Date: Fri, 01 Oct 2004 15:05:14 -0700
From: fritz@nehalemtel.net
Subject: I Love Corey, Chapter Twenty-eight
Here we go again. If you are under the legal age to be reading
stories that could be described as having mature content I must ask you to
leave. I know, it's a drag always having people telling you what to do but
if I don't, someone else will. Probably better I tell you than your
parents or someone from law enforcement. Certainly better than those
religious bigots who are always sounding off on the subject.
Be warned that the following story contains descriptions of sex
acts between males and if you find that offensive I would suggest you
leave. If you stay, don't send me the bill for the medications it takes to
calm you down. I won't pay them.
Now we get down to wondering whether or not stories like mine can
be read in the area in which you live. I really don't know. You'll have
to find out for yourself and if you shouldn't be reading stories like this,
please leave. Of course a good choice would be to move to an area that
allows you to read anything you like. That would make you responsible for
yourself, a concept I approve of. I have grave doubts that big brother is
smarter and can do a better job of taking care of me than I can.
God only knows why but I claim this story as mine. I wrote it.
It's a product of my imagination. Therefore, you may not post it on any
site without my written permission. You may not use it to earn a profit
for yourself. You may not quote from it without attributing such quotes to
me. What's left? Only that I hereby give you permission to read it for
your own enjoyment and entertainment, at least I hope you enjoy and are
entertained by it.
Since it's all made up it's impossible for the characters to be
based on anyone so if you think they are, you're mistaken. Sorry about
that.
Once again my many thanks to Ernie. He not only keeps me on my
toes but never complains about my many mistakes. The many errors that are
corrected due to his work are beyond my ability to count. Besides, I
haven't figured out how to count beyond twenty-one. You know, ten fingers,
ten toes, one... Guess I'm out of appendages. That's what happens when
you're a blond, although what hair I have left is more gray than blond.
(Not that hair, that's brownish)
Feel free to email with complaints, comments, suggestions, or
questions. I try to answer all such emails. If you haven't received an
answer after a week or so you can assume your email got lost in cyberspace.
An aside, my sister sent me one telling me she and her husband were going
on vacation. Got it two days after they got back. Even the snail mail
does that good most of the time. Only had to travel fourteen miles. They
were gone seven days. Be sure to put the story title in the subject line
so I don't delete you. Send such emails to fritz@nehalemtel.net. Hope you
enjoy the following. Fritz
********************************************************************************
I Love Corey, Chapter Twenty-eight
God what a mess. I didn't have any idea of how to get myself out
of this without hurting someone. As I held and tried to comfort Corey, my
mind was awhirl. The only thing was that no matter how hard I tried, no
good answer seemed to emerge. I was sure that if I could just take a break
and let myself calm down and relax it would be easier to think and perhaps
come up with some kind of an idea of what to do. Alas, the events of today
and particularly this evening had left me with a mind that refused to
analyze things and come up with some kind of a solution. It was taking
about all I was capable of doing to just hold Corey and try to comfort him.
I wasn't even doing a good job of that. For that matter, I wasn't even
doing a good job on myself. I'd always tried to teach my students to think
and now I was unable to do so myself.
Corey kept crying and the things he mumbled ranged from angry to
pathetic. No matter how hard I tried I didn't seem to be able to convince
him that LT wasn't going to take his place. He didn't have enough
self-confidence yet to accept LT's presence and not fear it. I tried to
explain that although I thought LT was a nice young man, I had no intention
of using him as a replacement. I didn't desire LT and I didn't love him.
He didn't seem to hear me when I told him that. He kept crying and I kept
talking and we didn't seem to be able to get out of the loop. He kept
saying the same things and so did I. It just wasn't working and I couldn't
seem to think of a way to change that. In fact, I couldn't seem to think
at all. I was exhausted and all I wanted to do was collapse in bed and
sleep but Corey needed me. The problem was I wasn't helping. I couldn't
remember ever being this tired before.
I guess I lost track of time. All there was was Corey and he was
crying and hurting and I couldn't seem to help him. Suddenly I heard some
words. It took a couple of seconds for me to figure out who said them and
what they meant.
"I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."
Somewhere along the way I'd forgotten about LT being in the house.
I mean I knew he was here but somehow that hadn't been important. What had
been important was trying to calm Corey. Now I had another problem and I
didn't think I was capable of solving it. That made two problems I was
having no luck with.
I turned my head just in time to see LT's backside as he ran into
the room I'd told him was his. I could hear his crying along with Corey's.
Oh God, it never rains but what it pours.
I struggled to my feet and carried Corey to my room and laid him on
the bed. Telling him I'd be right back I crossed the hall and entered LT's
room. Things were cascading out of control.
LT was on the bed crying. For the first time I could see the
bruises on his back and sides. It made me sick. He hadn't moved that well
today but I'd had no idea of the severity of his beating. I'd attributed
part of it to the fact that he'd slept on the ground under the grandstand
for two nights. Seeing the mass of bruises made me wonder how he moved at
all.
When I tried to pick him up he kept crying and babbling about how
Corey hated him because he was gay. In fact he seemed to think everyone
hated him because he was gay. I kept trying to convince him I didn't hate
him and neither did Corey. He wouldn't listen. Once again I was having no
luck trying to convince someone he was wrong. No matter how I told him, he
wouldn't accept the fact that Corey didn't hate him because he was gay and
neither did I. I was getting nowhere fast and I still had another sobbing
boy that needed help.
Not being able to think of anything else to do I finally just
gathered him up in my arms and packed him into my bedroom. At least I'd
have them both together so I could talk to both of them. Not that it would
do any good based on my current success.
There they lay, LT in his white briefs and Corey in his school
clothes. They were lying on opposite sides of my king sized bed. I was so
tired and wasn't getting anywhere. I just needed to crash and the bed
looked so inviting. There was plenty of room between them. My mind slowly
processed that. What to do?
Screw it my mind finally told me. I can't handle this tonight.
Maybe tomorrow things will be better. With that thought I went over and
pulled the covers out from under LT and got him tucked in. Going to the
other side of the bed I started undressing Corey. When I finally managed
to get that accomplished I tucked him in too. That left me. I was
beginning to think I'd never manage to get myself undressed but finally I
made it. Leaving my clothes in a pile on the floor I finally crawled into
bed. This had to be one of the worst days of my life.
It didn't take Corey long to assume his usual position. As his
tears wet my chest I tried to tell him we'd solve things tomorrow. I could
hear LT crying and tried to reach him and draw him closer.
At first he resisted but soon he not only moved closer but suddenly
was almost like a left-handed Corey. He was on my other side in much the
same position as Corey. Kissing them both on top of the head I just gave
up. I have no idea of when they stopped crying, I was asleep, or perhaps
unconscious would be a better choice of words. Today had sucked.
My bladder woke me. As I tried to get out of bed Corey was in the
way. In my sleep fogged mind I wondered what he was doing on that side of
the bed but just turned to get out on the other. He was in the way on that
side too. My mind was trying to figure out how he changed sides so quickly
when I finally woke up enough to remember what was going on.
Getting out of bed was a problem but I finally succeeded. I could
hear some sounds from both sides of me and when I made it to the door of my
attached bathroom and turned on the light I could hear bodies stirring
behind me. LT made it first but Corey was right behind him. As LT waited,
hopping around, Corey just pushed right past and joined me at the toilet.
That was too much for LT and he joined us on the other side. I guess
things had been so screwed up we'd all forgotten to relieve ourselves
before going to bed. Glancing at the clock when I finished told me it was
almost three o'clock. When that percolated through my mind I just fell
back into bed and was followed by the boys. They snuggled back up to me
and soon we were again asleep. I'm not sure any of us woke up enough to do
more than just barely relieve ourselves. I sure didn't.
To say the alarm clock was an unwelcome intruder doesn't begin to
describe how I felt when it started its assault. Not only that, I was
trapped between two boys and couldn't reach it. By the time I struggled
out of bed enough to crush the snooze button I was almost awake. So were
Corey and LT. Normally Corey can sleep through it but this morning it had
taken me so long to get untangled that it had even disturbed his sleep.
All of us were wandering around like zombies while we showered and
got dressed. We finally all made it to the kitchen. There was some
leftover coffee which would be about like battery acid but I was so
desperate for caffeine that I went ahead and poured a cup. I felt like I'd
been dragged through a knothole and then run over by a big truck. Awful
doesn't begin to describe it.
Poor LT. He tried a couple swallows of the coffee and then added
some water to his cup. A couple more swallows and he just threw it in the
sink and rinsed his cup. It was pretty bad but I really needed the
caffeine.
When I turned around after starting a fresh pot I could see Corey
and LT eyeing each other kind of like two strange dogs about to fight over
territory. Both looked scared and yet combative. I wasn't sure how to
stop this but something had to be done.
"Hey you guys, will you listen to me?" While they turned their
heads, their expressions didn't give me much confidence that they would.
"Look, we haven't got time to settle things this morning. Will you at
least wait until we've had time to talk tonight before making up your minds
as to what's going on?"
They turned towards each other and you could almost imagine them
snarling.
"Stop it! I asked if you could wait until this evening to try to
straighten things out or do I need to kick both of you in the butt?" The
expressions on their faces told me I'd used a poor, no make that an
absolutely stupid choice of words. I saw fear on both their faces. I
managed to snag them before they could get away and wrapping my arms around
both of them I tried again.
"Look, I know it's hard to accept a sudden change. Will you please
give me until tonight to try to answer your questions before you try to
kill each other?" I had my arms around both of them and they were rigid as
a plank. After holding them like that for a couple of minutes they seemed
to relax a little. I'm not sure if they were listening to me or if I had
them clasped so tightly that they were running out of oxygen.
I'd always known how to solve this problem but was afraid to do it.
It would only take a few words but was the risk worth it and how much could
I trust LT and of course Jason? What I really wanted was time to go back
and reconstruct what Judy Smelling had told me last night. Somehow I kept
thinking there was an answer in her words but was afraid I might have
missed something and she hadn't said what I thought she had or perhaps I'd
misunderstood her. I'd spent so much time and effort trying to protect
both Corey and myself that I was having a hard time believing that Judy had
seen through it as fast as Bob and Carl had. Not only that, if she'd seen
though it why had she recommended the petition to the court. The old
saying "Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we practice to deceive"*
kept going through my mind. Should I just be honest with JJ and LT? If
they said something to the wrong person it would be the end of everything.
Could I take the chance? If I didn't tell them could I come up with some
way to calm Corey and LT down, not to mention JJ? Shit, I didn't even know
how he was going to react to this whole mess.
God I wished I knew LT better. He'd only been in one of my classes
and wasn't in either the Scouts or on any of the teams I coached or helped
with. While he was very likeable that still didn't give me much of an idea
of his character. I just couldn't make up my mind and the longer I waited
the harder it seemed to get.
About then the phone rang. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts and
problems I about jumped clear out of my skin. It was very unusual to
receive a call at this time and I wondered what was wrong now as I moved to
answer it.
As I picked it up words came spewing out so fast I almost couldn't
take them in. It was Judy. It took a few seconds to start to understand
her. When I did I was surprised at what she wanted. She wanted to know if
I could possibly get at least part of the day off and meet her at the
hospital and bring both Corey and LT. That puzzled me. I was trying to
figure out how to answer when she almost begged me, telling me it was very
important.
About the only thing I could tell her was to give me a few minutes
and I'd see. A quick call to Jerry along with an explanation brought the
answer to give him a couple of minutes. True to his word he called back in
a few minutes and told me to take the whole day off and call him tonight
and fill him in. He was going to fill in on two of my classes and the
others would be turned into study halls. When I inquired about the team
practice he said he'd do it but not to expect too much, he'd just run them
through the plays we'd practiced yesterday.
By now I was about ready to just scream. I had so many things
going on and so many problems I didn't know what to do. I was really
worried about what Judy wanted and of course there was still the play-offs.
I still had to decide if it was the right thing to do in regards to telling
LT and JJ about Corey and me. What a mess and I knew if I made a mistake I
stood a good chance of going to jail. In fact, that might all ready be
beyond my control. I was as scared as I'd ever been in my whole life. The
uncertainty of what might happen was really getting to me.
I called Judy and she asked me to bring the boys and meet her at
the hospital about ten. Jason's room was 427 and that was where she would
be waiting for us. My God, three and a half hours of torture. I wondered
if I'd last that long.
All the thinking and worrying came up with no answers. That left
only one thing to do. Fix breakfast, you know, sort of the last meal, like
they serve the condemned. It might be the last good meal I'd have in a
while.
So I cooked a nice breakfast. The only thing was I wasn't hungry.
What was even more surprising was neither Corey nor LT ate much. They
didn't say anything, just kept looking at me like they didn't have any idea
of what was wrong. At least they weren't acting like they wanted to kill
each other. When we'd finished eating and cleaning up the kitchen I
couldn't seem to sit still. I was just pacing around and getting nothing
done. When Corey asked what was wrong I finally realized both he and LT
were just sitting there, looking scared.
"Well guys, guess we might as well get some things settled." I
didn't know what would happen but I knew I could no longer go on like this.
All I could do was hope. "LT, last night you said that Corey hated you
because you were gay. You said that was why he was upset. Do you still
think that?"
LT looked down, finally mumbling yes.
"Do you want to tell him or shall I?" I asked Corey.
"You do it," he mumbled after a few seconds. His voice was so
quiet I could barely hear it. Not only that, his face had gotten pale.
Guess he'd figured out where this was going.
"Corey, are you all right with this?" He thought it over. Finally
he raised his head and looking me in the eye, he nodded yes.
"Well LT, he's worried about your living here but not because he
thinks you're gay. He's worried that you might be taking his place." I
gave him a little time to digest that before continuing. "I need to tell
you that I like you but when it comes to Corey, I love him. Do you
understand what I'm trying to say?" Shit, he got a puzzled look on his
face like he had no idea of what I was talking about. I'd hoped to sort of
let him figure it out without just telling him. I knew if I went any
farther there'd be no retreat. As he continued to sit there with a lost
expression on his face I could see I was going to have to just blurt it
out. "Kind of like I think you feel about Jason."
There, it was out in the open. The reaction from LT was almost
instantaneous. You could just see the dawning comprehension wash across
his face. Not only that, I was suddenly at peace. The tension and worry
were gone. No matter what happened, I'd just have to cope with it but at
least I wasn't paralyzed with indecision. While I might be worried about
how things were going to turn out, at least the horrid weight that had been
crushing me was gone. Now we could go forward. I still had a plate full
of worries and still might end up in jail but I felt better. Silly isn't
it? I mean I might have ended all the things I held dear but at least the
uncertainty was gone. I'd just have to cope with whatever happened.
It was almost hilarious to watch LT's face as his eyes flicked back
and forth between Corey and me. At first there was almost a look of shock
followed by confusion. You could almost follow his mind as his eyes moved.
All of a sudden he started to blush. That's when I decided that I wasn't
sure I wanted to follow his thoughts. His blush made me blush as I knew,
just a surely as if he'd told me, just what he was thinking. When he
started to snicker and his blush deepened I was sure that no more
explanation would be necessary. However Corey was still in the dark. His
face was still as pale as when we'd started.
"Well LT, are you going to be comfortable with living here after
what you've just learned?"
"Yeah," he giggled. "You going to let JJ live here too?" His eyes
had never quit moving and now he was smirking as he kept looking at us.
"I suppose. Of course now we'll have to have `the talk.'"
His blush had died but now it returned, one might say with a
vengeance. In fact his face turned so red it might have been painted on
with the red that clowns use for their makeup. Until I saw that blush I'd
have bet it was impossible to attain a color that red on a human face
without makeup.
About that time Corey figured things out. I'd had an advantage
over him in that I knew a lot more about LT and Jason than I'd told him.
While I'd answered a bunch of his questions, his mind had been distracted
with the Gator and he hadn't inquired as deeply into things as he might
have done at another time. You could see his shoulders relax as he also
started to blush. Well, at least our minds were all on the same page. I
decided I might as well see if I was going to jail or if I might have a few
more days to enjoy life.
"You know if you tell anyone about all this that I'll end up in
jail and you, along with Jason and Corey will be placed somewhere else?
Probably in a group home which is another word for orphanage."
Once again you could almost see the thoughts going through his
mind. The only thing was, this time I wasn't sure just what those thoughts
were. I mean I could see his expressions change but there weren't enough
clues in his expressions to tell just what he thought. I gave him a little
time to think things through and then we finally got started discussing
things. As it turned out I never had to ask for a promise to keep Corey's
and my secret. He volunteered it and the discussion wound up being more
about what he and Jason were going to tell people about themselves than
anything else. Of course the fact that Jason wasn't here to take part in
it meant that no hard and fast decisions were made. However it gave him
something to think about and I was sure that he and Jason would spend lots
of time working out just how they wanted to handle things. There was no
doubt they'd have to think of something that would explain why both were no
longer living at home and accounted for both of their injuries. Somehow I
didn't think they'd be able to keep their sexuality a secret. I didn't
know what rumors were going to go around today but a few snippets I'd
overheard yesterday convinced me that the cat was pretty well out of the
bag. If that proved to be the case I'd just have to try to convince
everyone I could to accept them as they were and not worry about the
sexuality thing. After all, they were still the same people they'd always
been.
It seemed like we'd just gotten started on the discussion when it
was time to go to the hospital. Time which had seemed to drag earlier was
now racing along. We finished getting ready and soon the Gator was purring
along, headed for the hospital.
It was a nice day and I was actually enjoying the ride. No only
that, the Gator seemed smaller today. Last night it had seemed almost
overwhelmingly big. Today it was just big. Perhaps in a few days I'd get
used to its size although if I switched back and forth between it and the
Ranger I wasn't sure about that. One thing was sure, I wasn't used to
sitting so high in the air. It seemed like I could see forever down the
road. It almost made me feel like king of the road, a feeling I'd have to
watch. That kind of thinking could get a person hurt.
Judy was waiting when we got there. She shooed me into a waiting
area while she took Corey and LT into JJ's room explaining that she wanted
to talk to the boys and would soon be out to talk to me. While I'd relaxed
somewhat after coming out to LT that didn't mean I was calm. As the
minutes crawled slowly past my nerves once again tightened. I was becoming
very nervous by the time she joined me.
"Sam, you've surprised me again," were the first words out of her
mouth when she came walking into the small area I was waiting in. Those
words did nothing to calm me down and instead of continuing she went over
to the vending machine and got a Pepsi. While she was doing that all I
could do was sit and wonder what I'd done to make her think that. Once
she'd settled herself in the chair across the table from me she finally
went on.
"I wouldn't have believed you could calm LT so quickly. I expected
him to still be an emotional wreck. Instead he seems to be accepting
things far better than I ever hoped or believed possible." With that she
just looked at me, clearly waiting for a response.
I had no idea of what to say. She'd taken me by complete surprise.
After thinking for a few seconds I offered a somewhat weak reply.
"Well, we had a nice talk this morning." I knew it sounded lame
but I still wasn't sure of what she'd implied last night. My mind had been
in such a turmoil that I still hadn't put everything she'd said together.
"I'll bet," she snickered. "I wish I could have heard it." She
paused and took a swallow of her Pepsi. "Relax Sam, I'm on your side."
Now what the hell did she mean by that? If I thought I was
confused before it was worse now. This whole bizarre situation was like an
episode of the Twilight Zone. No matter how I tried to make sense of it
there were too many things I didn't understand. With all she'd found out
about me I should have been in jail at the least. The fact that I wasn't
and instead was looking at taking on two more kids to worry about didn't
make any sense. I just wished I could understand what was going on.
"Why?" I suppose I could have asked any of a number of questions
but that was the one that would help me make sense of what was going on, at
least I hoped it would.
Judy didn't answer right away. She instead leaned back against her
chair and seemed lost in thought. Her face took on a wistful look and when
she started speaking her voice had the same quality.
"My Uncle Milt died just before I graduated from college. In fact,
he was the one that helped pay for it." She paused, as if thinking about
how she wanted to continue. "He was the kindest, most gentle man I've ever
know and I worshiped the ground he walked on. He was always there for me.
He was a writer and he lived close to us. Mom worked long hours to try to
make a living. That meant he was the one I turned to because he was almost
always home. He answered my questions and never made fun of the crushes I
told him about." She took another sip of the Pepsi and seemed to think
before resuming her story. "I guess I was about nine or ten when I asked
him why he didn't have a wife. He explained he didn't love women, he loved
men. I was too young to really understand but he treated me like an adult
and spent a lot of time helping me to understand what he was trying to tell
me."
"Mom was divorced and my father never managed to pay much child
support. Uncle Milt helped Mom so that my sister and I could at least have
a few nice clothes and a little spending money. When it came time for
college he came up with enough money to help my sister and when I was old
enough, me. He wasn't wealthy but made a comfortable living from his
writing." There was another long pause. She suddenly looked right at me
with an intense gaze.
"Did you know I was just about to remove Corey from his mother when
you entered the scene?" That took me by surprise. Before I could answer
her eyes returned to the table between us and she continued her story.
"I'd decided I wanted to be a social worker. I wanted to help
kids. When I told Uncle Milt he said he wanted to talk with me when I
graduated." She took another sip of her Pepsi and sighed. "He didn't live
that long. He had AIDS." Her eyes were just staring at the table but I
didn't think she was seeing it. I wondered if I should say or ask
something when she didn't say anything for a couple of minutes but didn't.
Somehow I just knew it would be better to leave her to her thoughts.
"Three weeks before he died I spent one whole Sunday with him... I
learned a lot about my family that I'd never known. Whenever the subject
of our family came up Mom wouldn't talk about it. All I'd ever known was
that Mom didn't get along with them and neither did Uncle Milt. While I'd
made lots of guesses over the years I didn't really know. He explained
that he was the reason Mom and my grandparents didn't get along." She
looked up. "He was almost five years younger than Mom. When he got kicked
out for being gay Mom helped him. When Mom's marriage broke up he helped
us."
There was another pause for a sip of her Pepsi. "It was one of the
best days I've ever spent. I learned so much about my family and about
life. He told me about when he was young and the things he and Mom did.
He also told about when he figured out he was gay. He had no one to talk
to. He said Mom tried but she couldn't answer some of his questions. Most
of his friends didn't want to be around him anymore." There was another
long pause. "He made me promise that if I ever had some boy that was
having problems with his sexuality I would find someone who could help
him."
Suddenly her eyes were boring right through me and her voice
sounded more like a drill sergeant's. "Don't screw this up Sam. I'm way
out on a limb. I should have your ass in jail according to my bosses but
I've always been somewhat of a rebel. In all the time I've worked for
Children's Services I never found someone who I thought could help. When
you crossed my screen, well, you looked like just what Uncle Milt needed
when he was young. You connect with kids. Not only that, I think you
really want to help them. If I didn't think so you'd be behind bars.
You'll never know how long I worried about you and what to do about you."
Her eyes went back to the table and her voice was once again soft.
"Corey'd come to my attention and while I was getting all the information I
needed he suddenly changed, all for the better. I decided to hold off
regarding his mother and all the information that kept coming in showed he
was suddenly growing mentally and emotionally, not to mention socially.
Officially I've got no idea of what's going on, but I'm not dumb. When I
interviewed him that night it only took a few seconds to tell he was madly
in love with you. When I'd ask him a question about you his eyes would
just light up. Watching you watch over him during dinner told me you felt
the same way. I'll admit I have no understanding of some of it but the
change in him was remarkable. When LT and Jason were thrust into
Children's Services I decided to take a chance. They both seemed like they
were on the road to being like a lot of the boys Uncle Milt told me about,
lost and never finding their way... Ending up battered, abused and dead.
You owe it all to Uncle Milt." She paused again and then looked at me with
a little smile. "I think he'd have liked you."
I couldn't think of a thing to say. I'd thought that Corey and I
had managed to cover our tracks but now I knew differently. Not only that,
now I wondered if last night had been what it seemed? Suddenly I wouldn't
put it past her to have deliberately neglected to ask me if I would act as
a foster parent. After all she did have a pretty big club to hold over my
head. Then again she might have been still checking me out and last night
had been some kind of a test. If it was a test, apparently I'd passed.
Looking at my cold coffee I got up and went and got Judy another
Pepsi and another coffee for myself. I needed more time to think.
Things all seemed clearer now. Well actually just the last couple
of days but those were the days that had been filled with such uncertainty.
As I sat there thinking about what Judy had said I wondered if I could live
up to what she wanted and expected of me. I mean I'd never had any
training to be a parent. What made me an expert? As I contemplated what I
was now embroiled in I was finally forced to conclude that I wasn't an
expert and all I could offer was that I'd try, really try. Why? Because
the boys deserved it. Things suddenly became clear. I worked hard at
being a good teacher because the students deserved my best effort. The
boys deserved no less.
"Shall we go and see them now?" Judy's voice interrupted my
thoughts.
When I looked up she smiled at me.
"You've made your mind up. I think you're ready to talk to them
now. I can see it in your face."
Judy was right. I was no longer undecided. I was ready to try. I
was sure there would be times I failed but not because of lack of effort.
I just hoped I wouldn't goof so badly that it had a lasting affect on any
of them.
As we walked into Jason's room I could hear LT's voice, "You do
what?" fallowed by some giggling. I wondered what they were talking about.
When we stepped around the corner and into sight Corey's face turned bright
red and JJ and LT's were only slightly less so. I'd never seen such guilty
looks in my life. I decided I didn't really want to know what they were
talking about. I was afraid that it might be considered too much
information.
After a few minutes Judy said she had to get back to her office and
that she'd drop some papers off tonight. When she left the boys started
asking me questions about what would be expected and what rules they had to
obey. The one subject they never brought up was one I was sure was burning
in their minds but they couldn't think of a way to work it into the
conversation. I wasn't ready to answer it yet so I didn't help. They'd
just have to wait until I gave them `the talk'. Thinking about that made
me realize I'd never given Corey `the talk'. It just never seemed
necessary. I guess now I'd get three for the price of one.
When they brought JJ's lunch, and Corey and LT drooled over it, I
knew it was time to go find something for them to eat. Poor JJ, he'd just
have to survive as best he could until we got him home. I will say that
the food looked slightly better than what Corey had been served when he had
his knee operated on.
Lunch was enjoyable. The boys had burgers and fries and I had fish
and chips. We talked about what LT needed in the line of additional
clothes and things. By the time we finished we decided to see what Judy
could do about the rest of his things. All she managed to get yesterday
was a suitcase of his clothes. There was none of his other personal
things.
A quick stop at her office produced a promise of some of his
things but not much. Also, she accompanied us to JJ's house and we
gathered up everything that looked like his. Judy filled us in on the
police's search for his parents, which had produced no results so far,
while she was filling in a list of the things we were picking up. I
learned the police had all ready searched the house for information and any
clues they needed. All and all the afternoon was busy and not unpleasant.
LT's face was priceless when I made him take Jason's stuff on down
to the last bedroom on the main floor. He'd just gathered up an armload of
Jason's stuff and acted like it went in his own bedroom and looked wounded
when I pointed out there was a bedroom for Jason. I'm going to have to
watch him, he's smart and sneaky. He's also a good actor if that look of
wounded innocence is any indication. Even Corey was snickering over the
acting job LT put on.
Once JJ's things were put away it was time to consider what to have
for dinner. I knew we'd have to go shopping because we needed milk at the
least. Looking through the fridge told me we needed more than that. Salad
supplies were low as was the orange reserve. Then something for dinner
would be nice. While I could make it through dinner, breakfast would be
out.
When I told Corey we had to go shopping he groaned. LT wondered
what the problem was and as Corey explained that we'd get the third degree
from Mrs. Downie we drove to the store. Of course Corey was right. She
caught us at the meat department. I introduced LT and for the next ten
minutes we answered most of her questions. She'd also heard some of the
strange rumors floating around. I'd have to call the inquisition a draw.
She got most of the information but we managed to keep any talk of
sexuality out of it. A couple of times it seemed like she was going to
drag something out that would make it obvious but between the three of us
we succeeded in changing the subject.
In some respects I don't know why we tried to cover it up. The
reasons would come out and LT and JJ were going to have to accept that. I
guess I just wanted to give them a little time before it happened. Maybe
that would give them time to figure out what they were going to say. I
knew we'd have to talk about it tonight because tomorrow at school LT was
bound to get tons of questions.
We were just about to check out when my cell phone went off. It
was Judy. The doctor had decided to release JJ today instead of tomorrow.
That changed plans rather quickly. I was told to get some of his clothes
and pick him up. She'd be there handling the paperwork.
We hurried home and unloaded the groceries. I took a quick look at
his clothes and instead grabbed a set of my sweats. They were a lot softer
than anything he had and although they would be a little big, they should
be about as comfortable as anything could be. His slippers should be
enough to complete his outfit and with that I left Corey putting groceries
away with the help of LT and headed off to get Jason.
I could see Judy talking to someone at admissions when I walked
into the hospital. I walked over to her and when she noticed me she told
me to go on up and get Jason dressed and she'd be up in a few minutes.
I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised that it took almost
forty-five minutes for her to get there. In the life of hospital billing
offices that's probably only a few minutes. I remembered Corey's bill from
his knee surgery had been forty-seven pages and that didn't cover anything
except the hospital. All those pages take time so what else could I
reasonably expect.
Judy was grumbling about the billing procedure. Some of the things
she said concerned didn't they think the State would pay and since they'd
sent them bills before and why did they have to go over the same old
information for the umpteenth time? I couldn't help but think that some of
it sounded just like some of my gripes about all the paperwork the school
required.
Before we could leave we had to wait until the doctor could stop by
and explain how to care for JJ's wounds. He eventually showed up and
explained and gave me a prescription for a pain medication for JJ. I guess
I shouldn't complain, it only took two hours from the time I'd arrived to
get him in the required wheelchair and leave. Then there was the problem
of getting him comfortable in the Gator. I suggested he might like to lie
in the back but he wanted to sit in front and once he was in and buckled
up, we left.
LT, who'd made it clear he was more than disappointed when I
wouldn't take him with me to get JJ, had JJ's door open about the time I
got the Gator stopped. Seeing the look of concern on his face and the
somewhat sappy grin on JJ's almost caused me to burst into laughter. Both
of them had that "I'VE JUST DICSOVERED LOVE" look. You know what I mean,
the silly little grins when there's no reason and the fact that their
attention was exclusively on the object of their affection. Seeing that
made me wonder if Corey and I had acted the same? I started blushing just
thinking about it. Perhaps we hadn't been as circumspect as I'd thought we
had. After all, there were at least three people, that I knew of, who'd
seen right through us. Wondering if there were more was a sobering
thought.
When JJ was standing he didn't move too badly. It was just getting
from the sitting to the standing that seemed to create problems. You'd
have thought LT was a nurse or something judging by the way he hovered
around, trying to figure out how to help. Once JJ was in the house though,
he didn't want to sit. Instead he gingerly lowered himself onto the sofa
and, in what would be considered almost comically slow motion, if one
didn't know the reason for it, finally stretched out on his side.
It was time for dinner so I started it. When I had a few free
minutes I called Jerry and filled him in. I ended up telling him that I
thought I ought to leave LT and JJ home tomorrow to give them some time to
get used to things and perhaps begin to come to terms with what had
happened to them. When we finished bringing each other up to speed on what
was going on I hung up and continued cooking diner.
When dinner was ready I encountered the first problem. JJ wouldn't
be comfortable sitting at the table so we ended up in the living room. The
second was that neither JJ nor LT had ever been offered wine. They were
not only surprised but it took some explaining about what I considered the
proper use of alcohol. As I was going through my usual admonishment of
using too much alcohol Corey added to it. I just stopped and listened to
him. When he finished I was happy because he seemed to have understood the
lectures I'd given him on the subject, namely, be very careful of how much
you drink. Limited amounts are okay, more is very bad. When he added that
they shouldn't have more than one drink a day I decided he'd really
listened to me.
JJ finally gave up and just kneeled beside the coffee table. That
way he could use both hands to cut his steak. He didn't have any problem
eating all of his dinner. In fact none of us did. The biscuits I'd fixed
disappeared at an alarming rate. I might have to add another cup of flour
the next time I make them.
When dinner was over and the dishes in the dishwasher it was time
to start talking things over. I started out to give `the talk' and even
got through a few things like fellatio and frottage. I don't know which of
us blushed the most. If one could figure out a way to convert the heat
given off from our red faces one could probably power the whole world for
quite a while. LT and JJ were curious but it was just too much too soon
for them. Red faces expressing shock and embarrassment, along with lots of
giggles slowed the conversation down. I just gave up and let them talk
about what ever they wanted to. I was sure that the subject would come up
again. Maybe when we were all more comfortable with each other some of the
embarrassment would no longer be there.
Soon we were covering what they would tell their classmates. When
I pointed out there seemed little chance of keeping things quiet that
brought lots of concerns and worries out. Upon explaining why I felt that
way they agreed. I mean, if it had only been one of them there might not
have been much of a problem but with both having the same problem at the
same time it looked suspicious. The fact that they were best friends
wouldn't help. I kept trying to point out that a lot of people wouldn't
care and the ones that did probably didn't matter. I hoped I was right.
By the time it was bed time about all that had been decided was they knew
they wouldn't be able to keep their sexuality a secret so they would have
to try to live with it and if it got too bad maybe they'd have to move and
start over in another school somewhere.
As we were heading for bed I told JJ and LT maybe they ought to
stay home for a couple of days. LT could help JJ and it would also give
them a little time to think things over. I really hated to leave JJ alone
in his present condition and besides, it would give them a little time
alone to try to sort their feelings out. I wasn't too worried about
anything sexual happening because JJ was too sore. Besides, they would
engage in some kind of sex someday and I didn't see any way to stop it.
About all I could hope for was that they wouldn't hurt each other either
physically or emotionally. If I could help them discover themselves and
give them some advice that kept them from hurting each other I'd be
satisfied. Some people might think those were modest goals but to my mind
they were not only big but important goals. Only if I was successful in
helping them reach those goals could I hope to help them develop into the
people they were capable of becoming.
As we walked towards our respective bedrooms Corey turned and
headed into mine. The smirk that formed on LT's face and the slight turn
he made as he continued down the hall towards JJ's bedroom brought a
chuckle from me. I reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. He
stopped, turned and looked at me.
"I think maybe you ought to consider giving him a chance to heal up
a little. Besides, you probably need to visit Rosy Palm and her five
sisters," I told him as JJ disappeared into his room.
He turned a bright red and wouldn't meet my eyes. I couldn't help
it. No matter how I tried to control myself the laughter inside me just
had to get out. Poor LT, he looked like I just ate the last piece of candy
and he was starving. I just wrapped my arm around his shoulders and
escorted him into his room. Sitting him down on the bed beside me I just
continued holding him.
"LT, you're going to have lots of opportunities to have sex. JJ's
back and butt are badly bruised and as you know there's some lacerations.
Do you think you could give him a chance to heal up a little before you try
something? After all, I don't think you want to cause him any pain." I
waited a few seconds before continuing. "You guys can talk about it
tomorrow and decide things like that. Remember, he's pretty tired tonight.
Give him a chance to heal and rest a little."
I didn't get an answer but decided I'd done all I could. Giving
him a hug and a kiss on the forehead I started to leave. When I got to the
door I turned. "Don't rush it. Give each other a chance to get used to
things and it'll all work out." I got a little smile from him as I turned
and left.
Next stop, JJ's room. God, here I was acting like some kind of an
old mother hen. These kids were in their teens. They probably didn't need
me checking to make sure they got into bed but I couldn't help myself. I
wanted them to know I cared and wanted to help them and since they didn't
really know me all I could do was let them know in the only way I knew how.
I gave a couple of knocks and waited. When he told me to come in I walked
in to find his naked butt just disappearing under the covers.
"Would you like me to get you another one of those pills Jason? It
might help you get to sleep."
He seemed to consider the question before telling me he didn't
think he needed one but asked if I could get him a glass of water and a
pill and put it on his nightstand in case he wanted it later. That didn't
take long and when finished I wished him a good night and gave him a kiss
on his head. He was on his stomach so about all I got was hair but I hoped
it would make him feel that he was still loved. I knew I needed to be
careful so that LT and JJ didn't get the wrong impression, thinking I
wanted something sexual from them but felt they needed to feel that someone
cared for them. I hoped I could figure out a way to hit the right balance.
If I didn't I might screw them up. Telling him to be sure to wake me if he
needed anything I headed for my room and what I was sure was a waiting
Corey.
I walked into my room and there he stood, facing the door where I
came in, a look of fear and sadness on his face. While normally I'd have
taken a shower tonight I needed to comfort Corey so I just wrapped my arms
around him and guided him to the bed. It didn't take long to get him
undressed and in bed and I quickly joined him. I rolled him into his
favorite position with his head on my chest before I said anything.
"Corey, I know you're scared but so are JJ and LT. They just had
their whole world torn apart. I think they feel about like you feel when
your mother disappears, scared, lost, worried about what will happen to
them, and alone. I think you're worried that I might love them instead of
you but don't worry, it ain't gonna happen." I squeezed him a little
tighter and kissed his head. "I love you and while I like them, that's all
it is. They'll never take your place. They can't because I don't love
them in that way. Can you understand that?" A couple of sniffs was all I
got for an answer, along with a few tears dripping on my chest. I wondered
how I ought to continue.
"Please listen to me Corey. I'm just a simple math teacher. I'm
not full of fancy words and phrases to tell people things; all I can do is
speak from the heart. The only thing is when it comes to love I've never
really had much experience. I wish I did but you're the first person I
ever fell totally in love with. I didn't know it before but the others I
thought I was in love with didn't make me feel the way you do." I kept
wondering if there was a way to make him understand. The thought flashed
through my mind that I wished I was a poet so I might come forth with some
lines that might perhaps tell him how much he meant to me. Right after
that a poem I'd studied in high school came to mind. It was probably a
little too old for him but I decided to give it a try.
"Corey, I studied a poem when I was in high school. If I can
remember it all, it went something like this."
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
in my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death."**
I waited a few seconds before I said anything more. "Do you think
you understand what she tried to say?"
There was a pause and finally he shook his head no. I couldn't see
it but I could feel his head move on my chest.
"Well, I think when she said the depth and breadth and height my
soul can reach she meant that no matter where her lover was her soul was
seeking him, wanting to be with him and love him so that they could be
complete. When she said sun and candle-light she probably meant that it
didn't make any difference what time it was, she loved him. When she said
she loved him freely she meant he didn't have to earn her love, just like
you. You don't have to do anything to earn my love. I just love you.
Nothing's going to change that. I'll always love you." I was about to
continue when he suddenly shifted his position and gave me a big kiss.
Somehow it wasn't sexual, just loving. As he dropped his head so it was
once again on my shoulder I heard a sigh.
"I think I understand now."
I just continued to hold him, gently rubbing his back. I could
slowly feel the tension leave him and it wasn't long before his breathing
steadied. He was asleep.
It took me longer. As I lay there a lot of thoughts went through
my mind. Corey was so fragile in many ways. It probably was a result of
his seeking love from his mother and never being sure just how she felt.
Her taking off and leaving him must have been extremely frightening. I
knew I needed to help him become confident of his place in the world but
now with the addition of LT and JJ I wondered if I'd have enough time for
all of them. In many senses they seemed to be coping better than Corey.
Was it because they hadn't really come to terms with what had happened yet
and when they did would I be able to help them? Perhaps the love they felt
for each other would carry them through. The other side of that was did
they really love each other or was it just infatuation? Only time would
tell but I was pretty sure they didn't know the difference between the two
yet.
Other things were how would they be accepted by their classmates
and could they handle the fact that there probably were some who would hate
them because of their sexuality? That was another thing that could only be
determined with the passage of time. How would the students react to them?
Would their friends still accept and talk to them? As I lay there enjoying
the feel of Corey's warm breath as it gently moved across my chest I
couldn't help but be afraid. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to give them
the proper help. Afraid that there were some who would do things to hurt
them. One thing was sure, I needed to talk with someone and ask advice.
Judy was stuck with that. She was the only one who I could talk to. Well
maybe Uncle Matt. I wasn't sure how he'd react. Somehow I thought he'd
figured out about Corey from our phone conversations but couldn't be sure.
He'd always seemed to understand me better than anyone, in fact there were
times he seemed to know what I was thinking and feeling before I did. I
suddenly remembered Bob. He could help. Now I had two, maybe three people
who could perhaps help me. I was comforted with that thought. Maybe I
could get through this.
To be continued.
* The quote "Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we practice
to deceive" is from Sir Walter Scott's poem "Marmion".
** Elizabeth Barrett Browning's poem "How Do I Love Thee? In my
opinion it is the most beautiful expression of love anyone has ever
written. Love is one of those things that words don't seem to do justice
too. While her poem might not cover everything, in some minds, it comes
the closest of anything I've ever read. If you think you know of something
that comes closer, write and let me know what it is. In the meantime read
it through and really think of what she was trying to say. While I could
have written several more paragraphs about what I think it means, everyone
needs to figure out what it means to them. Fritz