Date: Mon, 3 Oct 2005 12:20:53 -0700 (PDT)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 39 adult/youth

Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 39


The Following Years

In grief, Rick found himself being drawn closer to Heavenly Father as he
asked for his blessings and guidance in living his life without Jim after
18 years. In his nightly prayers he asked Heavenly Father to tell Jim he
loved him and to watch over him. He wondered now, where his path was going
to take him.

Rick was elevated to the President's position temporarily until he could
find someone he felt, was better suited for the position at the Gabriel
Foundation.

He never used Jim's office.

Jamie called Rick everyday without fail. Rick didn't have the heart to say
anything to Jamie about his constant 'watching over him'. Rick did ask
Steve privately about it.

Steve told him that Jamie felt in his heart he wanted and needed to be
close to Rick. So 'watching over him' was his way for him to grieve over
Jim and to love Rick, as he did his Dad.

Randy did not return to Italy to finish his mission. It was Jamie's idea
that Randy moved in with Rick so that he wouldn't be alone.

Rick did notice that Randy was either working or hanging out with Jamie and
Steve or at home. He wasn't dating anyone.

Rick finally started reading Jim's journals. He knew Jim's words would ease
the pain in his heart and they did for the most part.

The church preaches to all its members to keep a personal journal from an
early age, and know he had something of Jim that would provide him some
comfort. Rick would pass Jim's journals to his sons.

Rick found himself starting to wonder about things as he began to read the
entries from the time of 'the dream' and those who experienced it.

After finishing Jim's journals, he went to the storage building to find
Jim's patient records to read about the young men in 'the dream'. Jim
usually taped recorded the first sessions and Rick had no trouble finding
what he needed.

After reading and analyzing the records, Rick felt there was so much he
didn't know about the 'group' and so Rick asked all the families for the
personal Journals. He had been haunted by the idea that something just
wasn't right.

The families allowed Rick to borrow the journals and found that most
everyone was diligent in keeping a daily record of their lives.

Rick started taking notes from the entries of the journals.

After filling 5 legal pads with notes, Rick prayed to Heavenly Father about
his feelings and asked what, if anything, he should do. Writing in his own
journal about those feelings, it came to him that he that this should be in
a book, to tell the story about everyone's journeys.

He discovered that Paul was right, nonfiction was easier, but for this,
being so close to him was a harder task to endure.

Rick had known some of the histories of each one from his conversations
with Jim. Reading the journals gave Rick a more personal accounting of the
events of their lives. He also had Jim's patient records to study. Though
to use any information from them, he had to get written consent from each
family. Jared's parents were more reluctant until they were promised that
Jared's actual name would not be used.

Rick felt drawn to the idea of writing the story from the time Tyler came
into their lives. It seemed by all accounts that everyone's paths began to
change with Tyler's first appointment with Jim. So he began the story on
the first day Jim met Tyler.

Rick even contacted Brian's mother for his journals so he could document
Joel's story with better background.

Though Rick tore into the project with diligence and passion, he still
found himself being affected by the struggles of those involved.

He was even more surprised by the young men who wrote vividly about their
sexual thoughts, desires and frustrations. But in contrast, with the older
generation, reading Jim and Paul's journals only reflected in a hidden way,
their sexual thoughts.

Rick would selectively use some 'sexual passages' in the book without being
offensive to those readers who might be offended.

Rick felt that the story was far more important than the sex lives of those
involved and was cognizant of the fact the teenagers would read the book.

He wanted to inspire and offer hope and understanding to those who felt
disenfranchised from the churches or families they belonged to.

Andy had gotten married in the Houston temple to a wonderful woman. Rick
and Jamie had to wait outside. Within a month Andy's wife was with
child. Nine months later Jim's grandson was born. Rick couldn't contain
himself holding the baby. Andy made sure all his children would call him
'grandpa'.

Rick had begun to wonder about Randy, but couldn't be sure as he felt his
'gaydar' had died with Jim.

Rick never considered dating or even the possibility of finding someone
else during this time.

Rick had become obsessed with writing his book. Looking for answers and
trying to find closure that had eluded him thus far.

Rick had left Aaron and Adam's journals last for his research. The words
written by both were nearly verbatim, with the complete accounting of
Gabriel's visit in the dream. He read over and over again Gabriel's words
and the prophecy of death if the Hale family map was actually explored.

Those words of prophecy "...all to die within moments of each other" rang
through his brain, over and over again.

Rick didn't know for sure if Gabriel's prophesy of death did actually
become true, but found it difficult to comprehend the prophecy, and the
death of everyone.

Rick found Jim's copy of the map. He talked with Jamie, Steve and Andy
about it. They all agreed that they needed to know no matter what.

They flew to Pennsylvania to see if anyone had been to the farm.

They met with the owner and he said that 4 men had been there about 2 years
ago and he knew the exact date. It was the same day as the plane accident
in Philly. They had this map and they paid him to let them survey the
area. Rick asked if they went with the men. He said he did. The owner said
they found the spot and asked if they could dig. He gave his permission and
they dug about 5 feet down when they found it.

Rick asked what they found. The owner said it was an old rustic strong box,
black. Rick asked if it, had been opened by the men and the owner said yes.

Rick asked the owner if he saw what was in the box. He said no, but the men
commented that, 'now they knew the truth'. Asked where the box was and the
owner said he was paid $10,000 for the box in cash and the men left with
the box leaving him to fill in the hole. The owner had no other information
on the men.

The prophecy of death was fulfilled.

So many questions filled Rick's mind. Who were the men? What was in the box
that revealed 'truth' that no one had had before?

Rick reread everyone's account of Gabriel's appearance in the dream. What
stuck in his mind was what Gabriel told Jared that the truth was in his
heart. All he had to do was listen to it.

Jared was questioning the validity of the Mormon Church. What was in the
box, buried for nearly 200 years, that contained the evidence that Joseph
Smith was a real prophet of God or a fraud?

Jared had doubts. Rick had always had doubts.

Rick contacted the families again to see if any maps were missing. Some of
the families reported that they hadn't found any maps.

If he could have found only one map missing, he might've been able to trace
where it went from whose procession. But with most maps unaccounted for,
that theory quickly reached a dead end.

Rick wrote that when the church rejects you for whom you are, than those
begin to doubt that the church is true.

The reality of it all scared the hell out of Rick.

Rick talked to Jamie and Steve and they agreed. The mystery of the box
needed to be included in the book, even if it left questions rather than
answers.

The book was coming to together. Rick found that the words just flowed out
of him onto the keyboard.

He wanted to write what he considered probable that Gabriel was on the
plane and lead 'the chosen' through the veil with him. Rick could just
visualize Gabriel swooping down onto the passengers He couldn't help
chuckle at the descriptions of Gabriel in the journals.

When Rick was writing towards the end of the last chapter, the sudden
realization that he was about to complete the final sentence, he had an
incredible sensation run though his body, and the finality of it all over
whelmed him and he wept.

Finally typing the last words, mixed feelings overcame him. Relief and
sadness as the end had come.

Finished, he went to Jim's grave and told him all about it. He knew in his
heart that Jim heard him and would be pleased.

For Rick, the book became his path to follow. It changed him and his
faith. It was a book to write for the closure sought, but when it was
finish he felt satisfaction in the accomplishment, but not in his feelings
about the death of Jim and the others.

By writing the book he did became closer to everyone, than he had when they
were alive. He felt regret at not getting to know them better when they
were near.

Closure eluded Rick for the rest of his life. But he was at peace with
himself.

Rick did find a publisher who was willing to print the book, but the
publisher refused to publish the book as nonfiction. To get the book
publish, Rick agreed to change the names and some places. Rick felt it was
too important to get the book published than let it sit dormant on
principles.

Rick negotiated for a disclaimer, which was added to the book... "This book
is a fictional account of actual events."

With the publisher labeling the book 'fiction', Rick included his scenario
of Gabriel gathering everyone on the plane.

The book was met with much media attention. Rick was very harsh with the
Mormon Church and it's position that homosexuality is a 'behavior' that can
be overcome with pray and therapy.

The church made no official comment about the book.

Every member of the First Presidency of the Church read the book in
private, as did most Bishops and Stake Presidents.

The book reached the No. 1 position on the New York Times best sellers list
and remained there for 6 weeks.

Every major film studio scrambled for the rights to produce a movie version
of the book. Rick declined all offers.

After the success of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, THE FRONT RUNNER was finally made
into a movie after waiting 30 years. Rick and his 'sons' went on opening
night.

Shortly after the book was published, Randy came out to Rick. His hadn't
realized his own sexual feelings until he was on his mission and spent some
time trying to reconcile those feelings.

Jamie and Steve were more than supportive with Randy. Randy told them
privately that he was in love with Rick, since having lived with him for
the last 2 years he found himself growing closer to Rick.

It would be another year before Randy confessed his feelings to Rick. Rick
didn't see it coming. With Rick feeling resistant to Randy's feelings,
Jamie and Steve worked on Rick for several months helping him realize that
Andy was sincere and that Jim would have wanted him to move on. It took
Rick some time to accept his feelings for Randy.

Rick and Randy remained together until Rick's passing 25 years later. Rick
would be buried next to Jim in Spring, Texas.

Rick always felt like he was still a Mormon, never did he consider himself
anything else. The church may have left him, but he never left the
faith. Even with his doubts.

Rick would write 5 more books in his life. But in his mind, the proudest
moment he felt is when the box containing the 25 copies of the first
edition of the first book, arrived and he opened it.

Rick gazed upon the dustcover of the book. It had 8 men in suits facing
away and an angel with wings spread out, like he was embracing them. The
title spelled out above the angel's head and Rick's name below the 8
men. It was the best design out of ten that they had showed him. Rick
wasn't sure the publisher knew how to sell his book.

Rick would sign each copy and give one to each family of the 'chosen
group', as he referred to them in the book, and to Jamie, Steve, Randy and
Andy.

Jared's family wrote Rick a thank you letter, expressing that they now
wished that they had accepted Jared's sexuality and found some inner peace
with the book.

Joel's mother read the book and went to Rick and embraced and kissed
him. Thanked him for what he wrote about Joel. She gave a copy of the book
to Joel's father.

Tyler's family also sent a 'Thank you' note and he did receive a special
letter from Travis who praised him for his courage.

Sean and his mother both were pleased and touched by the book. Sean told
Rick he understand why he was so brutally honest about his part in the
book.  Sean named his first son for Terry and his second for Kevin.

Sara called Rick from Utah and expressed her appreciation. She gave copies
of the book to all the women in her Relief Society at her ward.

Rick ventured to Utah several times over the years. As President of the
Gabriel Foundation, he would personally lobby for change with the Church
leadership.

Rick visited Joel, Terry and Brian's graves each time he went. He would lay
a white rose on each grave.

Rick had written in the book that it was hard to be a 'survivor' to those
who have passed. It was the loneliness of the lost that affected him the
most. He knew that everyone in the story had touched others and that had
left a lasting impression on all for a lifetime.

Rick was proud of one thing about being published, that he was a 'gay
Mormon writer' and never let anyone forget it.

But that one moment, with a thrill running though his body as he held the
book, with it's 450 pages of volume, feeling the weight, telling himself,
over and over again that he wrote this.

The incredible sense of faith in God and himself illuminated him as he
opened the hardback cover of the book for the first time.

Rick found the title page with his name as author. The title he felt
applied to everyone who wanted to change things in the world, like Gabriel
implied in the dream.

Than he turned to the dedication page with whom he listed Tyler, Jared,
Paul, Kevin, Terry, Joel, Adam and Aaron and a special dedication to Jim.

Rick turned to the next page, the beginning of the story...


                    BORN TO BE A MISSIONARY

                          CHAPTER ONE


             When I awoke, I was snuggled next to
             my lover and life partner...


The end of Born To Be A Missionary