Date: Wed, 27 Jul 2005 14:42:58 +0200
From: Harry Anders <harry@harryanders.com>
Subject: Little Harry-2: Please will you bring your little brother with you?

I was stacking away another pile of boxes when suddenly the doorbell
rang. I opened the front door to let a very tense John enter the house,
looking at me with some fear and a lot of pain in his deep brown eyes,
nervously fumbling with his fingers and clearing his throat.

"Can I... err... may I have a talk with you please?"

"Of course you may! I am glad to see you here, for I really need to have a
talk with you too. Please come in!"

Uncertain he followed me to the kitchen where we both sat down at the
kitchen table and looked at each other.

"What do you want: tea, coffee or hot chocolate milk?"

"Err... can I have some milk please without the chocolate?"

"Of course you can. Maybe you could help yourself from the fridge?"

He poured himself a glass of milk and I took my second cup of coffee.

"I want to apologize for my behavior yesterday!" I opened the conversation.

I told him everything, feeling I could trust him. I told him about my
little brother Joshie burning his hair and his clothes while trying to lit
a candle, me panicking and the ambulance taking him to the hospital. I told
him about visiting a white and silent mummy every day in the hospital where
they tried to rescue him and after five months his coming home as a muted
cripple. I told him about my parents blaming me for his ordeal and imposing
on me to take him with me when and wherever I went. I told him about all
the eyes staring at us and the words 'freak' and 'alien' used by nearly
everyone. And finally I told him about his death a few months later and
about my guilt and shame and about all humiliations and the still lasting
fire in my soul...

Suddenly I felt two arms around my neck and now we both cried. I pulled him
closer and John trustfully settled himself onto my lap. For a long time we
comforted each other, until at last our sobs lessened and we both dried our
eyes with my handkerchief.

"Thank you little fellow for listening to me and comforting me," I told
him,

"I really needed that after yesterday and after the nightmare I had
tonight."

"You are welcome sir, and I needed YOU too! I was soo afraid..."

John had to use the toilet and took another glass of milk from the fridge:

"I told Harry everything about yesterday, but somehow he already knew what
happened and what you did."

"So he was spying on us yesterday?"

"I suppose so, for he is really good at spying. He told me you discovered
him in the bushes and waved at him, but he freaked out and ran away."

"Yeah, I know. I suppose I have blown that..."

"No, you have not! Now he knows you are not freaking out and you care about
him. But he is very afraid of being disappointed. You know, Jack was
everything to him. Officially he lives in our house, but in reality he
lived with Jack. He had his own room upstairs with all his clothes, Jack
bought him everything he needed, Jack comforted him when he had to go back
to the hospital for another surgery and visited him there every day. Jack
was his father, his mother and his best friend all in one."

He sat back with teary eyes and now and then absently took a sip of his
milk:

"He has to go back to the hospital next week. They are trying to give him a
new nose and artificial lips this time. He has been in hospital a couple of
times before, but he never before felt so scared! He misses Jack really
bad. Jack always cheered him up and let him see the positive side of
everything. But two months ago in the middle of the night Jack sent him in
a hurry to our house to wake my parents, for he didn't feel too well. By
the time they arrived he was dead, but he laid down on his bed with a smile
on his face as if he knew he did the right thing by sending Harry away."

John took another sip of his milk and stared into empty space:

"Since that night Harry lives with us and he sleeps in my room. Every night
he crawls into my bed. It is a secret and nobody else should know, but he
used to sleep in Jack's bed every night. Tonight he told me he can feel
Jack around sometimes and Jack told him he approves of the new owner of the
house, that has to be you..."

John hesitantly looked at me with fear in his eyes. How would I react?

I nodded and silently sent him my love. Suddenly John smiled and I could
feel a lot of love coming back.

"Yesterday I felt Jack around me too and it felt as if everything was
alright now. Tonight I had a nightmare and after waking up I could hear
Jack's voice somewhere in my head telling me: 'He needs you!'. I am glad
little Harry could feel his big friend around and watching him."

Again John nestled himself onto my lap and I threw my arms around him. We
cuddled for a long time, until John suddenly tilted his head and looked
into my eyes.

"I am very glad I found you because I like my little brother a lot and I
really hope you and he will be friends. He needs a big friend in his life,
he just can't cope without..."

"John," I said with a quivering voice and with tears in my eyes,

"please will you bring your little brother with you? Perhaps you first have
to tell him about my youth and about my own little brother Joshie. After
that let him think it over for a while; and then bring him to me. Don't
give him a chance to freak out again..."

John suddenly turned around and kissed me on my cheek, his eyes radiating
pure love.

"Thank you, thank you very much. I assure you I will bring him here!"

He rinsed his glass, put the milk back into the fridge and went away
without looking back.

Suddenly I felt Jack around. This time I thought I actually could see
him. He looked about fifty years old, bright brown eyes and a very warm
smile. He nodded his approval.

"Thank you! You did the right thing," his voice told me somewhere in my
head.

"I will do the best I can," I promised him in my thoughts.

"I know. I trust you," he answered and he disappeared, leaving me behind
rather confused...

Was this for real or did I make everything up in my mind? I shook my head
and went back to my pile of boxes.

Half an hour later the doorbell rang. I went to the front door where five
children expectantly looked at me, huddling together. A small sixth one
shyly hid himself from my view behind the herd, pushed forward by a broadly
smiling Marrie.

"What a pleasant surprise!" I exclaimed,

"please come in; and perhaps I can offer you something to drink?"

I turned around and went back to the kitchen. From the porch I could hear
some whispering deliberations. After a while one by one all children
hesitantly entered the house and followed me. On the way I collected a
couple of folding chairs, that I fortunately bought for the occasion, from
the hallway closet.

I put seven chairs around the kitchen table, turned around, and looked at
six children huddling together in a corner. Five of them expectantly looked
up to me but I barely could detect the sixth one shyly hiding behind... but
at least he was in the house!

John had positioned himself in front of the huddle, with a big grin on his
face and definitely looking proud. Thomas slightly leaned into John as if
looking for some protection. Behind John and Thomas were Mark and Chrissy,
softly giggling and pushing each other. Behind them Marrie had draped her
arms around a small person still trying to hide himself from my
view. Fortunately he seemed to have 'normal' hair, of a very light brownish
color, so he didn't look too much like my own brother Joshie who lost all
of his hair in the fire and was completely bald...

"Please sit down and I will get you something to drink," I told them.

John went to the fridge and took the milk with him to the table while I got
a couple of drinking glasses from the cupboard. He sat down, poured himself
a glass of milk and beckoned Thomas to join him. Thomas hesitantly neared
the table and sat down.

"What do you want? Milk, hot chocolate milk or tea?" I asked him.

Thomas voted for hot chocolate milk so I took the milk from the table and
poured some in a small saucepan. When I turned around Mark and Chrissy
already joined the two boys; while Marrie tried to approach the table with
a struggling and frightened small boy in her arms who was desperately
looking up to me...

I felt completely drown into two very bright deep blue eyes. Totally
fascinating eyes that radiated a lot of intelligence, a lot of power and a
lot of sadness all in one. His eyes immediately captivated me and I was
suddenly overwhelmed by an intense feeling of compassion and love for this
so frightened child. I sank onto one knee to get on level with him and
invitingly opened my arms.

"Hi, you must be Harry? I am glad you are joining my friends. May I have a
hug please?"

For a moment he looked shocked, but then his whole face seemed to brighten
and his wonderful eyes started to beam. He intensely looked into my eyes,
searching my soul for sincerity. After a while he slowly nodded and he
freed himself from Marrie's arms. Cautiously he took step after step until
I was able to touch him. Carefully I took him into my arms and without
thinking I kissed his forehead as I always used to do with my little
brother Joshie.

He completely melted into me with beaming eyes and a big smile on his
face. I cuddled him until he suddenly tilted his head and kissed me
back. Two severely damaged small lips tenderly touched mine. After a moment
he shuddered and started to sob. I took him with me to a chair and turned
him around onto my lap to face the others.

All of the sudden he started to fight me with a look of sheer horror in his
eyes and he desperately tried to get away.

"NOOOOO...!" he screamed and he fought himself free. He stumbled to the
door, tripping over his own feet and rushed out of the house, leaving the
front door wide open. Leaving me and the children totally at a loss. For
heaven's sake, what happened? I looked at John but he was as bewildered as
the rest... what was the problem?

"Shall I go after him and try to get him back?" John asked me with doubt in
his eyes.

"I really don't know..." I hesitantly answered,

"No, I don't think that is a good idea. But you could ask him what's the
trouble, for I don't have the slightest idea what went wrong! Why did he
scream and run away all of the sudden? What happened?"

"Come on, let's go ask him..." John said and all children rushed out of the
door, leaving me alone with a table full of half emptied drinks.

I slumped back onto one of the chairs and started to think. What could have
been wrong with little Harry? Did I do something wrong? Or happened
something unexpected that frightened him? But what could have happened or
what did I do that caused this reaction?

I tried to replay what happened and started from the beginning, where six
children huddled together in the front garden. Five children looked at me,
and the sixth one was hiding himself behind the others. Little Harry
obviously didn't feel at ease... Was I wrong in leaving them alone to
decide for themselves to enter the house? I thought it would help them to
feel less threatened. When they were free to enter the house voluntary,
they would also be free to leave the house voluntary...

After a while they all followed me and they entered the kitchen, even
little Harry. I couldn't imagine that would have caused any problems.

What happened after the children sat down at the table and Marrie pushed
little Harry forward in my direction? He couldn't hide himself any more and
he clearly was very frightened. Why was he so frightened? Was he really
afraid of me? Or was he afraid of being rejected? Of course he was!
Everyone except the children and their parents always rejected him and
called him a freak and an alien; and to him I was just another stranger who
never had seen him before...

Now I recalled his face, severely distorted by a couple of scars and wild
flesh. His nose was nearly gone and his nostrils looked like black holes
and were way too big for his face. The left side of his mouth looked fairly
normal, but his lips on the other side were shriveled and wrinkled. His
right ear stuck to his head and his face was stained and colored in three
different colors. He really WAS a freaky sight to everyone else who wasn't
used to live around a severely burnt little brother...

I recalled I suddenly felt an intense surge of love and compassion and I
spontaneously opened my arms and invited him for a hug. At first he just
looked at me, trying to search my soul. Could he really trust me? After a
while he nodded, left Marrie and approached me, until I took him into my
arms. So far everything seemed to go well.

Then I spontaneously kissed his forehead without thinking, as I always did
with my little brother... shouldn't I have done that? Wasn't he used to
being kissed by a stranger, or perhaps nobody ever kissed him? But his deep
blue eyes started to beam, he smiled from ear to ear and he completely
melted into me! Then he kissed me back. He tilted his head and tenderly
pressed his lips onto mine. After a moment he suddenly shuddered and
started to sob. At that moment I thought his emotions were too much for
him, but was I right in my assumption?

I remembered I took him with me to the table and lifted him onto my lap,
carefully turning him around so he could face the others. All of the sudden
he screamed, fought himself free and stumbled to the door... what did I do
wrong? I still didn't have the slightest idea...

He started to scream after I turned him around. Was that a problem? Perhaps
he didn't WANT to be turned around? Suddenly I discovered something: that
wasn't HIS decision but MINE. I didn't ask him what HE wanted, but simply
assumed he wanted to face the others...

Shocked I made myself another cup of coffee and went to the porch hoping to
see the children, but the street was empty. Even in the corner of the
garden there was no motion at all. Where went everybody? Where was that
poor little boy?

Again I started to think back. I remembered how well my little brother and
I went together and how peaceful everything always seemed to be. SEEMED to
be... but was it? What color were Joshie's eyes? I thought he had brown
eyes, just like my own eyes, but I wasn't sure... Did I never look into his
eyes? Did I ever really talk with him? I did speak TO him, yes. "Time to go
to bed Josh..." and he went. "Don't forget to shower!" and he showered. But
did I ever speak WITH him?

Slowly I realized I even didn't KNOW Josh. As a small boy I bathed him, I
dried him, I tickled him and he laughed, I carried him to his room, I put
him between the blankets and I kissed his forehead. But that was all
contact I ever maintained with my little brother. I was so used to have him
around that I often even didn't realize he was there. For he was always
there, silent and seemingly in harmony. The only time he seemed to NEED me
was when the weather suddenly changed and a thunderstorm raged. That made
him silently crawl into my bed and sleep with me for the rest of the
night. But I even couldn't remember ever putting my arm around him...

Was I really so egoistic? Even after he accidentally put himself on fire I
never asked HIM what he wanted. I had to take him with me wherever I went
and I did, but was that what HE wanted? I just took him with me... Of
course he couldn't speak any more, but certainly his eyes could have told
me something. I just never looked into them.

I kissed his forehead every time he approached me but that was what I
always did, what I was used to do. I still had the feeling I really loved
him as my little brother, but who did I love? I didn't even know him... why
did I never look into his eyes and see who he really was or what HE wanted?
Why did I never ask HIM?

The sun was setting down so I went into the house, softly sobbing. I got
something precooked from the fridge and put it in the microwave. After a
while I started to eat but it tasted like rubber. I forced myself to eat at
least a little bit and threw the rest in the container. The coffee tasted
like sewage so I took some water instead.

Again I sat down on the couch in the living room but now I forced myself to
contemplate on who I REALLY was. Sixty-five years of wasted life, never
really listening to my wife or to my children, always doing what I assumed
they wished but never asking THEM... Joshie didn't seem to need me, my
parents were too busy with themselves, my wife never complained, my two
daughters both went their own way...

Suddenly there is a little boy in my life that NEEDS me! And I am making
the same mistake. Again I am assuming things, again I am NOT asking him
what HE wants. Again I am not listening to what HE has to tell me. I am
such a selfish loser...

Slowly I drifted off until I was hardly aware of my surroundings. I felt
very peaceful, as if part of me went to heaven. There was a bright light,
not from the sun but shining everywhere. All I could feel was love,
understanding and compassion. When I looked up I saw Jack standing there
with a knowing smile on his face.

"Do you understand now?" he asked with a soft and warm voice, seemingly
coming from within my head.

I nodded and tears were streaming down my face. I felt so much love, so
much compassion...

"You both need each other!" he continued,

"Don't be afraid, you didn't make a mistake and he will come back. Just be
yourself and love him..."

His voice drifted off and the light vanished, leaving me on the couch
crying my heart out.


Harry AnderS, alternative writer.


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