Date: Tue, 23 Nov 1999 10:08:47 +0900
From: Andrej Koymasky <andrejkoymasky@geocities.com>
Subject: Foot 04

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HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES
by Andrej Koymasky
Written on June 10, 1955
translated by the Author
English text kindly revised
by a friend

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USUAL DISCLAINER

"HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES" is a gay story, with some parts containing
graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion,
family, opinion and so on this is not good for you it will be better
not to read this story.
But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think
you really want to read it, please be my welcome guest.

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PART 4

10/1/1990, Wednesday
Saint Jerome

I called Orlando's home at 10:30 this morning. I expected to get the
answering machine as usual, and I would just leave him a message and see
if he would call back. But instead, Mik answered the phone. He sounded
sleepy because he went out to drink with his friends last night. I
apologized and asked him to tell Orlando that I called. I don't know,
but will Mik remember my message in that kind of state? Anyway, the fact
is that Orlando hasn't called all this week. Every day, I would hope
there would a message from him on my answering machine when I got back
home, but nothing. Probably Orlando really wants to end our
relationship. This makes me sad, even if all considered, I can
understand him. And yet, I can't stop hoping.

This evening, I went to the "Antares" gay sauna around 7:30 since I had
received a pass as a gift. They had a small room with a TV set and about
twenty sitting places, where they showed gay movies. Then there was a
corridor with benches and vending machines for drinks or snacks and
cigarettes, then a lounge with plenty of gay magazines, where one could
also smoke. Then there was a partially dark corridor, divided by
curtains that form a kind of maze, with two narrow booths to where a
couple can withdraw and make love while standing, and two small rooms
with a couch that you could rent and lock with a key. And then there was
the real sauna with showers.

I watched one of the movies, then I started to roam around, hoping to
hook up with one of the many young men (90% of the men there were young)
who were unceasingly wandering around. Nothing happened for hours. The
fact was besides my shyness, I didn't know what people did to hook up
with each other there. It was the first time I set foot in a gay sauna,
and the fear of taking a wrong step or appearing aggressive prevented me
from taking the first step even if I liked more than one of those
youths. Then, while I was standing close to one of the curtains, I felt
someone on the other side and it seemed he was one of the boys I liked.

He was brushing the curtain like I was, so at a certain point, my hand
brushed against his hand through the fabric, and he didn't withdraw. I
pushed, and he still didn't go away. So I made up my mind and slipped my
hand to the other side and our fingers intertwined tightly. I pushed
aside the tent -- he was not the boy I was thinking of, but he was
handsome. I asked him if he wanted to come with me to one of the small
rooms and he said yes. So I went to rent a room and fetched the key. It
was 10:50. We went in and kissed, and slowly undressed each other.
Although his face was not really beautiful (but it was nice), I liked
his body very much.

We made love, kissing, caressing and giving each other head, but without
cuming, and I didn't penetrate him although he clearly liked feeling my
finger rimming his little hole. He pressed against me and wanted to be
cuddled. I felt he was looking more for some tenderness than just plain
sex (even if he also liked sex). He smiled at me, leaned his face on my
chest or on my shoulder, and seemed happy when I held him tight against
me and rocked him. He seemed amazed by my member. He caressed it and
often sucked it. We remained so until 11:40. It had been really
enjoyable although we didn't cum. He didn't want to tell me his name. He
is twenty year old, and he studies at the Fine Arts Academy, and I told
him I am a painter.

I told him I liked him and wanted to meet him again. He told me he
already had a boyfriend. But later, when I repeated to him that I
desired to meet him again, he asked me when. I asked him when he would
have free time. While we were dressing, I asked him, "What about
tomorrow? I am free all day." He said, "I am busy in the evening, but
not during the day." "So we can meet during the day then..." "Yes."
"What time?" "At one o'clock. Is that good for you?" "Yes, sure. Can we
meet in front of the "Ideal" movie theater? Do you know where it is?"
"Yes, sure." "Will you really come? I'd rather get a 'no' now than to
wait hopelessly." "I'll definitely come." "Promise?" "Yes."

We went out together and walked to the station where he had to take a
train. He doesn't play any sports at the moment, but he used to play
tennis. He smokes, but very little. He doesn't go to gay clubs or gay
discos. When we parted, I asked him again about our date, and he assured
me.

He was nice, very shy. I told him that I understood his reluctance to
tell me his name, since we still didn't know each other well. But I
wanted to get acquainted with him so we could know each other better and
maybe become friends. He agreed. Who knows if and how this story will
have a follow up? We made love in a very sweet way, and although he told
me he preferred not to cum, and we didn't, it had been really
pleasurable. When we entered the small room, he asked me to turn off the
light. Even without the light, there was enough glimmer to see his body
and his expression. And later, he went to switch on the light to have
better look at me. I loved his smile...

But why do I always find boys who already have a boyfriend? Will I ever
find someone who can simply fall in love with me?

Well, now it is almost one in the morning and I'll go to bed now. In
twelve hours, I'll be in front of the "Ideal" to wait for him. Let's
hope he won't play a dirty trick on me. If we can spend the afternoon
together, I'll give him my address and phone number so he can call me if
he doesn't want to give me his telephone number.

But after all, I'm still hoping to receive a call from Orlando...

10/3/1990, Friday
Saint Candid

As I had feared, that guy didn't show up for our date yesterday
afternoon. I waited for him for more than thirty minutes. I can't
understand what pleasure one could find in making a promise then
breaking it. But so much the better -- "the grapes are sour" as said the
fox of the tale. Anyway, I really feel I am naive.

Later, I went to the "Antares" sauna again, where I stayed for about
five hours without any luck. There was a guy in particular that I liked,
really handsome. Although he didn't have any luck in either, he didn't
make any indication whether he was interested in me, and he didn't
respond to my signals either. Was that because my signals were
unconventional, or I simply didn't appeal to him?

At 9 p.m. I went to the "Pink Triangle". There was just the owner there,
so I took advantage of the situation and asked him to tell me how to
cruises in a sauna or a gay bar. It had been really useful and
instructive. Around 10:00 I went to the gay pub "Garibaldi". It was my
first time. A nice place, but as usual, I just sat at the counter,
silent and alone. So around midnight, I decided to go back home. Out of
the corner of my eye, I saw three guys coming in and they sat down at a
table. I didn't pay too much attention. I was standing up and ready to
leave when one of the three newcomers came to me and greeted me. It was
Mik, Orlando's roommate. He recognized me and came to say hi and invited
me to sit at their table. I went there and we chatted for a while. At a
certain point, Mik saw my rosewood key holder and asked me if I gave one
to Orlando. I said yes and asked him why. He said that when he saw
Orlando had one, he insistently asked Orlando to give it to him, but
Orlando answered with a resolute and unusual "no!

Then Mik said, "Orlando is really nice and sweet, isn't he?" "Yes, very
much," I said. Then while the other two were not listening, I asked him
if he could keep a secret. He promised. I told Mik I am madly in love
with Orlando but I didn't tell him, knowing that he already had another
man. Mik promised me again that he wouldn't tell Orlando, and then said
that Orlando is still very young, and more importantly, still unsure
about himself. He told me that Willy lives in the town where Orlando
came from, and is sixty-three years old. Mik then told me that Orlando
also has a younger lover here in town, a Frenchman, and Orlando is
confused because he isn't able to say no to either of them. Mik said
that Orlando just needs some time. So I said to him that my love is
hopeless. But Mik told me on the contrary, I just have to be patient for
now, and give Orlando my friendship without forcing him to make a
choice, or else I risk making him run away from me. In his opinion, I
will have success with Orlando in the long run. He also added that he
would try to arrange for the three of us to meet more often so that I
could spend more time Orlando. "You are a fascinating man. I am sure
that Orlando can fall in love with you..." he said gently.

I didn't tell Mik that Orlando and I had already made love, because I
didn't feel like telling him things that also concerned Orlando. But now
hope is burning again in my heart although I understand that Orlando
still needs a lot of time to take a decision. In short, at the moment,
Orlando has three lovers, including me. Or maybe it's more than three?

Mik said they would go to a "spaghetti house" at 2:00 and invited me to
go with them. I accepted his invitation -- I really felt good with Mik.
At 2 a.m., I was about to stand up to go with them, a really handsome
young man (perhaps around 28 years old) came to me and asked me where I
was from, what I was doing, and a lot of other questions. But I saw the
others were saying goodbye to their friends and were ready to leave, so
I took my belongings and stood up to follow them. The young man then
said, "What, are you leaving already? Stay a little longer, come on!" "I
can't." "Just a little longer..." "I am with friends and promised them
I'd go with them." "Do you come often here?" "No, this is my first
time." "I see... will you come again?" "Yes, certainly." "Good. So we
can meet again." He said with a smile. I had the impression that the
young man liked me. He was very handsome, and if I was not so taken with
Orlando, I think I would have liked to know him and...

We went to the spaghetti house and stayed there until 5 a.m. I promised
Mik I would give him drawing lessons, since he wanted to learn. When we
parted, Mik told me he would get my telephone number from Orlando and he
would call me. I think I have an ally in Mik. He seemed willing to help
me win Orlando's heart.

Finding out that Orlando has not one but two lovers besides me didn't
shock me at all. Maybe he is still trying to decide what he really
likes. Orlando has only been living outside of his home for six months,
he must be enjoying a freedom that he never had before. Mik said Orlando
is attracted to people of my age, which clearly means that the French
man is not really a rival. And Willy, well, even if Orlando goes back to
his town about once every two weeks, he is still far away...

I don't know if I am disappointed in myself or not. Next time when I am
alone with Mik, I'll ask him what he thinks my chances are. And I'll ask
him to advise me on how to conquer Orlando completely. I think that Mik
likes me and he will help me.

Among other things Mik told me was that he met Silvio the previous
evening -- he doesn't know that Silvio was my ex-lover. Mik also told me
that Orlando often goes to the "Garibaldi" pub alone, but rarely to the
"Pink Triangle". I think I will only go to "Garibaldi" from now on. That
place is likeable.

I now understand why Orlando bought a book to study French. Who knows if
I can persuade him to study drawing instead of French? Maybe I can, with
Mik's help. I cannot abandon my dream of starting something serious with
Orlando.

Raffaele asked me if I just like Orlando very much, or if I am really in
love with him. Honestly, I don't know, but I feel it is a deep love, not
just a fancy. Of course, the uncertainty of Orlando's decision restrains
me a lot in my sentiments; however, I do nothing but thinking of him.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Clearly, Dad was in love with Orlando -- it was evident enough that when
I asked him about the boy, Dad's eyes would shine with sparkles.

When he told me that Orlando had three lovers, I had a somewhat critical
opinion about Orlando.

But Dad said in Orlando's defense, "He has to reach a decision by
himself. He has to make desire and love coincide, but he is not able to
do that yet. You have to understand him. You see, when I discovered I
was gay, or bi, who knows, I was eighteen years old. I had a girlfriend,
and her name was Anna. She was also eighteen. She was my second
girlfriend. I desired her. I wanted to make love with her, but she was
somewhat hesitant. She caressed me, and let me caress her, even
intimately. We kissed, but she never wanted to go any further. I
respected her, so I restrained my desires, even though it was really
strong.

"Anna had a brother, Dolfo, who was twenty-four years old. Dolfo was
gay, but I didn't know that. I found him really likeable. He was
handsome, elegant, and witty. I willingly spent time in his company. One
day, while we were talking about Anna and me, he asked me if we had
already made love. I told him we hadn't. He seemed surprised, so I
explained to him why. "But are you able to control yourself?" he asked
me. "Yes, for the moment." I answered. "I see... I also desire a person
but I never told that person." He said. I didn't understand he was
exactly referring to me...

"But on another day when we were alone, just he and I, Dolfo made up his
mind and told me he desired me. I don't know, perhaps it was a special
moment, perhaps it was the affection I was feeling for him, perhaps it
was my repressed desires, the fact was that I let him embrace, caress,
and kiss me... and not just kiss. We made love, and when he asked me to
take him, and I entered him, it seemed so wonderful to me -- both him
and the fact that I was united to him. And I felt I was in love with
him, even though I continued to love and desire his sister... I felt I
had to make a choice, but I was absolutely unable to do that. So, to
understand myself better, I also started to go out with another boy
during that period of time, while continuing to flirt with Anna and to
make love with Dolfo. He was one of Dolfo's gay friends, who fascinated
me with his passionate way of making love. And I felt even more
difficult to make a choice. Therefore, I now understand Orlando. And
then, after all, am I not trying it with three boys at the same time?
How could I judge Orlando?"

Yes, how can one judge another? Dad always said that nobody has the
right to make himself the judge of another person. You can only judge
the actions, not who is doing them.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

10/5/1990, Sunday
Saint Placid

Last night (actually this morning) coming back home from the "Garibaldi"
pub, I found a note slipped from underneath the door -- it was from
Nuccio!!!

He came here to meet me yesterday afternoon, because he wrote in his
notebook that we were to meet on October 4, not September 27, as I wrote
down. He said that he waited one and a half hours for me. He apologized
for not having called me before, but he lost the note on which he had my
telephone number, so he directly came here. He gave me his address and
asked me to write or call him. He said he was sorry for not showing up
last time, but it was because of his overtime work and his sister's
wedding (I remember him telling me about that)... In his note, he also
asked me if I could give private drawing lessons to a young woman, a
friend of him, who is twenty-seven years old and lives close to my home,
and knows he is gay but likes him "all the same".

So, now I understand why he didn't come last time.

But Orlando hasn't shown up yet...

In my heart, there is a real struggle. What should I do? Should I remain
hopeful in Orlando, or should I reconsider Nuccio? But Nuccio is so
hesitant... and I don't know if he likes me physically -- he must feel I
am too old for him, and after all, I really am... Yet I feel very
attracted to Nuccio. I feel I can fall in love with him.

I need love. I have a great need for love, and possibly this doesn't
allow me to see with enough detachment what would be the right thing to
do. I feel alone -- not being able to love someone and to be loved back
diminishes a great part of my will and my pleasure of living.

At the bar last night, I was alone with the two waiters at a certain
point. So we started to chat -- what my type was, and so on. When I said
I am too shy to tell a guy that I like him, they told me very nicely
that they would tell the guy on my behalf. Of course, if the other guy
is not interested in me, all ends there, but if instead he is... I got
the feeling that they didn't tell me this just because this is
customarily done in gay bars, but also because they truly like me,
especially Marcello, who is not handsome, but very sweet and gentle.
Then the other bartender showed me the picture of a close friend of him,
a boy of twenty-five years who goes to the pub from time to time, and
asked me if he was my type. From the picture, he seemed rather handsome
and likeable, so I said he was. Thus he told me that he would introduce
him to me, and who knows...

And then, there is the handsome unknown young man from "Garibaldi", the
one who wanted me to stay longer and who seemed really keen about me...
And then Nuccio... and then Orlando...

In short, I am starting to feel free again because Orlando hasn't shown
up, and from what I see, he is not so keen about me. And Nuccio will not
be just a temporary solution, even though he is still so young...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Maybe Dad was not really in love with Mom at first, although later on he
loved her very much. At first she was just a dear friend with whom he
felt okay. It was she who gradually led him to making love with her --
my mother was really fond of Dad. Yes, he was not really in love with
her, in fact, even while he was making love with her, he continued to
have adventures with boys.

But when she told him she was pregnant with me, Dad not only wanted to
marry her, but he also stopped all other relationships at once. Mom
never knew that Dad was gay. I think she didn't even suspect it. Dad
made sure that he was a good husband to her, so she would miss nothing,
either on an emotional or a physical level, therefore he didn't feel the
need to tell her anything about his past. "Past is past, it doesn't
exist any more. Sincerity is to be reserved to the present. I would have
never lied to your Mom about our common life." Dad once said to me.

When Dad married Mom, he was twenty-five years old. I was born six
months after their wedding. They called me Raffaele, like my grandfather
-- since Mom had already decided, Dad yielded even though he would have
liked to call me Giacomo. Dad often yielded to Mom, and yet he was not a
weak man at all, but exactly the opposite. However, his strength lied in
his ability to not fight over non-essential things. In fact, when I told
them I was gay, Dad didn't yield even one millimeter to Mom, and in some
ways, he persuaded her to accept me as I was.

I later asked him what they said to each other that night after my
coming out. "A lot of things." "But what, in particular?" I insisted.
"That we really loved you, and that was the basic thing. All the other
things were of little importance." "But Mom didn't accept the fact her
only son turned out to be gay. Did she?" "She was not prepared for it.
At first, she was shocked. But she was a good-hearted woman, and an
intelligent one, so at last she accepted you." "Did you tell her about
yourself on that occasion?" "No, it would have killed her. Moreover, she
would have thought my arguments were biased. She would think I was just
making excuses for myself. It was not necessary, and that was not the
time." "But you never felt guilty keeping your true identity inside
yourself?" "My true identity? But my true identity was that I was deeply
in love with your Mom and was happy with her. I had nothing to hide."
Dad answered me with a sweet smile.

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CONTINUES IN PART 5

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In my home page I've put some of my stories. If someone wants to read
them, the URL is

http://www.geocities.com/andrejkoymasky/

If you want to send me feed-back, please e-mail at

andrejkoymasky@geocities.com

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