Date: Tue, 23 Mar 2004 21:10:20 -0800 (PST)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 12

Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 12

(Author's notes: All the usual disclaimers, legal and copy write)


From Jim's perspective:

I had called Sara and asked for Jamie, but she had told me that he was
spending the weekend at Steve's. She gave me the number. I asked Rick if he
knew they would be together this weekend and he plead the 5th.  I thought
it would be great if the four of us went to see LATTER DAYS at the Angelica
theater downtown. I figured if we caught the late afternoon showing, few
people would be there. I dialed the number at Steve's and he answered.

"Hello."

"Hi Steve, this is Jim, Jamie's father. Is Jamie there?"

"Ah...yes he is. Let me go get him."

I waited for a few minutes for Jamie to get to the phone. I could hear
conversation between the two, but I couldn't make it out. Finally.

"Hi, Dad." Jamie said. He didn't sound his usual self.

"Jamie, are you alright?"

"I guess I am," he said sounding down.

"Okay, the reason I called is there is a movie I would like to take all of
us to at the Angelica downtown. Show starts at 4:30. Could you guys meet us
here at about 3:30 here and we could go."

"Sure Dad that would be fine. We will be there."

"Okay see you soon." I hung up the phone. I looked over at Rick.

"I suspect something is up Rick" "Why Jim?"

"Jamie didn't sound right."

"Jim, Steve told me that they were going to take on the final level of
their relationship this weekend. I hope everything went all right."

"Me, too."

The boys arrived at 3:30 and we climbed into my SUV and headed downtown. I
deliberately didn't tell the boys what we were seeing. Hope they don't
mind. Rick and the boys went in as I bought the tickets. Jamie seemed
quieter than normal. He hung close to Steve. We bought popcorn and headed
into the theater. I herded everyone into seats. No one commented on the
title displayed outside the auditorium. I sat next to Jamie as Steve sat on
the other side of him. Rick sat next to me. The lights went down and we had
to endure the numerous trailers before the movie began.

Throughout the movie, Rick and I held hands. The movie was funny, sad and
tough to watch. The young Mormon missionary falls for a neighbor boy and is
caught in a near compromising situation and his world collapses as his
homosexuality is revealed.  When the lights came up I heard crying. I
looked over at Jamie and he had his head in his hands whimpering away.

"Jamie...Jamie, what is wrong?"

He just continued to cry. Poor Steve looked so lost as he had his arm
around Jamie.

I grabbed Jamie's arm and stood him up and said," Let's go."

We all headed out of the theater and got into my SUV. I didn't start the
car. I looked in the back seat at Steve and Jamie.

"Okay, guys, tell us what is going on."

Jamie didn't say anything. Steve just looked like a whipped puppy.

"Okay, we are going back and when we get there, we are going to talk
fellas."

The drive back was so very quiet. Jamie looked shook up. Steve did too in a
way. I glanced at Rick who had that look of concern on his face. We got
home and went inside. Once inside Jamie began crying again, this time on
Steve's shoulder. I grabbed Jamie and took him to the bedroom and left
Steve in the living room with Rick.


>From Rick's perspective:

"Sit down Steve. Can you tell me what's going on?"

"I don't know if I can, Rick."

"Did something happen that has Jamie all upset?"

"I don't know for sure, Rick. This morning in the shower he told me we had
to talk and then he just broke down crying, saying 'what are we going to do
now'."

"Did you and Jamie take the next level?"

Steve looked a little embarrassed and said, "Yes, we did."

"Did you guys talk like he suggested?"

"Not really, he just cried and I didn't know what to do except hold him. I
have never seen him like this before. I'm scared for him, Rick. Did I do
something wrong?"

"I don't think so Steve. "

"I love him so much Rick, if I can't help with whatever this is, how can I
ever help him in the future?"

"It helps if Jamie is using communication and tells you what is going
on. If he doesn't, then you are stuck trying to figure it out. How was he
when he got the phone call from his Dad?"

"I got him to stop crying and gave him the phone. When he hung up, he told
me we were going to a movie that his Dad and you were taking us. He still
wouldn't talk much, just sort of hung on me the whole time. Rick, we have
never had a fight or major disagreement. We have always been open with each
other. This just blows me away."

"Don't blame yourself, Steve. It seems to me that whatever it is has to do
with you guys and your missions and today's movie just compounded the
situation. Except your situation with being gay and going on a mission is
quite a bit different"

Steve looked like he was thinking, trying to make sense of all this.

"The missionary in the movie had been hiding it his whole life. Jamie and I
have been hiding together. Do you think Jamie has changed his mind Rick?"

I could tell this was hurting him. I just hoped Jim was making headway in
the bedroom.

"Remember when I told you about loving these Haines guys, well this is a
time when it will come in handy that we do. As far as Jamie is concerned, I
am sure he hasn't changed his mind about you. Remember he was crying on
your shoulder."

"I know."


>From Jim's perspective:

I had heard Jamie out. He explained why he was feeling the way he was.

"Jamie, you have to tell Steve how you feel, you can not leave him up in
the air like you have today. If he means so much to you, then don't ever
shut him out. A relationship is about communication. I can almost be
certain that he is out there telling Rick how lost and concerned he is
about you."

"Dad, I know, but I am afraid of losing him. I can't lose him, he is
everything to me."

"Jamie, are you sure you don't want to think about this some more? Don't
you think that since you two are a together it is something you need to
discuss with each other?"

I looked Jamie in the eyes, wondering how tough it must be for him. I
didn't go through this as his age and I know from experience the struggle
that goes with the lifestyle, just that his problems are different than
mine were.

"Jamie, you and I are going out there and you are going to talk to
Steve. You are going to tell it straight and not leave him like this."

Jamie looked almost defiant, but reluctantly got up with me and we headed
for the living room.

Rick and Steve, I am sure, had their chat. I hoped it went better than mine
did. Jamie went over and sat down next to Steve. Jamie turned so he could
look at Steve and Steve turned also. I sat next to Rick.

"I am sorry Steve for doing this to you today. I had some realizations that
I was afraid to tell you. I don't want to lose you. I love you too much. "
I could see the tears in his eyes.

"Steve, I know we had made plans to go on our missions but I am having
second thoughts about a mission."

Jamie was stroking Steve's hand at this point.

"After last night, I came to realize that I don't want to be away from you
for two years. I am 'in love' with you, Steve. You are more important to me
than a mission. When I watched that movie today, it just made it more
clearly for me that it would tear me up if I didn't see you for two
years. When I was in your arms in the shower this morning, I knew for sure,
it was where I belonged...with you. Always. I know I agreed to our plan for
school and our missions, but I can't do that, not now, not knowing you like
I do."

The room was quiet except for Jamie crying against Steve's shoulder
again. His arms were so tight around poor Steve. Steve looked up at us; he
had tears in his eyes. The uncertainly was visible in his eyes. He had one
hand rubbing Jamie's back and the other stroking his hair. Steve started
talking to Jamie.

"Jamie, oh Jamie, what am I going to do with you?" He continued stroking
Jamie's back and hair as he continued.

"Jamie, I am too am 'in love', with you. I can't imagine my life with out
you. If that is all you want is for us to go to school and not go on a
mission, I can live with that. I only agreed to our plans because you
wanted to go on your mission so badly and I loved you enough to let you
go. I didn't want you to have any regrets about going or not going. I would
have been miserable on my mission, but I would have had my faith to get me
through it and the satisfaction of knowing that you were doing what you
wanted to do."

Jamie sat up and the two of them embraced each other.

"I am so sorry Steve, I am so sorry."

"I am sorry to Jamie."

I let this love fest continue for a minute or two before I spoke up.

"Well, guys, I can't expressed any stronger about communication between you
two. If you are not honest with each other, than trust does not exist."
They both were looking up at me. "You both kept something from each other,
fearing the other would think you were being selfish. If you 'talk' to each
other COMPLETELY than there is total honesty in your relationship. I have
not held anything back from Rick and I have found that he hasn't held
anything back from me, and we work so well together. Communication kills
more integrity in relationships than anything else I have found.  If, you
guys look up to us, than take that lesson as the best and everything else
will fall into place."

"If I know anything about gay men, guys "said Rick, "it is that they
continually change their minds. You have a whole year to decide for sure if
you not to going on your missions. But I have a feeling that from watching
you two, I doubt whether you will. I will tell you never stop telling each
other how you feel about anything. You have a lot of things to decide on
together about school and how to tell your families that you are not going
on your missions. Telling your parents Steve and telling your mother Jamie,
that you boys are gay and together is going to be rough but you have Jim
and me to help you through it. And, if I find out that one of you has hurt
the other by not communicating, I will hunt you down and kick your butt."

Rick is so eloquent at times, but my sentiments exactly. The boys hung
around for about an hour and went back to Steve's. Rick and I watched
PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT for the tenth time together. We both love
that movie.

The next night, Sunday, I called Jamie at his home and asked him how he
was, he told me things were fine for him and Steve, except both of them
were pretty sore and I told him they should not have over done it. Ah, to
be young again.

The next day at the office I had a meeting with Travis, Tyler's brother. He
called and asked to come in. I was more than happy to see him.  Travis came
in and took the recliner.

"How are you Travis?"

"I am doing okay."

"What brings you in today?"

"I wanted to talk about Tyler and his situation."

"What in particular is on your mind?

"I know Tyler went to Illinois to find Gary and I wanted to ask you about
that. Did you encourage him to do that?"

"I encouraged Tyler to find him and to give each other closure as Tyler had
regrets about how he ended it with Gary."

"So you knew that Tyler and Gary were lovers?"

"They never got that far. Gary offered him a relationship and Tyler
declined. Gary was trying to get Tyler to stop being reckless and careless
with his sexual encounters. Actually, Gary offered him an out from
everything and Tyler couldn't give it up."

"I knew Gary, he was a family friend. I understand it was 3 years after
they met before anything happened, but it is hard to imagine."

"Travis, what is hard to imagine?"

"The sex between those two."

"Why are you torturing yourself with those thoughts?"

"I don't know, I guess...I don't know, really."

"Are you bitter towards Tyler?"

"Somewhat."

"What would it take for you to met and sit down and talk to Tyler?"

"I don't know, doctor. A part of me wants to and the other part says no."

"I think you want him back in your life, don't you Travis?"

"Yes, I do. But if I do, I would feel like I am betraying the family."

"What does the family have to do with your relationship with Tyler?"

"I don't' know."

"Do they have to know right now if you two meet?"

"No, I guess not."

"Would it be easier if I arranged a meeting here in my office."

"I don't know if I am ready."

"I think you do. That's why you are here, isn't it? Travis, what is so
different now than what it was before you went on your mission? He is still
your brother, he likes guys, and you like girls, all the other interests
you had are still there."

"I guess you could be right. I will agree to a meeting, but I am not making
any promises."

"Fair enough."

"Give me your school or work schedule and I will make the arrangements with
Tyler and call you will the availability."

Travis did and we parted. My next appointment was out in the waiting room
and I went to get him. It's Terry Alberts. Terry takes the seat on the
couch next to my recliner rocker.

"How's it going Terry with your father?"

"The same. I want to tell him so bad, doctor, but I am so afraid."

"What is the worst he can do Terry?"

"Throw me out. Cut off my college money. I don't know what I would do."

"Have you started taking the medication for the depression?"

"Yes."

"How long have you been on it?"

"About 2 weeks."

"Okay."

"Doctor, will I have trouble getting...ahh...erections while I am on the
medications?"

"It might, if it does, just call your primary care doctor and ask him to
switch it."

"Okay."

"Have you been sexually active since the last time we were here?"

"Yes. I met a guy on line. I have seen him a couple of times."

"Tell me about him."

"He is about 45, slim build, about 6 feet tall."

"You are going for an older guy?"

"Yes, and it has been very nice. He has taught me a few things."

"Like?"

"How to give oral sex better. He gave me my first blowjob. Wow. He
introduced me to anal sex too."

"Did you practice safe sex?"

"Yes, we both wore condoms."

"So you topped and bottomed with this man?"

"What's that?"

"Well, when you top, that means you were inside him, when you bottomed, he
was inside you."

"Oh yeah, I did both."

"He is rough or gentle with you?"

"He has always been gentle with me. Never hurts me in any way."

"Do you plan to see him again?"

"Oh yes, I like being with him. Sex with him is so different than anything
else I ever did before. We kiss and touch. We cuddle and I love taking
showers with him."

"Tell me about your Dad, Terry."

"He is 44, slim build, some graying at the temples..." his mind was racing
at the implication. "No way, I am not looking for a Daddy substitute."

"Have you seen your father naked, Terry?"

"Yes, I have. He is ugly and all gross. Bill is nice and hairy, his chest
is built, has a six pack and his cock is bigger than my Dad's."

"Does Bill give you what your Dad doesn't?"

"Yeah, he talks to me, tells me how bright I am, how good looking I am and
when he hugs me, I just feel so wanted."

"Think about it, Terry. You are getting the emotional needs from a man
about the same age and build as your father. You are sexually attracted to
an older man. I just want you to be careful about your feelings towards
this man. Don't get hurt. I think you need to be more emotionally stronger
before you get into a relationship."

"I don't think it is going into a relationship, mostly it is sex. I feel
more comfortable with this man than I did with anyone my own age."

"Okay, just be careful."

"I am and I will remember what you said about getting stronger. But my Dad
has this way of deflating me all the time."

"Well, as long as you know what it is he is doing instead of letting
yourself be the victim of it, you will be stronger."

Terry looked thoughtful for a while. Then he looked up at me and asked,"
Why am I gay? Did my father have anything to do with it?"

"Why are you gay? Hmmm. Let's see. Terry if you are gay, then it is as
nature intended, research has shown that it is created within the genes of
the parents. In that sense, your father had a part in it. If you are asking
me if the treatment you have received from your determined your sexual
orientation, than that answer would be no."

"I don't want to be gay, doctor."

"I don't think I the majority of gay men would want to be gay. It is a
matter of self-acceptance. If there was a choice, I think most gay men
would choose the life of normalcy. We are taught growing up that all boys
will meet and marry a woman. Then as they grow older, some discover, with
dread, that they are not attracted to women. For some guys, the hurdle of
acknowledgment can be hard or it can be easy.  Being gay is not the choice,
the choice is between living your life as your nature intended or living
your life pretending to be heterosexual, which includes the capability of
sexual function with a woman. There are bi-sexual men who can function
comfortably in both directions. Some bi-sexual men sometimes lean in one
direction or the other. Where do you think your sexual orientation falls
into, Terry?"

"Doctor, to be perfectly honest, I can't get an erection looking at a naked
woman. As soon as I see a good-looking man, naked or dressed, I get
aroused. I can't see my self with a woman."

"So you are comfortable with being gay then?"

"Most of the time. I know the time will come when my family will find
out. Yes, I will enjoy watching my Dad and brothers react erratically.  It
will be hard to face my mother who will be disappointed in me."

"There comes a time when you must learn to live for yourself and not for
others. Then some of that will change when you find that special person to
settle down with. You are still young. You have a lot of experiences to yet
to encounter. What is important is how you live for tomorrow after you have
reflected on today."

With that our session ended with Terry coming back next week.  It has been
quite a day; I am tired and anxious to feel Rick's arms around me. I got
home around 6. Traffic on I-45 was slow due to an accident. I walked in to
the house and Rick was in the kitchen, cooking as usual. He turned and had
that great smile on his face he has when he sees. We embraced as my cell
phone went off.

"Hello."

"Doctor Haines?"

"Yes."

"This is Tyler. I need your help."

"What's wrong?"

"It's Gary, I had to bring him to the hospital."

"Which one?"

Tyler told me and Rick and I headed for Tyler.


End of Chapter 12