Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2005 11:59:08 -0800 (PST)
From: Thomas-Alexander Kind <thomasalexander_kind@yahoo.com>
Subject: Filipino Days-2

No disclaimer, as the ones that hold the power do what
they want anyhow. Everybody else does not need one.
Storycode: M/b


The truth.
For you, Wolf.

Filipino Days -- 2

Coco Grove - 1

Half a dozen Calamansi roll out of my bag onto the
bed.
Small green citrus fruit native to the Philippines.
I had come to like the tart, lime-like taste that
would flood my mouth with flavour and my mind with
pictures.

I was back.
Back in Pagsanhan.
Back in the town with that dirty brown river.
Coconut palms and Banana plants.
There was no escape.

What did I think I would do, when given the choice to
go north to Baguio to watch some man operate with his
bare hands on the faithful.
Or... be on my own. Do what I want. Go where I wanted
to.!
So we had parted in that guesthouse in Ermita, full of
another batch of Peace-Corps guys. My friend on a
motorcycle, hanging on to the back of a burly chap
from Arizona who was running a methane-gas project
some place near Baguio.
Me in the back of that bus going south.
Both of us looking to be healed from the wounds inside
of us.
His wounded faith looking for salvation.
My wounds still fresh from the birthing of the man I
became at the hands and body of the boy-with-no-name.
How could I think that just once was enough.
3 days had passed and I was close to madness.
Had managed the first day in the quiet after-glow of
the liberation I had gained from the few hours of
living inside the bubble of my dream.
Had replayed the sex and the delight all of the next
day.
Had spent hours in Rizal Park the day after,
desperate, depressed.
Crying a bit, when by myself.
Loosing it.
Getting drunk and looking for pain that night.
But ended up huddled into my friends back, sniffling
and wanting to hide from the world.

What did I think I would do.
Have a drink from the fountain and never need water
again.
Oh... I knew I was damned.
Knew that it was real. This longing. This need. This
terrible emptiness that had come and built a nest in
my chest.
So in the end it was only what I needed.
Not what I wanted.

One week.
We would meet up again in the coffee-shop of the
guesthouse.
Looking into each others eyes we knew that we would be
there.
Would we be the same.?
`Vaia con dios.'
				*

I collect the Calamansis off the bed and place them on
the small bedside table.
The tuk-tuk had deposited me right into the reception
of the `Falls-Hotel'.
No Youth-Hostel this time.
I was, after all, a genuine
man-who-picks-up-boys-for-sex.!
So I was allowed to stay here, right.?
My choice was air-con or non-air-con. Well, I was not
going to throw away good money on bad air-con, so a
`Garden-Room' was my decision.
`Coco Grove', I almost did laugh out loud.
For some reason the `Boat-House' held less attraction
for me.
On top of it, it was a lot more money.
I had paid for a couple of days in advance and had
been led to the back of the property. A couple of
short rows of rooms with fenced in verandas, looking
out into the lush gardens of tropical greens with the
occasional flower in bright red or yellow.
Narrow walkways made from concrete slabs.
One of them had an inscription scratched into it,
which ominously read: `Land of Peso'.
I chuckled to myself as I thought about this, having
tipped the old boy nicely for handling my gear.
Just one bag, I could do well on my own, but felt that
a little coin might make things go smoother. Was shown
the attached bathroom with toilet, sink and the
showerhead that hung off the wall on one side.
Given the key and reminded of the fact that I should
be locking things up.
Hmmm... other than a few young men, lounging in an open
hut, obviously `boat-men', I had not encountered
another person young or old.
The middle of the afternoon, I had looked with some
interest at the rock swimming-pool with it's little
bridge over the middle of it, we had passed on the way
to the room.
But really, I was tired from the effort to get here.
So I ended up on the big bed, slowly drifting off,
listening to the sound of the heat outside and in.
				*
Darkness, sounds of cicadas outside.
Sweaty and restless.
Sleep without any sense of being refreshed.
Darkness inside of me.
I slink off to the shower.
The tepid water almost washes away the cod-webs in my
head.
I can not remember dreaming, but feel like I have run
for miles.
A part of me wants to hide in my room.
Not go out, not go and find that boy again.
But yes,... it is true, of course I want to find him
again.
I MUST find him again.
He, after all, holds the key to my desire.
Has the body full of answers to the questions of my
lust.
Carries mysteries inside of him, which I have yet to
explore.
Seems like my rational mind has no place in all this.
			*

Walking out of my room I am not sure where to go.
But follow the sound of music to the open hall that
seems to serve as dining room with a dozen tables and
bar.
Next to it is the reception and outside there are
tuk-tuk's ready to take me back into town.
Yes, that is the only place I know where to go.
So of course I go back.
Back to that pub/restaurant on the square.
Back to the juke-box.

Hot night, dark and empty somehow.
The 2-stroke engine belches stink.
Other tuk-tuks are coming up the road and I can hear
young voices chattering.
Am I going in the wrong direction.?
Ships passing in the night.?
The square, the friendly light of the pub.
A table, a beer, some food.
It is already well past 9pm.
I am hungry and thirsty now. Sit with my back to the
wall and my eyes on the door.
The second beer settles me down.
The third makes me a bit tipsy.
The edges of my vision narrow.
Like looking down a tunnel... but there is no-one at the
end of it.
After the fourth I know that I need to leave.
Am feeling drunk and sad.
No boy.
In fact I have been alone in this joint for the last
hour.
The coins in my pocket are burning themselves into my
skin.
A pocket full of silver.

I am running away again in my head.
But this is not going to work.
I am not the same, so I can not run away from myself.

My head out the side of the tuk-tuk, to feel the warm
night air on my face,... to drive the tears from my
eyes.
To give me an excuse to wipe across them.
Inside of me I am howling in pain.
This is not what is supposed to happen.
This is not supposed to be just a one-time thing.
This is not going to work.
I can not crawl back into myself.
Myself is no longer there.
There is a new man sitting on the sticky plastic seat
of this dirty little chariot.
And I do not know him too well.

What now.?
Hotel.
Garden.
Room.
Fucking `Coco Grove', my ass.!
I bang around my room.
Laugh at myself.
Chuck my clothes and sit on the bed naked.
Thinking about the bottle of Mekong Whisky in my pack.

NO, I will just go and have a swim.
I will pretend to be some god-damn tourist and swim in
that little pool with the bridge over it.
Yes, fuck boys and all, I will clear my head, swim and
than sleep and get out of here in the morning. Land of
fucking Peso.!
So I drag on a pair of trunks, grab a towel and
flip-flop it down the narrow path to the
swimming-pool.
Slippery stones, but I make it into the water without
damaging myself.
Nice, cool,... smells a bit rank, but I don't care.
I play and swim, dive and splash.
Feel like a kid in the village pool at home, when we
used to scale the fence on hot summer nights, drop our
clothes and race naked into the water. Jumping and
splashing until the pool-warden would wake up and
shine the spotlight on us.
Keep us pinned in the water and yell at us.
Until we got over it and ran off, `mooning' the warden
in the process.
Laughing our ass off while hopping over the fence with
our clothes in our arms.
Like every generation of village boys before us.

I am smiling at myself.
Laughing,... hold on... I am only laughing in my head,
right.?!
Giggles... I spin around.

On the bridge, spanning the middle of the pool, are
half a dozen boys, some sitting on the railing, some
leaning against it. Smiling, giggling.
And one man.
Filipino, seems like he is carrying a flashlight or
such.
Ah, night-watchman.?!
I know I am not drunk enough for mirages, actually I
am not drunk at all any longer.
6 boys... small to larger.
Young to teenagers.
Boys.!
`What's your name.?'
I groan out loud, one of them of course had to ask the
infamous question.
I tell them,...and splash water up at them.
Squeals.
`What's yours.?'
to my surprise the Watchman answers...:
`This one is :Asks too much money.
This one is : Small dick.
This one: I want a t-shirt.
This one: My mother needs money.
This one: You can suck my dick.
This one: Will you buy me a car?

All the boys are laughing, practically falling off the
bridge.
I am gasping as I am still floating in the water.
I can not believe this.
This is some dream, I tell you.
I briefly wonder if we are going to be kicked out
soon, for all the noise, but remember that this is
Asia, not the Western World.
I splash some more.
Ask who wants to come in and swim.?
They all shake their heads. Smiling.
Hey, they are all cute.
Short hair, long hair.
White teeth gleaming from brown faces in the half
light.
I climb out and sit on the stones beneath the bridge,
looking up the few feet to the bare feet and bare
legs.
Smiling faces.
I look at the Watchman, who is smiling as well.
He nods at me... who is he anyhow.?
`You must choose, I think.' He winks at me.
Oh, but how do I do that. And besides... what does he
mean by that...choose.?
`What do you mean..?'
`Well, they all want to go with you to your room,
mister.!'
I am stunned into silence...I hope they think it is
contemplation.
What,.. this is not real.
This can not be real.
One boy, yes... but 6..?!  For sex..?
I am thinking that I will just go to my room, have a
swig of that Mekong Whisky and go to bed. Forget all
this and leave.
I am shivering, but not from cold.
Choose..?
This is madness.
He smiles at me.
I can not find my voice.
But it needs to end... the boys are still smiling and
stretching, yawning.
I point to the one with the curly dark hair, oh gods
he is so small... and the beautiful one that seems more
aloof.
They dance off to the side of the bridge,... the others
are being sent off by the Watchman.
As I climb up the side, on those slippery stones the
little one is there and holds out his hand.
I take it. He smiles. Pulls me up to the path and
keeps his hand in mine.
The beautiful one is slowly walking up ahead to my
room... how does he know which is mine..?
The Watchman follows and once I have opened the room...
the boys are off to the shower.
I offer a drink... he accepts.
I need one.
Feel completely sober, but shaky.
So we sit in the rattan chairs in the fenced veranda
and drink Mekong Whisky in glasses from the bathroom,
delivered by a naked boy... my heart is pumping... with
Calamansi juice.
I get more advice.
He doesn't even ask me if this is my first time here.
He tells me that boys will be boys and that I need to
not let them get away with things... what things...and
that I should not have too many in my room.
Anyhow, he will keep an eye out for things.
I feel small, a boy myself... being told to go and play,
but be careful.
I give him my bottle of Whisky and a couple of
Calamansi and he is truly grateful.
Tell him, that I hope he will come and have a drink
again tomorrow.
By this time the little one, Rolly, is standing behind
my chair and is playing with my hair.
He smells of soap and hair shampoo.
Is wrapped in a towel.
The Watchman winks and smilingly leaves, swinging his
flashlight.
I follow Rolly into the room.
	*
The bathroom light is on and shines into the room.
The other boy, the beautiful one, is stretched out on
the bed, wearing... nothing.!
I swallow hard, it is happening again.
Rolly jumps into the bed.
Towel being slipped off and flung across the
room...landing on the chair.
Two naked boys in my bed.
One playing with my walkman, the other with the little
flashlight on the key chain... Rolly is asking me to
turn it on.
Have you got any IDEA, boy how turned on I already
am.?
I lean over him to show him how it works...the
flashlight.
And am so close to his naked body, I can smell it.
Reach out and touch his belly, casual like... pretending
to myself that I am not really touching him, just sort
of..!
But his skin is soft and warm under my fingertips.
He giggles, I am tickling him it seems.

I run away to the bathroom, quickly shower off the
pool-smell and walk into the bedroom without anything
on.
The boys have taken all the towels, I am forced to
find one somewhere.
Rolly's will do.
I am trying not to show my nervousness, not to let on
that inside I am scared.
Unsure of what to do... what does one do with 2 boys in
ones bed.?
Oh, all the pornographic thoughts are there... but this
is not a movie.
This is reality... I hope.
So I move to the empty side next to the beautiful one.
Let my trembling hand slide over his chest... touching
his nipples.
He has the headphones on and sings along to the tune,
mispronouncing the words in a charming way.
I stroke his legs, thighs...drink in his beautiful face,
skin and sex.
A small tuft of hair above his penis that is filling
out now from my touch.
He puts one arm under his head... looks at me with
anticipation and closes his eyes.
I am rubbing myself against his side while kissing his
chest, his nipples, his navel.
All the way to that hard pulsing boy-penis, straining
above his full pouch.
Wrinkled and tight against his body.
I try to kiss his lips... he moves his head to the side...
ouch, I feel a small stab of pain. This is work, not
affection for these boys I guess.
I am less sure of what is allowed now.
But he pushes my head towards his cock, the head
slipping out of the skin that covers it, moist, red... I
inhale the smell of boy-sex.
It makes me dizzy.
Slip his cock into my mouth.
Was that me, whimpering... I don't want to admit so, but
yes.
He fits into my mouth all the way to the back of it.
Fits into me like he was made for it.
I suck, lick and play with him.
Stroke his thighs, his pouch.
He lifts up, into my mouth as I pull up.
Follows my mouth and rolls his hips.
We work at this for a while... until I notice Rolly next
to me, pulling on his hard little cock...but whispering
to me.
`You have to bite his bag...'
I am not quite comprehending.
` You have to pull on his bag... or bite it.!'
I still do not know what this means.
Am trying for more suction and more speed.
I can not help but begin to feel foolish and
desperate.
The beautiful boy beneath me is snorting in disgust it
seems... I can taste his excitement, but he finally
pushes my head away and a flurry of angry words are
traded between him and Rolly.
I can only sit there, stunned, embarrassed and sad.
But the beautiful one get up, slips on his shorts and
shirt... more words with Rolly...who tells me to give him
the required amount of Pesos... I do... and he slams out
of the door.
I am feeling lousy. A failure.
Can't even suck off a boy, kind of failure.
All those feelings. All the desire. All the lust in my
body.
And I can't even pleasure a boy.
All about me is it..?
What an animal I am.
All about me.!
No love, not even lust, which includes anybody but
myself.
Fucking useless I am, to anybody but my own depraved
self.

Rolly has locked the doors and has slipped next to me
into bed.
I turn to him and tell him, that maybe he should go as
well.
But he shakes his head, smiling a tentative smile.
Nowhere to go, nice bed here, nice boy he is, no
problem sex, no big money.
No bad like the one boy that has left.
He is looking into my face.
I decide that at this point I do not care. Just want
to go to sleep.
Rolly smiles at my sigh and nod.
Jumps out of bed once more and switches off the
bathroom light.
Following the little beam of my flashlight in his hand
back to the bed.
Under the sheet.
Pushing his naked body up against mine.
Insistent.
I can feel his penis getting hard, as his hand has
found mine.
He has pushed one of his legs between mine and is
slowly humping my hip.
Stroking my cock with soft little fingers.
I don't want to, but am getting harder by the second.
He finds my neck with his mouth.
Kisses.
I turn my face.
Our lips lock.
He moans as my tongue slips between his lips.
Squeezes my cock as I pull him closer to me.
Wiggles as I hold his neck and suck on his tongue.
I don't know what will come now... am still out of sorts
from earlier, but this little boy is a mirror to my
own lust.
So I kneel over him, and with our mouths pressed
together he pulls me over the edge spilling my love
all over himself, making him gasp and shiver.
Quickly pulls on his penis a few times and bucks into
my belly in his own  release.
Why do I feel complete again, with this little boy
wrapped around me, almost asleep.
Why does nothing else matter right now.?
	*

Coco Grove ^Ö 2

Not enough sleep.
Birds making too much noise.
Head hurts.
Hot.
Sweat, that feels cold from the air brushing over it.
Stirred by the fan that I should have shut off last
night.
Boy... naked.
Boy... curled into me.

I know where I am , and worse, who I am.

Early light. Someone is sweeping the path outside of
my room.
Seems like scratching inside of my head.
My bladder demands immediate attention.
When I stagger back to bed the boy has taken my spot.
So I slip on a pair of shorts, grab my ciggies and
quietly move to the veranda.
It is not all that early.
Sun is out in full tropical force.
I am trying to let the morning sounds of the birds
settle my mind.
Want to melt away into the green and the smells of
flowers that hang just beside the door of the veranda.

Voices up the path... a middle-aged white man and two
little Filipino boys behind.
They are smiling at me, skipping down the walkway.
The man offers a greeting with a wink and a
conspiratory smile.
I manage to grunt `Good Morning'... but feel suddenly
naked.
What does he know about me.?
Do I look like... like what.?
Is there a mark on me, that tells him that in the bed
in the room behind me is a naked boy.?
What the hell is happening here.?
Running my hand through my hair, I am sure it does not
do anything to make me look any less disheveled.
Rubbing my temples, not really making the dull feeling
and the thumping go away.
Under the cover of my hand I watch them disappear in
the direction of the dining room.
I am too awake to go back to bed, although when I walk
into the room I am captivated by the delightful
picture of a small brown-skinned boy tangled up in
white sheets.
Sitting down on the bed beside him, I imagine being
able to smell him.
His slight, warm body, the dried sweat... my dried
semen.?
I tassel his hair and he move and stretches making
little sounds.
Like a little animal still, not having regained his
humanness.
Sleep still holding him in it's arms.
Eyes slowly fluttering open.
Mesmerizing, this spectacle of boy waking up.
Showing more and more of his brown skin.
>From tiny nipples now to past his navel.
Legs spread wide... oh, something definitely tenting the
sheets.!
I am sure I am blushing, as he smiles, watching me
watch him... and his hard little penis that is twitching
under the sheets.
He rolls to me, quick embrace... then jump and run
towards the bathroom.
I grab my kit and follow.

Rolly is struggling with his erection... obviously
needing to pee.
And finally gives up and aims himself into the shower
area, spraying the wall.!
Giggles and dances on his toes.
Slaps my butt and runs back to bed.

The shower clears some of the numbness in my head.
I shave, feeling the need to give some sort of
appearance.
Loosing my whiskers is not really doing that, but the
ritual helps me walk upright... and walking I will have
to do.
Walking into that dining room.
Into the world, after a night, which is replaying in
my head again and again.
I hope I will not run into that beautiful boy today.?!
I will whither away in shame if I do.!

But I am also scolding myself for thinking that.
So what...
I am the one dishing out the money, right.?
So I should be the one pissed off, right.?
Well... maybe.
I am undecided even after getting dressed.

Rolly is still in bed... toying with himself.
Naked  brown boy on white sheets playing with his hard
little cock.!
The picture burns itself into my brain.
But when he sees me dressed, he sits up and looks for
his clothes.
I toss him his shorts and t-shirt... he scurries around
for his sneakers.
Hmmm... we still have business to do.
Money changes hands... I am giving him too much... I can
see it in his eyes.
But smilingly he asks for lunch money on top.!
Tells me that he will be back later... then clues me in
that boys are not to be seen in the hotel between 10
and 4 as that is the time tourists come and tour the
falls and have lunch.
After that he will come back `and take care of me'.
Hmmm... I do need a lot of `taking care of'.
And I am firmly hooked on this little boy's line.

He dances up, kiss... smile, wave as he trots off to
`mother'.
Somewhere towards a back exit or an easily scaled
fence.
I pull myself up, take another Aspirin and head for
breakfast.
			*
There is a strange half-emptiness about the dining
area.
Maybe half-a-dozen tables occupied by men.
All keeping very much to themselves.
I am breathing a small sigh of relief.
Sit myself close to the edge of the room, back to the
wall, eyes forward.
Uneasiness.
Quiet bunch of white men sitting in the same room,
eating breakfast.
We all know something about the other.
However, we are a group of solitary individuals it
seems.
There is a tension that is almost palatable.
Yes, just as I am checking out all the others, I am
being checked out.
What are we looking for.?
What mark is there that I should look for.?
Here, here at last I should be able to find an answer
to that question in myself that I have struggled with
for so long.
And yes, it is like a whisper in the wind.
There have been times where I have been in a crowd and
have known with certainty that the man I was looking
at was like me.
Was looking at the boy across the room or street with
the same longing.
Why.?

Suddenly my musings are disturbed by a crowd of
tourists walking into the room, stepping close to the
half-wall that is the border to the gardens that lead
to the river.
Somehow the tension is sucked out of the room and
replaced by a perceptible wave of relaxation.
We resident men are cloaked by these people.
And I admit to myself that it eases my apprehension as
well.
One by one the residents are sliding out of the room.
Flowing through the throngs of tourists who are making
arrangements for boat-trips and taking pictures of
each other, with practiced ease leaving hardly a
ripple in the world.
Sitting with my last cup of bad coffee, I have to
smile.
Yes... and somehow feel better.
Somehow, as I am leaving as well, I feel like a member
of some clandestine group of men that move through the
world softly.
There are men like me out there.
There are other men who take boys to their rooms and
...and suck their pee-pees.!
I chuckle to myself, sitting back on my veranda,
smoking and writing in my diary. Here in `Coco Grove'
are twenty rooms with twenty men with at least twenty
boys in bed tonight.
What a thought.!
It borders on ridiculous.
Certainly is incredible.
This is a place not part of reality.
My head is still buzzing, so I head to bed, fan on
high, for a snooze.
			*
It is 3pm when I regain consciousness and in need of
another shower.
The fan did not do such a great job it seems... I am
sweaty and feel somewhat limp.
Hmm... coffee or such, food maybe..?
Feeling at least human I re-claim my table in the
dining room.
While drinking that reconstituted, black, bitter water
that they sell as coffee, I suddenly notice the man
from this morning steering across the room... definitely
in my direction.
Ahmmmm... I hope he is not... yes he is.!
Smiles into my face, introduces himself and asks to
share my table...
I do not know how to say no.
That is the simple truth.
He talks, I listen.
Am afraid to say anything really.
Don't know him.
He seems unconcerned by my silence.
So in the end we are talking.
I learn about this place some more, as it is not his
first time here.
More coffee.
I am catching myself talking about myself.
Am saying something about the beautiful boy from last
night.
He laughs out loud.
Tells me that the boys have already traded my shame
for laughter around the whole place.!
This makes me feel tense indeed.
But he laughs some more and adds that there are not so
many secrets here.
And how about coming to dinner with him tonight.
Him and a bunch of boys. He has already made
reservation at a restaurant in the village and one or
two more would not be a problem.
By this time I have made a silent pact with myself
that I want to try to experience all this place has to
offer and I accept with thanks.

While we are sitting smoking and drinking coffee time
has marched on and suddenly there is a little boy
climbing over the half-wall.
He is one of the two from this morning... this man's
companions.
He sneaks up from behind, making signs for me to not
give his secret approach away...and pounces on the mans
back.
Giggles, play fighting... I can not believe I am
watching this.
But here it is.
Jimmy, as he is being introduced, is making himself
comfortable in the man lap, while we talk.
The man's hand is caressing Jimmy's leg, then slides
up into his shorts.
I am transfixed.
Can't take my eyes of the scene.
Neither one of them seem to even be thinking about
what is going on.
I am unable to stop myself from getting an erection.
I have to go.
Have to leave this.
The un-reality is crashing over me.
The reality is flooding me.
I pay and with promises to meet later we part.
These two for a `nap'... me running for safety.!

Back to my room, change and off for a dip in the
rock-pool.
I need to do something...work my body.
Let my muscles do the thinking for a little while.
So I splash and swim.
Jump from the bridge into that dangerously small pool...
but I need the danger.
Need the trembling in myself about something other
than... boys.
But...
Boys are sitting on the rocks, watching me dive.
Boys that smile and chatter among themselves then jump
into the water as well...after dropping shorts on the
side of the pool.
Oh my gods... Speedo's on brown-skinned boys.
Splashes of iridescent colour.
Water pearling off their skin... shiny seal-pups with
smiles and white flashes of teeth.
Jumping... swimming... chasing each other.
Where did they all come from.?
There must be 4 ^Ö5 of them.
Lithe bodies... enchanting views of arms, legs, bums
underneath a multitude of small bursts of colour,
covering only the bare minimum.
Where do they get these from..?
I take a rest, watching them play.!
This is making me a little sad and choked up...  the
un-reality of this place, a small pool full of boys
playing, smiling, shouting.
And me sitting in the middle of it.
Far from home, but wishing this was home.
Wishing this could be reality.
Wishing that small boy in the bright red Speedo's
would stop splashing me.
But he is doing this on purpose it seems.
So I get into the game...out of my funk.
Chase him around the pool to the screaming delight of
the other boys.
He is quick, is slippery when I get close enough to
put my hands on him... is giving me quite the workout.!
But makes me pant for him in other ways as well... and
knows it.
I give up after half an hour of wasted effort... and
Jimmy , another one, is doing a little victory dance
on the bridge.
My self-appointed keeper Rolly has arrived as well,
but refuses to get into the game. Hands me my towel,
helps me up to the slippery stones.
Half the little tribe of boys are following us to the
room.
Are asking to take a shower.
My mind shuts out the pictures and I am trying not to
get aroused again.
So in seconds I have 4 boys in the shower... naked...
using liberal amounts of my hair-shampoo.
While I am dry-mouthed watching them.
Rolly pushes me into the melee telling me he will save
a towel for me...if I hurry up.
Somebody is spaying me with the showerhead...there are
hands all over my body, spreading soap...somebody has
pulled down my swim-shorts.
Only little Jimmy, the smallest among them is still
wearing his bright red Speedo.
I have given up thinking... I am not really here.!
I have surely died and gone to join the gods.
Am watching myself soap some boy's shoulders and back.
Another's bum.
A flurry of giggles when I am grabbing for a little
penis.
They are quick to not get into any play, but feel free
to pull on my erection one stroke at a time.
This is all fun... is all play it seems...except I am
horny and it has got to stop or go on to the end.
Well... it stops.
They are out... drying themselves
And pulling on their Speedo's, shorts and t-shirts.

Rolly has fought off the attempts to snatch my towel
from him and is proudly handing it to me.
I dry off and dress... and am being asked for some
change for drinks.
`Land of Peso'.
Off they run, with too much money in their hands...
except I have asked Rolly to keep Jimmy behind.
Jimmy does not speak English it seems.
So I get Rolly to ask if he would like to come to have
dinner with us and stay the night.
Jimmy shakes his head.
No.
He does not want to stay.
He assumes that means no dinner... and leaves after a
quick exchange in Tagalog with Rolly.
I am more disappointed than I want to be. I am willing
to admit that I fancy Jimmy. That I want to have a
chance to see him naked, to hold him... I have settled
on the bed with Rolly in my arms... to lick him from top
to bottom.
My hands have found the snap on Rolly's shorts and in
2 winks he is bare.
Twists out of my arms, but just to shut the door, slip
the latch and pull the curtain fully close.
Then he is in my arms...having flung his t-shirt
off...tugging at my shorts.
In my mind I am still licking Jimmy's chest...those oh
so small pointy nipples... while gently biting Rolly's
neck.
He giggles and squeezes my cock in his small hand.
I roll him on his back and let my tongue wander over
his nipples to his navel.
I have never kissed someone's bum... but here I roll the
boy over and kiss his cheeks.
He laughs.
I kiss the little knobs of his spine... until I am at
his neck again.
Am on top of him...and my penis is rubbing between his
bum cheeks.
But Rolly wiggles on to his back.
Looks into my eyes seriously and tells me that bum was
a no-no.
Boys here do not do.
Maybe other place... but not here.
Then pulls me close and pushes his hard little cock
against mine.
Enough... this is enough.
I will take this and pray to my gods for forgiveness
to have wanted more... wanting Jimmy's bum around my
cock.!
Any boy's bum for that matter.
Wonder how that would feel.?
I kiss Rolly hard and move down his body slipping his
cock into my mouth.
I stroke his balls in the taunt pouch beneath it.
Caress the inside of his thighs... am learning what
makes a boy purr and pant.
His hands in my hair, helping to move my head in the
rhythm of his desire is a strangely submissive
pleasure to me.
His legs are twitching and while I contemplate the
wonders, he grunts, pushes and graces my tongue with a
little wetness before slumping back into the sheets.
Holding him in my arms I want to ask for forgiveness
for wanting more.
But as he is on me, legs wrapped around me... my hard
cock is back resting against his bum.
And with my mind full of pictures of things that are
even forbidden here it seems, I am wetting his back as
I pull myself through a hard orgasm... while Rolly
squeezes me in a crunching hug.
			*
We are back from dinner.
Walking through the dimly lit pathways from the
reception to the back of the resort past the bushes
with the fragrant flowers, we are following the
chattering crocodile of boys back to Coco Grove.
Bid each other good-night with a promise to meet for
breakfast tomorrow, as it is the last day for him
here, the man that had invited me to come and have
dinner.
In the end we had been 3 men and about 8 boys or so.
It had been too stunning an experience to really be
sure of all the details.
Setting off in a convoy of tuck-tucks, loaded with men
and boys.
I had been talked into taking along a comely lad with
big ears, who seemed to stand out simply for his
unattractiveness.
Was he my alibi boy.?
Was he the one that was to carry my guilt about what I
was doing here.?
A simple gesture of good will.?
At any rate it had been quite a thing, motoring into
town, finding seats at a long table already laid out
for us in an upstairs room of a restaurant, where the
woman welcomed the man with open arms and affection.
All the boys behaving themselves and eating... eating
vast quantities of food.
I was astounded by it all and can not get the past few
hours out of my head.
It seems that Donny, the comely lad, is going to stay
the night... who am I to deny him a bed to sleep in.
Rolly and him get along so I have no fears of
nastiness.
Having a ciggy on the veranda, the Night-Watchman
comes by on his round through the place and we are
sharing a few words and my cigarettes.
He calls the boys out and has some hard words with
Rolly... I am a little uneasy now. But he tells me that
all is well, just to not give Rolly so much money.
And that it is nice to see his nephew Donny staying
with me.
I am holding my breath... but he just gets up, wishes me
a good night and walks into the night.
This is all becoming more and more unreal.
But as I am sliding under the sheets and find a naked
smiling boy crawl into my arms, I am willing to forget
that the world exists outside of this room.
Donny turns out to be a very sexy boy, who wakes me up
in the middle of the night... just to have another round
of sex... in which he, with a promise from me not to
tell the other boys and a check to see if Rolly is
really asleep on the other side of me,... slides between
my legs and puts me in his mouth.
He is, what I imagine to be, good at this... does he
often play this game... and has me moaning out my
pleasure in minutes.
While he is cleaning his mouth in the bathroom, I
suddenly have a giggle-fit, as I remember holding not
his hair or his head, but his prominent ears as he is
making me swoon.
With my arms around him, his bum pushed into my groin,
we fall asleep.
				*

Coco Grove ^Ö 3

Somehow the nights don't seem long enough here.
The bed is crowded.
I am the only one that is bothered by this it seems.
If I move, the little bodies on both sides of me shift
with me.
I marvel at how these boys just sleep on through
turning and moving.
How they are always touching me with parts of their
bodies. Huddle against me it seems.
Is it that all their lives they have shared beds with
others.?
I roll over on purpose... sure enough one shifts forward
the other follows behind me. I can touch them
everywhere. They do not wake up.
Stretch sometimes. Move sometimes.
Legs open and close, but even when I stroke their
sometimes hard cocks softly, they just smack their
lips in some dream and roll on their tummies or push
closer.
I am shivering from all the erotic tension in myself.
Can not really comprehend what is going on here. This
is so far removed from reality that all I can do is
NOT try to think it through.
This is a situation I will just have to walk through
and make the best of.
NOT think...DON'T think.!
Whatever happens, don't try to figure out what is
happening here.
I smell Rolly's hair and kiss his cheek, before
getting out from the middle of them.
They immediately find each other and look like a
tangle of brown-skinned, black-haired puppies in white
sheets.
It is early still and no reason to wake them.
But time for me to write some words into my diary and
relief myself also of the penned up words in my head.
Not that things get clearer this way... but the routine
somehow fills a space in my head.
The sweeper appears and works the paths, clearing away
the leaves and things that have dropped overnight.
There are noises from the road, and voices in the
distance.
I imagine at the dining room will be some staff
setting up breakfast.
Seems all so real, so normal... so quiet and in order...
so, I find no words, but also... fake.!
But maybe not.
Maybe I am the fake.?

There are noises from the room.
Someone does not like to be woken up so quickly.
But then there is watering noises and giggles.
Time for breakfast and seeing the chap off who we went
to dinner with last night. I have learned that the
town in which one catches the bus to Manila has the
best shopping markets for the things one can never
have enough of... Speedo's and T-shirts in boy sizes.!
So Rolly is making sure that he is not left behind.

Because it is early the boys are allowed to sit at the
breakfast table with us.
I almost chuckle when I see another bunch of men,
several with a boy or two, sitting having breakfast.
Rolly and Donny are inhaling eggs and toast and bacon
in minutes.
Then leave, with Rolly promising to be at the gate in
an hour.
			*
By the time we get back, it is afternoon.
I have bags of boy clothes in my hands as I head back
to my room.
Leaving Rolly outside the hotel on the road... going to
`mothers `, with a bag of clothes, enough for several
brothers as well.
I have stocked up on things, but have bought a couple
of Speedo's especially for Jimmy, who is still in my
mind.
I will go to swim in the pool again later, in hopes of
Jimmy being around.
It is past 4pm and there are boys lingering around one
of the other rooms across from me.
Small boys and a couple of teens.
5 or 6 of them... it is making me curious.
Mystery solves itself by arrival of an old man, who is
greeted with affection and who lets the boys into the
room.
I am perplexed... will have to ask Rolly about this.
But at the moment I am distracted by a boy who is
holding on to the post that holds up the roof on my
veranda and is watching me, watching him.
I try to write again, but he is just hanging around.
It is making me nervous.
But also horny.
How can one be both.?
Well it seems possible.
I am battling with myself about asking him to come in.
All I want is sex with him... I am a slut.!
But he is cute and...
Oh what the hell... I said I wasn't going to think.
I wave him in and he comes and stands in front of me.
I hold up the appropriate amount of Pesos... his eyes go
wide and he smiles.
I get up, walk into the room,... I know he is following
me... close and latch the door.
He is sitting on the bed and has found my Walkman.
It takes less than 2 minutes to be naked with him and
less than 30 minutes before he waves goodbye from the
door.
Still smiling.
I am not.
Because I do not understand.
Don't understand myself.
It makes no sense at all... or does it.?
What happened just now.?

I did not speak a single word with this boy.
But I had sex with him.
And he with me.
And now he is gone.
Did it actually happen.?

I go and swim in the rock pool. Clown around with a
couple of boys there.
Ones that I have seen around. Bigger boys.
Suddenly there is a squeal and one of the bigger boys
drops a screaming Jimmy into the water from the
bridge.
He is wearing his usual red Speedo, but is not happy
at all.
I give him a hand as he climbs up the rocks to sit
beside me.
Angry words with the big boys.
Am I providing some safety.?
In the end they leave and here I am, companionably
close, with Jimmy, whose body in that tiny red bathing
suit is giving me a hard-on.
Alone now, he smiles at me... than slaps my arm and
dives into the water.
Hmmm... I guess someone wants to play now.!
I chase him around the pool for some time.
He teases me... is much more agile and sure-footed than
me.
Probably knows every stone in this pool.
And also knows that he is ratcheting up the tension
between us.
Stands on the bridge and deliberately strokes the tiny
bulge in his Speedo's.
Smiling down at me.
Then races me to the end of the pool, just to slip out
of my grasp at the last minute.
Winks at me and points unabashed at my obvious
erection in my trunks.
Smirks and wiggles his bum.
Tease.!
I do what is needed now and fake exhaustion.
So I sit and wait... patience not being one of the
favours the gods bestowed on little boys.
Soon enough he slides down beside me... where I can grab
him and hold him to me.
Squirming, squealing, but now firmly in my hands, I
hold on to him and find a couple of ticklish places.
But I know that he is still a bit scared, so I let him
go after a few minutes. He jumps aside, but when
nothing more happens, comes back and plants his bum in
my lap. Giggles, as he knows that it hurts my dick
that now pokes him in the rear.
I lift him up to adjust myself, but then enjoy the
sudden closeness to him.
Fold my arms around him and hope that time slows down
a bit.
Want to just carry him back to my room... take that red
nylon bit off him and make love to him.
Make love to him... not likely, buddy.
Have sex... maybe.

Rolly is strolling across the bridge and is somewhat
astonished to see us sitting together.
I ask him to tell Jimmy that I have some things for
him in the room.
Jimmy seems surprised by this, but of course wants to
see them NOW.
Of all the new clothes, Rolly is only wearing his new
sneakers.
His explanation falls a little short of convincing me
that he speaks the truth.
He is a smooth little operator, this one.
Part of what I like about him... but I hope he does not
trick me too much.
I unpack the goodies for Jimmy... he likes the new
Speedo's very much.
Lime-green neon.
Off come the red ones... I can feel my heartbeat speed
up... he looks very much the little boy he is.
But very delicious.!
Hmmm... I ask Rolly who is once again listening and
singing along with the Michael Jackson tape in the
Walkman,... to ask Jimmy if he wants to eat with us and
stay the night.
Rolly and Jimmy have a somewhat longer conversation
than I expected.
Which ends with Rolly telling me that the little one
is worried that I `want to put it up his bum'.!
I tell Rolly that I will not do that if Jimmy does not
want to.
After all, I wasn't doing that to him...or anybody else
for that matter.
Although I have a hard time stopping the film that
runs in my mind with Jimmy and me.
I want him.
Want him in my bed tonight.
Am prepared to promise almost anything to be able to
play with him.
Am feeling ashamed inside for wanting him like this.
But am aroused and almost panting at the thought.
Can't get that small penis hanging between his legs
out of my thoughts.
Sex... in capital letters...SEX.
I feel like my tongue is hanging out of my mouth, like
my eyes are cruising across Jimmy's body in close-up.
Rolly playfully grabs my cock through my trunks on the
way to the bathroom, which somehow breaks the spell.
We are getting dressed to have dinner at that
restaurant again... well it is the only one I know that
I am sure I can take the boys to.
It is a pleasure to feed the puppies.
Actually they might be cubs, the way they wolf down
the chow.
Our welcome was friendly and there is something
magiqual about sitting with 2 boys in a tuck-tuck
speeding towards home, through the thick air of a
tropical night.
			*
The boys are in the room, playing with those little
hand help video games we purchased today in the
market.
I am having a ciggy on the veranda with my friendly
Night-Watchman.
And tonight I am sharing another bit of Mekong with
him as well.
I am holding myself back from closing down the
evening.
Going into the room... going to bed.
Now that it is all a matter of just getting what I
want, I do what I always do... talk myself out of it.!
Or in this case... just talk.
Talk and talk... smoke...smoke another.
Until Rolly comes and gets me.
Until I am being taken by the hand, by a 12 year old
boy and dragged into the room.
Where a smiling Jimmy...naked under the sheets I am
sure... is looking at me with my RayBan's on and nodding
his head to the tunes in his ears from the Walkman.
I can't help but laugh and get my camera, to snap a
picture of him... at which he jumps up... yes, he is
gloriously naked, gasp... and poses with the Walkman in
front of his genitals.!
Of course Rolly needs to have his picture taken as
well.
All silly boys and lots of laughs.
While brushing my teeth in the bathroom I am talking
myself into remembering that Jimmy is all of 10 years
old... and so I must be gentle and not so damn horny.!

Well... when Jimmy is finally finished rabbit-humping my
mouth for 3 obvious orgasms and climbs off me... while
Rolly has pulled me off and is smearing my cum all
over my stomach and then jerking himself off with his
slimy hand,... I am the one that is dizzy and has to
close his eyes to believe this is not just a
fewer-dream hallucination.
Another shower for Rolly and myself, that has me
kissing him hard and him getting hard again from it.
Which leads to me pulling on his hard cock until he
moans and his legs buckle.
He lets me dry him and is almost asleep as I carry him
to bed.
Where a little boy is already sleeping, curled up and
sucking his thumb.

Why can't I stop myself from crying when I am under
the covers and the boys are sleeping, pushed into each
other.?
			*

Coco Grove ^Ö 4

Not sure, if I want morning to come today.
Jimmy has found my chest a likely pillow for his head
and I want to stay right here, being drooled on by
him.
Somehow I am getting a little more used to having
other bodies in bed with me.
My arm is stretched under Rolly's belly with my hand
comfortably cradling his genitals.
I am living in a bordello.
No other way to describe this place.
A resort hotel that specializes in young boys.
Or do they specialize in this hotel.?

I have seen nothing of the town or such.
Have crossed that dirty brown river at night going and
coming from dinner, but the rest of my day is centered
around the hotel room.
Like today.
I watch my compadres eat breakfast... mostly alone, like
me.
Then carry food back to their room,... like me.
We manage a tentative smile at times when shuffling
past each other on the paths of `Coco Grove'.
Somehow we never really meet.
Keep our heads lowered as if watching for some stone
we may trip over if not careful.
No blame... I am another inmate in this asylum.
We make our rounds, but have learned to not confront
ourselves by looking into each others eyes...?

Jimmy and Rolly are stuffing themselves in my room,
before heading out to wherever they go through the
day.
I want Jimmy to stay... yes, I am looking at him with
lust crowding my mind again, but he will not. I guess
the prospect of me alone with him is too scary for
him.

It turns out that after catching another couple of
hours of sleep, I have no shortage of distraction.
The troop of boys waiting for the old man across the
way is being sent away by the sweeper of paths. They
are too early.
Not quite lunch time yet.
As they saunter off towards the back gate, two of them
approach my veranda and smile themselves into my room,
out of their clothes and into waving good-bye a scant
hours later, Pesos burning a hole into the pockets of
their short shorts.
Nameless, faceless and mindless on my part.
The sex is addictive.
The release of all those dreams from my mind is
leaving me feeling empty.
I am exploring boys bodies with my mouth.
I am loosing my innocence more and more.
I want more.
Don't want to wake up, want just one more erotic dream
please.!

It walks by my veranda just past 4pm.
Rolly has not shown up, as usual he is late and even
after I asked him to come right at 4pm, so we can have
a romp before dinner.
But another boy walks past.
Never saw him before.
Will never see him again.
At first he is telling me someone is waiting for him...
but my promise of extra Pesos makes him think it over.
My pulling a small roll of money out of my pocket
makes him mine... for an hour.
Where I am not taking no for an answer, when asking
him to suck me,... just put more Pesos on the bedside
table.
He is squirming under me... but another 2 dollars worth
of Pesos has him wrap his lips around my cock.!
Walks away with Pesos bulging his pocket, not his
cock.
Ha,... Land of Peso.!
				*
Sated for the moment, but still waiting for Rolly to
show it is dark now and I am getting pissed off at the
boy.
Am contemplating going to dinner without him... as I
pour myself another shot of Mekong, sitting on the
veranda.
Cicadas are starting their nightly concert and if I
strain my ears, I can hear the river gurgling past the
floating dock down by the `Boathouse'.

And then down the path comes Rolly... actually he is
being held by his hand.
By a tall man.
Western man.
Who stops in front of my veranda, and introduces
himself as Trevor.
British, upper-class, public school boy accent.
Explains that it seems we both have an appointment
with the same boy tonight.
Rolly is sinking into himself.
We actually are joking about it now, although I admit
to being pissed off at the boy... as he has made me
believe he was `saving' himself for me only.
Hmmm.... Maybe that explains his lateness and absences.
Yes... he has been with Trevor for the rest of the
time.!
I share a shot of Mekong with Trevor in bathroom
glasses.
I like his bluntness and his humour, not to speak of
this accent.
We hit it off and decide to go for dinner together...
and yes, we will allow Rolly to come along.
Trevor goes off to get something from his room and I
make my way to the front of the hotel to where the
tuck-tuck's are waiting for customers.
Trevor arrives,... with a boy in tow, who looks to be
about 5 years old.
I gulp.
Almost shake my head to make the pictures go away.
But my mind has that little tyke naked in a
millisecond.
Jun-Jun is actually 8 years old... a Rizal Park boy from
Manila.
Trevor had asked permission from his mother to take
Jun-Jun away with him.
My mind boils at all the scenarios it is casting
about.
Boys in our laps we set off to the restaurant.

It had been an enjoyable time, even with Jun-Jun a bit
whiny.
Trevor and I are becoming fast friends.
Find some common ground... so I invite him back to the
room for a night-cap.
But when we get to the back of Coco Grove, where my
room is... there are lights on in my room... men standing
around.!
I have a bad feeling about this... in my mind there are
handcuffs clicking around my wrists.
I shiver in fear.
The front desk clerk, the night watchman and someone
who has a badge... obviously a policeman.
Rolly runs ahead... I am compelled to follow.
The night watchman steps up and tells me not to worry,
they will find whoever did this and my stuff.!
Ahmm... what.?
I find it hard to comprehend.
The front desk guy is apologetic and tells me that
sometimes, bad boys are coming here as well.
The policeman wants me to go through my stuff and make
a list of what is missing.
Everybody is sorry to see that my room has been broken
into.
I need a drink.
The Mekong bottle is still there and Rolly is
dispatched to get some glasses.
We are sitting in the veranda, Jun-Jun standing close
to Trevor, but getting petted by the policeman.
Rolly has re-appeared with the glasses and everybody
has some.
It is crazy... simply crazy.
I have another shot... than go to look at the damage.
Well it turns out that only a few things of more
sentimental value are gone in addition to the Walkman
and my RayBan's.
All papers and money was in the pouch on my belt and
my good camera locked up at the front desk.
I am pissed off, but know that I can only blame myself
really.
List made, and with assurances of some action, the
policeman is leaving, telling me as he walks away that
I must best keep to the boys that are in the hotel.
The night watchman assures me that he has a good idea
who is behind this and that I should not worry, he
will try to get back what was stolen.
The front desk guy arrives with a key to another room
and apologetic smile.
Rolly is transferring my gear, Trevor and I the bottle
of Mekong and glasses.
I am now burned out.
Beg off for the night from Trevor and after a quick
rinse slide under the covers, Without as much as
looking at Rolly, who has slipped next to me, I fall
asleep.
					*
It is dark when I wake and the luminous dial on my
watch tells me it is only 2am.
I don't feel so hot.
Or rather, I feel very hot.
It is not the sleeping boy that is curled around my
leg and thigh.
It is inside of me.
I disentangle myself from Rolly and go pee.
Wobbly, but don't feel drunk.
I fall asleep again.
Wake up at 4am and find I am shivering from being
cold.
Crawl closer to Rolly, wrapping myself around him,
without him even waking up.
I feel cold and wet and hot... and sick.
...and wrong.!

Coco Grove - 5


I am being shaken awake by a small hand... Rolly is
sitting beside me, dressed... it is sunshine outside.
I am sore in my body, feel weak.
End up giving him some money and instructions to get
me some breakfast.
Don't feel like eating, when he returns.
But manage to make it to the toilet before emptying
the content of my stomach the wrong way.
Back to bed, some Aspirin for the pain in my head.
Reality becomes a concept with fuzzy edges.
				*
In my dream I am running through the fields of wheat
that borders the village where I grew up.
Summer sun, hot and the wheat is whipping my bare legs
as I running.
I know I have to run, know that all the joy in the
world is here, now... in me as I  scream into the blue
sky above me.
Zig-zagging like a rabbit, illicit pleasure of making
a secret place for my friends and me in the middle of
the field.
Where we huddle close and compare our small penises
before rubbing them to that bucking tingling addictive
sensation that leaves us on our back feeling like we
just climbed to the clouds and back.

I am drifting in and out of sleep, Rolly is getting
nervous and so gets Trevor, who administers more
Aspirin but than leaves me to rest, promising to
return later.
Quietness full of sounds that seem amplified or
muffled at times.
The room cleaner sent away.
The curtains drawn.

I am feeling helpless.
Weak and weepy.

Drift off into a fitful sleep again... more dream...
... I am a small boy again. Running out of the big
wooden door of my old village-school.
End of the school-day. Freedom to play. Running... after
some other boys.
Somehow I know that I am growing as I belt across the
playground to the soccer field behind.
My legs seem longer... I am catching up to the other
boys.
But it is like I need to catch one of them... chase one
in particular.
Panting... sweating.
I am full of fear and anger now.
And as we get to the soccer field, it is just him and
me.
I will get him now.!
Reach out with my growing arm... I am a lanky adolescent
now...
and grab on to his shirt.
It rips off him, but he trips and tumbles to the
ground, hard.
I throw myself on top of him.
Roll him on to his back... and am looking at myself.!
This boy is ME.
Looking back at me.
Looking at my hand that somehow appears and is holding
a knife.
Hunting knife.
I scream... anger, fear.
But my hand comes down and as I try to stop it, the
boy, myself pulls it down to his stomach... where it
cuts his skin, before I wrest his hands away and
manage to toss the knife beside us.
I am crying... wailing. Looking at the blood from the
cut on the boy's ...my... stomach.
But feel the boy's hands on my face, pulling it
towards his body... looking intently into my eyes.
And I kiss the bloody skin...

....jerking awake, breathing heavy, disorientated for a
moment, then remembering myself being in the hotel.
And find blood on my lip, which I must have bitten in
my sleep.
It must be afternoon.
There is a brooding silence, a boiling, stifling heat
in the room.
I am sorry.
But am not sure for what.
Have tears in my eyes and don't know whether they are
from my dreams or from the reality.
Want someone to be here with me... am afraid to loose
myself.
Afraid to loose myself to the boy with the knife in
his hand.

Afraid to be the boy with the knife in his hand... want
to ask Rolly and Jimmy and Jun-Jun and all the boys
who do not have names or faces to forgive me for not
loving them.
Want to love them all... want to... want...
...and fall asleep again.

The river is in my dream.
Is around me.
Is dragging me along.
As I struggle to swim, to keep breathing, while being
dragged around and tossed towards rocks and
tree-trunks.
The noise... the noise in my head.
Parrots shrieking and cicadas droning.
I manage to pull myself up on a rock.
Breathing hard, exhausted... sinking back on the hot
stone.
Safe.
For now.
Noises of something rushing through the bush.
I know I am afraid, but am not able to move. Too
tired, and somehow glued to this rock.
But I can lift my head and there at the edge of the
river is a whole tribe of brown skinned boys.
They are naked, only wearing war-paint but carrying
bows, already fitted with arrows. I can not move... but
struggle... am afraid.
Keep looking at the little warriors and see no smiles
in their faces... wait...faces, these are faces I
know...yes, Rolly, Jimmy, Donny... others that are
fleeting impressions only.
I sigh in relief.
Call to them... call for them... just to see them cock
their bows and know that their arrows will find me.
I want to wake up from this dream... but I can not move.
Can't get up from this rock.
Am making a perfect target.
And feel the pain as the first arrow buries itself
into my gut.
Then another... and another.
I know I am howling...

... as I jerk awake, clutching my stomach and barely
make it to the toilet.
Thank the gods I was naked already.
The cramps are violent.
I find myself whimpering.
Curled into myself.
Not able to move from the toilet for fear of my
intestines exploding.
It happens again.

I feel incredibly weak.
Sweaty, dirty and alone.
Wish for someone to be here.
Sit on the floor in the shower and am trying to clean
my soul as well as my body.
But that does not work.
My body is clean, but my soul is marred.
Carries with it the memories of all that has passed
before.

Empty, that is mostly what I feel like. Also empty of
all that superior intention that has ruled me for the
last few days.
Sleep.
I wake from soft noises in the room.
Trevor is there, Rolly is on the bed beside me,
smiling as I am looking at him.
Jimmy and Jun-Jun are playing with the video-games
sitting on the floor.

My mouth is parched.
I am not quite able to speak... but don't want to
either.
But there is water and sandwiches.
I drink and the boys clean off the sandwiches.
Trevor has decided to go back to Manila the next day
and is making the assumption that I might want to
leave as well.
I am not protesting.
Am silently glad someone is making this decision for
me.
Feel that if I was to stay, my mind will be warped
forever.
So with promises to get me in the morning, Trevor and
Jun-Jun head out.
Jimmy follows and I am not holding him back.
Rolly smiles at me and drops his clothes on the way to
the shower.

There is not much to pack, all is still in my bag from
being transferred to this room and I do not have the
energy to worry about it.
Will have to be sorted in the morning... right now, I am
watching a small brown-skinned boy walk through the
darkened room and slip into bed beside me.
I can not explain my tears to him.
Hold on to him, as he slides across to lay on me.
Am grateful for the kisses that he plants on my cheeks
and eyes... until he reaches my mouth.
I want to resist, but his tongue finds a way to mine.
As much as I want to turn away, I want this as well.
Want to feel his soft skin under my fingertips, want
to feel his hard small penis pushing into my thigh.
Want to hear the little pleasure sounds he makes as
stroke his back, his bum and the inside of his legs
that are pressed around my hips.
I can feel his heartbeat.
Know his eyes are closed, giving himself to the
sensations in his body.
Know that the little tremors under his skin are
telling him of the pleasure my mouth is giving him, as
I suck his hardness, having rolled him on his back.
His hands are holding my head and his hips buck up and
push all of him into me.
His release is kicking his legs out from under his
bum, and I get to hold him as he flies with a soft
long moan around the moon and back.
Kiss the sweat from his chest and his throat.
And keep him locked in my embrace until he is asleep.
				*

Coco Grove ^Ö 6

I have not slept much, feeling small and far away from
the world.
Held the boy that shared my bed in my arms for most of
the night.
Rolly seems not to notice, when I slip out of bed in
the early light to get ready for leaving.
While sitting on the veranda, the night watchman stops
by, delivering some of my stolen belongings with a
proud smile.
I am truly surprised and hand off the half bottle of
Mekong left over, to him.
I now have my Walkman back, my RayBan's and even the
little flashlight.

Time to pack, to get ready for the drive back to
Manila.
I will have the pleasure of sitting in an air-con taxi
all the way back to the city and am grateful for it,
as I am still feeling sore and out of sorts.
Know that my body is going to be ok... but am less sure
about my head.
Am withdrawn and a bit sullen, as I pack my gear and
get ready to leave.
Rolly has woken up and is sitting on the bed, playing
video games.

Good-bye it is, money and video game in his pocket,
Rolly's embrace is strong and leaves me almost
weeping.
A few kisses and then he skips out the door.
Down the path to the back gate.
I watch him walk away and know that I wish him well,
sincerely.

As the taxi passes over the river, I can see the rocks
in the distance.
See the swirling of the dirty brown water around them
and can not help but shudder.
I know that I will not come back here again.
Sink into the back seat, feeling the coolness of the
air-conditioning drying the sweat on my forehead and
stroke Jun-Jun's hair, who has already stretched out
next to me with his head in my lap.
Just a few hours now, back to the city.
Away from this place that will always hold a part of
my soul.
Because I know I left some pieces of myself there.
My obolus to my gods for another transformation.
I will have to learn to live with myself again.
Tomorrow.


TAK