Date: Mon, 7 Feb 2005 20:00:21 -0800 (PST)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 22   adult/youth

Born To Be A Missionary

Chapter 22

From Jim's perspective:


I left Joel to consider things. I went to the nurses' station and told the
nurses I wanted to speak with Joel and Terry's doctors. I had a plan.

I went down towards Gary's room and Rick was waiting for me.

"Are they still in there?"

"Yes, they are."

 "Okay". I said.

I walked into the room. Everybody was standing around the bed.  Travis had
his arm around Tyler.

"Would it be alright with everyone if I spoke to Tyler alone?"

"Yes, doctor," said Tyler's father looking up at me. "We will be just
outside."

Tyler's parents turned to leave. Travis didn't move.

"Can I stay, please?" Travis asked.

"I really need to speak to Tyler alone, Travis."

"Okay," he said reluctantly.

"I will be just outside Tyler." Travis said as he turned to leave.

Tyler remained next to the bed holding onto Gary's hand. I knew time had
stopped for him. Just being with Gary was all that mattered to him. I stood
at the foot of the bed.

"How are you doing Tyler?"

Tyler glanced up at me.

"Does it always hurt like this?"

"Yes."

Tyler sort of grimaced. There was no escape from the feelings he was
having.

"Tyler, when you said earlier that in the dream, Gary told you this was
going to happen. What did he actually say to you?"

Tyler's left hand went up to Gary's head and he started to rub his
forehead.

"Gary told me to go on with my life."

"So he didn't expect to come back?"

"No, I don't think so."

"What else did he say?"

Tyler seemed to start struggling to hold his composure. But, he lost as
tears started to fall onto his cheeks.

"He told me not to grieve for him too long that I had way too much to do
with my life to help others, spiritually."

"What do you think he meant about 'much to do with your life'?"

"Gary kept telling me before he got sick, that I could do wonders for other
gay men and their spirituality. He's the one who believed I was born to be
a missionary and he didn't want me to miss that calling."

"Do you think that if you had gone on your two year mission, that the
missionary spirit and calling would have ended when you went home?" I
asked.

"I don't know, I hadn't thought of that. I suppose we are all supposed to
live the missionary spirit all the time. Besides, I resigned from the
church, so it doesn't matter anymore does it?"

"It does matter. Do you think Rick and I are not spiritual since we left
the church? We are. We study the scriptures together. We pray
together. Just because we left the church doesn't mean we don't still
believe the teachings. We do. We are grateful for the time we have had
together and for our missions that brought us together. I appreciate the
blessings I have everyday. My sons are a great joy of inspiration for both
of us. Our relationship would not have been as strong as it has without our
faith."

"Gary had so much faith in me. Too much I think."

"No, I don't think so. A lot of us have faith in you and you should go on
with your life in the spirit that Gary wanted."

Tyler looked up at me, "I don't think I am worthy of anyone's faith."

"I think you are wrong about that."

"If I was worthy than why did I lose the love of my life?"

"You don't know that, Tyler. Gary was your first love. Cherish that with
all of your heart. He will always be in your heart and your heart is big
enough to let others in."

"I don't know."

"I do. Gary will always be a part of who you are. Having known him as
changed you forever. His death will be a life experience that will give you
wisdom and understanding.  His words to you in the dream will always
inspire you. Those words should give you peace of mind since he had the
chance to say good bye to you."

I could tell Tyler was thinking about that.

"I promised."

"You promised what, Tyler?"

"That I would do what he asked me to do."

"Do you believe you can keep that promise?"

Tyler looked up at me, this time with a smile, "I am going to try."

"Good."

We stood for a few moments and said nothing.

"Tyler?"

"Yes."

"I thought you would like to know that Terry and Joel are awake."

"They are? That is great news."

"I would like you to go see them with me."

"I would like that, doctor. Will you give me a few minutes alone with
Gary."

"Sure I will." I left the room.


>From Tyler's perspective:


I looked upon Gary now. He looks like he is asleep.

"I am so going to miss you Gary. In the short time we had together, you
gave me so much and I didn't give you enough. I will always love you. I
will never forget you. I promise to try and live up to your potential of
me. I will thank God everyday you came into my life."

"I know he loved you so much, Tyler."

I turned in surprise to find Gary's mother standing inside the room.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"A few minutes. I heard what you said. I am glad he found someone
before..."

I walked over to her and put my arms around her. We both cried together.

I stood back.

"Are you okay?"

"I have lost a son, I don't think I ever will be okay again."

I nodded my head. I understood.

"I will have Gary cremated. When we are both ready, we can spread his ashes
wherever you like," she said.

"I would like that."

I kissed her forehead and left the room to give her time with Gary.



>From Jim's perspective:


I saw Tyler come out of the room. I told Gary's mother before she went
in. Wasn't how I planned to do it, but it just couldn't be avoided.

"How is she?" I asked.

"She's okay." Tyler said.

Tyler walked over to his parents and told them he was okay. He had some
things to do before leaving the hospital. He asked Travis to stay while his
parents left.

"Doctor, there are things I need to know about the dream so would it be
okay if I asked Terry and Joel about the dream?"

"I think that would be fine, Tyler."

"The dream may be the last pieces of Gary's life I will ever have."

"I know."

I decided to go see Joel first. The four of us, Tyler, Travis, Rick and I
entered Joel's room. An orderly was there since someone has to stay with
Joel to keep an eye on him since he was still considered a possible danger
to himself. I excused the orderly.  Joel looked to be asleep. Tyler walked
up to him and placed his hand on his. Joel opened his eyes and looked at
Tyler.

"Hi there," Tyler said.

"Hi."

The rest of us remained near the foot to of the bed.

"You look better than the last time I saw you." Tyler said.

"In the dream?"

"Yes."

"How is Gary?"

"Gary passed through the veil, Joel."

"Oh, I am so sorry for you. I would like to have met him. He held my hand
all through the dream. I figured he had a caring and compassionate nature
to him."

"He did."

"I was hoping we all had come back," than Joel looked towards me, "is Terry
alright?"

"Yes, Joel," I said, "He too, is awake."

"Good. I would like to talk to him."

"That can be arranged Joel, if he wants to."

"I hope so."

"Joel, I would like to hear the whole story of the dream. I only remember
when I was there." Tyler asked.

"Oh, yeah, I can do that."

Joel than described his recollections of the dream, filling in some details
I hadn't heard yet. As Joel was speaking, I could tell a bond was forming
between Joel and Tyler. I think we were all taken aback from the
experience. Yes, it was just a dream. But to have four different
individuals have the same dream or part of is a phenomenon. The details
were impressive as each agreed with what they saw.  My cell phone went off
and I excused myself from the room.

"Hello."

"Dad, it's Jamie."

"How's it going with you two?"

"Fine, Dad. Steve's dad left a message on the machine for you. He wants to
meet with you."

"Okay. Did he leave a number?"

"Yeah." Jamie gave me the number.

"Tell Steve I will call him. What are you guys doing for dinner?"

"We were waiting for you and Rick."

"I don't know when we will be home. You guys may have to fend for
yourself."

"Okay, dad. Love ya dad."

"Love ya to Jamie."

We disconnected. Rick had come out and I told him about the
conversation. He said things were going well in the room.

 I sent Rick back in as I saw Joel's doctor. I asked him how long Joel
would be in ICU and he said after examined Joel and everything looked all
right that he would release him from ICU. He wanted to make sure all the
toxins were out of his system. I told the doctor my plan for Joel and he
agreed that would be fine.

I walked towards Terry's room. I got his doctor coming out of his room. I
asked how Terry was doing and he was very optimistic. I asked how long he
would keep Terry in ICU and said since he was now awake that he could be
moved to a regular room. Both doctors were actually surprised that they had
come out of their comas so quickly.

I went to the nurses' station and made the necessary phone calls to make
the arrangements for Joel and Terry.

I returned to Joel's room. Joel was telling his story about Brian to
everyone. He seemed stronger this time when he told it. Like a survivor, I
think. When he spoke of Brian's appearance in the dream, he tried to do so
without crying. He had tears escape his eyes and Tyler wiped them off his
face. Then Tyler hugged him and told him that they would be friends from
now on.

I told the guys we had to go visit Terry and all promised to see Joel again
soon.

"Doctor, will you stay a minute?" Joel asked.

"Sure."

The rest of the group left.

"I have been thinking about what you said about earlier about different
people and what they do. I know I am sad and depressed. I couldn't help
myself. I thought I had only one option to stop the pain. Seeing Brian in
the dream helped me realize that I have too many things to do with my life
yet. I got to hold him one more time. I got to say good bye to him."

"What do you want to do now, Joel?"

"Get better."

"Are you going to do this for Brian or for you?"

"Both. He is being paying his pentanance for what he had done. If I recover
and live my life, he will have his redemption. It's up to me."

"What about your parents?"

"My mother is here. She didn't reject me. She told me that she would rather
have me gay and alive than...."

"Yes."

"My father is another story."

"Give him time, Joel."

"I will."

"I think he will come around to everything,it would be alot for a parent to
accept the shock of finding your son the way he did and finding out that
the son is homosexual. I don't think he wants to face you just yet."

"He is ashamed of me. I know. Mom says no, but that is what I believe."

"I think it is more of a matter of disappointments rather than shame,
Joel."

"Right now, my concern is how YOU feel about yourself?"

"I know I need help. I know I have alot to consider about what I have
done."

"Yes you do. We will work it all out. I think the dream will be a key to
helping you and Terry recover.

"It just seems so weird. The dream that is. It's like we are all connected
now."

"I do plan to explore that with all of you."

"Okay, I think that would be good."

"Don't worry, it should be."

I left Joel's room and found all the guys waiting for me. I pulled Tyler
aside.

"Tyler, how much information to you have about Gary's conversation to the
church?"

"Not much. I know he brought with him some files. It might have one on
church business. I will look to see.  What is it your are looking for?"

"I want to find the two missionaries who taught and baptized him. The ones
in the dream."

"Ahh. I would like that. Do you think they had the dream too?"

"Maybe. If they did, we might get some more information."

"You are probabaly right. When I get home tonight, I will look through his
files. Travis will be with me so he can help."

"Tyler, are you going to be alright tonight?"

"I don't know. I think so."

"Okay. You said Travis will be there for you. I'm glad. I know you won't be
alone tonight. When my brother lost his wife, he said the house was full of
people, but he never felt so alone as when he went to the bedroom and
closed the door. The one time he needed his wife the most was when she
couldn't be there. He said he greived all night long before falling asleep,
completely exhausted.  Grief is something one does alone. If it becomes too
difficult for you, call me. Anytime."

"I think I will be alright. But thanks, I will call if I need to."

"Good. Let's grab the guys and head to Terry's room."

We got to Terry's room. Rick and Travis hadn't seen Terry before and both
seemed a little stunned by his appearance. His brother and mother were
there. Terry seemed a little down. I had my secret weapon with
me...Tyler. Tyler went right up to the bed and introduced himself to
Terry. Terry looked at him strangely. Then the recognition hit.

"You were in my dream."

"Yes, I suppose I was," Tyler said.

"You were the guy who spoke for Brother Gary."

"Yes, I was."

"Is there anyone else who had the dream," Terry asked.

"Yes, there is one other." I said.

"There was only the older guy next to me and the younger guy who cried all
the time."

"The older man was Gary, my boyfriend."

"Yeah, seemed like a nice guy...he held my hand. It felt nice. It was like
he knew I needed someone."

"I know," Tyler said.

"I don't really know why I was there, I am not a Mormon."

"We know that. There was a reason you were there...on a spiritual level. I
am trying to piece together everything that happened in the dream. Would
you tell me what you remember?" asked Tyler.

Terry gave his version of the dream. He thought it was all too weird. With
the men in white with green aprons, the three of them naked under a white
spotlight while everyone else was completely dressed. He said that when his
brother was there, he felt pride that his little brother told him that he
too was gay in front of the panel. His version was nearly identical to
Joel's version. He said he was touched by the reunion of Joel and Brian.

"I realized that I was witness to something far greater or beyond me."
Terry said.

Then he looked at Tyler.

"I also, felt the longing you had for Gary. I also thought that Gary did
not expect to come back to you. I hope he was wrong."

Tyler lowered his head, shaking it 'no'.

"I think we have tired out Terry so we should go for now." I said. Rick
took all the guys out.

I asked Kevin and his mother to leave me alone with Terry. Than it was just
Terry and me.

Terry looked so uncomfortable.

"How's the pain?"

"It comes and goes."

"Do you want to tell me why you did it?"

"Did what?"

I didn't answer. I stood there looking at him.

Finally, with resignation Terry said, "I know what you mean."