Date: Sun, 15 Feb 2004 22:29:54 -0800 (PST)
From: gaymormonwriter@yahoo.com
Subject: Born To Be A Missionary Chapter 6     adult/youth   relationships

Born To Be A Missionary
Chapter 6


From Jim's perspective:

Rick and I are ready for Tyler to arrive at 6. Rick still isn't to happy
with me. I have tried to re-assure him that this will work out. I guess I
he didn't buy it by the expression on his face. So I went took into my
arms, kissed his cheek and whispered into his ear, "I love you, trust me."
Immediately his body relaxed and he whispered to me, "Okay."

Tyler arrived right at 6, he brought his scriptures. We had our dinner and
then spent an hour with "scripture chase". Scripture Chase is a game where
an individual recites a scripture quote and the rest of the players have to
find it. For Mormons, there are two additional books of scriptures
involved.  Thank God for subject indexes, otherwise no one would ever win
or lose. Rick seems relaxed.  Tyler and he seem to be okay with each
other. I wanted Tyler to see how a gay couple were together in their
home. We finish playing Scripture Chase and Tyler turns to put his
scriptures away in his zipper bible bag.

He brings out the copy of THE FRONT RUNNER and places it on the table in
front of his.

Rick and I are sitting on one side of the dining table Tyler is sitting
directly across. I turned the book around so the cover was facing Tyler.

"So Tyler, did you finish the book?"

"Yes I did, it was pretty good."

"What did you think of the love story between Harlan and Billy?"

"It was interesting."

"Did you get emotional with what happened to Billy?"

"Yeah. That was hard. But, later when Harland broke down, I really lost it
then."

I took my hand and placed a finger on the book jacket. Rick was sitting
quietly next to me, unaware as to where this was going. Then I looked Tyler
in the eyes.

"Tyler,....did Gary feel for you like Harlan felt for Billy?"

Tyler lost all the color in his face. His eyes looked at mine searching for
something, I wasn't sure what. For the next few moments Tyler's eyes
revealed his emotions as he went through several stages of being stunned,
and then the effect of the revelation and then sadness. With his eyes
closed, tears started to appear. He opened his mouth to say something, but
nothing came out. After a couple of minutes I spoke again.

"Tyler....did Gary love and care about you like Harlan did with Billy?"

Tyler's head started to nod, and then barely above a whisper he said,
"Yes."

"Tyler, did you love and care about Gary like Billy did for Harlan?"

Again, with his eyes closed, his head nodded, his voice quivering he
whispered,"Yes."

He opened his eyes and looked at the book. Then he lowed his head and began
sobbing. Rick had reached for my hand and squeezed it. I then got up and
walked around the table and sat next to Tyler. I leaned in close, I placed
my left arm on the back rest of Tyler's chair and I placed my right hand on
Tyler's.

"Gary finally came out to you didn't he?"

"Yes." he whispered from the table.

"You guys realized you had a relationship as friends that was about to go
to the next level?"

"Yes."

"And because the relationship had moved up, Gary asked you to move in with
him, to protect you and stop you from going to the park?"

"Yes."

"Gary also knew what you were doing when it came to your parents and the
treatments you were getting?"

"Yes."

"At first you wanted to move in with him, but you panicked and realized
what might happen if you did"

"Yes."

"You knew it would be all over. That you were about to made a choice that
you weren't ready to make?"

"Yes."

"Did you tell Gary that you were not going to be with him?"

"Sorta. I called him and told him that the missionaries had seen me that
day and that I wanted my mission. I was crying the whole time I was talking
to him."

"Did Gary leave town because of you?"

"I guess, I don't know for sure."

"Tyler, sit up here and look at me, please."

Tyler sat up, his face red, his eyes swollen from the crying. He finally
looked at me."

"Tyler..." I was speaking as softly as I could."...it is time for you to
say it, you know what you have say."

Tyler closed his eyes. "NO!"

"Tyler, you need to end this now. You have tried to control manipulate
everything, your doctors, your parents and still do what you wanted. That
is why it is over. You couldn't do this forever you know. It is over. You
need to say it."

"NO!." and with that he buried his face into my shoulder and wept.

I put my arms around him and rocked him for awhile. I looked over at Rick,
he was wiping tears out his eyes, that was when I realized I too had tears.

"Tyler, it is time for you deal with this. No more running. Your body is so
stressed from you fighting inside with it. No wonder you are on 8 different
medications, just to keep you calm.  It has to end Tyler, it has to end."

"No, I can't. I can still handle it."

"No, Tyler, no more. You have to say it Tyler, you have to say the
words....the words you and Heavenly Father have known for a long time."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can. You need to, Heavenly Father knew even before you did. The
words are in your heart, Tyler, they want out, expressed, released."

"No."

"Tyler, you know you have to say the words, it is the only way."

Tyler sat up in his chair. He was shaking. With what I could see, it took
every piece of strength he had left inside him, he said the works, in a
whisper,"....I ...am...gay....".

"Tyler, you need to say the words again."

Struggling, he spoke again," I am gay." Then he broke down again.

I looked over at Rick and mimed...drinking, so he got up and got a glass of
water.

"Tyler, would you like something to drink."

He nodded and he took the glass and drained it.

"Tyler, we have a lot of work to do so everyone can start to heal, you,
your father, your mother, Travis, your other siblings."

Tyler just nodded his head.

"Tyler, there are three things you have to do as soon as possible."

Tyler looked at me with fear in his eyes.

"First thing you do is call and make an appointment with Bishop Green. Do
you know what you have to say to him?"

Tyler nodded his head.

"Tell me Tyler."

Tyler swallowed hard and then he spoke softly,"I am going to tell Bishop
Green that...I am gay."

"What else are you going to say, Tyler?"

I think it hit him at that point. Tyler looked pained like someone just
push a knife into him.  The realization was earth shaking for me, but he
managed to say the words out loud to me."I have to tell Bishop Green that I
am unworthy for a mission and ask that my request be withdrawn."

"Yes Tyler and you need to write a letter to the church and give it to
Bishop Green when you see him after you have told him you are gay and that
you are not going on your mission. It is a letter of resignation from the
Mormon church, asking the church to remove your name from the membership
rolls. This reason for this is to avoid any discplinary action including
excommunication. That would avoid any embarrasment for your family and
yourself."

Tyler didn't have a reaction to that. "Tyler, to you agree with what I just
said?"

He nodded his head yes.

"Okay, I am going to call Bishop Green now and then I will hand you the
phone, okay?"

He again nodded. I pulled out my cell phone and called the Bishop. He
answered.

"HI Kent, it's Jim, how are you?"

"Fine, and you and Rick?"

"We are good. I called about Tyler. He is here with me."

"Is it resolved?"

"For your end of it, yes."

"Okay."

I handed the phone to Tyler.

"Bishop, sir, .....I need to ask for an appointment to talk to you.....yes,
I would like it to be tomorrow.....4:00, okay, I will be there, thank you,
goodbye."

Tyler handed me back my phone.

"Tyler, I know you have the faith in Heavenly Father to help through this."

He nodded.

"Okay, the was the first thing, now the second thing....You need to talk to
your father, face to face. What do you thing you need to say to him?"

"I....ah....will have to tell him I am gay...and that I am
....so...sorry.....and....", he began to cry again,"...oh God,what have I
done?" he sobbed.

"You have alot to discuss with your father. He is the head of the family,
it will be his duty to deal with you and the family. Your Dad knows about
Bishop Green's brother. I will meet with your Father and Mother and try and
start the healing process."

Tyler was wiping his face and nodded he understood.

"Okay, and one last thing that you have to do. We have discovered what a
super slueth you are with the internet.You will need that talent to find
Gary. You need to make it right with him before you can heal
properly. Things were left undone. If you ever cared about him, you both
need that closure, if that is what it would be."

"I want to do that Doc, I feel I need to."

"Okay, how do you feel right now, Tyler?"

"I feel somewhat overwhelmed. I have a lot to think about, a lot to do."
Looking down towards the floor,"...I have hurt alot of people, I am not
very proud of myself. I am ashamed of being gay."

"NO! You can be ashamed of your actions, but do not feel ashamed of being
gay. That is who you are, there is nothing wrong with being gay. You will
have to learn how to live as a gay man and be proud of yourself. You can be
happy. Look at Rick and me, we have been together for 13 years and I can't
imagine not being with him."

"Okay."

"Now that you are out and accepting about your homosexuality, you and I
will work on healing your heart and begin the process to forgive
yourself. You have had so much anger towards your mother and Travis and in
time, I dont' know how long, it will work out. Will you let me help you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, did you miss going to church?"

"Yes."

"Next Sunday, would you like to go with me and Rick to the MCC church. It
isn't the mormon church, but it is a Christian fellowship open to gay and
lesbians."

"Sure, I would like that."

"I would also like to suggest that you volunteer at the Gay Teen
Center. You could use your missionary talents with the kids there. I know
it would be a help to Rick. Wouldn't it Rick?"

Rick glanced at me with the "wait till I get you alone" look, and then
said,"Yeah sure, that would be great."

"I know it is late, are you okay to go home, Tyler?"

"Yeah, I am okay. I feel like I have been freed from something."

"Good." Then I got up and went to my book case,"Tyler, did you really like
THE FRONT RUNNER?"

"Yes I did, doc."

"Would you like to read the sequel to that book?"

"Oh wow, a sequel, cool. Yeah."

I reached up and took my copy of HARLAN'S RACE off the shelf and handed it
to Tyler.

"There you go, take your time reading it. I know you have some things to
do."

"Thanks."

"Tonight, when you kneel in pray to Heavenly Father, Tyler, talk to him
about being gay, you have no idea how being completely open with him
feels. How about a hug?"

Tyler came towards me and we hugged each other. Then he hugged Rick. Said
his good nights and left.

Rick came up and put his arms around me. "That was incredible, I have never
seen you work before. Should I expect you to bring your work home with you
more often?"

"I don't know. It wasn't totally planned exactly that way. I could have
been wrong about him and Gary and then I would have had to start over
again. I am glad for his sake I was right."

"Do you know how much I love you, Jim?"

"I thing, Elder Roberts, after the other night, I have a pretty good idea."

Rick brought his lips to mine and we kissed.

"Ah, Elder Roberts, are you trying to seduce me."

"Maybe."

"We have kitchen work to do or have you forgotten?"

"Ah, yes, we do."

Hand in hand we cleaned up the kitchen and dining room. It was 11:00 when
we got done so we headed to the bedroom.  We undressed and scooted
together, with Rick's head on my chest, snuggled. He placed his hand over
my heart.

"I know your work and how successful you are at it, I have never actually
seen you work your magic like that. Sometimes, I think I know you
completely and then I see something totally new, like tonight and I fall
more in love with you."

"You weren't upset that I did that in front of you?"

"No."

I kissed the top of his head and ran my hand through his hair. He moved his
hand down to my cock, wrapped his fingers around me and went to sleep, I
soon followed.

******************************************************************************************************************************

From Tyler's perspective:

Promptly at 4:00 I knocked on the Bishop's office door. In my hand was my
letter. I must feel strong about this. The door opened and Bishop Green
said, "Come in Tyler. Have a seat. What can I do for you?"

I sat in the chair next to his desk.

"Well, Bishop, I have come to tell something....", I can do this, I have
to, Doc is counting on me."Bishop, I am...homosexual. I need to tell you
that I am not worthy of a mission."

"Tyler, are you sure about this?"

"Yes, Dr. Haines helped me to realize what I needed to do. He told me about
your brother and I am sincerely sorry about what happened to him. I will
admit to you that I also entertained such thoughts and thankfully didn't go
throught with it." I held up the letter and handed it to him.  "This letter
is my resignation from membership of the Mormon church, the letter directs
the church officials to remove my name from the membership rolls. I feel it
is best to protect my family from any embarrasement. I know it would be
your duty to begin excommunication procedings since I am going to go on
with my life as a gay man."

"Tyler, I will accept your letter and send it to the proper authorities. I
am sorry to see you leave the church, Tyler, I know it will was hard for
you. Dr. Haines, I know will help you adjust to your new life."

I got up from the chair and offered my hand to the Bishop, "Thank you
Bishop for handling my requests. I do have my faith, I won't lose it. I
love Heavenly Father and I know he loves me, so I know I will be okay."

"Good luck, Tyler." Bishop Green said as I walked out of his office.

Glad that is over with, easier than I thought it was going to be. Dad is
going to be at my apartment by the time I get there and I hope it can go as
well.

Dad's truck is in the driveway. Come Tyler, you can do this, I tell
myself. I got out of my car and went in. My roomate was there chatting with
my Dad. I guess I will have to finally tell my roomy, but I can do that
later.

"Dad?"

"Hi, Tyler."

"Kenny, I need to talk to my Dad privately, please?"

"Sure, " said Kenny, "I have to go to the store anyway, see ya later,
Tyler, Mr. Miller.

I sit down and face my father.

"Dad, this is going to be hard to tell you so here it is...I am gay. I am
homosexual." Whew, I just threw that out there.

"Finally, I wondered how much longer you were going to deny it."

"Then you always knew?"

"I knew, I didn't want to really know, but I accepted the possibility when
Bishop Green told us.  You know I grew up in Utah, and I never heard much
about homosexuality. It was something out there in the what I called "the
other world" beyond the mountains. I went on my mission, came home and
married your mother. My parents have lived the faith completely and they
instilled the same in thier kids and that is what your mother and I have
done. My parents received their blessings and your mother and I received
ours. I have always considered all my children as individual blessings. You
stood out from the others, at times a real pain, but that was you.
But,when the Bishop told us you were sexual active with men, it really
shook me. I tried to talking to your mother, but she would have none of
it. I knew I was on my own with you. I will tell you that homosexuality
came up while I was Bishop, but we handled it as best as I could at the
time. I just prayed I wouldn't have to face the issue with my family."

"Dad, I am so sorry."

"No Tyler, don't be sorry. You are who you are. I had the chance at work to
look up homosexuality on the internet and I learned alot. I learned to
accept it, battling my feelings with my faith. Tyler I couldn't turn my
back on you. I had seen fathers who did that to thier sons and then
listened to them about how tortured they were. I love you Tyler no matter
what."

"Oh Dad," I said as I rose and went into his arms. I think we both cried
for awhile.

"Dad, I have been so lost without my family. I miss Mom and Travis so
much."

"Well, you will have to be patient. Now that you have told me, I can deal
with them. It will take some time."

We sat down again.

"Tyler, what are you going to do now?"

"Get myself off all that medication. Continue to see Dr. Haines. I need to
find Gary. I was terrible to him, I need to make it right between us."

"Gary and you? I didn't know. I didn't even suspect."

"Gary wanted a relationship with me, he wanted to care and protect me since
I was being so reckless with my life. But I still wouldn't acknowledge to
anyone I was gay, I was. As long as I denied it, I figured I could keep you
from throwing me out, keep my family ;and church. But I lost most
everything in the long run."

I looked at my Dad, he looked so sad.

"Dad, I resigned my membership from the church. I didn't resign myself from
the family."

"You have met with the Bishop?"

"Yes, just before I met you."

"Okay, I am sure it is for the best." Dad looked towards the floor and
softy said," Oh Tyler, I am worried about your mother."

"Dad, Dr. Haines wants to see you and Mom, he says the therapy includes the
parents. Take her."

"I will see."

"Dad, I am going on with me life, I am going to volunteer at the Gay Teen
Center and I am going to go to the MCC church. I have my faith Dad. You
made me strong that way."

"Good. Well it is probably time for me to go, Kenny will be back any
minute." Dad got up and we hugged.

"Dad, I ......"

"It's okay Tyler." With that Dad went out the door.

"What's going on Tyler?" Kenny asked from the kitchen doorway. I didn't
even know he had come back.

"What is it you want to know, Kenny?"

"I think I heard something about you being 'gay'?"

Oh great, Kenny is going to be pissed and throw me out. I am not ready for
this Kenny.

"Okay, Kenny...yes, I am gay."

"That's cool." and he walked out of the room.


End of Chapter 6