Date: Mon, 18 Dec 2006 17:47:37 -0800 (PST)
From: John R Ohler <lightseeker19@yahoo.com>
Subject: Returning to Tate: Chapter 7

Ok everyone, sorry for taking so long with the next installment.
I thought it would be out long ago, but I had some personal
issues. I appreciate your patience. Hopefully this chapter is up
to your satisfaction. Anyway once again, all the characters in
the story are completely factictious and any resembalence in
purely coincidental, and scary This story is the intellectual
property of the author, so please don't take a post this
anywhere else. Thanks.

	       Returning to Tate Chapter 7:
		     Brothers Reunited

      There are points in life where time seems to move
faster then you can keep up with. Time has a way of
deceiving you. There are times when the days move slower
then a glacier on the move and then there are times when the
hands of the clock seem to be just jumping from number to
number with quicker jumps each time. Often in life you feel
like you are in a race against time. Tonight that was how I
felt. It was a race that I fear I might lose.
     I accelerated my car out of the driveway as quick as I
dared to go, which was much faster then I normally drove.
There was no thought in my mind about getting a speeding
ticket. The only thing running through it in the first
moments of driving was figuring out where to go. I thought
about the places that he hung around growing up and because
of how close we were alike, where I might go. My only fear
was that he would want to avoid me. If that was the case,
this was going to be very hard. Patrick knew me as well as I
knew him. That scared me.
     As I pondered my thoughts in those brief moments, I had
forgotten about Eric being in the car. "Can I ask what is
going on?" he meekly asked. He looked extremely
uncomfortable and nervous. I softened just looking at him.
     "I am sorry," I took a deep breath and looked at him.
There was something calming about having him around even
with all this shit going on. "My brother is missing. I don't
think there is anything, well hopefully there is nothing to
worry about, but I need to find him. He has sort of run away
from home."
     "Oh god, I hope he is alright," the concerns in his
voice made me feel a little bit stronger. "I am sure he will
be fine. Just have confidence. If he is anything like you
then I know he'll be ok."
     I thought about it for a few seconds. I really did not
want him to be like me. I knew if I was in a dark place then
there was more then a little chance of doing something I
would not normally do. Patrick was always stronger then I
was. I just hoped he had that strength today. "I hope so. He
and I have always been very close. He is only two years
younger then I am."
     "Wait, is your brother Patrick Caldwell?" I nodded.
"Damn, I should have put that together a little earlier. I
have never met him, but he is on the football team right? I
see the resemblance now."
    I chuckled. "Yeah that is him. I guess maybe I should
have mentioned that when we met. I just did not feel much
like talking about family though. That and I never thought
about both of you being in the same class."
     "That's cool. I know that you didn't feel up to that
and I totally understand. You don't have to talk about it if
you don't want to. I came by because I wanted to apologize
for whatever I did wrong."
     That made a stab into my gut. I had hoped that he did
not take it personally, but would he have thought of it any
other way? "No, don't apologize. I am the one that needs to.
You did nothing wrong whatsoever. That is the truth. You see
I am just pretty fucked up right now. I want to talk to you
about it all, I really do, but now is not the time I can go
through it all. I owe you the truth about what is going on
inside of me. I like you.you have been a calming influence
and a great friend. I don't want to lose that, I sincerely
do not."
     It was Eric's turn to finally blush. He had not done it
yet and not surprising, he was damn cute blushing. "Don't
worry about it. We all have shit on our plate that fucks
with us. I am the same way. I didn't think I had did
anything wrong, but I could not be sure. I consider you a
good friend too."
     "I am glad." I reached over and patted his left
shoulder. "Besides if I am going to be stuck in this town
all summer I need people to hang with."
     Eric's face lit up at that. "Well my summer just got a
lot better." He face then shifted to a look of almost shame.
"I am sorry for the excitement. Do you know where to look
for your brother?"
     "Don't worry about being excited that I am staying, I
am glad. It makes my decision feel more right." I paused for
a moment as I got my bearings. I knew where I was first
going. "I am not a hundred percent sure where he will be. I
have some ideas, but I'm afraid that he might be avoiding
me. If that is the case then it will be a lot more difficult
to find him. We both know each other too well."
     "You think he is avoiding you?"
    I took a few deep breaths. "I am not sure. It's tough
to say. Right now he is going through a lot of things and
perhaps more then I really know. That is sort of my fault
too. When I went to Burke I sort of lost a lot of contact
with people around here including my brother."
       "You lost contact with your family?" Eric asked
incredulously.
     "It's complicated," I did not know exactly what to say.
I did not really want to get into the story of my life at
this point, but I owed it to Eric. He started to say
something but I continued before he had a chance. "My
brother and I were close, but my parents and I were not,
well we have not be close for several years. That is why I
was stressed at the hospital, well the main reason. I guess
the easiest way to say it is to come out and just fucking
say it, but I am gay."
     I subconsciously looked down toward the pedals. Looking
down was what I always tended to do whenever I would admit
my homosexuality. I guess it was sort of a Pavlovian
response. That was one of the gifts of my father, shame.
Mentally I know that it was stupid to be ashamed of it, but
I could not help it. It was my instinct.
     Eric reached over and put his hand on my right hand. It
made me feel stronger. His simple touch seemed to make the
shame wash away from me. "I know. I knew it from the first
moment I met you. I am too."
     I gave him a small smile and looked back over to him. I
had to look back at the road quickly before I drove off it.
I guess I needed to pay a little bit of attention. Still I
did not let it faze me. "I know too. I mean I did not always
know, but I suspected. I think I got a defective gayder," I
chuckled but continued. "Anyway, my parents did not take it
well at all. So eventually I moved out to the Cross's and
lived there for the last two years of high school. When I
went to Burke, I went to sort of escape my life. I left it
here and tried to forget about everything. Then my Father
had a stroke and I came back."
     "I am sorry. I cannot imagine not being close to my
family. They have always been there for me. I can understand
wanting to leave this town though. I have only been here a
year and I want to be out of here more then anything. I
cannot imagine always living here." I could see a lot of
pain in his expression.
     I turned the car and started to drive down Eagles Way.
I figured the best place to start was the YMCA. It was hard
to think with Patrick missing and Eric looking so down all
at once. His pain especially bothered me. I felt I should
try to talk to him about everything but now did not seem the
best time. Still it was worth a try. I had to try.
     "Is everything ok with you?" I glanced over to him and
gave him a concerned look. "You seem like you need to talk
about something. I would be glad to listen to you. God knows
you have and probably will do more of that with me. I don't
normally talk about my problems this much, but it is easy
with you. I want it to be easy for you too."
    He stared at me for a few seconds and seemed to shift
uncomfortably. He looked like he was going about everything
for a split moment, but then he replied, "No, I don't feel
up to it, at least not right now. I just.I just don't want
to talk about it. I am sorry. I should be willing to do it,
but it is just too hard right now. Besides you don't need to
hear my worries right now. You need to focus on your
brother.  I am here to help you out. Thanks though, I really
appreciate the offer and the compliment."
     "No problem, thanks for being here tonight," I replied.
I thought about pushing it a little bit on trying to get him
to open up and talk, but that did not seem right. He needed
to talk about it, but only when he was ready. That's what I
had to do. Trying to do anything else would have been
hypocritical. "If you feel like you want to talk about it
and when you are ready just know that I am there for you
too."
     He smiled and blushed again. "Thanks, you kick ass you
know. So where is our first place to look for you brother?"
     "Well I figure to try the YMCA first. We both always
hung out there. Then I figure I would go by MacArthur Park.
I do not think he would be there, but there is a place there
I used to go all the time to think. There is a chance, ever
slight that he might have gone there."
     "Could he have gone to one of his friends for help
perhaps?"
     I had thought about that a little bit too. "Maybe, but
to be honest I am not sure who all of his friends are
nowadays. I know a couple that he hung out with, but that
just feels like a needle in the haystack. Fuck though I
guess all of this is really that. It is nothing more then a
guessing game. I am just hoping there is some luck running
with me tonight."
     Eric sat quietly for a minute. I think he sensed I
needed to be able to think for a minute. I was beginning to
feel the frustration and the nervousness again. Where the
hell would he go? Four years ago I could have said it in a
heartbeat, now though I felt completely at a loss. I just
had to have some faith.

     Patrick sat there against the tree for what seemed like
forever. His comprehension of time seemed to have vanished.
He was numb to time and his surrounding. There was no
feeling in the bark burrowing in his skin on his back or the
rocks on the ground. He was not sure how long he cried but
it seemed like it would never end. Patrick while always
passionate had been instilled with his Fathers ideas that
real men did not cry. He could not remember the last time
that he had cried. Once he let the crying start though, he
could not seem to stop it. It felt like Pandora opening the
box. The crying had made him feel even worse because he felt
shame in that. It made him feel weak. The one consolation
was that there was no one here to see him.
     He could not remember feeling so bad and so alone. All
his life one of the great abilities he had always possessed
was the ability to shift his mood to good at almost a
heartbeat. It was a strength that he possessed. His motto
was there was always something good to look forward to. That
had been severely tested in the past, but even the dark days
when his brother was kicked out of the house, he had at
least been able to keep it together. That was because of his
brother. Even when Justin was going through hell, Patrick
knew that he was watching over him and that seemed to have
meant everything. Justin may not have been home, but he was
just down the street. More then one night he had snuck out
of the house to see his brother. There was never a doubt in
his mind that if he needed it, Justin would be there in a
heartbeat for him. He was his big brother.
     Patrick thought about pulling out his cellular phone
and calling Ryan. He knew that Ryan would be all too happy
to pick him up and let him crash. They had been friends for
years. It didn't feel right though. When Justin left the
house he had went to the Cross's. He had been able to go
there because they had been like family to him. Ryan had
been a good friend to Patrick, but they were no where near
as close as Rick had been to his brother. No the truth of
the matter was that while Patrick had a ton of friends, none
felt close enough to call for help like this. They just
always knew that always happy and strong Patrick. They knew
the image he had built up all these years.
     Slowly Patrick stood up. He legs were wobbly as he got
up. The muscles in his legs were stiff from the running. He
felt drained from the physical exertion and all the crying
had made him emotionally tired. He pulled the bottom of his
shirt up and wiped his eyes and cheeks clear of the tears.
The salty taste of his tears was bitter to him. There was a
moment that he thought he would start crying again, but
somewhere inside of him he got the strength to force it
back. He was not sure what he was going to do, but more
crying wasn't going to help.
     The playground was now empty. He was thankful for that.
People were the last thing he felt like seeing at the
moment. Taking a deep breath, he started to walk across the
playground to the road. He was not sure where he was going,
but he could not stay around here. He needed to try to focus
his mind, walking had always helped with that.
     Once he got to the road he started walking north along
Fifth Street. All along the road were some houses that had
been built in the early part of the twentieth century. Every
house looked different and seemed to have a flavor and
history of its own. The neighborhood was not the best of
ones in town, but in a town the size of Tate none of them
were truly bad. This one just tended to be more rundown and
had lower land values. It was a neighborhood where there
poorer people tended to live in. There probably was a spike
in crime rate in this part of town, but not enough that
Patrick would feel scared walking at night through. Besides,
to be honest, Patrick was not sure if he cared if he came
across something dangerous right now. There was a part of
him that wished that was just what would happen.
     Patrick did his best to not feel pity for himself, but
right now he had a lot of trouble with that. There was so
much that he felt guilty for. Every teenager probably
wondered from time to time if the world would be better if
they were not around, but Patrick had never really felt like
that, at least not until the last few days. Rationally, he
knew Justin was right. He was not the fault of his Father's
stroke, but dammit, he had been there. He had given him the
news that set him over the top. What made him feel worse
though was he was not sure how he felt about his Fathers
stroke. He was conflicted.
     The part that scared him was that he was not sure if he
really felt sad about his Fathers stroke and the fact that
he wasn't going to get better. There was a part that really
just wanted him to finally die. Deep down inside him there
was anger. He had buried the anger deep down because he felt
ashamed of it. It was an anger that Patrick felt no son had
a right to have for their Father. It felt wrong and
disrespectful. It was there, nevertheless. The suppression
had only made it grow. The anger often felt like it was
going to boil into rage sometimes. It was anger over his
father's competitive side, kicking Justin out, hitting
Justin and him, and so much more. A father should be one of
the hearts of the family, but to Patrick it felt like he had
ripped it apart. It made part of him cold to the demise of
his father. That was scary and not right. This was a hard
for Patrick to swallow since he had tried to do what was
always right. He wanted to be like Justin.
     All this felt compounded because he felt he had let
everyone down. He knew that all he had done this evening was
be the cause of more pain in the family. His Mother, while
he did have issues with, he knew that he truly loved her.
She may have a lot of faults, but she had tried with him.
There was no doubt the pain she was going through right now
and he had felt like he just put more salt on her pain. What
kind of son did that? He knew if the situation had been
reversed and Justin was still at home, he would not have
done it. He would have been there for Mom. Hell, with
everything they have done to him, he came all the way back
from Burke.
     Thinking of Justin, he felt like he let him down.
Justin had always told him that he wanted him to stay at
home and not get into trouble over him, but there was a part
that felt ashamed he never did more for him. Patrick felt
like perhaps Justin would not have left if he had been more
of a man back then and stood up. He might have been able to
fix the rift in the family if he had been stronger. After
the fight with his father though, he had given in. He felt
he had failed to be a dutiful brother by trying to be the
dutiful son at the same time.
     Patrick just didn't know what to do. All he knew right
now was there was more pain filling him and guilt then he
ever had felt. He wanted it to just cease. The weight made
breathing hard. He did not want to face the world anymore.
It was taking all his efforts to not break down and start
crying again. For the first time in his life, he seriously
contemplated that his time had past. So he walked. A thought
crossed through his head that this was the last time he
would see this street.

     "You don't think Patrick would do anything rash do
you?" Lisa asked Rick as they were driving down Northeastern
Avenue. The concern in her voice was unmistakable. There was
a subtle tinge of fear in her tone.
    Rick started to reply quickly, but he was not sure of
the answer. Patrick had always seemed like a free spirit,
but to be honest he did not really know Patrick well. He had
been the type of person that did not open up to people and
that had been only too true with Rick. Rick could remember a
time that Patrick resented him. When Rick and Justin had
been in elementary school, Patrick had went as far as
pushing him down and yelling that he was not Justin's
brother. The resentment had never come back, but there was
always a slight air that Rick felt with Patrick. They got
along well and joked around, but they never were anywhere
close to like Rick was with Justin.
     "I don't know," Rick finally broke the silence.
"Patrick has always been a strong kid, but everyone has
their breaking point. You know there was a time I would have
said that Justin would always be well, but then I saw him
fall apart. There is nothing scarier then seeing the person
you see as the strongest one in your life collapse. There
was more then one time I felt that I would not see Justin
the next morning."
     "Oh my god," Lisa reached over and grabbed his hand on
the gearshift. "I knew that he was depressed, but I never,
well I never figured it was that bad. I guess though with
all that he went through it is not surprising. No one wants
to think anyone has it that bad."
     "Yeah, it is easy to overlook. Maybe that is what has
happened to Patrick. Thankfully I could not overlook Justin.
He was like a brother and his pain was my pain. He could
never hide it from me."
     Rick paused for a moment and he felt a spark inside of
himself that he had not felt in a long time. It was the
connection that he had always had with Justin, but he had
let it be suppressed for the last couple of years. He had
thought that it was gone, but no he had just tried to forget
it. It was easy to remember the good times, but the hard
times were ones he had let slip. Those hard times though
were what made a close friendship like Justin and his be a
great friendship. It was what made them more then friends
but brothers. There was a wave of guilt at feeling abandoned
by Justin. Justin had never really left him, but instead he
had left his problems. The problem was Rick had remained
where his problems were. He knew this. Maybe if he had tried
to go up to Burke more often then things could have been
better. Instead that just seemed so far away. Why did he
think it would seem any closer for Justin either?
     "Are you ok honey," his thoughts were broken by the
voice of the girl he loved.
     "Yeah, I was just having a realization. Justin left
because he had to leave his problems. The last two years I
had been there so much for him. I had helped keep him
together. I guess in a way I helped give him the strength to
go to Burke. He needed to get away from seeing his problems
everyday though. He needed time to think. I stayed though. I
remained where his problems were. I just feel stupid right
now."
     "You shouldn't feel that way," Lisa said comfortingly.
It was a tempting thing for him to do.
    "No it is not," he pushed back her comforting voice.
"You say all of those idiotic things in high school that
moving to another school changes nothing, but we have to
change with it if we expect friendships to remain close. I
expected that he would be the one coming back all the time,
but you know, I only went to Burke twice. I never left the
world we grew up and I thought that he would just slide back
I think."
     Lisa looked at him not sure what to say. "Friendship is
a two way street. You are not the only one to blame, but it
is good you can see it. Things will be fine."
     He let her words soften him a little bit. "I am sorry.
I just never realized what I was doing. I had built up this
resentment without being aware of it. In high school I sort
of became his protector. When he left for college I just
felt like he did not need it. Tonight though has made me
afraid what would have happened if he went through something
like this there. Would he have still called me like when we
were in high school? Or did he believe that I was not there
anymore?"
     "You were there and he knew that. I know you know
Justin far better then I, but from the times I was around
the both of you, I knew that he never felt let down. He had
full faith and trust in you. In those last two years of high
school, he always looked nervous and uncomfortable, except
when he was around Patrick or you. Then he almost seemed
confident and happy in life. He reminded me of the old
Justin, the one before his sixteenth birthday. That is not
the type of person to forget you. Just make up for the lost
time. Everything really will be fine."
    Rick had to smile at her. She had become his weakness
and strength all in one. "Thanks, I needed to hear that. I
guess I will just feel better when we can find Patrick and
then I can talk to Justin. I guess there is nothing like a
little mutual fear to remind you what people mean to you."
     "Do you know where to look for him?"
     Rick pondered. He had told Justin that he would try on
the north side of town. Patrick had been always like Justin,
so the best he could figure was too try to think about where
Justin would have went. If it had been Justin he would have
wanted to avoid people. He usually went to a park or
something, preferable one of the ones that would have no
people in them. Unfortunately the hour did not help since
most would be like that now. Well, he knew that Patrick
would be on foot so that meant trying the closest ones to
his house and work his way out.
     "Not sure, we will try the parks and places with no
people around. That would be what Justin would do."
    He turned his car on Fifth Street. Almost immediately
his headlights seemed to spotlight a lone figure walking
down the street. There was no doubt it was Patrick. The way
he walked and his head down reminded Rick of Justin. Their
mannerism had always been similar and apparently that was
true in depression too.
     "Thank bloody god," Rick pulled out the cell phone. He
pointed at the person walking and began to slow the car.
"There he is."
     Lisa sighed in relief. "I knew you could do anything."
     Rick could just smile at her for a moment waiting for
Justin to answer the phone. "We found him. He is walking on
Fifth Street as we speak." He paused for a moment to hear a
response. "Don't worry we will be here."
     Rick brought his car ahead of Patrick and pulled to the
side of the road. "Just stay here for a minute. If he is
like Justin it will be easier with just me. Hopefully Justin
will be here in just a few minutes."
     "Go to him, I will be here waiting. I am just glad
everything is fine now."
     "Well hopefully, I am not as close as I am to Patrick.
Like I said, never really close, but I just need to hold him
here until Justin comes. He can make things right." As he
said it, he realized he really felt like that.
    He got out of the car. It seemed like Patrick did not
notice him at first. Patrick had his head looking to the
ground and seemed lost in his thoughts. The pain was obvious
in him. Rick had never seen Patrick look so down. It broke
his heart to see him look so down. Patrick had been always
the chipper one.
     "Hey whats up dude," Rick called out and seemed to
startle Patrick. "Watcha you doing walking down here at this
hour?" Rick tried to keep a light hearted voice.
     Patrick looked almost like a cornered animal. His head
looked right and left. For a moment Rick worried that he was
about to make a run on him. If that happened he doubted he
could catch him. Patrick was quick. Thankfully he just
shrugged. "Just going on a walk and trying to think. What
are you doing here? This seems a bit out of the way for
you."
     "Ah just driving around and saw you on the side of the
street. Figured I would stop and say hey." Rick gave a big
smile.
     Patrick eyed him suspiciously. He knew better then
that. Rick had always been cool with him, but this just
seemed too coincidental. "Well you have said hi, I just sort
of want to be alone if you don't mind." He started to walk
by Rick.
     The subtle way was not working, so Rick tried the
direct. Patrick was like Justin. As Patrick started to walk
by him he grabbed his left shoulder. Patrick whirled around
and for a moment he though that a punch might be thrown.
That did not stop him though. He was willing to take
whatever it took to keep Patrick here.
     "Yeah I do mind. What's up?"
     "Nothing just leave me alone," Patrick lashed out.
"Can't you take a hint? I need to think and I want to be
alone. Alone means no you being around." Patrick tried to
pull away, Rick just moved with him.
     "Bullshit," Rick yelled back. "I have known you forever
and your brother is the best friend I ever had. I recognize
the look in you face. I have seen it in Justin's face. It is
a look that scares me. That is the look that I will not walk
away from. You may need to think, but alone I think not."
     Patrick weakened. Still he tried to move away a little
quicker, but it was hard. "I am not Justin so fuck you. Just
leave me alone."
     Rick moved faster and got in front of him. "No you are
not, but you are my friend and fuck you may not think of me
as your brother, but you are. You have me worried and you
have Justin worried. He's on his way right now. If you will
not stop for me, you will for him. He is worried."
     "But I don't want him to know," Patrick just once again
collapsed and started crying. Rick just held him and let him
cry. Sometimes that was all you could do.
    "Its ok, it really is," Rick whispered into Patrick's
ear.
     After a couple of minutes a car raced down the road and
came to a screeching halt. Patrick felt shame at making
Justin so worried. He knew as soon as he saw him leap from
the car. The worries were not something that Justin was good
at hiding. He looked just about as scared as he had ever
seen him before.

    As I pulled the car to the side of the road, I felt a
relief that I don't think I had ever felt before. I felt
like I had been holding my breath since my Mom had called.
Now all the tension was gone. Everything would.no had to be
fine. The first sight of Patrick in Rick's arms made me feel
relief and sadness. It broke me up that he was in such pain.
He was Patrick and that had always equaled happiness and no
pain. Thank god Rick was there for him. Rick was always
there.
     "Pat," I ran over and grabbed him. "Are you ok?"
 "I am so sorry, I am sorry, I didn't want you
                      to
worry," Patrick muttered between some sobs. "I
am not as strong as you. I fucked up."
     "No, no everything is fine. You are fine.
I am here. You know I am always here for you.
You are my brother."
     Those words seemed to give him a little
     bit of
strength. "I know you are, but I wanted to be
as strong as you. You never would have fallen
apart like I just did."
  I had to laugh at that. It seemed to startle
                    Patrick.
"Are you kidding? You saw me. I broke up all the
time. Fuck I left home. Hell from before I left
home I was always just barely holding it
together. Honestly, I have always wished I had
your strength to carry me through."
     "Yeah but you had a real reason. Dad kicked
you out and fucked you over. If our roles were
reversed you would not have lashed out at
Elaine, you would be strong for the family, and
you wouldn't have been contemplating what I was.
I just feel like a complete failure right now."
     He did not want to look me into my face,
but I wouldn't let that happen. I moved to look
him into his eyes. "Not true. I have blown up at
Elaine too. Damn when do I not fight with
Elaine. Apparently not as good as you.I feel a
bit envious at that. I never seem to affect her
that much," that forced him to give me a small
grin. "As for the other thing you are alluding
too, if it is suicide. Yeah more then once I
considered it. Hell I tried it once. If it
wasn't for this guy," I pulled Rick over. "I
would have done it. He pulled me from the edge
of it."
     Rick lightly punched me in the gut. "That's
for that time to. I forgot I owed you that."
That seemed to lighten up the mood a little
more. "Scare me like that!"
     "We are all human. One of the things I look
to for my strength is you. Rick and you are the
two closest people too me. Come to me when you
need to talk. Fuck I am staying here at least
for the summer. I need you to keep my sanity in
dealing with Mom and.ok no one probably can help
with dealing with Elaine, but you can help me
not to kill her."
     Patrick chuckled for a minute. "Yeah no one
     can keep
their cool with Elaine. I have to admit that it
felt good to give her a piece of my mind. I
never have really done that before."
 "I wish I could have seen her face. That would
                      have
been a Kodak moment." I smiled at Patrick. "Now
why don't you come with me and we will talk
about it."
"Yeah, I guess," Patrick relented. "I just don't
                      want
to go home. Don't make me go back there."
     "Hey you know you can crash at my place,"
Rick spoke up. "We put up all Caldwell's that
need a place to stay. We don't call it the
Caldwell Hostel for nothing. Besides you are
family too".
  We all laughed at that. "Well tonight you can
                      come
there, but tomorrow we need to get you home, Mom
is worried."
     "But Elaine."
     "We will deal with Elaine, together," I
replied confidently. "We are the Caldwell
brothers, nothing defeats us. You know the
saying when we were in little league together."
We both laughed again. "No I will talk to Mom.
We will get some things straightened out. I
won't make you go back to anywhere that you
might feel uncomfortable. You know that right?
We will just set up ground rules, but Mom does
need you and I need you. I need you to be there
when I can't. Like I said though, I am here for
you. I am not going anywhere for at least a few
months and even then I still am not really
leaving."
     He stared out me for a minute and slowly
nodded. "Ok, I can do that. I trust you. And
Rick," Patrick turned and looked at him. "Thanks
for finding me tonight. I don't know what I
would have done if you had not."
 "Ah don't worry, I can find any Caldwell. It is
                       my
super power.although thinking about it I would
rather be able to fly."
 After a few minutes more of talking, Rick told
                      me he
would meet us back to the house. I felt like a
team with Rick again tonight and that felt
especially good with the relief I already was
feeling for Patrick. In the whole situation I
had forgotten about Eric until I was walking
Patrick to my car. I was not sure how to
introduce them together. Oh well, I guess I was
going to have to wing it.
     "Who's that in the car," Patrick asked as
we got up to the car.
     Eric got out of the car and felt as
uncomfortable as I did. "Uh, well this is my
friend Eric. Eric this is my brother."
     Patrick seemed to ponder him for a second.
You could see his mind working it all out. Then
his eyes seemed to bulge for a second. "Hey I
know you. You are in my class at school. You're
gay right?" The ever tactful Patrick exclaimed.
He then looked from him to me and let a big grin
out. "Hey you two aren't dating are you?"
 "Uh.no.I mean we are friends," I stammered. "I
just.well just meet him."
     Patrick laughed at me. He had the look of a
kid on Christmas that just got the best gift
ever. Oh how I knew I was about to be made fun
of. "That's ok, sorry if I embarrassed you," he
looked at a red faced Eric. "I don't mean to
give you a hard time, but the chance to give it
to my bro, well I can't pass that up. It would
be unnatural. It is good to meet you."
     "Yeah, I understand that," Eric looked very
shy replying back. "I can see how he would be
fun giving him a hard time too. I am hoping
he'll let me give him a hard time all summer."
     "Well I am sure you will give him something
hard," Patrick laughed as he opened the backseat
car door. "You love birds can share the front
seat."
     Both Eric and I blushed more. Damn, I had
forgotten how well Patrick could embarrass me. I
was going to have to get even with him. "He
is.you know. just kidding," I stammered too
Eric.
     He finally just busted out laughing. I
could do nothing but reply with the same. "Oh
god this is bound to be an interesting summer
that is for sure."
     We got into the car and I started to drive
Eric back to his house. I could tell that he
still wanted to spend more time with me. Truth
be told, I sort of wanted to too, but I needed
to focus on Patrick. Plus I knew that his Mother
had to be worried to death about him. I would be
too if he left after what he been through. I was
guessing he had left before she got home. He had
said that she was in protective mode right now.
I understood that. I wanted to be just as
protective. Hopefully I did not get him in
trouble. I would not forgive myself for that.
 On the way over to Eric's house Patrick kept up
                       the
mood. It felt like nothing had changed. I had
missed being around him. Just like before he
still seemed to have the ability to shift back
his mood to a good one. Still even now I could
see that he still had some nervousness in him,
he was feeling more comfortable, but he could
not hide it all from me.
     Eric seemed to take a liking to Patrick
too. After a couple of minutes he was giving
back as good as he got. They chatted about the
basics of school and bitched about the teachers.
Patrick seemed to know some things about Eric
but he avoided subjects that might make him
uncomfortable. Once while Eric had his back turn
to him and I was looking at Patrick saying
something in the rearview mirror he pointed at
Eric and gave me the thumbs up. It was what he
did whenever anyone was talking to a girl that
they wanted to date and he approved. I just
blushed again and got one of those stupid grins.
When Eric turned to me he could only give me a
quizzical look. That just made Patrick bust out
laughing.
   As I pulled into Eric's Driveway, he Mother
                    seemed to
coming running out of the house. She was a woman
that looked
in her early thirties with blonde hair that was
in a short professional look. She was not
exactly thin but she was not overweight. Her
height could not have hit five foot, but she
looked taller with the way she carried herself.
She had a set of black rimmed glasses that gave
her an air of sophistication. Her outfit she was
wearing was a very smart looking suit, skirt
combination. If I had her as a professor I would
definitely feel her aura of academia.
     "Eric Tyler Greene, you get out of that
car!" Her voice had that authority only a mother
could give. We all slumped a little bit in our
seats subconsciously. I think we all felt in
trouble not just Eric. He looked like a ghost
with how pale he became. She did not seem like
the woman that you wanted on her bad side.
     "Are you going to be ok?" I muttered under
my breath. I was afraid to speak louder.
     "Uh yeah.I think," he replied just as low
but in a more nervous voice. "I have not seen
her get this mad."
     "Don't make me yell your name again,
Mister! You may have just come back from the
hospital but I can send you back!" She stopped
right in front of my car. "That is why we have
good health insurance!"
 Eric slowly slunk out of the car. I thought he
                      would
just roll out at first. He kept his head down
and looked very guilty. "I am sorry. I just had
to go out."
     "Sorry does not cut it Eric," Her voice
lowered but was still full of authority,
although there were wisps of concern in her
voice. "You know how scared you have had me. I
was about to call the police and your father is
out looking for you."
     Eric started to reply, but I felt I could
not let him get in trouble by himself. I got my
courage together and got out of the car. Her
gaze shifted to me. It was an angry one, but one
that softened as soon as I spoke. "Uh Mrs.
Green, I don't mean to interrupt but I have to
take part of the responsibility. He came to see
me because I sort of worried him. I am sorry."
     She seemed to mellow more and even gave me
a small grin. "It is not your fault. He knows
better. You must be Justin," She walked over and
shook my hand. I felt almost in shock at the
quick change from anger to being one of the most
pleasant people I have seen. There was a warmth
that I had not seen from her that seemed to
spring from her. "Eric has done nothing but talk
about you since you came by his hospital room
the first time."
     Once again I blushed. Fuck I needed to stop
this, it was becoming too much of a trend. "Uh
thanks, but anyway we were hanging out and I
sort of had to go quickly without telling him
why and he basically came by to make sure that
everything was ok. So you see, I hold some of
the responsibility."
  "I understand that. I was young once, but he
                      knew
better then to run out. He could have waited
until I got home and then I would have given him
a ride or he could have used one of the new
technologies, a phone. Sneaking out is not
acceptable," her voice went up a couple of
octaves with the last word and her look shifted
to Eric. "We have just been very worried about
him. At least he was with someone that seemed
responsible. Thank you for that."
     "Well I try," I shrugged not knowing what
     else to say. "Irregardless, we have tried
     to teach Eric that there
are consequences for his actions," She paused
and gave him a stern look. "I guess though for
all that you have been through we can let this
one slip by. Besides I think the embarrassment I
have managed to do is punishment enough. It is
hard work for a Mother to succeed so well at
this."
Eric let out a loud sigh, "Thanks Mom, you are
                      the
best. I'm sorry for worrying you. You know
that."
     "I know dear, we are not done talking
about it, but I think we can do that in private
and not in front of your friend." She then
moved her gaze back to me. "Well I assume since
you felt guilty about this that you can make
dinner Sunday night so his Father and I can
properly meet you."
     I felt very fidgety under her gaze. It
terrified me to say no, but from her eyes I knew
I could not. "Yeah I can do it."
     "Excellent, then dinner will be at six,
feel free to come anytime Sunday. We don't go
out. Besides I am sure Eric will want to fully
prepare you for meeting us." She gave Eric a sly
grin.
     "Ok," that was all I could reply. Eric gave
me a sympathetic shrug and smile. Then he meekly
followed his Mom into the house. I just kind of
stood in the driveway looking dumb founded. I
felt like I was meeting the parents of someone I
was dating. We weren't even doing that, but it
scared the hell out of me. Of course that was
not a bad thought really.
 I got into the car and Patrick jumped into the
                      front
seat that Eric had vacated. "Wow dinner with the
     in laws!" All I could do was turn and punch
     him in the shoulder
as hard as I could. He gave me a shocked look
and we both busted out laughing. "We are just
friends. I am not dating him."
     "You want too though, don't you bro."
    As I turned the key on and put the car in
                   reverse, I
turned and looked at Patrick. He had that
knowing look that I knew I could not lie too. "I
don't know, but yeah, I guess. I have never had
an opportunity like this and I really do like
him."
 He just grinned at me. "I say go for it. You've
                       got
nothing to lose. Besides dating is fun."
     "So says the person that dated half of the
women in his class."
 "Uh it is three fourths now and working on the
                      class
below too.. I mean you missed the last two
years." Once again we both laughed.
     I pulled out of the driveway and started to
drive back to the Cross's. I almost started a
deeper conversation with Patrick, but it did not
feel right at the moment. There was a dance of
sorts that we played when there were important
things to talk about. Our conversations had a
flow to them, and we could tell when the other
was ready to talk. Otherwise we just moved
around everything else and kept it light.
Patrick needed a little bit of just getting back
into the groove of being around me before he
talked to me. He needed it to be a little light
for a bit. I understood. It would have been the
same way with me. It wouldn't be until everyone
else had went to bed that we would talk about
it. Serious talks always happened at the deepest
part of the night. I guess that is when you feel
the safest talking about them.
     As we drove back to the Cross house, I took
a moment to call Mom. Patrick seemed nervous
while I talked to her, but he did not say a
word. I did not spend much time on the phone. I
basically told her that everything was good and
that Patrick was with me. She was not happy when
I told her that I was taking him over to the
Cross's. She tried to be adamant against it, but
I told her that we both would come over tomorrow
and that Patrick would continue staying at home.
He just needed a night away to clear his
thoughts. I think she was a little afraid that
it was clearing thoughts with me, but she did
not have much of a choice. She tried to
get me to pass the phone to him, but I told her
that he was not available for the moment. I
thought for sure we were about to break out in
another round of our cycle of fighting we have
been in, but she surprised me in the end. She
basically relented and told me to pass on to
Patrick that she loved him. Then she got off the
phone.
     I should have been relieved that the
conversation went so easy with her. I did not
enjoy fighting with her, but I felt down after
talking with her. It was the fact that she had
asked me to pass on to Patrick that she loved
him, but said nothing to me. Why it bothered me
still, I could not really say. It shouldn't. At
least that is what I kept saying to myself. I
knew that she was upset with me and that for
four years I was not part of the family, at
least her family. Still I a part of me
desperately wanted that. I just tried to shrug
it off.
     Patrick noticed that I was bothered by
something after the call. I just said the usual,
"Mom just got me frustrated, but it is cool."
Patrick started to push the issue and we just
went back to the dance. Just like Patrick knew
that my conversation was not over with him, I
knew his to me was not either. That was actually
comforting. I may not have my Mother back in my
life, I did have my brother.
     We arrived back at the Cross house and just
     like at
Eric's a Mother came running out. This time
though she was not yelling. She had a look that
mixed a smile, relief, and concern all in one
look. I think that was one of those special
looks that Mothers develop when they have kids.
There was no way I could convey that much in a
single look. Seeing her coming out to the car,
all I could do was grin. This was just another
reminder of what a mother should act like. Hell,
she felt like she was my mother. Patrick seemed
a little uncomfortable and guilty seeing her
come out. I know he felt smaller then a speck of
dust for making her worry. I knew what he was
going through. Back in the past I thought I only
had worried Rick, which made me ashamed enough,
apparently now I know I had them all worried
more then once. Fuck that made me feel a little
ashamed.
     "Patrick, are you ok?" Mrs. Cross grabbed
     hold of
Patrick as soon as he stepped out of the car. It
was a little funny seeing because even though
Patrick looked like the strong athlete, in her
embrace he looked as weak as a babe. As she held
him she gave me a look that told me she was
proud of me. It made me feel like I was two feet
taller and damn near invincible, not a normal
feeling for me to say the least.
      "You must be so stress out with everything
that is going on with your father and school at
the same time." Mrs. Cross continued acting as
if there was nothing to worry about this
evening. "You have to be hungry too. I always
wished that Justin would have your appetite. It
is a healthy one. I hope you don't mind but I
cook up some food for you."
     Patrick face lit up. He did love Mrs.
     Cross's cooking.
"Yeah I am famished." His stomach growled to
back up his statement.
     "Well come inside and get some food," Mrs.
Cross started pulling him to the door. "It has
been too long since you have been by. I have
always said you are welcome here. I would say
that I consider you my youngest son but you
always seemed more mature then Rick, so I have
to place him as the youngest."
We went inside and there was a three course meal
waiting. When Mrs. Cross had said that she had
cooked something up, she was not lying. She had
made a Caesar salad, cooked up some of her
famous Italian sausage lasagna, and made a
cheesecake to top off the meal. Until the food
was in front of me, I had not realized how
hungry I was. I guess the stress of the evening
had made me completely forget I had not eaten
since this afternoon.
     Rick arrived shortly after we sat down.
When I asked what took him so long, he just said
that he had had to run a quick errand. He did
not say any more and I did not push it. He
seemed just as hungry as Patrick and I. It felt
like a race to see who could eat the most. As
per normal I was the first one out, followed by
Rick. Patrick finished off the lasagna and I
think only left two pieces of cheesecake left
because he felt it would be rude to finish all
of that off too.
     While we ate dinner, everything felt like
normal. It felt like we were all back in High
School and eating one of the many meals here.
There was no stress and everyone seemed to fall
into their roles. The rest of the evening went
by the same way. We went upstairs and played
some Playstation 2 in Rick's room. It was fun.
The only thing I noticed was that Patrick stuck
around me really close. He either felt
uncomfortable around Rick alone or just was
afraid to leave me by myself. I didn't complain.
He was my little brother and honestly I felt
overly protective around him at the moment
irregardless.
     Finally it was time to go to bed. Patrick
and I retired to my room. As we walked into it,
Patrick seemed to move a little more slowly and
definitely got a little quieter. He knew that
the talk was about to happen. Truth be told I
guess I was doing the same. Just like him, I was
not looking forward to it. What the hell do you
say? Fuck, I guess I was about to find out.
     "So you back for the summer because of
Eric," Patrick broke the silence as he sat on my
bed. "He seems like a good guy. I guess cute,
not that I pay attention to guys. Plus he seems
to have a good attitude, which is impressive
since I know some of the things he has gone
through."
     I sat down beside Patrick. "No I am staying
because of you, Mom, Dad, and even Elaine I
guess. Just don't tell her that. I could not
just go back with things like this. I will say
that Eric is an added benefit, but even if I did
not know him, I would be here. You need me."
     I paused. I could feel Patrick looking at
me, but I had shifted to looking at my feet.
Talking about my feelings was not the easiest
thing for me. "I am also here for me. I have so
missed you. I realized that as soon as I saw you
again in the High School."
 "You mean that?" Patrick softly said beside me.
                      "You
are not saying that because of tonight?"
     I looked over to Patrick and could see the
shame in his eyes. He looked like he was about
to breakdown. "Of course I mean that. I know I
have not been the best brother the last."
     "No you have been a great brother," he
interrupted me. "You have just been through so
much."
     "That is no excuse," I continued. "What I
have been going through has nothing to do with
our relationship, and I have let it." Patrick
started to interrupt me again, but I just
continued. "I have been selfish. I have looked
at my problems and forgot the people that needed
me here and were keeping me afloat.  You, Rick,
the Cross's, you all have been there for me. I
thought the easiest thing to do was run away. At
first it is, but really that is not true. It is
the coward's way. In life you can chose to face
it and be a man. You can take responsibility.
That is what I need to do. That is why I am
staying. Running away is not free you of the
problems, it just puts them on hold. This is.
Being her right now.  I am glad I am."
     Patrick looked down to his feet. His face
was filled with shame. I just wanted it to go
away. My brother should not feel that way. He
was my pillar of strength. There was a moment I
did not think that he would say anything, but
finally he started to reply.
     "Tonight, fuck tonight, I thought I would
do something I never really pondered tonight. I
don't want to admit it, but you should know. I
think I was going to commit suicide tonight." He
looked like he was about to cry. I started to
say something but he continued before I had the
chance. "I felt weak and small. I can't get rid
of all of this guilt. I feel like I am not
helping the situation and making it worse. I
guess I am a fool."
     I put my arm around him. "Yeah you are, but
we all are sometimes. I know how you feel. I
feel it too still off and on. Dad's stroke is
neither of our faults, but we will carry it with
us for a long time. Guilt and pain do not go
away in a snap, but maybe together we can
eventually overcome it. Just promise me whenever
you feel low you call me. No matter what time it
is. You are my brother and I am here for you. I
will even break down and get one of those damn
cell phones finally."
     Patrick chuckled for a second. "Yeah I can
do that. I am sorry for worrying you. You are
the last person I wanted to do that too."
     "Don't worry about that. I will always
worry about you. As long as you talk though, it
will be fine. Consider that matter closed."
 "Thanks, bro. I have missed you." Patrick gave
                      me a
great bear hug.
 "Tell me you don't snore anymore. I don't know
                      if I
could take that tonight." I quipped at Patrick.
     "You worry about my snoring. If I am
sharing a bed with you, I worry about you
rolling around. I am still healing the bruises
from the last time two years ago." We both
laughed.
     Growing up so close in age, it never had
bothered us to share a bed together. It is
something that brothers had to do from time to
time. It had been two years since last time. I
used to hate it. Well I thought I hated it.
Still there was something secure in it. I felt
safe. Once again I felt like Patrick had my back
again. Things would get better. I knew it would.