Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2012 01:42:51 -0400
From: Jesse Jesse <gmmac1987@hotmail.com>
Subject: being seen, pt 7

	It was amazing at the change I realized even in myself as the two
weeks with Ryan passed. I'd never really been that fond of children
before. Oh, it wasn't that I didn't like kids or anything like that, but
growing up an only child, especially growing up an only child in such a
fucked up home as I did, can warp one's ideals and opinions of caring for
children. But the more time I spent with Ryan the more enamored and
eventually totally consumed by him I began to be. I found myself waking up
in the morning with ideas of activities we could do throughout the day, or
spending time pouring through the ancient cookbooks in the kitchen, trying
to find something different for dinner I thought he'd enjoy. Then came that
night when I awoke with a start to find the serene, most beautiful picture
I'd ever seen. That particular day had been very tiring. Seth had had to go
into town for some supplies, so Ryan and I had spent the day together. I
found myself smiling upon reflection of the day's events, and just how much
energy the tiny boy had. We'd taken a walk along the riverbank, raked
another pile of leaves to jump and frolic in for several hours, and we'd
even done a bit of fishing before his father had returned home. Ryan had
again fallen asleep before dinner, only to wake us both late in the night
"wanting supper." We'd taken him back to the small bed Grandma had sent
down from the main house once she'd heard he was here, and after getting
him back to sleep, had spent the evening curled up together under the
blankets. Eventually we'd both drifted off to sleep, but as I said, I'd
awoke with a start to what was a beautiful sight. The tiny boy had awakened
some time during our own sleep and crawled onto the bed, snuggling himself
within the safety and security of his sleeping father's arms. I allowed my
body to turn ever so slightly to better take in the sight before me. Never
had I felt so content as at that moment. It was as if I'd been given a
second chance of having a family. We were a different family; there was no
doubt of that, but as I felt the warmth that radiated from the tiny form
between his father and myself, and as Seth unconsciously pulled both of us
closer as he slept, I felt peace and true happiness. And so every night
afterwards was spent in this manner, our tiny family snuggled safely
together in the shelter of our home by the river. Indeed, by that Friday,
as Seth helped Ryan climb into the truck and drove away, I found myself
running into the bedroom and flailing myself onto the bed, crying almost
hysterically.

	Finally Autumn was forced to yield its chilly grasp on the farm to
the bitter winds and snow of winter. Even after fifteen years of living in
the same place, I was ever amazed at, for the suffocating heat of summer,
the bitter cold that set in most years. Thanksgiving came and went, Seth
attempting to be jovial and jolly at dinner with myself and Grandma, but it
was not until the first week of December that he truly began to act like
his old self. I noticed a boyish grin spread across his face as I climbed
in the truck one Friday evening after school, and couldn't help but chuckle
slightly. "What's the dopy grin for?" His smile only broadened as he
started the truck. "Well, it's Christmastime, isn't it?" "Yes it is."
"Well, if we're gonna `be a family' as you put it, then a family needs a
Christmas tree, right?" I sat in silence for a moment, my mind reeling in
shock. In all my 16 years I'd never had the simple joy of a family
Christmas tree. Most of my friends at school stared in blatant disbelief
when I would inform them that my parents didn't take time for stuff like
that. No, they were too busy fighting, even at Christmas, too busy seeing
who could buy the better gift for me to best the other. Though material
things aren't what make Christmas special, there were never any trees or
lights, never any cookies baking, or cards on the mantle, never even any
Christmas music playing or anything of that nature. Our big depressing
house stayed ever the same, big, open, and lonely. The smile that broadened
even further across Seth's face at my next question was priceless. "Where
do we get one?" He smiled a wonderful, hearty smile as he reached across
the cab and pulled me toward him, his lips making contact with mine for a
moment. "Well, we'll get ours the old-fashioned way." I had no doubt of the
fact that that evening I acted like a giddy child that should've been in
kindergarten. Try as I may, and though my teeth chattered terribly as we
fumbled through the forest, I couldn't stop giggling. Never had I been so
excited over the holidays as that evening. Indeed my laughter was so
contagious and joy-filled that Seth was forced to give in to its power as
well, and finally we were forced to stop, Seth throwing down the saw and us
completely isolated in the forest, and laugh uncontrollably. Seth was
determined that our tree should be perfect. He searched for what seemed
hours, comparing the shortest of southern pines to a cedar that I was sure
would not have fit through the door. I found myself giggling as he mumbled
to himself. "No, this one's not big enough...this one's too fat at the
bottom...this one's too scraggly..." But finally he stopped still and
pointed. "There, what do you think?" It was beautiful. I guessed the pine
to be about eight feet tall or so, it's dense, long needles gently covered
in a blanket of snow. Seth's chainsaw roared into action, and in no time we
were dragging the tree back through the snow toward home.

	That evening brought an overwhelming mixture of emotions to us
both. Most were wonderful, but a few were bittersweet. I hardly handled a
single ornament (Seth had spent almost a whole week's pay on ornaments for
our tree and a huge pile of decorations to be placed around the house, as
well as a huge stack of LP`s to be played on the small stereo that sat on
the mantle.) or lit a single candle that I wasn't reminded of the fact that
I'd never done this, Christmas, before. Seth had his moments as well, but
was ever cheered by the fact that in a few days he'd be spending Christmas
with Ryan and me, our family whole once again. Songs of Bing Crosby, Dean
Martin, Ella Fitzgerald, and Gene Autry filled the house as we worked and
sang together. The smell of sugar cookies Seth had prepared for baking
while I was away at school wafted from the kitchen and mixed with the
sweet, tangy odor of the pine that stood so stately in our tiny living
room. Finally our work was done and we sat starry-eyed, gazing at the
beauty before us. I was amazed at the transformation our little river house
had taken on, all thanks to Seth's love and kindness. Hours of cold and
wind were held at bay outside the door as we snuggled together on the sofa,
warmed by the fire and the simple cheer our tree and decorations seemed to
radiate throughout the house. But even throughout all the cheer and busy
days that had transpired recently, a question had lingered in the back of
my mind. "Seth?" "Mm-hm?" "Have you really dated a lot of other people
before me?" Though I couldn't see his expression, I felt the sudden tensing
of his muscles. Silence hung between us for an eternal moment. "Do you want
the honest truth?" "Yes." "Yes."... "Yes what?" "Yes, I have dated some
other guys." "But how many? Was it anyone I would know? Do they work here
on the farm?" "No, no, and no." "What do you mean `no, no, and no?' Maybe
that answer's two of the questions, but how many?" "Babe why is this so
important to you?" Silence hung thick in the air again. Why was this so
important to me? Seth was 26 years old, eleven years older than me. It
wasn't as though I didn't suspect he'd been with other people. Hell, he had
a son! That was proof enough that he'd been with someone. Why did it truly
bother me so that he'd admitted he'd dated other guys?...When the answer
did finally come, it swept over me in great waves, bringing tears with
it. "Because I don't want to share you with anyone! Because I love you with
all my heart, more than anyone on this earth, more than even my
grandparents!" I turned to face him, realizing that tears streamed down his
own cheeks. "Seth I love you, love you more than anything or anyone. I
can't stand the thoughts of sharing you with anyone else, even if it has
been in the past! I love you, I need you!" His voice was thick as he
replied. "What about Ryan? You mean you aren't even willing to share me
with him?" And then an even greater truth washed over me. "Seth you know I
love Ryan...he's...I've come to think of him as my own son. I've missed him
terribly since he left. That's what I want, I want us, not just you and
Ryan or me and you, I want us, the three of us, a real family! It broke my
heart when you had to take him back to his mother. I couldn`t bear to see
him leave, and that`s what`s worried me...Seth please don`t leave me, ever,
ever ,ever! I lost one of the only two people in my life who`ve ever given
a damn about me a few months ago, and Grandma`s leaving me more ever day. I
know she`s still physically healthy, but I see it more every time I spend
the day with her. Her mind, her soul, it`s like it`s slipping away, like
I`m losing her a little more every day. Oh Seth, I don`t think I could bare
to lose you too! Please tell me you`ll stay with me." Two lithe, muscular
arms pulled me into a crushing hug as two soft lips rained kisses down upon
my forehead. "Never! Do you hear me? Never will I leave you, not until the
day I die!" He pulled my own face to his. "Jesse, yes, I've dated a few
other guys, just a few. Nothing serious ever came of it, and if it truly
makes you feel better, the only reason I was not a virgin when you and were
first intimate is named Ryan! I'm 26 years old, and until I met you, with
the exception of Ryan's mother, I've never given myself to anyone. Jesse
you, you alone, have me! You have my very soul wrapped around your fingers!
I'd fight hell itself for you and Ryan! Jesse I love you, love you more
than any words could express. You're not gonna lose me!" Sobs wracked
through my body so violently that I could hardly speak. "Then what about
Ryan? Seth I want him here with us!" Tears flowed down his soft
cheeks. "Don't you think I want that too? I miss my son terribly, but I
can't fight the court. Custody was granted to his mother. There's nothing I
can do about that."

	The next few weeks were a flurry of activity. Between school,
trying to keep up with all the latest achievements in the overhaul of the
locomotive at the railway shops, and trying to keep an eye on Grandma, the
weeks before Christmas flew by until finally it was but three days until
Christmas day. Through all this I'd noticed a definite change in
Grandma. There were always days when the Alzheimer's disease created a bit
more of a bad temperament, but the last few days she'd been distant,
short-spoken, even down-right unpleasant. Finally one evening she exploded
as we sat sipping tea in the living room of the main house. "Why do people
have to make such a big damn deal about this time of year! Why can't we
just have some peace!" "Grandma!" "It's true. I've heard these songs and
seen so many cards in that stupid mailbox that it makes me sick! Why can't
I just..." Her rant was broken by sudden sobs. She sank into the back of
the sofa, her frail body wracked with emotion. "Grandma, are you okay?
Here, here, what's wrong?" Her pale blue eyes met with mine for a moment,
her chin trembling. "Oh Jesse, I miss him so!" I nearly fell back, winded,
at the realization of Grandma's heartache...Grandpa! Of course, this would
be the first year she'd spend the holidays without him! And my heart broke
for the frail lady who sat shivering into my shoulders. "Oh Grandma! I am
so truly sorry! I'm so, so sorry! I've acted like an ass, talking about
what Seth and I have been doing, and you've been missing Grandpa so!" And
then an idea struck me. "Why don't you come down to the river house and
spent Christmas with us?" Grandma stared at me like I'd grown an extra pair
of ears. "Oh Jesse! Really! I've not been down to the river in years
now. Imagine, me, at my age, going down there!" "I'm serious Gram, why
not?! Come down and spend Christmas with us! Seth's son, Ryan, is coming
back to spend the holidays with him, and he's planning to cook a big
dinner. Please Gram, come spend Christmas with us!" Grandma stared at me a
moment, her heart obviously conflicted. "Well, I don't know. Your
grandfather and I spent almost 60 Christmases in this house together!"
"Yes, but Gram, why sit here and make yourself miss him any more than
you'll have to?! Please, come spend Christmas with us!" Finally she smiled,
her eyes shining with a few more tears as she conceded, and so it was
settled.

	The task of fitting two extra people, albeit two small extra people
in the river house proved to be quite a chore. Grandma insisted that her
own bed be brought from the main house down to the river house. Nothing
short of a caravan made the trek down to the river, carrying bed frames,
mattresses, blankets, and a trunk full of clothes. Seth laughed
hysterically at "one little woman's big load of junk for a few days."
Grandma, however, was adamant that each and every precious piece of cargo
was necessary for the few days spent with us. And then there was
Ryan. Though he'd met Grandma before and they'd gotten on wonderfully,
having a rather pernickety elderly lady and a young lad with the energy of
lightening proved to be quite a combination, but yet with all this chaos,
the house had never seemed more alive. Grandma was forever giving Ryan
sweets she pulled from her purse, much to the chagrin of Seth, and he was
ever squealing in delight as she told him stories of `boogers and
wompusses' that roamed the forests around the farm." Seth was
elated. Between having his son so nearby and having me and Grandma with him
as well, I have expected his chest to explode if he swelled any
more. Finally came Christmas Eve. Though Grandma struggled a bit with
keeping cheery spirits throughout the day, Ryan's simple youth and vitality
brought her such joy. Indeed, more than once I heard her remark that "it
was good to see young'uns again." Ryan was allowed to open one gift, a gift
Grandma had had brought to her from town, before going to bed. His radiant
face and cries of delight brought tears to every eye in the house as he
unwrapped the box, but what popped out both surprised and shocked everyone
in the house except Grandma. Though to this day I still do not know how
Grandma kept the secret so well-hidden, and so silent, she laughed heartily
when Ryan's eyes lit up and his arms squeezed the scruffy puppy that stuck
his wet nose out the top of the box. "Grandma, how did you keep him quite?"
She winked. "I had Jeb bring him down just a while ago. I knew I couldn't
keep him quite for long." The rest of the evening was spent in howls of
laughter as Ryan and the puppy played and squealed together. It seemed,
finally, Ryan had found someone with as much energy as himself. Finally
came bedtime, "so Santa could come." Never was such a sight to be beheld
anywhere as the river house bedroom, removed of all other furniture, so
that no less than three beds were, quite literally, crammed until they
stood side by side, forming one seemingly endless bed, filled with two
young men, a tiny boy, and an elderly lady.

	Christmas morning dawned cold and bright. I awoke to find Grandma
sitting by the fireplace, having already lit the tree and placed Ryan's
gifts around the bottom for his viewing. "Grandma what are you doing up so
early?" She smiled. "I wanted to do something to try and help you and Seth
with Ryan. I know it's not much, but there are some scrambled eggs and
toast in the kitchen. I hope it's okay how I arranged his presents. I tried
to remember how I fixed them for your father and you." Tears filled my eyes
as she smiled at me. "Oh Grandma, I love you so. What did I ever do to
deserved such wonderful grandparents as you and Grandpa?" She reached out
and took my hand, pulling me into her lap. Though we both laughed at what
must have been a hysterical sight, a 15 year old sitting in his elderly
grandmother's lap, I felt such love and comfort from her tiny frame. "And I
love you Baby. I'm only sorry that your grandfather isn't here. But Jesse I
need to thank you, need to thank you and Seth both. You've been so kind to
me these past few days. I know I'm a cantankerous old woman, set in my
ways, but it's been so wonderful to be able to spend Christmas here with
you. You've done everything possible to help me with grieving for your
grandpa, and I love you so for it. That's why I want you to have this." A
feeble hand reached around and placed a folded piece of paper into my
hands. My hand shook and I struggled as I read the deed. "Grandma, I can't
take this. Isn't it enough that you've already told me that I'm to inherit
the farm when you're gone? I don't even want to think about that, let alone
this, now!" Her wrinkled hands caressed my cheeks. "Baby we both know I
don't have that much more life left. If I live ten or fifteen more years,
then I'll count myself blessed for it, but I'm an old woman. I've lived my
life. This deed is just what your grandfather and I planned it to be for
almost 60 years. We never planned to be selfish with what we've worked for
over the years. All along we had intentions of giving it to your father and
you. Since your father's chosen to alienate himself from us, I have decided
to give the farm and our estate fully to you now. Jesse, Baby, listen to
me. This is what I want...I want you to have this! I can't do much for you
now. Please, just let me do this one thing." A rustle in the bedroom told
us both that Ryan and his puppy he'd already named Harley were
stirring. Soon enough he came bounding into the living room, his eyes
bright as any light on the tree at the sight before him. Seth came
stumbling groggily out into the living room as well, half trying to smile
as he yawned. "Merry Christmas everyone!"

	Toy after toy was unwrapped to great delight as Ryan dug his way
through the pile of packages waiting for him under the tree that
morning. After a quick breakfast of Grandma's eggs and toast we bathed and
dressed for the day. As we were to find out, Grandma had one more surprise
up her sleeve. We had all just finished putting away the shredded paper
from Ryan's mountain of gifts when a noise outside caught our attention, a
noise quite unexpected, the noise of jingle bells. Seth and I looked at
each other in wonder, Ryan ran to the window and began jumping up and down
as "horsies were coming," and Grandma's eyes twinkled. Jeb came pulling up
in an ancient sleigh that had sat unused in the barn all my life. I stared
in wonder at the beautiful two-seat sleigh, its worn leather seats now
cleaned and shining in the morning sun, and two of the large Belgium draft
horses used to work on the farm stood pawing the snow, ready to
proceed. Both Seth's and my mouths hung open in shock as we stared at the
beautiful sight, but it was Grandma's mockingly-stern voice that brought us
to our senses. "Well, are we going riding or not!?!" It was like something
from a beautiful card of movie. We road for hours in the snow. Ryan's
elated shouts and cries echoed along the snow-covered fields of the
farm. Seth shook his head in amazement. Even Grandma smiled once again as
the bitter air swept across our faces as we went along. Indeed, we became
so caught up in the moment, Jeb seeming to enjoy the occasion as much as
any of the rest of us, even inviting Ryan up to "help him drive," that we
almost forgot Christmas dinner. Finally we returned to the house, our
bodies chilled to the bone and our cheeks tinged red, to await Christmas
dinner. Seth bustled about in the kitchen for several hours, humming songs
to himself. Grandma retired to the bedroom "for a little rest from too much
excitement for an old woman," and even Ryan and I dozed a while on the
sofa. Finally came dinner. After returning the horses to the stable, Jeb
came stumbling in to join us. We all stared at the table in astonishment at
the feast spread before us. A massive roast turkey, potatoes, green beans,
sweet potato casserole, dressing, rolls, and cranberry sauce stood steaming
and ready to eat. A southern red velvet cake, nothing short of worth a
placement in a magazine, stood on the counter, just waiting to be sliced
and enjoyed. I turned to Seth, my pride in him bubbling. "Hon, how in the
world did you manage all this?" He smiled devilishly and shrugged. "I guess
I'm just good in the kitchen!" But it was Grandma's dry reply that brought
us all four into fits of laughter... "Yeah, you wish sonny boy...He used my
recipes!" Gathering us together, Grandma took the opportunity to say her
own thanksgiving. "I am so thankful for you all. Though you are not all
related by blood, I feel each and every one of you are my family. I am
thankful for Ryan, for who to me is another grandson I can love and
cherish. I'm thankful for Jeb, for his many years of faithful service to
our family, and for being such a wonderful friend. I'm thankful for Jesse,
for the kindness and concern he's shown to his grumpy old grandmother! And
I'm thankful for Seth, for showing such love and compassion to Jesse, for
bringing a light back into his eyes that I had though extinguished. I'm so
thankful that we are here together, alive and as well as we are. I pray
many years for us all to be together, and that our lives are happy and
loving together!"