Date: Thu, 11 Oct 2012 23:16:03 +0100
From: S. W <s.watkins@live.co.uk>
Subject: With Regret Chapter 5

Chapter 5

A strangled `errr' escaped my lips as I realised what I'd just said.

"John isn't the only guy you've cheated on me with?" He questioned,
sounding shaky and stunned. "You've been fucking other people too?"

I wish I could have confidently lied and said he was, but no words would
escape my mouth. Instead it gaped open, fuelling the look of guilt on my
face.

Jacob's tears dried up and he started to sound angry and bitter.

"How many `others' are there Phil? How many other guys have you been
fucking behind my back?"

"Jacob, please." I croaked as my tears began to return.

"Just fucking tell me Phil, how many?"

I wanted to try and convince him that John was the only guy, but I knew it
would be pointless. Jacob wasn't stupid, he knew me well enough to know
when I was blatantly lying. I could be a convincing liar when prepared, but
not when put on the spot like this.

Jacob was glaring at me waiting for an answer, an answer that could quite
possibly destroy everything between us forever.



"I don't know..." I uttered quietly.

"What?" He choked with disbelief. "You don't know? Why, because you can't
remember or because there's been that many?"

"Both." I choked out tearfully.

I was genuinely shocked at my own honesty. And I felt fucking devastated
too. I couldn't imagine how this must be making Jacob feel and it was going
to be extremely difficult to try and stop him from leaving me for good...

Jacob stared at me with a face full of absolute shock.

He then covered his mouth as he let out a sob and darted out the room.

"Jacob." I wept as I rushed after him, "Jacob listen please."

He sounded like he could barely breathe as he sobbed heavily and shouted at
me to fuck off.

I took hold of his arm and spun him around before forcing him into my arms
for a hug. I expected to be pushed away but instead Jacob collapsed into my
arms, crying his absolute heart out. He weakly clutched at my top and
buried his face into my shoulder as we both lowered to the floor onto our
knees.

We both sobbed, as I held onto him as tight as I could, fearing he wouldn't
allow me to be this close to him again.

I didn't ever want to let go of him.

I savoured his smell, and the warmth of his body as it leant into mine. I
even appreciated the feel of his soft hair as I clutched lightly at it.

I thought about all the other little things I loved about him too, from the
smoothness of his skin to his amazing cheerful energy that he constantly
expelled.

I tried to keep a hold of Jacob as he suddenly tried to pull away.

"Jacob." I whispered tearfully. "I love you so much."

"Get off me." He wept. "I can't do this Phil...you have no idea how much
you've hurt me."

"I never wanted to hurt you." I cried. "It was just sex Jacob, just
meaningless sex. I've not had feelings for any of the men I've been with."



Jacob managed to free himself of my grasp and got up to his feet. I wrapped
my arms around his legs and wept into them.

I had never felt so scared and desperate in all my life.

"I can't lose you Jacob, please." I cried. "You're my world Jacob. Please
don't leave me, please."

I'd become a poor excuse for a man as I begged on my knees for him to stay,
refusing to release my hold of his legs.

But it didn't matter to me how undignified I was being; life without Jacob
wasn't worth bearing about.

I needed him to stay.

"How an earth am I supposed to stay Phil?" He sobbed. "Tell me? How am I
supposed to be able to trust you again? To believe you actually love me? To
believe I'm good enough?"

"Because I'll spend every minute, of every day, showing you how much I love
you, and how perfect you are. I'll do whatever it takes to show you can
trust me. I'll never leave your sight; you can have my phone, my car or
whatever you want. I'll do whatever you need me to do Jacob to prove I'll
never look at another man again." I pleaded.



After a few moments I let go of his legs and slowly stood to my feet.

The pain in my heart and stomach was unbelievable, and utterly exhausting.

I held Jacob's face and we both rest our foreheads against one another's as
we continued to cry weakly.

"Please don't give up on us." I whispered.

Jacob abruptly stepped away from me, denying me of anymore physical
contact.

"How dare you say that!" He spat. "Me give up on us? You're the one that
gave up on us by cheating! By fucking around with what sounds like anyone
and everyone!"

"I'm sorry." I uttered tearfully. "Please, can we just...talk?"

Jacob looked as though he was pondering the thought, as he just stood
before me taking a few deep breaths.

"Ok." Jacob said tearfully. "But only because I have questions." He then
stormed past me to go to the kitchen.

I followed him through and saw him take a bottle of vodka out the
freezer. In silence he poured two glasses and passed one to me, which I
gratefully accepted.

I definitely needed a stiff drink, and so did Jacob by the looks of it as
he took a big gulp.

The silence continued as we both just stood there drinking our vodka.

We rarely drank vodka, usually preferring a glass of wine or a cold beer to
relax with. I remembered from about six months ago, that we were both a bit
bored one night so decided to try a random drinking game. It was something
stupid like we had to down a shot of vodka every time a certain word was
said on South Park (and we don't even particularly like South Park!). I had
to drink to the word `fuck' and Jacob had the word `shit'. Fair to say we
were both wasted after one episode but it was a good laugh.

I smiled inwardly at the fond memory of us, before reality came back when I
glanced across at Jacob: tears streaming down his face while staring out
the window.

"Wanna go sit down in the living room?" I asked quietly so not to startle
him, as he looked deep in thought.

He just nodded, so I turned around and led the way as he followed.



We sat next to each other, which I massively appreciated of Jacob, as the
closer the better. I didn't want him creating any more distance by doing so
physically.



"You said you had questions." I almost whispered, before finishing my
vodka. The heat of it in my throat and chest was somewhat comforting.

I placed my empty glass on the coffee table, and then watched Jacob do the
same before he spoke.

"I need you to be honest with me Phil. With whatever I ask you." He said
with a hint of desperation in his voice. "I don't know if I'll be able to
believe a word you say, but I still need you to promise you'll be honest
with me."

"I promise Jacob." I uttered. "No more lies."

And I meant it. Especially as I somehow felt I'd already told him the
worst; the fact that there was more than just one man I'd cheated on him
with.

"When...when were you cheating? You rarely went out...?" He said with
disbelief.

I figured it might be worth mentioning the gay bar right about now...

"I finish work at four." I blurted out quickly before I could change my
mind.

"What?" He spat.

"I go to this...bar...after work." I choked out sheepishly. "That's where
I've met the guys I've slept with...including John..."

Fuck fuck fuck. No going back now.



I sat there tensed up as I awaited Jacob's reaction. There was no denying I
was utterly terrified.

He was sat there looking mortified while staring into thin air.

I felt seriously nauseous; how could I ever forgive myself for everything
I'd done to him.

"I...you..." He stammered tearfully. "Why...where? Why?"

"At Hunters...I went after work for a drink one day, and I ended
up...hooking up with someone." I admitted. "I was stressed and I suppose I
just wanted some...fun."

"Do I bore you or something?" He spat. "Why not come and talk to me? Have
fucking `fun' with me?"

 "I should have." I croaked as the tears began to flow. "I just liked...the
excitement of it."

I sounded so pitiful. And hearing out loud my excuse for cheating on
Jacob...it sounded so fucking ridiculous. How an earth did I think a bit of
fun with strangers could be worth this? Hurting the love of my life,
utterly breaking his heart.

"The fucking `excitement' of it?" He continued bitterly. "What, so you
enjoyed cheating on me? Do I mean that little to you?"

"I didn't mean it like that." I wept. "You're my world Jacob. I hate myself
for what I've done, I really do."

"Not as much as I hate you." He muttered under his breath.

"You don't mean that." I whimpered while taking a hold of his hand.

He bowed his head and put a hand over his face as he started to cry
quietly.

"I wish I did Phil." He wept. "I wish I could hate you. You have no idea
how much you're hurting me. I never thought you could hurt me like this. I
don't even have the energy to be angry right now. I just want the pain to
stop."



After that I said something really stupid. At that moment I thought it
would help matters, bring him closer to me and soothe his pain. But instead
it's as though I flicked a switch; suddenly turning him into an angry and
bitter man.

I leaned my head onto his shoulder and buried my face in his neck. For a
few moments I just stayed like that, enjoying his smell and his
warmth. Jacob then even rested his face against mine.

I honestly thought we were getting somewhere.

Well, maybe we were until I opened my fucking mouth.

"Come to bed with me." I whispered.

I hadn't meant it seductively or anything. I wasn't implying we have sex I
literally just wanted to hold him, to try and show him how much I
desperately loved him.

But Jacob quickly jerked away from me and stood up, and he alarmed me with
the fury in his voice.



"Is that all you fucking care about?" He spat. "Sex? I'm telling you how
fucking fucked up I feel and all your wanting to do is try it on?"

"No Jacob." I said with urgency.

"Is that all our relationship has ever been to you? Just about the sex?
Have I meant nothing more to you over the years?" He continued angrily.

I stood up to confront him. It was unbelievably hurtful to hear him say
that, to really suggest that our relationship wasn't special and about how
much we adored each other.

"How can you even say that Jacob?" I said tearfully. "I love you with all
my heart, and if we never had sex I'd still feel that way. I'd still want
to spend forever with you."

"How can you love me Phil?" His voice clearly breaking as his eyes
moistened. "You've been lying to me for god knows how long, so you can hook
up with people at some seedy bar! You've gone through the effort of saying
you finish work at a different time, just so you can have fucking sex on a
daily basis with everyone else except me! You haven't just gone out and
done something in the heat of the moment, you've actually...planned it."

I didn't say anything. What an earth could I say? Jacob stood before me
falling apart, tears streaming down his face as he told himself every
painful thing I'd done.

"And that wasn't even enough for you was it...after sex at that bar you
still wanted more. So you bring people back here...to what was supposed to
be our home. We'd worked so hard for this place, to have a home together,
and you treat it like some fucking...I don't know...brothel or something."

I was sobbing by this point. Hearing the pain in Jacob's voice was
excruciating, and so was hearing just how awful I'd actually been. I'd been
so caught up in it all that I didn't realise just how unbelievably selfish
I'd been. I had no idea how much I was cheating, as stupid as that sounds.

I stepped forward and held Jacob's face before resting my forehead against
his. We had our eyes closed and I savoured the physical closeness.

"Why have you done this to me Phil?" He wept painfully. "Why haven't I been
enough?"

"You are enough." I wept back. "I don't know why I've done this. I wish I
could take it all back Jacob, I can't face you leaving me...I can't handle
the thought of living without you by my side."

He continued to cry, and I could hear the anguish in his voice.

"I can't bare the thought of losing you either..." He uttered.



To be continued...



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