Date: Sun, 7 Jan 2001 14:33:19 EST
From: DMPresents01@aol.com
Subject: Growing Up Sexual - XLII

Growing Up Sexual

Please read these introductory remarks before going on to the chapter that
follows.

On 23rd Dec 2000, one of the sweetest, gentlest, and strongest voices ever
to grace Nifty passed away in his native Scotland.  David James Richards
was 41 years old.

I only had the chance to "talk" with him a few times (via the web) and then
only near the end.  Though constantly in pain and partially drugged, he was
still full of life and love - for his life partner and for the land that
was so much a part of him.  And with life itself.  I only wish that I'd
been as blessed as his life partner by knowing Jamie - at least in so far
as knowing this remarkable man longer and more deeply.

A Jewish theological precept has us living on in the memories of those who
survive us.  I would like to think that the 100's of 1000's who read Nifty
will remember Jamie as I will.  I'm asking you to turn to Nifty's gay high
school folder and read "The Laird's Son".  It's unfinished but you'll be
left feeling Jamie's undying love for the glens and highlands of Scotland
and his spectacular ability to draw characters.  Remember this good man
well.

In his memory then, I offer you chapter 42.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Chapter 42


After we'd taken Richard home, I went to my room.  I'd told mom that I was
going to study.  And I really did mean to.  I just started to think,
instead.

Did I really love Richard Lee?  That was the question that took over my
thinking.  It and all of its variations kept me staring off into space the
rest of the evening.

I'd said those words to him.  But did I really mean them?

We went back to just after we'd exchanged our diapers for training pants -
him, Billy, and me.  We'd been friends all those years - friends, but not
lovers.  Our friendship had changed that summer that I was getting ready to
turn 12, when Richard nailed me in their pool that first time.

After that, every time we got together there was sex - and I was their
pincushion.  At least I was until Billy decided to try the penultimate in
boy/boy sex and found out he liked it just as much as I did.  After that,
Billy and I were each other's fucktoys, and we were both Richard's.  It had
been a workable arrangement for all three of us until we went off to camp
the next year.

As I thought back on that year and more, I had to admit that, though I
enjoyed what Billy and I did together, I had always really wanted Richard.

Yeah, he had the best body and face of any kid in Soul - and he still did.
But I slowly grew sure that it wasn't just his face, his dick, or his body
that had turned me on and kept me turned on over the years.  I had a
hard-on just thinking about him as I sat there with my unopened books in
front of me.

To Richard that year, I was sure that sex was just one of the forms of play
that he enjoyed with his best friends - his fraternal twin and me.  The
three of us had been super chummy, like kids that age usually are.  I
figured that was mostly true of me and my thinking then too.

But, looking back at it, there had been that something else.  I hadn't seen
it or thought too much about it at the time; but I'd wanted Richard, to be
with him - and not just having sex with him.

It was after we went to church camp and met the boys from Atlanta and Macon
that things started to change between us.  That change had gone into orbit
after we were in that movie and Richard took both Billy and me, as well as
the boys from camp.

Richard had skated too close to the edge of being queer.  He'd fallen in
and knew he was right there with his brother and me.  Only, he hadn't had
the time to get used to it, like we had.  And he'd started doing everything
he could do to deny it.  To himself and to everybody else.

Our relationship changed after that.  Sex was mostly out between the three
of us, and it took Billy wheedling his brother to get a fuck out of him.
But we'd stayed friends, even if we rarely got together to do anything.
And I'd wanted him, even as I looked for his replacement with Broughton,
Joe, and Ronnie.

I finally realized that they'd been just sex and a substitute for what I
had wanted all along.  Just like I'd known from the first the Weeks boys
had been.  Now, I had him.  I hoped.

"It's 11 ... You'd better get to bed, Vic," mom told me from the doorway.

I looked down at the books I hadn't opened all night.  "Yeah-"

"Are you all right?"

"Sure," I answered and turned to face her, giving her my best grin.

"Want to talk about it?" she asked, stepping further into my room.  She sat
at the foot of my bed and waited.

Still sitting in my chair at my desk, I studied her for several moments,
trying to decide if I should try to bluff my way out of the discussion she
obviously wanted.  I finally gave up; I wanted answers more than I wanted
to assert my independence at that moment.  Besides, mom knew about me.  It
was a good bet she had figured Richard out too.

"How do you know when you're in love, Mom?" I asked, embarrassed to look at
her.

I could have heard a pin drop in the silence that followed.  I hadn't quite
got up the nerve to look up at her when her hand took my arm, her fingers
entwining around it.  "So, my little boy's grown up and I'm just now
finding out about it," she said softly.

I looked at her then.  Her eyes glistened but that could have been the
light reflecting off them.  "Yeah, I guess," I answered.  "But it sure is
hard, this growing up business."

"It's Richard, isn't it, Vic?  That you're in love with?"

I nodded, pulling my gaze away from hers.

"You didn't ask me about it the last time I heard about this; you told me-"

I turned back to her.  "Wh-?"

She put out a finger and touched my lips with it.  "Sshh, boy, it's all
right."  A smile tugged at her lips.  "When you were 5, you told me that
you loved Richard Lee and that you were going to marry him some day."

I stared at her, my heart dropping fast to somewhere near my toes.  I
didn't ... I couldn't ... No way!  I was just a little kid then.

"I'll admit that it came as something of a shock but - well - I told you
that, if you wanted any friends left, you were going to have to keep the
way you felt about Richard a secret.  At least, until you were old enough
to do something about it."  She laughed then.  "Shut your mouth, Vic Howell
- unless you plan on catching flies tonight."

I clamped my jaws shut.  "You've known all this time that I was queer?" I
asked through closed teeth.  "I didn't even know-"

"I prefer the term 'homosexual', baby.  Come here and give this old woman a
hug like she hasn't had in a while." The smile stayed on her face and she
pulled me towards her.  I rose out of my chair and sat down beside her,
burying my face against her shoulder and neck.  I found out that it felt
good to be a little kid again.

"Do you and Richard like the same things, Vic?"

"Mom!" I groaned, almost pulling away from the embrace but not quite - it
felt good.

"I mean sexually."

"I don't know," I mumbled, my lips moving against the skin of her neck.
"It's been a while-"

I stopped right there, realizing what I'd just admitted.

"It's all right, baby.  I figured you two boys were exploring - along with
Billy.  What happened?  Did Richard decide that he wanted to be a lady's
man after that mess with the movie?"

I nodded against her chest.

"So, you went exploring with other boys who were interested.  Joe and
Ronnie, and I guess Broughton.  The Weeks twins too."

"Yeah," I mumbled softly, so quiet that I could barely hear myself say the
word.

"But, now, Richard's been forced to face up to himself by the Stokes boys?"
I nodded.  "So is it just you seeing a new chance for something to happen
or has Richard said something?"

"He said he loved me when we came up to my room this afternoon," I told
her.  "And I told him that I loved him too."

"He's a good looking boy, Vic, but is there more to your feelings than just
his looks - and, maybe, how good he is in bed?"

I did pull away then.  I sat back on my own butt and studied her.  My first
impulse was to tell her that she didn't know what she was talking about.
But I instantly realized that her question was a good one.  I frowned but
never broke eye-contact.

"Mom, I like to be with him.  We don't have to have sex for me to want him
beside me.  He can be dressed up for an Alaska winter and I wouldn't care.
I just want to be with him."

She smiled and this time I saw a tear leak out onto her cheek before she
wiped it away.  "You have grown up, Vic.  Sex can be good, but it's so much
better when it's with someone you love."

"Yeah."  I felt my face burning and looked down at my hands.

"Just let whatever happens happen, Vic.  You'll get past this thing with
the Stokes - both of you will.  You've got 3 more years of high school left
before you can do much more than just be friends in public.  This is your
home, so you can invite Richard over any time you want to-"

"That's great, Mom!"

"Not so fast, big man," she growled and grabbed both of my arms.
"Homosexuality is against the law in GA, it's considered a sin in every
religion practiced in this state, AND a majority of the medical profession
considers it a mental illness.  You have to be careful.  Vic Howell, if you
love Richard - if you love yourself - you're going to have to be JUST
friends in public."  She stood up, her gaze never leaving me.  "That means
any place that is not your own room here in the safety of your own home.
And, here, you keep the door locked if you're doing something."  She took a
deep breath.  "Can you keep things as lowkey as you have been doing with
your other sex partners?"  I nodded with a lump in my throat, accepting the
truth of what she was saying.  "Talk with Clyde Lee whenever you have
questions about your sexual orientation and how to keep it a secret."

* * *

Henry Weeks turned to look over the backseat at the entrance of the church.
"They've been in there for nearly 2 hours," he groaned.

"Holyrollers don't watch the clock like normal people," Jimmy answered.

"How in the shit did Ronnie Varnadore ever get caught up with bible
pounders any way?" Henry wondered.  "He's pretty smart-"

"You don't have to be a dummy to fall for a line of bullshit."  Jimmy
frowned as a thought crossed his mind.  "Remember last year in world
history?"

"History?" Henry grumbled.  History had been his worst subject last year.
If it hadn't been for Jimmy cramming with him, he'd never have got the B in
the course.

"Yeah.  The Germans were the best educated people in the world, better than
us even - and they still voted Hitler in."

"Holyrollers aren't Nazis, Jimmy."

"They're off-the-wall crazy and they've got their minds closed tighter than
a steel drum - that's pretty close.  Can you imagine one of those in the
White House or even the Congress?"

"It'll never happen ... Look, they're finally letting out of there."  Henry
grinned.  "Think they saved any more souls for Jesus?"

"Naw.  They probably just reinforced their own thinking so they could make
it to Sunday and their next dose of craziness.  You've got to keep your
mind closed if you want to stay dumb."

"Do you think Ronnie'll go for it?" Henry asked.

"He's hellbent on saving queers from their abomination.  He'd lower the
boom on most of the guys we know in this town if he wasn't afraid that we'd
give it back to him in spades.  He'll go for it."

"Shouldn't we talk it over with Clyde first, though?  What you're thinking
is pretty drastic-"

"Bull!  You know how Clyde handles these little problems, Henry."  Jimmy
snorted.  "Only, who do we know who's going to be willing to stick his dick
in Clem Stokes - even if he could get it hard looking at that tub of lard?"

"Still-"

"Come on, Henry.  You were all with me on this thing back at the house."

"That was before we had to sit 2 hours hearing some guy screaming about
hellfire and a bunch of people yelling amen right back at him."

"You getting religion on me?"

"Shit!  I'm a Christian - just like you are, Jimmy.  But that doesn't mean
that I lost my brains somewhere down the line."

"Okay, so why the cold feet all of a sudden?"

Henry frowned as he watched the front of the church through the rear
window.  "Ronnie's not been himself for the past week - ever since he got
religion.  He's like somebody I've never known-"

"So?"

"He's become real headstrong, Jimmy.  Like he'd do whatever he decided to
do no matter what - unless you threaten him.  Like we did this afternoon.
As long as he thinks the marching orders came from God."

"So, we'll just use this religion thing to keep him under control - just
like this preacher here does with all these people."

"You realize there are a lot of things that could go wrong with this?
Maybe that's why Clyde's never gone for outting anybody before."

"Nothing's going to go wrong, Henry.  There's Ronnie now.  Let's wait for
him beside his car."