Date: Fri, 14 Jul 2006 12:57:07 +0200
From: A.K. <andrej@andrejkoymasky.com>
Subject: Fabrizio's First "No!" - 8/8 (Adult Youth)

----------------------------

FABRIZIO'S FIRST "NO!"
by Andrej Koymasky (C) 2006
Written on December 15, 1994
translated by the author
English text kindly revised
by Brian Zimbabwe

-----------------------------

USUAL DISCLAIMER

"FABRIZIO'S FIRST "NO!" " is a gay story, with some parts containing
graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion,
family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better
not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't
care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my
welcomed guest.

-----------------------------

CHAPTER EIGHT

When he went back home, Fabrizio was feeling dazed and confused. He also
felt dirty. He gave himself to many men, to everyone, really like a
cheep whore. That was possibly his destiny - being everybody's boy. No,
he could not be Guglielmo's boyfriend, he thought, and not Bertrand's
boy either. He felt like crying.

He took a long shower, but still felt dirty - he couldn't wash away the
kind of dirtiness he was feeling inside him with water. He went to bed.
He wasn't able to sleep. His head was still aching. And also his ass...

Gustavo told him... All of a sudden he remembered also the guy who took
him to the hotel. So, then, if he didn't forget someone, he gave himself
to seven men in less than twelve hours. A real whore, because he enjoyed
it.

Gustavo had fucked him for a long time, that morning, with reciprocal
pleasure. The man asked him if they could meet again, but Fabrizio
didn't answer. Then he offered to drive him home, but he preferred to go
back alone. Luckily his mother was not at home. Who knows what would she
have said, have thought, if she imagined how he had spent these last
hours. She would possibly throw him out of their home.

He couldn't fall asleep. Yes, he had to leave Bertrand and Guglielmo,
when he came back from Venezuela. Rather, he would write to him, to tell
him - he didn't feel like meeting him, face to face, to tell him... He
cried, silently.

His mother called - she just wanted to know if he was back. She said she
would be back home for supper. Later Bertrand called. He wanted to meet
him.

"I don't feel like it." The boy answered.

"Come on, I looked for you yesterday evening, but your mum told me you
weren't coming back home. Where did you go?"

"Here and there..."

"Come, please, I'm waiting for you."

"Bertrand, I..." the boy started to say, confused.

"I want you. Come on! I'll wait for you. Then we'll have lunch
together." The young Frenchman insisted.

Fabrizio yielded. He dressed and went to his friend's place. As he
entered, Bertrand embraced him and was about to kiss him, full of
desire. Fabrizio was about to respond, on instinct, but stopped himself
and stiffened.

"What's up?" Bertrand asked, astounded.

"I... I cannot make love with you any more." The boy said, almost in a
rush.

"Eh? Why? I don't understand..."

"I need to talk with you..." he said with a serious and tense
expression.

"What happened? God, what a face! What's up?"

Fabrizio, without the courage to look at him, started to tell. About
Daniele and Valerio, the guy in hotel, the orgy with the four strangers,
and his final fuck with Gustavo.

"You see? I'm not your boyfriend, I let anybody fuck me..."

"But... didn't you feel good with me? I thought that..."

"Yes, I like you, but I'm not able saying no to others... it's enough
that someone tells me he wants me... and I'm game. I'm a whore,
Bertrand. Look for a more reliable boy..."

"You... why did you do that?"

"I don't know. Because I couldn't do otherwise. If you now wanted to
fuck me, I would not be able to say no... as to anybody else."

"No... I don't feel like it anymore, now, after what you told me. I pity
you, Fabrizio. I thought you were a nice boy, but on the contrary... you
are ill in your head."

"Exactly..." the boy said, disheartened, not having the courage to look
at his face.

"I'm sorry. I really believe it would be better we don't meet any more.
I don't feel like sharing you with half of the city."

"Sure. Then... god-bye." Fabrizio said going towards the apartment door.
He hoped his friend would call him back, just to say farewell with a
little warmth, a little sweetness. But Bertrand said nothing, did
nothing, and Fabrizio left his home, sad and depressed.

Back home, he at once started to write a letter to Guglielmo. He wrote,
more or less the same things he told Bertrand, he asked for his
forgiveness, and told him not to look for him anymore.

All that week long, Fabrizio only went to school and home. He didn't
want to meet anyone. His mother noticed his black mood at once and asked
him the reason. He answered that there was nothing - he just was feeling
very tired and not feeling very well - he was just going down with
influenza perhaps. His mother seemed to believe him.

Two letters came from Guglielmo, who still hadn't received his last one.
Fabrizio read them disconsolately - the expressions of love from the man
filled him with remorse. No, he wasn't the boy Guglielmo believed he
was. No, not him!

On Saturday afternoon there was a telephone call.

"Fabri, Guglielmo from Venezuela!" urged his mother.

"Tell him I'm not home." The boy answered.

"I already told him you are home. Hurry up, he's waiting." She said,
amazed at her son's attitude.

Fabrizio, reluctantly, his heart beating like a bass-drum, went to
answer.

"Hello..."

"Fabri? I received your letter..."

"Ah..."

"I'll be back soon. We will talk about it in person. But I... I wanted
to tell you straightaway - I love you, don't ever forget it."

"No..." the boy almost wailed.

"Yes. To me, nothing has changed, is that clear? I love you just as you
are, do you understand me?"

"It's not fair..."

"Don't talk nonsense. Wait for me. I love you Fabrizio, never forget it.
I love you."

"That's not possible... that's not possible..."

"That is what you think."

"I don't deserve your love..."

"This also, you think. See you soon, my love. We will talk in person.
But I love you, never forget it."

The click of disconnection shook Fabrizio. He put down the receiver. He
saw his mother looking at him with an intense gaze.

"What's up, Fabri? You have such a face! Guglielmo... did he leave you,
by chance?"

"No..."

"So, then, what's up?"

"Nothing, mum. Nothing..."

"You don't want to talk about it?"

"I don't feel like it, but nothing serious, don't worry."

"It's a week now you have been so strange. Influenza... it was just a
pretext, wasn't it? If you would only talk to me..."

"I have to get over this alone, mum, really. But don't worry it will
pass. I'm going to do my homework, now."

The woman didn't insist. She could understand that her son, now almost
of age, wanted to walk with his own legs - he didn't need her anymore,
he was grown up.

Fabrizio went back to his room. He wanted to cry, but was not able.
Guglielmo's words still resounded in his head - "I love you..." But how
could he love him now that he knows what I am, knows what I'm really
like? Could one really love someone like him? One without a character,
without a spine, one saying yes to the first one who touches him, wants
him?

He thought to go to the gay bar again, to get again drunk, to be taken
again on a bed, on a thousand beds - "take me, I am available. Who wants
me? Just raise a hand - form a queue, there is something for everybody."

He wore the most provocative clothes he had, tight, colorful, and showy.
Just like a real whore, he thought. Then he went to the bar, after
telling his mother that he would possibly spend that night away also.

He sat at the same table as the previous Saturday. It was still early,
there were just a few patrons. He slowly sipped his usual gin-fizz,
looking around and asking himself who would be the first one to hook
him. He would say yes to anybody, he knew. It was the others who didn't
know, or else they would already have hooked him.

Around ten o'clock a really handsome man entered. He was elegant, about
forty- years-old, lean and tall. He looked around, saw Fabrizio and went
straight to his table.

"Hi." He said with a low, warm voice.

"Hi." Fabrizio answered, trying to assume a bold, brazen air.

"May I sit with you?"

"Sure."

"My name is Carlo."

"Fabrizio."

"A nice name... for a nice boy..." the man said with a winning smile,
and then asked, "Are you waiting for somebody?"

"No, I'm free, tonight."

"But... are you by chance a... hustler?" the man asked, studying him.

"No, I do it for free. Do you have somewhere to go?"

The man seemed shocked at such a direct approach. Hesitantly he said,
"Yes, I have a place. What do you like to do?"

"I suck it and take it in my ass." the boy answered cheekily, looking
him straight in the eyes.

"Oh, I see. You do not beat about the bush, either... How old are you?"

"Nineteen." Fabrizio lied quickly, thinking that if the other knew he
was still a minor, would possibly decline.

"I like you. You really want to come?"

"Yes, sure."

"Well, then..." The man said standing up.

Fabrizio followed him. Carlo had his car parked nearby. On the way, they
didn't talk. The man took him home.

"Would you like a drink?" The man offered.

"No... where is the bedroom?"

"I... I usually don't like doing things in a hurry. I like you, but...
do you always behave like this?"

"Like this... how? Don't you want to fuck me?"

"Yes, I would like making love with a handsome boy like you, but... We
just met and... Making love is not just fucking."

"I... I'm not able to make love, I am only good for a fuck." Fabrizio
said in a quiet, sad voice, "Just like a hustler. Only for free."

"I don't believe you. You act the bold fellow, but you seem only a
frightened, lost puppy. I would like to understand."

"Understand? What? I'm made this way - whoever wants me, must just take
me. Do you want me or not?"

"Not only your body, in spite of all..."

"I've nothing else to offer." Fabrizio said bitterly.

"I don't believe you. Even in a casual encounter, there is always a
little bit of a dream, of a hope, of human warmth. You are not just a
rubber doll with two holes."

"No, I'm a flesh one, with two holes to fill. At anyone's pleasure."

"Without dreams, without desires, without hopes?"

"Not me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not... because I... I'm not able to be faithful to the man
I love. I'm just not able."

"There is, then, someone you love. There is, then, a hope."

"Who loves me, rather? If I really loved him, I would be able to be
faithful to him, wouldn't I? I would not be here with you, would I?"

"But you would like being able to be faithful, therefore there is a
dream, hope."

"But I'm not able. Fuck me, go on."

"If he was here, now, with us, would you ask me to fuck you, in front of
him?" The man asked him gently.

"No, sure."

"And he... is he not here with us, as he loves you? As you love him?"

"But he is not here..."

"On the contrary, he is here. What's his name?"

"Guglielmo..." the boy whispered.

"Don't you feel he is here?"

Fabrizio didn't answer. He was trembling. The man lightly caressed the
back of his hand.

"You are trying to play the cynic with yourself, but are not able...
tell me the truth..." he said, sweetly.

"I..."

"Why don't you tell me what your problem is?"

"What's the use?"

"It's always of use talking with somebody wanting to listen. It helps to
clarify things."

"And you... you feel like listening to me? Didn't you want to fuck me?"

"I like you, sure. I like you physically. But I'm interested in you more
as a person. Do you feel this to be weird?"

Fabrizio looked at him and saw a gentle smile. So he started to speak,
slowly, softly. The man was squeezing his hand, almost to encourage him,
while Fabrizio was laying bare his soul. He talked for a long while, he
recounted his life to him, his experiences. At last he became silent,
exhausted, trembling.

"Good. Now lower your trousers. I want to fuck your ass." the man said
with sudden hardness.

Fabrizio stared at him with wide eyes and said, "No... you cannot do
this, now..."

"You came here for this, didn't you?"

"But now... no, I can't... not with you..." the boy said, lost, "Not
so..."

The man smiled, sweetly, "Well, you see that you are able to say no?"

"I..."

"This was what I hoped for. What I thought. You possibly only have to
learn to know yourself better, before making rash judgments about
yourself."

Fabrizio seemed relieved, but said, "It's only because you made me talk,
or else we would already be on your bed."

"You can always come to it, can't you? I continue to desire you, or
rather, now that I know you somewhat better, I desire you even more than
before."

"I wouldn't be able to, now."

"What changed?"

"I don't know, I can't understand..."

"But something changed, right? Possibly because we talked without veils,
without lies. Possibly because you didn't see in me only an aroused
male, but a friend who wanted to listen, understand, give you a hand."

"Yes, possibly."

"So, then, why don't you try to understand, to listen, to help yourself?
You have to be your best friend. You like having sex, there is nothing
odd about that. You like feeling desired and also this is just natural,
I'd say. The other's excitation excites you, and this is also natural...
But, as you've seen, you're also able to say no... We often have to say
no, to cover our previous yes. What you told me about Guglielmo, he
loves you."

"Yes, but I'm not able to love him..."

"I don't believe that. You only have to think that the love you feel for
him is the most important thing in your life, more than anything else.
One has to learn how to love... And at times it costs, but it is worth
it in the end..."

" Guglielmo also said so..."

"Entrust yourself to him, now that you've written to him, that he knows.
He says he loves you as he did before, and I would believe him, if I
were in your place. So then, ask him for his help, for the strength of
his love."

"Why didn't you fuck me at once? Wasn't it what you desired? I don't
understand you..."

"Because I felt attracted to you as a person, not just as a body,
however handsome it could be. Certainly, the first thing that attracts
is the physical, external aspect, but... But what really makes the
difference is, for good or bad, what there is inside..."

"Those seven... they didn't seem to think so - they all just wanted to
fuck me, to use me, to amuse themselves."

"We are not all the same, sure. But YOU are not so... Even though you
tried, this evening, to be so with me. And I felt it, or I would rather
have taken you straight to my bed. But also those seven, in a different
situation, would have acted differently, who knows. No man is just in
one dimension, and neither in two - we are all in three dimensions, that
is complex, if not at times also complicated."

"I'm sorry I made you waste so much time... You were looking for an
encounter, and found yourself being... a confessor."

"I don't regret it at all. Adventures, one can find them easily. Being
able to help somebody is more rare. I don't feel I've wasted my time.
I'm happy I met you."

"But possibly, I'll now go back there and... find myself in the bed of
another man. I don't believe I could change so easily."

"Well, why don't you try? If you like, I'll come to the bar with you.
Now it will be crowded, it is almost midnight."

"I don't know..."

"Let's go..." Carlo insisted with a smile, standing up.

They went back to the bar. Fabrizio sat at a table but Carlo didn't sit
near him, "At least you are free to let yourself get hooked..." he said
as a pretext.

Two, three guys tried to hook Fabrizio, but all of them, after talking
for a while with him, left him alone. The boy stood up and went to sit
near Carlo.

"So?" the man asked.

"I couldn't say yes - you were looking at me."

"Anyway you said no, you see?"

"But possibly, if you weren't here..."

"I'm going back home, now... see if..."

"No, don't go, please..."

"Yes. Best wishes, Fabrizio."

"Would you let me have your phone number? I would like to meet you
again."

"I would be pleased if we became friends too. Here, I'll write it down.
Call me any time you want to, Fabrizio."

"Thank you..." the boy answered slipping the piece of paper in his
wallet.

Carlo gave him a smile and left the bar.

After less than half an hour, a young man sat at Fabrizio's table, "Hi,
are you alone?"

"Yes..."

"It's a while I've been watching you. Is your man the one who left a
while ago, who was sitting here?"

"No, just a friend."

"I would like being your friend."

"Thank you."

"You are a really beautiful boy. I don't know if I'm your type, but you
are mine." The youth said with a smile.

"You too are very handsome. Don't you have a boyfriend?"

"No, but I'd like having one like you, for instance." The youth said
putting a hand on Fabrizio's thigh and caressing it.

Fabrizio quivered - he loved that touch, he was becoming aroused, "But I
already have my man." He said.

"Ah... is he here?"

"No, he's now abroad."

"So, then, you're free, now, aren't you?" The youth hinted, moving his
caress up, up the boy's thigh.

"No, I'm not free... not in that sense..." Fabrizio said gently but
determinedly stopping the youth's hand, that was nearly brushing against
the erection he had.

"Why not? We can amuse ourselves, just once, you and I. I like you a
lot, you know?"

"I too like you, but... I already have my man." He repeated determinedly
and suddenly felt free, happy, relieved.

"That's a pity... Well, have a good evening, then..." the youth said and
left him.

Later someone else approached him. This one used a different technique.
He sat at his table and looked at him for a long time, without saying a
word. Fabrizio thought that this evening all the most beautiful males
seemed to have gathered there, for him. The man smiled at him and
Fabrizio, instinctively, returned it. And became aroused at once.

"Ciao, my name's Ernesto."

"Fabrizio. How do you do."

"Nice crowd, tonight, isn't it? I noticed you here a couple of times. Do
you come often?"

"Not really..."

"Each time you were with a different person... Don't you have a
boyfriend?"

"Yes, I have one..."

"But... at times you allow yourself an escapade, right?"

"Yes, at times I did."

"And tonight?"

"Not tonight..."

"No? And why? Wouldn't you like to amuse yourself a little with me? Am I
not your type, perhaps?"

"No, on the contrary... You are really sexy... But..."

"Ah, thank you. You are very sexy too... Listen, wouldn't you like to
come and dance with me? Here nearby..."

"Why not."

They went. At first they danced one in front of the other. The youth's
stance, his movements, aroused him. Then the slow dances started.
Ernesto took him in his arms and made him feel his erection, brushing it
against him and so feeling that of Fabrizio.

Ernesto smiled and kissed him on the neck, "I like you a lot..."

"Yes, I can feel it... but as I said to you, I have my man..."

"I will not take you away from him. But just for tonight, can't you
forget him? I like you to die for..." he repeated caressing his bottom
and pulling him to himself more tightly.

Fabrizio liked the contact very much. He could feel the youth's member
pushing against him - strong, hard, and demanding.

"Come with me... you'll not regret it... I'll make you enjoy." Ernesto
murmured in his ear, in a seductive voice.

"No... let's go and sit down..."

"Come on... you are aroused too, I can feel it..."

"Yes, sure... I like you..."

"So, then?"

"I already have my man, as I told you..."

"I want you... Just once... He doesn't have to know, does he? A friend
of mine lets me use his attic... You and I, alone."

"No, really..." Fabrizio murmured, but feeling terribly tempted. He
parted from the other, "Let's go to have a seat, now."

Ernesto followed him. He sat near him and girdled his shoulders with an
arm. For a while they didn't talk, then he said, "I like you madly... I
want you..."

"It is late. If you had met me a few hours ago... Forget it."

"Ah, you already had sex a few hours earlier, that's why..."

"No, it's just that... Now it's too late."

"It's only two am. If you had to go back home, you would already have
left. At this time everybody waits for dawn. The attic is close to here,
a stone throw. Will you come?"

"No."

"Even just to talk..." Ernesto insisted.

"Talk? We can talk here..."

Ernesto tried to caress him again intimately, but Fabrizio stopped him.
He knew  that he had to be strong - he still felt too much weak. He
could succumb too easily, because the young man appealed to him - he
could clearly feel his arousal and he too was aroused. But Fabrizio won
his struggle. Ernesto at the end yielded. So, later, Fabrizio went back
home.

He was not yet proud of himself, he knew that it would not be easy. But
he had tried, and succeeded, in saying "no". Not so much to the other,
but to himself. Could he then, possibly, still hope to be worthy of
Guglielmo's love? "I love you!" he had said to him, after reading his
last letter. After he knew everything about him. He fell asleep, for the
first time after many days, serene.

Guglielmo called him three days later - he was at Caselle airport.

"Fabrizio, I'm now taking a taxi home. I would like to see you, as soon
as possible... can you come?"

"Yes..." the boy said, his heart beating strong and fast, "Sure..."

"It will take me an hour, possibly less... Now it is 4:25... by 5, 5:30
PM, perhaps, I will be home. I'll wait for you, is that alright,
Fabrizio?"

"Sure..."

"I'm longing to see you... I love you so much..."

"Why?" asked the boy, but feeling happy.

"Because you are Fabrizio, what more?" The man answered sweetly.

The boy was happy and anxious. He will at last see the man of his life
again. And, possibly, he could also tell him that he loved him,
notwithstanding everything.

>From his home to Guglielmo's it would take at most twenty minutes.
Fabrizio was continually checking his watch. At 4:30 he could no longer
resist and, even though it was possibly too early, he left his home and
went towards Guglielmo's.

As he was approaching it, he was feeling more and more exited and
anxious. But one thing was now giving him hope - he had absolutely
nothing more to hide from him. He could tell him anything, everything
about himself, without fear, without hesitation.

He got to Guglielmo's house at 4:47 - decidedly too early. He waited,
walking up and down on the sidewalk, looking continually at his watch
and watching for a taxi.

At 5:06, he saw the taxi come and, as he hoped, stop near him. Guglielmo
got out. The taxi driver got out to unload his luggage from the boot.

"Fabrizio!" the man said with a broad smile.

"I'll help you to take your luggage upstairs..." the boy said, radiant.

"Thank you... I was eager to get here..."

"You were fast."

"There was little traffic, luckily..."

They went upstairs. As soon as they left the luggage in the apartment's
corridor, Guglielmo took Fabrizio in his arms, "Love... what a joy
seeing you again..."

"Do you still want me?" the boy asked with a hint of nervousness.

"Silly boy! Would I have come back earlier if it was not so? They asked
me to stay two more weeks, but I couldn't..."

"You came back... just for me?"

"Sure, for you. You are the most important thing in the world, for me.
Don't you know that? And then, we have been separated, far apart, far
too long. Come, my love... I need you so much..."

"Before... isn't it better we talk about it?" the boy hesitantly asked,
but feeling in himself as much desire as the man was showing him.

"No, we will have time later, for that. I love you, you know it..."

"I too think I love you... Even though I don't know if I'm really able
as I would like..."

"We will talk of that later. Now come, my love... I really need you so
much, Fabrizio..."

"I need you badly too..."

Guglielmo took him in his arms, kissed him for a long time in the mouth,
then lifted him bodily and took him to the bedroom, where he gently put
him down on the bed.

They looked at each other with bright eyes.

Then Guglielmo started to unbutton the boy's clothes, caressing and
kissing him, while Fabrizio, with feverish hands, was pulling off all
the clothes of the man who loved him in spite of everything.

And finally, they melted together, without any more qualms.

-----------------------------

THE END

-----------------------------

In my home page I've put some more of my stories. If someone wants to
read them, the URL is

http://andrejkoymasky.com

If you want to send me feed-back (really appreciated, be it positive or
negative), please e-mail at

andrej@andrejkoymasky.com

---------------------------