Date: Sun, 9 Dec 2001 01:11:51 -0800 From: Robert Just Robert <kewl_dad_1@msn.com> Subject: Lost in fear-Chapter Fourteen Lost in fear Chapter Fourteen "Life goes on" It's funny how life gives you something then takes something else away. There's a saying that "God never closes one door without opening another" , but all I know is when one door closes, sometimes it's hard to find the other one. We lost Dad and Doty within two months of each other. First Dad died of a heart attack. It was the single most traumatic event of my life and I don't think I could have made it, if not for Jimmy. It was if he took all my pain inside him and held it until I was strong enough to deal with it. Once I had reached that point, it was his turn to grieve. He and Dad had grown so very close over the few months, and the loss was especially hard for him. At the funeral, Doty sang "Amazing Grace". Up till then I didn't know the woman could even carry a tune. Her voice was like that of an angel and there wasn't a dry eye among us. Even Rev. Smith was wiping at his eyes when she finished. Jimmy was hugged up close to me lost in his own grief but, when it was time to lower the casket, he broke away and dropped a single red rose on Dad's coffin. I heard his soft voice say "Goodbye Grandpa, love you always." I began to weep uncontrolably and Doty and Jimmy hugged me close and we cried together as a family. I never knew Dad had touched so many lives until I saw the flowers amd cards and the group of mourners that came to pay their respects. He was my whole world at one point in my life and he had come back into my life for the last part of his. I was so thankfull that I had not waited another minute to re-unite with him, and I was doubly thankfull that he had got to meet Jimmy. Jimmy was his "boy" as he called him affectionately. I don't think Dad suspected that Jimmy and Joe were anything but freinds, but I don't really think it would have mattered. He loved both boys and they loved him. Jimmy took Dad's death pretty hard, so hard in fact that he was unable to come to the funeral. He did however, join us at the house afterwards and he and Jimmy were hugged up on the couch, consoling each other. Doty was a pillar of strength through it all, I guess at her age she had seen a few deaths and been to her share of funerals. Her faith sustained her and that faith helped me as well. She smiled and took my hand and kissed my cheek and told me God had brought us back together, but now he wanted Dad at his side. I smiled weakly and kissed her back and she hurried off to the kitchen to oversee the mountain of food that everyone had brought. I spent most of the afternoon being consoled by people I'd never met and was glad when the group finally thinned down to a few close friends and relatives. Free at last to rest, I piled down between Joe and Jimmy and they hugged up against me and we sat in silence for sometime. I loved these boys more than life itself, and they were the driving inspiration for me to move on. I would miss Dad, but I had no regets about our relationship. He loved us and we loved him and no greater tribute could we pay to any man. He was gone, but would live in our hearts forever. The day was mixed with sadness and quiet joy as I found myself finally at peace as I sat with my boys. They loved me unconditionally and I loved them in return, and together whatever God would hand us, we would face it with that knowledge. The weeks went by and the pain lessened, though it never really goes away I guess. Life went on, the farm took up much of my time now as Doty spent more and more time in bed. She had a mild stroke several days after Dad's funeral and was growing weaker as the days passed. Mr. Jacobs, Doty's attorney called me one afternoon and suggested we have lunch. I was glad for a chance to get away and left Doty with the home care provider I had recently hired. I met Mr. Jacobs at his favorite buffet, the man could certainly get his money's worth, and we filled our plates and sat down. He had something on his mind, that was obvious but I let him take his own time sharing it. "Bob, you remember a while back when I spoke to you about Doty's will?" "Yeah, about setting up some kind of trust fund for Jimmy?" He attacked a piece of chicken and wiped his greasy fingers. "Yes, but also about naming you in the will. Well, she finally got around to making the changes." "Oh." I said not really wanting to discuss such matters in my present state of mind. "Bob, she wouldn't have it any other way, and I agreed with her." He said swallowing a bite before continuing. "Because you adopted Jimmy legally, she has left everything to you. She knows you will take care of Jimmy's future. She thinks of you as a son, you know." He stated warmly. I had never really thought much about the money or what would happen if and when Doty passed away. "I...don't know what to say. I will use the money to help Jimmy, you know that. And I suppose to keep the farm going. Oh, my God. I'm talking like she is already gone." "Bob, let's be honest. She isn't doing so well these days. The doctor says, one more stroke and she's gone. I love that woman dearly...." He choked up and looked away. "I'm just glad you and Jimmy are there for her." I was quiet the rest of the meal but thanked Mr. Jacobs and headed back to the farm. I found Jimmy and Joe sitting on the front porch and they jumped up when I drove up. Both boys ran to me and hugged me quickly before asking permission to go riding. I chuckled and sent them off to have some fun. We hadn't had much of that around here lately. I went to find Doty asleep and her nurse checking on her. "Hello, sir. She is resting now." She whispered. I excused myself and went upstairs to my room and sprawled out on my bed to rest and think. I had a lot to be thankfull for, that was true, but I still missed Dad a lot. It was like I had lost a part of me and I cried a little then finally drifted off to sleep. When I awoke it was getting dark outside and I headed downstairs to see if the boys were back yet. Jimmy was wathcing TV, but Joe had gone home. I piled down beside him and he crawled into my lap, something he hadn't done in a long time. He leaned back against me and I felt the warmth and softness of his body. He had filled out over the past few months but I guessed he would always be a little small for his age. I hoped he would never get too old or too big to want that kind of affection. I hugged him close rubbing his soft stomach and he purred like a kitten. "Know what?" I said hugging him tightly. "What?" He said looking up at me with his sweet face. "I love you." I said as tears came to my eyes. He smiled up at me and kissed me sweetly on the lips and hugged my neck. "I love you too, I'm sorry about Grandpa. I miss him a lot." "I know, buddy. I do too. We still got each other though. And I promise I will always be there for you." I said softly. "Me too. I will always be your boy." He said leaning in against me. We sat quietly for almost an hour just drinking in each other's love. I wasn't hungry and neither was Jimmy, which was very unusual for him, but we finally ate some soup and a sandwich sometime later. The nurse left around eight o'clock and Jimy and I watched TV until bed time. Without even asking Jimmy followed me to my room and undressed, climbing into the bed and pulling up the covers. I didn't say a word as I slipped in beside him, there was no need for words, we both needed each other that night and we shared our love with abandon. He was the sweetest lover anyone could have, and he took my breath away with his love. I felt years younger and my broken heart was on the mend again. I drank deep of his love and found a truth beyond truths that night. I was no longer ashamed or afraid of our love. Jimmy had shown me what real love was all about. It wasn't about limits or restraints, it was about two people sharing their souls their bodies and their love. It was only important that we wanted it, and no one else mattered. Love is the bond that brought us together and the bond that nutured us now as we healed. The world was a little brighter the next day and I felt like Dad would have approved. He was never one to have regrets or dwell on sadness. I felt his spirit in Jimmy and myself and I smiled as I remembered how much he loved us. ************************************** Doty died quietly in her sleep, at home as she had wished. Though we were sad, we knew she was in a better place now, and would suffer no more. We had a quiet service, as she requested and buried her beside Dad. The reality that Jimmy and I were now alone hit us as we went back home that cloudy afternoon. Joe was with us, as he usually was, he and Jimmy were almost inseperable by then. We ate a light lunch and sat around just enjoying the warmth of each other's company. I looked back over my life and marveled at the diversity of things that happened to me. Jimmy helped me keep my feet on the ground and my head going in the right direction. He would need lots of love and support until he grew into the wonderful man, I knew he would someday be. I was humbled that God had brought us together, that he had trusted me to be his mentor,and his father, and I promised to be worthy of that trust. I smiled at the two boys, hugged up on the couch and I saw the love that they had for one another. I felt a warm, cozy feeling suddenly and reached over to hug them into me. They responded immediately and Jimmy climbed into my lap pulling Joe as close to us as he could. I hugged him tightly and put an arm around Joe as well. My heart ached a little, I knew one day they would grow up and move on, but the love we shared would go on forever. I smiled at the two boys and they smiled back. There would be sunsets and rainbows and into our lives a little rain would fall, but together we would face the future together. THE END Thanks to everyone for your support and thanks to Nifty for allowing authors like myself to express themselves. Be sure to support Nifty and keep the website alive. Kewl_DaD