Date: Mon, 28 Feb 2005 04:25:44 -0800 (PST)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 23    adult/youth

(Author's notes: The usual disclaimers and copyright info. I am still
amazed that I am getting so many positive emails. Thanks.)


Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 23


From Jim's perspective:


"I guess I got what I asked for, huh doctor?"

"Terry, you didn't ask to be beat up."

"But I did provoke my father, and now my family has fallen apart. I watched
as my mother cried telling me it was her fault. That she and my father's
marriage hadn't been good for a long time. That she had been waiting to
leave him. She wishes now that she had done it sooner. She blames herself
for what happened...but, it is MY fault."

"No, it isn't. What ever happened to your family, it was the dysfunctional
relationship that your father and mother had, that will ultimately resolve
it self to whatever means. I suspect the marriage was in trouble for a long
time. I suspect, also, that your father came from a dysfunctional family
and that he never learned how to be a caring and loving person. You did
everything you could growing up trying to get him love you and accept
you. Than, after a while you lived with him in fear and defiance. Your
youngest brother lived in quiet fear. I believed your mother also lived in
fear.  It took this incident for your mother to take up her courage and
leave him."

Terry closed his eyes with tears running out. When he spoke, he voice
trembled.

"This ... has created so many more problems. Why me?"

I walked up to the side of his bed.

"Terry, look at me."

Slowly he opened his eyes.

"Terry, there is more going on here than you realize. Consider it all as a
blessing in disguise. You have your mother and your brother, here, by your
side. Supporting you. Accepting you. Loving you. You have family you
deserve and care about you. Never take that for granted."

"I know."

"Than why do you feel so guilty than?"

"Because I am gay."

"Do you really thing that is your fault?"

"I don't know. I have so much to consider. In my dream the two guys in
suits said it was inherited by the genes of my parents."

"Yes, that is to be the considered the scientific answer."

"My parents gave this to me, they made me gay...is that what they were
saying?"

"Yes. It must run in the family if your brother is gay too."

"Then why isn't my other brother gay too?"

"Some genes are stronger than others, the mix is different each time. You
have brown hair and your brother has blond hair. You have brown eyes and he
has blue. I guess it basically the luck of the draw. We never had that
choice. Changing your hair color is easy, just by a box of hair
dye. Changing your eye color is easy by putting a color contact in your
eye. Changing your sexual attraction isn't so easy to change."

"I don't want to be gay."

"Most gay men don't want to be either."

"So, I am stuck with this?"

"Well, you have choices to consider."

"Limited I suppose?"

"Depends on your point of view. Gay men get married everyday and have
families. They are the ones who can push their sexual feelings aside. Their
sexual urges for the same sex are not as strong as others. Gay men get
married to hide their sexuality, which was the standard course of action
for so many in past generations. Even today, some men get married and lead
a double life and live in dread that they will be found out. Some gay men
reject their inclinations and try to end their life. As a gay young man,
all you have found is sadness. I can tell you that gay men can have a happy
and stable life. It is entirely up to the individual."

"I can't be fixed than?"

"If you are straight, a fix is not needed. To be gay, the choices to get
fixed are limited and for some non-existent.  Many Christian organizations
have their own intervention programs. Despite their efforts, there is no
cure for homosexuality. It has existed since the beginning of man."

"What do I do now?"

"That is, of course, your choice. I suspect you had sex with men as a
defiant reaction to your father, though you may be sexual attracted to
men. You have yet to feel more than the sexual feelings. The feel of
intimacy with another person with what being loved and being in love is all
about."

"I understand what you are saying, but could one of those intervention
programs work for me?"

"Terry, would you want to endure a program for yourself or would you be
trying to please your father again?"

Terry laid his head back and closed his eyes. I saw a single tear fall from
his left eye.

"I guess I don't really know what I want right now."

 "You know, these are the things we would have discussed in our sessions
once I could get you beyond the anger. Anger you had for yourself for
having homosexual feelings and anger for you father."

"I am not angry anymore, I guess my Dad and brother beat that out of me. I
think I am just scared right now."

"Yes, I know. But there isn't anything to be scared of anymore"

Terry nodded his head. I think he felt a little pain, either physical or
emotional, when he did that.

"You're mother loves you Terry. Don't shut her out. I think she needs you
as much as you need her. And Kevin too."

Terry managed a weak smile.

"Sometimes we feel we can't always say what we want or what we feel. We let
opportunities get away from us when we should speak up about our feelings
for others. Too many times the fear of losing someone's friendship or love
by telling them the truth battles our inner emotions. Sometimes the truth
is best unsaid. Sometimes being true to ourselves outweighs the fears we
have for being, who and what we are. Sometimes the revealing of truth can
provide a positive reaction from those we care about. What might happen or
not happen depends on the individual you are opening up to. If that person
rejects you, than you really didn't have a friend in that person. You have
to choose carefully and wisely in your decisions. But remember, you are not
alone in this anymore so don't feel alone."

"I know."

We remained quiet for a few minutes. I never did like ICU rooms. There are
never any windows.

"Are you in any pain?" I asked.

"Some. I don't mind. It reminds me that I survived being my father's son."

"I am going to go. I will check on you tomorrow. You are being moved out of
ICU."

"Will it be a private room?"

"No."

Resigned to the inevitable, he sighed and said "Okay."

"The nurse's station has my cell number. If you need me, have them call
me."

"Okay."


I stepped out of Terry's room and went to the end of the hallway to make a
couple of phone calls.  After the last call I made I headed towards Joel's
room to check on him before Rick and I headed out of the hospital. As I
rounded the nurse's station, a nurse came up to me to tell me that Joel's
father was in his room and it wasn't going well.

As I got closer to Joel's room I could hear raised voices. This doesn't
sound good.  I entered the room and found Joel's father and his mother
having words and Joel looked extremely upset.

"I think that will be enough. You are upsetting my patient and I won't have
that. Not now."

"Well, doctor," said Joel's father, "I am glad you are here. I want Joel
transferred as soon as possible."

"And where do you want him moved to?"

This time it was Joel who answered.

"He wants to send me to a hospital to FIX me." Joel said through anger.

I turned and looked at his father.

"I want you and your wife to wait for me in the waiting room."

They didn't' move.

"NOW."

Joel's mother moved to the door, but his father remained. I walked up to
him and looked him square in the eye.

"You either, do as I ask, or I will call hospital security and have you
removed."

Joel's father glared at me. Unflinchingly he moved out of the room. I asked
the nurse's Aid to leave as well.  When the door closed I went to Joel who
was crying.

When he seemed cried out I asked him what happened.

"Dad and Mom came in. Mom didn't look happy at all." With as much strength
as he could muster he said, "Dad wants me to go to one of those Church
intervention hospitals where they can `cure' me."

"Did he ask you or demand that you go?"

"Demanded. As usual, I was never given a choice."

"What do you want to do, Joel?"

"I DON'T want to go to one of those places. I read about them on the
internet."

"Okay, Joel. I will go talk to your parents. I will relay your wishes."

As I was about to leave, Joel said softly, "Doctor?"

I turned and went to him.

"What's wrong Joel?"

I could see the pain in his eyes.

"He called Brian's parents."

Oh shit, I thought.

"Did he tell you about the call?"

"Yes, he told them why their son committed suicide and blamed their son for
what happened to me."

Tears began to fall from Joel's eyes.

"My father read them Brian's personal letter to me and than my suicide
note."

I felt my anger growing and I had to remind myself to keep a lid on it.

"Joel, I am sorry. But you can't blame yourself for what your father
does. He doesn't understand what is going on here or with you."

"But Brian's parents are upset with me for hiding his letter and not
telling them the truth about what happen."

"How do you know this?"

"My father told me."

"What is important to you right now, Joel?"

"To get the help I need so I can go on with my life. I believe I have to."

"Joel, I am glad you feel that way. But, I need to go talk to your
parents. As long as you have me as your doctor, I don't think you need
intervention. I think you and I can work together just fine. Do you agree?"

"Yes, I do."

"Okay, I won't be gone long."

"Okay."

I left his room and sent the nurse's Aid back in. I went to the nurse's
station and asked them to give Joel a sedative to calm him down. Then I
went to the waiting room. As I entered I noticed Rick, Tyler, Travis and
Kevin sitting in the corner. Rick looked up at me and he saw the expression
on my face. The look on his face I knew. It said to tread carefully.  I
spotted Joel's father and mother. I sat down next to Joel's mother and
quietly spoke to them.

"You have upset my patient and I don't appreciate that."

"Well, I think we need another doctor to take care of our son. From what my
wife tells me, you want to help Joel stay gay."

"First, I don't help anyone to be gay. There is no `to be gay' about it. If
an individual knows and acknowledges that they are homosexual, I help them
overcome any anxiety they may have about it. If they are struggling with
the same sex attraction and are not sure what to do about it and want help,
I guide them accordingly to whatever program that best suits their
needs. Yes, I recommend the Evergreen program occasionally, only if I feel
my patient can benefit from the experience."

I let him soak that in.

"Second, I haven't evaluated Joel's situation to determine whether I would
recommend any program at this point."

I could tell he wasn't impressed.

"Third. None of his treatment and who gives it is your choice. That is
Joel's decision to make on all counts."

"I want my son to enter the church approved program in Idaho where he can
be cured of this temporary affliction he has. "

"That again, is Joel's choice. But I will warn that all of the Intervention
programs out there are merely a behavior modification treatment and not a
`cure all' for homosexual behavior or same sex attraction."

He ignored me.

"I want him transferred now."

"Well as long as I am his doctor, he isn't going anywhere for now. Besides
he is also under the care of his primary physician. Have you discussed
moving Joel with him?"

"I don't have to."

"Yes you do. He is under a state required observation. This is routine
after a suicide attempt." I could feel the anger building in me. I glanced
at Rick to calm down, but it didn't help.

"What on earth processed you to call Brian's parents and tell them why
their son died?"

Joel's dad was toe to toe with me by now.

"How dare you question what I do?"

"I have a lot of questions about what YOU DO, especially when it comes to
Joel."

"I am his father, I will do what is in his best interests."

"Than tell me, why it was in HIS best interests to call Brian's parents and
tell them that their son committed suicide because he was in love with
another man...YOUR SON?"

"Because it was THEIR SON'S fault that my son was corrupted by him and his
evil ways, seducing my son into sex."

"I seem to recall that Joel was a willing participant in the situation."

The burning look in Joel's father's eyes told me that I was pushing him.

"My son didn't know what he was doing."

"Apparently he did. YOUR son fell in love with Brian and you took that and
used it to deliberately hurt another family, already in grief and pain. You
took your pain and anger and passed it on in an abdominal way that was so
un-Christ like. You should be ashamed as a priesthood holder in the
church."

I knew I went over the line. Rick was up and moving towards us. Joel's
mother was first to move as she grabbed her husband's arm. Though his fist
was clenched, he hadn't made any move towards me.

"He's right." Joel's mother told her husband.

Her husband turned to her.

"I did want I had to do, to help Joel."

I reeled on that one.

"Help Joel?????" I was losing it. "Help Joel or help yourself?  You didn't
help Joel, you arrogant..."

At this point I felt Rick's hands on my shoulders. His touch can distract
me from anything. I took a deep breath. Rick than took a step back.

As calmly as I could I said, "You only managed to hurt Joel even more with
your actions. I can only imagine the pain you caused with Brian's
family. Your call wasn't to help Joel, but a selfish act to reconcile your
reaction to Joel's revelations of his love for Brian, another man and his
need to end his life. YOU DID IT FOR YOURSELF."

The look in his eyes told me that he wasn't getting it all. The anger was
paramount on his face.

"You are NOT my son's doctor anymore."

"That is not your choice. Joel is 21 years old. He can LEGALLY make his own
decisions."

In a very quiet and calm voice his wife spoke.

"As Joel's mother I want him to stay on as his doctor."

"No!"

I always hate seeing a family divided on any issues involving my
patients. It just makes worse for everyone.

"I will go to court if I have to and have Joel removed from your care." He
said turning towards me.

"I will not support you in this," Joel's mother declared.

Joel's father turned towards his wife and looked her in the eye.

"I don't need your support."

"I know you don't. You do whatever you want. You always have. You always
expected me to go along with everything in our lives. As your wife, I
always supported you when you needed it. Not this time. Joel is my son and
right now, in his present state of mind, he is more important to me than
anything you need from me. If you go to court...I will stand with the
doctor, not with you."

With that, she grabbed her purse and left the waiting room.

By this time I had noticed the entire waiting room was watching the drama
unfolding before them. Rick was still, only, a few paces from me. Tyler,
Travis and Kevin were now standing watching, astonished and probably
surprised at watching me take on Joel's father.

Joel's father turned to me.

"This is your fault. Your want to help Joel become a homosexual?"

Obviously, this man has selective hearing.

"That is not what I do. I work with individuals with same sex attraction to
determine if they truly are. If they accept themselves, than I help them
deal with that aspect of their lives. Sometimes, it is a `one time'
situation and we try to resolve those issues involved.  With Joel, I wasn't
sure whether he was homosexual or not. Brian may have been a `one time'
situation and he might have never had another same sex attraction."

"That's a load of crap. I want Joel away from you."

"Again, that isn't your decision."

"Well, I am calling my lawyer and I am going to court to get him away from
your kind of doctoring."

"Fine," I said. "Go ahead, I will be glad to tell the judge that YOU are
more of a danger to Joel than Joel is to himself. Until than, I want you to
stay away from Joel."

With that, Joel's father rushed out of the room and hopefully out of the
hospital.

I felt Rick's arms go around me. I lost it and I know it. I should know
better than to let someone like Joel's father push me like that. Rick knew
I was upset and his arms are a wonderful sanctuary all to their own.

I heard three young men start applauding me from the corner of the
room. They came over and shook my hand.

Rick finally released me and I promised I would only be ten minutes with
Joel than we could all get something to eat.

I walked into Joel's room and he was asleep. Apparently the sedative did
its job. I was ready to leave the hospital. I knew I would have a full day
tomorrow.


The end of Chapter 23