Date: Wed, 14 Nov 2001 17:35:07 -0800
From: Robert Just  Robert <kewl_dad_1@msn.com>
Subject: Lost in fear-Chapter Eleven

Lost in fear
Chapter Eleven
"Don't you love me anymore?"

	I awoke slowly and at first tried to convince myself it had all
been a dream.  But with my escalading conciousness came the realization of
what I had done.  I wondered if Joe would wake and feel the same shame that
I felt.  If he did he would surely tell someone and my life with Jimmy
would be over.  I found myself near tears as I rose to relieve my aching
bladder.  I limped into the bathroom and with shaking hands I held my
sinfull member as I drained the posion from my body.  I finished and as
always I stood at the sink to wash my hands.  As I was reaching for the
towel Joe entered and without a word walked to the toliet and began
relieving himself.
	"Ahhhh, that feels better."  He giggled as he finished and tucked
his now drained penis away.  "Hi, Dad....did you sleep well?"  He added
giving me a hug that almost caused me to tumble.
	"Sure, did you?"  I returned cautiously.
	"Yeah, really good.  I was really tired."  He said pulling back and
looking me in the eye.  He winked and smiled an incredible smile that
washed all my fears and sin away.
	I pulled him into me and hugged him and kissed the top of his head.
He melted into my embrace and we were still hugging when Jimmy came in
sleepy-eyed to relieve his own bladder.  He yawned and ignored us until he
was finished then leaned into us both and joined the hug.  I was so lucky
to have the love of these two angels and I felt my body mending under their
loving touch.  We broke finally as the smell of Doty's heavenly breakfast
filled the air.  We went into the dining room, the boys on either side of
me helping me along.
	After breakfast the boys begged to go riding and I agreed, on the
condition that they stay off the jumps.  They hugged me and ran off leaving
me to my thoughts.  Dad took Doty into town later and I was truly alone for
the best part of the day.  It gave me a lot of time to think about what had
happened with Joe and what the future might hold.  I made a promise to
myself to try to avoid situations where we might be tempted to repeat the
events of the night before.  I didn't want Joe to be faced with that kind
of decision again. I knew he had given himself freely and with love, but he
was too special for me to risk harming him in any way.  I was content to
let things lie as they were and tried to push them out of my mind.
	Monday I was supposed to get my leg cast off and I couldn't wait to
scratch my leg properly.  It had begun to itch the minute they put the cast
on.  Try not scratching an itch for six weeks and you will know what I
mean.  I hoped that in a few weeks I would be back up on my feet and back
to normal.  I had a lot of living to do, and I was anxious to get on with
it.  I smiled and popped in a video and before I knew it, I had fallen
asleep.  I awoke to two dirty, sweaty boys giggling and tickling my nose
with a piece of grass.  I popped one eye open and made a grab at Jimmy.  He
fell into my arms giggling as I tickled him.  Joe joined the mele and I had
to warn them of my injuries to get them off me.  I sent them off to take a
shower and I napped a bit more.
	I woke to silence and wondered what the boys were up to.  I went
into the bathroom but all that remained of them was their dirty clothes
scattered here and there and wet towels hung in various places.  I smiled
and groaned wondering where they had gotten off to.  It didn't take long to
find them.  I heard their muffled giggles and peeked into the den.  There
stretched out on the pallets they had slept on the night before were my two
boys.
	At first I thought they were wrestling or just enjoying each other
touch as they lay underneath the quilts.  But I stopped in my tracks when I
heard their intimate words.
	"Suck me..."  I heard my son say in a soft lusty voice that sent
chills down my spine.
	"You suck me too...."  I heard Joe's sweet voice reply in the same
soft tone.
	There was some movement beneath the covers and then the covers were
thrown back.  I gasped and felt my cock grow rigid as I witnessed their
coupling.  They greedily gobbled down each other's hard boyhood and the
sounds of wet slurping and sucking reverberated around the room.  I could
feel the sexual tension in the room and I swore I could smell the raw,
musky odor of their sex.  I found it hard to breathe as I watched, suddenly
afraid to move for fear that I would be discovered watching, even though my
intrusion was unintentional.  My hand involuntarily went to my own
throbbing member and I rubbed at it absent-mindedly.  Realizing what I was
doing I forced my hand away and brought my hand to my brow to wipe the
sweat that had suddenly broke out there.
	The boys were louder now, moaning in ectasy around each other's
cock.  I watched as the boys rubbed each other's back and butt wiggling in
lust.  I felt their desperation build as they neared orgasm and they were a
fury of arms, legs and mouths moaning and dancing on the floor.  Then their
was a muffled whine from one of the boys as he orgasmed, followed almost
immediately by the other.  They were so in tune with each other that they
had managed an almost simultaneous orgasm.  I gasped as I realized that I
too had orgasmed, without touching my engorged flesh.  I panicked, afraid
they would hear my muffled cry and I quickly exited.  I went into the
bathroom once more and cleaned up.  I peed and went back into the living
room.
	Presently the boys joined me, dressed in shorts and shirtless and
looking smug.  They were flushed and sweaty and their hair stuck to their
foreheads in a cute way.  I smiled at them and ask them what they had been
up to.
	"Playing."  Jimmy said grinning at Joe.
	"Yeah, playing."  Joe said adding a wink for me, but Jimmy caught
it and gave him a puzzled look.
	"Did you guys have a good time riding?"  I ask, then thinking it
might have two meaning, I blushed.
	This got the boys excited about their earlier adventures and they
shared their day.  I listened, feeling a smug sense of satisfaction knowing
that I knew more than they were telling.  A while later, Doty and Dad came
home and Joe had to go.  Dad drove him home and afterwards we settled back
into our usual routine.
	Supper and bath time then off to bed.  I was very tired and anxious
to get into bed, but Jimmy seemed restless.  Doty and Dad had been in bed
for a half hour or so when Jimmy came down wearing only his baggy boxers.
He was dragging a worn teddy bear that I had bought him soon after I found
him.  The bear, Mr. Bear had never left his side and it had seen it's share
of love.  I smiled and felt my heart melt as he climbed into bed with me
and put Mr. Bear on my chest.  He seemed younger suddenly, small and
fragile, not the Jimmy he had become as of late.
	"Daddy, can I sleep with you tonight?"  He ask in a small sweet
voice.
	"What's wrong?"  I ask with concern.  He seldom ever made such a
request, and usually only when he was sick or troubled.
	"Don't know."  He said shyly.
	I pulled him into me and hugged him close.  "Sure buddy, you don't
have to have a reason.  You know you are always welcome in my bed.  I love
you little bear and Mr. Bear too."  I said smooching his teddy.  He gigled
and jerked the bear away and kissed it himself.
	"My teddy."  He said gruffly.  Then softened and kissed my face.
"I wuv you daddy."  He added in a silly voice.
	"I wuv you too."  I replied returning his kiss.
	He settled down and was so quite that I thought he had fallen
asleep.  I was slowly drifting off myself when he suddenly spoke.
	"Daddy."  He said softly.  "Do you love Joe?"
	"Well, yes bud.  Joe is a sweet kid and he is your buddy so, yeah I
love him."  I replied wondering what direction this conversation was
headed.
	"Joe said....."  He said softly.  "That you....and him...did
stuff."  Jimmy said squeezing the words out shyly.
	I lay silent for some time feeling the same panic and shame that I
had awoken with.  I nodded and a tear formed in my eye.  He wiped at he
tear and brought his face so close to mine, I could feel his warm breath
and it smelled of mint toothpaste.  He kissed me sweetly on my lips and
hugged my chest.
	"Why don't you......ever....want to do stuff with me?"  He ask
softly, the hurt deeply inbedded in his voice.
	"I love you son, I don't want to ever hurt you , I just can't think
about that."  I choked out.  "It's just not right."
	"But, you did it with Joe.  You said you love Joe.  Don't you love
me anymore?"  He ask choking back the tears.
	"Oh, my god.  Jimmy I love you more than the day I first met you.
You are my heart and soul, my reason for living.  With out you I would be
dead inside.  How can you ask that."  I was crying openly now.
	"I'm sorry, I just don't understand.  I'm just a stupid kid."  He
cried with me, our tears mingling on my chest.
	"No, you are not stupid.  You are kind and smart and full of love.
I am sorry that I was weak and let myself get out of control with Joe.  It
won't happen again."  I said with sudden determination.
	"He stopped crying and sort of laughed nervously.  "That's not what
Joe thinks."
	"What?"
	"He thinks he is going to do it everytime he comes over and spends
the night.  He wants us to all do it."  He said boldly.  "We do stuff too,
you know."  He added almost defiantely.
	"Yes."  I said simply. "But, that's different.  You are both the
same age and it's normal stuff for boys to experiment."
	"It's not normal.  I know lots of boys who don't do it.  Joe and I
are gay."  He said almost angrily.  "You might as well accept it Dad, we
are fags."  He began crying again and I held him as he shook.
	"Even if you are gay, it doesn't matter.  I love you anyway, you
know that.  And I love Joe, but I can't let my love get out of control.  Do
you understand?"
	"No."  He said stubbornly.  "I'm not done yet.  I will make you
love me that way.  I'll keep trying till you do it."  He added defiantly.
He had stopped crying and was wiping his eyes and nose on his palms.  I
pulled some tissue out and held it as he blew his nose.  I blew mine and we
settled down.  I was exhausted after the emotional sparring we had done and
I fell asleep quickly with Jimmy nestled in my arms.

End Chapter Eleven...
Next...Dad and son?