Date: Sun, 14 May 2006 09:59:04 -0700 (PDT)
From: Carmine Trust <burglary_yeras@yahoo.  com>
Subject: Dead To You 2

The smell of woman's genitals.  All over my fingers.  I couldn't get rid of
it.  I've washed my hand about 5 times.  It was still there.  I smell it,
fascinated, and disgusted, at the same time.  The smell of Tom Brolev's
wife.  He was my business partner.  We didn't trust each other an ounce.
One thing we did have in common was that we both knew our profession well.
He was a master of dirty deeds.  You could have asked him to do the most
immoral thing and for the right sum of money you could be sure he would say
yes.  He was a man of no conscience.  No regrets.  Sometimes I thought he
wasn't a man at all.  He was as slimy as a fish.  He smelled like one too.
I couldn't stand his presence.  I couldn't stand his voice.  If one of us
was in the main building the stuff was sure to inform the other not to
come.  Yet his wife was an entirely different matter.  She was a beautiful
woman of 32.  When I looked at her she was the spitting image of my sister.
This was what drove me to her.  The dirtiness of it all excited me.  And
it's not that I was in love with her.  It's not that she turned me on.
It's the aura of sin surrounding our relationship that drove me back to
her.  I went into he boardroom meeting with the smell of woman's genitals
on my fingers.  Through the meeting I had them close to my face.  The smell
reminding me of the things I've done.  I went without saying a word
throughout the whole thing.  I nodded my head here and there but I couldn't
get my mind off of something.  Blue, blue.  .  blue.

June you'll dirty the carpet!  Get them shoes off.

Yes mom

Go to the kitchen and bring daddy a glass of water.

Yes mom

I have to go to the hospital now for a check.  I'll be back in a few hours.

Will you know if it's a girl or a boy this time?

Yes

Good

Mhm.  .  now go get that water

She kissed my cheek the way she always did.  She put her shoes on in the
same fashion she always did.  She closed the door just the same.  How could
have I known?3 blocks away a truck hit her and she died.  I went into the
kitchen and got the water with 3 cubes of ice.  Daddy was sitting in the
living room watching TV.  He didn't spare me a glance as I put the glass on
the table next to him.  I didn't bother mumbling my hellos.  I knew they
would have gone unanswered.  He pretended that I was dead and I played
along.  It was easier that way.  He didn't have to look at me and cringe,
and I didn't have to feel the embarrassment of him cringing at the sight of
his own blood, his own flesh.

"Mr.  Orson I would suggest that we try to double the profits, "said Tod
Hays while Combs spat back bitterly:

"That would be just foolishness Mr.  Orson.  We have to wait.  The firm
will profit much better if we keep the income steady and normal.  My
colleague sadly doesn't know what he's talking about"

Tod went red in the face.  He was such a fag.  He got red a lot.  He
scratched his neck and it would turn red immediately.  This bothered me.
He was red and everyone in the room knew he felt humiliation.  It was a
sorry sight.  Where the fuck was he from anyway?Sweden?Maybe that's why.  I
knew he was gay.  I could sense it.  It was written all over his movements.
Th way he would drink a bottle of water.  The way he would blush whenever a
hot guy said remotely anything to him.  But I was too lazy to fire him.  So
here he was making the wrong decision like always and getting red in the
face to the point where I felt the heat .  I got up from my chair told
Combs to go through with what he planned and left the room.  I was too
tired to make any nasty or insulting comments.  This was getting boring.
Nobody would ever say anything back, they were all afraid of loosing their
job.  They were all cowards in a sense.

I made my way to the bathroom.  It was cold.  Ever since mom died dad
didn't have enough money to pay the bills, they turned off our heat.  I was
cold.  I got into the empty bathtub and started crying.  After about 30
minutes I got up.  I was empty.

I left the building and made my way home.  It was lonely and quiet inside.
Everything there was connected with money.  My house held nothing precious
or personal.  In a way my house reflected my soul.  But there was something
missing.  Something beautiful that even I, inside, couldn't face.  There
was something I wanted in this house.  Something that would fill all the
empty space in the house and inside my soul.  Yet I couldn't bring myself
to name it further than that.  What's going on with me?Am I going soft?Why
has a one time encounter left my soul in shambles.  I have to put it
together before anyone notices.  I have to put it in the back of my mind,
where it's safe, where it'll never resurface.  Yet all that kept coming to
my mind was blue, blue.  .  blue.

I left the house with my granny.  She made sure that I brushed my hair
before we left.  I didn't see the need since my hair had a mind own its own
anyway.  We walked into the church after she finished greeting all the old
ladies.  I hated when they would ruffle my hair with their shaky fingers.
Or when they would tell me that I need to put some lemon on those freckles
and they will go away.  I walked inside and sat with my grandma.  All
though I knew that I shouldn't, because the church was divided into man and
women.  But whenever anyone asked I told them that I was worried about my
granny and that's why I sat with her.  That was a lie.  I just had a sick
urge to sit on the womans side.  This unexplainable pull.  It gave me this
warm feeling down inside my tummy.

I didn't know how or why I was standing in front of that damned church
again.  This was madness.  I shouldn't have, I can still leave.  Walk.
Stand.  Breeze.  Cold.  Walk again.  No.  Turn around.  Go back.  No.  Turn
Around.  Church.  No.  Inside.  No.  Holly Water.  Burn.  Stop imagining
things.  Church.  Walk slow.  Search, search.  Nothing.  Search, search.
Too many people.  Leave.  No.  Walk.  No.  Search, search.  Yes.  Blue,
blue.  .  blue.

I'm not exactly sure what made me turn around at that moment, but it was
this instinct that said I should.  As I turned my head I saw him.  He stood
there like a frightened animal.  This unsure look in his eyes I have never
seen before.  He was wearing a black suit, hair neatly pulled back with
gel.  He was looking at me, I think.  I felt a sharp hit on my shoulder.
It was my grandma's fist that told me it was rude to turn my head from the
preacher.  I wanted to see the green for just one more time so I turned
around, but he was gone.

I shouldn't have.  I'm a fool.  What am I fucking doing sitting here in
front of a church?I don't even believe in God.  Or do I?Oh yes, yes I do.
I believe in him and the sick games he plays.  I believe in the malice he
puts into everyone's lifes.  I believe.  .  .  he ran out from the church.
Blue, blue.  .  blue.  Eyes searching for someone.  He was out of breath.
Cheeks heated.  He was looking for someone until his eyes rested on my
eyes.  He seemed surprised, then ashamed, then curious.  All those emotions
so clearly visible on that beautiful freckly sickly white face.  He didn't
know what to do so I had to pull myself together and stop acting like a
teenager on his first fucking date.  I motion him towards me.  He takes
small unsure steps.  I take out my fags to busy myself with something.  I
tell him to sit down on the stone bench next to me.  He does.  I smell a
light womanly perfume, must be his grandmothers.  He doesn't look at me.

"Whats your name?" I ask

"June"

I smile.  What a beautiful name.

"You like coming to church?"

"Yes sir"

"Do you know who I am?"

He looks up at me alarmed.  I am completely lost in the blue.

"Vaguely , " he responds.  I laugh.  He looks hurt.  I shut up.  He puts
his head down and bites on his lip.  I wish I was biting on his lip.  I get
awful images in my head.  I don't want to do that stuff to him.  Go away, I
don't want to see that.  I would never hurt him.  I am not a monster.

I am shaking.  I wonder if he can see.  I'm too afraid to look him in
the eye.  This is the most intimidating meeting I've ever had.  I want to
stop shaking, but I can't.  I try to think of nice things, but it doesn't
help.  I am shaking.  It's visible.

"Are you cold?"

"A bit"

I take off my suit and put it over his shoulders.  He still shivers like a
little bird.  I put my arm around him and bring him closer.  He still
doesn't look at me.  He's shivering.  He puts his head on my shoulder.  I
lay my head on his head.  On his crown of gold.  The feeling is
overwhelming.  I'm so close to my blue.