Date: Wed, 12 Dec 2012 01:06:45 +0000
From: S. W <s.watkins@live.co.uk>
Subject: With Regret Chapter 8

With Regret, Chapter 8

Relief had flooded through me. This had to mean something, it just had
to. Surely, if there was no future left between us, he wouldn't have asked
for me to kiss him; he wouldn't have let me make love to him. We'd clutched
at each other tightly, kissing each other hard, him showing me he'd missed
our closeness as much as I had. I hoped I'd been able to make him feel
loved, and believe that every ounce of compassion in me was meant for him –
and him only.

Gazing at him, as his head lay on my chest, I took in every detail. His
soft, full lips, his sharp cheekbones which structured his face into a
beautiful one, and his eyes...those incredible eyes which, even while
closed, were amazing, with their long, feathery eyelashes.

I couldn't believe how much I loved him. We made the perfect team, which
was proven when obtaining our home.

I'd originally had enough money in my savings to pay for the deposit on our
dream home, and to even cover the first few months of the mortgage payments
– but my little sister got involved in an accident, and so the money
went on her medical bills, instead, as she couldn't ask our parents for
anything. She was very distant from them, after having a heated row with
Dad for moving abroad to be with the 'love of her life.'

None of what happened had bothered me, so things between Lisa and me were
fine, hence, the reason I was ok paying for her medical bills.

Fortunately, Jacob didn't hold my financial decision against me. If
anything, he was very supportive of me helping my sister.

We were devastated though, to say the least, as we had already found the
ideal place, and started picturing ourselves living there, building a life
together. We couldn't shake it off, couldn't step back and wait patiently
until we could afford something else, as it would mean searching all over
again to find a replacement for what we had already fallen in love with.

So I talked to work about increasing my hours, and for a pay rise. I ended
up dabbling in different projects at work to get the hours in, totalling a
weekly average of sixty hours, which was exhausting.

Jacob tried to do the same, but wasn't as successful, so he took on a
second job. He hated it – not the extra hours, but the new job. It was
at a bar, but what turned out to be quite a seedy one, getting groped by
customers and getting grief off his boss for being `frigid' for not playing
along with it.

I wanted Jacob to quit, but he was determined for us to get the money we
needed.

Fortunately, he left that job after we moved out, but I think the memories
of working in such an environment stayed with him for quite a while
afterwards.



And now, here we were, going through hell, after I'd completely dishonoured
everything by bringing John back to our bedroom.



Relaxing as I remembered there was a chance it could all be behind us, I
pulled Jacob into a slow kiss as we both remained cuddled up together on
the sofa. Letting my hands creep down his back and onto his ass, my cock
was beginning to grow again. His skin was so smooth, just as I liked it,
and his breath felt hot in my mouth.

Fuck, I could have him again right now...

I slowly let my hand slide onto his stomach, before reaching down...

Please be hard, please be ready for more.

I was just about to take a firm hold of his cock when my hand was pulled
away.

Jacob began chuckling softly into our kiss, so I came away to see why
denying me of his member was so funny.

"Not a chance," he smiled mischievously at me. "You've worn me out."

"Come on," I coaxed. "I've missed it so much."

Jacob's expression relaxed. He gazed at me with adoration as he spoke.

"Me, too. I don't want to lose you again, Phil. I can't. I couldn't cope
without you."

When he said `cope' I knew he was referring to his battle with missing
Danny.

I understood loss can be awful; I'd been a wreck when I thought Jacob and I
were just over, so I dreaded to think how I'd feel if anything happened to
him – although I did wonder why he was still finding it so difficult two
years on.

It might have been due to how Danny died, though, as it was definitely a
massive shock. Jacob still woke up shouting, crying, or to a sudden panic
attack, which was horrible to witness. He'd clutch at his chest, struggling
to breathe, and begin pacing around the room franticly, looking ready to
collapse into a nervous breakdown.



"I'm not going anywhere," I told him softly. "I love you more than
anything, Jacob."

His eyes suddenly looked saddened as he glanced away and put his head back
on my chest, his fingertips stretching out onto my stomach.

"What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Nothing," he whispered, sounding distracted, deep in thought.

I began to tentatively stroke his hair as I relaxed back into the sofa; he
was clearly still having doubts about us.

"I promise I'll never hurt you again, Jacob. I promise I'll spend forever
making it up to you."

"I think it's too late," he whimpered, in a soft, broken voice. I could
literally hear the tears in his eyes and throat. "I can't see this pain
ever going away."

Please don't lose faith in us, Jacob...

"It will," I whispered, not honestly believing it would. I feared my
cheating could haunt our relationship for a long time yet, despite any
efforts to fix the wounds I'd created.

Jacob slowly lifted himself off me, sitting up and tugging at the blanket
to keep himself covered. I reluctantly sat up as well, after the physical
closeness I'd been enjoying had now been taken away. I sensed Jacob was
going to talk more about our problem, and his difficultly with seeing a way
forward for us.

"I can't stop picturing the two of you. And thinking about who else you've
been with, and when..."

I was right.

"Jacob, please," I said, keeping my tone gentle, as I knew he had every
right to bring it up again. But I just couldn't hack it anymore. Selfishly,
all I wanted was for us to get along, to be as though nothing had gone
wrong and we weren't, in fact, having a relationship breakdown. I didn't
want to talk anymore about it.



"I should go," he sighed, before getting up and pulling on his jeans.

I admired his body as he did so; he looked unbelievable topless with a pair
of jeans on...so incredibly sexy, like a photoshopped model.

I sighed as I continued to watch him. He silently put on his t-shirt before
finally looking back at me.

"We can get through this, you know," I said, hoping he could hear belief in
my voice, and ignore the tear trickling down my cheek and my quivering lip.

Jacob suddenly looked so tired to me; his eyes were misty, with dark
circles underneath them, and a fallen mouth pulled his face
downward. Indeed, I had made him tired, and depressed.

He shrugged at me before leaving the room.

I quickly got off the sofa and put my trousers on. I was about to go in
search for Jacob, but he returned just as I fastened up my fly.

He'd been crying, it was obvious, as his cheeks had reddened with moistened
streaks down them.

"Jacob," I exasperated, as I took him into my arms. "Come here."

"I wanna go see Danny," he whimpered into my shoulder as I held onto him
tightly.

I shut my eyes momentarily, as a brief spell of overwhelming pain shot
through me.

I wished I could soothe his pain; inject the confidence he used to have
back into him.

"You've got me..." I whispered.

With that, Jacob started sobbing – hard. I pulled him into me even more,
as though the pressure of my body against his would actually help. I forced
back tears, wanting to stay strong for Jacob, to show him I believed we
could actually recover from all this hurt.

He quickly broke away from me though, and abruptly slapped me across the
face.



Shock jolted through my body along with a sharp sting, and emotionally, I
felt devastated.

Jacob has never hit me before in his life. Fair enough, it wasn't exactly a
vicious punch to the face, but still, he'd done something I'd never thought
he was capable of.



"You–", I started sombrely, before being cut off.

"Fuck you, Philip Maister!" he wept. "I haven't got you; I've never had
you. Never."

He turned around and left, literally just storming out the house, leaving
me standing their bewildered.

I obviously should have run after him, but I didn't. Instead, I let him go,
deciding he should have some space. I'd turned him into someone
unrecognisable, and I needed to rethink my strategy on getting him back
properly.



Everything was such a mess. One second, he was reciprocating my affection,
and then he was questioning us – the future of our relationship – to
then abruptly leaving like all hope was gone.

I didn't know what to make of it; all I knew was that I couldn't give
up. Despite how exhausting, and slightly repetitive, this was all becoming.



* * *



After grabbing a shower and something to eat, I thought it'd be a wise idea
to text Ethan. I needed to apologise for going mental at him, because he
hadn't deserved that. He was a lovely lad, and I also didn't want it
getting back to work that I'd kicked off at a colleague.

`Hey. I'm sorry about earlier; I completely lost it and I shouldn't
have. I've got a lot going on at the moment; would appreciate it if you
didn't tell work about what happened.'



I was about to start a text to Jacob, but Ethan replied and so I cancelled
it to read what he'd said. My stomach fluttered nervously, hoping it wasn't
going to be a brutal response to my apology.



`It's ok. I'm here if you need to talk.'



Sappily, my eyes actually welled up at his kindness.

God, it'd be so nice to talk to someone about what's going on, it really
would.

Without really thinking it through, I replied, inviting him over for a
coffee, to which he said `yes'. So I told him my address, and quickly
tidied up before his arrival.



It wasn't long until there was a knock on my door, and glancing at the time
before answering it, I was surprised to see it was already 10 p.m.



"Hey Ethan," I smiled weakly as I let him in. "I'm sorry again about
earlier. Can I get you a coffee or something? A beer?"

"Relax," he chortled. "I'm not going to tell work, alright?"

A soft laugh escaped, as I thought at how desperate I must have just
sounded.

"Sorry. I do feel really bad, though. I proper went mental on your ass."

"It's ok; you're forgiven. Coffee then – or you on the beer?"

"I'd prefer coffee," I said, as we walked up the corridor to the
kitchen. "But what about you?"

"Coffee's fine with me."



We sat in the living room with our coffee, and I managed to pretty much
tell him everything.

I was stunned by my honesty, but it was also a nice feeling offloading to
someone and not having to worry about hurting them.



I told him about how I'd started hooking up with strangers at Hunters, and
oddly, his first response was to ask if I'd been careful, rather than give
a remark at how selfish I'd been. When I started talking about Jacob
finding out, and how things had been between us since, his following
question surprised me.

"What do you love about Jacob?"

"Everything," I uttered, deeming it pointless stating individual traits, as
I couldn't pick fault with him. Everything about him was perfect, from the
way his eyes sparkled when he smiled, to the way he would hold onto me in
bed before falling asleep.

"You say everything, but you can't have done surely? Your relationship must
have missed something? Or he had a fault or two that nagged at you?"

I was silent, giving his theory a brief thought – until my body froze,
as Ethan suddenly pressed his lips onto mine.



Hope you're enjoying the story! Feel free to drop me an email, or check
this out and other storys at http://www.samanthakayblog.blogspot.co.uk/

much love