Date: Sun, 10 Aug 2008 10:10:55 -0700 (PDT)
From: Kirk Landers <ilj4ever44@yahoo.com>
Subject: Luke- part 5

Copyright and Disclaimer:
1. This is a fictional story with fictional
characters.
2. No one is to steal this story under any
circumstances.
3. This story deals with relationships and not sex, so
if you're looking for a story with a lot of sex in it,
this isn't the story for you.


Sorry for not posting chapters the past two weeks.  I've just been realy
busy, but I'm going to continue to post the rest of the first season and
then after it ends on chapter 10 I will be taking a month or so off to
write season 2 and then start posting again.

I am once again slight changing the format of this story.  A reader
suggested to me that instead of just having it come from Luke's point of
view, have it come from all the main characters point of views.  So I want
to test that out with this chapter.  When Luke talks I will have
****LUKE**** above his part of the story, and then when it changes to
another character I'll do the same with their name.  So I hope this isn't
too complicated and it allows you as the readers to know the characters
more.  Thanks!

"Single And Fine With It"

****LUKE****

	It was one of the perfect summer nights in San Diego.  The
temperature was in the mid-70's, there was a light breeze, but it wasn't
cool enough to need a jacket.  It was pure bliss.  Not one to want to waste
a good evening, I decided to eat at an outside cafe near my apartment.  It
was a Saturday night, otherwise known as 'Date Night.'  At the cafe I
noticed that I was the only party of one there.  Most of the tables
consisted of parties of two.  There was something interesting about being
the only single one in the room.  It gives you the opportunity to observe
people who are on dates and it's fun to try and pick up on the
conversations their having and guess if it's a first date, second date,
third date, etc. Also, being a columnist it gave me the chance to sort out
what I wanted to write about for my next piece.  In the past I've avoided
writing about dating, mostly because I felt that it was too 'Sex and the
City' and I didn't want to be considered a 'Gay Carrie Bradshaw' I didn't
want to be compared to any other columnist.  I want to be me, Luke Grayson.

"Can I get you another drink?" my waitress asked me as she picked up my
nearly empty glass of beer.

"I'll just take a glass of water please," I replied with a smile.  I always
am polite to servers at restaurants.  I can't stand when I see people be
rude to servers, I always hope the server spits in their food as payback.

	At the table next to mine there was a guy and a girl sitting
together holding hands and looking into each other's eyes.  They were an
attractive couple, probably around my age, maybe a little younger.  They
leaned in and give each other a kiss.

"Happy anniversary," the guy said raising his glass of wine.

"I love you," she smiled as they clinked their glasses together and take a
sip.  I can't help but smile myself.  I then looked at the empty chair
across from my table.  Had Nick still be alive we would have been
celebrating our anniversary next month.  I will admit there are still times
that I get pangs of sadness, but I still consider myself lucky to have been
with him at all.

	At breakfast the next morning with Shane, Ford and Benji we all
gave a recap of our night before.

"Rich took me to a play that his friend performed in," Shane began. "It was
an hour and a half of him talking about losing his virginity.  Rich and I
are from two very different crowds."

"Still debating your feelings towards him?" I asked.  Shane has lately been
wondering whether things are right between him and Rich.  He loves Rich,
but sometimes love isn't enough and Shane was beginning to realize this.

"I like Rich," Ford gave his opinion. "He's sweet."

"But he's completely different from me," Shane replied. "Can you be with
someone who you have nothing in common with?"

"Opposites attract," Ford reasoned.

"That is such bullshit," Benji added. "You need someone with a common
background and interest as you."

"I agree," Shane nodded.

"So you're actually going to end things with Rich?" Ford asked.

"I don't know.  I have a lot to think about," Shane sighed.

"This is classic Shane," Ford said. "Have you ever dated a guy more than
four months?"

"I just don't want to invest too much time with someone that I know isn't
right," Shane said.

"I don't get it," I brought up. "Last month you were worried that he was
interested in his ex-boyfriend still and now you're thinking of leaving
him?  what changed?"

"That's just how I am," Shane sighed. "I'm fucked up."

"I'll say," Benji joked.

"You have to do what you think is right," I told him giving him a pat on
the back. "But maybe you both can work it out."

"No, it's just not right," Shane said. "I know it."

"Well, do what you have to do," I said.

"Thanks," Shane smiled.  He then obviously wanted to change the subject so
he asked, "So what did you do last night?"

"I went out to eat at Cafe Morgan's at Seaport," I replied taking a bite of
my pancakes.

"The food is great there," Ford enthused. "Who did you go with?"

"Myself," I replied.

"You went out to eat by yourself?" Ford asked surprised.

"Yeah, why?" I asked.

"I just would never have the nerve to be able to eat alone.  Especially on
a Saturday night," Ford replied.

"You're kidding, right?" Shane asked with a raised eyebrow. "You've never
eaten alone before?"

"No, I would just be too self-conscious," Ford replied.

"So if all of us got up and left you alone at the table right now you would
freak out?" Benji laughed.

"Shut up," Ford replied giving Benji a playful smack on the arm. "I just
don't like doing things alone in public."

"That's kinda pathetic," Shane said.

"I think you should try it sometime," I suggested.

"Go eat alone?  I could never," Ford shook his head.

"Have you ever gone to a movie alone?" I asked.

"No," Ford replied.

"Wow, co-dependent party of one right here," Benji jokingly announced
pointing to Ford.  We all let out a laugh, even Ford.  He knew himself how
sad it was that he doesn't have the nerve to go eat or to a movie by
himself.

"It makes sense for you though," Shane said.

"What do you mean?" Ford asked.

"You're always looking for a partner.  It just makes sense that even in
something as mundane as eating or going to a movie you'd want a partner for
that too," Shane shrugged.

"Okay, I get it.  I'm pathetic," Ford said lifting up his arms in defeat.

"No you're not," I replied. "I used to be like that.  I think we all did,
didn't we?"

"I first went out by myself freshman year of college," Shane admitted.

"I was twenty-one," I added.

"I never had a problem going out by myself," Benji said with a shrug as he
sipped his coffee.

"Yeah right," Shane laughed.

"What?  It's true!  I've had no problems going out by myself," Benji
said. "That's why I never had a problem being single."

"You're an inspiration to millions," I quipped.

"Yeah, but you seem pretty happy being with someone now, right?" Ford
asked.

"How is Scott?" I asked since we were getting on the subject.

"He's fine I guess," Benji shrugged.

"He said with enthusiasm," Shane said sarcastically.

"Trouble in paradise?" I asked.

"Well, we've been dating for a month now and lately all he's been wanting
to do is cuddle up and watch a movie together or go sailing on his boat,"
Benji replied.

"That's a good thing," Ford pointed out. "That's what a relationship is."

"Yeah, but he's so into cuddling that we hardly have sex," Benji added. "Is
that really what a relationship is?"

"Hate to break it to you," Shane said.

"I don't know how you people make it work," Benji said.

"It isn't a problem if you're with the right guy," I said. "Everything was
so simple and fun when I was with Nick."

"When do you think you'll be ready to date again?" Shane asked me.

"I don't know," I shrugged, "I just don't feel I'm in a place yet where I
want to date."

"You don't get lonely?" Ford asked.

"Sometimes, but I've had so much to deal with since moving here that I
haven't had time to think about when I would date again," I replied.

"Yeah, you'll date when you're ready," Shane said.

"Besides, it sometimes even better to not be tied down to someone," Benji
added.

"Benji, if you really don't feel comfortable in a relationship with Scott
then don't be in a relationship with him," Shane told him.

"Right back at you," Benji replied.

	Later that day as Benji headed off to work and Shane went to see
Rich, Ford and I headed off for some shopping.  We were browsing the shops
at Fashion Valley Center and probably picking out more clothes than we can
afford, when Ford began thinking about what we discussed at breakfast
earlier.

"Do you all really think I'm pathetic for not being able to do stuff on my
own?" Ford asked.

"What? No!" I replied. "I understand how it can be scary for some people to
do things alone."

"You all do it," Ford brought up.

"Yeah, but everyone's different," I told him. "Don't worry about it."

"I'm thinking that maybe I should try it sometime," Ford said.

"You doing it to prove something to us or to prove something to yourself?"
I asked.

"Both?" Ford said in a questioning tone.  It was obvious he was pretty
nervous about the idea.

"I feel like sometimes you guys think of me as that weak gay guy who needs
a man to feel complete," Ford said.

"We do not," I retorted. "That's ridiculous."

"It's no secret that you are all alot more independent than me," Ford
sighed.

"Where is all this coming from?" I asked curious.

"I don't know," Ford replied. "I'm just feeling a little lost right now."

"You want to talk about it?" I asked.

"Remember when you told me that I need to stop looking at movies for what I
believe a relationship should be like?" Ford asked.

"Yeah," I replied as I spotted a leather jacket that I wanted.  I picked it
up and tried it on as Ford continued talking.

"I've always concentrated on finding relationships like those ones that I
don't even know what to look for in a real relationship," Ford replied.

"You'll know," I assured him.  "When you're with the right guy, you'll just
know.  I can't explain it, but it's the best feeling in the world."

Ford smiled at the thought of meeting someone who will give him those
butterflies.  He then looked behind my shoulder and quickly looked back at
me. "There is a guy standing about six feet behind you that's been looking
at you since we came into this store."

"Yeah?" I asked surprised.  It's been a while since someone's shown any
interest in me.  I casually looked over my shoulder and sure enough there
was a tall, cute, dark haired and blue-eyed man that was glancing my way.

"You should go talk to him," Ford encouraged.

"No," I shook my head with a laugh. "He's probably looking at you."

"Trust me.  You're the one he's checking out," Ford replied. "Just talk to
him."

"I'm not ready to date yet," I reminded him.  It was true, I was not in a
place yet where I felt that I could really open up and be with someone
again.  However, I will admit that there was a moment a couple weeks ago
where Shane and I found ourselves holding each other's hand and I couldn't
be sure, but I think I felt some sort of connection between the two of us,
but I think it might just be the fact that we're turning out to be really
close friends.  So I didn't want to put too much thought into it.

"There's nothing wrong with just talking to a guy," Ford said, getting my
attention again. "Go for it."

	I looked back at the guy who was still glancing over at me,
although he tried to play it cool by pretending he was looking at some
argyle sweaters.  Should I talk to him?

"I don't know," I said.

"Talk to him and get his number," Ford said. "That way you'll have it when
you feel up to dating again."

	Before I could even debate the subject anymore, the mystery man
decided to make the first move and approached me.

"Hi," he said shly.

"Hi," I replied.

"I hope you didn't think of me as some psycho who kept looking at you," he
said.

"No, I didn't," I replied with a smile.

"I'm Morgan," he said extending his hand to me.

"Luke," I replied shaking his hand.  "This is my friend, Ford."  Ford and
Morgan shook hands.

"I think I've seen you at Bacchus House before," Morgan said, referring to
a gay bar in San Diego that Shane, Ford and Benji have taken me too a few
times since I've moved here.

"You probably have," Ford chimed in. "We go on 90's night."

"Me too," Morgan smiled.

"Small world," I said.

"You know what?  I just remembered that I have some work to do," Ford said
making up a lame excuse to leave me alone with Morgan.  "It was nice
meeting you Morgan."

"You too," Morgan replied.

Ford then gave me a hug, "Call me later."

"You suck," I said jokingly.  Truth is, I still wasn't sure if I wanted to
flirt and mingle with Morgan.  Ford then walked off leaving me alone with
Morgan.  Guess I had no other choice now.

"So can I buy you a cup of coffee?" Morgan asked.

     I debated saying no, but something inside of me told me to not reject
a perfectly nice guy.  Ford is right, just talking to Morgan doesn't mean I
have to jump into a relationship with him.

"Sounds good," I smiled.

****SHANE****

	After breakfast with the guys I went to Looking Glass Theatre where
Rich was meeting with some of his actor friends to go over a short play
that they wrote together.  It was a play that Rich was really excited for
me to see, but if it was like his last production I was pretty certain that
I wouldn't enjoy it.  It was things like this that made me wonder if Rich
and I are really good for one another.  Often times I see him with his
acting friends and he seems so much different, so much happier than he is
with me.  I do love Rich, but sometimes love isn't enough.  Can you have a
relationship with someone if you don't have anything in common?
	When I got to the playhouse, Rich and two other men were on the
stage together with their scripts in hand.  The men he was with were his
closest friends Zac and Blake.  I've been out with them a few times and
their nice guys, but like Rich, they are both a little eccentric and not
exactly the type of people I usually hang out with.

"Hey you," Rich said when he spotted me.  He quickly hopped off the stage
and greeted me with a kiss.  That was one thing that I liked about Rich,
he's very affectionate.

"How's rehearsal going?" I asked.

"Pretty good.  This is going to be amazing," Rich said enthusiastically.

"That's great," I replied.  I then said my 'hellos' to Zac and Blake. "I
don't want to interrupt you guys.  I just stopped by to say hi."

"You going to be doing anything today?" Rich asked.

"No," I replied. "I have to see the production of 'Streetcar' tonight at
the Ion, but until then I'm free."

"Perfect!" Rich said. "You can watch us rehearse."

"Oh that's okay," I replied.  Truth was, spending the afternoon watching
Rich and his friends rehearse wasn't how I wanted to spend my Saturday.

"No, I really want you to see it," Rich insisted. "Please?"

	I was trapped, I found the only thing I could say was, "Sure."  And
just like that, I endured hours of watching them rehearse a play that was
so 'artistic' as they liked to put it, that I had no idea what was going
on.

	After the third hour of watching them rehearse I slowly began to
fall asleep.  I tried my hardest to stay awake, but it was nearly
impossible.

"Shane," Rich called out my name.

"Huh?" I asked lifting my head up in response.

"You were asleep," Rich pointed out.

"No I wasn't.  I was just resting my eyes," I lied through my teeth.

"You know that your lying sucks," Rich said. "You can go if you want."

"No, I'll stay," I said feeling guilty now.

"It's fine," Rich replied nonchalantly.  "I'll just see you later."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah," Rich replied.  Him and I both looked at one another and at that
moment I think we both realized that a disconnect was occurring between us.
It seemed as if we both knew that things were starting to unravel between
the two of us, and I think we both knew that the reason was me.
	I left the playhouse feeling horrible.  Here I was with a great
guy, a guy that I should have no problems being in love with, but because
of my fucked up head I find myself pulling away from him.
	I guess my troubles about staying in a relationship can be traced
back to my mom.  It sounds pathetic, doesn't it?  Whenever something is
wrong with us, it's always our first instinct to blame our parents.  But in
this case it's true.  I love my mom.  She's the best and I have a really
great relationship with her, but truth be told, I think of her more as an
older sister sometimes than a mom.  You see, my mom had me when she was
only sixteen years old.  She raised me on her own and I never knew my
father.  Growing up I've seen a lot of men come in and out of her life.  I
remember I became very attached to her first serious boyfriend since she
had me.  I was five years old and he was this great guy.  He would take me
to the park or a baseball game and would spend hours playing board games or
coloring with me.  But him and my mom broke up when I was seven and I never
saw him again.  After him she dated a string a guys.  I never got close to
any of them.
 I figured there was no point since they wouldn't stay around long enough
for me to form any sort of bond with them.
	Because of seeing these kinds of relationships growing up I've
never been able to truly let myself be with someone for long term.  I date
a guy and at first I fall for him completely, I feel that I can break my
pattern of running, but once the fourth or fifth month comes along I find
myself looking at things I don't like about the person or finding reasons
why I shouldn't be with them and I leave.  What's the worst is that I know
why I do the things I do, but I can't stop it.  It's like I suddenly go on
autopilot when the fourth month in my relationship hits.  I know I have
issues, and my therapist tells me that I have a fear of commitment (duh! I
didn't need a therapist to tell me that much).
	My issues would just have to wait for now.  Since my day freed back
up I decided to head back to my apartment and sulk over how pathetic I am.
I didn't want to be alone so I decided to give my friend, Brenda, a call.
I was going to call Luke, but I remembered that he was shopping with Ford
and I had just gone on a major shopping spree the other day so I needed to
give my credit card a rest.

"Hello?" Brenda answered the phone after two rings.

"Hey Bren, it's me," I replied.

"Hi Shane.  What's going on?" Brenda asked.

"I'm pathetic.  Can you come over?" I asked.

"Need a drinking buddy?" Brenda asked.

"Big time," I replied.

"I'll be there in a little bit," Brenda answered hanging up.

	Brenda and I have a very special friendship.  Her and I have been
friends since high school.  She was a significant part of my 'PG' life (PG
as in 'Pre-Gay').  Before I realized that I was gay, she was my girlfriend
in high school.  We dated for a couple years, but I broke it off when I was
starting to realize how I preferred dick to vagina.  She was remarkable
because she didn't seem to mind that much, in fact, she took my being gay
the best out of all my friends at the time.  After high school her and I
kept in touch.  We have this deal with each other that whenever one of us
is down the other will immediately come by and cheer the other one up.  By
cheer up, I mean we drink until we're too drunk to care about our problems.
I know you might think I'm some sort of alcoholic, but I'm not.  I don't
get out of control...much.  There have been a couple situations where we've
gotten out of hand when we drink.  Twice, Brenda and I ended up sleeping
 together.  But since we both wake up too hung-over to remember it doesn't
embarrass us too much.
	When Brenda arrived at my apartment she was holding up a bottle of
wine for us to share, "I brought the ammo."

"I appreciate it," I said giving her a hug. "Good to see you."

"You too," Brenda replied. "So what's wrong?"

"I suck in relationships," I answered.

"So should I open the bottle of wine now?" Brenda asked.

"I actually have to go see a production of 'Streetcar' at the Ion tonight.
Want to come with me and then we can drink afterwards?"

"Do I really have to sit through a production of 'Streetcar Named Desire?'"
Brenda pouted.

"Please!" I begged.

"Fine," Brenda sighed. "But you owe me a big martini after."

"Deal," I replied giving her another hug.

****LUKE****

	Two hours later and I was still at the department store café with
Morgan.

"So let me get this straight," I said taking a sip of my Arnold Palmer.
"You're an elementary school teacher and you volunteer in the Big Brother
program?  How is that you're still single?"

	Morgan let out a laugh before answering, "Well, to be honest I got
out of a relationship a few months ago so it's taken me some time to feel
like dating again."

"I see," I replied. "So what happened?"

"He got a position at a school up in Sacramento and it was just too hard
for us to maintain a relationship," Morgan shrugged. "It sucked ending it,
but we just couldn't make it work."

"Yeah, long distance is hard to do," I nodded.

"So how about you?  You're a writer for the San Diego Bulletin.  That's
pretty impressive," Morgan said.

"It sounds a lot fancier than it actually is," I admitted.  I think people
have a very romanticized view on writing for a newspaper, it really isn't
as glamorous of a job as movies and tv shows make it out to be.

"Still, I'm impressed," Morgan said. "I'm surprised you're not off and
married by now."

"It's a long story," I said hesitant about getting into the subject of
Nick.

"I have the time," Morgan smiled charmingly.

"Well," I sighed, taking a deep breath before going on, "I was in a really
serious relationship, but he...died."

"Oh my God.  I'm so sorry," Morgan said sincerely. "When was it?"

"A few months ago," I replied.

"I bet it's been tough," Morgan said.

"It's not exactly a walk in the park," I replied.

"I'm sure he was a great guy," Morgan sweetly added.

"He was," I smiled.

"Sorry if I brought up some tough memories for you," Morgan said.

"You didn't," I assured him, "In fact, I've gotten to a point where I'm
fine talking about it.  I was lucky to have known him."

"That's a good way to look at it," Morgan said. "I admire that."

"Thanks," I replied.  We both smiled at one another, there was obviously a
spark between the two of us, but it's not the right time.  Not right now
anyway.

"I'm glad I came over to talk to you," Morgan said.

"Yeah, me too," I replied. "It's been a while since I've talked to someone
like this."

"I get the sense though that you're not ready to start anything up," Morgan
said.

"Honestly, you're right.  I'm not ready yet," I confirmed, "But thank you
for today."

"Well, when you're ready, here's my number," Morgan said taking out a pen
from his pocked and writing it down on a napkin from the table.  He then
handed it to me with a kind smiled. "Don't lose it."

"I won't," I smiled as I got up from my seat. "It was nice meeting you."

"It was really great meeting you," Morgan said. "Take care."

"You too," I said.  I then walked out of the café and put the napkin with
his number on it in my pocket.  I don't know if I'll ever call him, but
it's definitely good to know that when I'm ready to date again there will
at least be one person out there who's interested.

****BENJI****

	I enjoy being at work.  I enjoy the feeling of owning my own store.
Even though it's just a little boutique, it's me and it's fabulous.  I love
looking at every inch of the store and knowing that I made the decision
about the color of the walls, the tile on the ground, the product in the
store.  It was something I couldn't help but be proud of.
	When it was empty in the store I usually found myself browsing porn
on the internet and today was no exception.  There was no one in the store
so I felt there was no harm in checking out my favorite porn sites.  It
wasn't something I found myself getting horny too, it was mostly something
that I would just look at and occasionally get ideas from to incorporate
into my own sexual escapades.  Although it was probably pointless now since
I haven't had sex in almost four days.
	I was just studying the position that these two guys were in on
this one website when I heard the bell to the front door of my store ring.

"Hope I'm not interrupting anything," Scott said walking in.

"Oh hi," I smiled quickly exiting the porn site I was at.

"I had some free time and I wanted to come see you," Scott said as he
leaned over the cash register to give me a kiss.

"How nice," I smiled not too sure what else to say.  Truth be told, I
didn't know how to react to some of the things he says to me.  He always
says sweet things to me and I never know how to reply.  To say that I'm not
used to being in a `couple' is an understatement.  I've never been one who
can be completely committed to just one person, that's not me.  It's not
who I am.  To be completely honest, the idea of only being with one person
terrifies me.  Sure I like Scott a lot and I like the way he makes me feel,
but does that mean I have to give up who I am for him?  I'm the type of guy
who enjoys sex.  I'm not going to lie and I'm not going to make any
apologies about it.  Sex is fabulous.  It makes me feel alive and
exhilarated.  Part of those feelings comes from the face that I rarely
sleep with the same man twice.  There's something exciting and dangerous
and hot about hooking up with different men.  There's the idea that
 you don't know too much about them, you can try things out that you
wouldn't do with someone you knew well.  You can be someone else in bed
that you're not in life.  While the sex with Scott is great there's always
that feeling of insecurity that if you stay with someone for too long the
sex will dwindle down.  We already went from having sex every night to only
having it four times a week.  At this rate we'll only be having it once a
week by next month!

"How's work going?" Scott asked.

"Not bad, we had a rush about twenty minutes ago.  It should pick up again
within the next hour," I replied. "So you came by just to see me?"

"Can you think of a better reason?" Scott asked.

"I just thought you were going to be spending the day working on your
boat," I replied.  I didn't want to sound ungrateful that he took the time
to come and see me.

"I was working on it this morning, but after I got it cleaned I needed to
take a break.  That's why I'm here," Scott said.

"Oh I see, so I'm nothing but a time killer, huh?" I joked.

"Something like that," Scott played along.

"I can think of a few things that would kill a lot of time," I said
seductively.

"But you're at work," Scott said looking around the store.

"It's never stopped me before," I replied with a wink.

"Seriously?" Scott asked with a laugh.

"Sure, why not?" I asked as I closed the entrance door and put up my `Out
to Lunch' sign.

"There're windows all in the front of the store.  What if someone sees?"
Scott asked.  I could tell he was both excited and nervous at the same
time.

"That's why we're going in here," I said gesturing towards the dressing
room.

"I don't know," Scott said.  He clearly was a novice to risky sex.

"It'll be fun," I said taking his hand and dragging him into the dressing
room with me.  There are times that you just have to take the initiative.
I wasn't going to let my sex life dwindle just because I'm dating someone.
Hell will freeze over before I let my sex life be put on the back burner.
I grabbed my manbag and pulled out my condoms that I kept in there and then
tossed the bag on the ground as I closed the door to the dressing room.

****FORD****

	After I left Luke with Morgan I decided to take baby steps into
doing things on my own.  So I decided to continue shopping by myself.  It's
something that I've done occasionally, although, I do prefer to have some
company, but I felt this would be a good start.  However, to make things a
little easier I decided to head to the shopping strip where Benji's store
was so I could stop by and talk to him for a bit.
	As I parked my car in the parking plaza near Benji's store I
started to think about how completely dependent I've always been my entire
life.  For as long as I could remember I've always needed someone to be
with me when I do things.  When I was younger I was always afraid to go
places by myself.  I would always have a friend or my sister go with me.  I
began to think back to what the guys said at breakfast this morning.  Is
the reason why I want a partner so badly related to me having issues with
not wanting to do things alone?  I guess it makes sense, in a relationship
you can always count on someone being there for you whether it's to go out
to dinner or going to see a movie or something as simple as knowing that
they will answer when you call them on the phone.  It's someone you can
depend on.  So maybe the guys are right, maybe my dependency issues are my
reasons for wanting to be with someone so badly.  If that's the case then
that is
 a horrible reason for wanting to be with someone.  I shouldn't be with
someone just because I don't want to be alone.  I should be with someone
because I really like them and want to be with them.  I think that may have
been my problem with Roland, I didn't want to be alone so I forced myself
to like him more than I probably did in actuality.
	I guess that's always been my pattern when it comes to dating.  I
meet a guy and I thrust all these expectations on him that it's no wonder
they never work out.  If I know this, then why do I keep doing it?  It's
similar to the pattern that Shane has with guys that he dates.  He will
date them for three to four months and then just end it.  I guess it's no
wonder that him and I are friends.  We're both messed up when it comes to
relationships.  Although, while he tends to be more cynical towards them, I
try my best to keep an optimistic attitude.  I know my soul mate is out
there and I will do whatever it takes to find him.
	When I walked up to the entrance of Benji's store I noticed that
his `Out to Lunch' sign was up.  I looked in the store and saw that all the
lights were out, but I noticed Benji's manbag lying on the floor next to
the dressing room.  If Benji was out then he would have brought his bag
with him, so he must be inside.  I started knocking assuming that he was in
the back room eating his lunch.

****BENJI****

"Someone's knocking on the front door," Scott said breaking our kiss as he
looked towards the door of the dressing room as if someone was about to
bust in on us.

"They'll go away," I dismissed it. "Now come on.  We're getting to the good
part."  I then wrapped my legs around Scott's waist so we could continue.

****FORD****

After a minute of knocking I decided to try him on his cell phone.  I heard
his phone ring inside the store and looked in to see if I could see him.

****BENJI****

"Your phone is ringing," Scott said breaking his concentration again.

"Let it ring," I groaned, I was just reaching a good groove with his body
and didn't want it to be interrupted.

****FORD****

	When I heard his voicemail message come on I hung up and started
knocking again.

"Benji!  You in there?!" I said loudly, hoping that he could hear me. "I
know you're in there.  Open up!"

****BENJI****

"Dammit Ford!" I said breaking my kiss with Scott.  I had no choice. "I'm
sorry."

"It's okay," Scott said getting off of me.  "To be honest, this whole
`risky sex' is a little too much for me."

"Figured as much," I said putting my pants on. "You were looking for any
excuse to end it."

"I'm sorry," Scott said as he put his clothes on. "I'll make it up to you
tonight."

"You better," I winked as I put my shirt on and walked out of the dressing
room.

****FORD****

	Finally, Benji came out of the dressing room.  Not something I was
expecting.  I smiled and waved at him.  He waved back, but looked a little
annoyed.

"You're quite insistent," Benji said opening the door for me.

"Sorry, but I just wanted to say hi," I replied. "I saw your stuff in here
so I just figured you were eating lunch by yourse-" Before I could continue
my sentence I saw Scott come out of the dressing room. "Oh!  You were
busy."

"Yeah," Benji nodded. "I was."

"I'm so sorry," I said feeling bad now...and also a little grossed out.  I
definitely won't be trying on clothes in that dressing room anymore.

"It's fine," Scott said.

"It's nice to formally meet you," I smiled. "I'm Ford.  You must be Scott."

"Yeah, it's nice to meet you," Scott said extending his hand to me.

"Would you mind if I shook your hand after you washed it?" I said as
politely as I could.  I don't know where his hands have been while he was
inside that dressing room.

"Right.  Sorry," Scott said as he retracted his hand.

"Scott, I'll call you after work," Benji said. "It's getting a little
crowded in here."

"Sounds good," Scott replied as he headed towards the door. "It was nice
meeting you Ford."

"You too," I replied.

	After Scott left Benji turned to me, "You have the worst timing."

"I'm sorry," I answered. "I didn't know you would be having sex in the
middle of your work day.  Which by the way, ew."

"Oh lighten up," Benji sighed. "I was just trying to put some excitement
back into my sex life."

"You're having more sex than I am, I would say that your sex life is
looking pretty good to me," I replied trying to make him feel better.

"What is a good sex life for you is not a good sex life for me," Benji
replied.

"Well, that is true," I answered, "Your sexual appetite does seem to be a
bit more insatiable than mine."

"But then you came and interrupted it," Benji joked.

"Again, I'm sorry," I apologized. "You could have just told me to go away."

"It doesn't matter.  I don't think he was really into it," Benji said. "He
isn't too adventurous when it comes to sex."

"Sorry to hear that," I said. "Do you want to grab some lunch?"

"No I already took a break, I should keep the store open," Benji
said. "Where's Luke?  I thought you two were shopping together."

"He met a guy," I replied.

"What?" Benji asked surprised.

"Yeah.  There was this guy checking him out so I encouraged him to talk to
him.  I left them at the mall together," I explained.

"So you're by yourself?" Benji asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"Wow, I'm impressed," Benji said.

"Well don't be too impressed.  I came here so that I could at least be
around you while I shopped," I revealed. "Baby steps."

"Good for you," Benji smiled as he pat me on the back.

"I'm slowly trying to work my way up to being a little more independent," I
said.

"Good," Benji said. "So how about you buy some clothes for your new found
independence?"

"I just might," I smiled.

"Good cause I got some great new stuff in," Benji said pointing to the
section of his store where he puts the new items.

"Then I just might have to check it out," I smiled as I headed to look at
the clothes.

****LUKE****

	When evening came I decided to go out by myself once again and
treat myself to some seafood at the Greek Island Café at Seaport Village.
As I was walking through the area on my way to the café I stopped by the
Whitt Krauss Gallery to have a look around before I went to eat.  While I
was looking at the art hanging on the wall I saw a familiar face looking
around as well...Rich.

"Rich.  What are you doing here?" I asked getting his attention.

"Oh hey Luke!" Rich smiled giving me a hug. "I just came here to have some
time to myself."

"Yeah, me too," I replied. "What's Shane up to?"

"He's seeing `Streetcar Named Desire' at the Ion tonight," Rich replied.

"And you didn't go with him?" I asked.

"No," Rich nodded as a look of sadness flashed across his face.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Honestly, I don't know," Rich shrugged.

"How about you join me for dinner tonight and we can talk," I suggested.

"That sounds great," Rich smiled.

	We went and ate dinner together at the Greek Island Café and
enjoyed the lemon marinated chicken and the gyros sandwich.  It was the
first time Rich and I have ever spent one on one time together and it was
actually nice.  While Rich can be a little odd with his meditating and yoga
and new-age thinking, he's a really nice guy.

"So you seem a little sad," I said. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"It's just stuff with Shane," Rich replied. "There've been bad vibes
between him and me for a while now."

"Oh yeah?" I asked pretending that I didn't know about Shane's feelings
towards Rich lately.

"It's just been weird lately," Rich said. "He's been pulling away."

"What do you think the problem is?" I asked.

"I think the problem is that we've lost each other," Rich replied.

"Yeah?" I asked feeling badly for him.

"Yeah, he's gone," Rich sighed.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "I heard there've been some problems between you
two."

"What has Shane said?" Rich asked curious, he then quickly retracted that
question, "Never mind, I don't want to know."

"If it's any consolation, it's not you," I told him. "He thinks you're a
great guy."

"Just not the right one for him," Rich sighed. "I don't know what happened,
last month, him and I were so happy.  Now we're acting like strangers
around each other."

"Rich, you're a great guy," I assured him.  Rich rolled his eyes, "No I
mean it you are.  You're a great guy and you'll come out of this just
fine."

"Thanks for that," Rich smiled. "This might just be the easiest break-up
I've ever gone through."

"Well, you two haven't broken up yet," I told him trying to be optimistic,
"Maybe you can work things out."

"I don't think so," Rich said. "I can feel it."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Thanks," Rich replied. "I appreciate you taking the time to listen to my
problems.  I normally don't like being such a down person.  Not good for my
chi."

"It's no problem," I said.

"I know that you're closer to Shane, but I hope you will still think of me
as a friend after we split up," Rich said.

"Of course I will," I replied sincerely.

"You and Shane have gotten pretty close with one another.  I sense a good
connection between the two of you," Rich said.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused on what he was getting at.

"I think you know," Rich smiled.

	I smiled nervously, not really sure if I was comfortable with what
Rich was hinting at.

****SHANE****

	That night after I saw the play of `Streetcar' and took notes for
my review, Brenda and I spent the rest of the evening at my place drinking
the wine that she brought and a bottle of vodka that I picked up on the way
home.

"I think you need some serious therapy," Brenda said taking a sip of her
wine.

"I already have a therapist," I shot back.

"Oh yeah," Brenda laughed.  She was obviously already getting a little
tipsy from the wine. "What does she think?"

"She says that my problems began when I was little," I replied. "It has to
do with my mom and her many boyfriends."

"That makes sense," Brenda replied. "We all know that she's had her share
of men.  She still dating?"

"Of course," I replied. "She'll never stop.  She dates a guy for a bit and
then moves on to another guy."

"Loves `em then leaves `em, huh?" Brenda asked.

"Something like that," I replied. "I'm just like her."

"You two should do family therapy," Brenda joked.

"Seriously," I laughed as I took a drink of the vodka and coke I was
drinking.

"So what's wrong with Rich?" Brenda asked.

"Nothing," I replied honestly. "He's a great guy.  He's just no the one for
me."

"Why's that?" Brenda asked.

"He's into weird stuff," I replied.

"What kind of weird stuff?  Kinky stuff?" Brenda laughed.

"No, nothing like that," I replied. "He's one of those incense burning,
yoga-loving, meditation-doing, new age philosophy type of guys."

"Oh, weird," Brenda laughed.

"I know," I replied. "Him and I are complete opposites!"

"Then why did you start dating him in the first place?" Brenda asked.

"Because he's a nice guy," I replied. "I thought maybe we could work out
our differences and be a good couple.  And we were for a bit, but then my
rationale thoughts started to kick in and I realized it would never work
between us."

"Does he know this?" Brenda asked.

"I'm sure he does.  He has to know that things aren't good between us right
now," I replied.

"How's the sex?" Brenda asked.

"It's good," I replied. "He's such a great guy, but it's just not right."

"Well, do what you have to do," Brenda said.

"So what's going on with you?" I asked.

"I big fat nothing," Brenda replied. "I haven't had a date in two months."

"How is that possible?" I asked surprised.  Brenda might be one of the most
beautiful women I know, she has long dark hair, deep green eyes, perfect
skin and a charming smile.  I would think she'd have guys lined up waiting
for her.

"Because there are no eligible men in San Diego," Brenda said. "I've dated
enough to come to that conclusion."

"They can't all be bad," I said.

"They are," Brenda assured me. "And I have been so horny lately."

I couldn't help but laugh, "Oh yeah?"

"I've never gone through this long of a dry spell before," Brenda replied.

"Sorry to hear that," I replied.

"Just a minor low in my life," Brenda said. "Other than that, things are
great.  I just got a promotion at work."

"Good for you!" I said raising my glass to her with a big smile.  I think I
was starting to get a little drunk myself. "Let's have another drink to
celebrate."

"Sounds good!" Brenda cheered.

	We drank some more and the night slowly became a blur.

****FORD****

	The next morning I woke up and lay in bed going over my plans for
the day.  I had nothing big planned, I was going to meet the guys for
dinner, but before that I had the whole day to myself.  I knew there was
something I had to do and I was determined to do it today.  I got up and
showered and put on a pair of jeans and a light blue sweater, grabbed my
wallet and my keys and headed out to breakfast, by myself.
	I drove to The Broken Yolk Café and went inside.  The places was
crowded as it usually is on Sunday mornings and I waited to get seated.

"How many?" the hostess asked as she approached me.

I took a deep breath before I answered, "Just one."

"I can seat you right now," she smiled. "Follow me."

	To be completely honest, I was hoping to be sat in the back corner
of the restaurant, or some other less conspicuous place, so I was a little
nervous when she showed me my table and it was in the center of the
restaurant.

"Enjoy your meal," the hostess said with a smile as she handed me my menu.

	I looked around at all the tables filled with people.  I had a
horrible fear that everyone would be looking at me and judging me, so it
came a big relief when I noticed that no one seemed to even glance my way.
I was just one of the crowd.  It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would
be.  In fact, I was completely fine.  I smiled to myself as my waitress
came to my table and poured me a cup of coffee and I proceeded to have
breakfast as a single.  I realized that maybe being single wasn't such a
horrible thing. Sure I prefer being in a relationship, but I found that I
could be perfectly content by myself.

****SHANE****

	I woke up with a serious headache.  Hangovers are the worst.  You
feel like you want to die.  Last night was a complete blur.  I rubbed my
head trying to ease some of the pain.  I tried opening my eyes but the
bright sun shining in through my bedroom window made it hard for me.  I
kept my eyes closed and decided to try and sleep off the hangover.  As I
was trying to fall asleep I got a sudden chill, I wrapped my arms around my
chest and felt my arms hit my bare chest.  I always sleep in a t-shirt and
basketball shorts, so it was a surprise to feel my bare skin.  I moved my
hands down my chest and realized that everywhere I touched on my body was
bare.  I fell asleep naked.  Why would I have fallen asleep naked?

"My head is killing me," I heard Brenda's voice say next to me.  The shock
of hearing her voice made my eyes open wide.  The glare of the sun didn't
even matter anymore.

"Brenda?!" I asked in alarm.

"Keep your voice down," Brenda groaned, "I can't deal with loud noises
right now.  I need some aspirin."

"Brenda, what happened last night?" I asked.

"I don't know," Brenda replied. "After finishing off the wine and moving on
to the vodka it all became a blur."

I looked next to me to face Brenda and her eyes were still shut.  I looked
down and noticed that she was naked as well.

"Oh my God," I said gravely. "Brenda, you're naked."

"No I'm not," Brenda replied.

"Open your eyes Brenda," I said jumping out of bed to put on my boxers.
Brenda slowly opened her eyes, she looked down at her body and her eyes
grew as big as mine did when I heard her voice.

"Oh shit," Brenda said wrapping the blankets around her bare body. "Please
tell me that you weren't naked too."

"I was naked too," I said.

"Shit!  Did something happen last night?" Brenda asked.

"I don't know.  I was hoping you could answer that," I replied.

"I don't remember," Brenda said.  "Shit, do you think we had sex?"

"Well, let me see.  We got drunk, we woke-up naked, I would say yes," I
replied.

"I can't believe this happened again," Brenda said. "Do you think we at
least used protection?"

"I hope so," I replied. "I can't believe we did this."

"I think I should get going," Brenda said as she rushed to get her clothes
on.  She obviously was feeling as uncomfortable as I was.

"Good idea," I answered.

	After Brenda got finished getting dressed I ushered her to the
door.  I nearly had a heart attack when I opened the door and was face to
face with Rich who was just about to knock on the door.

"Hi," I said in shock.

"Hey," Rich replied.

"Bye," Brenda said as she rushed past us. "Talk to you later Shane."

"Everything okay?" Rich asked. "You don't look to good."

"I just have a bit of a headache," I replied, it was half-true.

"Can we talk?" Rich asked.

"Um, yeah...sure," I replied.

	Rich came in and sat down on the couch while I went to get a glass
of water and take a few aspirin to try and control my hangover.

"You have a rough night?" Rich asked as I joined him in my living room.

"A little bit," I replied, not wanting to go into details I moved the
conversation back to Rich's reason for coming over. "So what did you want
to talk about?"

"I've sensed that there's been a disconnect between us," Rich said.

"Oh yeah?" I asked playing dumb, I didn't really want to have this
conversation while my head felt like it was about to explode.

"Shane, I may be a spiritualist, but I'm not stupid," Rich replied. "You
know just as well as I do that we've lost each other somewhere."

"Rich, I-" I began, but he cut me off.

"No, you don't have to say anything," Rich replied. "We had a pretty easy
relationship, we could at least have an easy break-up."

"How can you be like this?" I asked.

"Be like what?" Rich asked confused.

"How can you be so nice all the time?" I asked.

"Just trying to keep a positive energy around me," Rich replied with a
smile.

"Rich, I'm so sorry," I said. "This has nothing to do with you.  You're
such an amazing guy and I would be so lucky to end up with someone like
you.  It's just that-"

"It's not right between us," Rich said finishing my sentence. "It's okay
Shane.  I get it."

"I'm just completely fucked up in the head," I said feeling so badly for
doing this to him.

"You're not," Rich said. "When you find the right guy you'll know."

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I've been like this for a long time.  I don't
think it's going to change anytime soon."

"I think that you might be the right guy sooner than you think," Rich said.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused.

"You'll see," Rich smiled.  He then got up from the couch, "I should
probably go."

"This was probably the easiest and weirdest break-up I've ever
experienced," I said.

"I guess that it's appropriate considering our relationship was both easy
and a little weird considering how different you and I are," Rich joked.

"Yeah," I smiled.  I walked Rich to the front door and gave him a big hug,
"Thank you so much for everything."

"Thank you too," Rich replied. "You've been a great energy in my life."

"I'll see you around," I said.

"See ya," Rich smiled as he walked out the door and out of my life.

****LUKE****

"That's how you two broke up?" Benji asked while we were sitting at our
table at Candelas on the Bay on 1st Street, which had a great view of
Downtown San Diego.  It was my first time having dinner at this
restaurant. Ford highly recommended it.  He gave it a good write up.

"Yeah, it was short and simple," Shane replied. "It was the easiest
break-up I've ever gone through."

"I'll miss Rich," Ford said taking a sip of his $18 glass of
Chardonnay. "This wine is great.  Anyone want a sip?"

"I'm fine with my red wine," I replied.

"No alcohol for me," Shane groaned, "That's the last thing I want."

"Still a little hung over?" I asked.

"Just a bit," Shane replied.

"Want me to run to the pharmacy and get you some aspirin?" I asked.

"No, I'll be fine.  Thanks," Shane replied giving me a smile.  I smiled
back and looked at Shane for a moment wondering if maybe Rich was right,
maybe there was something real between us.

"So I have some good news for you all," Ford chimed in.  We all turned to
give him our attention. "I had breakfast this morning..."

"You want a cookie?" Benji joked. "What's the big deal about that?"

"You didn't let me finish," Ford said. "I had breakfast alone."

"Seriously?" Shane, Benji and I asked in unison.

"Yeah, I went to the Broken Yolk by myself this morning and had a nice
breakfast," Ford replied.

"Well that deserves a toast," Benji said raising his martini up.

"Here here," I said as we all clinked our drink glasses together.

"So what did you bring with you to the restaurant?" Shane asked.

"What do you mean?" Ford asked confused.

"Did you bring a book or magazine with you?" Shane asked.

"No," Ford shook his head.

"Wow," Benji said surprised.

"Why?" Ford asked.

"Whenever I go out to eat by myself I always at least bring a book or my
laptop with me," Shane replied.

"Me too," I added.

"Me three," Benji said.

"Why didn't you guys tell me!" Ford exclaimed. "I would have been more
comfortable if I knew I could do that."

"It just proves that you're braver than the rest of us," I laughed.

"I guess so," Ford replied with a big victorious grin.

"Well let's make another toast," Shane said raising his glass. "Here's to
being single and independent."

"I don't think Benji will want to toast to that," I brought up.

"I will definitely toast to that," Benji said. "Being single and
independent is a lot easier than being in a relationship."

"Scott is a great guy," Ford said. "Be lucky you're with him."

"I'm trying," Benji said.

"Well, if it doesn't then you can come back to the single club," Shane
said.

"We'll see," Benji said.  "So let's finish your toast.  Here's to you guys
who are all single, independent and fabulous!"

	We all clinked our glasses ad continued the rest of our night
together.  Most of us may be single, but at least we'll never be alone as
long as we have each other.

**************************************************************************

To Be Continued...

	Thanks for reading!  With any comments, questions or feedback,
please e-mail me at ilj4ever44@yahoo.com.  Thanks so much!