Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999 10:08:47 +0900
From: Andrej Koymasky <andrejkoymasky@geocities.com>
Subject: Foot 03

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HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES
by Andrej Koymasky
Written on June 10, 1955
translated by the Author
English text kindly revised
by a friend

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USUAL DISCLAINER

"HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES" is a gay story, with some parts containing
graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion,
family, opinion and so on this is not good for you it will be better
not to read this story.
But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think
you really want to read it, please be my welcome guest.

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PART 3

9/18/1990, Thursday
Saint Sophia

Livio just left. I almost didn't touch him today -- I only put my hand
on his thigh without moving, and I was aware that he was slightly
embarrassed, so I didn't insist. However, I compared him to Orlando, and
Orlando was definitely more desirable. It is not that I wouldn't like to
embrace and kiss Livio, and to make love with him -- he has a nice body
and a beautiful smile, and he is likeable, but I prefer my Orlando by
far. And above all, Orlando is gay and likes making love with me. How
much I liked the sensual way that Orlando kissed me and desired me
inside him!

I will still have to see what will happen with Nuccio, who has to work
overtime at his factory, and therefore we can't meet until the end of
this month. Truthfully, I would also like to make love with Nuccio -- he
makes me think of a fruit that's ready to be picked, or a puppy that's
about to go out and explore the world. He has a sweet and honest smile
and a handsome and desirable body. Even if he says I am too old for him,
maybe I can still arouse him, make him surrender, make him desire making
love with me, make him desire giving himself to me...

I think he would be very sweet and that it could be more than enjoyable
to take him and make him mine. Even if he doesn't want to become my
lover, he could still enjoy being picked up by me... Who knows? But I
would never take advantage of him. I would never hurt him in any way.

I think that in reality Orlando doesn't consider me as his lover. When
we were talking about Paolo, Mik's lover, he said that Paolo was not a
guest (in the sense that he was a "family friend"), while I was his
guest... Who knows if he told Gianni about us when he slept with him
last night? He said he had to tell him, but he hasn't yet. Maybe he
doesn't want to make our relationship official?

Anyway, the kisses he gave me yesterday while the others couldn't see
(and it was him who wanted to kiss me -- deep, beautiful, really sensual
kisses) evidently proved that he likes me. I savored those kisses, and
he was also very pleased. And how he shuddered when I caressed his bare,
beautiful chest under his sweater! Yes, I like Orlando very very much,
and also for the complete dedication with which he made love with me.
And then, he is beautiful. That is, he is not really beautiful, he is
just nice, but to me he is very beautiful. When he kissed me, when we
made love, his eyes became so sweet and luminous and I lost myself in
them. When I caressed his body he became inflamed at once which aroused
me a great deal. I also like the fact that the first time (and the only
time for now) we made love, he asked me to do it again shortly after we
reached climax. And how he liked being taken by me -- at least as much
as I liked taking him. Therefore we could be a really well matched and
beautiful couple, I think. He has much of what I could desire in a lover
-- freshness, simplicity, gentleness, sweetness, passion, a great yen to
make love, attention, cheerfulness, warmth, dedication, a handsome body,
a special smile...

Ah, if only one day he could tell that he wants to be my lover! For the
moment I content myself with sharing him with that Willy... but I would
like to have him all for myself. Also even if he is not one hundred per
cent faithful, just the fact that he is mine would be enough for me.
Fidelity is not a pure physical thing. I would like to have him here and
now, to embrace, undress and kiss him and to make love with him for
hours... I truthfully would like to live with him, and... yes, I'm
definitely falling in love!

Certainly, if Orlando agrees to be my lover, I would be faithful to him,
I would no longer look for Nuccio or Livio or any one else. Even if they
throw themselves in my arms, I would not make love with them, as long as
I know that Orlando loves me.

Orlando literally threw himself in my arms, and it has been wonderful. I
think that perhaps he also doesn't know what to do now -- on the one
hand, maybe he feels he has to be faithful to Willy, but on the other
hand, he passionately desires me. I just have to give him some time to
figure things out, to make a decision, without putting any pressure on
him. I simply have to make him feel, rather than telling him, how much I
like him -- by giving him presents, calling him, making him feel
comfortable with me. And who knows, maybe one day he will choose me. For
the moment, I content myself with sharing him with his lover who lives
far away -- I have an advantage over Willy, in a sense. Well, let's wait
for next Saturday and take one step at a time, without any hurry. But I
would like to spend a whole night with him; to make love with him before
falling asleep and then again when we wake up; to peacefully enjoy his
sensual charge, his passion, his intense eroticism and his sweetness; to
admire him at my ease while he sleeps languidly in his beautiful
nakedness; and maybe even to take some pictures of him while he sleeps
in that way, with his sweet and satisfied expression, as I wanted to do
the last time but didn't dare to do...

9/20/1990, Saturday
Saint Andrew and Companions

About ten more hours and Orlando will be here. I am thrilled, excited,
and happy. Yesterday evening, at the gay bar, I met a really nice boy
and we talked for a long time, and yet I was just thinking about Orlando
and desiring to have him near me. It is not so common for me to become
aroused just thinking of someone, but when I think of Orlando it happens
almost every time. I will have to teach a class soon. I hope time will
pass quickly. Orlando is on his way to work right now. When I come back
home, I will go get some groceries for tonight's dinner and I'll clean
up my place. Then I'll wait for him and time will never pass. I will
have to give him "The Little Prince" sooner or later. I am sure he will
like it -- is he my fox and I his prince? Who knows? Will I be able
(will he allow me) to tame him, to make him mine, and not only
physically? I can only wait, and feel my love for him grow, and hope
love will be born in his heart also...

......................

Just now, Orlando called me asking me if I would feel like going to his
place instead of him coming here. He felt my hesitation and told me that
Mik would not be at home, so we could be alone at his place. He wants to
take a shower as soon as he gets home, so he preferred it's me going to
his place. We will meet at 5:20 at the ticket machines. Just three and
half more hours. They will seem so very long to me. I hope that Mik will
really not be at home and that Orlando and I can be in peace and make
love -- I really have a strong desire to hold him tight against me, to
caress him, to kiss his body all over, and to be kissed, caressed, and
held tight, then to unite with him, feeling his pleasure while he
welcomes me inside himself... Ah, it is too wonderful!

I have bought all I needed to fix a good meal, but I don't care so much.
I can use them some other time. I have to prepare a small present for
him, possibly the embroidered bookmark which I noticed him admiring when
he was here. But maybe it is too small a present, I don't know, but I
don't want to make him uncomfortable with an overly expensive gift
either. I would give him the moon!

I'll take him the two CDs that he would like, and I will return the one
he lent me. Certainly, if he is not alone, I would be disappointed. But
he said we would be alone and I don't see why he would lie to me. Maybe
at a certain time Mik will be back home, we probably will not have much
time. We would be more at ease here at my place, but unfortunately the
shower in my bathroom still doesn't work. Now I regret that I didn't
insist enough on getting it fixed. All right, I'll go and prepare a gift
for Orlando.

.....................

Orlando came half an hour late, but I was so happy to meet him! On the
bus, he dozed off. Then, as soon as we were in his apartment, I embraced
him. He kissed me, and squeezed himself against me... We closed the door
and made love in the dark. We were sweating because of the heat. He
begged me to take him with the usual passion, but in spite of the amount
of gel we used, I was hurting him, so I had to stop. We both came while
sucking each other in a gentle sixty-nine. Anyway, it had been
beautiful. Later, while we were caressing each other, still naked (he
didn't want me to get dressed and said he liked touching and looking at
my naked body very much), I asked him if he had told Gianni or Mik about
us. He said that he hadn't and he hadn't told his boyfriend either. Then
he repeated the same question, "What can I do?" I told him that the only
thing I wanted was for him to be happy, and I demanded nothing from him.
"Also, what we are doing is wrong," he murmured. So I told him that if
he thought what he did was wrong and would decide to stop making love
with me, I would understand and accept that, but only if he was happy.
"But I don't want to hurt you, Gian..." he said convincingly. "I don't
want to hurt you either. Therefore I let you free to decide what would
be the best for you." I told him.

Then Orlando told me how he found out that he is gay. It happened less
than a year ago. He was walking with a close friend who attempted
suicide because he was gay. The friend took Orlando to the gay beach
along the river, probably hoping that the place would help Orlando
discover his own sexual identity. But Orlando didn't understand his
friend's true intentions, although he did notice that oddly there were
only men on the beach. Then after they reached the "straight" beach and
parted, Orlando noticed that he had lost his house key. So he went back
to look for it, and saw two boys, who knew that friend of his, kissing
each other. Orlando was troubled. He felt a weird sensation, and he
suddenly understood his friend's intentions and felt ill at ease. After
he got home, he called his friend and gave some excuse so he would not
go to the beach the following day with his friend as they had agreed.
However, Orlando thought about it over and over. After a week, he called
his friend again because Orlando felt he had been unfair to his friend
by avoiding him. But the boy's parents told him that their son left home
a few days earlier and they had no idea where he could be. Orlando felt
guilty, so he went back to the gay beach and asked the two boys if they
knew where his friend was. They told him that they didn't know, but did
tell his friend that Orlando saw them kissing, so his friend must have
figured out why Orlando cancelled their date. Orlando felt even
guiltier. Orlando himself didn't know whether it was a kind of
"expiation" or whether it was to understand his friend better, or for
some other reason, but he decided he had to try having sex with a man.
So, he went to the gay beach again, undressed and waited. A man took him
home and fucked him -- he liked that very much! He never thought about
it before, but realized that he liked people of his own gender. He
didn't tell me clearly, but I think that this first man was precisely
his current boyfriend, Willy.

"I don't really know if I am gay, but I know I like making love with a
man very much," he said, caressing me allusively. And that was what I
admired and liked the most about him -- the purity of his heart. I told
him that "gay" is just a label and that no man can be labeled, and as
long as no one is harmed, he could have sex or be in love with whomever
he desired. Then I asked him if I could have a picture of him and he
gave me a picture of him with Gianni, where he was looking at the camera
with his sexy and mischievous smile that is to die for.

While we were talking, his boyfriend called him. After the telephone
call Orlando was upset. "It was him." he said, and came to take refuge
in my arms and he started to cry. I held him tight, and he held me
tight. "I'm crying like a girl," he said. "No, like a human being." I
answered. "I don't know what to do." "Do what you think is right. I told
you, all I want is for you to be happy. I demand nothing from you." "Why
don't you look for somebody better than me? There are so many boys
better than me!" "Certainly there are, but after I met you, I can't see
any one better than you. I like you so much, I can't help it, but other
boys don't appeal to me now."

He caressed me and gradually fell asleep, with his head on my lap. He
slept for two and half hours, until 10:40. When he woke up, he
apologized. I told him not to worry because I felt very good just being
with him. Then he said to me, "I'll see you to the bus stop." "Do you
want me to go now?" "Yes..." he said, starting to get dressed. "You
don't need to get dressed. I can go alone, and I know the way."
"Really?" "Sure."

I took my belongings and told him goodbye. He pulled me against him and
kissed me. I started to kiss and caress him again, filled with desire.
For a while, he seemed to enjoy it, but then he stopped me, "No, it's
not good. Please go, now." "All right, forgive me." I said, drawing
back. He pulled me against himself again and gave me a light kiss and
whispered, "Next time," then added, "thank you for today, it has been
really special. And thank you for your present. Take care, Gian."

I said goodbye again and I threw him a kiss from the doorway. He also
threw me a kiss and I went out. I would have liked for him to see me to
the bus stop, but I think he was too tired and troubled...

And now, what will happen? He doesn't know what to decide. It is evident
that I am a lot more than a simple adventure to him, but now he doesn't
know what to do. He has a sense of responsibility, or perhaps love. He
doesn't want to hurt Willy, or me... I think he is really confused. But
I am also a little confused myself. I want him, but I don't want him to
feel bad. I am ready to give him up, but I would feel very bad. I want
him to be happy, but I would also like to be happy...

Should I wait for his call or should I call him? I don't know. When we
parted, he clearly indicated that he wanted to see me and make love with
me again with his "next time". And naturally, I want it too. If I wasn't
in love with him, I wouldn't have kept watching him for two and half
hours. I was aching, but I did not want to wake him up. I think that if
he had at least confided himself with Gianni, he probably would have
gotten some advice that could help him to understand himself better. I
don't know, but I think this experience, no matter how it will turn out,
will help Orlando to become more mature, and will do him some good. I
hope it will not make him or me suffer too much... This is the first
time that I find myself between a couple, although I did not intend for
this to happen. What can I do? Give up myself? I have already given up
myself too many times, and after all, I have just a few more years to
live -- am I so selfish if I hope to have a little love once again in my
last years? Yes, Gian Maria, are you a selfish man?

I will have to wait and see how things progress. It's one of the most
difficult things for me, but I had to do it many times before, and I
have to do it again now. But am I in love with Orlando? Do I really love
him?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In these lines there are two expressions that give me something to think
about -- the first, "I have already given up myself too many times," and
the second, "I have just a few more years to live."

When Dad told me that he was also gay, he also started to tell me,
little by little, about himself, his life, his thoughts, his ideas and
values.

To Dad, "to love" always meant to forget himself and to live for the
other person. He often gave up his own desires, his own pleasure, and
his own happiness for the happiness of the person he loved. He also did
that for you, Silvio. When you told him that you didn't feel like
continuing your relationship with him, he did not try to keep you bound
to him, but only for the love he had for you. He only wanted to know
that you were happy, and your happiness came before his own. The same is
true when he confessed to me that he felt attracted to Ugo, and on many
other occasions. He abhorred selfishness, and although he could forgive
selfishness in others, he tried not to be selfish himself.

I'm not saying he was perfect. He had flaws, and aspects that I didn't
like (and I think he didn't like to have them either). But to him, to
love, to really love, was something very basic. He deeply believed in
love, he loved love. I am sure that if Orlando ever told him "I love
Willy" he would have withdrawn at once. But Orlando just told him "I am
with Willy" and, as Dad told me, Orlando didn't even have one picture of
that Willy at his apartment, or anything that could make someone think
that Orlando was in love with Willy. Probably Willy was just Orlando's
first man and the boy felt he owed him something. I would have liked to
meet Orlando, to talk with him, to understand him, but I never had that
opportunity.

About the second sentence, "I have just a few more years to live," at
that time, he didn't know how much he was right, as cancer was already
spreading inside his body. But was it perhaps some kind of prediction?
Did he feel it in some strange, mysterious way? A fifty-year-old man
normally doesn't feel to be near his death. Moreover, even if he was
amidst a thousand doubts and trepidation, he surely didn't hope to die.
This desire would arise only some months later, when he gave up the hope
that he could find a lover. And it clearly became stronger when he
discovered that his time was really rapidly running out, as an incurable
illness was lurking inside him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

9/27/1990, Saturday
Saint Vincent

I have hoped to meet Orlando, either today or tomorrow, but he said he's
busy. Is it really so, or he just doesn't want to meet me? Or he just
wants some time to think it over? I don't know, and I don't understand.
At this point, I decided not to call him and just to wait for him to
call me, but I don't know if I am doing the right thing. I'm afraid he
won't call me. Not calling him could make him think that I no longer
desire him, but calling him could bother him. But if my calling him
annoys him, then it means that he really does not care about me. It
could be a way to ask him to make a decision about me. See? I am
wavering. However, I really like Orlando. Last night at the gay bar, I
met a really handsome boy, and it was clear he felt attracted to me. If
my mind was not so full of Orlando, I think I could have also felt
really attracted to him. Objectively, he was more handsome than Orlando,
yet to me, Orlando was still better. What should I do then? I can't pull
him out of my mind, or out of my heart. Only one week has passed from
the last time I saw Orlando, but it already seemed like an eternity to
me.

At times, I think I should follow my impulses -- to call him, to try to
meet him... I know man is different from all the other animals exactly
because he is able to control his impulses, but... is it always right?
Am I not controlling them too much? I would like to have somebody who
can give me some advice at this moment, but who? Certainly not Silvio,
who is completely overwhelmed by Danilo, his new great love (and I am
glad for him, even if my heart cries a little at the thought that I was
not able to give Silvio all he needed). I feel like a school kid during
his first love affair -- confused. It is like that so many years of
experience didn't teach me anything. I think I can talk with Raffaele.
Yes, it would be a good idea. He understands me, and he loves me.

Today, Nuccio was supposed to come to see me, but he didn't show up, nor
did he call. I feel he won't come any more. I'm a little sorry. I would
have liked to know him better. But Orlando... why did I fall in love
with him in this way? He has Willy, so how much could he feel attracted
to me? I don't know if he would ever prefer me to Willy.

But I would like that so much! And not only because I like him
physically, or his way to make love. No. It is he himself, Orlando, with
his personality, which I'm getting to know more and more, that appeals
to me so much. Am I deceiving myself? Why can't I ever find somebody to
fall in love with me as I fall in love with him? Why are all my loves
doomed to die? Why can't I ever find somebody who is happy to receive my
love, and to give me his own? At times like these, I feel so sad that I
just want to die...

And yet, no, I'm not really sad. I just feel like I am hanging on to
nothingness. I wait, but I don't know what for. No, I know -- I am
waiting for Orlando to tell me that he can't live without me, that he
wants my love, that he wants to give me his love and not just his body.
But perhaps I'm demanding too much and thus, as I foresaw, I will remain
empty-handed on all fronts.

So in conclusion, should I call Orlando or not? Is it better to wait for
him to show up? I have not decided yet...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

In fact he talked with me. He told me that he was in a very new and
strange situation that he needed to talk with me to see it more clearly.
And he told me, in a nutshell, about his triple infatuation, about his
predilection for Orlando and his confusion and uncertainty.

I never saw Dad, usually so self-assured and decisive, so uncertain and
confused. I felt such tenderness towards him. I told him that in my
opinion, he should just follow his instinct. I told him that it was time
that he started thinking about himself and his own happiness.

I was happy to hear that he was in love again and I told him that in my
opinion, he had to stake everything on Orlando. From how he talked about
him, it was evident to me that he was deeply in love with that boy. He
talked with me with honesty, trying to analyze his own sentiments and to
understand what was the right thing to do, not only for himself, but
also out of care for Orlando. I felt that after our long conversation,
he was a little more serene. He asked me, "Don't I seem to you like a
school kid?" I answered, "Yes, Dad, and it seems splendid to me -- you
remained fresh and clean inside. You are a wonderful man." He blushed,
but thanked me, and added, "But isn't it ridiculous that a man of my
age..." "Not at all. I hope I can be like you when I reach your age. I
love you so much, Dad!"

We embraced. Then he asked me how everything was with my new lover,
Stefano. I told him that I felt good, even if we occasionally had some
small quarrels. He seemed alarmed, "What for?" he wanted to know.
"Because he always wants to make love. He is insatiable." "And you
complain?" he asked with a gentle smile, and then told me about Mom, and
how she caressed him at different times during the day when he was
working in his workshop, or at night while he was sleeping, until she
aroused him, and then she would make love with him for a long time. "And
it was great, you know?" he concluded with a dream-like expression. Then
he added, "Maybe he just needs to feel how much you desire him. If you
take the initiative a little more often, he probably will feel more
assured and will insist less, don't you think?"

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CONTINUES IN PART 4

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In my home page I've put some of my stories. If someone wants to read
them, the URL is

http://www.geocities.com/andrejkoymasky/

If you want to send me feed-back, please e-mail at

andrejkoymasky@geocities.com

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