Date: Thu, 1 Nov 2001 19:33:16 -0800 From: Robert Just Robert <kewl_dad_1@msn.com> Subject: Lost in fear Chapter Eight Lost in Fear Chapter Eight Like father, like son. I don't know who was more excited Jimmy or me, as we drove to the airport to pick up Dad. I had told Jimmy about the kind of relationship I had with my father and about all the good times we had together. He smiled sweetly and said "Just like us." I guess I had learned more from my Dad then I thought. Hopefully the lessons my father taught me would help me be a good father to Jimmy. We parked the car and headed toward the airport terminal hand in hand and my stomach was full of butterflies. How long had it been since I last saw my father? It must be two years or so, I guessed. Why had we kept apart so long? My job and his job I supposed , and then there was the fact that we lived a thousand miles apart. I didn't want us to be apart that long ever again, even if it meant I had to be the one to visit. I had the money and freedom now to do what I chose and keeping my father in my life became a number one priority. All this went through my head as we approached the terminal and then I saw him. He hadn't changed a bit, I found myself behaving like a little kid. I ran to him dragging Jimmy along beside me and grabbed him in a big hug. Now, some men would have been embarrassed, but not my Dad. He hugged me back and even kissed my cheek. All the while Jimmy stood looking expectantly, grinning from ear to ear. I broke our hug and turned to Jimmy. "Dad this is Jimmy, my son, your grandson." I said proudly. Dad smiled and looked Jimmy over then he held out his arms and Jimmy literally jumped into them. Dad lifted Jimmy up and held him in his big arms like he was a toy. He ruffled Jimmy's hair and beamed proudly. "You are very lucky to have Bob as your Dad, you know that?" He said to Jimmy. "And with me as a grandpa, heck you got it made sport. I am gonna spoil you rotten." He added laughing. "Oh, boy." Jimmy said smiling and hugging his grandpa's neck. "I wish you could stay with us forever." "I hate to break this up , but people are staring." I said laughing. "Let's go find the car and get to the farm." Dad reluctantly put Jimmy down and we grabbed his bags. Jimmy ran along beside us like a puppy in a parade and soon we reached the car. We loaded up the bags and headed home. We chatted as we drove back and I learned that Dad was soon retiring. Until now I had never thought of my Dad as old, let alone being of retirement age and it made me think. I wasn't as young as I used to be either, though I had to admit since I had met Jimmy, I actually felt younger. I wondered if Dad would consider living with us when he retired, but that could wait. No need to complicate things at the moment. Doty was her gratious self and Dad took to her right away. It seemed the two of them had quite a bit in common. Jimmy soon grew to love his new grandpa as much as I did and the two of them spent a lot of time together. True to his word, grandpa took every opportunity to spoil Jimmy, buying him more stuff than he possibly needed. But, Jimmy didn't care about the stuff, it was obvious that what Jimmy loved was the attention and love his grandpa gave him. I have to admit, at times I felt jealous. I know that sounds silly, but until now I never had any competition for my father's love. But, I loved them both and I worked through my feelings and decided that all our relationships were still under construction and things would level out. Dad slept in my room on a fold out bed which Doty had dug up from the basement. At night we would lay in bed and talk about old times. One night he came to my bed and sat down and I was reminded of the times when I was a boy and he would sing to me or tell me a story. He seemed to have something on his mind, but wasn't able to get it out. I let him stew for a moment then decided to try to pull it out of him. "Dad, I know you. Something is bothering you...what is it?" I said searching his face. I saw a puzzled look cross his face then a sly smile. "Never could fool you, could I?" He chuckled. "It's nothing really. I just.....oh, hell." He said looking suddenly serious. "There is something I need to tell you. It's not easy." He said looking thoughtful. "What is it Dad? You know you can tell me anything." I said rising up on one arm. "You remember when you told me you were gay." He ask in a low voice. "Yeah, I was terrified. Then you told me you already knew. I felt so silly at first then I felt great. I had gotten that off my chest and you still loved me. That's when I knew that I had the most wonderful dad in the world." I said beaming. "Well, what if I told you that....." He began. "I was..... gay.....too." He choked out. "I'd say. It doesn't matter. I love you no matter what." I said trying to reassure him. Then added. "Actually I always wondered." "Really. Is that so. And what made you wonder?" He ask curiously. "Well, there was something about the way you looked at my friends. Especially Andrew." I said thinking back to my boyhood day. Andrew was one of my best friends and he and my dad had been very close. It was around the time Andrew turned 15 that I noticed my dad's apparent interest in him. "What do you mean?" My father ask almost angrily. "Well it was pretty obvious that Andrew had a crush on you. And well...you liked him a lot. I could just tell." I said, my words suddenly seeming inadequate. He looked thoughtful for a moment then bit his lip and began. "It's true I loved Andrew. And..well..I think he loved me too in his own way. It wasn't supposed to happen but, well....we..or...I...." He seemed lost and suddenly very tragic. "You had sex." I finished for him. "I always wondered. Andrew seemed to know an awful lot about sex. A lot more than little ole me." I quipped. "So...you're not mad?" My dad ask nervously. "I always feared you would find out and hate me. I always felt so ashamed and sick. I tried to go back to women after your mom died but...." He seemed about to cry as he spoke and I sat up and hugged him. "I know...I know...Dad. You don't have to explain to me. I know how you feel. And...well....there is some confessing I have to do now." I said feeling my burden suddenly lifted. "What?" He ask softly. His eyes were calm and I saw the strength return to him as he resumed his role as my father once again. "I..well....I have been with younger guys..that is....." I said suddenly feeling very nervous. "How young son?" He ask suddenly attentive. I lowered my face and mumbled lowly as my heart beat fast in my ears. "Boys. Dad I have had sex with boys." I confessed. My father reached out and lifted my chin and looked into my eyes. I saw the love and acceptance there and my heart soared. "Son, I know you would never hurt or force a boy to do anything. I look at Jimmy and I see the love you have given him. Son have you and Jimmy.....?" He said trailing off. "No!" I said forcefully. "But...." I added unable to finish. "You have wanted to?" He finished for me. "Dad, I was looking for a boy to be with when I found Jimmy. I got so wrapped up in helping him that I forgot all that. Dad, I've tried so hard. I just..sometimes when I see him I get urges. He is so beautiful and I love him so. I would die before I hurt him." I said turning sad eyes to my father. "I know son. You have been a wonderful dad to Jimmy. I know you would never hurt him. Don't be so hard on yourself. Just let you love guide you and you can't go wrong. Don't worry what other people think." My dad said looking thoughtful. "Thanks Dad." I said calming somewhat. "I feel so much better now that I got that off my chest." "Me too." Dad agreed. "But now this old man needs some rest. "Good night dad." I said hugging him again. "I love you." "I love you too son." He went to his bed and we both drifted off to sleep. The next morning we all sat down to one of Doty's breakfasts. She cooked like she was cooking for an army, which wasn't too far off considering the way Dad and Jimmy could put food away. I smiled as I watched my two favorite guys enjoying each other's company. I think Jimmy had bonded faster with Dad then he had with me. It was if they had known each other forever. Jimmy felt comfortable climbing into Dad's lap and giving him kisses. Dad had accepted Jimmy just as readily, treating him as his own. We were one happy little family. But, deep down inside something gnawed at me, something that would not let me rest, not let be totally happy. It was my desires that kept me in turmoil and somehow I had to overcome them. I let Dad take Jimmy into town, I just wanted to be alone. I headed out to the barnyard to do some thinking. I watched the livestock grazing and the dogs running free. Sometimes I envied them, living a life without responsibilities or worries. I thought about what my father had told me about him and Andrew. I should have saw the signs. As I thought about it I guess I felt a little jealous. Why hadn't my Dad wanted me. I scolded myself for thinking in such terms. My father loved me, but what he felt for Andrew must have been a different kind of love. A love that I knew from experience. Would I feel different about Jimmy if he were my flesh and blood son? I only knew that I could not love him more. I loved him with all my heart and sole and I knew that I would do anything to protect him. I realized at that moment that I would even give my life for him, if the neccesity arose. I thought about my father and I now knew what pain he had endured to raise me to the man I had become. I also knew felt that he had enjoyed every moment of it, as I now was enjoying my own parenting. I smiled and wondered what the two of them were up to. Much more at peace with myself, I walked to the house just as they drove up. Jimmy piled out of the car and ran up to me excitedly holding something close to his body. Not until he was almost on me did I see what his slender arms concealed. Perched close to his body he held a tiny yellow kitten. I rolled my eyes and knew who was behind this. Then I laughed and dropped to one knee to meet the newest member of our family. Next Part nine......Jimmy's Birthday. Please let me know...are you enjoying the story....write me at Kewl_Dad_1@msn.com with your comments. I promise to respond to all emails. Thanks for reading.