Date: Sat, 6 Oct 2001 16:11:34 -0700
From: Robert Just  Robert <Kewl_Dad_1@msn.com>
Subject: Lost in fear-Chapter four

Lost in fear
Chapter four
Devine intervention

	I awoke feeling rested and at peace with myself.  I knew what I
must do, and I hoped Jimmy would turst me enough to allow me to do it.  I
left him sleeping as I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and some toast.  I
don't drink coffee, but I sure needed some cafein.  I found a Mt. Dew in
the fridge and popped the top.  I swigged down most of it and belched
loudly.  I finished my cereal and toast just as Jimmy came padding into the
kitchen looking sleepy eyed, but beautiful.
	"Hey little buddy, did you sleep well?"  I asked looking up and
smiling.
	"Yeh, I'm hungry...watcha got to eat?"  He said pulling up a chair
and sitting down across from me.
	"Well, I got cereal and toast.  I need to go grocery shopping
today."
	"Cereal!"  Jimmy says excitedly.
	"Captain Crunch or Frosted Flakes?"
	"Captain Crunch."  He said squinting his little face up.
	I poured him a big bowl and covered it with milk.  I found some oj
in the fridge and poured him a glass.  He munched on the cereal slowly,
grinning at me between spoonfuls.  I wanted to let him finish eating before
I shared my plan with him, so I made small talk as he ate.
	"What are we gonna do today?"  He asked after a while.
	"Well, I have to run some errands and of course go grocery
shopping.  I'll stop by the video store and get us some movies too.
	"I wish I could come."  He said meekly.
	"I know buddy, but remember what we talked about last night?  I got
to keep you a secret for now."  I said patting his small hand.
	"I know...I know.  But, I don't like being alone."  He said sadly.
		He finished his cereal and most of his juice and stood up
and walked over to where I stood.  He held out his skinny arms and I hugged
him to me.  I kissed his cheeks and wrapped him in my love.  He giggled as
I rubbed his cute tummy and looked up at me.
	"I wuv you."  He said in a silly voice.
	"I wuv you too."  I answered back.
	I scooted out my chair and pulled Jimmy up into my lap.  He hugged
my neck and rubbed his nose against mine.  I hated to break up our bonding,
but I needed to get started and I needed Jimmy's help.
	"This is gonna be hard to understand little buddy, but I have to do
something today, and I need your help."  I began.
	"Otay."  Jimmy said still in his silly mode.
	I took a deep breath and began.  "Buddy I need to know where your
folks live....I need your address."
	"Why?"  Jimmy said almost shouting.  "No, don't go there...please
stay here with me."  He wailed.
	"You have to trust me buddy, this is the best way.  I promise, I
have a good plan and I think it will work.  I just need you to trust
me....can you do that?"
	He sat silently for a moment, ready to cry at any moment.  Then he
seemed to compose himself and he blurted out his address.  I questioned him
a little about how to get there and he gave me enough information to get me
there.  I was pretty familiar with all the streets here and I didn't think
I would have much trouble finding the place.  He told me it was an
apartment on the second floor over a barber shop.  The address was in a bad
part of town, which was no shock to me...where else do sleeze bags live.  I
waited until I felt Jimmy was calmed enough and I left him with a kiss and
a hug.
	I got in my car and suddenly the full impact of what I was about to
do hit me.  I began to shake uncontrollably but, I had to continue.  I
drove on down the street and busied myself with finding the place.  It took
me almost an hour but finally, I arrived.  I parked my car on the street
and sat a few minutes, trying to get up enough nerve to go on in.  There
was a door beside the barber shop and inside I could see a flight of stairs
leading up.  Over the door was the number 13.  How appropriate I laughed to
myself.  Suddenly I was gripped with a new sense of purpose.  I stepped out
of the car and locked the door behind me.  I swallowed hard and walked up
to the sidewalk.  A few steps further and I was at he doorway.  I went
slowly up the steps trying to be as quiet as possible.  I didn't know why I
was being quiet, I just felt I needed to.  I reached the landing at the top
and turned to my right.  There was the door leading into the apartment.  I
wanted to turn and run back down the stairs to the safety of my car, but I
found I could not.  I stood frozen for a moment, then I heard voices.
	I heard a man say. "Give me the money, you whore or I'll cut your
tits off."
	A woman's voice replied.  "Fuck you!  You drunk bastard....I fucked
all night for this money and I'll be goddamned if I'm giving any to you to
spend on booze."
	I heard a loud slapping sound a sort of muffled cry.  Still I
couldn't move.  I stood listening as a sort of scuffle took place.  I heard
more cussing then glass breaking and finally what I believed was a gunshot.
I jumped at the sound and found I could suddenly move.  I don't know why I
didn't run away.  Instead I walked slowly to the door and as I approached I
realized it was half open.  It was deathly quiet now, and the hair on the
back of my neck stood up.  My flesh whas covered in goose bumps.  I pushed
the door open slightly and peeked inside.
	I could see an overturned chair, glass and paper and....what
appered to be blood.  It was pooling even as I watched transfixed.  It was
like watching a car wreck, wanting to look away, but unable to.  I pushed
the door open further.  I could now see the source of the blood.  I felt
viloently ill and retched trying hard not to vomite.  A woman lay half
naked on the floor her neck covered in blood, the blood which continued to
run down and pool beside her body.  I pushed the door open all the way, and
I saw him.  At first I froze in fear, he held a pistol in his hand.  He was
a fat ugly man with hair sticking out of the dingy yellowed a-shirt he
wore.  Then I noticed he wasn't moving, his eyes were open and he had a
sort of surprised look on his face.  Then I saw it...the blood and brains
splattered on the wall behind him.  In a split second, I took in the
horrible scene and I began to run.  I ran down the stairs and jumped into
my car.  I wanted to hit the gas and peel out, but reason overtook me.  I
pulled out slowly hoping not to attract any attention.  I looked around
nervously but saw no one in the area.  It was Monday and the barber shop
was closed.  My only chance was if no one saw me there.
	I wanted to get back to Jimmy as soon as possible, but I wanted to
get the groceries and movies first.  I put the events of the past few
minutes out of mind and headed to the grocery store.  I loaded up the cart
with all the things I felt I would need to feed a growing boy and checked
out.  I went into the video store and grabbed a half dozen 5 day rentals
and headed back to my house.  I pulled into the garage and waited for the
door to close.  Suddenly Jimmy appeared at the door leading into the
kitchen.  He looked nervously at me and I waved him out.
	"Help me with these bags, okay buddy?"  I said trying to sound as
normal as possible.
	"What's in here?"  He asked wide-eyed.
	"Lots of food, and some movies for us to watch."  I answered
nonchalantly.  "Let's get them unpacked then we can sit down and talk."
	Jimmy seemed satisfied to wait, and grabbed a couple of bags and
carried them iside.  We unloaded the groceries into the pantry and fridge
as Jimmy checked out each item.  He reminded me of myself at his age.  I
loved going grocery shopping with my dad, and helping him put the stuff
away.  We usually sampled about half of the stuff we brought home, which
sent my mom into fits.  My dad would always look like a big friendly bear
and give her a kiss and she would just smile.  I wondered if Jimmy had any
good memories at all from his short life.  I hoped that someday he would
look back and this would be a good memory for him.  He looked hungry again
and I asked him if he wanted to have a snack before we chatted.  He
declined, I guess his need to know out weighed his tummy's rumbling.
	Nervously he followed me into the living room and we sat down on
the couch.  I had thought a lot about what I would say on the drive home.
I had toyed with telling him the truth, but how do you tell a nine year old
that his step father killed his mom and then committed suicide.  I decided
that at some point he would need to know, but for now he needed to hear
something more positive and uplifting.  In my mind I created a story so
vivid that I found myself believing it.
	"I guess you are wondering what happened buddy."  I began.  He
nodded and I continued. "Well, first of all let me tell you that you can
stay here for now and maybe even for longer if you want."
	He broke out into a wide grin and hugged me, then stood back and
frowned a bit. "How?  Did my SHE tell you it was okay?"
	"Let's just say that, after I told them what I would do if they
didn't, they agreed to let you stay with me.  I warned them, I told them
that I knew what they had done, and that I could make a lot of trouble for
them."  This in fact was what my original plan consisted of, though now it
seemed quite absurd.
	Jimmy still looked skeptical, but being as trusting as he was, he
soon began to believe that at last he was free of the abuse that he had
know for his short life.  Once satisfied that he would indeed be allowed to
remain in my home, his tummy began to beg for attention.  He reminded me of
a little bear, even though he was as skinny as a monkey.  I decided "Bear"
would be a good nick name for him and he seemed to like it.
	"Come on Bear let's get your tummy some food before it growls so
loud the neighbors can hear it."  I laughed.
	He erupted in giggles as grabbed him up and tickled his skinny
ribs, carrying him to the kitchen.  I sat him down at the table and began
fixing him a sandwich.  He settled on a pbj and milk and some chips.  I had
a coke and some pretzels, I didn't have much appetite after what I had
witnessed earlier.  My "little bear" ate his sandwich and then had a bowl
of ice cream with choclate sauce.  His tummy full he looked up at me and
smiled with choclate staining his sweet face.
	"Bob, can I tell you something?"  He asked almost shyly.
	"Bear, you can tell me anything.  You are my special little buddy
and I want to hear anything you have to say."  I said trying to reassure
him that I was here for him.
	He looked thoughfull for a minute and then began. "I wish you could
be my dad."  He said meekly.
	My heart was full with love at that moment and I swear I began to
bawl like a baby.  Jimmy looked scared and sad at my outburst and came over
to me and hugged my neck.
	"What's wrong?"  He asked sadly.
	"I'm just so happy."  I said trying to explain.  "You have made me
so happy.....my little bear....and I love you so much.  I never had anyone
love me like you do.  You make me happy and I think we are good for each
other.  Maybe......"
	"Maybe what?"  He asked curiously.
	"Maybe I can be your dad...we will see."  I said wiping my eyes and
composing myself.  The kid had no one now, and if there was any way to make
it happen I would keep him with me.
	We hugged for a long time and then he climbed into my lap and
hugged my neck.  We rubbed noses again and he smiled.  I looked into his
deep emerald eyes and saw joy and wonder, the kind that escapes us as we
grow older. If only we could keep that child-like wonder throughout our
lives, how different the world would be.  I felt his frail body and hugged
him close wondering what the future held for us both.

End Chapter four.....more to come.