Date: Wed, 19 Oct 2005 05:54:43 +0000
From: Jeff STL <jeffstl@hotmail.com>
Subject: Office Fantasy / Chapter 21

It is such a relief to be out of the hospital.  Needless to say, my
experience dulled my trust in doctors.  I have to keep reminding myself that
he was not a regular doctor.  That is, not a primary care physician, but the
psych doc.  How that monster ever got to be in medicine, I just don't know.
Dad talked at length about taking him to court, but I convinced him that he
got what he deserved and I really didn't want to take it any further.  Court
might mean having to face him again.  However, if anyone wanted to attach
some battery cables to his nuts and plug him in, I'd not mind.

Dad decides that we are going to go to Tony's, one of the best restaurants
in St. Louis.  As it happens, it's just blocks from my office, and the
thought of going there makes me a little queasy.  I know I have some
unresolved business there.  Quashing it down, I determine that this is going
to be a nice lunch.  It's not often Dad treats me to something like this.

At the table, Dad claps his hands together and says "Well, son, what's the
game plan from this point on, and if you don't mind me asking, why the
sudden shift?  I'm a little concerned about bi-polarity, or maybe a touch of
manic-depressive tendencies."

"No, Dad, I don't think so.  It's hard to explain, but when I was lying
there in the bed, waiting for Dr. Doom to hook my balls up (I glance around,
but the restaurant is still fairly empty) to the electrodes, there was this
bird on the sill.  Now wait...let me finish.  Anyway, I felt at first like
he was staring at me, right?  Well, then I realized he was seeing his own
reflection and trying to figure out who the "other" bird was.  Then, another
bird, that looked just like him, landed next to him and gave him a worm.  I
figure it was his momma or his dad, and I watched them interact, and
suddenly, in that one simple act, I realized that life isn't about all of
the things that affect is.  It's plain and simple biology."

"Uh, son, there's more to life than just breathing." Dad says skeptically.

"No, I know that, but I think what I'm saying is that, well, the parent
bird's purpose, at least at that moment, was to provide for his child -- the
baby bird -- and that was the most important thing at that moment.  And I
stared at the parent bird for the moment he stayed there, and I thought, you
know, that bird just took time to get the baby a meal, even though it can
clearly fly on its own."

I stop, trying to figure out how to explain further.  Dad and Uncle Bob
exchange glances.

"I'm not crazy...there is a point to this story" I say laughing.  "I guess
what I'm trying to get to is that the parent bird didn't have to feed the
baby.  The baby is almost fully grown, and it could fly, obviously, since I
wasn't on the ground floor.  And yet, he CHOSE to do that.  And when I
thought about it, I suddenly remembered a quote by that actress...oh, that
Silkwood dame....Meryl Streep...in a movie she said "We are the choices we
make."  And it hit me.  I could either wallow in despair and let one, ok
three, sour relationships ruin my life, or I could pick myself up, brush the
dust from my clothes, and make my life into what *I* want it to be."

I stop, taking a deep breath.  I look expectantly into their eyes.  Dad is
thoughtful, Uncle Bob is trying not to laugh.  I could make that man laugh
if I cut my arm off and said "oh look, I'm stumpy now."  I've always amused
him.

"Jesse, I think that is the most clear thinking I've heard from you for a
few months now." Dad says, proudly.

"Thanks, Dad.  For the first time in my life, especially lately, I just feel
so....empowered...to take control of my life.  I don't have to answer to
Leslie, or Scott, or my boss, or you, or Mom..."

Dad interrupts me to joke "Well, your MOM...you'd better!"

We laugh.

"Seriously, Jess, you DO have that ability.  You always have.  Your brother
has always been the go-getter.  You can do the same and do whatever you
want." Dad advises, and for the first time in my life, being reminded of my
brothers remarkable capabilities doesn't get me angry.

"So, what's the immediate game plan?  I assume you won't be going back to
Scott's?" Dad asks.

Scott.  I forgot all about him.  And what was the deal with him sending that
note?

"Well, I need to get my stuff.  Do you think we could do that this
afternoon?  Then I need to find a place to stay, and no, I don't want to
move in with you and Mom.  I love you both, but it's high time I stand on my
own two feet.   Trouble is, I don't know if I have a job." I say.

"Tell you what, we'll get your stuff, find you a place, and Mom and I will
take care of it until you get on your feet.  You know you can work in the
firm."

"Dad, no.  You know I don't want to be a secretary or whatever they're
called now.  I need to just find my own job.  AND, if you do help me with
the money, I insist on paying it back, and none of this "oh just forget
about it" stuff, either!"

"Deal." Dad says.  He's not one to mess around with negotiations.  Car
salesmen hate working with him because he sets his mind and sticks to it.

After lunch, I page Scott, as he instructed.  We drive over to Josh's to
borrow his Tahoe, and then go to the apartment.  It's hard to enter there
again.  As promised, it is empty...no one's home.  It seems like an eternity
since I was here last, when actually it was only a day or two.  Since my
stuff is pretty much limited to my bedroom, we pack up easily the stuff on
the walls, on shelves, and so forth.  Uncle Bob came along to help, which
turned out good since we decided we better get a small U-Haul too.  We pack
up everything, leaving the spare bedroom empty.  I take my key off the ring,
taping it to a piece of paper and leaving it on the table.  I then lock the
doorknob, so no one can enter, and close the door behind me, effectively and
metaphorically closing the Scott chapter in my life.  And despite the fact
that I know I'll miss him, I am not that unhappy to close it off.  In spite
of it all, he was a good friend.  Checking to make sure the door can't be
opened without a key, I walk out of the apartment.

"Hey, genious" Dad ribs, "Where exactly are we going to go with this stuff?"

"Aaaasshole!" I say jokingly.  Dad laughs.  "I'm not sure.  Can we put it in
your basement until I find a place?  I just wanted to get this part over
with."

Dad thinks, and says "Yeah, I think your mother and I can deal with your
crap for a couple of days or so."  My dad, the kidder.

We drive home and Mom is frantically trying to get me to just move in.  She
doesn't look good, which I know was because she was so worried and upset
over recent events.  I reassure her that I'm going to be fine and promise
that I'll never do that again to her.  Mom handles different situations
differently.  Her absence from my hospitalization wasn't so much because she
didn't care, but that she has trouble with dealing with certain situations.
I could be dying of cancer and she'd be right next to me the entire time,
but mental issues have always made her very uncomfortable.  It has something
to do with her childhood, and Josh and I never pressed to find out what that
was.
My reassurances seem to ease her troubled heart, and within the hour, she's
humming and puttering around the house.  Mom knows we're good to our word.

I give Leslie a call, to find out if maybe she knows someone needing a
roommate or has an apartment to rent...or even a room!

"Jesse!  You are in luck!  There's a guy I know who says they are needing a
third roommate.  He's a friend of Jonathan's.  Anyway, it's 1/3 share in
everything.  They live over by Forest Park, in that nice "yuppie" area.  I'm
sure it's a nice place, and let's just say, you'd fit in nicely."  She
laughs, but not hatefully.

"Oh yeah?  The guy's gay, huh?" I ask.

"Yeah, but I should tell you, they're "together"...as in they want a
platonic situation."

"Oh, well, that's actually better, then!"  I say, encouraged.  After all, I
don't have furniture for an entire place....just my bedroom furniture, my
computer furniture, a TV, and a stereo system.  What more could a guy need?

"Great!  His name is Jamie Watson, and his number is..." and she rattles of
the phone number, which I quickly memorize.  I have a thing about phone
numbers and dates.  I can memorize them instantly.

"Thanks, Leslie...I owe you one!"

We say our goodbyes, and I call Jamie right away.  Immediately we hit it off
over the phone and agree to meet later for dinner to get to know each other
and see the place before I decide.  I have to admit that the situation is
perfect:  my own room, my own bathroom, access to the kitchen of course, we
all share the living area, and they are not looking for a threesome, and
expect that to be the way things are to be.  Plus, they're gay so that'll
help me get "in" to the community and help me learn more about myself.

I take the time to call Daniel, my boss, and find out what I need to do to
keep my job.

"Well, Jesse, I told you before that I didn't accept your resignation.  But,
we do need to talk about a performance improvement plan, and I need to know
that you're getting help for your problems.  That aside, welcome back.  I
really don't want to lose you."

I agree to his terms, and we agree that I should just return on Monday so I
can get my life back in order.  And luckily he mentioned getting help.  I
pull Dr. Riley's number from my pocket and dial the office number.  A
pleasant lady, Nancy, answers the phone and we set up an appointment for
first thing in the morning.  Apparently they were waiting for my call.  I
mentally check that off my list of things to do.

A long last, 5:00 rolls around, and I head out to the Pasta House in the
Central West End, where Jamie and I agreed to meet.  Traffic is with me, so
I get there early, and ask for a table for 3, instructing the hostess that
my party should be here soon.  As I sit and peruse the menu, I notice a lot
of pairs of men, and a few pairs of women.  Clearly I'm in Gayville.  I
mentally chuckle and think to myself 'I've arrived!'.  I decide on what I'll
order, but keep the menu open just to keep from looking like I'm checking
out the action...which is of course what I'm doing.  Ten minutes later, a
couple of guys approach my table.

"Jesse?  I'm Jamie Watson, and this is my partner, Rob Peters."  We all
shake hands then take our seats.  Jamie is your average professor-type guy.
Good looking, a little bit of a gut, but not much.  Rob is clearly the boy
toy.  I'd guess Jamie to be about 42, and Rob about 28.

"So, how long have you guys been together?" I ask, trying to make
conversation.

"Oh, what is it, babe, about four years now?"  Rob says.  Jamie concurs.

"Cool!  I'm kind of new to the scene, as it were, and please excuse the
cliche.  I was married until about six months ago when my wife decided for
me that I'm gay and divorced me." I say.

"Oh, man, that sucks." Jamie says.

"Well, it's not so bad.  I guess I knew all along, but was in some serious
denial.  Anyway, she and I are friends now, and it's probably for the best.
She's got a new boyfriend, and he seems really nice, and he was really nice
to me, even though I'm the "ex"".

We make small talk, getting to know each other, through the rest of the
meal.  Rob is a nurse with Barnes Hospital, working on the cardiac unit.
Jamie is a professor, and works in the school of medicine, teaching
Chemistry and some other science classes.  I give them some of the details
of my life, like that I work for the telecommunications industry, and work
downtown, and I conveniently leave out some of the details of my recent
past.

"Downtown, huh?  Well, the good news is Metrolink is just like a few blocks'
walk, so you can save some money on parking!" Jamie says.  Metrolink is our
light-rail transportation system.

"Awesome!  It was never convenient for me before!" I reply.

Finally, the meal is over, and we argue over the check, but Jamie insists on
picking it up since this meeting was his idea.  We then get in my car and
drive over to their place, which is fairly close.  They had walked down,
which explains Rob's gorgeous body.  I avoid mentioning that as I don't want
to appear to be a threat.  I guess Jamie has some insecurities, and if Rob
were my boyfriend, I would TOO!  He's definitely a catch, and the last thing
I need or want is to cause Jamie's jealousy to rear it's head.

We get to their place, and it looks like something you'd see in a movie set
in New York.  It's very charming and elegant in a way.  They show me around,
even their bedroom.  I'm relieved to have my own bathroom, and my bedroom is
at the end of the hallway so if they're entertaining or just watching TV, I
won't be disturbed.  My room is technically the master bedroom, and they
give that to the third roommate so they can have a small living room set in
there as well as the bed and stuff.  I'm amazed at the amount of space in my
room.  They assure me that I'm welcome to join them in the main living room,
any time, though.  That this is my home too, and they insist that I treat it
that way.  Then Jamie suddenly gets all butch, and lays down the law.

"OK, here's how it is.  I'm going to say this once.  I'm off limits, and Rob
is off limits.  We don't want a third person in bed with us.  We do not have
any qualms about walking around here in various states of undress, and we
want you feel comfortable doing the same.  It's natural to take a look, and
that's ok, but no touching of a sexual nature, got it?  If you can live with
that rule, then you're welcome to take the room."  The both look at me
sternly.  Makes me wonder what would happen if....no, let's not find out.

I nod, and say "Got it!  No problem!  I'd love to take it!"

They both break into a big grin and each of them hug me.  "Welcome, roomie!
Oh, we are big on small gestures of friendship, like hugs and stuff.  And,
by the way, the Rule applies to anyone you bring home, and we do not want
any drugs in here.  Alcohol is ok, but you clean up your own puke, and
you're responsible for your guests' actions.  Fair enough?"  Rob says.

"Absolutely.  I'm not a big drinker at all, and drugs ... well, there's no
need for that in my life." I assure them.

"Great!  Let's get your stuff!"

We go out to my car, and drive over to my parents' place.  We still have the
U-Haul until tomorrow, so my stroke of luck was excellently timed.  Rob
offers to drive it over, and I have to convince my mom to wait until another
day to come see it.  They're not ready for her yet!!

Jamie decides to ride with me, so he can show me how to park for unloading.
On the way back, I decide to find out more about "the rules."

"Jamie, can I ask you something?"

"Sure, buddy...what's up?"

"Well, I have no problem with the rules you want me to follow, but can I ask
why?  I mean, I understood this was just a roommate situation from the
start.  It's none of my business, but I'm just curious."

"Oh, sure.  No, I'm glad you feel like you can ask.  Uh, let me put it
bluntly.  The last guy we let live here didn't understand that Rob and I are
exclusive.  He kept putting the moves on each of us individually.  One day
he even had the audacity to step into the shower with me, buck naked.  We
threw his ass out the next day.  We just want to have someone live in the
room to help with expenses and stuff.  Not that we NEED the money, mind you,
but Rob and I do like to travel when we can, so it helps us put extra money
aside."

"Ahh ok.  No, I understand, I just wondered why.  I mean, you guys were so
stern about it." I grin.  "So, how do you know Leslie again?"

"Ah, Leslie.  She's a card, that one."  Jamie chuckles.  "Jonathan and I
were college roommates, and we're like brothers.  We had dinner with them
last week, right after we threw Steven out of the apartment.  Leslie is
great, though. Very professional, but sweet."

I smile warmly.  "Yeah, I'm glad she and I can be friends.  I miss her a lot
at times, but then, I remember it wasn't always peaches and cream, either."

We get back to the apartment, and unload everything.  I insist that they
leave the putting together of the stuff to me, and go about their lives.  I
don't know why.  I guess it's an assertion of my independence.  For once, I
wanted to do something for myself.

Within the week, things have already become routine, and Jamie, Rob, and I
become best friends very quickly.  It's nice to have some male friends where
there are no sexual tensions between us.  True to their word, they will walk
from the bathroom to their bedroom naked, and often times sit in front of
the TV in their briefs.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't turned on, but I
try to hide my hard-on in my briefs, lest I give them the wrong idea.

One evening, I get caught looking, and Jamie notices my boner.  He laughs.
"Rob, we gotta get this boy a man." he says, nudging Rob in his very defined
ribs.  Rob looks over and laughs too.  They notice my discomfort.

"Don't sweat it, man...it's cool.  We don't expect you to be dead inside!
Actually, it's flattering." Rob says gently, and I feel better.  I notice
them notice me, but they don't make any comment, although Rob's face sort of
had an approving look.

I return back to the office, and make a huge effort to display a happy
attitude and work cheerfully.  Daniel notices, and gives me a thumbs-up as
he walks by, and a wink.  I know I'm probably on his good side, but I need
to prove that I'm with it again.  And I have to admit that it feels good to
have some normalcy in my life again.  I also have had two sessions with Cal,
as he insists I call him, and he puts me on an anti-depressant with the
intention that I'll eventually come off of it gradually as soon as my
chemistry is back in order.

Friday evening rolls around, and I'm so relieved that I notice I've been
hunched over my desk all week and my back has the signs of it.  I get home,
and I hear three voices in the kitchen area.  They hear me in the entryway
and call to me.

"Oh, hey, Jesse, come on in here.  We made dinner for you." Jamie calls.

I walk into the kitchen, and besides Jamie and Rob, is a nice looking guy,
around my age, perhaps.

Rob says "Jesse, this is Chris.  Chris, this is Jesse, our new roommate."
He stands and we shake hands.  "Come on and eat with us, Jesse."

I excuse myself for a moment, and toss my things onto my bed.  My hands are
a little sweaty.  Chris is fairly good looking, not a bad body.  I return to
the kitchen and join them for a wonderful lasagna meal.  Turns out Chris is
also a professor in the school of medicine, and we hit it off right away.

After dinner, Jamie suggests that Rob and Chris go into the living room to
have coffee, and asks if I'll help clear the table.  I eagerly accept,
anxious to find out the scoop on Chris.  The other guys depart, and we start
clearing.  There's a swinging door between the kitchen and the living room,
so I know we can talk fairly freely.

"So, what do you think of him, Jess?" Jamie asks.

"You dog!  You set me up on a blind date?" I tease.

"No.  But, let's just say that Chris is single, and he is wanting to meet
someone, and he happens to be a great guy and a good friend.  And, if you
happen to be interested, and I think HE is, then, who knows, maybe you could
date or something?" Jamie says, a touch of sly fox and a touch of light
humor in his voice.

"Whoa, buddy." I say gently.  "Don't start asking me where we're registered
yet." I grin.  "OK, yeah, I am interested, but I want to take things slowly.
  I mean, I've only known him for a hour or two."

"Oh, I know.  I'm just giving you the facts on what I know about him.  The
rest is up to the two of you, if you decide to go for it.  Dating, I mean.
Fact is, he has some confidence issues, and he's not had much luck finding
someone who wants more than a fast fuck."  Jamie explains.

I gasp at his use of that word.  It's the first time I've heard him use
language like that.

"Oh stop looking at me like that" he teases.  "I'm as human as the next guy!
   Anyway, this truly was just a casual dinner invite, but I wanted to see
your reaction.  He gave me some non-verbal clues as to his thoughts.  This
honestly wasn't a setup...it just worked out that way."

"OK, I believe you.  Not!" I laugh.  He snaps the towel near my crotch.
"Hey watch it there!"

Rob walks in.  "Ok you two, stop your flirting and get the damned dishes
done."  We all bust out laughing.  In the week or so I've been here, I've
learned that harmless flirtation is allowed, so long as we understand that's
all it is.

We spend the rest of the evening in the living room, chatting about
everything normally chatted about at a casual get-together.  At the end of
the night, as we are parting company, Chris walks over, and shakes my hand.

"Jesse, it was very nice to meet you.  I hope we can chat again sometime."

Taking a chance that this might be the spot for an opening, I offer "Well,
I'm free Sunday afternoon.  Would you like to maybe catch a movie or
something, and then we could get some dinner?"

He smiles shly.  "I'd like that."  He lets go of my hand and bids us good
night.  Jamie and Rob trade what they think are secret looks but I catch
them and they grin.

I walk Chris to the door, and shut it behind him.  Walking back to the
living room, I put out both hands and say "Guys, don't get carried away.  I
just met the guy, and after what I've been through, I have some trust issues
with dating and relationships.  It's something I'm working on with my
therapist."

Jamie comes over and puts an arm across my shoulder.

"Jesse, honest, we mean no harm.  If things don't work out with Chris, then
at least you'll have another friend to add to your list, right?  There's no
pressure, and certainly no strings."

Rob chimes in.  "Yeah, and when you and Jamie were flirting in the kitchen
(Jamie cuffs his shoulder playfully at that) he told me that he really finds
you attractive and hopes that you can be a friend if not a boyfriend.  He
also said he doesn't want to rush into anything either."

I let that sink in for a moment.  "Well....cool."

Jamie hands me a card.  "His phone number.  He obviously knows where to
reach you."  he says with a grin.

I take the card, bid them goodnight and thanked them for dinner, then went
to my room.  I sit on the bed, and stare at the card, wondering what my
future might hold.

To be continued.