Date: Thu, 17 Aug 2000 07:38:05 -0700 (PDT) From: "Michael Davidson, II" <ageismfree@yahoo.com> Subject: "Larry's Love" Part 02 by "Michael Davidson, II" Larry's Love Part 02 By "Michael Davidson, II" Ageismfree@yahoo.com DISCLAIMER: This story is a work of erotic and romantic fiction involving teenage and adult males. All the usual rules apply. If you shouldn't be reading this, then don't continue, or at least try not to be caught. COPYRIGHT NOTICE: This story is copyrighted August 2000 by the author, who retains all rights. You may distribute or copy this story however you like PROVIDED that this copyright notice remains intact and that you do NOT change the story in any way. I give it freely to all, please continue on that way. DEDICATION: This story is dedicated to Stephen, who was the real Larry in my life, upon whom this story is based. A place in my heart is reserved forever for you, my little grasshopper. I am more grateful than I can say that we still know and respect each other. Even across all the miles and the years. NOTE: I write this series using the name of the only actual Michael Davidson. A British journalist and author who died in the 1960's, he blazed the trail for men who love males from other generations than their own. His book, "Some Boys" and his amazing autobiography called, "The World, the Flesh, and Myself" are 'must reads' for anybody interested in this topic. All those who have received his legacy of self-awareness, truth, and proud honesty will never forget him. Constructive criticism, comments, suggestions, and questions are all gladly---no---EAGERLY accepted! I answer all emails. I might even answer flames, if they're interesting enough. Although I may copy them to all and sundry as well. Please send to me at ageismfree@yahoo.com I am thinking about perhaps organizing a Listbot notification service for this story. Please email me and let me know if you're interested in signing up for something like that. If there's sufficient interest, I'll go ahead with it. Oh, by the way, several readers noticed that I called Larry's brother two different names in Part 01. Very sorry about that folks! I'll try to proofread more carefully, I promise! And his name is Gary... Larry's Love Part 02 So there we were in my car, Larry with his hand in my crotch as he fondled and explored my erection. We were heading the last mile into St. Johnsbury to go shopping. I was almost having an out of body experience, I think! And 24 hours ago, I had no idea that there would be a 14 year-old boy doing this to me. Or that I would be realizing that I was gay and loving what he was doing. I hadn't had a clue that my non-specific yearning for love would turn into this. Hell, I'd never even had sex before, and I'd lived a quarter century without wondering what was wrong with this picture! To put it mildly, I had been a little detached and closed off from my emotions... But all that had been changing yesterday and this morning. My life was being turned on its proverbial head, and we were now going into the city to buy groceries and do other mundane- seeming errands. Larry kept giving my hard-on experimental squeezes and rubs to see what reactions my body would produce, and grinning at me the whole time. It was sometimes a tentative smile, kind of out of the corner of his mouth, because his head was cocked a bit sideways as he studied my face for reactions. He seemed to be shy one minute, and more self-assured the next. I suppose he was having at least some of the same mix of reactions that I was! I noticed that I could only see one of his smile dimples from that angle, and felt deprived. On the other hand, I WAS supposed to be keeping my mind (and my eyes) on the road! That white-blond hair, those smoldering violet eyes, that perfect 14-year-old body in those cute baggy blue gym shorts (now making a pup-tent themselves), the warmth of his hand in the center of me, all conspired to prevent my undivided attention to the road ahead. So I was lucky I didn't have an accident my first day on the job. Unless this situation constituted an accident all by itself... "So, do ya wanna go right for the groceries, or do the other stuff on your list first, Rev?" Oh, I wanted to go right for something, all right! My `To Do' list had suddenly expanded along with the erection in my jockeys. What to do first...hardware store? Kissing Larry's perfect lips? Food Town shopping? Strip Larry naked right there in the car and devour him? Set up that bank account? Try to grope him back? Try and muster the wherewithal to tell him to cut it out and then run away screaming from the scene? Nah, I dismissed the last idea, although doing that made me feel guilty. To put it mildly, my thoughts were racing! I found it remarkable that Larry could be thinking about the original purpose of our trip at all, given the fact that we had just discovered that I was gay and that he had been afraid I knew he was too. Let alone the groping thing, which was of course continuing to be the most delightful distraction of all. A few moments before, Larry had been terrified that I would out him to his parents. Now I was frightened of what might happen next. Scared that this was all some gigantic mistake. Afraid of what he might do or say. But he sounded happy as a lark. Ah, the resilience of youth... "Umm, the list.umm, yes, Larry, the list. is in my pocket.I forget right now what else I wanted to buy." I shifted in the Ford's bench seat, trying to keep a bit of normality in my driving posture, but also trying to give him better access to my dick. I'd say that last was an unconscious intention, except that I'd be lying. I might really have been oblivious to my wants and needs a few minutes ago, but I sure wasn't anymore. I was pretty certain about what I WANTED to do, but I had only just begun thinking about what I SHOULD be doing. Or not doing. Pretty intense internal tussle going on there, huh? "Something got you distracted, or what? Which pocket is it in?" Larry asked with an innocent air. There was also a wicked gleam in his eyes. Uh-oh... Mentally, I cringed with a strange mix of excited anticipation and real dread. ""Right pants pocket, right next to.umm.your hand..." I gulped as he squeezed my erection once more through the loose material of my khakis. "Ok, then, let me get it for ya..." he chirped, and he moved that hand from my hard-on to the pants pocket. Groping around in there, he found what he was after, for sure. "Ah, let's see, there's some change here, and some sort of lint or something. Umm...Oh! What're these?" With that, Larry's palm in my pocket was encircling my balls, cradling them, rolling them around in their sack inside my underwear. "Err, Larry, I'm trying to drive." My voice almost changed octaves like his was apt to do, and my foot spasmed involuntarily a bit, causing a small but noticeable surge of acceleration on the gas pedal. Larry giggled and kept doing what he'd started. My legs continued to twitch uncontrollably as I tried to pay more attention to the driving. "Whoa! Sorry, Rev, but this is sooo cool! Making you hard just touching it, making ya jump like that. I never done this before, ya know! Plus you've got pretty big ones. Bigger than mine, anyhow. Course, I might catch up sometime..." His voice sounded breathy, excited. Just like I was feeling myself. He had moved more to the middle of the bench seat, closer to me for better pants access. I thanked God the Ford Dealer hadn't been successful in selling me the bucket seats instead. "Oh, ok, here's a piece of paper..." He extracted the list, and thankfully he didn't cause another kind of emission from anyplace else right then. "I've never had this sort of thing happen to me before either, Larry. You're taking me a little by surprise, here, you know? I can't think straight!" I glanced sideways at him as I continued trying to drive into the outskirts of St. Johnsbury. He just giggled again, and with a twinkle in his eye, he said, "Straight? Yeah, right..." I have to admit, that made me bark a little laugh as well. It seemed to break the tension. So Larry stayed right next to me in the front seat, his left side now pressing into my right side. I loved it. Although I still wanted to be able to think about it all with better focus. Well, sometime, at least. Larry thought for a few seconds, and then continued speaking. "Me too, Rev. I mean, we do have ta think about all this, I guess. But I don't wanna just think, ya know? You said it was ok for me to, you know, umm...feel you. I never did that before. I've wanted to for the longest time! And you're not mad! You like it, you said. I could tell you like it...right? I feel all happy and kind of excited inside. Maybe this is what the guys at school mean when they talk about why they like to get blitzed on beer!" "Larry, I do like it. A lot, actually. But I think it's maybe a bad idea to get into anything like this." Actually, I wasn't sure about that at all. I mean, I knew it would be bad to get caught. I knew it would be bad to have anybody find out about it. I knew I didn't want to get into trouble. I was sort of thinking the same things about Larry getting into trouble, too. I didn't want either of us to make any mistakes that would rebound on either of us later on. But I wasn't getting all noble about my idealistic intentions. Nothing like that! I was also feeling swept along on the raging tide of my own newly released sexual feelings. Just like Larry, I was feeling giddy, drunk almost. As anxious as I was about all the deeply held secrets I had been telling to Larry (and admitting to myself at the same time), I had an unbelievably strong desire to never have either of us stop what was happening. And of course, Larry could tell what my underlying feelings were, despite my words to the contrary! So maybe what I was labeling a `bad idea' was my giving up the strict controls I'd always had on my emotions and my thoughts. I wasn't used to thinking about throwing caution to the winds. I was much more accustomed to keeping myself above the fray; my feelings were much more used to being kept in neat and tidy boxes, high on shelves in my psyche, untouched by others or myself. Then, Larry brought me back to Earth again. It was becoming a habit for him to have that effect on me. He said, "I know. I'm really afraid about my parents finding out about me being gay and all. But I never knew that talking about it with anybody would feel so great! Touching you, talking to you...well, it's soooo cool! I can't believe I'm doing it, and I don't wanna stop. I wanna do, umm, well, more stuff, too... Don't you?" Oh, God, yes! Did I ever want to--more than anything else I had ever wanted in my entire life. I glanced at him as we approached the first red light in St. Johnsbury. As we glided gently to a stop behind the car in front of us, I turned so I could look him right in the eyes. For the first time, I tried to sink into somebody's soul, to really make a connection beyond words. Larry said no more, but returned my look with unblinking intensity. His hands were now folded in his lap, probably because we were now inside the town limits of St. J. But our bodies and our hearts were touching. We could feel each others' heat and each of us could see the other's need for connection. And he was looking as deeply into my eyes as I was trying to do with his. I spoke. "Larry, you know how much I want to be with you, to get to know you, to learn more about myself. About us. You do know that, don't you?" "Yeah. I think I do. It's weird, cuz nobody else ever wanted to before. I mean, with the being invisible thing and all. You looked at me yesterday, and I could tell that you were looking at me differently than other people look at me. I liked it. Well, really, I umm, loved it. And this morning, I was kind of hanging around after I left you the newspaper. I was hoping that maybe you'd come out and we could talk. I thought about you all night. I didn't sleep much. I didn't really know why. I just needed to see you soon, that's all. I was hoping you would like me as much as, umm, well, I like you..." He then looked at the red light and said, "Green...turn right, and the parking lot is right up there..." I think he was a little nervous about saying so much, even though he had just had his hand so forthrightly in my crotch. "Right turn, then Food Town. Larry, thank you for liking me. I can't believe it either, really. But I think we do like each other. I mean, I really like you a lot. It means we trust each other already with some pretty big secrets, though. Are you ok with that?" I was pulling into a parking space in the huge Food Town Parking lot. Not too full, what with this being a weekday and all. "Jeez, Rev, remember when our biggest secret was that you were going to pay me for the papers? Shit God Almighty...!" And he giggled at me. I shook my head and laughed a little myself as I got out of the car. "Yeah, that seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it?" We both got out of the car on the driver's side. He'd been closer to me than to the passenger door anyhow. Then we started to make our way into the shopping mall, staying as close together as we could while we walked. I forgot to worry about how that might look to an observer. He laughed like a loon. "Four hours in the life of the Rev and the paperboy! Maybe somebody like Asimov can write a book about us! Anonymously, a course..." We continued side by side as we walked. We each tried to make little moves and motions to keep body contact as we went. Inside, the business of shopping carts was sorted out. Larry pushed the cart while I pulled things off the shelves as we went up and down from row to row. As the cart filled, we made inane conversation, filled with insider sexual innuendo. This mop handle was `pretty long and hard', that kid over there wasn't `cute' at all, this bag was `big and bulgy' as Larry pretended to feel it up. It was intimate. The two of us were alone in our own little universe, involved only with each other, having great fun. Two elderly ladies observed us at one point, and we heard one say to the other, "Oh, Sarah, look! Isn't it lovely to see a father and son enjoying themselves together so nicely?" Sister Sarah nodded and smiled at us warmly. Larry looked up at me and batted his eye lashes as he took my hand, and said, "Awww, Dad, Jeez..." I found myself blushing beet red and fighting the urge to flee immediately. But I was able to muster a flustered smile at the two harmless old ladies as we continued past them. Larry then leaned into me and muttered, "God, you must have been a pretty young father!" and giggled, still holding my hand on the cart handle. We rounded another corner to the next aisle in the supermarket's layout, now more than halfway through the store, and were abruptly hauled up short by a woman wider than she was tall. Her cart was piled high with a mountain of canned goods and supplies, and she had to look sideways around it since she couldn't see over it. And she ran right into our cart. "Why, bless me if it isn't Larry Russ! How are you? And who is this with you?" Her voice boomed out of her like she had a mike hidden inside the vast bosom of her housedress. Larry's hand leapt out of mine, and we jumped away from each other in fright. Larry looked at me, panic and confusion flickering across his face. Automatic responses took over, thank God. I stepped toward the squat loud woman, extended my hand and said, "Karl Gardner, ma'am, please call me Karl. I'm new in town. Well, new in Walden, that is. Larry is showing me around St. Johnsbury this morning. He's a great tour guide!" I tried to sound much more enthusiastic about meeting her than I felt at that moment, and hoped for the best. "Oh! Pastor Gardner?! The new minister?!" That boombox again. My own voice sank lower in reaction. "Yes, that's right, ma'am. But please, call me Karl. And you are...?" "Why, Pastor Karl, I'm Helen! Helen Hyde! Your organist and choir director, bless me if I'm not! Isn't it wonderful meeting like this!" Everything sounded like she was directing a cheerleading squad with a bullhorn. People were looking as they went past, and they were certainly able to hear every word she exclaimed. "Yes, it surely is wonderful... What a nice surprise..." I responded lamely while lying through my teeth. Thinking frantically about how to disentangle us from her as quickly as we politely could. "Well, Pastor Karl! Do you have time for a cup of coffee and a chat? I'd LOVE to get more acquainted! There's a good diner right here next to Food Town, and it wouldn't take but a minute to walk over there!" I could just barely hear a tiny squeak of alarm from Larry above the din of Helen Hyde's foghorn of a voice. "Well, Mrs. Hyde..." "Miss! Never had the inclination to get married, that's what I always say!" "Right, Miss Hyde..." "Call me HELEN, Pastor!" She announced it as if it was on a PA system. "Right, Helen, well, actually, Larry and I have quite a few things left on our `To Do' list for today. I just arrived yesterday, and...." "Oh!! Right!! Never mind, then!! Why don't I just drop on by the parsonage later and we can have our chat then, shall I?!" I wondered if perhaps she might be a little deaf, and not realize what her volume levels were. That would certainly be quite a drawback in her profession, not to mention in my church services! "Yes, Helen, that would be perfect. Let's do that. I'll meet you sometime later on, before Sunday, for sure. Pleasure meeting you... Looking forward to working with you... Come on, Larry, let's get a move on..." and we scurried off like frightened rabbits down the isle, without giving Helen Hyde another chance to yell about anything else. Larry said, "Oh my God..." "Who IS that woman?" I said under my breath, imagining Miss Hyde's eyes beating into our backs as we went. Although they probably weren't. "She's the music teacher at the High School, too. She always shouts like that. Everybody makes fun of her. But she's ok, I guess. I think maybe she's lonely because she's an old maid lady. But I was sooo shocked to see her here! I hope to hell she didn't see me holding your hand..." It was my turn to mutter, "Oh my God..." And we were much more subdued and circumspect as we finished the shopping and went through the checkout process. I was mulling over the realities of small town life in an entirely new way now. And, I suddenly remembered I had invited her to visit my house sometime! When would she show up? I realized that she could `drop by' literally any time. The church office was in my house after all, and I hadn't yet had the chance to announce any office hours or anything like that. I had never even noticed that I wouldn't be able to `go to work' and `come home' like ordinary folk. I worked where I lived, and there weren't any natural boundaries between them at all. Ye Gods... Putting the sacks of groceries in the back of the station wagon, Larry asked, "What next on the list?" And rubbed up along side me as he did. I slung my arm over his shoulder casually as I shut the back of the car. Well, I was hoping it looked casual, since I couldn't seem to keep myself from touching him either, despite what had just happened in the store! "Hardware store, I guess, Larry. I gotta buy a hammer and some other bits, so I can have a tool box for fixing things." I had never been handy like that, but I was suddenly certain that I'd rather learn how to take care of stuff like that myself around the house, so I wouldn't have to be invaded by well- meaning mechanics and Trustees or the (now Dreaded) Church Ladies. Plus, I suddenly remembered, one of that last little group was Lilly Russ, Larry's mother... "Umm, Rev, you got a took box already..." "I do?" "Yeah. I saw it in the barn, near the lawnmower when I put it away last Saturday. Looks like a pretty big one, too." "Oh. Ok. I'll have to take a look at it..." I made another realization. Practically everybody knew what was in my house and home more than I did myself yet. It was still a strange notion to get used to. As we got back into the car, Larry asked me if there was anything else on my list. "Yeah, there is. Where can I get some binoculars?" I had added them to the list when I realized I could see the windows in Larry's house from mine last night. "Hmmm. Not sure. Maybe the Army Navy-Store downtown. They're pretty expensive, I think. What do ya want those for?" "Err, well, umm...(thinking frantically)... Birds. Bird watching. I like watching birds..." And with that, I flushed red again. Larry looked at me strangely, noting the discomfort in my voice. "Birds? Really? Sounds pretty boring to me. But it's up to you...Oh! I got some old binoculars at my fort. You can borrow those if ya want." And cocked his head at me the way he does. "You do? Oh, ok, sure. That would be good." I was thankful he hadn't twigged to the fact that I wanted to scope out the windows in his house. Then I asked, "You have a fort?" "Yeah. I built it ages ago. Kind of like a hideout. It's in the woods out back, sort of between your house and ours. It's pretty cool. I even made it watertight. And nobody knows where it is, cuz I camouflaged it pretty good and nobody else has ever been inside it. I got a Coleman gas lamp and made myself a bed in it and everything. You wanna see it sometime? I sleep out there whenever I can, even in the winter cuz I got a neat little gas heater and everything. Gets me out of my house. I hate it in my house..." I thought about it for a few heartbeats as I started the engine and left the parking lot. "Yes, Larry, I'd like that. I'd like to see your hideout very much. I might need a fort myself when people like Miss Hyde come calling! Plus I want to learn everything I can about you." We smiled at each other, and started to swim in each others' eyes again. "Ok, nothing else on my list right now, then. Home and lunch?" Larry scooted over next to me on the seat again as we started out. "Yeah, good idea. It'll be noontime when we get back. I'm hungry! What'll we do this afternoon?" He assumed that we were going to be together all day. Well, I hadn't thought about it, but it occurred to me that I didn't want him to go home either. So I said, "Well, I have to work on my sermon for Sunday. And I have to figure out the typewriter and the mimeograph machine so I can do the stencil for the Sunday Bulletin. I'm sure I have books and records and cassettes you'll want to sort through." "Cool!" Larry exclaimed with enthusiasm. "I can hang out while you work on the boring minister stuff?" I chuckled. "Yeah, sure, why not? I don't want you to go home either, What day is it today, anyhow?" Larry laughed at me. "Duh! Wednesday, Rev. What planet did you come in from yesterday? Are you some sort of alien or something?" I smiled back at him. "Not sure, really. Yesterday seems like such a long time ago. I do feel way different than I did yesterday! Now it's five or six hours in the life of the Rev and the paperboy, huh?!" Larry's eyes began smoldering again, and he reached over and took my hand. He pulled it over and put it on his lap, and started playing with my fingers softly. I didn't mind. I could drive with one hand on the wheel. We were back on the road leading out of town, and the euphoria Larry produced by his action more than obliterated any anxiety about being seen by those in passing cars. I also suddenly realized that the back of my hand was not only in his lap. It was resting on the soft mound of Larry's genitals inside those blue gym shorts. I could also feel the incredibly soft skin at the top of his thighs. Those completely new sensations sent little electric thrill shocks through me. I gripped his fingers hard, and he looked up at me. "What?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know, Lar...I just like you so much, and I've never felt this way before now." "Yeah, Rev...I know what you mean. I never held anybody's hand before. Why do you like me? You don't know much about me yet. What if you don't like something about me later?" He suddenly looked worried, and gripped my hand tighter as well. Which inadvertently pushed it down into his crotch more heavily. "Why do I like you? Well, you're beautiful, for one thing. I never saw anybody who looks like you do. You glow or something." "You think I'm beautiful? Really!?" His voice cracked as he said that. It was terrifically cute. "I think I'm kind of skinny and geeky looking. No muscles or anything. I don't think I'm gonna end up handsome like you. What's beautiful about me?" "I'm handsome? What makes you say that? I never thought of myself as handsome at all. I'm sort of average looking, if you ask me. I wasn't ever as gorgeous as you when I was younger..." Larry's brow knit together in thought as he continued stroking my hand in his lap. "You think I'm umm, like...beautiful and gorgeous. You don't know that you're handsome. This is getting weird..." I had my thinking cap on as well. "Maybe we don't think about ourselves the same way that others see us. Don't other people tell you how good-looking you are?" "Yeah, right! My brother Gary bullies me and calls me puny, weak, and stupid cuz I don't want to bash people around playing football and getting into fist fights like he does. My father ignores me, except for telling me what chores he wants done, and then he complains cuz I never get anything done good enough. My mother...well, never mind, my mother doesn't even see me, I think. I'm invisible to her. Nobody ever told me I'm good-looking, so it's a little hard to believe. I don't know anybody that really likes me..." "Larry, try and believe me! I like you for sure. And not just because you're terrific looking, either. Although you are! From the first time I saw you, I was amazed. It made me feel like I couldn't take my eyes off you. I couldn't even concentrate on what the Church Ladies were talking to me about very well. They had to keep repeating themselves because I was always looking around for another glimpse of you. Then I got all flustered and nervous because I didn't want anybody to know what I was thinking about!" "This is pretty strange, Rev! You were staring at me, I remember that. I told ya before. But I thought there must be something weird about me or something. I never thought that you might be lookin' cuz you liked me! And I was thinking that you were sooo handsome... And you were being nice to me. All that stuff made me shy, too." "Larry, you keep saying I'm handsome. I'm very glad you think so, but nobody ever called me handsome before, either. What's handsome about me?" My curiosity and amazement caused me to overcome any shyness I might have felt about asking that question. "You're tall. You got a sexy smile. I like your hair, it's so curly and all. And the little hairs on your arms give me goose bumps when I touch `em. You got a great body, too! Well, as much as I've seen or felt so far, at least." He giggled and waited for my reaction. I just smiled and kept listening, trying to concentrate on what he was saying. "And you really listen to me and think about what I say. Just like you are now. Right from the beginning, you did that. And the way you look at me makes me so hot! That's why!" "But I'm so much older than you! Don't you think I'm some sort of dirty old man or something?" "Nah, never. I don't think kids my age are sexy at all. The guys I like are almost always older than I am. Well, maybe a few of the bigger guys my age are sexy. But usually, I think that kids are just kids, ya know? They're not sexy to me. You're my type, I guess." Then he blushed and looked out the window before saying anything else. "Jeez, I never told anybody that before. Is it ok?" And then he looked over at me hopefully. "Well, I guess you're my type too, Larry. I've always thought younger guys were really much more attractive than people my own age. And I never told anybody that before, either. So we're even." "Really? But I'm just a kid. Maybe you'll get bored with me. I don't know a lot of adult stuff like you do..." "Larry, look!" And he did, because my voice was raised a little. "I can't imagine ever getting bored by you! You're the most exciting thing that's ever happened to me in my entire life! You helped me see what I really am. Plus, you're really brave to tell me everything about yourself like you are. I could never have done that first, like you did! You're wonderful. Everything about you, and not just your looks. Really. I want you to believe me!" Larry took another long evaluating look up at me, and snuggled up closer to me on the seat. He kept my hand in his own lap with one of his, and the other reached over and lightly ran his fingertips up and down my arm. I was the one with goose bumps right then! Then Larry grabbed onto my thigh and held on. "Ok, Karl, I'll try to believe you. But you gotta try and believe me, too. About you being handsome and sexy, I mean. Deal?" He squeezed with both his hands. I squeezed back, feeling the hardness under his shorts for the first time. "Deal, Larry. I guess we have a lot to teach each other." My thumb found the head of this erection and rubbed on it softly as I spoke. Even though I was so nervous about it that I couldn't look directly at him right then. I couldn't help touching it like that, I swear. Obsession was beginning to take the place of isolation and disconnection. Larry groaned quietly, and pushed his crotch up into my hand. We just touched and stroked each other's bodies as we pulled into Walden, and turned into the street our houses were on. The Town Square was on our right as we passed the Post Office and two houses before pulling up into my long driveway. We looked into each other's eyes as I switched the ignition off. It was suddenly so quiet that we could hear each other breathing. One of my hands was still fondling Larry's hard penis. Then I placed the other one on top of his, the one that was stroking my thigh. I couldn't seem to get myself moving, but I did manage to say, "Well, shouldn't we get the bags into the house?" Larry just kept himself in place next to me. But he said, "Yeah, I guess we should..." And he didn't move either. It was going to have to be me to break the intimate connection we'd made in that car. It was the last thing on earth I wanted to do. But I eventually did it. I simply said, "Ok, then, in we go..." and opened the car door. As I got out, he pulled himself out my side just as he'd done in the supermarket parking lot earlier. I think it was mostly to keep touching me. I found it re-assuring somehow. We were quiet as we opened the back hatch and gathered the grocery bags. I opened the screen door and nudged the solid wooden inside door open with my hip. It wasn't locked, of course. It hadn't even been shut completely. Had I really left it ajar like that? It felt strange, very unlike me. But so was everything else today. Larry came in behind me with another load of bags. We put them on the kitchen counter and table, and I turned to go get the rest. But Larry grabbed onto me as I took the first step past him, and hauled me into a huge hug. I lost track of what I had just been about to do, pulled him the rest of the way into me and squeezed tight. One hand was around his waist, the other holding the back of his neck and pressing his face into my chest, just below my shoulder. We just held onto each other. Neither of us spoke for the longest time. Then Larry whispered, "Don't let me go. Don't ever let me go. I think I really do love you..." Tears started to form in the corners of my eyes. I tried to blink them away, but they started to overflow. I took a deep breath that turned into a soft sob. Larry lifted his head from my chest and looked at my face. Tears were trickling down his cheeks, too. I just tried to smile at him through the mist of my emotion, and he put his head back into my shirt and heaved a big gusty sigh. We hugged each other tighter, swaying a bit in each other's arms. I found my hands stroking his hair and his back. He grabbed onto my belt for better purchase and held on for all he was worth. Our breathing eventually became less ragged. I was at a loss about what to say or do next. I really didn't have a clue about what the requirements of the moment might be. So I fell back onto practicality. I raised Larry from where he had been resting himself pretty solidly on my larger body for support. I looked down at him and said, "Let's get the rest of the stuff out of the car, ok?" He stepped backward a step, and wiped his forearm across his eyes, and softly said, "Ok." We went out and got the rest of the bags, and brought them into the house. He helped me unpack them and find places for everything in the kitchen cupboards and shelves. Neither of us spoke until I asked him, "What about lunch? You pretty much know everything we have available..." Larry smiled at me a bit lop-sidedly, and set about making himself a sandwich and finding himself a soft drink and some chips. He looked at me, asking with his eyes what I wanted for lunch. I just nodded and said, "Make it 2 of everything, the same." I found myself totally engrossed with watching every move he made as he got it all ready. Then he cleared the table, and brought everything over. He was very efficient and neat about it "Where do we sit?" he asked, uncertainty in his voice. I hadn't thought about that, having sat at the table only a couple of times myself. So I said, "Up to you. Where would you like to sit?" He took the seat facing the porch door, and gestured vaguely at the chair next to him. Not the chair opposite, I noticed. But since I totally approved of the seating arrangements, I smiled and said, "Good. Let's make these our regular places from now on, ok?" Larry looked up at me from the paper napkin he'd been busily unfolding. It was his most direct eye contact since our teary hug. "Ya really mean it? We can have regular places here at your table? I can eat over like this more?" His voice sounded extremely anxious but boyishly eager at the same time. I tried to sound re-assuring. "Well, I certainly hope so! I want you to feel at home here. I really do. My place is your place, too. Ok?" Larry's relief visibly washed over his face as he beamed at me full force. "Great! I was kind of nervous that you didn't want me around so much, after I got all sloppy on ya. You got real quiet, and I couldn't tell what you were thinking." "I got sloppy too, you know? It's unusual for me, but it's ok. I'll try and say what I'm thinking more, too. Ask me questions if you think I'm too quiet. And get sloppy all you want. It can be another one of our secrets." "Ok. Can I ask ya something now?" "Of course. You can ask me anything you want, anytime. Well, anytime we're alone in private, I mean. What's the question?" "Umm, when I told you, you know, when I said that, umm, I loved you? Why didn't you tell me you loved me back? I was afraid you don't. Love me, I mean." And then he blushed and looked at the food on his plate. I admit that I was surprised at the directness of the question. A little shocked, even. I tried to hide my reaction, though, and also tried to think of what I was going to say. "Jeez, Larry...I don't know what to say about that. I never loved anybody before, not like the way you mean it. I want to say I love you back. I think maybe I do. But everything is so new, so strange. I'm not sure what everything I'm feeling about you means. You understand me?" "You mean you don't know if you love me or not? But, you said...You said you liked me, and that you couldn't take your eyes off me...And you got all hard, and you touched me down there, too. Doesn't that mean you love me?" Oh, God. What if I only lusted after him, I wondered. I couldn't force myself to talk about the distinction between love and horniness. I mean, I wasn't all that clear about it myself. I had never believed in "love at first sight", and now it might actually be happening to me. Then out loud, I said, "I know what you're trying to say. Really I do. And you're brave to talk about it with me like you are. I'm pretty sure I could never do that without you helping me talk about it like you are. It isn't that I don't love you, but I'm confused about everything. I don't know what's the right thing to do or say with you." "But, WHY are you confused? I'm not confused! I know what I'm feeling, and I never felt it before either, ya know." He was becoming agitated. "Lar, I don't know why I'm confused. I wish I wasn't, believe me! Just give me a little time to think about it all, and talk with you more. Ok?" "But, what if you end up not loving me? Then what'll I do? I want to know! I don't want you to be confused!" The anger and frustration he'd told me he felt so often was loud and clear. His deep blue eyes were flashing fire. "Oh, no! Please don't get angry with me! That won't help me. It makes me afraid, Larry." And I was the one whose eyes focused on the remains of lunch on my plate. But at least I'd managed to be completely candid with him. "You're afraid? Of me? Why? I'm just a kid..." His anger evaporated as he tried to take in what I was saying to him. "Larry, I'm just trying to tell you everything I'm thinking, like I said before. I don't want to make anything up with you. I don't want to get too quiet. I want to get it right. It doesn't matter that you're younger than I am. If we're going to be friends, and maybe more, then we have to be equal. Completely and totally equal. And that means yeah, I'm afraid of you. Afraid of hurting you, afraid of disappointing you, afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing. I'm even afraid of being hurt BY you! I'm afraid of lots of things. Especially lots of things about you and me." "Equal. Wow. But, we can't be really equal, can we? You're an adult, I'm not. Right? I don't care about that. I just want you to love me like I love you. Then I'll be fine. Equal doesn't matter to me..." "No, Larry. Love has to be equal. You have to feel as strong as me, if we're going to be in love. I've never been in love before now, but I'm sure about that, at least. We both have to be equal about the decisions we make, equal about, well, about everything, really." "Strong? I'm never gonna feel as strong as you do! What do you mean?" "I don't mean just physical strength, Larry..." And he cut me off in mid-sentence. "I KNOW ya don't mean muscles! I mean, you're strong in lots of ways I'm not. You know how to talk to people; you know how to live on your own. You finished school already, you have your own money and your own house and your own job. You don't have to live with your parents and do what you're told all the time and be at their mercy. How can I be strong like you with all that?" Well, he had me there. I wasn't nearly as up to speed with all the implications of a relationship with a 14-year-old boy as Larry himself seemed to be. I was going to have to think a lot more about what `equal' meant between us. Then I said, "See, Larry? I never thought of all those things before. You have already. In some ways you're stronger than me, I think. You know what you want. You have the guts to speak up and say what you need. You trust me already. That means you're strong. Very strong. I don't think I am. I'm usually pretty careful and cautious. I'm not used to saying things I think and feel like you can. I'm afraid of things." "You're afraid about loving me?" He looked astonished at the idea. "Yes, I am. A lot. Not just about loving you, though. I'm just learning that maybe I'm afraid to love anybody very much. Look how much I didn't even know about myself!" Larry was suddenly restless. He wriggled around anxiously in his seat, and said, "Look, Rev, can we go sit somewhere else? Like the living room maybe? My ass is completely asleep in this chair!" I blinked and just nodded. He'd taken me by surprise again with his spontaneity. I was focusing so much on what we were saying that I hadn't realized that both my legs had gone to sleep, too. I pushed myself away from the table, and steadied myself with one hand as all those pins and needles started shooting into my feet. Larry got up with me, but waited to take my lead about where we were headed. I shuffled into the living room as my feet stopped feeling like numb clubs at the end of my legs. I took a seat at the end of the living room sofa, facing the office space through an open wooden archway. Larry started to sit down next to me, but stopped to kick his sneakers off first. Then he just laid down on the rest of the sofa, his head in my lap, looking up at me. He started stroking my arm again. He really did like what little hair there was, I guess. But it flustered me, and muddled my thoughts again. I nervously looked out the window we were nearest. I asked softly, "Can anybody see in here, do you think?" Larry raised his head to look out the window. "Not unless they were right outside there, trying to look in on purpose. We'd hear them coming first. The white curtainy things aren't transparent, ya know. Well, at least not in the daytime. Maybe we should pull the other drapes at night." I took a second look at the sheer drapes that covered the window, framed by the heavier curtains on either side. Then I said, "Good point. If you hear anybody coming, though, you'd better sit up. This would look pretty strange, wouldn't it?" Larry was paying scaresly any attention to the worry in my voice. He kept stroking up and down my arm. But he did (in a kind of dreamy sounding voice) say, "Ok, Rev. You're prolly right. If somebody comes, maybe I should go hide in another room?" "Good thinking, Larry. Sounds like a sensible plan to me." "Where should I go?" I had a sudden flash of insight! Light bulbs exploded in my head. Sort of casually, I said, "Why, I think you should just go to your room, upstairs. Right?" And smiled down at him. "Huh?" Larry's brows knit together. He didn't understand what I was getting at. "Well, remember what I was saying before that we need to be equal?" "Yeah..." "So I have a room upstairs that's mine. If this house is really going to become your space, then you have to have a room, too. Someplace in this house where you can go to that's all yours. Just like me. Equal." I was proud of myself for having thought of it. "You mean, I can have a room of my own here? Like with a bed and everything?" "That's exactly what I mean. All three bedrooms upstairs have beds in them. You can have whatever you want in your room. You can even put a lock on the door and not give me the key. So it's private, just for you." "Whoa. This is intense..." And his eyes started to focus inward, breaking contact with mine. His hand didn't miss a beat, though. It stroked slowly up and down my arm, soft and steady. It might have been unconscious, but I guess he needed the continuous physical contact. Not that I minded in the least, of course! Then he blinked and looked into my eyes again. "Can I ask a question? Well, two questions?" "Of course." "Ok. Well, what about my parents? And how am I supposed to get into the house if the outside doors are locked and you're busy or away, or something? Can I only come when you're here, or what?" This kid didn't miss a beat: my thoughts were racing to keep up. "Well, you should have a key to the house. You said everybody and his brother already has keys anyhow, right?" "You're gonna give me my own key? What if you don't want me to be here sometimes?" "Like I said, we have to be equal. You have to be able to come and go whenever you want, whether I like it or not, whether I'm home or not. See? Equal to me." I hadn't thought of the key thing myself, not until he asked about it. I was just about as stunned as Larry looked. But I felt certain about this, despite realizing just how much of an adjustment it was going to be for me. "This is amazing, Rev. My own room and my own key...It's gonna be strange getting used to, ya know?" But he hadn't said no. That was music to my ears. "Umm, Karl?" "What?" I asked. 'What else hadn't I thought of?' was what I was thinking as I answered. "Somebody's gonna be sure to see me coming and going like that, with my own key and all. You better give me keys to the barn and the back door, too. I can come in from the back that way. Kind of in the same direction as my fort, ya remember?" I nodded at yet another sensible suggestion that I hadn't thought of. "Good thinking, Larry. You're pretty smart, did anybody ever tell you that before?" He blushed the loveliest shade of rose, and said, "Yeah. A few teachers I guess. Miss Hyde once. But...I didn't believe `em... I'll try to believe you, though." And he looked very earnest. "Good. Well, let's go find those keys. I haven't sorted them all out yet, but they must all be on that huge key ring in the kitchen. And then we'll go upstairs and you can pick which of the two bedrooms you want." He didn't move as I tried to shift my weight off the couch. He looked like he had more questions. So I let my weight fall back down onto the cushion. And then I said, "What else?" "What about my parents?" I must admit that I was stumped. So I said, "We'll just have to think more about them. We can't figure out everything all at once. I trust you to sort that out. You know them better than I do. But I think we shouldn't tell them about your key and your room, right?" Larry giggled a little as he said, "Like, DUH! Of course we can't tell them. They'd kill me. Or maybe they'd kill you first. I dunno about the order. But we'd both be dead pretty soon. And that'd be without them even knowing about the gay thing, either!" "Ok. So, another bunch of secrets between the Rev and the paperboy who now lives here too?" "Yeah! For sure!" Then his brow furrowed in thought again. "Can I ask another question?" "You've been pretty good with your questions so far. Shoot!" "What if I don't wanna sleep in my own room?" It was my turn to be perplexed. "What do you mean?" "Well, what if I wanted to sleep, umm... like, in your room with you? Can I?" Danger, Will Robinson, danger! That was the phrase that ran immediately through my head. I had loved the TV show "Lost in Space" forever. I always thought it was due to the show being an early attempt at Science Fiction on screen. But of course, that young actor Billy Mumy was very cute, wasn't he? All this shot through my head at the speed of light, so Larry had to ask me again. "So, can I?" "Larry, you're going to be able to say what happens in your room. That makes it truly your room, right?" "Yeah, but..." I over-ruled him this time. "And that means I have to be able to say what happens in my room, the same as you. And I don't know if I'm ready for you to sleep with me in my room. I still need to get used to things slowly." Of course, I was pretty certain that I wanted him to sleep in my bed with me! I just wasn't sure if it was a good or a bad thing. Remember how cautious I tend to be? "But what if I said I wouldn't try and fool around unless you say first? What if we just slept?" "I said I'd think about it. Maybe I'd want to fool around too. Well, I'm pretty sure that I WOULD want to fool around. So we both need to think and talk more about it first." Frustration flew across his face again, I could see it. But he suppressed it. I could see that, too. Then a mischievous grin began to tug at the corners of his mouth, as he said, "So maybe we can fool around down here on the sofa. You know, like neutral territory? How about that?" And he pressed the back of his head into my crotch. My dick sprang to life immediately; with such a surge it almost made my head spin. He pressed backwards again, and turned his body toward me on the sofa. Both arms could roam over most of the front of my body, and his face was now buried in my groin. He blew some air outward, and I could feel the warmth. The sensation rushed through me. Right down to my toes. Larry could tell what effect he was having on me. He was enjoying his newly found powers. He started moving his hands around on my sides, up and down my ribcage and across my chest. Then he said, "You smell sexy." His words were distinct; although muffled due to the position he was in. My hands had involuntarily started to stroke the back of his head. His hair. His ears. His neck. And he snuggled deeper into my crotch. A soft hum, almost a coo-ing noise started to vibrate all through me. Larry was producing that sound. Amazing. One of my hands started to stroke down his back toward his perfect butt. It was almost as though I was observing an incredibly sensual movie. I didn't feel entirely attached to myself somehow. Then thoughts began to race through my mind. Firstly, I realized that I was being seduced. And I had just tried to say `not yet'. I was incredibly turned on, but I found myself a little irritated, too. Shocked that my own body could betray my logical mind so easily. And irritated at Larry, as well. Then my eyes raced through the room, and focused on the open windows again. What if somebody had come along right then, I wondered? That frightened me enough to forcefully lift Larry off my lap and sit him up next to me. His face was flushed. He was almost panting with desire. His erection was as obvious as my own must have been. But I tried not to let my gaze wander down there. I focused on looking him straight in the eye. "No, Larry. Not like this. Not here. I'm scared, and I'm confused. I'm not ready. I just told you that a little while ago." Frustration was evident in his voice as he sarcastically remarked, "Well, you seemed ready right then!" "Larry, just because I have a hard-on doesn't mean I'm ready in my mind." "But why?" he cried. I mean he was suddenly crying. Just like that. "Because we both have to be ready in our hearts and our minds, and not just with our bodies. That's why." "But I AM ready..." He was pleading for acceptance through his sobs. "Larry, believe me, I know you are! And maybe I'm not that far behind you in my own feelings. But I have to be sure. I'm the kind of person that has to think about things a lot first. I keep trying to explain that to you. That's just the way I am. About everything, not just this with you. I'm sorry, and I don't want you to get mad. And I really don't want you to leave. Everything I've been saying still stands. About your own room and your own keys, so that we can be equal. I want us to be equal. You have to want me to be equal to you, fifty-fifty. You have to let me be equal to you, too. Please try and listen to me, the same as you like it when I try my best to understand you!" I could see Larry attempting to stay calm and think along with me. I could also see how much of a struggle it was for him. He turned his body more in my direction, so he wouldn't permanently damage his neck by having to keep twisting it to look at me. But he crossed his arms, looking a little defiant. Then he spoke. "Ok. I have ta be equal, and you gotta be equal. I get that part. But why do you have ta think about everything so much? That doesn't feel very equal to me!" I felt more assurance in myself about this than I ever had. I was certain that I was right, which was another new feeling for me. "Larry, being equal isn't the same as getting everything you want, right when you want it. We both have to want this exactly the same. We have to decide about things together, not one of us first. How would you have felt if I had reached over and groped your cock this morning, right off, without even getting to know you? Without even asking your permission?" "I prolly would have loved it and jumped yer bones!" He was still defiant. "I'm being serious. You would have had every right to punch me right in the nuts and yell for the police or something. Am I correct about that or not?" Larry blinked, and he wasn't crying anymore. He was back on track, thinking along with me. Even though I could tell that he didn't like it very much. "Yeah, yeah, you're probbly right. You're always right!" "Stop it. I'm not always right. But neither are you. You just tried to jump my bones right here! It's the same as if I'd done the groping thing in the car, like in my example! You were trying to seduce me, and I'd just told you I wasn't ready." "But what if you're readier than you think you are? I totally KNOW that you love me the same as I love you!" He did seem awfully certain himself, which gave me pause. I tried to listen to him, too. Just like I'd demanded of him. I thought about it for a few seconds. Then I nodded affirmatively. "You might be right about that. I might really be in love with you. In fact, I probably am, I admit it. I sure as shit really liked what you were doing. I also freely admit that I've been giving you mixed signals or something. But that's not the point." "Huh? What IS the point, then?" "In my car example, you have to be able to say yes and no freely, without me trying to get you to do something you're not sure you're ready for. Right?" "So I can't try to weasel you into something, either? Until you say you're really ready first?" "Exactly. Perfect, right on target." "But why aren't you ready? I know you got the same feelings as me. I don't know how, but I just do. I know I'm right about this! So why shouldn't we just let ourselves do what we wanna do?" "Larry, even if you are totally right, I still have to see it for myself and say I want it too. That's my whole point." "Ok, I understand that part. But why don't you know what I know about both of us wanting this? Equally, just like you said? I like it, I know you like it. I love you. I'm pretty sure that you love me, too. I know we're both guys, so are you telling me that gay guys shouldn't do it? I've been reading that gay people are starting to protest and march and stuff, for their rights. Right? Or is it that you think it's bad to want to do it with a kid? Even if I know I want it the same. Maybe even more than you!" "Well, that's all part of it, I'm sure. I know what you mean. You've known you're gay a lot longer than I have. I just don't think this is a gay thing. I'd be saying the same thing if you were a girl." "Really?" "Really. And even if you were a girl the same age as me. So it's not anything about our ages, or that we're both guys. Well, maybe it is partly, because that's all stuff I have to get used to. That, and the fact that it's against the law! Plus we just met each other yesterday. We really don't know each other that well yet, even though we each know secrets that nobody else in the world knows." "I already know I'm jail-bait! I hate that! So what does all this mean, then? You sound right, but I know what I'm feeling..." "It means that you knew what you wanted before I did. It doesn't mean we should do anything about it so fast. Even though we both want to. You ARE under-age. You could get into big trouble, and I could get into an even worse mess. And besides, don't your teachers and parents and the other students talk about dating and falling in love and getting to know each other really well before they start umm...fooling around?" I blushed. I couldn't believe we were talking like this. I couldn't believe how often I had begun to think I couldn't believe any of this. Larry slumped into his side of the sofa, and a lot of his animation seemed to abruptly abandon him. "So, what do I have to do? Do I leave you alone until you say you're ready? Do I have to wait until I'm legal? Do I just go back to being invisible? Like none of this ever happened? Like we never talked about being gay and liking each other? Do I have to try and not love you so much?" He started to tear up again. I hated that. A lot. "No, I didn't mean that. At least I'm pretty sure I don't mean that. I just want us both to be careful and think about what all this means, that's all. Before we do something that we might regret later. Maybe we can avoid making mistakes by trying to think ahead. If we screw up, we can't go back and fix it. I DO like you, a lot. You were right when you said you could tell about that. Otherwise I would never have let you touch me in the car, and I surely wouldn't be inviting you to move in here with me, would I? And I do NOT want you to try and stop loving me!" Larry perked up, and turned to me again. As he did it, he spread his legs on the sofa, and I could see the bulge of his genitals inside his shining white briefs through the gap he was deliberately making appear in his gym shorts. He did it on purpose that time. He saw me glance down there, and he giggled. "Caughtcha lookin', Rev! Mine's still hard, like yours was!" Then he reached out his hand to the one of mine closest to him, and his voice got soft. "So is it ok if I keep trying to talk you into it? I want to." "You KNOW I probably want to, too! But what have I just been saying to you before?" I was feeling a bit frustrated (the understatement of the year.), so my voice was more forceful than it had ever been before with Larry. "God, Rev, this is really hard, ya know!" He was still impatient and frustrated, just the same as I was. But then we looked at each other, and realized the ironic double meaning in what he'd just said. So our voices rang out in unison, "Hard!!!" And we started laughing together. The pressure eased for the moment. The rest of the afternoon passed swiftly, as we each gave the other some space to think. I went ahead and puttered around in the office area, learning how the typewriter and the mimeo machine worked, locating the paper supplies, and unpacking more books and files. Larry did as I suggested, and started digging around in my records and tapes and figured out how the stereo worked. He seemed content for the moment. I suppose we both were, just by being in each other's company. Neither of us was out of the other's sight much, I do remember that. We also sorted the keys and he put his new ones onto his key chain. He decided which of the bedrooms he wanted. That one was easy to predict. He took the one closest to mine despite the fact that the one at the other end of the upstairs hallway was bigger and had more windows. We found the extra sheets and blankets and pillowcases, and made up the double bed. Although he jokingly said he would never want to muss them up. Then he added something about "...unless we muss them up together..." And he laughed right in my face. He said he didn't want a lock on his door. He invited me in whenever I wanted to come. He said he probably wouldn't even close that door when he was in there, so I could feel perfectly free to go inside. I refrained from comment, but enjoyed him being so outrageously enthusiastic! We made half the shelf space in the bathroom his. The lower shelves, so he could reach everything. Towards the end of the afternoon, it started to get dark outside, and Larry pulled the drapes closed all over the downstairs area, and I turned some lights on. I was half-trying to concentrate on the sermon notes, sitting at my desk. Larry was playing some more music. "Karl, can ya come here for a minute?" "Sure. What's up?" I was grateful that I could give up attempting to focus on that damned sermon right then! "I was just listening to the words of this song. Do you know them?" And he lifted the needle and swung it to the beginning of the song. Simon and Garfunkel started singing. "Yeah, of course I know this song! I love this one! And I started singing along with the lyrics... `A winter's day, in a deep and dark December...I am alone. Gazing out my window to the streets below, on a freshly fallen shroud of snow. I am a rock...I am an island. I've built walls, a fortress steep and mighty, That none may penetrate. I have no need of friendship: friendship causes pain. It's laughter and it's loving I disdain. I am a rock...I am an island. Don't talk of love, when I have heard the words before. They're sleeping in my memory. I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died. If I never loved, I never would have cried! I am a rock...I am an island. I have my books and my poetry to protect me. I am shielded in my armor. Hiding in my room, Safe within my womb I touch no one and no one touches me... And a rock feels no pain... And an island never cries..." As the music faded away, Larry lifted the phonograph needle. I expected to hear him say something about how well I sang. But he didn't. He took me completely by surprise yet again. I should have been better prepared... "Umm, Karl? Are you like the island in this song? Is that why you like it so much? Cuz I gotta tell you, sometimes you're sort of rocky and hard." This time, neither of us laughed. I kind of fell into the over-stuffed armchair beside the stereo. He'd hit me right between the eyes. We both knew it. I didn't have to answer him verbally. He pursued the point. "Have you, like, cried and been in pain and stuff like that before, or something? Like in the song?" "Lar, I don't think so. I haven't ever loved somebody enough to let them hurt me. But I surely do identify with that song for some reason, that's for sure..." "Then WHY are you like this? Needing to be an island, I mean? I feel like I've been all alone on a desert island all my life, and I hate it! I want to leave the old island, and live somewhere together with you! Do you get this?" He sounded emphatic, yet at the same time he was begging me for understanding. "Believe me, I get it. I'm just shocked. I really don't know why I need to be like this. Help me figure it out?" This time I extended him a verbal bridge. I didn't break off eye contact or anything. But I was still afraid. "Well, yeah, waddaya think I'm trying to do here?! Jesus Christ!" And all of a sudden, the anxiety left me. Just like that. "Ok, then. Thanks. You keep surprising me with what you know and see and feel. I AM kind of dumb as a rock, aren't I?" "Karl, you ain't dumb! We're equal, remember? I'm supposed to be learning how damned smart I am from you. You gotta learn the same stuff about yourself, ok?" "Ok, Larry. I'll try. Just the same as you said you'd try." We went quiet for a minute. It felt good this time. I wasn't disconnecting. I really wanted him to stay. I trusted him somehow. I didn't mind what we did next. I guess I felt ready to love him. To let him love me. But at the same moment I was feeling the most open and willing, Larry looked at his watch. "Oh, my God! It's after six already! I'm supposed to be home for supper way before this. I gotta go, right now!" And he started to rush out the door. Leaving me. I felt stunned. "LARRY!" I cried out. He stopped in his tracks, turning toward me at the same time. He saw the look on my face, and came bounding back to me. He plopped into my lap, put his arms around my neck, and kissed me hard, right on the lips. "Karl, are you afraid?" I was frightened rigid. No doubt about that. I just nodded, since I didn't seem able to speak. "I'm just going home for supper. That's all. But I gotta. I'm coming back. How could I ever not come back? Ok?" I was terrified of needing him so much. But I nodded again. "Getting speechless again, Rev? PLEASE don't worry so much. I already figured out what I'm gonna say to them. I'm just gonna tell them I'm sleeping in my fort. It's simple. I should've thought of it before! See what I mean? They'll never even think about it, cuz I do it all the time anyhow. That's what I tell them whenever they want to know where I'm going or where I've been. They gave up on that a long time ago. I can do this! I have my keys, and I'll come as soon as I can get away from them. But DON"T leave the outside lights on. They're too bright, and somebody could see me. Ok?" All I could do was nod affirmatively again. He was astonishing. But I still couldn't believe how much I needed him. I'd always been so self-sufficient there on my island. But I wasn't anymore. I kept right on being scared shitless. "Speak to me, Karl." His voice was soft, but insistent. "I'll try to focus on you coming back soon. And I won't turn on the outside lights ever again. I promise." "Good!" And he kissed me again, hugging me very tight. "I'll be back as soon as I can. It won't be long. But I REALLY gotta go right now! They're gonna kill me!" And he kissed me again. I put my arms around him as he tried to get off of my lap. "Jeez, Rev, now that I gotta go? Now ya want to hold onto me? You have horrible timing, ya know?" But he wasn't serious. He was trying to cheer me out of my fearful mood, and I tried to make him think it was working. I smiled and let him up. He leaned over me and kissed me, rubbing the back of my neck at the same time. "You worry too much! Stop thinking! Bye!" Then he dashed out of the room and out the back door. Maybe he was trying to do it quickly so I wouldn't agonize over it. I could hear the door connecting the barn to the back of the house swing shut behind him on its spring. I was vastly alone. All of a sudden, I could see just how alone I had always been. I literally couldn't move from where I sat. It was so silent. Deadly quiet. And I had always thought I was perfectly content with my own company. Preferred it, even. I just sat there, trying to will the time to pass immediately. It didn't. I must have sat there for more than two hours, as each second ticked past with agonizing slowness. Where was he? Why didn't he come? I needed him right now. That wasn't an obsessive abstract thought. It was a feeling deep down in my guts. A feeling that had such force that I couldn't believe it. Was this what Larry had been feeling, while I kept on insisting on more time and logic? Suddenly, my own need was a gaping wound. It felt like I was emotionally bleeding to death. I couldn't fix this all by myself. I needed Larry so much! My whole body throbbed with an ache that wouldn't go away. I'd never known what the word `helpless' really meant. It got later. I mustered the energy to look at my watch. It was 10:30, and he hadn't come yet! I could scarcely credit how huge my disappointment and fear became. How could this feeling possibly have gotten worse?! But it had. It left me hardly able to draw breath. The next time I looked at my watch, it was almost midnight. Dread sank into the core of my being. He wasn't coming. He said he would, but he hadn't. How could this be happening to me? I forced myself to my feet, and staggered around the house, shutting off all the lights but the one in the stairway. I stood there in the dark for another endless age, waiting for him to come. He didn't come. I dragged myself up the stairs, stripped naked like I did every night and the bed enfolded me. And then, oblivion. The next thing I knew, Larry was sitting in the armchair near the bay windows across from the bed. He was just sitting there, watching me. "You didn't come!" croaked out of me. "What time is it?" "After two. I got here about one. I didn't know if I should wake you up or not." His voice was subdued. He was worried, too. "I waited forever! And you didn't come. Why didn't you come?" It seemed that I had been reduced to whining like a child. I hardly recognized my own voice; it was so desperate and needy. "I couldn't. They grounded me for being late. I had to wait until they were in bed before I could leave. It seemed like forever to me, too. I couldn't even call. I don't know the number here. I never thought of that. I'm really sorry..." An enormous sigh heaved out of me. "I know...I'm sorry, too. I never knew I could miss anybody so much..." "I'm really really sorry...I knew you must be worrying something fierce. I don't want you to be afraid about me. Can you ever forgive me?" "There's nothing to forgive you for. You said you couldn't help it. I believe you about that. I just can't believe how scared I am about it..." "Can I stay, then? You really aren't mad at me?" "Of course you can stay! I need you to stay! I want you to stay..." Even in the dark, I could see him relax. Had he really been that worried about whether I'd let him stay? I was astonished. Larry's voice got softer as he asked, "Can I stay here in your room with you? I remember you said I had to ask. I know I'm not supposed to try and weasel anything out of you before you're ready..." Even with everything that had happened today, I still had to think about it. Finally I said, "Yes. Please sleep here. I need to know you're really back." "Right!" With that, he got up and stretched his arms over his head. As he took his tee shirt off, he seemed to glow in the moonlight. I swear, his pale hair seemed like a halo. I could clearly see the shape of his rib cage above his flat abdomen. He had only those blue gym shorts on, which didn't seem to cover very much. I was startled by the realization that I was naked beneath the sheets. "Wait, I haven't got any clothes on! Get me some shorts from the dresser drawer over there, please..." "God, you got nothing on? Cool!" And saying that, he stripped his shorts and underwear off all at one time in a single fluid motion. And he just stood there for a moment, silhouetted in the moonlight. "Now we're completely equal. Ok?" He was still asking my permission carefully. "Ok. Now come here!" I lifted the sheets and blanket up, inviting him to enter. "You must be even colder than I am." Larry carefully joined me in the bed. We snuggled up close, and wrapped our arms and legs together. The last thing I remember that night was the feeling of Larry naked in my arms, lightly stroking my back under the covers, as he whispered that he loved me. End of Part 02 "Larry's Love" By "Michael Davidson, II" To be continued... Please email me at ageismfree@yahoo.com I hate to be alone, too.