Date: Thu, 21 Dec 2006 18:18:47 -0800 (PST)
From: John R Ohler <lightseeker19@yahoo.com>
Subject: Returning to Tate: Chapter 8

Here is a surprise for everyone, but another installment
this quick. Originally I was going to get a part of
another story that I do not post done, but a really nice
e-mail ended up encouraging me to get another chapter
done quickly. Consider this an early Christmas gift.
Hopefully everyone will enjoy. I doubt there will be
another one before Christmas, but who knows if you all
are good Anyway once again, all the characters in the
story are completely factictious and any resembalence in
purely coincidental, and scary This story is the
intellectual property of the author, so please don't
take a post this anywhere else. Thanks.

	       Returning To Tate: Chapter 8:
		      Starting Again

     I woke up to the low rumbling sound of
Patrick snoring beside me. He obviously still
snored as much as ever, some things never
change. While his snoring could be annoying, it
was not what woke me up. It was never that loud,
usually I just had to make sure I feel asleep
first. It could keep me awake, but once asleep I
was dead to it. No I was wakened by dreams. They
once again had come to me. They were the
haunting ones. It was not as bad as at Eric's,
but still bad enough to wake from my slumber.
The sun had not even risen in the sky. A look to
the alarm clock at my bedside told me that it
was ten after five in the morning.
    I laid there in bed for a few moments and
                    pondered
trying to get back to sleep. The problem was
that I knew that I was wide awake now. My brain
seemed to tell me that it did not want to go
back and revisit the dreams. It had been a
little more then four hours of sleep. Normally
that was far from enough for me, apparently
tonight that was going to be it. I might be able
to force myself to fall asleep with enough
patience, but it felt like a losing cause. My
thoughts only seemed to accelerate the more I
laid there. The more thinking I did, the more I
knew I couldn't return to sleep.
  Even in the darkness of the room I could see
                     Patrick
laying there beside me. He had wrapped his arms
around a pillow as if embracing it. Thankfully
he looked like he was sleeping well. Patrick
usually always did. Well, as long as I could
remember he did. I could not really say for the
last few years if sleep was still as easy for
him. That gave me a pang of guilt. I should know
that. I took solace that at least I knew tonight
he slept well. That was a start.
  After a few minutes I finally got out of bed.
                     Part of
me just wanted to lay there and keep an eye on
my brother. Right now I still felt very
protective of him. My body though was aching to
move around. Patrick was right, I always did
roll around when I slept, but sometimes I think
it was worse when I was up. Besides I wanted to
get out of this room and just think for a bit. I
needed to clear my head.
I quietly moved around the room and put my jeans
                       on.
Then I took one last look at Patrick and crept
out of the room. When I wanted to I could be
quiet as a mouse. The last four years had only
helped develop those skills to unprecedented
level for myself. During those years I did not
want to be noticed. I successfully achieved it
to some degree. People at Burke would often
mention how quiet I usually was. Any group I
hung out with knew me as the stoic one. I never
said a whole lot and people thought nothing ever
fazed me. They were right to some degree.
Thinking back, I knew that there was just
something dead inside me.
     As I left the room I was not sure where I
     was going to
go. Finally I settled on the back porch. That
seemed like the place where I would be least
likely to be disturbed or wake anyone else. The
morning was a little cool, but far from cold. It
was in the mid-sixties with a slight breeze.
Humidity seemed to have abandon Tate at least
for the morning. The sky was clear. Hundreds of
stars filled it, but to the east was an aura of
light that was slowly eating the sky up. It was
weird. I could not remember the last time that I
was up this hour and took notice of the sunrise.
There was something optimistic about it. Dawn of
a new day seemed to give me some hope. Maybe I
was becoming a bit of
an idealist. That was a frightful thought.
     Thankfully I could not remember much about
my dreams. These had at least the courtesy of
fading away the more I was awake. I remembered
enough that it had to do with a certain night
four years ago. It was a night that the events
of last night had reminded me of. The look in
Patrick's face had been much like my look had
been, I knew that without a doubt. The
difference was we had stopped him before he
tried something. I on the other hand had
actually made it to the point of the attempt. It
was scary to still think about even now. It had
been almost four years ago, but there was still
a lot of pain associated with that night. The
pain still felt raw.
 That night had been three days after I had left
                      home
and moved into the Cross's house. It had been
three days after my father had hit me and told
me to get the hell out. Before that point I had
felt like shit and was full of pain, but that
had been nothing compared to how I felt at the
point. Deep down, I had hoped that I could fix
things with my family. Eventually I figure, no I
knew that my Father had to forgive me. He would
realize that I was his son and that I was still
the same son. When I got kicked out I finally
came to the realization that it really was over.
The optimism I had had, however small it was,
really was truly gone. That part of me became
dead. It was like a part of my insides rotted
away. It had become like a cancer and it felt
like it was spreading relentlessly. No matter
what people said, I felt like I was dying
inside. I know that I made the situation worse
because I tried to act as if everything was
fine. It just added to the pressure and
accelerated everything. The fa‡ade was like
putting a lid on boiling water to try to contain
the steam. Thus three days after being at the
Cross's house, I snuck out at two in the
morning. I couldn't contain it anymore.
     There was no doubt what I was going to do.
I wanted it to end. I wanted to be at peace.
Pain and sorrow felt overwhelming. When I was
awake, I did not want to do anything but lay
there. Sleep would not come. My body only went
to sleep when it was too wary to keep going. On
that third night, I walked across town to Camden
Woods. The woods were bisected by a railroad
track. Figured I would just lay on the tracks
and let the train do all the work. It seemed
like the best way. I figured no one that I cared
for or loved would find me. I did no want that
at all.
     I had some luck, the best kind of luck in
being friends with Rick. Rick was a very
perceptive friend. He had kept a better eye on
me then I could imagine. When I left the house
that night, he was following me. I never
noticed. Rick was the master at sneaking out of
the house. If I might have suspected he could be
up, I might have been more perceptive, but he
had outsmarted me thank god. He knew that I was
up to something and figured it would show itself
soon.
     Even now I can remember that night as if it
was just yesterday. That night had been a clear
one too. The sky was full of stars. There was no
being sucked in by the wonders of them that
night. It had just felt like a peaceful night.
It had felt like it was the right night to go
out on. How stupid of a thought was that? When I
heard the train coming, I did not even look to
it. I just focused on the sky. There was a calm
of feeling ready for it. There was an inner
peace that all the pain, hurt, and pressure was
about to be swept away forever.
 Just a few seconds before the train would have
                      hit,
Rick ran out from seemingly no where and grabbed
me. He pulled me off the tracks and we both were
just missed by the train in a matter of seconds.
It was still weird to think
that my life almost was over in those few
seconds. Rick had yelled at me. We had both
cried that night. Thankfully he was there. I
knew back then I had felt selfish by my plan.
Still it was nothing compared to this.
     Seeing Patrick tonight and going through
those thoughts, I guess I never really knew how
painful that could be to others. Mentally I knew
it did hurt people, but it was a hundred fold
worse then I could imagine. There was no blame
on Patrick, but I felt horrible that I had put
Rick through this same thing, only worse, four
years ago. How it must have hurt for him, but he
never held a grudge on it. I had deserved him to
be angry, but the next day it had been like
nothing had happened.
     Finally I broke down and started to cry.
Four years and still I felt guilty about it.
Time didn't make it better. Tonight it had
proven that it had only gotten worse. I did not
deserve the people in my life that were here.
Thank god for Rick. If it was not for him, I
would not have been there for Patrick last
night. Once again I guess I could not sneak out
of the house without being noticed.
     "Hey man, everything ok?" Rick came up from
behind me. He scared the hell out of me. I
jumped a little out of the chair. That only made
me laugh at being surprised so easily which is a
weird mix of emotions, crying, shock, and
laughter. It was like my emotions didn't know
which way to go.
     "Bloody hell," I sat back in the chair and
wiped my eyes. "You scared the shit out of me.
What the hell are you doing up?"
"I couldn't fall asleep tonight," He sat down in
                       the
chair beside me. "There were a lot of things
that were running through my mind. You know how
it is. Everything ok? Are you crying because of
Patrick?"
     I looked at Rick for moment. There was a
quick thought that I should just lie about it
all. At Burke I had gotten used to never talking
about what was on my mind. Rick would have saw
through it in a blink of the eye, besides Rick
was one of those people I never wanted to lie
to. I needed to be honest to him. That was the
only way I could be honest with myself always.
Patrick and Rick, they had always kept the truth
running in me.
     "Yeah, I guess," I finally spoke after a
second. "I had a dream about the train tracks.
Tonight reminded me of that. I am so fucking
sorry for that."
     Rick gave me that smile that made me feel
like everything would be always ok. "Hey don't
worry about it. That is in the past. The
important thing is that you are still here. That
night always sort of haunted me too. What if I
had slipped trying to run to you? I don't know
if I ever told you, but I did not get there in
just the nick of time. I had been there for ten
minutes watching you. As soon as you left the
house I was on you ass. I knew that night was
the night you were going to try something. You
had been extra quiet and your mannerism were
that of a trapped animal. I just figured while
you laid on those tracks that maybe you would
come to you senses."
     "No, I didn't know that," I looked at him
with a mixture of surprise. I guess I should
have known that. It would not take a rocket
scientist to know that if he hadn't been right
behind me, then he never would have found me.
Camden Woods was not a common place for me to
go. That was one of the reasons I chose it.
People would not look there. It made me feel
even guiltier, if that was possible. "I was
fucking out of my mind that night. As I had laid
there, it just felt right. That just shows how
self absorbed I was. I should have known."
  I started to feel tears growing, but Rick put
                     his arm
around me. "Don't worry about that. Like I said
it is in the past. We all are self absorbed
sometimes. Tonight when you found Patrick you
were right, we all have those thoughts. We all
can only take so much. In just a matter of
months, you had more problems and pain then
anyone should ever have in a lifetime. Still
both Patrick and you need to remember that no
matter what there are people there for you."
     "Thanks," I looked up into his eyes and all
I could do was smile. "I don't know how you put
up with me and how you were always there? You
never will know how much it means."
     "Ah I do. Everyday that you are still
     around I know
that. I had the easy part. I just had to try to
hold your hand and keep you going. You are the
one that had to really keep going. Besides you
are my best friend and brother, what else could
I do?" He put his left arm around my neck and
pulled me into an embrace. "You would have done
the same thing. I know that."
     After a few seconds we pulled out of the
embrace. "Fuck, when was the last time we were
up this late talking?" I shifted the subject.
That was enough of all this deep emotional shit
for one morning.
     "Yeah that would be the first Christmas you
went off to Burke when you came back. It was New
Years. We went out to that party, but you could
not deal with all of the people so we left
early. In the end we sat around here and just
chilled until the sun came up. Then crashed til
like five in the evening."
     "God, I am sorry about that. I remember you
were trying to make time with Christine
Waterstone. You had wanted to date her since
high school when she was captain of the
cheerleading squad.  You should not have been
babysitting me."
 "No it was a better time then I would have had
                     at the
party. Christine came out last year as a lesbian
to her parents I guess. She is dating some butch
girl in Connecticut I think. Besides I was happy
to have you home. I would rather spend time with
you then a one night stand.well at least as long
as I was still getting some one night stands
once in awhile. I mean I am human."
 "Jeez, such the whore," I tried to be accusing
                       but
ultimately failed in a fit of laughter.
   "Hey I am a commodity. I can't let women go
                    without a
little bit if of the Rick. That would be
inhuman.a crime against humanity. I mean you
would not want me charged in the Hague?"
 "I guess not," we both busted out laughing. "So
                      what
girl are you working on getting into bed now?
Some sort of sorority girl. I remember last year
you had a goal of one from each of the sorority
houses."
     Rick got quiet for a minute. He sort of
seemed a little nervous, but he also had a
really stupid grin on his face that he kept
trying to hide. His cheeks also blushed, which
almost never happened to Rick. That look told me
everything. I think I just saw a sign of the
apocalypse, Rick was in love!
     "Wait a second? Don't tell me that you are
actually dating someone seriously?" He started
to deny it, but I just continued. "You are. Oh
my god, this is a miracle! Someone call the
newspaper!"
     After another fit of laughter Rick finally
came clean. "Yeah, so sue me, I am. Just don't
tell Mom. She would be way too satisfied with
this news. I am dating Lisa Tilton, you
remember."
     "You are dating Lisa?" I interrupted. "Wow
she is awesome. How in hell did you land her? I
thought she had
more sense."
     "Thanks for the confidence, bud." He
punched me in the shoulder. "We were in class
together and something just clicked. She is
amazing. I am not sure how I got her, but I am
not complaining."
 I smiled at him. "That rocks. I am so proud of
                     you. I
always suspected that a nice girl would finally
domesticate you."
     "Fuck you, that's what Mom always has said.
Lisa wants to meet her. I am not sure how to do
that."
     "Ah just do it. You Mom will love her."
     "Yeah she would and she also will never let
me live it down. I mean yeah it would be in a
good way, but next thing you know she will
expect me to focus in school. It will be a never
ending cycle until I am married with kids, a
good job, and a happy life! It would be all
madness!"
     "I can see how horrible that would be," I
almost rolled out of my chair laughing. "Damn, I
wish I had your problems. Just be happy."
     "Don't worry about that, I am. I'm glad I
finally got to tell you. I needed to share it
with someone and well I knew I would be made fun
of about it from everyone. At least with you, I
knew I could give back as much as you give me.
Besides it makes it feel more real to tell you."
     I paused for a minute and then I know I had
the biggest smile. "I just realized something.
She had to tried to date me in Middle School. It
is like you are dating my scraps. Wow who would
have thought that? You always said it was the
other way around."
     "Screw you," He laughed. "You never
actually went on a date, so she doesn't count.
Also I think there is a rule somewhere that says
that any date with a girl for you would not
count, on account of them not being guys. Now if
you dated a guy and then I tried dating him,
well lets not even think about that. That is one
rule that is safe from being broken."
     We both laughed about that. It was good to
hear Rick's escapades again. There was something
comforting about it. I used to say it was
because some things never changed. Now I could
not ever say that again. Rick chasing every new
girl was the one pillar I expected never to
change. He had. Still it was a great change. His
happiness was plain and I was overjoyed for him.
The stars had vanished as he spoke about her. It
made me think on how much light Lisa brought to
him and chased the other lights of his old girls
he used to date away. It was a nice metaphor to
think about.
    "So are you seeing anyone," Rick finally
                  switched the
conversation after going on about Lisa for
thirty minutes. "I mean a hot stud like you must
have found a guy at Burke?"
     It was my turn to give a stupid grin. "No I
     did not
find anyone at Burke to date." I said as
straight as I could.
     "You lie, I can see it!"
     "No, no I am not, but yes there is someone
I guess I am interested in. He actually is
here."
  "Here?" Rick looked perplexed. "You have not
                      been
coming in town without letting us know?"
     "No, not that, when I got to town two days
ago I ran into him in the hospital. He was
staying at the hospital. He saw me in the hall
and we started talking. He seems like a good guy
too."
     "Fucking A, it is about time!" His
excitement made me feel a little more
uncomfortable and excited all at once. I really
had come to the opinion that was a part of my
life that I would always keep the door closed
too. Now though I feel like just throwing it
open and going for broke.
     "Nothing is going on. We are friends. He
has been through a rough time. Eric is in his
senior year at good old Tate High and it has
made my last two years look like I was the most
popular guy in the school."
     "Is it really that bad?" Rick looked at me
concerned. I could see a little bit of anger
behind that look too. My experience had made him
be damn near a zealot in fighting bigotry. He
had fought many fights in high school defending
me. Almost all I never heard about until after
it happened. That way I could not talk him out
of it.
     "It is worse then bad. According to Mr.
                  Culpepper, he
had the shit beaten out of him because he was
gay. They almost killed him. Seeing him in the
hospital, I know that was the truth."
     "Jesus," Rick muttered under his breath.
"They at least arrested the bastards didn't
they?"
     "Nope, from my understanding no charges
were ever filed. I think Eric was too scared to
come forward. I can't say I blame him. This town
has not been all that open armed to gays. If it
happened to me, I don't think I could have done
anything different."
     "Well that shouldn't change any chance for
you and him. It just means that he may need you
more."
     Rick was always one to be reassuring. "Yeah
maybe, I don't know. I guess that I am just
afraid that I'm still to broken for him. It has
been four years, and all I have done has been
running away from my problems. Can I help him
with his when I can't deal with my own? I just
don't know."
     "Ah you can, just be confident. You know
while you may have always had your problems, I
don't think you have ever let anyone down that
cared for you." I started to say something, but
Rick beat me before I could get a word out of my
mouth. "Don't even say your Father either. If
someone can't love you for being who you are,
well then there is nothing you can do. You did
not let him down, he let you down. Besides,
seeing you right now, I can tell that you have
done better then you are giving yourself credit
for."
     "I know, I really do but it just does not
     feel like
that sometimes. Still I have not always been
successful. Thanks though for the vote of
confidence. I guess we will see. I am not going
to expect more to happen, but I guess I'm
leaving the option open. That is something
right?"
  "It is, it really is. I know it. That is the
                      first
step. That is the way it starts.then of course
you get to meet the in-laws."
     "Oh don't say that. I actually met his Mom
earlier tonight and I'm having dinner at his
house on Sunday with them," I know that I looked
totally pathetic, Rick just laughed.
     "Wow, you do move quickly. I didn't meet
Lisa's Mom for like two weeks after we started
dating!"
    We sat out there on the porch until eight
                   talking. We
had lost all notice of time going by. It all
seemed like old times again. Well better then
that. The only reason our spell of talking was
broken was that of Mrs. Cross coming out asking
what was going on. She gave us the mock look
that said she thought mischief was afoot. She
knew that we had obviously been sitting out here
for awhile talking. There also was a look at
pride when she looked at us. She then dragged us
inside to help with breakfast. It was a hell of
a good way to start the day. I felt like I was
home.

     At ten o'clock, my Mother called over and
asked when I was bringing Patrick home. She was
worried and she wanted to go to the hospital.
She said that she was not comfortable leaving
until he was home. Thankfully Patrick had woken
up
at nine from the smell of a home cooked
breakfast. I told her that we would be there
around eleven. I figured that would give Patrick
enough time to get ready, plus I needed to
figure out what I was going to say. The hope was
that I could avoid an argument, but just the
same I was preparing myself to face one.
     Ten minutes until eleven we started walking
down to our house, well I guess Patrick's house.
It had not been mine for a long time. It was
then that I realized that this was the first
time in almost four years that I was about to be
back to it. Until that moment, I had not thought
about that. I had not prepared for that. My
stomach felt like it was clenching up at just
the thought of seeing it again. I could not even
drive by the house without feeling the mild
strings of a panic attack. When I was in high
school the last two years, I had taken the long
way around to school as often as I could to
avoid it. Now though I was walking up to it.
Even worse I was going to be going into it. It
just felt wrong. I felt wrong.
     As we walked Patrick did not say anything.
I am not sure if it is because he could sense
that I did not want to talk or that he also was
lost in thought. I suspected it was a mixture of
both. I could feel his dread just as I felt
mine. Patrick had to feel the same way at the
moment with what had happened yesterday. We both
just realized that this was one time that being
quiet was the better way. Part of me wondered
that if the other was not there, would either of
us still be walking there or running the
opposite way? I suspected that latter was true.
By ourselves, we were weak, but together we were
strong.
     The house had not changed much over the
last four years. Actually it looked exactly the
same. It was a modest two story red brick
building with a two car garage attached to it.
Each of the windows had dark green shutters that
were only ornamental. The house looked in
perfect condition as was normal. The lawn was
cut immaculately and was a bright shade of
healthy green that was cut in a checkerboard
pattern. It was something that my Father took
pride in, just like the bushes were perfectly
cut. It was part of the package of the fa‡ade of
being the all American family. Along the front
of the house was a row of bushes that looked
perfectly square. So square they seemed
stackable. Over the garage was the basketball
hoop that my Father had put up when I was only
five. All sports were as good as the others as
long as we were good at them. As we got to the
front door, even the mat that said welcome was
still there, but I did not feel welcome.
     I stopped at the door. I was not sure what
to do. Should I push the doorbell or just walk
in. I hadn't thought about that until I actually
arrived here. My pondering was mercifully broken
as Patrick just walked by and opened the door.
He held the door open waiting for me to walk in.
That first step felt like the hardest step I may
have taken since I took my first step in life.
My foot felt like is weighed a thousand pounds.
It felt like a force of will to move it, but
once it moved once, the other one followed with
no more issues. The act of the first step had
completed my resolve. There was no turning back
now.
     At first the inside of the house seemed
like the exact same place as I left it. The
floors were hardwood and the house looked like a
clean room with as detailed my Mom had always
been with the housework. There was not dirt or
dust that could hid from her.  The walls in the
entry way and the hallway that lead into the
house was a light brown wood that matched the
floors well. The bronze coat rack was in it
normal place even with my Dad's coat on it. It
was just like
four years ago. Not everything was the same and
that was the blow that really hurt. The pictures
were different.
     The hallway that leads to the living room
and the kitchen area was always covered in
pictures. My Mom always said she wanted her
family to always welcome every guest that came
to the house, even when they were not here.
Every year the new school picture went up and of
course there was the plethora of sports
pictures. What was different was that I was
gone. Every picture they had put up of me was no
longer up. Instead there were more pictures of
Patrick in their place and even some more of
Elaine and her husband, Charlie. Even in
pictures he looked uncomfortable standing beside
her. I guess it should not have surprised me,
but it is something I never thought about. I
guess I really wasn't part of the family. For
the first time, this place felt dead to me. The
urge to get the hell out was strong, but I
needed to be there for Patrick. There was no
breaking the resolve.
     My thoughts were broken by my Mom rushing
     into the
hallway. She grabbed Patrick and held him tight.
Patrick looked uncomfortable in her embraced. At
that moment I did sort of envy Patrick. I really
wanted to be in that embrace.
     My Mom looked worse then when I saw her at
     the
hospital. She was wearing a nice floral dress
that was full of bright colors and she had
makeup on that helped bring out the beauty she
had. Still it was all a cover. I could see
through it easy. I don't think even Tammy Faye
Baker makeup could have hid the bags under her
eyes. The eyes themselves looked drawn and
tired. It was obvious that she was not sleeping
well. I was not surprised. She always said that
since the day she was married, she had never
slept apart from my father. It would be hard to
be in that bed by herself. She looked like she
had not been eating real well either. For a
moment the urge was to get her in the kitchen
and look at her, I mean she was my Mom, no
matter what happen. She did not give a chance to
go with those urges though.
     "Patrick, thank god you are home," She wept
a little. "I was so worried about you. I knew
that once you were here everything would be
better. I knew that you were better then your
brother and you would come back home. Thank
god."
     "Mom, I am here because of Justin," Patrick
pulled back and said before I had a chance to
say anything. "I wasn't going to come back
here."
     "Don't say that. You are just confused. I
know that things the last few days have been
stressful, but it will get better trust me. You
have to be strong for you Father. Everything
will be fine though."
     "A few days, no they have been stressful
for over four years now."
     "Well I admit since Justin made his
     decision it." "Bullshit it is not a
     decision, he is gay," Patrick
started to yell. I guess he was holding in more
then I thought. "Dad was wrong! He is the cause
of this. He is the one that broke this family."
     "Don't say that. He loves you. You have
always been a good son and him a good father,"
My Mom pleaded as she began to cry.
     Patrick started to say something, but I
intervene. "That is enough Patrick," I said
rather sternly. I had not expected to be the
calm one. "This is not doing any good. Bringing
up the past at this moment helps nothing."
     "Yes, listen to Justin. Just come back
home and stay, Patrick."
     "Mom, it is not that easy either," she was
taken aback by my comment. "There is some
things that have to change. First of all,
Elaine cannot be around Patrick all the time
right now."
     "She is his sister."
     "Fuck her," Patrick yelled.
     "Enough," I gave Patrick a look that calmed
him and made him feel a little ashamed of the
outburst. It seems that once he opened his anger
up it was not as easy to contain again. "She
maybe our sister, but she has only added to the
stress. You know it is true. That is one of the
reasons that growing up that you never had her
take care of us. If Patrick is to stay home then
he needs to feel comfortable."
     She looked at me for a moment and back to
Patrick. I could see the fear in her eyes. She
was afraid that she was about to lose her last
son. "Ok, I will talk to her. Patrick can't
avoid her all the time, but I guess no more time
alone."
     "Well that is a start. Also if Patrick
feels up too it, he needs to be allowed to go to
the hospital. He has a right to see his Father."
     "He doesn't need that stress and worries.
He should not see him while he is weak, when he
is better then yes."
     "No, Patrick is an adult. He is about to
graduate high school. He will know when he feels
up for it. Plus we both know that Father is not
getting better."
     "Don't say that," She almost snarled. "He
will get better. How can you say that? You don't
deserve to use the word Father for those
thoughts and being such a horrible son."
     Patrick started to say something, but I
kept control of the conversation. If she was
going to be mad, I had decided it should be on
me. It always was anyway. It would be better for
Patrick.
     "No, I can see it with my own eyes," I kept
my voice steady and calm. "You are right he is
not my father. I can accept that. He is
Patrick's though. He has the right to see him.
You may want to keep him safe by keeping him
away, but all it is doing is isolating him and
pushing him away."
  My Mom seemed to take a few deep breaths and
                     finally
responded. "Ok, I will agree to that too. Are
there any more.terms," she spit out the last
word.
 "No, I think that will be fine. Don't lose this
                      son."
     She was about to say something, but Patrick
interrupted. "I have a term. Justin is allowed
here whenever he wants. He is part of the
family. He is my brother and should be welcomed
here."
     "Patrick no," I started to say.
"It is not right," My Mom interrupted. "You know
                      your
Father does not want him here."
     "Well he is not here now. I need him and he
needs me." Patrick could be forceful when he
wanted to. He had our Father's ability of being
stubborn.
     "Don't worry, it's ok," I said. I felt
touched, but there were limits I had accepted
long ago and that was on of them. "I am fine."
     "No, it is not. He is able to come and go
as he wants, otherwise I am gone. If you won't
let me go stay with the Cross's I will find
somewhere else. This is non negotiable."
     Patrick stared at my mother. His
     determination was
fierce. Mom and I both realized that he was not
lying. He would follow through with his threat.
That much was true. Finally she relented.
"Fine.but only until your Father is better. Once
he comes home it goes back to normal."
     "Agreed," Patrick replied. I could tell
     that he knew
that would never happen. He had accepted like I
have that Dad was going to die in that hospital.
 Mom started to pull Patrick into the kitchen to
                      feed
him. I could see Patrick wanted me to stay, but
I could not stay. The coldness from my mother
was hard. I told Patrick I would talk to him
later. Mom of course said nothing too me. She
just sort of glared at me. I was not sure if she
blamed me for Patrick's outburst or not, but I
could tell that I was the best target at the
moment for her anger.
     Once out of the house, I sprinted back to
the Cross's, no I sprinted home. I could not be
around that house any longer. Today felt to damn
stressful, and it wasn't even noon yet. Still I
felt proud of my brother and there was something
about being at my old home again.

     Eric sat in his bedroom bored. His Mother
had just checked in on him for like the
billionth time this morning. She was more
nervous then she was before she went to work
yesterday. He knew that his leaving last night
had only put her in hyper Mothering mode. Eric
hated it, but he also knew that she needed it.
It was part of her mechanism not to breakdown
about the beating. He knew his father and her
both felt guilty because they had moved him
here. Eric did not blame them. He just wanted
things to be back to normal at home.
  He felt even more appreciative of his Mother.
                     She had
been true to her word and issued no punishment.
Of course maybe all the extra attention was
punishment. The embarrassment was bad, but in a
way he was happy that she had caught them in the
driveway. She seemed pleased with Justin and
comfortable with him being around. That was
important to Eric. He also had to admit that he
was excited that Justin would be over tomorrow
for dinner. If it had been anyone else but his
Mother, he felt sure that Justin would have
declined, but his Mom was not accustomed to
people declining things. She was a professor
through and through.
     More then anything this morning Eric really
wanted to call Justin. Three times this morning
he had reached for the phone, but he felt a
little afraid to call him. He kept using the
excuse that it was too early. Justin probably
was a late riser and after last night he felt
sure that even if he wasn't he would be today.
Eric normally would have been too, but there was
too much excitement to sleep. Last night he
could not sleep at all. All he could do was
think about Justin. Eric knew deep down that he
could trust him. Justin was going to be the
silver lining of coming to Tate. He had to be.
     That feeling made him more hesitant to
call. He did not want to be too pushy or
smothering. Patience was what he kept saying.
Worst case scenario he saw him tomorrow. Still
patience was not something he was good at. The
proof of that was when he was eleven and figured
out how to unwrap Christmas gifts to see what
they were while they sat under the tree. That
year he knew everything he was going to get for
Christmas two weeks before the day of
unwrapping. This was different though. He felt
he had no choice. Now time seem to tick ever so
slow.
  Eric was about to reach for the phone for the
                      fifth
time when his Mom poked her head in the room.
"Eric, you have visitors."
     Eric sat up excited expecting to see
Justin. The disappointment must have shown
clearly when Rebecca and Sandra walked in. "It
is good to see you too." Rebecca sarcastically
said.
     Rebecca and Sandra had been his only two
friends at Tate High. Rebecca was a girl that
was a little overweight. She was not really fat,
but all her life the kids at school had given
her a hard time. The last couple of years she
had
actually lost some weight. She had long curly
red hair that seemed to gleam in the light. She
had light brown eyes that would dazzle when she
smiled. If it had not been for all the teasing
growing up she probably would have a boyfriend.
The teasing though had created a social stigma
for her in school. She might have broken that,
but she just closed off that aspect of her life.
She focused on approval of her teachers and
adults. The kind soul she was even spent several
hours a week donating time at the retirement
home keeping the elderly company. When people
started picking on Eric, she had rushed to his
side.
     Sandra had come along with Rebecca. They
had been neighbors all of their lives. Close
friends to the bitter end. She had gone through
many phases in life. Right now she was coming
out of a Goth phase. She had short black hair
with a bleached white streak that fell along her
lift side of her face. She was rather short,
five foot four or something like that. In
comparison to Rebecca she looked like she never
ate. Kids had made jokes that Rebecca would
steal all of Sandra's food. If Eric didn't know
Sandra, he would have suspected that she did
have an eating disorder, she was that thin.
Unlike Rebecca, she had dated a few guys, but
last year before the Goth phase, there was a
sort of a phase where she did like three
different guys in a short period. She had just
wanted to be accepted by more popular guys in
school, instead they had labeled her as slut.
Everyone in the school had started talking about
her. That was what led to the Goth phase.
     They both were great friends. Eric would
joke that they were the misery trio. Rebecca
would correct him and say that she was happy,
but Sandra and Eric both knew that was only a
cover. She was just as miserable as they were.
Her fa‡ade was far better. She could look happy,
but spending real time with her, you could see
the sadness always around the edges. Still, they
had been good to be around. They gave each other
strength. It made school feel a little less full
of misery. Together they could sometimes even
forget about it altogether.
 "So how are you doing," Sandra said as she sat
                     on the
bed. "You are at least looking better."
     "Yeah, you are looking a lot better,"
Rebecca added. "I am glad you got out of the
hospital, it gave me the creeps. There never
seems to be anything good there."
      "I am sorry for the disappointed look,"
Eric smiled. "I am glad to see you. I was just
hoping it was someone else. Sometimes you do
find something good at the hospital."
     "Did you find yourself a doctor there,"
     Rebecca
playfully jabbed. "I knew they were all gay
there. All the good ones are."
     "Yes dear Eric, please tell us more,"
Sandra pulled him between Rebecca and her. It
was like being corner by to interrogators.
Escape would have been useless. Honestly though,
Eric wanted to talk about it. He had always been
able to talk about his past boyfriends to them,
but never a current one, well current hopeful.
 "Well, he's not a doctor, I mean, eww, he would
                      be so
damn old if he was." I gave a sour look.
     "No he could be like one of those genius
ones, you know like Doogie Howser," Rebecca
sighed. "Oh how I loved him when I was like
seven. He was so dreamy. Even older he is still
cute."
     "You know he is gay right," Sandra broke
Rebecca's not so innocent thoughts.
     "Damn, all the good one are. Are you sure
though, that could be just gossip."
 "Oh he is," Eric laughed. "Even before he came
                     out he
rang out a nine on my gaydar."
     "Anyway, tell us about this guy you got,"
Sandra refocused to conversation. "We want to
hear everything about him."
     "Well we are not exactly going out," Eric
replied a little shyly. "I hope so and there is
definitely potential. He is the only other gay I
have met in this god forsaken town. More then
that though, he is funny and smart and so damn
cute. Oh you both would die at his looks."
 "Well, Sandra, I do believe our little Eric is
smitten."
     "Yes it appears," Sandra did a mock sniff.
"They seem to grow up so fast. You take care of
them and hope they will grow up to go to college
and find themselves a good husband. Instead they
just find the first man they see and jump their
bones."
That brought laughter from everyone in the room.
                      Eric
even blushed a little bit. Still it did not take
much prodding for him to talk about everything.
He went through all the hospital visits and him
coming over yesterday. He didn't leave anything
out for them. He told them about Justin running
out and the drive in the car. Both girls were
excited for him. They had not seen him this
excited since the whole time that they knew him.
He had a glow that they had never seen. It was
infectious.
     "I am sure it will work out for you,"
Rebecca confidently said. "He may have issues,
but everyone does. Besides, he would be a fool
to pass up a chance with you. You are the
sweetest guy in school, straight or gay."
 "I think so," Eric nodded. When he had been in
                       the
east, he always had such strong confidence. It
was the first time in a long time that he felt
it again. "I don't think it will come easy, but
anything worth having never is. Justin just
needs a little help I think, and I am good at
that."
     "So when do we get to meet him," Rebecca
     asked
mischievously. "We need to give the ok for you
     to date him." "Yes we need to meet him,"
     Sandra jumped in. "I mean we
just can't let our little Eric go out with
anyone. We have to make sure that he is good
enough for you and that he only has honorable
intentions to you. We don't want you knocked up
by a one night stand."
     Both girls laughed again. This was far
better then either of them could imagine. They
had come over expecting to check up on Eric and
work to make him in a better mood. After the
attack, they thought for sure that while he may
act like everything was ok that he would be a
wreck underneath. It looked like that was far
from the case. He seemed like he was better then
ever. Being the misery trio, they all were
brought up when one had something go well. They
all felt like they were walking on air.

 The afternoon seemed to move by rather quickly
                     for me
after I left the place I used to call home. When
I got back home, Mrs. Cross was about to go out
shopping. That was something she did every
Saturday. She loved to go out and try to find
the deal. She asked if I wanted to go out with
her and that we could get lunch. I almost took
her up on the offer but I figured I would try to
take a nap. It was not like I was feeling tired,
but I did not want to just run out of energy in
case I needed it. There was something nagging
that I felt I needed to do, but I could not
figure it out. Whatever it was I figured I would
need energy for it. As per normal she was
understanding and told me that Rick already had
crashed. She would not expect him to get up
before dinner.
 After she left the house, I laid down, but not
surprisingly sleep did not come. I just was too
wired. After twenty minutes of lying in my bed I
finally got up and started to call Justin.
Before I completed dialing, I sat the phone
down. The urge was strong to talk to him, but I
did not want to seem too excited. I did not want
to scare him off, besides I was not sure what to
say. These feelings were still something new to
me.
     Thankfully I did not have to wait all
afternoon to talk to him. Around three he called
me. His voice brought back that stupid grin. We
talked for about thirty minutes. None of it was
about anything important, except that I would
meet him at his house tomorrow at around noon.
He said I would need a few hours of preparation
to get comfortable before spending a meal with
his parents. He did not want me to be
traumatized by the experience. Besides he still
owed me more of an ass whooping in Halo. I was
nervous but also so damn excited at the thought
of going over there tomorrow. I came close to
asking if he wanted to do anything tonight, but
I talked myself out of it. Patience that was
what I needed. It was supposed to make
everything better if you wait for it right? The
longer the wait, the sweeter the reward as the
saying goes.
  I finally got off the phone when I heard Mrs.
                      Cross
come through the door. I figured that she would
need help carrying stuff in the house. Besides I
did not really want to be caught on the phone
talking to Eric. It was not that I was
embarrassed of him, just the stupid grin I had
when I talked to him. Knowing myself, I
suspected if someone looked at me at that point,
it would only get worse.
     Mrs. Cross did not make me a liar either.
She had a car full of stuff. Shopping was one of
her addictions. She always said she was thankful
that she made enough that it did not hurt
anything. When she got stuff she always was so
excited about sharing what she got with anyone
that would listen. The part she liked to really
share was if she got any really good deal. That
was the part of the shopping game that she
loved.
     I expected her to share what she got, but I
was dumbfounded by a lot of it. Most of the
stuff was not for her, but me. She said that
since I was wearing Rick's stuff that must mean
I needed some new clothes in my wardrobe. I
tried to deny it, but she knew that I did not
spend much to update my wardrobe. All my clothes
pretty much were the same that I had in high
school or what she sent me for my birthday or
Christmas. There was no saying no to her. She
knew my size to a tee. Her fashion sense too was
ever good. They were not as trendy as Rick would
normally wear, but they were far more in style
then my normal clothes. On top of that, she got
me something that blew my mind away. She had
went out and got me a cellular phone. I tried to
get her to take it back by telling her that I
was going to get my own, but she would not hear
it. It would be cheaper for me to be on the
family plan with them. It was as good a bargain
as she could find today. Even though I fought it
a little bit, I had to admit I liked the sound
of being on a family plan.
     By five Rick still had not gotten up. I was
not surprise. I knew that Mrs. Cross would start
supper soon, but I felt I needed to go
somewhere. I finally came to the realization of
what I had to do. I let Mrs. Cross know that I
was going out, but I would be back soon. She did
not question me. She trusted me.
     Fifteen minutes later I was back in the
hospital parking lot. I was not sure why I was
here again, it just felt right. There was a
worry when I got there that I would be imbrued
in another fight, but luck was with me. A nurse
said that my Mother had left with my sister for
dinner. I figured I had a little time and that
was all I was asking for.
     As I walked into my Father's room, things
had not changed. He was still hooked up to all
of the machines and looked like he was dead for
all intent and purposes. The only noises were
that of the breathing machine. There were some
flowers from his work and apparently from my
Sisters church. I could see some personal effect
that Mom had brought here. There was a picture
of Patrick and them beside the bed. There was a
bible and a cross also sitting on the table that
was evidence that my sister was coming and
going. I was sure that she was doing a lot of
reading to him. If my Father was awake he would
have hated that. Never a religious man he was.
     "Hey Dad how goes it," I said as I took the
chair beside the bed. "I know if you were awake
you would hate me visiting, but I guess I feel
like I need to do it."
   I stared at him and remembered all the good
                    times. I
wanted to cry, but I held it in. "I was at the
house today. To be honest I never expected to do
that again. The lawn looks as good as always. I
am sure the neighbors still hate you for that."
It was harder to talk this afternoon then it was
                       two
nights ago. Then I had been empowered with my
passion, now though I felt like I was just
visiting.  It was awkward. I didn't know what I
was doing it. I guess it is part of being the
dutiful son, or maybe no matter how much I acted
like it didn't matter, it did. He was my father
for better or worse. At least in the end I could
try to make peace, even if he never did with me.
     "I know that you are not proud of me. I
don't know why that should matter to me, but it
still does. Maybe it is because you did not
really know me or tried to know me. Maybe
because you are just an old bigoted bastard you
don't. You know if you had tried to understand,
I think that maybe you would have been
surprised. You thought me weak, but you know I
think I was stronger then you ever imagined.
Some of that I took from you. I owe you that
much."
     "I have made mistakes in life, but I have
tried to own up to them. When did you do that?
Just look at what you have done to Patrick. He
deserved to have a happy four years of high
school, but instead it has been miserable. You
hit him. What kind of Father does that? Did you
ever feel sorry for doing that? Did you ever
give it a second thought or did you just black
it out like you did me?"
 I sat back in the chair and just looked at the
                      man I
once loved and feared. It was weird to see him
in such a condition. I pitied him. He would have
hated me to feel sorry for him. Some would say
that he deserved what he was getting. No matter
what he had done though, I could not feel like
that. No one deserved that. I knew that my Mom
had spent numerous hours here keeping him
company. I had to give her respect for that.
That was something I do not think I could do. Of
course she loved him with everything. He was her
world. He had ceased being my world when I left
home. False, he still was, but instead of being
my light, he was my devil. Looking at him now, I
it made me want to forget about all the things
he had done. In the end I just wanted to think
of him as my father.
     "I know that you are not going to get back
up again, but there is a part of me that wishes
you would, even if you would tell me how much of
a crappy person I am. These last few days
everything in my world has been shaken. A lot of
it has been for the good. Even though you would
not like that, I guess I would like you to see
that I am becoming happy.
Maybe then you would realize what you have
missed. If not that, then at least I would have
the satisfaction of knowing that I beat you and
you knew. You lying there though make it a
hollow victory."
     "Anyway, I guess I am here for you. I won't
abandon you the way you did me. I did learn some
things. I learned I was better then you. I am
here until the end." I sat back in the chair.
The running really was over.