Date: Mon, 14 Feb 2011 23:16:01 EST
From: Aragon76@aol.com
Subject: Steve And Mike - Chapter 9

If your not 18 you shouldn't be reading this come back when you're old
enough. This story contains sex between two males without the use of condoms. I
 strongly urge any male out there having sex with anyone to use condoms.
Being  safe is the only way to play and live a healthy life without the fear
of std's.  Be smart. Be safe. If you enjoy this story let me know I am
enjoying writing  this and might continue with some more of this story and what
happens between  Mike and Steve. All rights belong to the author. Contact me
at _Aragon76@aol.com_ (mailto:Aragon76@aol.com)  with comments thoughts and
 suggestions you might have. Enjoy if nothing else! Thanks in advance to
any and  all replies they mean a lot to me and my writing ideas.

 I was getting back to the routine of work. The first week was the  worst I
was tired as hell and my ass was dragging by the end of each day. My  boss
was ecstatic to see me walk through the doors that first day back but kept
making me take a break about every hour and a half. After the third one I
started to protest but to no avail. However, come the end of that first day I
 was glad to sit in my car and drive home. I felt my eyes get drowsy twice
on the  way there and I was more than glad to pull into the driveway and
walk up the  stairs into the house and down the hallway to my bedroom. I laid
down on the bed  and fell asleep for two hours. My mother finally woke me up
to make sure I had  dinner. She grilled me the entire time I ate about how
my day had gone and  thought maybe I should only work a half day the next day
considering how tired I  was today. I assured her I'd think about it. And I
did for about ten seconds  after I was done talking to her that night.

 But the days got better and I was not as tired at the end of the day  and
by the end of the third week I no longer needed a nap when I got home from
work. No one talked about Steve no one asked how he was or if I had seen
him. I  wondered everyday how much they knew if they knew we weren't together
anymore. I  just assumed they did know. And the more no one talked about him
the more I  thought about him. I had decided that if anyone had to make a
move it was him.  He's the one that screwed it up for us it was him that had
to make things right.  Everyday that went by another piece of my heart was
letting go. I was beginning  to wonder how many pieces I had left to lose?

 Our Friday lunches were always our busiest of the week from about  eleven
to one it's a nonstop barrage of people coming in and out, there's orders
flying over the counters, tables being sat in, served, emptied and cleaned
and  the process starts all over again. It finally came to the point of being
able to  take a breath and sit for two minutes. I walked into our office to
put the cash  and receipts from lunch into the safe. With that done I
turned to take a seat  and on the desk sat two dozen long stem yellow roses. They
were tied together  with a white ribbon, held together by a card. I took a
deep breath and slowly  exhaled I had to pull myself together before I
opened it to read the card. I had  to smile in spite of myself I had just done
exactly what he would have told me  to. I slowly broke the seal and lifted out
the card why was I having such a hard  time getting myself to turn it over?
I flipped it over and put it down on the  desk and finally was able to look
down. At least I was able to read the card.  Love You Still - Steve. I
forced myself not to cry and I didn't, but it took a  lot of my will power not
to. I got up and put the card in my pocket and as I  walked out of the office
I had a smile on my face the last time it was like this  he was in my life,
at least I know he still loved me and today a piece of my  heart wasn't
missing.

 I wondered the rest of the day when and how they got there. I hadn't  seen
him and I'd have known him if I had seen him. He wasn't there but someone
put them in the office he had to have had someone help him. I didn't know
how to  start asking or who. And even if it were someone that worked here
would they  tell me if I asked them. I wasn't sure how to handle this. And I
had to ask  myself should I wait for him to call me now or wait for some other
sign from  him? I thought I'd put the roses out on our front counter where
they could be  seen if he was looking or watching to see what I did with
them he'd know that I  didn't toss them in the trash. All I could do after
that was watch out of the  corner of my eye and wait. I had to stick to my guns
and wait for him to contact  me. My heart was beating a little bit faster
wondering how long I'd have to  wait. The rest of the day I spent looking out
the front of the restaurant,  scanning the people walking back and forth
along the walkway. I never saw anyone  or anything that made me look twice.
Every one asked where the roses came from I  just told them I wasn't sure I
didn't see a card when I found them, I wasn't  even sure if they were for me,
but everyone just smiled at me and didn't say  anything I don't think they
believed me. I was just putting them out for  everyone to enjoy so they
wouldn't go to waste. My second piece of information  came when I left work
there was a card held down by the windshield wiper. I took  it and sat down in
the car. I wasn't sure if I was being watched or not so I  decided not to
open it there instead I drove off out of the parking lot and made  it all the
way home before I ripped open the envelope and removed the card from
inside. It was all white and on the front near the bottom there was a picture of
a frame and in it was photograph of a single rose done in black and white
and  kind of sitting at an angle and casting a long shadow. I opened it to see
what  the inside had to say there was nothing it was blank except for the
handwriting  it was Steve's. Just like the roses I took a deep breath and
exhaled slowly at  least I wasn't shaking while I read it. Mike - I see you got
the roses I was  happy to see you didn't throw them out. I still love you
and want to see you. I  hope you'll see me. If so leave this card on your
dashboard tomorrow while  you're at work. If you leave the card there I'll
know to meet you at Ron's  Place. I'll be there at six o'clock if you don't
show I'll understand. It  doesn't mean I'll give up.   I Love You - Steve.

 My stomach was turning by the time I finished reading it, but the  smile
on my face was a little bit bigger and another piece of my heart was back  in
place where it belonged. I was going to be on my guard tomorrow the minute
I  walked into Ron's Place.

 Work took forever to end and more than once I had to fix mistakes  with
orders I had screwed up. Three of my coworkers asked me if I was okay more
than once. I found my heart in my stomach more than once. More than a few
times  I was taking a deep breath and slowly exhaling. But my day finally ended
and I  was on my way to Ron's. I sat in the parking lot for almost twenty
minutes  before I went in. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't feel like
throwing up. I  really wasn't sure how this was going to play out. I promised
myself over and  over again that I'd keep my temper in check, and I wouldn't
lose it. I just told  myself that I'd count to five if I felt like my anger
was going where it  shouldn't.

 I walked into the bar room and looked around and I saw him sitting  back
near the corner in one of the booths. We both looked at each other for a
second and I started walking towards him as he got up and stood there waiting
for me to get to the booth. I wasn't hurrying I was just walking carefully.
As I  passed the bar I saw Ron and waved to him he asked me if I wanted the
usual or  something else. The usual for me was a Long Island Iced Tea. Ron
was the one  that introduced me to them and I still haven't found any one
that makes them as  well as he did. I asked for a hot coffee this time. Having
alcohol now I was  sure wasn't a good idea maybe later when we were done
talking. I proceeded to  the booth and sat down he slide in across from me. He
reached over and from the  seat he pulled up a yellow rose and handed it to
me, as I took it he held on to  my hand for just a minute before he let go.
Ron brought me my coffee and left I  guess he sensed the tension between us.
He was the one that started first and I  had waited for him on purpose to
start this conversation.

 "I've missed you Michael."

 "I've missed you just as much Steve."

 "I'm glad to say that you're looking healthy what have the doctors  been
saying are you still getting a clean bill of health for your cancer?"

 "All the tests have been coming back negative but there's still a  long
way to go as you know." He was playing with his hands and moving his glass
back and forth we could both feel the uneasiness between us.

 "Mike I'm sorry you had the accident that night we fought. I ran  after
you to try and stop you I knew you were too upset to be driving. I know  that
was my fault and I'll never forgive myself that it happened to you. If you
hadn't been upset that night it never would have happened. I kept telling
myself  that I could have tried harder maybe if I had gotten in back of the
car and  stood there you wouldn't have been able to pull out from the parking
space. I  just wish that I had..."

 "Steve I'm a big boy I could have stopped the car at anytime. Between
the time I pulled out and the time of the accident. I knew I was having a hard
 time driving that night. So it's water under the bridge. I made an error
in  judgment and you're right I shouldn't have left like I did, but we both
know  why."

 "Yes you're right Mike and I'm sorry we fought, but I will never  forgive
myself for letting you leave that night. You have every right to hate me
and every right to say the things you did. I earned every word of them. I was
 all those things you called me and more names that you didn't say to me. I
can  sit here and tell you I'm sorry and no matter what or how or how many
times I'd  say it it's not going to be enough. I'll never ask for you to
forgive me Mike I  don't have the right to ask you that. It's up to you to
decide if you ever want  to forgive me. As I said I won't ever ask you to."
He took a deep breath and  exhaled and sighed at the same time. He wasn't
done saying what he wanted to and  I just sat there and waited for him to
gather his thoughts to go on.

 "I'm not going to go into detail about what went on between Randy and  I
if you ask I'll tell you otherwise I don't see any point in dredging up the
 ugliness of that situation. It's not going to change any thing and it's
just  going to open wounds that need to heal for you and I. Mostly for you I
want you  to heal for yourself. I have to live with it for the rest of my
life and I will  never be able to forgive myself. I'll regret this to the day
I die of that I'm  certain. I've seen Randy since then and told him that
what happened between him  and I never should have happened and that I never
want him to come near me  again. I told him that it was up to him if he
wanted to see you but I don't  think he'll be calling you and I didn't threaten
him to stay away from you. I  just think that he did what he did because he
was jealous of you and I. I don't  think he's any less angry over the fact
that he's gay. I think for whatever  reason he can't accept it and he tries
to make those of us that are happy and  okay with it make us share in his
unhappiness. He wants us to feel the same way  he does just like he did when
you guys were in high school. And I was the jerk  that caved in to him when
he came on to me like he did. You're right I could  have stopped him I could
have stopped it but I got weak when he played on my  emotions and that doesn
't excuse it or make it any less wrong. I could have and  should have
kicked him in the ass and told him to get fucked. I did but only  after it was to
late the damage had been done. When I came in to see you after  you hung up
on me was when it happened and I looked like shit because I hadn't  slept
because of the guilt I was feeling." He put his head down and just looked
into his drink. I wasn't sure if I should say anything to him yet or not. I
wasn't sure if he was done saying what he had come here to say yet. I held
off  for a few more minutes I just wanted to give him time in case he wasn't
done.

 "I don't know what else to say anymore Mike. I've gone through this a
hundred times in my head since you left that night. There isn't enough ways to
 say I'm sorry so I'm at a point here where I don't know what to do. I
guess it's  up to you and whatever you decide if you walk away I'll understand
that but I  won't give up just yet because I still love you Babe. I still
love you with all  my heart. And I'm not willing to just walk away from what
you and I had; it's  still worth fighting for as far as I'm concerned. I'm
not sure if you feel  anywhere near that but that's how I feel and I'm just
letting you know where I'm  coming from."

 I believed he meant every word he said to me. So now the ball was  truly
in my court and I had to think before I said anything to him. I wanted to
sit there next to him and hold his hand. I wanted to be close enough to smell
him. I wanted more than anything to just hold him and put my arms around
him and  tell him that I still loved him and always will. And yet I still hurt
and I  hadn't realized how much until now sitting here with him.

 "I don't know what to say Steve you're right about a lot of thing you
said. It's not that I can't forgive you but you shattered everything we had
to  pieces, but the biggest thing you broke was my trust in you. I trusted
you  completely with every fiber of my heart and soul I put my trust in you
and you  took away, in the blink of an eye. That's the hardest part for me.
Maybe I can  forgive you for making a mistake but how do I trust you again?
Tell me that,  tell me you know a way that I can trust you again. Just tell me
that and I'll  take you back right now, right here." I sat there and
looked into his eyes and I  reached out my hands to his and I held them as tight
as I could. I just kept  looking and I waited to hear him tell me something
anything I just wanted him to  have an answer. Even though I couldn't say it
out loud I was begging with my  eyes for him to talk but nothing was coming
out of his mouth. And some of the  pieces that had just come back were
falling apart the longer he didn't speak. If  I didn't leave I'd start crying
there was nothing more for me to say or do. I  held his hand and squeezed it
three times to tell him as he had done to me so  often I Love You. I got up
from the table and left walking as fast as I could  without looking back. I
waved to Ron without looking at him and just made the  door and got outside
and I let a few tears fall but I wasn't going to let any  more come out. I
got to the car but I wasn't going to start it until I had  myself under
control and knew I could handle driving I wasn't going to make that  mistake
again.

 I watched him come out of Ron's he was looking around the parking lot  if
it was for me I wasn't sure yet. But when he saw my car he stopped looking.
The only problem now was that I wasn't ready to drive if he came over
towards  me. And he was he was coming towards my car because in looking around I
hadn't  seen his car in the parking lot. What was I going to do, how was I
going to  handle this I certainly wasn't ready to tell him to go away I just
couldn't tell  him to just go away. The closer he got the worse I felt in
the pit of my  stomach. He came over to the door and opened it, reached in,
took my hand and  started pulling me out and I didn't have what it took to
fight him. I just got  out just like he wanted me to. He looked into my eyes
and didn't say anything he  just pulled me into him and put his arms around me
and held me tight and I  hugged him back just as hard.

 "I can't let you leave Mike I just can't not again. I don't know how  to
get you to trust me but with time its just going to take us time. But I'm
not  letting go this time I love you to much to do that." And I couldn't
argue with  him it felt to good to be wrapped in his arms again, it had been so
long since I  had felt this feeling. I put my head on his shoulder and had
my face in his neck  and I could smell him. It just made me feel so
comfortable there; I had missed  this so much. I wasn't crying and I wasn't going
to right now. I still had to be  strong for myself not for him but for me.

 "Where do we go from her Steve what now? What is it that you want me  to
do?"

 "Move back in with me, not into the bedroom but at least back into  the
house so we can work on us. I need time to show you that I still want you  and
I'm willing to do whatever I have to do to show you that you can trust me
again. I know its going to take time I just thank if we're living together
we  can bridge the gap faster to building that trust back up than if we aren'
t." I  wasn't sure if that was such a good idea but his logic was there and
so was his  voice of reasoning the one that I had learned to trust the one
that I counted on  at times and now it was the way that was breaking through
my guarded wall. If I  stood here much longer I was going to say yes I
already knew that in my heart. I  just didn't want to crumble that easily I had
to keep my focus as much as I  could.

"I'm not so sure of that Steve you make it sound so  convincing to me. But
you know how to talk to me you know my strengths and  weaknesses how do I
know you're not doing that now? The point I'm making is that  I'm always
going to be questioning everything you do in the back of my  mind."

 "I know that and expect it but everyday that will go by a little  piece of
the trust I've broken with you will be rebuilt. I'm willing to give you
all the time you need, whatever time that may be for you to learn to trust me
 again. I just feel that it might happen quicker if we're in the same house
and  maybe I'm wrong maybe you'll see that it isn't what you want after
all. You  might end up deciding that it's just not worth it to you anymore and
you'll walk  away anyway." He made it sound so right he even realized that
I could still back  out and walk away from him, but could I really do that
if I was living with him?  Would I be able to walk away again if I thought
it wasn't going to be what I  expected or what I wanted? Another piece of my
wall was breaking down. I pushed  him away from me it was gently but I was
able to push him away.

 "If and this is a VERY big if I moved back into the house into my old
bedroom could I trust you not to come into my room unless I said so? No matter
what the reason you might have I'd have to know that you wouldn't under
any  circumstances cross that threshold?"

 "I'll stay out of your room unless I ask you to go in there and you  say
yes. But yes I'll stay out of your room with question." And another piece
of  that resolve not to give in to him crumbled away. This was going to be a
losing  battle and I was the one that was going to be the loser. The
question left in my  head was would I win in the end if I did as he says now and
move in to give him  that chance on a much closer basis than trying t o build
that trust when we  wouldn't see each other giving me a greater opportunity
to suspect his doing on  his part. Maybe moving in would give me a greater
ability to watch him and if I  had to question him. Did I want to live like
that always questioning his  movements and his motives?

 "Steve Let me ask you this how is you going to feel if I start
questioning where you've been, who you have seen, what did you talk about? Are  you
really going to be able to handle me playing twenty one questions anytime I
feel like that's what I need to do?  Are you willing to put yourself under
my microscope of your every action?"

 "If that's what it's going to take to help get you back in my life  then
yes I'm willing to do that." He was just standing there looking at me I
guess he was hoping I'd just say yes to his to his proposal. But I was still
trying to hold to my resolve and not to crumble just because its what he
wanted  from me.

 "I need time to think about this Steve you're going to have to give  me
some time to think this out. Part of me wants to say yes right now I won't
lie to you; probably a greater part of me wants that. But that little piece
of  doubt that left is still pretty strong. So I'm not saying no but I'm not
saying  yes I just need time, will you give me that?" I felt good that I
had stood my  grounds I didn't give into that voice of soothing reasoning that
he was using  during this whole little talk.

 "I'll give you whatever you ask of me Mike whatever it takes to work  on
you and I. If you want some more time I can live with that because at least
I  know that I have a chance with you. And for right now I'll take that." I
guess I  was a little surprised by this response I thought for sure he
would go back to  pushing the idea of living together. I know how strong his
determination can be  when he wants something. I was surprised and glad to see
that he wasn't going to  push the limits with me. Maybe what he was saying
up to this point was how he  really felt and meant.

 "So you're still at the house with Gary I take it?"

 "Yes its just him and I there's still a few months on the lease if  its
just him and I at the end of t he lease we won't renew it if you're there
then the three of us would have to decide if we would stay or go." I thought
to  myself I had some time to think about what course of action I would take
but for  now I wasn't moving back in with him.

 "I'll at least tell you that I'll keep that lease and its end coming  in
mind. But for now we'll have to work on us outside of that setting for now
okay Steve?"

 "I already told you that I would do whatever you wanted. Can I ask  you to
go out for a date with me? It doesn't have to be tomorrow I'll let you
pick the day I'm just asking to take you out to start building our
relationship  and friendship back up again."

 "Are you free on Sunday?"

 "After I go to church I'll be free."

 "Pick me up at the restaurant when you're done and we'll spend the  rest
of the day together how's that sound to you?'

 "It sounds like music to my ears Michael, not to sound corny but it  does.
I'll plan something for us to do."

 "Just as long as we don't go to the house Steve then its fine doing
something together sounds good to me. But for right now I'm going to get going
and I'll see you on Sunday around one okay?"

 "I'll be there at one Mike just wait in case I'm a few minutes late  but
I will definitely be there to get you. Just one more thing before you  leave.
"

 "What's that?"

 "May I give you a kiss good bye? I promise to make it quick,"

 "Yeah Steve you can do that." He leaned toward me and took my hands  in
his and gently kissed me on my cheek. And that was it he let go of my  hands.

 "All right Mike I'm going to go and I'll pick you up on Sunday. Drive
safe Babe drive safe." He turned and left me there. I watched him walk across
the parking lot towards the back of the building. I got back in my car and
drove  home. There was still a question in my mind that was nagging me and I
had to  figure out a way to get rid of it and I had to get it resolved
before Sunday. I  had to talk to Randy. I had to hear his side of the story. I
knew I had his  address on the envelope from the get-well card he had sent
me. I knew I couldn't  call him I had to do this face to face and it would be
better if I just showed  up unannounced I wanted to catch him off guard.

 It took me a few days but I spent an hour or so each time I sat in my  car
up the street from his house. I was waiting to catch him either coming or
going. I caught him on the third say coming out of his house. I walked up
his  driveway and yelled his name just before he got into his car. By the look
on his  face I could tell he was the last person on earth that he wanted to
see. My  resolve was to get straight to the point and get the information I
wanted and  leave.

 "I'll bet you're a little surprised to see me aren't you  Randy?"

 "Uh Yea."

 "Don't worry I won't be here long. I just came here to find out one
thing and one thing only."

 "What would that be?" I could tell by the tone of his voice that he  had
nothing but contempt for me. And it hit me at that moment that I didn't
really give a fuck anymore what he thought. And before I asked him what I came
here for I had other things to say.

 "First of all Randy whatever your purpose was when you showed up that  day
in my room I no longer care about. Your lie's and your current demeanor
tell  me just what kind of pathetic loser you really are. It's no wonder you
like to  make other people miserable its because you don't have any kind of
life for  yourself to begin with. It's empty and shallow just like you. And
that tells me  that's just how you operate your life empty and void of any
meaning and you'll  always be like that and you'll never find any kind of
happiness because you hate  yourself that much. And it's the only reason I feel
sorry for you because I know  you won't ever find someone that could love
you."

 "So what's your fucking point asshole?"

 "With you there is no point and that's just it for you there will  never
be one. The only thing I want to know is Randy is did he like it when you
fucked him? Tell me what he said to you when you were screwing his ass." I
knew  Steve it just wasn't him. He loved sex with me but it was the one thing
that  Steve didn't want to do with me and I was okay with that. I knew from
day one  that Steve was the alpha and even before we had sex in all my
fantasies he was  never the one getting fucked. I had accepted that from the
beginning.

 "Oh you want to know how much he liked it when I fucked him is that  it?
He screamed like a little girl dickhead. Does that answer your question?"
That was lie number one from him and it gave Steve some credibility to what he
 had originally told me what had happened between the two of them.

 "So you didn't give him a blow job, he said you begged him to give  him
one?"

 "Oh yeas begged me to but when I tried he couldn't get it up I had to
give up after a few minutes. He only got it up when I was fucking him. It was
the only way I could get my rocks off with him, I had to do all the work
for  Christ sake." Now I know Steve had at least told me the truth about what
happened between the two of them. At least I knew he had told the truth to
me  once the truth was out about the two of them.

 "So Randy how'd you feel when he wouldn't let you finish that blow  job
he was supposed to be begging you for? How'd you feel when he told you it
was a mistake and that it couldn't happen anymore and that he told you it was
a  mistake from the beginning that it was over before it really got started?
I'll  tell you how you felt you were so pissed off that you thought you'd
get close to  me and tell me yourself I don't know why you didn't tell me,
you would have done  to me what you didn't think you could in high school at
that point. If you had  told me that day in the hospital I would never have
given Steve the time of day  to talk to me. But for some reason you didn't
because you were going to play  some other game what I'm not sure and don't
really fucking care either. I've  heard what I needed to hear and what I
came here for. Whatever else you say from  this point forward won't make a
difference I can't believe you anyway because  you just lied to me a few
minutes ago and I know it. Have a nice empty pathetic  life Randy Crawford its
what you deserve." I turned my back on him and walked  down the driveway with a
smile on my face. And just before I lost visual sight  of him I turned back
to him.

 "Just to let you know Steve and I are back together again and thanks  to
you it's better than it was before. So thanks for helping us." I just had to
 say something like that just to drive the knife in a little deeper. And it
made  me feel even better than before. I figured he deserved it; it was my
payback  from all that time in high school.  I never saw or heard from Randy
 Crawford again.

 I drove home feeling good about what I had found out. It didn't make  me
happy that what Steve had done was true. But it was the fact that he didn't
lie about the sex that didn't go on between them; he had stopped in the
process.  He realized his error and wanted to get out. I gave him credit for at
least  having the strength to push away someone who was giving him head and
running out  the door. I knew I was going to tell Steve that I had
confronted Randy and the  results of what I found out. I wouldn't have to wait long
tomorrow was  Sunday.

 I arrived in the parking lot about fifteen minutes earlier than Steve  and
I had arranged but he was already there waiting for me. He got out of his
car while I parked mine.

 "Come on Babe we'll take my car. We're going to take a ride like you
like to do and go someplace that I've picked out for us. Well you have to pick
where but I have two places in mind but for now we don't have to worry
about  that."

 "Okay sounds good to me, let me lock up my car and we'll go." He held
the door open for me it was something he started doing for soon after we
started  sharing out bedroom. I never asked him to or teased him that he should
just one  day about two days after we moved into that room together he held
doors open for  me. I got in and there was a single yellow rose with a card
and Babe was written  on the card. I picked it up and opened it. Just like
the first card the one with  the black and white photo of single rose. On the
inside he had written -  A  simple small step begins a new path for you and
I to travel. Love You With All  My Heart - Steve I was touched he had given
this some thought I could tell I  knew Steve wasn't a writer. Even if he
copied it from somewhere else I didn't  care. What it said was appropriate
about us.

 "Thank you I like what you wrote is says a lot to me."

 "I'm glad you like it, I can't remember if its something I read or  heard
or if I really thought it up on my own. I don't think I copied I'm hoping
I really thought it up. I wanted to give you something from my heart Mike I
just  wanted you to know that."

 "Doesn't matter if you did or didn't what matters is that fits us
perfectly right now and the spot we are in. So even if you copied it from
someone, or remembered it from somewhere, for right now you knew what to say to  me
that would be nice and show me that it was heartfelt. Did you go to church
today?"

 "Yes with my folks."

 "How are your mom and dad doing?"

 "Good and they say hello and hope we work things out. I told Mom what
happened. She told me to tell you that she misses her lost child. She told me
to  be patient with you and give you all the time and space that you need and
ask  for. She told me not to push you no matter much I might want to."

 "Your mom always seems to know what to say and gives good advice when  you
need it."

 "I didn't always think so growing up but as I get older I'm beginning  to
see how smart she really is."

 "It's that way with mine. Steve I have something I want to tell you.  I
just want to clear this up and when we're done with this conversation it's
the  last we'll speak of it."

  "Whatever you have to say go ahead I'm listening."

 "Well I talked to Randy yesterday." I stopped there I wanted to see  what
his reaction would be. He didn't really do anything he just kept driving
and looking at the road in front of him.

 "Go ahead Mike keep talking."

 "I found his house and confronted him. I know that at least I know  you
told me the truth about what happened between you two. So I'm glad that even
though I was really mad when you told me it was nonetheless true. It doesn't
 change anything really and I just wanted you to know what I did. I'm
pretty sure  after what I said to him that he'd never be bothering you or me
again. And  believe me I didn't threaten him from bodily harm at your hands or
mine. And  that's the last time I want to talk about this it's a closed
subject as far as  I'm concerned unless you'd like to say something about it
first."

 "Nope, I agree with you the subject is closed in my book."

 "So where are we going again?"

 "You have a choice either we can go to Hawk Mountain or to The Pagoda  in
Reading. It's up to you because I don't know what you can handle at this
point with everything you've been through I'm not sure what you're capable
of  physically. It's not that cold out that's why I thought it would nice to
go see  them."

 "It's a little much for me to tackle Hawk Mountain, to much walking  on
uneven ground. That's too much for me to handle with my leg yet. I think The
Pagoda will be nicer and the ground there is smooth because of the
walkways."

 "The Pagoda it is."  We drove a little while without saying  anything,
just listened to the radio. It was an overcast day but still had some  sun
shining through. And when the sun was out in full strength it felt really  good.

 "I'm glad you came today Mike. I've been looking forward to seeing  you
since we were at Ron's Place and talked. I miss seeing you on a day-to-day
basis. The hardest times is when I'm home alone and just sit there and watch
the  TV, it gives me to much time to think of what I threw away by hurting
you. If  you ever give me the chance to be in your life again, I mean like we
were I'll  do everything in my power to make sure I never screw it up again.
"

 "That's nice to hear Steve it's a tough time for me to when I'm at  home
and don't have something to do. Maybe it will change some day and maybe  we'
ll be back together we just have to take it slow right now that all there
is  to it. Mind if I slide over and sit next to you?"

 "Thought you'd never ask. I'd love that Mike can we hold hands like  we
use to?"

 "Yea I can deal with that." I slide over next to him and took hold of
his hand. I laid my head on his on his shoulder. It felt good to touch him
again. How could it hurt so much to love him like this and not be able to be
with him like I really want? I just wanted him to make love to me like he
did  before and hold me and calm my fears away. But I couldn't go there yet it
was  still to fresh in my heart and in my mind. It wasn't long before we
got to The  Pagoda. I always liked it here. The landscaped gardens no matter
the seasons  were always pristine and picture perfect. I marveled at the time
and what it  took to have mastered these gardens they were like a painted
canvas in some  places. The time is took to get all these stones so perfectly
laid out and  placed each in its own place and position. This is where I
learned that the  shapes and texture of these rocks were of importance in rock
gardens. They  didn't just throw them in there and throw some stones around
them. It was a nice  place to walk around holding hands and not talking but
enjoying each other's  company. There were very few people in the gardens
today due to the weather. I  was glad it made us feel like we had the place
to ourselves. It was a place to  contemplate things and let you heal on the
inside.

 "I really like this place I'm glad we came here today Steve. This  place
is much better than Hawk Mountain nicer place to reflect and think about
things."

 "You thinking about us today?"

 "A little I guess."

 "Just a little Mike? It was the only thing I was thinking  about."

 "Come to any conclusions?"

 "I don't know if I'd call them conclusions."

 "What would you call them Steve?"

 "Maybe hope for us. A possible future with you and I being together  again
Mike."

 "I won't lie to you Steve but so was I. I'm not sure when yet so  don't
ask. I'm thinking about it I'll say that much to you. And that's all I'm
saying I'm just thinking."

 "I can't ask for anymore that that right now."

 "You really would wait for me no matter how long wouldn't you?"

 "Yep, without question."

 "Why?"

 "Because I messed up with you Mike and I learned from my mistake and  if
waiting is what I have to do to get you back in my life than I'll wait, a
week, a month, a year, it doesn't matter you're worth it to me and I know
that.  That's why I'll wait because I want that back again I'll never find
anyone like  you again and I know that. So yea I'll wait."

 "A year huh? That's a long time to spend just waiting not knowing for  su
re about me."

 "I told you once before about my willingness to take a chance on you.
Well I'm willing to take that chance again."

 "Why's that Steve?" He took my hand in his and pulled me towards him  and
looked directly into my eyes.

 "Because I know something."

 "What something would that be?"

 "You still love Mike." I couldn't argue with him, he had me dead to
rights. Like a deer looking into the headlights. I was unsure where to go from
here after that declaration of his.

 "You don't have to say anything Mike. But it's still in your eyes and
you look at me and you think I'm not looking." Without warning he leaned in
and  kissed me, he put his arms around me and just held me. It was just a
simple  gentle kiss but a much more meaningful hug. I wasn't so sure I wanted
to let go  off him just yet.

 "You think you're so smart don't you?"

 "I've never been accused of being slow if you must know Babe."

 "Always the smart ass at least you're consistent I'll say that for  you."

 "I can bee that again Mike the way you expect me to and the way you  want
me to."

 "You think so?"

 "No I don't think so I know so. I made a promise to myself if I was
lucky enough to have you back in my life I'd never do anything that would hurt
you again. You have to know it wasn't just you I hurt."

 "Who else did you hurt?"

 "Me, I let myself down I'm ashamed of myself for having done it.  Maybe
it doesn't sound like much but I've always worked at being a man that  stood
behind what he said. And this time I let myself down. I didn't stay with
my beliefs and morels that I strive to keep for myself. That's another reason
 I've been back to church to work at being me again. Because as much as I
ask for  your forgiveness I also have to forgive myself which at this point I
haven't  been able to. I'm not a god or superman and I know I'll make
mistakes that at  some point I have to forgive myself for. But for now I'm just
taking it a little  bit at a time." I was stunned by his revelation to say
the least. It was  heartfelt and sincere and it pulled at my heartstrings
more than I realized at  that moment.

 "I'm .... I ...I'm not sure what to say after what you just said  Steve."

 "You don't have to say anything Mike. I didn't say it because I  wanted
you to respond to it. I just said it because that's how it is with me  right
now. I'm just telling you where I'm at with my life right now. I didn't
say it to impress you or sway you to say you'll come back to the house that's
 not what it was meant for. I was just telling well, you know I've already
said  it there's no sense it repeating myself."

 "Come on let's walk some more and do some more talking." I took his  hand
and started walking on another pathway of the gardens.

 "I'm not sue I can say where my life is right now Steve. I'm still
holding my breath from one MRI to another. I hope that makes sense to you.
Everything else I guess doesn't matter I haven't been to church lately. I'm not
mad at God anymore I just don't feel like I can walk through those doors
just  yet. And more than anything I miss you every day you're not with me."

 "There's a way to end that if you think you're ready Babe. All you  have
to do is say the word and I'll come pick you up and all your things and
bring it back to the house. But I just want you to know I'm not pushing I'm
just  saying."

 "Here's the question that keeps running through my head. What if I  don't
have the time I think I do? I could go for my next MRI test and they could
say the party's over Big Boy get your things in order your time is short.
And  that just makes all of this that much harder for me. I wonder what if I
don't  have the time should I just move back in with you and make the most
of the time  I've got right now or do I think I've got time and don't rush
this?"

 "I can't answer that Mike and I can't tell you which way to let it  play
out, it's your life to live. I know at this point whatever you decide I'll
always know that I had the love of a lifetime. If you're not in mine I'll
never  have another as good as the one I've had with you. No one will
measure up to you  and I know that I will always compare."

 "I know there's no one that can tell me what to do or to think. I  keep
telling myself that everything is going to be okay and that I have a
lifetime to do the things I want but there's this nagging feeling in the back of
my head that says I don't. Not maybe it will be okay, maybe I'll be one of
those  that survive this, its just this feeling that keeps telling me I don't
have much  longer Steve." And it was the truth with all my optimism and up
beat attitude;  there was a voice that kept saying I wasn't going to make
it. I tried not to  listen to that little voice but it just never went away
and it started getting  louder about a month ago. Maybe my body was trying to
tell me something I didn't  want to hear I just wasn't sure anymore.

 "I don't know what to say Mike. You've been through so much in the  past
six months and to stand here and look at you - you look like you do have a
lifetime. I can't think of you not in my life. Not unless I look and see you
 there for the long haul. Maybe I just never could accept that you weren't
going  to be okay. I guess maybe I still can't. I just know that I want you
in my life  however long that may be I just want you in my life Mike. That's
all I know now  right now its what drives me everyday. And I'll keep
believing that with all my  heart and soul until you tell me differently or if you'
re not...."

 "I believe you now shut up and hug me I need one bad right now." And  I
did every bone in my body every fiber of my being needed that hug from him. I
 needed him I realized at that very moment that I needed him. I needed him
in my  life whatever was left of it I needed him. I hugged him with all my
might and  cried and I wasn't even sure, just why was I crying? But I let the
tears fall  and I just held on I wasn't going to let go of him. And I think
he knew it. He  didn't say anything and he made no move to let go he stood
there with me waiting  for me to make a move or to say something to him. I'm
not sure how long we stood  there like that I didn't care but finally I
lifted my head from his shoulder and  looked at him. He reached up and doing
the best he could he tried to wipe the  wetness from my face, and still he
said nothing. I guess he was just giving me  whatever time I needed to pull
myself back together. Just as he always told me I  took a deep breath and
exhaled slowly.

 "Do you feel better now?"

 "I'm not even sure why I did that but I know one thing."

 "What's that Babe?"

 "Take us home."

 "Home?"

 "Yea our home Steve."

 "You sure about this?"

 "You want me to change my mind?"

 "No No, its good I'm taking us home just like you asked Babe." A  smile
slowly spread across his face the one that made his eyes sparkle just the
way I liked. He held the door open for me to get in the car. And when closed
it  I watched him in the side mirror as he walked to the back of the car and
just  before I lost sight of him I saw him jump in the air with his hand
held high  above him. His little leap of joy bought a smile to my face when he
slide in  next to me I thought his smile had gotten bigger.

 `You aren't happy are you?'

"Why no not  entirely."

 "You could have fooled me I saw that little leap you took at the back  of
the car you know."

 "Oh that, I thought I saw a snake it scared me." No matter what he  was
saying the smile wouldn't go away.

 "It's all right Steve I liked it and it was nice to see the Steve I  know
and love. And yes you were right earlier I do still love you very  much."

 "I don't want to sound like a know it all, but I knew that." He  leaned
over and pulled me towards him by the back of my neck and kissed me hard  for
a minute.

 "The road ahead still isn't totally clear but if I don't have a  lifetime
then I want whatever time I do have left with you in it."

 "I'll take my chances that it's going to be a very long lifetime
Michael. Because just as you said there's a nagging voice in your head that's
telling you something there's a voice in mine that's saying we do have a
lifetime and that's the one I chose to believe."

 "I like that one."

 "It's the one I want you to hang on to and believe. That nagging  voice
you have needs to go away starting now."

 "You might need to remind me of that."

 "Everyday if I have to Babe I'll do it everyday for you." He pulled  out
of the parking lot and I slide over next to him put my hand on his leg and
stretched out across the seat for the road home. I let my head rest on his
shoulder and reached for the volume on the radio and turned it up. I checked
out  the cassette and pushed it in and Stevie Nicks voice came on singing
Landslide.  It said a lot about us. We rode down the road and just enjoyed
each other's  company. Steve drove me to my house so I could pack a few
suitcases and grab a  few other things. I told my folks I was moving backing with
Steve. I don't think  they were very happy with my decision. My mother had
gotten use to me being home  I don't think she wanted me to move out
regardless. I think my father hated it  because he knew what Steve had done and he
wasn't too happy with him. We left my  house and picked up my car and went
back to Ringold Street.

 It was a strange feeling coming back here I hadn't been here since  the
night of the accident. My parents were the ones that came to get my things
when I moved home to recuperate. My father insisted that I stay home when they
 came to get everything I had here. Gary had helped them pack it up. My
mother  told me that Steve wasn't there the day they were. I remember thinking
that it  really didn't matter anyway I wouldn't have asked if he had
anything to say if  he had been there.

 Steve took the suitcases and put them in my old room. All the  furniture
was still there because we had gone shopping at a Salvation Army Store  when
we originally moved in so I had left it here because I didn't need it at my
parent's house.

 "Steve this isn't going to work after all." I could see the
disappointment on his face as it registered what I was saying. I could see the  anguish
thinking that I was going back home after all.

 "Why do you say that Mike? I thought this is what you wanted?"

 "No I meant it wouldn't work in this room it doesn't feel right this
needs to go to your room. I belong there not here." The smile was back and I
thought he was going to be the one that cried this time. But in an instant
the  smile was back and so was the sparkle in his eye.

 "You gave me a hear attack Babe, don't do that again. Damn it that
scared me. Are you sure you're ready to make that move I don't want to push you
into this decision?"

 "You haven't in fact you helped me make up my mind when you brought  them
in here. This is where we started and we aren't starting now we're moving
forward that's only going to happen if I'm back in our room where we can
work on  us."

 "I'm not going to argue. I'm going to take these and start unpacking
your stuff."

 "All right I've got to take a leak. Oh come on we'll just go to the
bathroom in our room."

 "Mike there's one thing I've got to tell you before you ...."

 "STEPHEN ALAN CRAIGEN! What the fuck is this?" Before me was a war  zone
of destruction. Clothes were everywhere in the room, on the floor, hanging
over the dresser, on and around the desk. The hamper was open and was over
flowing with clothes. There were plates and cups on just about every open
flat  surface, along with papers and various pieces of trash. I was beyond
stunned.

 "Well you surprised me I didn't think you were coming I didn't think  you
were coming here or I would have had the room cleaned up for you."

 "You mean to tell me Stephen Alan that you've been living like  this?"

 "Well it's just that I was kind of..."

 "Steve I can't believe that you have been living like this. This is a
mess." He looked at me with a face that reminded me of a kid that had been
caught with his hands in the cookie jar red handed. He dropped the suitcases
and  started to scramble around the room picking up clothes.

 "I'm going to pee, you keep your ass cleaning mister I'm not sleeping  in
here tonight until you have this cleaned up Buster Brown!"

 "You can't e mad at me. I didn't know you were coming, that's not  fair."
 As he's running around picking up his clothes I'm in the bathroom
surveying the mess in here as well.

 "Stephen Alan have you even cleaned in here since I've been gone? And  don
't hand me a line of your bullshit I can tell you know. He wasn't
answering  me I took that as a no.

 "So you haven't cleaned in here! Strip the bed while you're cleaning  up
dirty clothes. And don't you dare shove this stuff in the hamper; number one
 it won't all fit. Take it down stairs to the laundry room. I know you."

 "Come on give me a break Babe."

 "You want me sleeping in her with this room like this? Have you lost  your
mind?

 "Yes to both questions."

 "I believe you have lost your mind. You better get your butt in gear  and
on the way back up bring up the cleaning stuff. And so help me if you don't
have any you're going to the store right now."

 "Aw.....come on Mike you've got to be kidding? We can just put on some
clean sheets and all the clothes will be in the laundry room."

 "And you honestly think that will make it clean in here? Mr. Craigen  I
suggest you get your ass in gear. These two rooms are disgusting and there is
no way in hell I'm sleeping in here with you I don't care if you get naked
or  not and stand there with a hard on trying to entice me in here. No sir
this is  not a dumping ground. You have plates, cups trash and good knows
what I can't  see. You have the slightest inkling that you might be getting
sex tonight I  would advise you to show me how badly you want it but getting
this room clean.  I'll help you but you better get moving."

 "I have to go to the fucking store."

 "Clothes first and I'll start laundry while you're gone. You only  have
to go to the corner store so I don't want to hear any whining about going  to
the store. It's two minutes down the street. And make sure you look to see
what you need. I know you, you'll get to the store and start guessing and
then  you'll just get everything we normally use just to be on the safe side.
That's  wasting money and I'm not doing that and neither are you." He gave
me this  sheepish look as he continued to pick up his clothes. I reached
the bed and  started pulling it apart.

 "Throw your clothes on the bed you can take it all down all at once.  The
downstairs didn't look this bad, have you been living in this room and just
not doing any cleaning in here?"

 "Well I just was letting it go. I was going to clean. I did..."

 "Never mind go to the store I'll keep going so we can go to bed  sometime
before midnight. And when you get back bring the vacuum up with  you."

 "It's in the closet."

 "Great place for it was it hiding from the dirt out here?"

 "Oh funny you're real cut Babe."

 "I'm not the one that forgot how to clean up."

 "All right you've made your point I'm taking this pile down. Follow  me
and you can start the laundry while I go to the  store."

"You take that down, I'll get a pile of dishes to  bring down. I could
belt you for letting this go like this. There's no reason  for this bucko."

 "MMmmm I like the sound of that."

 "It won't be for any pleasure knucklehead and if you're not careful  you
won't be getting any of this ass if you don't get your ass moving to the
store."

 "I'm going I'm going already Jesus."

 "Jesus wouldn't let Mary stay here either. GO!" He grabbed the pile  of
clothes and was out the door heading for the stairs. I picked up some plates
and cups and took those down to the kitchen. I got into the laundry room
and  started the process of sorting and getting the first load into the
washing  machine. I find I have enough detergent for about three loads and he's
about six  or seven. I hear the front door open while I'm still sorting his
laundry.

 "I'm in here bone head you couldn't have gone to the store and back  so
quick. What did forget dickhead?"

 "This is not bonehead or dickhead you shit for breath!" It was Gary  and
I could hear Eileen laughing in the background.

 "Hey I'm in here sorting the idiots clothes!" Eileen was the first  one
to come in and see me. She threw her arms around me and gave me a hug.

 "It's good to see you here Mike. We've missed you being here, are you
back or are you just visiting?" Eileen was always direct and to the point and
wasn't shy about asking in the least.

 "I'm here to stay. But I'm on his ass at the moment about that damn  room
and how it looked when I walked in here."

 "I take it you weren't happy to see it when you walked in?" Gary was  the
one questioning me now and I had to laugh because Gary was the total slob
living at home. But since living here he was the one that always kept his
room  clean and always kept at the kitchen and guest bathroom.

 "What the hell was his problem he never lived like this  before?"

 "You weren't here Mike, you weren't here for him he was always  walking
around with a long face whenever he walked out of that room it was just
usually just to go to work. A couple of times I told him to clean himself up. He
 didn't shave to go to work a couple of times and his boss sent him home to
get  cleaned up and then go back to work."

 "Was he depressed that bad Gary?"

 "Oh yea Eileen and I tried to avoid him he was miserable to talk to  I'm
glad you're back with us I'm sure he'll get back to being the usual old
Steve we know." I realized how he felt I had felt the same way but I had
someone  to help me get by my depression. I had Charlie and we had fun. He helped
me not  think about Steve as much as I could have. I knew for sure now that
he didn't  have anyone after me to help him.

 "Well I'm back and he's gone to the store to get cleaning stuff, I  made
him."

 "That's why I thought he was home he must have taken your car because  I
didn't see yours only his."

 "Well I chased him out of here yelling at him to get his ass in gear  or I
wouldn't be sleeping in our room tonight." Gary started laughing.

 "You dog you threatened him with no sex the first night you're back?  I
had to smile I never expected Gary to say something like that. He was kind of
 careful about how he worded things when it came to mine and Steve's
relationship.

 "Of course I used sex! Doesn't Eileen use it on you sometimes?" This
time it was Eileen's turn to laugh. I knew I hit the nail on the head with that
 line.

 "I don't want to hear anymore of this conversation if you two boys  are
going to start that I'm going to the kitchen and start making dinner. Have
you and Steve eaten or are you two going out or what?"

 "No Eileen we hadn't had the chance to talk about it. I was derailed  of
thought when I walked into that bedroom. Tell you what wait till Steve gets
back and maybe we can order out a pizza or something. That sound okay to
you  two? That way none of us have to cook and clean up will be easy?"

 "I'm good with that idea Mike I didn't want to cook anyway so its
perfect I just don't want pizza, how about Chinese for dinner?"

 "You two put your order together and I'll ask Steve when he gets back
and we'll order after that." And so I went about my cleaning and the two of
them  were off to the living room. It wasn't much longer and my lazy knight
in shining  armor was back with two bags of cleaning products and laundry
soap.

 "Did you do any clothes while I was not living here?"

 "Well I did some when..."

 "Never mind come over her to me Buster Brown." He looked like a
schoolboy again caught for a second time with his fingers in the jar.

 "First, we'll get this cleaned up in no time. Second I understand why
you let it get this messy and I'm sorry I yelled even though I didn't really
yell. I picked on you is more like it. And last and most important......" I
paused  just to let him hang for a minute.

 "Come on Mike what just say it what ever it is just stop torturing  me."

 "I just want you to know that I Love You and if I ever see you not
picking your shit and putting it where it belongs I'll kick your ass and cut off
your dick!"

 "Geez he tells me he loves me and that he'll cut off my dick if I  forget
to pick up something. I'm going to start wearing a chastity belt with a
lock and key. You're a sick pervert I've told you that from the beginning.
This  is just another case in point."

 "Shut up and kiss me and then go tell Gary and Eileen what you and I  want
for Chinese, we're ordering out so no one has to cook. But don't worry  you
'll be busy cleaning while we wait for dinner to get here."

 "You're such a slave driver Mike I don't know how I put up with  you?"

 "I do."

 "Oh really so why do I put up with you?"

 "Cuz you love me sweet cheeks!"

 "Sweet Cheeks?"

 "Oh that's it that's it that's your permanent nickname! From now on
your Sweet Cheeks or Mr. Sweet Cheeks oh it perfect. Because of the cheeks on
your face and those wonderful cheeks on your ass. Oh my God I love it! I was
 laughing I knew that name would tease him anytime I used it. I could see
that  written all over his face.

 "You're such a ball buster Mike."

 "Make up your mind which is it Ball Buster or Slave Driver?"

` "I'll have to keep you guessing that's my job with you, keep you
guessing. Now move Sweet Cheeks up the stairs with the cleaning stuff in your
hands don't forget them."

 "You're not taking anything?"

 "I didn't make the mess. I'm helping clean it up but you're doing the
grunt work. Carrying all this is the grunt work. Now shut your jaws in a
closed  position and put your Sweet Cheeks into motion. I love this! I really
love this!  Sweet Cheeks is just to good."

 "I have a feeling I'm going to not like this new nickname of  yours."

 "On the contrary it's a term of endearment used only with the utmost
respect, to be used only in private and closed quarters. I won't tell a soul.
Well maybe your sister Laura she would absolutely get a kick out of the
name."

 "So help me Michael Wayne Mathews if you dare tell my sister I'll be  the
one cutting off your dick and there won't be any sex either."

 "No shit Sherlock, that's what generally happens when you cut off a  man'
s dick. He's pretty much useless for sex after that."

 "You think you're so damn smart don't you?"

 "Got you didn't I?"

 "I give up you're impossible absolutely impossible."

 "But again I remind you that you still love me."

 "I give up I can not win with you. Maybe I made a mistake."

 "But you did win, I'm here aren't I?" I looked at him and smiled I
pushed him to get him moving and I picked up the bag of cleaning stuff. I yelled
 to Gary what to get us for dinner and I threw him my credit card and told
him  I'd buy dinner but they had to clean up. Steve and I worked at cleaning
up while  we waited for dinner and finished cleaning after we had dinner.
The bedroom was  back to what I considered normal. Steve accused me of being
to clean and I  reassured him that he wouldn't die living in the room in its
current state. We  both were laughing and enjoying the time together it had
been a long time and  without being said we both knew we had missed this.
These were the moments that  we both loved so much when we were together.

 "I don't want to ruin our current mood but when's the next MRI  Mike?"

 "I have another week and a half before I see Dr. Grisales for the  next
one."

 "I want to go with you if you'll let me."

 "Of course you're coming you're the one that helped me get through  those
first few days and weeks Steve when I first found out. Why would you even
think you weren't coming?"

 "Let's just say there was a certain bump in the road and I'm still  not
sure if all the wheels are in their right places yet."

 "The wheels in this case certainly are back where they belong so make
sure you're off work that day. It seems that I'm totally exhausted after each
one of these visits. And the closer each one gets to the one year mark the
more  emotional I am after he reads the MRI. The last time he read it, it
took me  almost twenty minutes to pull myself together. To say the least the
tension from  the time I get put into that damn tube until he gives me the
reading is an  eternity its like sitting in a courtroom waiting to hear the
sentencing for a  crime you didn't commit. Dr. Grisales becomes the judge and I
'm just waiting to  hear if I get life or death. And it's a repeat every
month. It's like a  nightmare you're having and you try to stay awake long
enough so that when you  do go back to sleep you don't have the same
nightmare. But I do I keep having  the same nightmare and I just don't know when it
going to end. At the same time  I don't know if I want to."

 "Well then I'll be with you every time that you have to go Michael. I  won
't let you down and not be there. I'm sure that you're going to pass all
these tests with flying colors. Remember I told you the voice in my head
tells  me that we have a lifetime to spend together. So just keep listening to
me about  that okay?"

 "Do I have a choice about this?"

 "No you don't because I know you will make it you just have to go  back
to knowing it like you use to."

 "Yes sir Sweet Cheeks!" I had to lighten the conversation and using  his
new nickname was the best way I could think of.

 "Just for that I'm going to tickle you and I'm not going to care if  you
piss your pants or not."

 "No you're not there will none of that going on. So just get it out  of
your cute little head Steve."

 "What no Sweet Cheeks this time? Afraid that you will pay for saying  it?"
 He was getting closer to me and I could tell by the gleam in his eye that
he was going to do as he promised a few moments ago he was coming to tickle
me.  I tried running away from him but he caught me and put his arms around
me and  held onto me tightly. He tried getting into my neck to blow in it.
He knew I  couldn't stand when he did that. Remember getting a raspberry
when you were a  kid and your parents or an older sibling would hold you down
and blow really  hard on your stomach? That's what Steve would do in my neck
and for me it had  the same effect as if it were being done on my stomach.
He did he successfully  forced his face into the crook of my neck and was
blowing into it. I was growing  weaker from the laughter and he persisted in
using it to his advantage. From the  neck he began poking me in the sides,
which is another highly sensitive ticklish  spot on me. By this time I was a
basket case and was laughing hysterically, my  sides were beginning to hurt
and I could feel the tears coming from my eyes. I  couldn't even talk to beg
him to stop. I only had one option of defense. I  grabbed his crotch and held
on without causing pain he started to slow down and  I wasted no time in
rubbing his crotch seductively. His resolve was almost gone  he stopped what
he was doing to me and just held on to me instead. I took the  time to put my
face in his neck and my mouth close to his ear. I just gently  kissed him
on his neck at first but I began to whisper to him while I continued  to use
my hand on him.

 "You like this don't you Steve?"

 "Yes."

 "Should I keep going?"

 "Oh yea please it's been so long."

 "Should I go slow and take my time or do you want me to hurry and not
torture you?"

 "You decide Babe its up to you." I returned to just kissing his neck  and
shoulder and gently rubbed what was now his erection. I guided him to the
bed and laid him down with myself beside him. We weren't rushing ourselves
but  slowly we laid there kissing each other passionately and with hunger and
at  times tenderly and softly. Our hands roamed each other's bodies from
our heads  and down our legs and around each other everywhere we could reach
and touch. We  exchanged positions from being on top to being pinned down and
slowly we began  to remove each other's clothing first a shirt, a sock, a
t-shirt our pants and  finally we removed our final bridge and we lost our
underwear. We never hurried  it was still slow and loving gentle and
passionate the entire time.

 In all that process we had avoided touching each other's cock.  Without
saying it we just strayed from touching that area. Finally I looked him  in
the eyes and reached down and slowly wrapped my fingers around his engorged
cock. It was so hot in my hand and I held perfectly still as I held it. I
squeezed it hard and then let go to travel down and cup his balls in my hand.
I  rolled them in my fingers gently and pulled them down not roughly but
pulling  with some strength enough to make him wince a little. I let go and
just used my  hand rub them to ease any discomfort that was left. He was
moaning with pleasure  and I was enjoying being the one that was giving him this
pleasure.

 "What do you want Steve? What do you want me to do for you? I'm here  to
do whatever you want me to."

 "Oh My God Baby just being touched by you right now is so wonderful  and
turning me on so much."

 "Roll over on your stomach for me and let me make you feel good some  more.
" He did as I told him and put his hands under his head and laid there for
me. Slowly and gently I began to just run my hands everywhere that I could
touch  from his neck and down his back and over his ass and down his legs,
slowly  rubbing and at times barely touching his body at all just tracing my
fingers  along the contours of his bodily shape. I spread his legs and
barely touched his  balls, I got him to lift his hips so that I could reach under
him and pull his  penis back so that when he laid down his cock was
pointing towards his feet. I  leaned down and ran my tongue up and down his shaft
but I didn't suck on it. I  just made it wet with my tongue tracing its
length. From there I ran my tongue  up over his balls and towards his ass. I
grabbed his flesh and spread him apart  and drove my tongue directly into him.
He was almost whimpering as I drilled him  with the point of my tongue. He
began to beg me to let him roll over he wanted  me to suck his cock. I couldn'
t give in to him yet I had to drive his desires  further along.  I ran my
tongue up his back along the line of his spine  kissing him and licking his
body. The entire time I played with his ass and his  balls. Gently and barely
touching them. He was begging me to hold them to grab  them. I dipped my
finger in his pool of precum and brought it to his mouth for  him to feed on.
He was hungry. I was kissing his neck the way that he loved  slightly biting
him in between my kisses. I bit his ear and drove my tongue into  it. He
could lay there no longer just being docile. He wrapped his arms around  me and
rolled me over on the bed he was on top of me. He was more that hungry he
was starving. He kissed me from my neck to my face and smashed his lips on
mine  forcing his tongue into my mouth dominating me.

 He pushed my arms out to the side and kept them there by just keeping  his
weight on me. He ran his tongue over my chest and sucked my nipples into
his  mouth almost biting them but teasing me more. I was beginning to feel his
saliva  all over my neck it seemed like he was drooling as he continue to
make love to  me with his mouth. He rolled over again and at the same time he
scooted up in  the bed towards the headboard half sitting up and spreading
his legs wide. He  took his cock in his fist angrily and begged me to suck
him. I got on my hands  and knees and crawled in between his legs and dropped
my head into his crotch.  He grabbed the back of my head and shoved his
cock towards my mouth as I lowered  myself towards it. He now had my head in
both of his hands and he was holding it  with force as he fucked my mouth. I
let my saliva coat his organ. I reached my  one hand and grabbed his balls I
held his balls like I was a cock ring around  his sack.  I used pressure
from slight to hard. When I pulled them down he  almost screamed but he bit his
tongue and refrained.

 I could feel his balls trying to pull themselves up to tell his body  that
he was getting ready to let go a volley of his semen. He wanted it
desperately but I didn't want that I wanted that just as he had always given it  to
me. It wasn't going to be any different tonight. I pulled off his cock and
let go of his balls. He bolted to an upright position when I let him go
like  that, he wasn't expecting it. I looked into his eyes and I could see the
disappointment in him that I hadn't let him cum when he had been so close.

 "Come here Studly, I need you to suck my cock for a few minutes I  need
you to get me ready for what I want. I want to give you what you want. You
want to do that?

 "Let's get in the shower and slow down for a minute or two what do  you
say?"

 "You're being wicket but I'm ready to play if you are." He got off  the
bed first and pushed me back down when I attempted to follow him.

 "Wait here until I come back and get you and no touching you cock at  all."
 He leaned down and kissed me. A few minutes later I heard the water
running in the shower and soon after he came out to get me. He came over to the
bed and pulled me up and we walked to the shower without saying anything and
he  opened the door for me and we walked in together.  He placed me in
between  the two showerheads and rinsed me off and then he took the soap and
began to  wash me from my neck to my feet every inch of my body he was washing
with his  hands. And it felt wonderful he stroked my cock with his creamy
soap lathered  hands while his other hand washed my ass and he fingered me
with his soapy  fingers at one point the had three of his fingers in me, as he
stroked my dick.  I was having a hard time standing I held on to him as best
as I could without  falling down. He finally stopped and rinsed me off. He
took the shampoo and with  the short hair that I had he then washed my head.
I was in heaven and was so  hard I wanted to cum so bad but he forbid me to
let me touch myself. When he  finished he wanted me to wash him the same
way. I was more than happy to. I  started with his feet and while I was
washing up his legs I would tease him by  sucking on his dick for a few seconds at
a time. I slowly made my way up his  body and his neck. He was covered in a
heavy lather the longer I washed him and  stroked his cock with both hands.
I made him fuck my fist. He held onto my  shoulders for support and I put
my hands together and let him drill his dick in  and out of my fist he was
working himself into a frenzy almost. I just simply  opened my hands during a
mid thrust towards me. He grasped my shoulders as best  he could and then he
wrapped his arms around me and began kissing me and humping  me with soap
covered body. I got us under the nozzles to rinse it all off. I  washed his
head as he had done mine. The shower was over and we got out and  dried each
other off. He had warmed the towels while we were in the shower. My  body
was on fire and needing release and was his.

 We walked back into the bedroom and he put me in bed and covered me  up
and turned off all the lights but one next to the bed. When he got in he laid
back on his pillow and pulled me to him and I put my head on his chest and
he  put his arm around me. I was almost trembling. I wanted him so badly by
now. He  ran his fingers back and forth and up and down my arms. I rubbed
his stomach and  chest and slowly got lower and lower towards his cock. He was
rock hard when I  pushed my hand down and wrapped my fingers around him. He
moaned in pleasure I  slowly stroked him and masturbated his cock. His
precum was making it slick for  me to keep stroking him. I began to kiss his
nipples and suck on them. He held  me close and tightly against him the more I
stroked him and the more I used my  mouth on his body. I got up and
straddled his body I didn't want to wait anymore  and I wanted to give him what I
could see in his eyes he wanted. I lowered  myself down on to his dick and
reached down and put his cock at the entrance of  my hungry hole. I wanted this
I wanted him inside me more than anything. I felt  the crown of his prick
pop inside me it felt wonderful with him in there. I  lowered myself some
more until I could feel that he was all the way in me. I  felt his head hit
against my prostate and I felt like electricity had been  turned on in my body.
I started to rock back and forth letting his cock rub my  prostate again
and again. I was in heaven and kept rocking back and forth and  side to side.
I began to rise up and down and Steve began to push his cock in to  me, as I
would come back down towards him. He grabbed my cock and began to  stroke
it up and down. He played with my balls with his other hand. My senses  were
on overload this just felt so good I didn't want it to end. I slowed my up
and down motions and just slowly fucked myself on his fucking cock. He
stopped  playing with my cock and reached up and pinched my nipples.

 "Oh Steve this feels so good right now I don't want to stop this  tonight.
"

 "Mike it's been so long I've missed being in you, you feel so good so
tight."

 "Let me get up on want to be on top on you." I got off of Steve and  laid
on my back. I spread my legs and pulled them up and against my chest. He
lined his cock back up and slowly pushed himself into me. The thickness of
his  cock felt so good. He began to drill my ass with his cock.

 "Yes Steve that's it just keep doing that to me. Don't cum yet. Go as
long as you can I just don't want this to end tonight. I want you in me all
night." He leaned down and kissed me passionately and slowly. He kissed my
neck  and I held him as he continued to drill me and make love to me. I could
feel his  urgency quicken as I held him. I could feel the sensation in my
balls letting me  know that I was close to orgasm. I urged him softly in his
ear to keep up his  pace like he was and I kept holding him as close to me as
I could. He kept  whispering in my ear that he loved me and that he didn't
want to lose me again.  He pace was getting quicker and harder and I couldn'
t hold it any longer I felt  it shoot from my balls and out the head of my
cock it soaked my stomach and his  as I emptied myself between us. Steve kept
up his pace but I knew he was going  to cum soon I could feel his body
begin to tense and his muscles in his back  grew taunt as I held them in my
hands. I began to beg him to let go.

 "Give it to me Steve empty it out. Cum in me. Cum hard in me. I want  all
of it in me. Come on Steve Please....." He gave a hard thrust and held
perfectly still and I could feel this cock throb in my ass. And he just held
still not moving but kissing me over and over. I held him to me and let him
just  relax and lay his weight against me. I kept telling him that I loved him
over  and over. I wasn't sure if he was crying or what but if he was
sweating it was  all in his face. As I held him I could feel a dampness that was
more than just  sweat and he was quiet, to quiet. I didn't say anything I just
laid there and  kept my hold on him and he didn't struggle to get up. He
just let me hold him.  We laid there like that for maybe ten or fifteen
minutes. I didn't care. His  cock had come out because he softened while he was
still in me. I put my legs  down and just kept him on top of me. Finally he
rolled off of me to my side but  he didn't' get up. He just stayed there with
me and I held him still. I still  wasn't sure if I should say anything or
not. He wasn't moving and he was holding  on tight it wasn't like him.

 "Hey big man look at me." I took hold of his chin and brought his  face
up so that I could see him and could look in his eyes. I was right he had
been crying not hard and for just a few moments but nonetheless he had  cried.

 "What's the matter? Are you okay?" He looked at me and just nodded  his
head to tell me that he was. This wasn't like him and it did concern me. I
wanted to know what was eating at him. Something was that's for sure for him
to  have cried like that. Especially right after we had a wonderful tender
round of  sex like we had just had.

 "Come on Steve tell me what's eating you, something is wrong. I know  you
don't want to tell me that you cried but you did. I know it's not the
manly  thing to do. But hell look at me. Okay maybe that's a bad example I'll
admit I  have a tendency to go overboard at times. But something got to you,
just tell me  what it is."

 "I can't tell you yet."

 "Why not?"

 "Is it that bad that you can't tell me?"

 "No it's just me. Oh I might as well just say it or you'll keep
wondering. I just had this moment during all that lovemaking and I had a flash
through my head that what if I did lose you what if you don't make it? And I'm
sorry for bringing this up knowing its not really the time for it. But I can
't  help it and I have never had a moment of doubt about you. But this time
I did  and I couldn't handle it if you don't make it Mike. It hasn't been
long enough  for us. It's not fair it's just not fucking fair to you. It's
not fair for us  and I guess maybe I feel like it's not fair to me either."

 "You have every right to feel that way Steve. What do you think that  I don
't realize that this has affected you to? Do you think that I feel I'm the
 only one that has to deal with this fucking sucky ass problem? I've known
from  the beginning that it's you, my mother and father my sister and I'm
not sure  about my brother he has never come to see me but I'm not sure if it'
s about the  gay thing or he can't handle the fact that I have cancer and
could die. It  affects everyone around me, everyone that is part of my life
that either loves  me or has feelings for me. I'm not alone and neither are
you and you have every  right to cry and feel the way you do right now. I'm
surprised you haven't felt  like this before. Or maybe you have and you just
played the part of oh.....I'll be  strong for him and not let him know that I
feel  this certain way." I just  looked at him and waited to see if he
would say anything but he just was silent  with me holding him.

 "Is that what you've been feeling and thinking? Don`t be afraid to  say
that you have it`s okay Steve, really it is."

 "I guess I have been feeling like this for sometime now and you're  right
I haven't wanted to tell you. I did feel like I had to be strong for you
and just keep up that positive front."

 "Well don't think it hasn't helped because it has Steve it has  believe
me. Especially in the beginning."

"I didn't mean to  cry just then but for some reason I just couldn't help
it. It was the way you  just kept telling me that you loved me over and
over; and after all I've done to  you."

 "Hey come on now you can't keep beating yourself up for that.  Remember
its water under the bridge and from this point on we are going to keep
moving forward. I don't want to hear anymore about the Randy thing, it's a done
deal and it's over with. And in a couple of more days we'll hit the next
bridge  we have to cross and go on from there right?

 "I guess you're right."

 "No guessing I'm right, just know that I am."

 "Who was the one that told me about the little voice and which one  they
were going to pay attention to?"  I wanted him back to his way of  thinking
and being positive the way he had been I needed that Steve back. I was  going
to need his support on the next visit because I was worried about it more
than usual this doctors visit coming up. I guess because it marked another
month  closer to the year mark. By the time the appointment time came up my
nerves were  about shot. I was short over everything and I think Steve knew
it and it's why  he didn't say anything or react in anyway. He was just
letting everything slide.  If I did make it out of this and I did pass that year
mark and then maybe a few  more I would have to remember to somehow thank
him for being so patient with me  during all of this and the way I have
behaved with everyone.

 We left that morning for the MRI early today was going to be a long  day.
For some reason the time in between the test and getting the results were
going to be longer that usual. For some reason my appointment was almost four
 hours after the test was over. Usually I had the test and went right to
the  doctor's office for the results and just waited an hour for them to come
and be  read. I don't know what had happened this time. Steve wanted to take
me out for  a long lunch somewhere maybe have a drink or two to kill the
time. I couldn't  make up my mind about doing anything. After sitting in the
hospital for almost  an hour and a half he gave up on the idea of going out
for lunch. He finally  just took my hand and pulled me up off the bench and
made me walk down to the  cafeteria and pick something to eat. I wasn't
hungry I picked at the salad I had  ordered but I didn't eat it. Steve was eating
more of it that I was I finally  just pushed it over to him to eat. He took
my hand in his and held it and tried  to get me to take a deep breath and
relax I flat out told him I couldn't.

 "Come on Mike pretty soon we'll go and you'll see there will be  nothing
and we'll go home and you'll sleep for a while. You've got yourself so
worked up. I'm going to ask Dr. Grisales for a prescription for you something
to  calm your nerves down. And something especially for the day or two before
the  next appointment. You're getting yourself so worked up and you're
getting  yourself so stressed out. The cancer won't kill you but a heart attack
that  you're going to give yourself will." By that last statement and the
way he said  it I knew he was trying to get me to lighten up but I was just
having such a  panic attack over all of this. I didn't know what else to do.
Maybe he was right  and I should ask for something to take for the next
couple of months something  to keep this anxiety down to a dull roar instead of
a run away train that's gong  to crash soon.

 "All right, I'll ask him for something and don't let me forget  because
once he tells me the results I usually just become unglued he's been  leaving
me in his office by myself the last two times. So make sure we ask about
that."

 "Good that's better now do you want to talk a walk maybe? How about  we
go outside and get some fresh air? Better yet let's go to the men's room I
have to pee and then we'll go into one of the stalls and have sex what you
say?"

"Oh my god I can't believe you just said that. Sex you  want to have sex,
here, now? You have lost your mind Steve."

 "What I can't think of a better way to relieve your stress right now
than with sex. Seriously think about it for a few minutes. It'll be great sex
and we'll kill time and have some fun in the process. Come on let's do  it."

 "Get away from me you frickin sex pot maniac."

 "Oh I love that way that sounds it makes me sound so dirty and I  don't
know it makes me feel all sexual inside."  As he saying this he's  rubbing
himself all over his chest and stomach and straining his neck like he's
looking up at the sky. I had to smile I couldn't help it he sounded so
ridiculous and the way he was moving made his actions seem even more idiotic.

 "You're crazy you know that what the hell does that mean? I feel all
sexual inside? What the fuck is that? Where did you get that one from? I`ve
never heard of anything like that in my life." Next thing out of your mouth is
 you're gong to tell me that you feel all giddy inside."

 "Well I don't feel all giddy inside only on the outside my penis is
feeling all giddy now that you mention it. Maybe that's why I feel all sexual on
 the inside. I just heard a news report about this happening with sexually
deprived males who are in their early twenties. So whatever it is I'm sure
it's  a clear indication of needing some kind of sexual release that I know
for sure  that`s what they were saying on the news report I was watching.
They said it's  something that should be addressed immediately because
ignoring it could result  in some kind of mental brain damage. So is it going to be
the bathroom or maybe  the janitors closet of course we could always head
for the car and do it in the  back seat." He had this smile on his face and I
couldn't help but laugh at him  there was just no way around it. Because he'
s still making these motions with  his hands and his face I couldn't help
it he was getting me to loosen up and not  be so stressed. It was a moment
that made me realize why I loved him so. I still  didn't trust him like I use
to but for right now that didn't matter. I didn't  want to think about that
aspect of things right now. I had enough other  problems. Right now all I
could do was laugh at him he was being funny for me.  He grabbed me the hand
and we started walking. So as not to attract attention of  our hand holding
he put his arm around my shoulder and we continued to walk down  the
corridor. The first bathroom we came to he opened the door and pushed me in  before
I had time to protest. The one thing about bathrooms in hospitals is they
usually have locks on them and are meant for one person at a time. He locked
the  door.

 " You`re not serious are you? I thought you were kidding  Steve."

 "Oh hell no I'm totally serious. Now drop you pants I want to suck on
that dick of yours. Come on don't worry the door is locked and we have more
than  an hour and a half before we have to be at the doctors office. So let's
get with  it. Drop those fucking pants Baby I want you and I want you right
now I'm not  kidding you." I did what he said I took my shoes off and took
my pants off. He  was the one that took my shirt off. There I was standing
naked except for my  socks and my erection was doing just what it was
supposed to, rising for the  occasion.

 "That's what I like to see your dick getting hard." Steve had  stripped
his clothes off and was rubbing my chest and arms. He slowly knelt down  and
stuck my prick into his wet mouth. Oh god this felt good. I can't believe we
 were doing this in the bathroom at the hospital. I took his head in my
hands and  held it still while I fucked his face and he willingly sucked on my
prick.

 "Oh yea big boy suck it for me suck my dick good." He was and he was
playing with my balls just as much as he was sucking on my cock. This was a
good  idea it was taking my mind off where I was and why I was here.

 "Oh yea Steve keep doing that oh yea suck me fucking suck me hard."  As
he kept sucking me he got his finger wet with his saliva and started playing
with my ass. He plunged his finger into me while he continued to suck me.
My  knees were getting weak the longer he kept sucking and fingering me. But
I  wasn't going to let him go. I wanted this to last some more.

 "Man Steve your mouth is so hot wrapped around my cock. Don't stop  just
don't stop doing this. Oh god it feels so good....mmmmmm....oh  yea......
.ssososooooo ..." He let go of my saliva dripping cock and stood up and  started
kissing me. He kept kneading my ass with his hands and teasing my hole  with his
fingers. He was making me want him inside me. I started spitting in my  hand
collecting my saliva so that I could wrap my hand around his dick and get
it wet for him to fuck me with that hot fuck stick of his. This was so hot
to be  in here like this. No one knowing what was going on behind this locked
 door.
I dropped my hand down slowly and coated his prick with my saliva and
slowly masturbated him. I kissed him and slipped my tongue into his mouth. I
held his head with my other hand and kept his face where it was. I wanted to
tongue fuck his mouth. I couldn't wait any longer I wanted him inside my ass
and  I wanted it know.

 "Stick it in me Steve jam it up my ass I want it hard and raw." He
pushed me away from him and spun me around.

 "Put your hands on the wall and spread your legs bitch I want that
fucking ass of yours now." He pushed me up against the wall and just like a cop
would do he spread my legs by slightly kicking my legs apart using his. He
ran  his hands down my shoulders and then down my sides as he got closer to
me. He  took the flesh of my ass cheeks and spread them apart. I got feel his
dick as it  got closer to my hole, I could feel the wetness I had given him
with my  spit.

 "Oh God shove it in me Steve just shove that fucking cock of yours  into
my fucking hot cunt." He did just as I begged him to do. It hurt so well.
This is what I needed to not think of my possible impending doom. He was right
 this was the right thing to do. He shoved it in all the way. And he kissed
my  neck while he impaled his cock into my ass and he bit me lightly on my
shoulder.

 "Oh yea fuck me hard Steve fuck me good. Fuck me so I forget it all.  I
need you to slam it into my hole." He paid attention to what I said and began
to bang my ass with his dick. Roughly and hurried he banged the shit out of
me  and I didn't want him to stop. But his savage assault had him excited
and he  wanted to cum and soon.

 "Empty it Steve empty those fucking balls baby shoot your fucking  load in
me. Fucking do it bang me hard." He slammed my body against the wall the
harder he fucked me and I loved it. He was getting close I could hear it in
his  breathing and I felt his urgency of his impending explosion.

 "OOHHH YYEEEAA   and he lost his load inside me. He ground  his body
against mine as his balls emptied out their gift to my ass. He pulled  back some
and took me with him keeping his cock inside me. He stepped back and  took
me with him he reached up and tilted my head so that I was leaning against
his body and my head was on his shoulder. He took my dick in his hand and
started to jerk me off. Slowly and gently he kept stroking me and it felt so
good like this.

 "Oh yea Steve stroke me off your hand feels so good on me. Just  fucking
beat me cock good." He pinched my nipple with the other hand. Man this  was
heaven it just felt so good. He kept stroking me and started going faster. I
knew it wasn't going to take much longer I had been so close when he had
dumped  his load in me. My orgasm was right at the edge.

 "Oh yea keep doing it almost there man so close oh yea do it just  fucking
keep.......Ooooooo" And my balls let loose and shoot against the wall. I
closed my eyes and just let myself be wrapped in his arms. He stood there and
held me up it just felt so good I didn't want to move. But he brought me out
of  my bliss and made me move.

 "Come on now that it's done we need to get cleaned up and get  dressed.
And sneak out of this bathroom. I can't believe you talked me into this  you'
re such a pig Mike." I started laughing and hit him hard in the  shoulder.

 "You have some fuckin nerve telling me I thought of this. Mister I  feel
giddy and all sexual inside. What the fuck was that anyway? Fucking bring  me
in here and fuck my ass like that. Don't even think you'll get this ass
tonight buster. It's going to be off limits for a few hours at least." Both
of  us were laughing as we got ourselves together.

 "All right I'll open the door don't just follow me out let me make  sure
the coast is clear so we don't look to suspicious walking out of here
together." He opened the door and looked down the corridor. He reached in and
took my hand and pulled me out into the hallway with him.

 "Now that's the last time you get to do that in this hospital. I  can't
believe you talked me into letting you fuck in the bathroom. You are such  a
horn dog I swear you really are. And that's the last time I want to hear
about  that all sexual inside and giddy shit, do you hear me? I mean  it!"

"Yeah Yeah whatever you say Babe, yea I know last time,  never happen again...
blah blah blah.."

 "Don't get your smart mouth going you heard what I said that was the
last time you get to do that kind of thing Stephen Alan!" I was trying so hard
not to laugh. I loved every minute of it and wondered where else we could
do it  the next time we were at the hospital and had to sit around and wait
like we did  today.

 "I know what you're thinking. I know what you're thinking." He was
singing it just like a little kid would sing it. I really started to laugh at
him.

 "What am I thinking smart ass?"

 "About the next time we do it here in the hospital." I started to  laugh
even more for him being right. It was like an admission of guilt on my  part.

 "I knew it, you were thinking about it weren't you? Come on tell me  and
be honest." He started half poking me and I couldn't help but laugh with
him.

 "All right you're right I was thinking about where we could do it the
next time we have to wait while we are here. But don't forget we don't have
to  usually wait like this. The most I have to wait ever is like thirty
minutes. So  really there probably won't be a next time."

 "Unless we just come early on purpose Babe."

 "And you call me bad." We just laughed together and kept walking  towards
my judge and jury.

I didn't like the doctor's office.  I'm not sure if it was the way it was
decorated or if it was more about what it  represented to my life, and me
how it had it affected it. Perhaps it was just  that a loathing based on what
it meant in my life. The courtroom and I was being  called in for the
verdict in a few minutes. Same as last month and the month  before and so on and
so on. Will I be here next month wondering the same  thing?

 "Come on Mike don't look so down it's going to be fine you'll see. I
know what you're thinking you've told me so this isn't the courtroom like you'
re  thinking it's just the doctors office and we'll be out of her within
another say  thirty minutes." Within a few seconds of him saying that the
nurse called me  into his office. The pit in stomach was getting worse.

 "Hello gentlemen I'm glad to see you both here. I think it's  important
that you two stay together through this. I think it's important to  have all
the support you can get Mike. I wasn't too happy the past couple of  times
when you showed up here alone. I'm happier that you're both like I said. I
know you don't like waiting Mike so I won't keep you hanging, you're fine.
The  MRI is clear there's nothing showing anything. Not even a small piece.
I still  want you to be on guard for symptoms as we have discussed. But this
is looking  better with each visit you make here. We'll keep these visits
month to month for  two more. Then I think we can go to everything other
month for a year. How's  that sound?" The only thing I heard him say was the
MRI was clear anything after  that I didn't hear a thing out of his mouth I
only saw the movement of lips.  Steve is the one that brought me back to
reality.

 "Mike! Mike! Listen to me."

 "Huh? What? Oh yea. What is it?"

 "You're okay everything is clear from the test did you hear  that?"

 "I heard that part Steve I heard that much I didn't hear anything  else."
He filled me on the appointment schedule for the following months. We got
up from the doctors off and were out the door. I just keep playing it over
in my  head and thinking I had another month to wait again just to wait again
and we  made it about ten or so steps and I hit the ground.

 "Come on Mike! Snap out of it you're fine. It's okay come on Mike  wake
up!" I felt him shaking me and I opened my eyes to see Steve and the Doctor
both by my side. The emotional release of finding out this time was an
overload  of relief. I had put myself under so much stress. The doctor brought me
back  into his office.

 "You do need something I think for the stress if this is what you're
going to do. How long has it been like this that you get yourself this stressed
 out Mike?'

 "The past couple of visits have been pretty rough. The last one I  cried
for twenty minutes after you told me. I admit that I can barely sleep a  day
or two before this MRI test has to be done. I did want to talk to you about
it but after you gave us the news I just wanted to get out of here and go
home.  So I forgot and I see Steve did the same thing. I told him to remember
about  asking you for something." I felt disconnected from things like I
wasn't really  even sitting here having this conversation. But I sat there
with Steve and went  through the motions of things and we went home with a few
new prescriptions for  me to take to help my nerves and one to take just a
few days before the MRI was  coming due.