Date: Fri, 13 Dec 2002 12:50:36 EST
From: Writersrealmmm@aol.com
Subject: Billie Joe's Journal Chapter 19

Chapter 19
Life's A Rush

The soldier ran down the stairs and into the street to catch up with me.

"I'm Jake.  I thought you should know my name at least."

He was buttoning up his jacket with his shirt still out of his green pants.

"I see you know mine," I said.

"Donnie told me.  What do you think we were doing in there?"

"I know what you were doing.  What I don't know is why you wanted to do it
with me?"

"No?  Don't pull that shit!  You started that.  You got a short rememory."

"Yeah!  I just don't like being like that.  I mean you're really neat, and
I'm sure I'd like you if I knew you, but I don't, and there I am playing
with you.  It confuses me why I am like that.  I must be a real perve, huh.
To want someone I don't know."

"Me too!  I wanted you, too.  When I come in last night, Sharon went into
the bathroom and turned the light on to do her business.  Even lying there
with that . . . you know.  I wanted you then.  I wanted to dump Sharon.
She's such a whore."

"You're not?"

"Yeah! but at least I'm a good whore.  I don't pretend to be anything
else."

"Did you do it with Donnie?"

"He's my brother.  I can't say no to him.  He knows what he likes, and
worse yet, he knows what I like.  I told you about that gene.  You got it
too.  Lots a guys got that gene.

"Listen to you talk.  You can't help yourself.  Neither can I," I said.

"See, we're meant to be together.  I like you.  You're pretty fucking neat,
you know."

"I guess we're more alike than I want to know."

I had to keep looking at him because he was really easy on the eye.  You
could see the muscles even through that uniform crap he wore.  He wasn't
big at all but he seemed to be all sinew.  Then I remembered the way
another guy I loved filled up a similar uniform.

"Damn right we are!  You know it!  That's why I wanted to catch you.  We'll
get some protection and you can have what you wanted.  I haven't been done
good since John got married.  I really wanted to today.  With you I mean.
I knew you'd be okay.  You like it too much to be anything else.  We
walking so fast for a reason or you just getting' your exercise?"

"I'm looking for Ty.  I don't think I want to do anything else.  I don't
like the way it makes me feel."

"Could have fooled the hell out of me.  The way you made a mess all over my
face, I thought you had a pretty good time.  Never seen anyone shoot that
much."

"That's a problem.  At home I never got it all cleaned up.  I've always
been like that.  I don't know why I shoot so much.  I don't know what's
wrong with me.  I don't know what I'm doing here."

"Don't worry about it.  There's nothing wrong with you.  You're a stud is
all.  You'll be glad you are once you grow into it.  I want you to do it to
me tonight.  This afternoon.  Right now if you want.  I'll take you to
breakfast and we'll get some protection.  We can spend some time together.
Be friends."

"I don't want that, Jake.  I don't want everything to come down to sex.
That's what you are saying, that I'll be your friend if we're doing it all
the time.  Then what happens when we have enough of each other?"

"That's what I came here for, Billie Joe.  Someone like me going without
for three months.  I got to make up for lost time.  I'm telling you I want
to make it up with you.  I can be with any of those guys, I want to be with
you.  I picked you.  I won't have enough of you.  We can just be friends if
you want.  Terrible waste, but I like you that much.  I'll probably get
myself into trouble if you don't go with me, but that's okay.  I want you
to be my friend because I like you.  Because you're just like me.  Wanting
it all the time even when you say no.  I can see it in your eyes.  I feel
it coming off you.  You're a fucking sex pot, Billie Joe.  It takes one to
know one."

"Cool it. I don't want to talk about that."

"Let me take you to breakfast."

"O.K.  I can do that."

"What do you see in, Ty?  He's a . . . well you are going to get a bad rep.
People notice that shit.  Some people get pretty offended by shit like that
where I'm from."

"He's my friend.  He saved my ass.  I can get in trouble for having a
friend that cares about me and that I care about?  Remind me not to go
where you're from."

"You know what I mean.  He isn't white.  You are.  What are you doing with
him?"

"Forget it, Jake.  You wouldn't understand.  You're losing points real
fast."

"I'd try, but it doesn't make much sense to me.  You being with him.  I saw
what he's got.  I know I ain't got nothing to compare with that fucking
thing, but I know what to do with what I got.  Is that it.  You like the
big ones like Ty and Gene?"

"I don't even know Gene.  I told you Ty saved my ass.  We're friends.  I
trust him.  That's all I need to know.  What he's got is what he's got.  I
didn't ask him about the size of his dick at the time he was saving my ass.
There are good people and bad people and Ty's one of the good ones.  That's
all I need to know."

Jake looked at me hard for a moment, and his eyes were serious.  "Let's go
eat."

We went to the diner.  I knew Jake from people back home.  They looked at
someone and knew all they wanted to know.  Appearance was everything.  If
you fit the mold of what they thought was their crowd, you were in.  No
questions asked.  Didn't matter what kind of asshole you might be on the
inside.  If you appeared different or acted different, you were suspect and
excluded.

We ate and Jake paid.  Remembering Raymond, I didn't object.  He walked
with me as I searched all the way up to Golden Gate Park for Ty.  I felt
kinda naked out there without him.  I took Jake up and down alleys and to
the crumbling hotel where it all began.  It was closed for sure.  There was
no longer a way in.  The boards had all been reinforced.

That explained why everyone was in our room.  Jake said it would be open in
a week.  The kids always worked at the barriers until they were back in.
He took me down to the Mission area.  He told me that when it got hot in
the Castro the kids took up residence in different shells of buildings and
tried to get a place with someone for as long as they could.

After awhile he seemed to want nothing more than to be helpful to me in my
search.  He took me places I knew nothing about.  As the day wore on he
made one stop for himself..  He went into a drug store and came out with a
bag.  He held onto it for quite awhile before opening it to show me a box
of 12 lubed and ribbed Trojans.

I shook my head and protested and wondered what it would be like.  My groin
twitched at the thought.  I remembered my quest.  He smiled and followed
when he wasn't smiling and leading.  He was Carl's age.  Just a little over
seventeen.  He'd joined at sixteen with his parents' consent.  It didn't
make any difference where I went, he followed and he didn't complain.

I was glad.  Without Ty I was alone.  Jake was company.  The uniform
cleared the way for us.  Without Ty, Jake would be my protection, no matter
what he carried in his sack.  I could no longer be alone.  I would die if I
was left alone.  I knew that the longer my search went without success.  I
needed Jake.  I knew that.

We were back in the Castro late in the day.  He went by the room as I
leaned by the diner, waiting.  He returned to report it was empty, clean,
and made up.  No Ty.

"If we don't find him this evening, you going back with me to the room?"

	"I guess.  I think we'll find him."

	"I don't.  He's on a trick.  Someone picked him up for a few days.
He'll be back later in the week.  You shouldn't worry about him.  Don says
they all go on two and three day tricks.  Sometimes they last for a few
weeks or more.."  "You seem to know a lot about it."

"I been down here before."

"You sell yourself?"

"No!  Well, I got paid a few times, but I didn't go for the money.  Some
guys have to pay or it doesn't work.  It's about sex for me.  I mean I go
with someone to do it.  Money is nice if you are broke.  Sex is nice
whether or not you're broke.  Don't you think?"

Several guys stopped and talked to Jake as we stood out next to the diner
windows.  Mostly it was older guys, twenties and thirties.  Some commented
on the uniform and said they wondered where he had been.  About seven
o'clock a couple stopped.  One was tall and thin and the other was shorter
and a little chubby.  They seemed real happy to see Jake.

"Wondered where in hell you went.  We worried you got busted."

"No.  Just joined the army.  Same thing though."

"Why didn't you come by.  You know you are always welcome.  Don't be
hanging on the streets again Jake.  You've escaped pretty easy so far.
Don't tempt it."

"I don't."

He held out the bag.  The tall guy looked in.

"The right start but cutting down on the number of partners is even more
effective than condoms.  Are these for this cute fellow?"

"Yeah!  I hope.  He seems resistant to my devilish charm.  I've done
everything but offered to pay him to take care of my needs.  He ain't
buying none of it.  He knows I need him badly.  Puts me at a distinct
disadvantage."

"Sounds like he's a lot smarter than you, Jake.  I'm Bart and this is
Hank."  They shook my hand.  "Don't let him talk you into anything you
don't want to do.  He'll charm your undies right off you.  Jake is a doll
when he wants something from you.  Just don't give him anything you want to
keep."

I shook their hands and was glad for the human touch, and we exchanged
smiles.  I told them my name and they said I seemed pretty young to be out
here.  I told them I was visiting and not a product of the Castro .  They
smiled their approval and warned that one often gets caught up in the
street and then can't get off.

"Look you two, here's a card for each of you.  Billie Joe, you don't know
us, but we work with the street kids.  Jake does know us and he's tried to
work his way into our hearts for a couple of years.  He knows if you get up
against it and you need a place, well, you have the number.  Night or day.
No strings.  You call and we'll make room.  You want help we'll help.  You
want off the street and we'll help you get off.  No questions asked.  No
preaching.  We don't care what your reasons are.  That's it.  That's our
speech.  Don't forget."

"Thanks," I said, looking at the names and numbers on the card.

"You know them?" I said, as I followed them down the street with my eyes.

"Yeah!  They try to save everyone from the devil."

"Christian?"

"No.  I don't know.  I mean the devil on the streets.  They know some kids
got . . . .  Well, they let some kids hang around their place a few years
ago.  I don't know the entire story but they were the usual street
collection.  They disappeared.  Bart and Hank never stopped looking for
them, asking about them.  A few kids were found up in Golden Gate after
their boys disappeared.  They started taking the kids in.  Trying to get
them off the streets, home, into a program."

"What do you mean, found."

"Dead.  Strangled."

The idea of murder shook me.

"They sound like nice guys."

"Yeah!  They're okay, but no fun.  I came on to both of them all the time.
They just put me to bed and tell me to jerk off.  Most guys love to go with
me but neither one of them ever done nothing more than kiss me on the
cheek, or hug me like my mother did before she died.  Funny guys."  "Can't
they get in trouble for taking in kids?"

"Yeah, CPS tries to stop them but so far they've managed to stay out of
jail.  They're only trying to help."

"CPS?"

"Child Protective Services."

"What do they do?"

"Government agency that protects children."

"With all the kids on the street, how do they protect them?"

"By hassling guys like that to keep them from helping us.  It's the
government.  Too many rules to help anyone but they object to anyone else
trying to help.  Especially gay kids.  They don't want no gay adults
helping no gay kids.  They figure something nasty has to be going on if gay
men are taking in gay kids."

"Why?  So what if they do something?  At least they aren't out here."

"It's not the way government works."

"Sounds like they want to help?"

"Yeah!  They still look for those two boys they kept for awhile.  Never did
hear anything for sure.  I used to think it was the sex they missed, but
since they never touched me, and I'm almost irresistible, well, I figure
they were just trying to help them.  No fun for me, though.  I wanted them
to want me.  When I realized they weren't going to want me, I split."

I looked again to see if I could see Bart or Hank but their heads were lost
in a sea of heads bobbing up and down on the sidewalk.  I looked at the
card and placed it in the front of my underwear for safe keeping.  Other
guys stopped to talk to Jake, mostly older.  I just had a feeling come over
me.  Let it go.  Ty belongs to the streets and there was nothing I could do
about it.  He had no obligation to me save the fact that I was dependent on
him for survival.

I let Jake lead me back to the room.  It was late, but the room was empty.
He turned off all the lights and took off his uniform.  I could see him
because the bathroom door was open and the light always shone into the
clouded window just enough to illuminate the bodies in the room.  He stared
at me while he undressed.  I watched him pull off his underwear before
sitting on the bed.

"You going to undress?"

"Yes."

"Want me to help you?"

"No!  I'm tired."

"That mean I wasted my money on these rubbers?"

"Yes!"

"I can always fill them up with water and throw them at passersby.  They're
different colors, you know.  I don't suppose that makes a difference?  Want
me to sleep in the other bed?"

"No!  I mean I don't like sleeping alone.  You can sleep with me if you
want."

"Let me get this straight.  I can sleep with you but you won't poke me?"

"I don't want to do that."

"You wanted to this morning awful bad.  That's why I bought the condoms."

"I didn't want to.  I mean I did want to, but I didn't.  You know what I
mean."

"Sure I do.  Right.  You're as crazy as the rest of us.  Sleep.  No touch.
Right.  I got it."

"I'm scared of being alone."

"Do you want me to hold you."

"Yes."

"I don't understand you.  You want me to hold you but we can't have sex?"

"You don't have to sleep with me.  I'll be okay."


"No!  I didn't say I wouldn't sleep with you.  I said it doesn't make any
sense.  When I touch someone I want to have sex with them.  You want me to
touch you and not have sex.  Why touch?"

"I need someone to hold me.  I don't need to be having sex all the time
with them."

"All the time.  You jacked me off a couple of times.  That isn't having
sex?  I blew you.  That's having sex, isn't it?  I'll just blow you again.
You don't have to do anything.  You've already let me do that.  You don't
need to touch me.  I'll take care of it."

"I want you to hold me for awhile.  That's all.  If you can't handle it, I
understand."

"Shut up and take your clothes off before you confuse me more.  Hold you.
No sex.  I got it.  I don't fucking understand it but I got it."

"I need to have some control over what I'm doing.  I don't want to be doing
it every time my dick gets hard.  I don't want to be like that."

"Sounds like the right way to be to me.  You get a hard on because you want
to fuck.  Good way to know when you want to fuck, don't you think.  Why get
one if you aren't going to use it.  Fucked up.  I don't know about you.  I
just don't see the point.  Hold.  No sex .  Got it.  Feels like I'm back in
the fucking army."

I slid under the sheet as Jake stood and looked down at me.  His legs
pressed against the bed but he just stood there.

"I like you, Billie Joe.  I wouldn't do it if I didn't like you.  I'd just
go out and get picked up off the block.  I mean if I didn't want to be here
with you I could go off with anyone I wanted, all dressed up in my soldier
suit.  Don't forget that.  I could have gone off with someone.  Like Ty
did.  I didn't because I want to be with you.  I don't want to be with no
one else."

"I know, Jake.  Hold me 'cause you like me."

Jake slid in beside me.  He took a few minutes before he pressed his body
up against mine and wrapped his arms around me.  I felt like I needed to
cry.  Even in his arms I was scared.  Scared for Ty and scared for myself.

He kissed the back of my neck and pressed himself against me.  I felt him
trying to keep his stiffness off my ass but he slowly came to rest with a
soft moan.  I held his hands and took the heat from his body to make me
complete.  I tried not to cry but I did.

I was quiet and didn't let him know about the terror that once again rose
up and threatened to overwhelm me.  The terror in leather and the terror
over Ty's departure.  I didn't have anyone to protect me but the horny
incestuous brother of a sex crazed kid.

			*****

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