Date: Sat, 3 Nov 2001 02:23:46 -0800
From: Robert Just  Robert <kewl_dad_1@msn.com>
Subject: Lost in fear Chapter Nine

Lost in fear
Chapter Nine
Jimmy's Birthday

		When I first met Jimmy there was some confusion as to his
real age.  I had guessed from his size and level of maturity that he was
nine or ten.  I considered myself to be somewhat of an expert in that area,
but I had never met a boy who had been through what Jimmy had.  Now, some
boys in a similar situation may actually appear more mature, more
independent, more emotionally detached.  But some, as in Jimmy's case,
actually become less mature, more child-like despite their actaul age.
When I brought Jimmy to his Grandma's farm I learned his true age was
eleven and that in fact he would soon be twelve.  I was surprised at first,
but as he settled into his new life and as his body got the nutrition that
in craved he began to fill out and look more his age.  He began to grow
emotionally also since he no longer had to hide behind the emotions of a
small child.  He was now free to mature and grow as nature intended.  It
was with much satisfaction that I watched him grow and mature, but as all
parents do I faced those mixed emotions as I watched my son grow up.
	Jimmy's body was more defined now, though he still had that tiny
bit of baby fat that made him so adorable.  His face still had the sweet
innocence of an agel but he acted more like a rough and tumble boy these
days.  I noticed other changes in his body when on the now rare occasions
that he wanted me to help him bathe.  He had the soft whiffs of hair on his
genitals that signalled a boy's entry into puberty.  I wasn't ready for my
little boy to become a crazy teenager in the throws of puberty, but there
is no denying nature.  One thing I have learned is, change is the only
thing you can depend on in this life.  You either embrace it or you get
left behind.
	So, as the long summer ended Jimmy made plans to begin school.  He
had been out of school since I had found him that fateful night and since
it was too late to enroll him when we moved to the farm, we let him wait it
out until the new session began.  Both Doty and I had tutored him each day
and fortunatley he was a very bright boy.  I believed he would have no
trouble keeping up once he was settled in school, now that his home life
was stable.  From Doty I discovered that Jimmy's birthday was September 28
and with her help I was planning the biggest birthday bash any boy could
ever hope for.
	School began on a hot August morning and reluctantly Jimmy met the
bus with his backpack clinging to his strong young back.  He smiled
nervously as he turned to wave at us as we watched from the porch.  It was
hard to believe that this was the same scared little boy that had captured
my heart only a few months ago.  My life had changed as had his and we were
forever a part of something new and beautiful.  I felt the pangs of sadness
and fear as Jimmy rode away that morning.  We had never been apart for more
than a few hours since we had met.  I don't know which one of us was more
distressed at this sudden parting, but I found myself sad and thoughtful as
I went trough the day.  I spent part of the day helping Mack, and the rest
working on my plans for Jimmy's birthday party.
	When three o'clock rolled around I wandered down to the road and
waited for the bus.  I tried to pretend I was checking the mail so as not
to embarass Jimmy, just in case.  But my boy bounded off the bus and jumped
into my arms despite the fact that a dozen or so of his peers watched from
the bus windows.  He chattered at ninety miles an hour as he told me about
all his classes and all the new friends he had made and I felt my fears
melt away.  I had not really been so worried about myself as I had been
about him.  I was afraid he would not fit in, or that the other kids would
pick on him.  I chastised myself for underestimating his effect on others.
His love was contagious and I had no doubts that he would win many new
friends in the weeks to come.  He talked a lot about a particular boy named
Joe whom he discovered lived only a mile or so up the road.  I ask Doty
later if she knew the family and she said that he must me Lyle Skinner's
boy.  She looked thoughful and said that his boy would be just about
Jimmy's age although the last time she had seen him he was in diapers.
	I mentally added Joe to the list of people to invite to Jimmy's
party and hoped that by then there would be many more.  I knew Dad was
planning on being there and he had hinted that he had one whopping surprise
for his grandson.  Rex, Jimmy's yellow kitten had grown over the past few
weeks and had endeared himself to all of us.  He would often crawl up on
one of us and fall asleep and protest loudly if disturbed.  I had never
really cared for cats as a kid, but Dad had taken his share of strays in
over the years and somehow adopting Rex seemed appropriate.  Jimmy loved
the creature as only a boy can.  In his eyes Rex could do no wrong even
when he got into mischief as he often did.  To me it was simple...boys,
puppies, or kittens, if you loved one you had to love em all.
	I became less fearfull of my desires as I got busy with the day to
day duties of being Jimmy's dad.  As Miles had predicted, the Judge called
us into his chambers one month after the first hearing and granted me
permanent custody of Jimmy.  At that time I petitioned to have his name
legally changed to Jimmy Mc Kinney.  I still remember the look on his face
that day as he hugged me and called me dad, repeating his new name over and
over.  And with much pride he registered at school with his new name,
making it a point to tell every person who would listen how he came to be
my son.  My heart swelled with pride each time I saw him interact with
others.  No longer the scared abused boy, now bright and outgoing and
infectuously happy.  He seemed to bring sunshine into everyone's life that
he met and that I felt was a reflection on myself.  I wanted nothing more
than to be the kind of Dad that my own had been to me and to have Jimmy
grow up as happy and content as I was.
	One evening after school Jimmy seemed especially quiet.  He went up
to his room and did his homework without being reminded and after supper
went back up to his room.  I was concerned but not overly so, I knew from
experience that sometimes a boy just needed a little time to himself.  I
helped Doty do the dishes and she excused herself, saying she was tired and
headed off to bed.  This left me alone for the first time in a while and I
was lost for some minutes before Jimmy came quitely up behind me and hugged
me.
	"Well, let me see.  Who can that be?"  I said teasing him.  "Is it
my little bear?"  I said suddenly turning and tickling the not so skinny
ribs of my boy.
	He giggled like the Jimmy I remembered, but the look on his face
seemed suddenly serious.  "Dad, can we talk?"  He ask so quietly that I
almost missed the words.
	"Sure, buddy."  I replied ceasing my tickling.  "What's on your
mind?"
	"Can we go outside and sit on the fence?"  He ask in a voice so
small and tragic that I felt a wave of alarm rush over me.
	"Sure, buddy.  Anything for my little bear."  I said trying to
sound brave, although I was weak with worry.
	He let me take his hand and we walked the short distance to the
fence.  The sun had set long ago, but the moon was about three fourth's
full, and here in the wide open it gave off a considerable amount of light.
I studied Jimmy's face in the moonlight for some clue.  He seemed so
different tonight, no longer the earger self confident boy he had become.
I waited patiently for him to begin, not wanting to force anything from
him.
	"Dad."  He finally began looking up at he moon.  The light gave his
face an eirie almost ghostly look as he spoke and I felt a chill run
through me.  "How come you never got married?"  He went on almost sighing
as he spoke.
	"Well..."  I began.  So this was what this was all about.  Somehow
he had guessed I was gay.  We had never talked about it, but I guess at
some age a boy begins to figure things out.  Was that it.  I found myself
suddenly sweating.  What would my Dad do, I ask myself.  I had promised
that I would be honest with Jimmy when the time came, but I never realized
it would be so soon.  "I never met anyone I wanted to marry, I guess.  I
mean I never fell in love."  I said, knowing that while not complete it was
at least true.  "Why do yo ask bear?"
	"I always wondered what you were doing that night.  I mean why were
you out driving around down there?"  Jimmy suddenly ask looking at me
strangely.
	Here it was, he knew.  Our life was over, he would stop loving me
as soon as he found out the horrible truth and I had no one to blame but
myself.  Then I felt a sudden strength rush through me as I heard my
father's voice.  "Let love guide you son."  and I knew what I had to do.  I
had to be honest with Jimmy, just as he had been with me that night and
hope love would be enough to save us.
	"I was searching for something.  A need that I have.  I thought you
were there for that reason at first.  Then, it's like you said....God sent
me to save you.  I forgot all that other stuff when I saw your face, I fell
in love with you at that instant and I knew I had to save you...to love
you...to be your father."  I broke down and cried like the pitifull fool
that I am and he turned to me not in anger or disgust, but in love.  He
held me gently and I felt his own tears mix with mine.
	"I knew.  But, I felt like you were different. I knew you loved me.
I would have done anything that night, do you know that?"  He ask through
tears.
	"I never....."  I choked out.  "I never wanted you to do
anything..I mean...I only wanted to help you.  You have to believe me."  I
sobbed.
	"I know.  I knew that you were really gonna help me, and not hurt
me when you gave me that bath.  I let you take off my clothes and I would
have done whatever you said.  I had been made to do what ever I was told.
But, you helped me.  You loved me and I knew that you were the one God had
sent."  He said smiling a little through his tears.
	"Oh, God....Jimmy.  I love you so much.  I couldn't stand it if you
hated me.  Please son, you have to believe me...I...."  My sobs choked out
my words and I wept as only the broken-hearted can.
	"Dad!"  Jimmy said lifting my chin.  "I could never hate you.  I
love you too."  He said fighting back a wave of tears.  "I just wanted you
to know, that it's okay.  I don't care what you did before.  I know that
you are not like the other's."  He said as he barred his soul.
	I looked at him questiongly and he nodded.  "Dad, there were other
men besides my stepfather.  He used to maked me do stuff with other men and
they paid him.  I got so used to it that I sort of forgot about it
sometimes.  He said I had to act really young and stuff to make em like me
better.  But, most of em wanted to hurt me.  Sometimes one was nice to me,
but they couldn't help me.  You were the only one who tried."  He said his
face a map of all the emotional abuse he had endured.
	"Oh, God."  I managed to choke out before collapsing into a spasm
of grief.
	"It's okay Dad>" He said suddenly seeming more mature than I was.
"Because you loved me, I don't ever have to do anything I don't want to
ever again.  Don't worry Dad, I love you more than ever.  I love you
because you are honest with me and because you care how I feel.  No
one...NO one...ever cared about me before.  I'm sorry I made you cry Dad."
He threw his arms around me and hugged me so close I feared we would topple
from the fence.  We sat for sometime in silence as i composed myself.
Jimmy had long since dried his eyes.  It was as if I was seeing a new
Jimmy, one confident and beyond his years in muturity.
	"One more thing Dad."  He began in a steady voice.  "I think I'm
gay."
	At first I thought I had heard him wrong and I muttered an
incoherient "What?"
	"Dad, I think I'm gay.  I know you are and I love you anyway.  Can
you love me if I'm gay?"  He ask suddenly loosing his confident tone.
	I stared into his face and saw the fear there and I smiled to ease
his pain.  "Son, my father once told me that there was nothing I could ever
be or do that would make him stop loving me.  I was always amazed that he
could feel that way about me, now I know why.  So I am saying it to you. My
Son there is nothing you could ever do or be that would ever make me stop
loving you.  You are the most important thing in my life and I will always
love you."  I said with all my heart.
	He smiled gently and stroked my face with his delicate hand.  "I
feel the same about you."  He stated simply.  "Let's go in now.  I'm
hungry."  He said reverting to his former hungry little boy self.
	I chuckled as I jumped down and and put my arm around his firm
shoulders and he leaned into me as we headed inside.  Our love had endured
one of the toughest tests of all and we had come out as winners.  I faced
the future without the fears that had once consumed me, for my son and I
loved each other unconditionally and all that mattered now was that we were
together.

The Party
	Do you have any idea how much cake and ice cream twelve little boys
can eat in one day?  Well, I found out as the day of Jimmy's Birthday party
finally arrived.  As I predicted Jimmy had made many new friends since
starting school and there would have been even more at the party had I not
insisted that we keep it small...Ha!  Joe and Jimmy had become best of
friends spending more and more time together as their freinship grew.  It
was very common on the weekends for Joe to spend both Friday and Saturday
nights and occassionally Jimmy would spend a night at Joe's house.  I came
to love Joe in time, once I got over the jealousy.  Yes, I am human.  After
spending so much time with Jimmy I was lost at first when he began to spend
more time with his freinds.  But, I got over it quickly because I didn't
loose a son I gained another one.  Joe was a dark haired brown eyed cutie
that could just melt your heart with his sweetness.  He was funny and fun
to be around and after a while I felt that he was my friend too.  The boys
usually included me in most of their weekend plans, after all they needed
me to drive them places and rent the videos and games.  But I knew that
deep inside they did enjoy my company and I theirs.  My fears of loosing
Jimmy as he grew were forgotten now.
	The party was a smashing success.  Besides tons of food and soda we
had a clown, a magician and lots of games and prizes.  Jimmy must have
thanked me about a hundred times as he ran around tasting this and trying
that, all the time dragging his buddy Joe around behind him.  The two were
inseperable.  My Dad, true to his word did have a big surprise for Jimmy.
About half way through the party he showed up in his pickup truck.  We all
ran out to meet him and suddenly Jimmy went crazy and began saying "Oh my
God, oh my God."  I looked questioningly at my boy and soon discovered the
source of his excitement.  In the rear of Dad's pick up with a big blue bow
was a 125cc Honda dirt bike.  Dad had not discussed the gift with me and I
felt a little annoyed at first, but decided that as long as Jimmy kept it
off road I saw no reason not to let him have the bike.  It was a good thing
the party was winding down because Jimmy couldn't stay off the bike long
enough to do anything else.  My Dad had purchased not one but two matching
helmets, knowing that Joe would be on the bike as much as Jimmy.
	Jimmy seemed to learn very quickly and before the day was over he
had somewhat mastered the skill of cycling.  I had had several dirt bikes
myself over the years and decided that now might be a good time to purchase
another.  There was certainly plenty of good places to ride on the farm and
it would be fun.  I didn't mention it to Jimmy just yet because I had
another idea that I was sure he and Joe would like.
	The party wound down and all the guests but Joe had left for the
day.  It was Friday night and Joe as usual would be spending the night.
Doty and Dad helped me clean up what looked like the results of a herd of
wild horses running through our back yard while the boys took turns riding
Jimmy's dirt bike.  I was tired but happy as we settled onto the porch to
rest before supper.  I had suggested that we eat out , but Doty insisted on
cooking for my Dad.  I think she was growing quite fond of Dad, and I
smiled at that thinking "Boy has she got a wrong number."
	"Dad, what made you think of a dirt bike for Jimmy?"  I ask after a
bit.
	"Do you remember your first dirt bike son?"  My dad ask looking
thoughful.
	"How could I forget.  It was a Zuki.  All my friends had Honda's or
Yamahas but I had a Suzuki.  I was so proud."  I smiled in warm remembrence
and knew why Dad had given Jimmy the bike.  It was his way of showing Jimmy
and me that he accepted Jimmy as his own.
	"He will never forget either."  He said smiling smugly.
	I hugged my dad for a moment and smiled.  "Thanks Dad, you're the
greatest.  But...it would have been nice if you had warned me."  I added
teasingly.
	"Would you have said no?"  He ask suddenly attentive.
	"No, of course not.  I'm as big a softie when it comes to our boy
as you are.  I just would have...I don't know.  It's cool.  Say, Dad what
would you say if I told you I was thinking about buying a new bike myself?"
I wondered why after all these years it was still so important to gain my
father's approval in anything I did.
	"I thought you might."  He chuckled.  "I just wish Joe had a bike
too."
	"Well, you know.  I thought about that.  I think I might buy an
extra bike, you know just for company."  I said meekly.
	"Now who's the softie."  Dad said smiling widely.  "Son, you have a
good heart.  I think Joe will learn to love you as much as Jimmy does."
	We were interrupted by Doty calling us to supper and I went off to
fetch our boys.  The only thing that could possibly have pulled those two
away was Granny's cooking.  They came running as the aroma of Granny's
heavenly meatloaf wafted across their dirty faces.  I had a hard time
convincing them to wash up first , but minutes later the two appeared at
the table looking almost presentable.  The next half hour was filled with
laughter and the sound of hungry boys filling their tummies.  I smiled
contentedly and felt that all was right in my world once again.

Next....Joe and Jimmy???