Date: Sat, 16 Jun 2007 19:06:06 -0700 (PDT)
From: crispin emrys <crispinemrys@yahoo.com>
Subject: Crispin-and-Zephyr/Part-1-Crispin/Chapter-1-revised

This series of fictional stories are the product of my imagination.
However, nothing happens in a vacuum.  Like most fiction, it is based on
real people I have met, places and events I have seen.

The Prologue and Chapters 1-13 appeared on Nifty this winter.  They have
been extensively revised (especially Prologue and Chapter 13) and Chapter
13 has been completed.  I will post two per week then continue with
Chapter 14.

It may be against the law to read where you are because of its content or
your age.  Or you may feel uncomfortable reading it because of the belief
systems you have accepted.  Follow the dictates of your heart.  If you do
read this series, I hope you enjoy it.

When this five part story is completed, it will have told the tale of one
boy and one man and how their intimate relationship and love for each
other led to the creation of a modern day legion of boy knights.  These
knights errant became young champions of human and social rights and
defenders of the weak and the downtrodden.  These Boy Knights of the
Green Republic reveal the true meaning, purpose and power of boyhood.

You may be aware of the etymology of the word knight, that it is derived
from the Old English cniht, meaning page boy, or servant, or simply boy.
Knighthood, as in the Old English cnihthad, had the meaning of
adolescence, that most intriguing period between childhood and manhood.
In this sense every boy is a knight, and in my estimation a potential
knight errant.

Copyright 2007  Crispin Emrys.  All Rights Reserved.

This series may be displayed on any website so long as no money is
charged for access and attribution is retained.  Just ask permission
first.  Thanks.

This project is dedicated
    to Guy Davenport, a gentle genius and unsurpassed writer of short
stories who died in 2005,
    to every Crispin and Zephyr in this or any other world,
    and to you the reader that you may be encouraged by it.

I am Crispin Emrys at crispinemrys@yahoo.com.   Feel free to contact me.
I always enjoy hearing from my readers.


Crispin and Zephyr
Part 1 - Crispin
Chapter 1 - Revised

February 1999
San Francisco

     Crispin sat motionless in one of three overstuffed brown leather arm
chairs, positioned on the large Turkish carpet of crimson, rose and soft
green.  Together the chairs formed an uneven triangle.  He was looking at
the 15 year old boy who was sitting almost directly across from him,
listening intently to his every word.  The boy's lithe frame was easily
engulfed by the comfortably soft dark brown leather easy chair.  He was
resting his elbows on his knees and had placed his shaggy blond head in
his hands so that he was looking down toward the floor.  As he quietly
told the end of his story, he let tears fall from his face onto the black
jeans and skate shoes that he was wont to wear.

     It was late Friday afternoon.  The late winter fog was already
swirling outside the windows of Crispin's study.  This warmly cozy room,
with its heavy accents on rich browns and warm reds, was on the second
floor of his stylish office and residence.  This three story affair was
situated on the eastern end of Bernal Heights, a significant hill that
rose at the southern end of the Mission District.   From many of its
large eastern fronting windows one could look across San Francisco Bay
toward the hills that stood overlooking Berkeley and Oakland.  But today
these were barely visible as the oncoming fog snaked over the hills from
the west on its relentless eastward journey from the Pacific Ocean toward
the Bay.

     "Sometimes I still can't believe this has really happened, Cris.  I
miss him so very, very much.  I want it all to be a dream, or even a
nightmare, and then I can just wake up and Tanner and I will still be
here together.  I don't understand why he had to leave me here all
alone."  The boy paused briefly and took a deep breath before
continuing.  "Maybe someday I will but right now I just don't and it
makes me angry.  But, then I get mad at myself for getting mad at him,
because I know it wasn't his fault.  I understand this in my head, but I
just can't seem to get my heart to listen"

     At this point the boy could not go on and just began to sob.  Cris
watched for a few seconds and then quietly got up from his chair and
facing the boy, knelt beside him.  He placed his arms around the boy's
shoulders, then leaned over until his neck came into slight contact with
the boy's shaggy head.  Then he gently guided the boy's head onto his
shoulder.  Almost immediately the boy threw both of his arms around Cris
and hugged him tightly.  Cris held the boy to his chest as he cried,
allowing him the opportunity to release more of his pent up grief.  After
many, many minutes of heavy sobbing, the boy began to quietly weep.

     At this point Cris spoke almost in a whisper into the boy's ear.
"Robbie, this is so very hard for you, my sweet boy.  You have been so
brave through all of this, so caring about everyone else, especially
Tanner and his brother, his parents, your mom."

     The thoughts were coming to Cris a bit faster now.  He sighed and
continued in a more normal voice, "Now you must start to take care of
yourself.  It is what Tanner would have wanted.  You have been a pillar
of strength for all those around you, your friends, Tanner's family, your
family, facing this terrible ordeal like the wonderful loving boy that
you are, steadfast and brave, protective and compassionate, loyal to
Tanner's memory and to the vision you and he shared."

     Cris paused for a moment.  "But, now, Robbie, we are coming to the
end of that part of the story, the really happy part that ends so
tragically, the part in which you and Tanner are together and then he has
to leave and you are left here by yourself.  End of part one.  Now you
are at the beginning of a new and as yet unwritten portion of the story,
one in which it is left up to you to live out the hopes and dreams you
and Tanner shared with each other.  In this way you will be living out
your life for both of you."

     Robbie raised up his head so that he could look at Cris with his
gorgeous azure blue eyes which had now been thoroughly reddened by his
salty tears.  "Where do you think Tanner is now, Cris?" he asked
plaintively.

     "Gee, Robbie, I can't say for sure.  But I do believe this: he is
wherever you think he is.  And I think that could be more than one place
at a time.  He is in your heart," Cris said as he placed his hand on
Robbie's chest, "and your dreams, your memory, maybe he is even in this
very room."  Robbie nodded  is head slowly and looked from side to
side.  "And at the same time maybe he is also somewhere else that is
peaceful as well."

     "He is somewhere waiting for me there,"  Robbie said with
finality.  "I know we will be together again some day."  Cris nodded
gently so that Robbie would know he had heard.

     After a little pause Robbie began again, though very softly and with
a broken voice filled with loss.  "I miss him so much, Cris.  I just
don't know how I can go on all by myself."

     Cris smiled at the boy and lovingly kissed his forehead.  "Well,
the fact is you can.  And you will.  Robbie, there can be no other way.
Tanner wanted it to be so, and you both talked about it, isn't that
right?"

     The handsome boy nodded his head slowly, his eyes taking on a
dreamy, far away look.  By now the tears had completely stopped.  He
remained this way, just looking out somewhere, arms around Cris, and
then, quite suddenly, he smiled.   His eyes began to sparkle behind the
long, dark lashes that were still damp with his tears.  "Tanner and I
talked about this a lot.  It's like we were put together for a  purpose,
to help people, to help kids like us.  And we said that if one of us was
gone, the other would just keep on doing it."

     Cris continued kneeling next to Robbie now with one arm around him
resting his hand on the back of the boy's neck as he stroked his hair.
Robbie returned his head to its resting place on Cris's shoulder.  Both
of them remained silent for some time.  Finally Robbie broke the silence
with a deep sigh and quietly said,  "It's just so lonely now."

     Cris tenderly placed his hands on the boy's head, lifting it so that
he could look directly into Robbie's lovely eyes with all the compassion
and love he felt for this wonderful boy.  And Robbie responded with an
equally honestly felt love and longing.  This interaction was so intense
that both of them remained completely captivated by this transcendental
oneness.  Finally Cris  kissed Robbie on the nose and said in a whispered
tone, "I know you can do this, Robbie, as maybe no one else could.  And,
yes, it will be a lonely road for awhile, maybe a long while.  The three
of us had talked about this, and you and Tanner talked about it together,
too.  You know the steps:  first there is that deep pit of emptiness, but
that slowly begins to fill up with many things,  memories of the times
you and Tanner had together, the work which you both began and which you
plan to continue, all the new kids who have such a great need for love
and support and direction, old friends, and new friends, and so much
more.  You are so young and have so much ahead of you to live for."
Cris paused for a moment and then added,  "Yet you have lived so very
much already.  You and Tanner had a wonderful and rich life together."

     Robbie smiled, "And Tanner was such an awesome gift to me and to
everyone else.  I really am thankful that we had these years together."
Tears began to well up in Robbie's eyes again and ran down his cheeks.
Cris gently reached over and holding Robbie's checks in his hands, wiped
them away with his thumbs.  Then he stood up.  As he rose he grunted and
commented, "My age sometimes gets to me in the knees, Robbie."

     Robbie laughed as he also stood.  "Hah! You're in better shape than
most of the guys I know, even some of those my own age, Cris."  Then he
looked at Cris with concern in his eyes.  "Will we be able to meet again
next week?"

     Cris smiled.  "Of course we will.  And every week.  And you know
you can call me anytime.  We are going to take the next few months just
as they come, but we will do it slowly and cautiously, helping each other
along."

     Now Robbie laughed, "Like you need my help."  He looked at Cris
with a deep gaze for some moments before he continued.  "But thanks for
saying it anyway."  Robbie did not know how deeply his own personal
tragedy had affected Cris, renewing an unresolved turmoil within his
soul.  But in spite of being Robbie's friend, he was also his therapist.
Aside from a few personal recollections that he used to help Robbie cope
with all of this, it was something he did not yet feel free to share with
the boy, already burdened as he was.  Cris knew that Robbie, being such
an empathetic person would not hesitate to take on himself Cris's own
cares.  Some day he would share his story with Robbie, but not now.

     Cris walked over to Robbie and put his arms around the boy whose
full height came up slightly beyond his chin and gently said, "Robbie,
your love and friendship mean more to me than you realize.  You have
helped me more than you can ever know.  And I am not just saying it
because it sounds so good.  I mean it."

     Robbie smiled, gave Cris a warm hug in return and quickly kissed him
on the lips. Then with a rapid yet fluid movement he just as quickly
released him and headed out the door grabbing his gray hooded sweatshirt
from the table as he passed.  "I'll call you, Cris.  Thanks for
everything."  With this Robbie called out, "Bye, Cris," as he shot
through the door and down the stairs in his typical upbeat fashion to
meet his mom who was parked on the street in front.

     Cris stood still a moment, peering out the windows at the roiling
fog, pondering all that had happened in the recent months:  Robbie and
Tanner's inseparability; Tanner's diagnosis and rapid decline; Robbie and
Tanner's amazing inner strength through the final weeks and days; the
powerful memorial service that Cris, Chipper and Robbie, but mostly
Robbie, had organized along with Gwen's and Cully's indispensable
assistance; and now Robbie's new life, but this time without Tanner.

     Turning off the lights, Cris walked into the office kitchen to make
some tea.  As he did this he thought that he should make some plans to
get away for the weekend.  He could really use the break.  Ten minutes
later he entered his office carrying a tea tray, which contained a pot of
hot Oolong, a huge mug, cream and plate with two tea biscuits. He put it
on the side of the large dark oak table that served as his desk.   He
folded himself into the very comfortable leather easy chair in which he
spent so much time, poured himself a cup of tea and woke up the computer
to check his email.

     Most of the messages were not urgent, although he did answer a
couple.  He had found that if he put off responding to emails for even a
day, they would snowball into a massive amount of not very enjoyable work
later on, or alternatively he would forget to respond.  Either way, not
to deal with them daily would cause untold problems.  Several other
messages could wait, at least judging from who had sent them and their
subject lines.  He slowly sipped and savored his tea, warming his hands
that encircled the hot, steamy mug.

     There were also three phone messages which he proceeded to listen
to.  Cris kept the phone ringer off whenever he was with clients.  The
first was from Chipper asking him if he wanted to drive up to Dillon
Beach tomorrow, eat some seafood and hang out at her cabin, then come
back on Sunday.  'Hmm,' he thought, 'that sounded pretty good.  We could
head back through Napa and pick up a few bottles.'  He liked Chipper a
lot.  She was a good friend and a solid emotional support.  Yes, that
would be a good way to spend the weekend.

     The second message was a typically brief one from Robbie using his
cell, probably as he and his mom drove across town to their townhouse in
the Sunset District of western San Francisco.  He thanked Cris for always
being there when he needed him and said he would see him next week, but
would call before then just to touch base.

     The third was from Aleksey Rothko.  Alex must have called while he
was making tea, since it followed Robbie's message.  Cris put down his
tea mug.  'Man, how very fucking coincidental,' he thought shaking his
head.  But, then again, Cris did not believe in coincidence.  'Hmm," he
thought to himself.