Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2010 13:16:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: TCW <alittlemorethanuseless@yahoo.com>
Subject: The Course of Hours 3

Tom:

I really wish I had thought this out beforehand.  But in my defense, I
never imagined this outcome.  Okay, maybe I did imagine this outcome, and
maybe I thought this may have been an easier way to go about it. But, as
usual, I was wrong.  I really hope Levi isn't too mad at me, I don't think
I could handle that on a lot of levels.  Ever since things had started to
get serious with Jeff, I knew I would have to eventually tell them, but I
wanted to put it off as long as I could.  I really wasn't an expert at
coming out to my kids.  I'm really not an expert at coming out to anyone.
The only people I've ever properly told about that side of me was my
roommate in college (who happened to be the first guy I was ever sexual
with), my brother-in-law, and my wife.

Oh, Sarah.  That had been an easy one though, mainly because she knew
before we even started dating, seeing as we met through her brother, who I
was seeing at the time.  Well, maybe seeing was a bit strong. The guy I was
fucking around with is probably a bit more truthful.  Don't get me wrong,
we had feelings for each other, they just weren't very romantic ones, at
least not on my side of things.  And then I met Sarah and things changed.
See, I'm bisexual; well I guess I am if we must label it.  And Sarah was
definitely the love of my life, that she was a woman was inconsequential.
I loved her more than anything, and then when we had Levi, I knew I was
complete.  I'd only had one girlfriend before her, and no boyfriends, well,
unless you count her brother, but we weren't properly "dating".  But I
always knew, even when I was younger, that I was attracted to other boys,
but I was attracted to girls too, so that made it easier to hide.

But how could I tell this to Levi?  I should have gone to him earlier and
explained as soon as I knew I had feelings for Jeff.  But things are
complicated; I didn't want him to react badly, even though I knew he would
be okay in the end.  I wasn't so much worried about Noah and Naomi.  I had
more than a feeling that Noah was gay, he had as much as told me three
months ago when he had a breakdown about a boy named Tad in his class.  And
Naomi was only just starting the seventh grade and had already made it
known that she was on the search for a gay best friend.  I chuckled at the
irony then, but now it was different.  Somehow I felt a bit guilty, like I
had somehow cursed my family for my own indiscretions, but I knew that was
a load of shit.  And I was worried about Levi because I knew he was the
most sensitive of my three children.  I knew it would be hard, but I hadn't
figured he would be quite as vocal about his opposition.

I was hurt.  And I deserved it.

I swirled the blue paint around on the canvas.  I had been working on a
nice abstract piece that had previously expressed my joy over finding Jeff,
but over the past hour had instead turned into a massive vortex of blues,
purples, and ominous grays.  Maybe somewhere deep inside I wished I could
just fall into that hole and disappear, but I knew that was wholly
impossible.  I stepped back and looked at the painting in disgust.  It was
nothing more than a mess, I could possibly salvage it, but not in this
mood.  I laid my brush down and slumped into the oversized chair in my
studio.  From the chair I looked out the window and up the hill to where my
house sat.  I had designed the house to be a piece of art, but Sarah had
thought it ostentatious.  She was probably right.  It was a bit much.  But
it was beautiful.  The light in Levi's room was still on, and it was the
only one, except for the light in the kitchen.  I looked down at my
watch. 12:01.  Hmm.  I wonder what he is thinking up there.  Is it about
me?  Does he hate me? Will he ever be alright with this?  God, I need to
talk to him.  But, I am afraid.  Forty years old and I'm afraid of a
fourteen year old.  It was easy explaining it to Noah and Naomi earlier in
the evening after Levi's outburst.  They took it pretty well.  They didn't
say they hated me, in fact they both said they loved me very much.  And
Noah was crying.  I can only guess as to why.  Maybe he'll make it official
soon enough.  But I know it won't be before everything is sorted out with
Levi.  Noah loves his big brother very much and probably couldn't take Levi
not speaking to him, although I doubt Levi would be anything but supportive
of him, after all, he wasn't his dad. Ughhh.

I need to get my mind off of all this.  Nothing is going to happen tonight
with Levi.  He didn't answer the door for me earlier, and he refused to
talk to me when he finally allowed Naomi through the barrier.  So I left it
alone.  We'd have to talk tomorrow, any longer than that and things could
probably get ugly.

I suddenly heard my phone chime.  Text message.  I rummaged through some
sketchbooks I had been working with earlier until I found my phone and read
the text.  It was from Jeff.  I instantly lightened.  Something about that
guy made me feel like a giddy schoolgirl with her first crush.  Not to
mention the fact that he was my first relationship since my wife died and
my only real relationship with a man.  So the feelings I was having scared
me a bit, but not enough to keep me from knowing what I wanted.  I quickly
called him, needing to hear his voice.

"Hello." He said it like he had no idea who I was.

"Hey Jeff, it's me."  He had to know it was me.  I was programmed into his
phone as Hottest Man On The Planet.  And he had texted me only three
minutes ago.

"I'm sorry, who?" I could hear the joke in his voice.

"You're not amusing, Jeff."

"Who is this?"

"Stop! I'm serious.  We need to talk."

"Uh oh. Sounds serious."  He still had a hint of joking in his voice.

"Really Jeff.  I'm sorry about Levi earlier, I should have told them about
us, about me, earlier.  I shouldn't have invited you over without letting
them know just what we were."

"What are we?"

"I don't know.  Friends?" Now I was being cheeky.

"Ha-ha. Seriously Tom. I like you a lot, and you're not the only one who
should be sorry, but we've never really established what we are. I'd like
to be your boyfriend, but you've never exactly gone as far as to say that
you're ready for that next step."

"I know...But I am.  And after tonight, I know it.  I'm sorry for how Levi
acted, but he'll come around.  I haven't felt this positive about something
in a long time.  You're worth the risk."

"Hmph.  You're a bit mushy, aren't you?"

"Sorry, I've just been thinking a lot."

"Don't be sorry, I love it when you're mushy."

"I want to see you tomorrow.  Sometime I have to talk to Levi, and
eventually go check something out at the office, but I definitely want to
see you."

"Alone?"

"Maybe." He chuckled.

"Playing hard to get?"

"Will it work?"

"At this point, anything will work...Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"I know.  And I understand, I guess.  I'll call you tomorrow?"

"Okay.  I'll be waiting."  And he hung up.

I knew it was hard for Jeff, us not being intimate.  We'd barely kissed.  I
liked him a lot, but it had been years since I'd been with a man, and part
of me still felt guilty because of Sarah.  But she was dead, and I was
moving on.  Hmmph.  It wasn't working out too well.  Maybe Levi was more
upset about that.  Maybe that I was seeing another man wasn't as big a deal
as that I was seeing someone period.  But I wasn't sure.  I'd have to talk
to him.  Why does that have to seem so hard?

I slowly walked through the back yard and up the stairs to the upper deck.
Through the kitchen window I could see Levi sitting at the table with his
back facing me.  Should I approach him? I didn't want to make things worse.
I only wanted to talk, maybe explain, and at least clear the air.  I slowly
walked through the screen porch and into the living room.  He looked up and
over towards me, I couldn't see the look on his face as he was partly in
the dark.  He looked back down at his bowl of ice cream and ignored me.  I
decided I'd get something and sit down at the table as well, hopefully he'd
talk first.  I figured that since he hadn't bolted for the stairs yet,
there might be some hope.  I fixed a bowl of grapes and sat at the farthest
seat from him.  He acted like he hadn't seen me.  We sat there for about
five minutes before anything was said.

"So, you're queer now?" His voice startled me.  It wasn't angry, but low,
almost a whisper.

"Levi, I wish you wouldn't say that."

"But are you?" he asked again, with a little more force.

"I guess you could say that."

"What would you say?" I needed a different approach, his voice sounded
angrier.

"Does it matter?" Okay, maybe not the best response.

"Yeah. "  And he was silent for a while. Then, almost silently, "Did she
know?"

I knew he was talking about his mom.  How could I explain all that to him?
It was sixteen years in the past, buried beneath a lifetime with the most
beautiful woman in the world.  Not to mention Jake, he'd put us behind him
too.  He was married and had kids.  How could I explain to Levi that his
uncle and I had been fuck buddies and his mother knew all about it and
loved me anyway?

"Yes."

"Why did you marry her if you were queer?"

"It isn't that simple.  I loved your mother; I still love her, that'll
never change.  And she knew all about it, and she accepted that, because
she knew I loved her and would never betray her."

"So you're bisexual?"

"Yes."

"Okay.  How did she know? Did you tell her?"

"I didn't have to...Levi, I want to be honest with you.  I know it must be
hard finding out the people you love aren't who you always thought they
were.  But I am still your father, I haven't changed.  I've been this way
my whole life.  And I'm going to tell you something, but you have to
promise for it to be between you and me.  I want to trust you, and you have
to trust me. Okay?"

I could see him thinking, and I could see in his eyes he was worried of
what I was going to say, but curious too.  I think it was then that I knew
that he was okay, and that we would be okay.

"Okay."

"Okay, good.  Well, I'll just jump straight into it then. Your Uncle Jake
and I met at a party in Athens.  He was going to UGA and I was visiting
some friends.  We...well we hit it off really good.  He was my first real
boyfriend, if you want to call it that.  But neither of us was out, and he
was at UGA and I was in Atlanta at ACA and we would visit each other on the
weekends.  I think he was in love with me, but I was honestly new to the
whole gay thing and so I couldn't be what he wanted. "

"Uncle Jake is gay?!" he looked surprised.  And a little confused.

"Yeah. He only married Maggie because he didn't want your grandfather to
find out."

"Does Maggie know?"

"No.  And she won't until Jake tells her, or he gets caught.  But we can
talk more about Jake later."

I think he understood where I was going with this.

"So is that how you met mom? Through Uncle Jake?"

"Yes.  I was visiting your grandparents house that summer and she caught
Jake and I f- messing around.  She was disgusted at first.  Not so much at
us being together, more of what she saw."

"Oh." His face looked blank.  Maybe I shouldn't have been so forward.

"Well, your mother and I started to get to know each other, and the rest is
history, so to speak.  I loved your mother very much, and I never wanted
anyone other than her."

"What about Uncle Jake?"

"He was really upset at first.  He blamed your mother for stealing me away.
He wouldn't talk to us for months, but he eventually found someone new.
And now he won't even acknowledge that anything ever happened between us."

"Why?"

"He's afraid.  Joey found out about one of his boyfriends and he threatened
to tell your grandparents and everyone else, and three months later he was
engaged to Maggie.  He never mentions any of it.  And he won't talk about
us, or anything.  But I know he still messes around.  Someone like him just
doesn't give it up. "

"I can't believe it.  He is so..."

"I know."

"He's said horrible things about gay people."

"I know."

"I'm sorry, Dad.  I didn't mean those things I said earlier.  I don't hate
you.  I was just scared and confused and... Oh, I don't know."  He hung his
head.  I got up and moved into the seat next to him.

"Levi, I know.  This is a big change.  But I am still me, but now you know
me better, and you're still you.  I don't even know what is going to
happen.  But we'll take it a little at a time. And I'm sorry about
tonight. I shouldn't have invited them over without telling you first."
And I hugged him.

"I'm just scared."

"I know.  Me too.  But we can be scared together."

And he smiled.