Date: Wed, 30 Jan 2002 14:05:48 -0800
From: Rick Beck <bjwalkerjr@37.com>
Subject: Billie Joes Journal Chapter 5

Chapter 5
Is This the End My Friend?

	What are we going to do, kid?"

	"Let's go back to the room."


	"Will you stop.  We got to talk!  You know we got to talk about it
sooner or later."

	"Let's talk about it later."

	"Later I'll be gone, and then I won't know what we're doing.  What
all this means. I can't leave not knowing."

	"You going to stay with me?" I asked, remembering his original
mission.

	Carl looked at me and grabbed my other hand so he was swinging both
of them right in between 1st and 2nd Streets where you could see the front
of Pike's Market.  Hustler's stood in the doors of the magazine shops
waiting for a hungry sugar daddy to take them away and hookers stood just
in the gutter all along the block, waiting for their sugar daddies to whisk
them away.  People in rain coats passed in a flurry, and Carl held both my
hands and looked so deep in my eyes I wanted to jump on him to make him
stop.

	"You know what I have to do."

	"Then we've got nothing to talk about, Carl.  When you leave you're
gone. If I see you again, then we'll deal with that when it happens."

	"You won't write me while I'm over there?"

	"I didn't say that.  I'll write you constantly.  I'll be starting
my next letter when I'm mailing one.  I'll think of you every night, and my
heart will ache because I can't reach out and hold you, but I can't go back
now.  You've opened the door, and I can't go back to Minnesota, to that
stupid lie I lived the past three years.  I won't do it!"  I looked down at
our hands, and my voice dropped almost to a whisper.  "I can't do it."

	"You're nuts.  You've got to go home.  You're a fucking kid.  You
got to go home."

	"I can't Carl.  This kid knows what he feels, and if I can't be
with the man I love, then I'll go somewhere that people will at least let
me be.  I won't live that lie any more.  I can't, and since I don't know
what it all means, I can't tell you I will stay true blue to you.  It's not
fair you going away for a year just when I'm realizing what I want and need
to finally be happy.  It isn't fair, and I won't make that promise to you
because I won't lie for you."

	"You're too young to be out on your own."

	"Maybe.  I'm too gay to go home. I'll find out.  I'm going, Carl.
When you get on that plane, I'm hitching to California. I'm going to find
people who accept me. That ain't going to happen in Minnesota. I do know
that much."

	"You do, you'll get kilt out on the road.  You're a little kid."

	"I'm a smart little kid, and I've grown up the last few days.  I've
grown up to know I can't be living like I did now that I've been with
someone like you.  No way I can do that.  It would be like taking a
beautiful rose in full bloom and putting it in a jar and screwing the top
on so tight it couldn't get no air.  I'd do just what that rose would do,
Carl. I won't go back to that."

	"You're scaring me, Billie.  I can't be thinking about you out
there. I want to keep you safe."

	"Stay then.  If you stay I won't need to go, Carl.  I'll stay with
you forever and I won't ever care about what anyone else does or thinks.
But if you leave me alone and I'm going somewhere that I'm not alone.
That's the thing, you see.  I can't be alone any more.  I been alone
sixteen years. I didn't ask for this but I got it.  You can go hang out
with your marine buddies, but I can't do that. I got no reason to be
pretending about what I am no more.  I'm gonna to where people will like me
because I am me."

	"Why do you sound so smart all of a sudden?  You were a little kid
when we met and now you sound like my girl friend with all the answers."

	"No, not your girl friend. I'm your boy friend, Carl.  I'm your boy
friend and I know what I am, and I won't live a lie.  Never again.  I've
got to go where people want me the way I am. You got to do what you got to
do and that's what I got to do too."

	"Stay with John, then.  He seems cool enough. I'll pay him and that
way you can finish school."

	"I thought of that, and I could stay with John if I wanted, but my
parents would be at him every minute to make me -- force me -- to come
home.  It only works if I get in the wind where they can't get to me and
don't know where to look."

	Carl turned away from me and pulled me along by one arm.  He walked
one giant step ahead of me, and I couldn't catch up to him without running,
and I wouldn't run, so I just walked as fast as I could to keep from having
him drag me onto my face.  His legs were long and his strides were quick
and decisive.  I knew he was like totally pissed at me.  He was leaving me,
and I was angry with him about that.  I wanted him to worry about me, and I
wanted him to be thinking about me.  I wasn't going to make it easy for
him.  I wanted him to feel like I felt.

	"So what's it mean?" he snarled, as he turned and faced me after
two blocks of dragging me with him.

	"You tell me?"

	"Are you going to wait for me or not?  Do you love me or not?"

	"I will be at that gate when you come off the plane.  Yes, I love
you. God do I love you.  But I'm not sitting in Minnesota waiting to see if
your ass comes back to me.  Not going to happen after only a few days,
Carl.  I'm just figuring out who I am. You've opened me up so I can feel
things for the first time in my life.  I can't put it on hold until you get
back to me, if you get back to me.  I've got to go on with my life, Carl.
Whether or not I love you, you won't be here to help me make it through.
If you were we wouldn't be talking about it. You're the one leaving
me. Don't forget that."

	We started walking again and this time Carl's strides were less
angry and thoughtful enough that I could keep up by walking quick-like.  He
stopped after another block.

	"Okay!  I got to go.  You got to go.  You do what you got to do,
Billie.  When I get on the plane I'll be loving you just as much, but you
go and do what you've got to do to keep you going until I come home.  You
get yourself kilt and I'll kill you myself.  You let anyone hurt you and
I'll kick your ass all the way from here to Minnesota where you belong.  I
won't say anything about not loving you if you don't wait for me, because
it wouldn't be true.

	"I'm going to love you forever because you were my first one, and
no one else will ever be my first love. My intentions are to be making you
my second as soon as I come back.  I'm not touching no one while I'm over
there.  No way, no how.  I'm waiting to come off the plane to see your
face, and I'll probably dribble all over myself when I do after a year, but
I'm not even looking at anyone with sex on my mind.  I did it three months,
and I'll do it twelve more."

	"It's up to you.  I'll make no promise.  I can't stop feeling
because after a few days you've gone off to war. You don't have to go, but
you are going.  I plan to find out more about myself once you're gone.  I
won't promise to be true blue to you, because I don't know what I'm going
to find.  I'll be waiting for you one year from now.  That's my promise.
Unhurt, undead, and very much wanting to be your second one and third and
last one forever."

	"Go back to the room," he ordered in a strange voice.

	"What?"

	"I said go back to the room.  There's something I got to do."

	"Find a woman to stick it in 'cause you won't stick in me."

	"If that's what you want to think, Sure.  Some woman to stick it
in. Right!  You ass hole."

	"I don't care.  Go ahead and find a woman.  Maybe that's what you
need."

	"I know what I need.  I got what I need.  I need to walk and think.
Alone!  You give me a lot to think over and I plan to think without you
around on account of I can't think with you around.  I can only think of
one thing when you are around, and I want to think about a lot of shit
right now."

	"Okay.  Give me the key so I can get in."

	"You aren't going out?" He asked as if he was surprised.

	"Only if you tell me where you're going, and then I'll go out to
you."

	"Go to the room."

	"Yes, sir.  I'm going, sir.  You have fun, sir."

	"Fuck you."

	"Now you're talking.  Come on back to the room and you can do just
that. We'll stay there until I get big enough for it to fit me."

	"You are nuts, you know," he said, looking at me as we separated.

	"Never said I wasn't nuts, Ponyboy."

	Carl laughed an ironic little laugh and turned around, going down
hill, back towards the seedy blocks we just left.  I pushed it out of my
mind and walked with one foot in the gutter and one on the curb as cars and
buses splashed water all over me.  I didn't care.  It took me an hour to
walk the three blocks to the hotel.  The manager looked at me funny seeing
me splattered in mud and dirt as I slipped through the entranceway and ran
up the stairs.

	I sat in the dark a long time and cried.  I knew Carl was leaving
me.  I would have said anything to get him to stay.  If he did stay, we'd
live together, and I'd work to support him, but I knew he wasn't staying
with me.  I cried harder before finally taking off all my clothes. I went
and sat in the tub with the water pouring on me and with the steam rising
up into the stale air of the tiny room.

	It was hours before I heard the door shut real soft, but the latch
made a distinctive click I could hear even in the bathtub and because I was
listening for it.  I closed my eyes and leaned back pretending he wasn't
there.  I was mad at him for leaving me for the first time when we could
have been together.  Our precious hours were slipping away from us.

	I heard the door pushed open and I could see his shadow filling the
doorway.

	"You want to come out here a minute?"

	"You want me to meet your bimbo or something?"

	"Fuck you."

	"Get undressed."

	"Fuck you."

	"Get undressed."

	"Get your fucking ass out of the tub.  I ain't playing here."

	As I stood up a shiver ran through me.  I opened the curtain and
felt naked as he looked at me.  He looked from my feet to my face and
smiled at what he saw.  He had one hand behind his back.  He stretched it
out and in it was a royal blue jewelry box.  I looked at him and started
crying.

	"Open it.  Why are you crying?"

	"Because I treat you so mean, and you're so fucking nice all the
time.  That's why."

	"Open it," he ordered.

	I wiped my eyes and opened the top. Inside was a solid gold
bracelet with huge links.  On the top was engraved Billie in the upper left
hand corner and Joe in the bottom right hand corner.

	"It's not right. I want your name on it, not mine."

	"Turn it over, asshole."

	On the bottom was printed the word loves in the upper left hand
corner and on the bottom was the name Carl.  He took the box from me and
put it on the back of the toilet and hugged me as the water ran over him
and me and all over the floor.

	"I paid the jeweler fifty dollars to come back to work to engrave
it.  That's what took me so long.  He only engraves during the day, and I
wanted it tonight. I thought a ring would be a bit much this soon."

	"You're crazy. You couldn't have waited until tomorrow."

	"I'm crazy about you, and I wanted you to have it tonight so you
know what I feel, Billie."

	"Why Billie Joe Loves Carl. Why not Carl Loves Billie Joe?"

	"Because I know I love you.  I want you to remember you love me
while you're on the road.  I want you to look under it where it touches
your skin and see that you love me.  I don't want you to forget that."

	"How could I forget?"

	"Want to prove it to me?"

	"What do you have in mind sailor?" I asked coyly.

	"Well, I just blew a months pay on your ass. I thought maybe we
could... you know."

	"Yeah?"

	"I been dying all the way back up here thinking about you doing
that to me.  I almost stopped to whack off in a doorway, but then I thought
I'd be away from you that much longer and so I didn't whack off.  I need
you to do that for me tonight.  All night tonight if you want. You and me
together."

	"With your clothes on? Get real, big boy," I said in my best May
West voice.

	We kissed there for a long time with water running everywhere.  It
would have been easy to turn it off or for him to get in or me to get out,
but it never came up at the time.  We just wanted each other, and that was
all there was to it. Love is like that.

	When we finally dried off and hung up all the clothes to dry, he
laid me flat on the bed before straddling me. Each time I went up inside of
him the warmth and tight fit shifted my mind on to this billowy cloud that
kept going higher and higher. His hot silken insides kept me fired up and
driving for pleasure. I became his private bull as he rode me into the
night.

	We stayed that way for hours. When I unloaded, our hungry kisses
became warm and tender until the bull got back on his high horse and Carl
rode me again. We didn't know there were limits so we didn't look for
any. We rolled and kissed and wrestled each other after he flooded my face,
neck, and chest with his love, but he always ended back on top of his bull
with my back flat on the bed and my hips pushing up toward the heavens.  It
was the first time we really tried to stick with it for any length of time.

	His head rolled back on his neck, moving around and around while he
moaned louder and louder while doing all he can in an effort to stay
screwed down on me.  My body became a perpetual motion machine I couldn't
stop if I had wanted to, but I didn't.  The longer we went the longer I
wanted to go.  As good as everything was before this was the best of all
because it finally lasted for long enough.  Each time we finished a round
later in the night, we kissed and he leaned forward so he could hold me
against his powerful chest, being ever so careful to keep me inside.

	Rubbing my hands up and down his well-shaped thighs electrified me.
With his legs bent back under him the muscles stood out even more
impressively.  His chest stretched and the muscles shifted as he leaned
back and wiggled down on me, but there was no jiggle or movement that
wasn't a tightly controlled reaction to some move he made. Each of his
muscles was fine tuned and hard.

	With all the things I had to play with it took me awhile to start
on the nipples. That's when I learned the first time was no fluke.  When I
started twisting them, he started losing control of himself immediately.  I
remembered how much he liked me to pinch hard, and so I tried to get just
the perfect pressure between my thumb and forefinger.  Air started gushing
out of his mouth as his prick twitched and jerked in my fingers.  The feel
of it was incredible as his body twisted and ground down on me. He was
moaning a lustful tune and seemed lost some where in space. He reacted to
my hand's quick time motion on his swollen spike, and I squeezed it and
stared at the wide open slit.

	His hole started doing that grabbing thing on my pole. It was a
dead giveaway that he was in launch mode but I was too caught up in the
moment to come to that conclusion. The wet eyes and face was the other sure
tip off that we'd achieved liftoff, only this time his first stream
swooshed past my forehead and onto the backboard with me twisting away on
the ruddy ripe nipple. Then he drilled me in the chin but could only manage
a few squirts onto my chest after that. My hips stayed in motion until I'd
drained my nuts one more time.

I waited for the pleasure of his lips and started to feel worn for the
first time. I was surprised to find the passion still churning in his
kisses. I no longer felt so guilty about wanting him all the time. His cock
had become slightly supple before it once again hardened in my hand.

	We slept for a few minutes with his chest on mine, or at least I
did. I woke up with him massaging my balls and easing off my latest
erection. He'd apparently managed to find a rhythm without me. His hot
breath and thumping heart along with the strained sounds coming from him
told me he was already half way there.

	"I'm not going to let myself.  I'm going to hold on," he gasped
through clenched teeth as my fist went right to his main vain.

	"Me too," I lied, feeling it already pumping up out of my nuts as
he was massaging them more vigorously while bouncing up and down on my
dick.

	"I am.  I swear I am!" He pledged.

	He gasped during this speech, rocking and rolling with every muscle
in his body tensed to the max in his effort to hold off, but he was already
far beyond the point of no return.  Even his neck had tightened, and his
feet curled up with his toes twitching against my legs as he moaned at the
ceiling and gurgled some unearthly sound.

	"I am," he gushed out in a flood of air, and that wasn't all that
gushed out.

He'd almost made a believer out of me until the hot wet liquid hit my eye
with considerable force and than a new squirt splashed up my nose and then
there was the stuff in my hair from this time or the last time or
both. That shudder he gave off while unloading finished me off. Waking up
like that with him engaged with me that way, instantly took me to the
brink. There was all this heat running up through my best part and I almost
threw him off by forcing my hips up while all the time thinking I wasn't
doing that too forcefully.

	Then as I gasped for air I took in my first taste of that white
stuff he was issuing around the room with impunity.  It went right into my
gaping mouth.  It was my fault.  I had control of the thing, but even so, I
choked and coughed and wanted to spit it out, but it ran back on my tongue
and I swallowed while trying to expel it.  It wasn't that bad.  In fact, I
came to think it wasn't anything like I thought it would be coming from
where it came from, but I felt I was getting pretty weird and all, doing
stuff with Carl. So don't take my word for it.

	He was leaning back on his two hands which he placed beside my
knees, and the muscles in his stomach and chest all seemed to run together
as they heaved, trying to calm down.  There was more of that stuff dripping
onto the middle of my chest as I breathed real hard while struggling to
watch everything that was going on around me.

	He sat there for a long time with his eyes closed.  He didn't move
except for him breathing.  My breathing went back to normal and I rubbed on
those thighs and looked at him all over the tops of my legs the way he
stretched back and all.  After a while he leaned forward real slow and
stayed on top placing his hands beside my shoulders.  He opened his eyes,
looking down at my face.  I knew his lips were coming, but it took five
minutes more for them to get there.  Then it was like that first kiss.

	He held them over me and only let them barely touch mine.  He moved
his so they were like a wispy bit of wind traveling past, barely touching
my skin.  I wanted them pressed and crushed into mine!  I wanted his lips
and tongue and mine joining to become one. He was so gentle afterwards. I
felt him go soft for the first time in hours. It was a good feeling,
holding it at rest for change.

	I was asleep before I knew it. I don't think I moved and I don't
know how long I slept, but when I woke and kissed his waiting lips, he woke
as well, like we had just take a break so we could keep going. We both knew
we were saving it up so we'd remember this night during the long lonely
months ahead.

We were quickly rocking and rolling and the bed was squeaking and
squawking, but we showed it no mercy as we rode off to destinations
unknown.  We traveled as one and rode off into the light fixture and flew
around the ceiling and up through the slats of the window blinds and out
into the cool damp Seattle night.  Our bodies left us and explored the
universe floating up through the stars and constellations.  Just dust
mingling together and sharing one universal existence.

	We rode and moved through the night and only when first light shone
in through the window did we know we were too exhausted to take the ride
again.  Only then did we separate and Carl lay beside me with his lips
barely touching mine.  My eyes studied his gorgeous face and his freckles
and eyelids as they danced and drooped for me while lines of fatigue had
become etched into his face.  Our arms and legs tangled all together as
every ounce of energy in my body was expended for the first time in my
life.

	Each time together I thought we had done all there was to do, and
it was as good as it could ever be, and then the next time it got so much
better I couldn't remember the last time at all.

We held each other and stared into one another's eyes until we drifted away
from one another, falling into sleep as the stars twinkled out one by one
by one.

				   *****

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bjwalkerjr@37.com

If you ARE enjoying this, try my other story, DISCOVERING GREGORY,
/nifty/gay/highschool/discovering-gregory/