Date: Mon, 29 Nov 1999 20:59:26 +0900
From: Andrej Koymasky <andrejkoymasky@geocities.com>
Subject: Foot 09 (last)

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HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES
by Andrej Koymasky
Written on June 10, 1955
translated by the Author
English text kindly revised
by a friend

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USUAL DISCLAINER

"HIS FOOT IN TOO MANY SHOES" is a gay story, with some parts containing
graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion,
family, opinion and so on this is not good for you it will be better
not to read this story.
But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think
you really want to read it, please be my welcome guest.

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PART 9

2/20/1991, Friday
Saint Heleuterius

Nuccio hasn't shown up. Orlando skipped two lessons, the first one
because he was ill and the second one because he stopped working and
went back to his hometown. But he called this evening to ask me if I
could give him a French lesson and Mik a drawing lesson tomorrow. So I
will go to their place around 1 p.m. Who knows why he calls me to give
him lessons, but there will always be somebody else at his place? Maybe
he doesn't want to make love with me any more? We will see. Anyway, I am
pleased just to see him, although I desire very much to make love with
him...

2/21/1991, Saturday
Saint Peter Damianus

When I arrived at his place, Orlando was alone. He embraced and kissed
me and he was aroused. We caressed, touched, squeezed against each
other. He was so nice, and it seemed he had a great longing for making
love. We were interrupted by a telephone call. I pulled off my coat and
sat down to wait for him. Then he sat close to me and started to kiss me
again, to caress me between my legs, but soon after, Mik came back and
so we started to have the lesson. Orlando told me that at the end of
this month Mik would go to live with his boyfriend so he would be alone.
Was that some kind of hint that he wanted to be alone with me? But then,
he also said that he will go to England in May and he will stay there
for three months. I then asked him whether he would spend three weeks
with me after that so we could visit Sicily together. He said he would
have liked it very much, but he didn't think he would have enough money.
I then told him that he only had to spend money for the plane ticket
from England to Italy, and he would eat and sleep with me and it
wouldn't cost him anything. He answered that he would think about it --
I would like so much to have him with me for three weeks!

The next lesson will be in a week. Again at 1 p.m. at his place. I think
I will go there at least thirty minutes early, so who knows, we will
have time to make love if he is alone. Actually, I was rather surprised
this time because he embraced, caressed and kissed me exactly the way he
did when he wanted to make love, and yet he knew that Mik was about to
come home... I don't know, I really can't understand what is going
through his mind, what he really feels about me. Does he want me or not?
What am I to him? Well... we will see. Surely, I desire him very much,
and I really like him a lot. And he makes me feel his desires...

2/28/1991, Saturday
Saint Roman

Today I went to Orlando's place at 12:20, which is 40 minutes early,
hoping to find him alone, but instead, there were only Mik and Gianni.
Somewhat disappointed, I made the best of the situation. They both were
very nice to me. Then at 12:45, Orlando came. They ate their lunch (and
offered me to eat with them, but I had already eaten). Then I first gave
two hours of French lesson to Orlando, then two hours of drawing lesson
to Mik. Meanwhile, Orlando went to buy some cakes, which we ate
together. After the lessons, while Orlando was studying French in a
nearby room, I chatted with Mik. Then two girls, their friends, came to
their place so they could go out together. I said I was going back home,
but Orlando asked me to stay a little longer and they would take me home
with the car of one of the girls. So I stayed with them until 7:15.
Orlando drove the car and took me back to my place.

We will meet again next Saturday, at the same time. I don't know, but I
really can't understand why he touched me with such obvious desires the
last time, but then he does nothing to be alone with me.

Nuccio still hasn't shown up and I don't know if I should call him or
not. Maybe it is better that I do nothing and just live my days. In
other words, not to wait for anything more from life, but if by chance
something good comes... This thought makes me feel like an old man,
almost resigned -- I just have to wait to die, in other words.

This doesn't scare me at all. It just saddens me a little, but... I
always believed that it is useless for one to flop his arms and then to
cry because he can't fly, since he is not a bird. Thus, maybe it is time
to live what I always believed -- I am good as a friend, evidently, and
not as a lover. A sad balance of life for someone who, like me, always
blindly believed in love. Well, there is little to do, "c'est la vie"!

3/5/1991, Thursday
Saint Jordan

Today I went to Silvio's place to show him how his new stereo works. In
the afternoon, while we were taking a break, at a certain point he told
me he wanted to make love with me. Then he crouched against me, asking
me if I was annoyed by that, if it caused problems for me. At first I
didn't know what to say, I really didn't expect anything like that. I
was hesitant, but then I was also very much aroused, because I love
Silvio and I continue to like Silvio a lot, so I accepted it and we
started to make love.

To me, it had been rather great, but I was thinking that maybe it was
not so great for him, since I know very well that physically I'm not his
type. However, he told me it had been beautiful because he could feel
that I liked making love with him, and because I made love with him
"with love". I don't know if I did the right thing by accepting his
request, but I am not sorry at all for what I did. And he was not sorry
at all either. Will it happen again? I think it could, but I don't
really know. Anyway, for sure I will not be the one to suggest that, not
out of pride, but because I don't want to risk putting him ill at ease,
and perhaps also because I am afraid that I still desire him too much...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad didn't talk to me about this incident either. Yet it was not a real
surprise for me when I read it, Silvio, as I always knew that your
relationship with Dad had been rather unusual. I know that to him it was
really important that you were always happy, and not only when you were
living together.

In his wallet, I found your picture, the only picture he always had with
him -- not of me, or Mom, or anybody else.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

3/7/1991, Saturday
Saint Felicita

I went to give Orlando his French lesson. He came one hour late so I
gave Mik his drawing lesson while waiting for him. And there were always
other people. I really got the feeling that Orlando was taking advantage
of me a little too much. If this continues, I'll give him a piece of my
mind, and either he changes or I'll tell him to get lost.

He apologized several times, with the look of a kid caught red-handed...

But I like him so much! Mik said that Orlando still acts a little too
much like a child, and I think Mik is right. Orlando quitted his job
again and is relying on his family to support him. Then, at the end of
April, he will go to England for three months to take a course in
English, again, at his family expense. Who understands it?!

I went back home rather... well, no, not really pissed off, but...

At 11:12 p.m. the telephone rang. I thought it was Silvio (I knew for
sure it could not be Orlando apologizing again and even less telling me
he wants to meet me) but instead it was Nuccio! It gave me a great
pleasure when I recognized his voice, because I didn't hope to hear from
him any more. He apologized for not calling before today. Then, with the
tone of someone afraid to receive a "no" as an answer, he asked me if I
was still available to give him lessons. He said he would really like to
resume them. I told him yes, we just have to see when, because now I am
somewhat busier than before. He was happy. He told me that he has to go
out of town for his firm, and he will be back on the 19th.

I told him to call again after he is back. He said he is longing to meet
me. He said that he would like to take lessons on weekends. Was he
implying that he wanted to spend some more time with me? Or it's just me
starting to dream again? Anyway, it gave me an incredible amount of
pleasure to hearing his voice again, and to hear that he wants to meet
me. Also now, his ex-lover is no longer here, therefore... who knows?
Yes, undoubtedly I'm dreaming again -- I like Nuccio so very much, and
possibly he is more mature than Orlando, in spite of the fact that he is
four years younger. He is really nice, but more for his very sweet
character than his physical appearance. Who knows? We will see -- I can
just wait a couple of weeks.

3/14/1991, Saturday
Saint Mathilda

When I got to Orlando's place, he opened the door for me wearing just
his briefs. Mik was taking his shower. Orlando got dressed while I was
looking at him with desire through the open door of his bedroom. I had
hoped that he would signal me to go into his room, but nothing. After
getting dressed, he came to me with his books for the lesson. I caressed
his hand and he kissed me. Then he waved me to follow him to his bedroom
and there he embraced and French-kissed me. Then, he exposed his chest
and asked me to suck his nipples. He had me sit on his bed and then sat
on my lap, feeling my hard-on with his butt, then pushed against me,
making me feel his erection. He was French-kissing me, lightly moaning,
and groping me. We continued doing that until we heard Mik turning off
the shower, so we went back to the living room to have the French
lesson.

I asked Orlando again if after England he would go to Sicily with me for
three weeks in August. He told me he would like to, but he hasn't
decided yet, because he doesn't know if he will have enough money. I
kissed him again and told him I liked him very much, then I asked him if
he liked me at least a little. He smiled, kissed me and said he liked
me. I told him I wanted him. He uncovered his chest again, inviting me
to lick his nipples. But we had to stop soon, as Mik was about to come
out of the bathroom. My God, how much I desired Orlando!

After the lesson, while I was teaching Mik drawing, Orlando went out to
buy some pastries for the three of us. He also bought a cake just for me
to take home -- it was covered with whipped cream and had two sugar red
roses and a sugar red heart on it. We agreed I would call him on Monday
(the day after tomorrow) evening after my classes, to see if I can go
and get his video recorder. Will he be alone? I doubt he will be, but I
hope he will. We can't meet next Saturday because they are moving, but I
am almost certain they will come to my place Tuesday morning for their
lessons. Would Orlando come earlier than Mik? Another hope... I want
him. I'm really longing to make love with him. And evidently he likes it
too.

Today, while he was in just briefs, maybe I should have just gone into
his bedroom and taken advantage of the situation that he was almost
naked, rather than restraining myself. Maybe I was being too respectful,
and perhaps he was expecting, hoping for me to make a move. But he
didn't encourage me... It's true that it had been enough for me just to
caress his hand later, and he took the further step of inviting me to
his bed so we could touch and kiss each other. Maybe I just had to make
him understand in a more explicit way how much I wanted him...

3/24/1991, Tuesday
Saint Romulus

Orlando came to my place for the lesson, and as soon as he was inside,
he told me with a cunning smile, "Mik won't come today..." He embraced
me and pressed against me, making me feel how aroused he was, and gave
me one of his breathtaking kisses.

Then, I guided him to my bed. We undressed each other and started to
make love at once. He was able to arouse me incredibly as usual. He told
me that he liked the way I took him, while he was pulling me inside him.
Yes, I was aware of that -- from his moans and groans and pushes against
me, and he had a radiant expression while I was moving inside him.

Then, we had the French lesson, all naked, because as usual, he didn't
want to get dressed after making love. Thus, the lesson lasted shorter
than usual, because he soon started to caress me again. We ended up on
the sofa and he gave me head. He hadn't done it for a long time and I
know he doesn't really like giving head, but he wanted me to get a good
hard-on, because he wanted me inside him again. So I took him again with
sheer pleasure, and he was happy. When he bit my nipples, I suddenly
unloaded inside him and he came too soon after while masturbating.

He said he would come again next week. Now he no longer has his
apartment and lives with a girl, a friend. He will fetch me his video
recorder. But next time he will come with Mik, he said. We will see.
When he left, he thanked me...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Did you notice, Silvio, that Dad didn't talk about love any more?
Evidently, he was starting to give up. He must have felt that it was
better for him "not to deceive himself, not to eventually disappoint
himself."

Anyway, we are already near the end of this short but intense diary.
Also in this period, he was showing less enthusiasm than usual with me.
By the way, I had heard that Orlando was going to England with that
Willy. I asked myself if I should tell Dad about that, but I didn't have
the courage. I was afraid that it would hurt him too much. But I asked
myself whether Dad hadn't suspected it, in the same way as he guessed
that the reason why Orlando asked him to give him French lessons was
because of that young French lover. And in spite of that, Dad made
himself available to teach him French.

At times, I felt like going to look for Orlando to ask him what he had
in his mind about Dad, but then I told myself that I had no right to
meddle in that way in Dad's life.

Now let's see the last part of this diary -- short entries, almost
dry...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

3/30/1991, Monday
Saint Amedeus

Orlando called me and said that he couldn't come for the lesson, because
he had to go back to his hometown to prepare all the documents for his
imminent trip to England. All right! I still do not understand what he
thinks, what he feels. I think that after all, it would be better if I
get him out of my mind.

Anyway, I had a meeting with Livio today, just us two alone. He was
quiet in school these days, acting cool towards me as if nothing had
happened between us. So I told him I desired to be alone with him again
and invited him to come to my place. He answered kindly but unmistakably
that he would rather not be alone with me again. "Why?" I asked him. I
had already guessed the reason, but I wanted him to explain it to me
more clearly.

"Because I definitely prefer doing it with my girlfriend. Moreover, I
don't really like being penetrated." He said. "But after all, you wanted
it the last time. Is it not so?" "Yes, I wanted to try, it is true. So I
tried it with you, and... I didn't like it so much. But I wanted to try
it with you, and I am happy I did it, professor, because I admire you
very much. I would like for us to remain friends, if you desire that
too, but please, don't try it any more..."

I didn't insist. After all, I care about his friendship because he is a
dear boy, also because I understood that he accepts me regardless. So, I
promised him that I would never try to make love with him again, even if
we are alone. He looked at me straight in my eyes, smiled sweetly and
said: "I trust you."

3/31/1991, Tuesday
Saint Benjamin

A surprise call from Nuccio again! He apologized for his long silence
and asked me if I was still available to give him drawing lessons. I
answered him it would be a great pleasure for me and he thanked me. So
we agreed he would come next Thursday at 2 p.m., after I get back home
from my school. Life is funny -- I was about to give up my dreams about
Orlando and here Nuccio appears again, although I can't tell if what he
just wanted are just drawing lessons. But now that his ex-lover will
remain abroad for some years, I shouldn't have any more problems...

4/5/1991, Sunday
Saint Vincent

Nuccio called me to apologize, but some inconvenience prevents him from
coming tomorrow. So we decided to meet on April 10th, a Friday, around
one o'clock. He will call me when he leaves his home. And I started to
dream about Nuccio again. Surely I like him very much, and in my mind,
now he perhaps comes before Orlando, who is a very selfish boy. We will
see... Hope is alive again.

4/9/1991, Thursday
Saint Dionysus

Orlando called and apologized for not having called before, but he is in
his hometown now. He asked me when he could bring me his video recorder,
and whether I could give him some more lessons when he comes back here
again. On the one hand I can understand him -- he is preparing for his
departure for England, and he must be busy and excited. But on the other
hand, I also have the feeling that he is just doing whatever he pleases.
Anyway, Nuccio will come here tomorrow, and nowadays I feel more
attracted to Nuccio than Orlando, although I will have to see what
Nuccio does tomorrow...

4/10/1991, Friday
Saint Terence

I am waiting for Nuccio. I'm really longing to have him here again, to
look at him, to see how he acts towards me. If he gives me the hope that
he wants to become my boyfriend, I would certainly forget Orlando or
anybody else for him. He will be here in thirty minute, and I hope there
won't be any problem. Anyway, Nuccio always calls in advance if he can't
come or if he is running late, therefore I know he will come for sure.

I really feel somewhat excited....

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Nuccio just left. We just had the drawing lesson. I lightly caressed his
thigh and he let me do it without any reaction, be it positive or
negative. It's different from the other times when he at least caressed
my hand. This time there was nothing. And when he left, he didn't give
me his usual sweet peck, but he just shook my hand. After talking for a
while, he told me that he doesn't have a boyfriend now, but just a
"friend" and he lives far away.

Was that a message to tell me not to deceive myself? Who knows?
Certainly, he is becoming even more handsome, and I feel I desire to be
loved by him. Maybe he just has to get used to me? Anyway, he will come
again on Thursday for the lesson. God, how much I desire him! But I'm
afraid that nothing great will happen with Nuccio. We will see if
something will change during the next lessons. It had been three months
since we last met.

4/14/1991, Thursday
Saint Tiburce

Nuccio called to apologize. He said he doesn't feel like coming here any
more, because he feels too attracted to me and he knows I desire him,
but he is now in love with a young man he met, and he wants to be
faithful to his new boyfriend...

He had a sad voice, and I felt like a hand was squeezing my stomach.
Nevertheless, I told him I can understand him, and wished him happiness,
from the bottom of my heart.

Orlando does not call me any more. Yesterday, I met Mik who told me that
Orlando is going to England with his lover, Willy, and the man wanted
Orlando to sever all relationships to go live with him, and Orlando
seemed ready to accept it...

So, it is all over then, definitely. I remain barefoot, as I foresaw.
Barefoot.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

So his diary ends.

Dad told me it was over "on all fronts." He told me that with a
seemingly serene resignation. But in reality, I think that something
died inside him.

He completely stopped going out in the evenings. He went to the school,
and then shut himself in his studio to paint. He stopped carving. And
his paintings also changed. Before, his painting always portrayed
people. Although the background landscapes were rich in nice details,
the center was always some person. He always applied a particular care
in painting his gallery of powerfully expressive characters.

Then instead, he painted just empty landscapes, without a single human
being. Some of them were really wide and serene, but that just made them
even emptier. And he used more thin, shaded colors, with less and less
care about the details -- so different from the meticulous care he had
given to his earlier landscapes.

More and more oneiric landscapes.

In 1992, he underwent a series of tests for some troubles he had felt
and thus he discovered that he had cancer. He didn't tell me right away.
He kept it to himself for several months, possibly needing the time to
digest the news himself.

He told me about it around the month of April, more or less one year
after the end of this little diary. Dad tried to comfort me with a calm
resignation. He told me that he didn't want to allow the doctors to
persist trying to artificially lengthen his life. He would only accept
some analgesic if and when he was not able to resist the pain by
himself.

I tried to convince him to go out with us in order to distract him, but
Dad always declined with one excuse or another, at times simply saying,
"I don't really feel like it. I'm all right at home."

He didn't want me to tell anyone about his cancer. Maybe he didn't want
to be pitied, or maybe he didn't want to put his friends or relatives
ill at ease. When people find out that someone they know is near his
death, they won't be able to act normal.

In 1994, he retired from the school, and he only left his apartment to
go to the hospital for the checkups. He continued to paint his empty
landscapes, where he was pouring all his last energies. Each painting
took him more and more time. I think in reality he just spent hours in
front of the canvas, only adding a few strokes once in a while.

He was waiting for his death, and was apparently serene. When I went to
visit him, he didn't talk about himself or about his illness. He talked
about me, you, other friends. And it seemed that about those other
people, only one thought mattered to him, "Is he happy?"

Then, in December of 1994, he checked into the hospital and as you know,
he remained there for four months, until his death on March 23rd. He was
near his sixty-first birthday.

He gave me his last painting, unfinished, with the title "Silent
Pearls." There are three pearls in an oyster's valve, sketched at a
corner of the landscape. I don't know if it is a symbol of something
special... it probably is.

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THE END

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In my home page I've put some of my stories. If someone wants to read
them, the URL is

http://www.geocities.com/andrejkoymasky/

If you want to send me feed-back, please e-mail at

andrejkoymasky@geocities.com

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