Date: Mon, 11 Feb 2013 23:30:34 +0000
From: S Kay <s.watkins@live.co.uk>
Subject: With Regret Chapter 11

I pulled up outside Jacob's dads and gave Jacob a quick text to say I was
waiting.

Moments later he was running from the house, his head ducked down to
shelter his face from the rain. With a gasp, he jumped into the seat beside
me slamming the car door.

"Fuck its cold!" He exclaimed, as he flipped down the passenger mirror from
the roof. He began quickly running his fingers through his hair, to try and
reshape it after the water had flattened it.

As he continued with his hair attempting to spike it up, I quietly stared
at him. I was in awe of his pretty face, lit up by those shiny green eyes.

My gaze wandered down his body, slowly, appreciating everything I no longer
had full access to.

A stylishly casual shirt, with the sleeves rolled up and kept in place with
a button, seemed to emphasise his slim tanned arms, especially against the
white fabric.  There was a small design on the left pec; black woven eagle
with the words `Ranger' underneath.

His clothes used to always fit perfectly, but his shirt looked a little
loose.

-Has he lost weight?

As I looked down at his thighs, involuntarily licking my lips, as I
remembered the last time they were wrapped around my waist, I could see he
was wearing the pair of jeans I'd bought him for his last birthday.  I
could never forget how the contrast coloured stitching always took my gaze
to his crotch.

My eyes darted back up to his face when I saw he'd stopped messing with his
hair and had relaxed back into the seat.

He slowly turned to look at me, and then allowed our eyes to lock together
intensely.

I brought my hand up to rest it on his cold, damp cheek. His glistening
pupils had grown large and I swear I saw his lip quiver for a second.

Jacob didn't pull away from my touch, so I leant in to kiss him. I craved
to taste the distinct flavour of his tongue, and to rub my lips gently into
his.

-I was so close.

"Phil." He croaked, his voice already broken. Jacob jerked his head away,
sending a stab of pain into my gut.

I took my hand away from him, and sat back into my seat with a groan.

"Jacob." I sighed inwardly.

I realise I had no right to be frustrated with him, but damn I needed
something to work with and he was giving me nothing.

The empathy I should have felt sooner emerged when I saw a tear leave his
eye, trickling slowly down the side of his nose.

"Sorry." I whispered, before turning so I was sat at the wheel
properly. "So, where we going?"

"Hunters." He responded bluntly, causing me to sigh again.

"If you insist."

Of course I wanted to argue the idea with him, drill into him that going to
Hunters was a terrible idea. I could literally imagine how the evening
would go; Jacob would start by asking questions about the men he would see
there; whether I'd been with them, if they were any good.

Then he would probably `threaten' to get with someone himself as revenge,
but knowing Jacob, he wouldn't be able to go through with it.

And then the night would be topped with an argument about my cheating, with
a `how could you' and `why' thrown in.

Yep, tonight was going to be fucking wonderful.

~*~

On the journey to Hunter's, a jolt aggressively hit my stomach –I'd
forgotten to take the stash of condoms and cigarettes out of the glove box.

-Shit, please don't open it Jacob, it's the last thing you need to see.

I kept glancing over at him, checking for whether he was going to open it
or not. I couldn't think of a reason he would have for needing to go in
there, but I worried nonetheless.

-What if he suddenly decides to try and find some gum or something?

Fortunately, he just spent the whole of the fifteen minute drive staring
out the window, watching the rain crash against the glass.

My stomach continued to churn when we pulled up outside Hunters. It looked
seedier than ever now that he knew the significance of the place.

It sat between two other bars, bars which were not renowned for being full
of sex-hungry men.

Hunters from the outside, looked like a typical brick building, with a bay
window –except for the window being dressed with posters advertising
anything and everything- to hide what went on inside.

Keeping the car ticking over, I turned to Jacob, who was now staring hard
at the place.

"You still wanna do this?" I asked, inadvertently sounding moody.

He nodded. So I turned the key to kill the engine, and got out the car. I
couldn't help myself from slamming the car door shut behind me.

I refused to look at Jacob as I walked round the car and met him on the
path. I heard him take a deep breath though, before taking a firm hold of
my hand.

I felt every muscle in my chest tighten, trapping a breath in my lungs for
a few moments.

-Could this mean something?

I gently squeezed his sweaty hand; as I looked down to see it locked with
mine.

"Let's get over –I mean over with, let's get this over with." Jacob
stifled out, his voice dry.

He then pulled his hand away from mine.

My fingers remained stretched out for a moment, before they slowly curled
back into my palm.

I sighed as I watched Jacob walk on before me, his cologne still lingering
in the air. I inhaled it deeply, as though it would wash away my
disappointment.

-I miss you so much...

My head was bowed as I made my way inside, especially as I immediately
recognised several guys.

-Fuck, please don't come over and talk to me.

The place was dark, and busy, which it usually was every night. The soft,
dimmed lighting creating floods of shadows throughout the room.

I tapped my fingers on the bar as soon as we approached it, my nails making
a dull noise against the wood.  I purposely avoided looking at Jacob as he
stood close by my side, our shoulders touching.

The sweat surfacing on my forehead tickled, but my stiff arms refused to
wipe the sheen away.

"Two buds please." I ordered to the barman, who I'd shamefully been with
once.

The barman came back with the cold beers and with a thud placed them on the
bar in front of Jacob and me. Once he'd given me my change he then winked
at me.

-Hope Jacob didn't see that...

I felt Jacob create some distance between us, so I reluctantly turned to
face him as I took a generous swig of my beer. He was already glaring at
one particular person.

When I followed his gaze I saw John.

-Fuck.

My teeth dug into my bottom lip, and my already uneasy stomach tensed.

Jacob was breathing loudly through his nose, sounding like a buffalo ready
to charge. I slowly forced my eyes to look at him, despite the heat it
caused to flood to my cheeks.

His mouth was locked shut, making his lips look thinner and the cupid bow
shape of them less prominent.

I flinched when Jacob spun around to face me directly. His glare now aimed
at me with dead, cold eyes.

"You gonna tell me who else in here you've fucked then?" He snarled "apart
from John, obviously. We both know you've shagged that."

-Jesus, where had my Jacob gone?

"We're not having that conversation." I stated boldly, despite the tremor
in my chest and throat.

"Just tell me." He hissed, as he straightened himself up. "I have a fucking
right to know."

"And this is why you wanted to come here, is it? So I could point out
exactly who I've been with and tell you every detail about what we did
together? Because that isn't happening. That's not gonna achieve anything
Jacob, it will just upset you."

"I'm already upset Phil! I doubt –"

"Exactly!" I snapped, though keeping the volume of my deepened tone down to
avoid attracting attention. "You're already hurting enough, so why add to
it? Why do this to yourself?"

Jacob's head and shoulders slumped as he turned away from me.

With a sigh I ran my fingers through my hair, letting my nails scratch my
scalp as I did so.

"I'm off for a piss." Jacob said as he put his beer on the bar.

I took the opportunity to glance around the room; now that I knew I
couldn't be questioned about anything.

John was no longer in sight, but I spotted four other guys I'd been
with. One of which had been back to our home once when I knew Jacob was
working late.

I never usually took much notice when seeing guys I'd slept with before,
but now that I was, I could see I seemed to go for a `type'. I'd always
gone for someone –apart from the odd occasion- who were my age,
confident borderline cocky and fairly muscular, or at least with strong
broad shoulders.

Feeling someone tap on my shoulder, I slowly turned to see who it was
–expecting to be about to tell someone I wasn't looking to hook up.

Wide-eyed, I stared at John before me.

"Man what are you doing? You can't talk to me now, Jacob's here."

He grinned; straightaway reminding me of why I first got with him.

"I know, I saw. Just wanted to say sorry about how things went down, and
sorry I didn't stick around to help sort things, but it was pretty
awkward."

"I don't think you sticking around would have helped matters." I chuckled,
"And sorry for being so cold towards you, but, well, I was angry. At
myself, obviously." I added with raised eyebrows.

"Ha, well, I had my part to play. I knew full well you were with
someone. You two managed to sort things out?"

"Nope. He won't even come back home. We're still trying to get back on
track, but we've a long way to go yet."

"Well, I hope things improve for you guys soon. Anyway, I'll leave you to
it before he `catches' me talking to you." John winked at me with a smile.

"See ya." I chuckled as we wandered off.

I could feel my body heating up, and I took a deep breath to try and ease
the pressure on my heart.

-Why the hell did Jacob need us to come here.

As I put my beer on the bar, my foot tapped restlessly on the floor. I
hated the floor. It was wooden but sticky –you could literally feel the
tug of dried-up spilt drinks on your shoes.

I looked across to the corner of the room, where the doors to the toilets
were, waiting to see Jacob.

When he came through the door, I noticed he looked paler than usual, yet
his lips were still full of colour.

"You ok?" I asked when he approached me, bringing a hand up to place on his
shoulder. His gaze was everywhere but on me as he rubbed the back of his
neck. "Jacob?"

His cheeks were deepening in colour, though they were passing the point of
a natural glow and instead turning red.

"I err. Phil. I'm sorry, but I. I..." He finally glanced at me as he
trailed off, his bottom lip quivering and his eyes wet.

I couldn't stop my throat from tightening, and a shudder swept through my
body bringing back the unsettled sensation in my stomach.

"Jacob, what is it?" My voice as close to breaking as his.

He tried to quickly run off, but I grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

Before I opened my mouth to speak he'd already blurted it out:

"I kissed someone in the toilets."

I stared at him as my mouth fell open.

-How could you..?

Jacob's arm slipped from my grasp, and I slowly put my hand to my stomach;
as though it would nurse the churning going on inside.

My legs were trembling, but I managed to stand up and push past Jacob to
make my way outside.

-I need some air. I can't breathe...

I stumbled as the bitter-cold wind overwhelmed me.

I took a deep breath, in an attempt to ease the sensation of my lungs being
crushed.

Water quickly streamed down my face from the heavy rain.

I leant back against the wall staring hard at the floor, my eyes flooded to
the point I could barely see. I soon heard Jacob beside me. His voice
–his tears- confirming he'd meant what he said.

"Phil I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Jacob, sounding like a kid apologising to his parents, was so forgivable it
melted by heart.

"It's ok." I choked, before looking up at him. He was already soaked from
the rain; his shirt almost see-through as it stuck to his skin. "It's not
your fault."

"Of course it is I just cheated! How can it be ok? I just cheated on you
Phil. I cheated." He cried.

A burning pain blistered through my chest and stomach. I stopped leaning
and stood before him.

"I did this to us." I said quietly. My body had gone limp at the
realisation. ""Look at what I've done to you. You would never have just
kissed a stranger if it weren't for me, you're not like that.

I've changed you."

"No." Jacob whimpered. "I thought I wanted to hurt you. But I don't. I
thought I hated you, but I just can't.

I love you so much Phil. I'm sorry."

I stepped towards him, our bodies noticeably shivering from the cold air
against our wet skin.

"You're so beautiful, you know Jacob?" I said softly bringing my hands up
to hold his face.

I stroked his tear stained cheeks with my thumbs. "Even when you cry, you
look beautiful."

"Why aren't you angry Phil?" A tremble in his voice. "Why aren't you
shouting at me? Telling me it's over? Anything?"

"Because I deserve this. I deserve to hurt like this Jacob." I croaked.

To stop myself from sobbing, I quickly pressed my lips to his. Streams of
water dripping down our lips as we kissed.

-I don't deserve you Jacob, I never have...



To be continued...



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