Date: Thu, 24 Jul 2003 23:48:23 +0100
From: joshua Caddy  <joshuacaddy@lycos.co.uk>
Subject: Antiques trade Chapter the fourth

Legal Notice: The following story may contain descriptions of graphic
sexual acts. These acts may be between boys or between a man and a boy.

Violence may also portrayed within the context of the story.

The story is a work of fiction and has no basis in reality. The author, or
his designee, retains copyright to this story. There may be no reproducing
or distribution of this story without expressed written consent.


Again thank you for all your comments regarding my work.

Your feedback is most important to me. If nothing else it makes me settle
down and write the next chapter.

Do let me know what you think of this instalment.

Joshua.

Joshuacaddy@lykos.co.uk

I would like to dedicate this tale to a young man who is very special to
me, although he doesn't know it and I doubt I will ever have the nerve to
tell him.  His actions and words mean a great deal to me.

"Nondum am abam et amre amabam"

Chapter the fourth

Stood there in the utility room, looking down at Ryan and the puppies, my
soul felt as though someone was cleaving it with a flaming sabre.

Sat in a dog's basket was the one thing I had craved all these years. The
one thing I had desired above all others. The one thing that had occupied
my dreams and waking thoughts for as long as I could remember. A boy. A boy
to love. A boy to love as my own.

Yet even when this was offered to me, I could not trust myself to ruin the
opportunity. How could I allow Ryan near me with the desires I had barely
chained inside me?

The look of complete trust and acceptance in Ryan's upturned face decided
me upon the only course of action I could take.

Scooping him up into my arms I transport him back upstairs, to the room in
which his brother slept. Sitting him on the edge of the bed I delved into a
draw in the tallboy, withdrawing a clean, black t-shirt. This I dressed
Ryan in, but due to its size it resembled a nightshirt upon his slender
frame.

Tucking him into bed beside the slumbering form of Jason I sat down on a
chair beside the bed and began to lightly stroke his hair.

"Go to sleep boy, I promise I won't leave you alone" I murmured as I softly
caressed his tousled hair.

In response he gave me a little smile and taking hold of my other hand,
closed his eyes.

The possessiveness in the way he held my hand to him caused a lump to rise
in my throat. Did this action mean everything I read into it? Was Ryan
saying your mine now or was it an impulse action of reassurance on his
part?

With this thought to the forefront of my mind I sat stroking his hair
whilst he continued to hold tight to my hand, even though he had slipped
into the realm of Morphious.

I awoke with my back protesting at the treatment I had given it over the
past two days. Levelling Frank and carrying the two boys about had
certainly taken their toll. The fact I had slept in a chair with one arm in
some else's possession had not helped matters. Throughout the night Ryan
had not let go of my hand for one instant.

The fact that I could not feel my knee was a bad sign. After the intensive
exercise I had had it should have been aching at least. Still, I thought
back ache was enough to be going on with. No doubt I will pay for too much
walking over the next few days.

Looking at my pocket watch showed the time to be 5.30am. Sunlight was
streaming through the open curtains catching the dust motes as they lazily
drifted across the room. However, it was far to early to wake the boys
still sleeping quietly in my bed.

I gently dislodged Ryan's hold on my hand and went through into the
bathroom.

Undressing I crossed to the sink and began to shave. I always shave before
showering, having yet to find an extractor fan that will prevent the mirror
from fogging up.

As I completed scraping my face I paused to look at the person staring back
at me from the silvered surface.

Though I was only thirty life had etched its self upon my body. My lean,
muscled chest was marked with a number of scars, some inflicted by my own
stupidity, some by others. Most striking was the band of Celtic knot work
branded around my left arm.

Emotions of both pride and pain flitted across my subconscious whenever I
saw this mark of my past life.

The strain of the last two days was visible on my drawn face. I could see a
band of tension around my eyes that I had not seen for a number of
years. Coupled with my white hair and long moustache I looked older than my
years and that particular morning felt about a hundred.

The event, which had caused the near destruction of my knee, had had
another profound effect. In the days afterwards my hair had gone from a
light brown to white. This metamorphosis had profoundly affected me. In
some ways it was like a closure on one life and the beginning of another.

Completing my perusal of the stranger looking back at me I got into the
shower and let the hot water soak away the ache in my back.

Have you ever noticed how timeless the process of showering can be?
Moment's drift by without you noticing them, before you realise you have
ether emptied the hot water tank or you should have been at work half an
hour ago.

I stood under the scalding water for around half an hour, thinking of
nothing, loosing myself in the clouds of steam billowing around me.

My reverie was cut short by a loud wail from the bedroom.

Not pausing to shut off the water I dashed out of the shower and wrapping a
towel around my waste flew into the bedroom.

Ryan was sat up crying his eyes out. I went to hold him but he started
pummelling at me screaming, "I hate you, I hate you, you promised you
wouldn't leave me"

Once again I had made an error with the boys. Not thinking about what I had
promised I had left Ryan alone. For someone usually so smart I had not
adjusted to the complexity of a young boys mind.

I let Ryan beat at my chest until he began to realise that I was not
attempting to stop him. Gradually his punches subsided until he just sat on
the bed with large tears cascading down his cheeks.

His mismatched eyes were globes of an amazing translucency; awash with
tears they looked as though they were melting from his face.

Such distress at my thoughtless action made me so contrite with grief that
I could feel the tears beginning to role down my own cheeks.

This produced a reaction in Ryan I could not have expected.

His own tears began to dry and throwing himself across the bed he wrapped
his thin arms around my neck. In much the same way Jason had comforted me
the other evening Ryan was now doing the same.

It was as though Ryan was trying to pull me into him he held me so
tight. This moment was timeless. I could feel the warmth emanating from
Ryan's little body, the musky fragrance of boy filled my nostrils, the
silky touch of his smooth hairless arms against my wet torso was the stuff
of my wildest dreams and most dreaded nightmares.

Sat with this young boy holding me I began to allow my soul the freedom to
explore the desires I had so long held in check. Slipping one arm around
Ryan I began to gently rub up and down his spine, feeling the bumps and
curves through his thin flesh, caressing the smoothness of his skin,
allowing the material of the t-shirt to glide a little with the motion of
my caressing fingers. Gradually I elongated my strokes until my hand glide
from the nape of his slender neck to the top of his cute little bum.

My exploration of Ryan's back was brought up short by a voice from the
other side of the bed.

" I thought that was my job," said Jason with a smile on his sleepy face.

It was as though someone had thrown a bucket of cold water over me.

My arm fell away from Ryan's back like its very presence was and admission
of the feelings burning in side of me.

Guiltily I removed the boy's arms from around my neck, trying to ignore the
hurt look he gave me, I sat back and looked at the two boys in my bed.

The moment of freedom I had allowed myself was passed. The shutters had
again come up inside me, closing off my desires from the outside world. It
was like Pandora closing the box after all the evils had escaped. Yet in
this scenario hope did not remain at the bottom of my box.

I had gone too far. I had allowed my instincts to rule over my head. How
could I have allowed this to happen? All my self-restraint had come to
naught. Another had witnessed my moment's indiscretion. My action had
sullied the boys I was trying so hard to protect.

Looking at the two boys ensconced in my bed I tried to apologise for my
actions but the extreme sense of guilt I was feeling made my words come out
as an incoherent jumble.

Ignoring my pitiful ramblings Jason held out his arms to his younger
brother who slide across the bed and snuggled into his embrace.

When Ryan was suitably settle Jason said "Ignore him he always feels guilty
if he touches us. You know when I told you about him. I said he likes boys,
well he thinks he shouldn't. I reckon he thinks it makes him like Frank"

My meaningless apology abated. All I could think of was what Jason had just
told his brother. He had summed up exactly my feelings. My love for boys
made me exactly like Frank. A potential abuser and molester of those I held
most dear.

Finally Nemesis had trapped me and was beginning to deliver her coupé de
grace.

Leaving the brothers to their discussion of my iniquities (or so I
perceived) I slipped from the end of the bed and went back into the
bathroom. I closed the door behind me and taking a cutthroat razor from the
shelf crumpled down on the marble floor, contemplating the only course I
saw open to me.

Sitting on the floor with the naked blade on my lap I could not picture a
future for me with the darkest side of my soul bared to the world. I would
not allow this aspect of my nature to emerge again. I could not permit
myself to harm another boy in the way I perceived I had just done.

The steam from the shower swirled around me like a highland fog. Sat
slumped against the bath my long white hair hanging down my face like the
tendrils of some alien plant, the water dripping from the ends like a
stalactite in a dank cavern. I had reached the bottom of the pit. In my
mind I could sink no lower.

The only option remaining to me was to embrace the kingdom of Hades. Slide
the cold blade across my wrists and slip across the river into blessed
oblivion.

As I sat steeling myself to commit the final act the door slowly swung
inwards revealing Jason leaning on the shoulder of his little brother.

Jason, still clad in only the bandages I had applied to his wounds the day
before softly breathed "Oh shit" and continuing to lean on Ryan limped
across the floor to my slumped form.

My conscious did not acknowledge their presence. I felt arms slid around my
shoulders from ether side but could not react.

I could feel the warmth seeping from these young arms into my body. A hand
slid into my lap and removed the razor from my unresisting fingers.

A voice drifted to my ears

"Is he alright"?

"Can he hear us"?

"What's he done"?

"Why's he ignoring us"?

Another voice interrupted the first.

"He's shut down. Remember I said he cannot cope with how he feels about
boys, he thinks it makes him sick or something. Just now holding you
tripped him over the edge. He just can't cope with it."

"But what's wrong with him holding me"?

"Nothing. He just thinks he shouldn't. He reckons its abuse. That he's
hurting you"

"But I like him holding me! It makes me feel safe, like somebody wants me"

"He just doesn't realise that this is something we both want, someone else
to love us"

Through the fog of my mind this conversation permeated like the first
rainfall on a drought stricken plane, seeping into the soil, being absorbed
by the desperate seeds, bring relief to the wildlife.

I was wanted, my attention did not sicken or repulse, these boys actually
wanted to be with me!

Slowly my head lifted. Peering through the curtain of sodden hair I looked
into the faces of the boys who had brought me from the brink, who had saved
my soul.

The looks of concern on the faces of the boys, my boys, sealed me to my
fate they needed me, they accepted me for what I was. How could I leave
them?

I drew in a long shuddering breath. With a lump in my throat I said, "I
suspect you boys are ready for breakfast"

They intensified their hold upon me and unwilling to resist I sat in the
warm embrace of their arms soaking up the intensity of the moment.

Eventually the boys released their hold upon me and pulled me to my feet.

They virtually dragged me into the bedroom and forced me to sit upon the
bed.

With one on ether side of me they each took hold of my hands.

Jason was the first to speak "Tom we know what you are and we aren't
bothered. We both know you wont hurt us like Frank did, your just so
different to him. Please stop beating yourself up about how you feel, we
can cope with it even if you cant. We need you"

After this statement delivered from the heart Jason fell silent and
continuing to hold my hand placed his other arm around my shoulder.

Ryan looked at me with eyes so reminiscent of a puppy. "Are you going to
look after us?" he asked in a small-lost voice.

"Is that what you want" I quietly enquired.

Ryan's response was quite unequivocal. He clambered into my lap, put his
arms around me and kissed me upon the cheek.

"Does that answer your question" laughed Jason.

What could I say to that? I gathered both boys to me holding them as if I
thought they would slip through my fingers.

"Nondum am abam et amre amabam" I murmured softly to myself.

"Your weird" said Ryan snuggling further into my lap.

How right he was.


We sat in this manner for a short time, until the rumblings of both boys'
stomachs sounded like thunder rolling across the bedroom.

"Well if you my problem now, I suppose I had better feed you before you
start chewing on my arms" I said to my new family.

"However you cant spend all your time running round practically starkus, no
matter how much I might want you to."

Another of my dark thoughts had emerged unbidden. I started to apologise
but Ryan put his hand over my mouth "Will you stop that we know what you're
thinking so you might as well say it. We don't mind!!!"

What had I done to deserve these two?

"Ok" I sighed, "Much as I might enjoy seeing you without clothes on my
house keeper will most definitely not approve"

This brought me up short. "Oh shit what's Mrs Hughes going to say when she
finds you two here!!!!"

My housekeeper was what is described as a formidable woman. She had been
running the hall for longer than I could remember. Her presence kept the
other staff in check. Tradesman cowered at her wrath. She had been my
governess, my grandmother's nurse, the glue that held everything together
when my grandmother died. In short she was the mainstay of the hall.

Whilst never openly affectionate to me she was like my parents and
grandparents rolled into one. She would often look at me as though I was
still a little boy who had misbehaved.

I think her approval meant more to me than the earth its self.

"Right you two there's no time to loose. She will descend upon us any time
now"

Quickly I dashed into the bathroom, brushed and tied back my hair, shut off
the shower and dried myself.

I was dashing around like something stupid. I quickly dressed whilst the
two boys looked at me in bewilderment.

Once dressed, I paused and looked the boys.

"Ok what have I got to fit you two?" I wondered out loud.

It was obvious that none of my clothing was going to be a good fit on Ryan
so I settled on another t-shirt and a pair of shorts I wore in the
summer. Once dressed in these two garments Ryan looked somewhat
swamped. The t-shirt fitted him like a mini dress and the shorts were half
way down his calves. Whilst boy fashion at the moment may be baggy this was
going a little to far. I must say that he did look exceptionally cute stood
there all in black with his blond hair stuck up like fork lightening.

I had not bothered with socks or underwear as there was nothing in my
wardrobe that would come close to fitting him.

Jason was somewhat easier. He was a head shorter than me and a lot thinner
but in a similar outfit to his brother he merely looked fashionably baggy,
rather than swamped.

I stood back to look at the lads.

"Well that's the best we can do at the moment," I said

The rate at which I had dressed them had surprised the boys. Still looking
a little bewildered I stewarded them downstairs and into the kitchen.

Both Jason and I looked as though we had been in the wars. He was still
battered from Frank's harsh treatment; my knee had started aching with a
vengeance so we both hobbled into the kitchen, whilst Ryan just looked thin
and a little scared.

Telling both boys to sit down at the large oak refectory table that
stretched half the length of the kitchen I began to cook the mother of all
fry-ups.

Bacon, two types of sausage, black pudding, fried eggs, scrambled eggs,
fried bread, bubble and squeak, tomatoes, kidneys and a huge mound of toast
emerge from my pans and skillets on the Arga.

Both boys were amazed at the amount I cooked for just the three of us but
they set to and were making massive inroads into the mound when the door
opened and in sailed Mrs Hughes.

I say sailed because Mrs Hughes was not a small woman and in the large blue
dresses she habitually wore she reminded me of a Spanish galleon under full
sail.

She took one look at the boys who had paused in their attack upon breakfast
and fixing me with a determined eye she said. "It appears we need to have
words Master Thomas"

This phrase brought back a myriad of memories from my childhood. Any number
of breakages, trees fallen from, mud traipsed across freshly polish floors,
stray animals brought home, smoking in the barn, disappeared bottles of
cider all came flooding back to me.

Unconsciously I adopted the position of the naughty schoolboy and said "Yes
Mrs Hughes"

Rising I followed her into the pantry. This was the office from which she
ruled the hall like a small empire. The fact that I was her employer had
nothing to do with it. She still saw me as the small boy she had
practically raised and nothing was going to change that opinion.

Sitting in the huge Windsor chair which occupied a corner of the room she
looked at me and said "Well Master Thomas would you care to explain to me
why there are two small boys sat in my kitchen wearing your clothes"

Sat there she reminded me of a day many years ago when I was eight or so
and she had caught me up the plum tree in her garden.

Mrs Hughes had never lived in the hall. She resided in a small cottage set
back to the rear of the main house. This small oasis of tranquillity had
been out of bounds to me then and in reality still was now.

Finding me in her plum tree devouring the fruit Mrs Hughes had frog marched
me back to the kitchen and sat were she was now, had proceeded to
interrogate me like an officer of the Gestapo.

I could still feel her hand spanking my backside all these years later.

So whilst she sat there her eyes never leaving mine I explained to her the
details of the past few days, obviously leaving out my moments of
self-disgust and the conversations the boys had with me.

On completion of my narrative she looked down and when she lifted her head
I could she tears rolling down her cheeks.

"So Tom you finally admitted it to yourself and found the boy you've been
wanting all these years"

To say I was thunderstruck would have been an understatement.

I don't know which shocked me more, the fact she had used the short version
of my name. Something she had never done before or her knowledge about my
longings for a boy.

"Yes, I do know Tom" she said.

"How do you think you could hide something so important to you from me."

"How I've worried about you, seen the states you've come home in, the money
you've give to children's charities, all the secret, anonymous presents the
boys on the estate have received, but most of all the longings I have seen
in your face when there have been boys around and the fear in your eyes if
they show you any affection.  I've never seen anyone as good with boys as
you are and yet try so hard to keep them at a distance. The nights I've
heard you cry yourself to sleep or drink till you pass out when there has
been a boy near you during the day. Why have you held this inside for so
long? Its like been watching a cancer eat away at you, taking a part of you
away day by day. Has it been so hard to accept what you knew in your heart
of hearts?"

On completing this emotional flood she sank back into her chair and for the
first time looked vulnerable, human.

I sank to my knees and resting my head upon her bosom cried until my tears
ran dry.

She ran her fingers through my hair "I hope they can accept how much you
need them" she whispered, referring to Ryan and Jason.

We were both unaware that my boys had been listening at the door and so
when it opened and they both took hold of me the reassurance of their touch
and Ryan's sobs of "We need him more" were all the convincing needed.

Mrs Hughes stood and adjusted her attire. With the normal steel returned to
her voice she stated" You had better be good to each other........ or else"
this caused the three of us to smile through our tears.

We returned to the kitchen and continued with breakfast.

Once all the food was gone Mrs Hughes said "So Master Thomas how do you
intend keeping hold of these two when the authorities find out about them?"

How indeed. Would social services let a bachelor raise two boys who had
been so badly abused?


End of Chapter the Fourth