Date: Sat, 07 Feb 2004 21:47:16 +0000
From: Angela Mynah <angela_mynah@msn.com>
Subject: Come on in Sorry about the mess
Come on in. Sorry about the mess.
A short story by Angela Mynah
Angela_mynah@msn.com
This story may refer to cross generational sex of both a homosexual and a
heterosexual nature. It may also imply acts of Incest, bestiality,
necrophilia and fishing.
If this story is illegal in your area or you are offended by such material,
leave now.
This story is fictional, however the issues that are raised in it, are not.
This story deals with some very disturbing subjects. However, it is meant
to educate, enlighten and entertain rather than frighten the reader.
Although descriptions are based on case history, care should be taken to
remember that this is a fictional story. Take the time to read and reflect,
for you could save a life.
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Come on in. Sorry about the mess. By Angela Mynah
What is it they say? `Walk the walk, talk the talk'! Well I didn't
feel much like either as I walked back down the pier. What I felt was shame,
yes Shame and I felt it two fold.
I felt shame that I had failed to end my life, and worse I felt shame
that I had even gone to do that in the first place. The only thing I could
really say I had achieved, was being a total failure. I knew I was going to
have to talk to the guys in the security hut at the base of the pier too. In
my mind I could see them laughing behind my back at the pathetic wimp before
them. In my mind I felt something grasp my shoulder.
"Aaarrrk aaarrrk aaarrrk. You feel sorry for you eh?, aaarrrk Dat no
good. You nice person. Dumb yes but nice also. I knows in your mind .Aaarrrk
aaarrrk.
"Oh great, a seagull who thinks he's a shrink. What do you know
anything about bird?"
"Aaarrrk, I not the one behaving like total dork, I know loads, you ask
me anything you like, I answer you. Aaarrrk. You help me so I help you.
Aaarrrk aaarrrk.
"Ok bird, I want to know why I should be walking this way and not
swimming that way and I want to know why Mike doesn't love me any more. I
want to know how many people know I am gay and I want to know how many care.
I want to know all that and loads loads more... I want to know if I should
come out of the closet and, if so, I want to know when. I want to know if
Mum and dad know about me, and, if they don't, how they will react when I
tell them Well bird, what's your answer to that lot then?"
"Aaarrrk, You ask, you find out. You die, you never find out. You got
fish eh? aaarrrk"
I looked at my imaginary friend and imagined I handed him a fish. He
took it and faded away. Well I suppose it was less effort than flying off,
for both of us. Also, it saved me from having to imagine a mess flowing down
my back.
I was half way down the pier now and looked at the lights of the coast
side road. The street lamps were giving out their sodium orange glow and the
head and tail lights of the traffic seemed to mingle with the neon shop
front signs, each flashing out their messages to anybody who felt inclined
to read them.
There is something about solitude which, on occasions, can be
humanities greatest gift. I sat down in another shelter, this time facing
the lights of the shoreline. I was for a while dazzled by their beauty, made
twofold by their reflection in the otherwise jet black sea. I breathed out
loud,
"Beautiful."
"Is it? Do you really think so? I think it's disgusting. It's a classic
example of light pollution. It makes astronomy next to impossible. That's
star gazing to you."
It is difficult to describe the stranger sitting to my left. He wore a
suit that had, a long time ago, been the show piece in a charity shop
window. The only item more battered than the suit was the pair of binoculars
slung round his neck. No that's not quite true, the only thing more battered
than both these items was their owner.
Even in the low light available I could see the pale grey eyes of this
man throwing out the glint and cold fire of a classic opal, His face, rather
like his suit, had that friendly well worn look.
"I know what astronomy is, I'm not stupid you know. What are you
looking for anyway?"
"Same as you! Answers. You look for the answers to your questions about
your sexuality, your orientation. I am looking for the answers to the
question "Is there life out there on any other planet."
"But all you've got is a pair of binoculars, how can you hope to find
what you are looking for with those?"
"Well I agree, they're not very powerful, but on balance they're a bit
more powerful than an imaginary seagull. How did you hope to find all your
answers with one of those?"
There is something not very satisfactory about calling a non existent
astronomer half way up a pier, a stupid sod, especially when you know he's
right.
"Well my non existent seagull's been more use so far than you've been.
All you've done is... is... You haven't done anything at all. Why am I
imagining somebody who can't help me?"
"Who said I can't help you, for all you know I may know the answer to
all your questions. However, fair's fair, I will help you if you help me
first, and I only have one question."
"Ok, what's your question?"
"You know what my question is, I've already told you that. Is there
life out there on any other planet?"
"Errr, well Yes! Yes there is life out there on some distant planet.
Now what?"
"Good, Thank you. That's all I needed to know. Now lets work on your
problem!"
"That's all? I just say `yes there is life' and you accept it, no
question, no validating my qualifications for answering such a question?...
You're weird."
"Weird? Maybe, maybe not, but think about this. If you are wrong and
there is no life on any other planet in the universe, nobody on this planet
could ever know, so it really doesn't matter."
"However, if you are right and somewhere out there, there is life, the
chances that I would ever see it are infinitesimally small. We both
recognise that. It follows therefore that the chances that I need to clear
out my spare room so that one of these aliens can sleep over for the night,
is an infinitesimally small percentage of an infinitesimally small chance,
in short it's pretty unlikely."
"And your point is?"
"Well rather than plan for this highly unlikely eventuality, it would
make more sense, should it ever occur, just to say `Come on in. Sorry about
the mess.' Then it's up to my visitor how he takes me."
"Are you saying that it doesn't matter whether or not there's life out
there?"
"Good heavens no. I'm not saying that at all. NASA and Jodrell Bank
would be most upset if they thought it didn't matter, almost as upset as the
people who pay for NASA and Jodrell Bank would be."
"So it does matter"
"Yes, lots."
"What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing."
"I'm confused."
"Yes, I know."
I knew I was supposed to make something out of all this, but I was
still struggling. There was some link between his quest and my problems but
it was making little or no sense.
It is sometimes difficult to come to terms with the idea of discussing
problems with imaginary people, then not understanding what they tell you,
but it can happen, believe me, I know.
"Well try this one for size Chris. Does it matter that throughout the
world, thousands of people are being killed on the roads every day?"
"Yes of course it does."
"So what do you plan to do about it? How do you plan to stop it?"
"There's nothing I can do, I can't stop it."
"Exactly. It matters but you can do nothing about it. Now apply that
reasoning to your situation, it may clarify a few things. There is a prayer
called the serenity prayer. It doesn't really matter if you are religious it
still makes sense if only as a school of thought, it goes,
"Please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."
"Think about that from time to time, it may help you. It helps me a lot
and pretty frequently too. Are you ready to look at your questions yet?"
"I'm not sure, What were they?"
"Well Number one was, `Why am I not drowning like I planed to?' Just
where do you think that question lives?"
"It doesn't matter, I didn't do it and that's it! over and done with."
"Well done, That's a good start. Now What was next? Ahh yes, `Why
doesn't Mike love you any more?' What makes you so sure he doesn't?"
"He loves Mercedes now, not me"
"Do you love your mother?"
"Yes of course I do."
"Does your dad know that?"
"Yes He must, why?"
"Well he must be pretty upset that you love her and not him!"
"That's rubbish I love both of them, he knows that! I can love more
than just... ."
"You were saying?"
I sat in silence for a while. Mike had said he still wanted me to be
his friend, he had even said he wanted me to be the best man at his wedding.
Could I be wrong about him? Was he really straight after all? Was it
possible?
"You look like you have just woken up to one of life's important
lessons, maybe even more. The possibility that Mike Loves you but has
developed into a heterosexual. His love is as pure as it gets, but sex is no
longer on the agenda."
"What about Mercedes? She is hardly going to want to share Mike with
me, and I bet she knows about us."
"I reckon she probably does. My best guess is that she knew about you
two before she even knew she fancied him. My other guess is that she could
be a surprisingly good friend to both of you, irrespective of just who does
what and with what and to whom."
I gazed back to the shoreline. My astronomer friend paled into the
nothingness I had summoned him from. My mind played a while wondering if I
could ever love Mercedes as a friend or indeed if she could love me like
that. Gradually it became very important to me that Mercedes should start to
like me. I knew that this was a two way arrangement, I would have to get to
like her too.
The time had come for me to stop these imaginary discussions for a
while and talk to some real people. Although still a bit down, I made my way
to the security hut. It occurred to me that they may just not think I was a
pathetic creep after all.
No sooner had I knocked on their door than one of them, a guy called
Steve, opened it. A barrage of heat slurried out making its bid for freedom
in the cold January air.
"Come in, come in, come in. You took longer than we thought. Wondered
if you had got lost. You didn't did you?"
"No I ... ."
Too late I saw the joke I had fallen straight into, it would have been
tricky getting lost, walking down a pier. The whole bunch of them was
grinning at me, as Steve put the kettle back on.
"Tea, Coffee or Chocolate. If you want a cold drink, just leave it
outside for five minutes."
"Chocolate please, Thanks, this is very kind of you. I'm Chris by the
way."
Introductions were made all round and I was directed to a chair near
the fire. It was soon clear that they had all worked out why I had visited
the pier that night, and although I hadn't seen it the inflatable inshore
rescue boat was sitting ready under the pier, the engines already warm and
ready to fly out to my aid.
We hedged round the subject for quite a while, meantime I learned that
there were indeed five guards, three of whom were there at any one time.
Tonight it was Steve in charge, Dave and Gramps as his side kicks. Gramps
was the guy who had come up the pier and seen me first off.
Looking about the hut I saw a flickering from the corner of my eye. It
was a TV screen. A second glance showed me it was a security monitor, and
one of the cameras was mounted in the shelter where I`d sat preparing myself
for the swim. I'd never noticed it there. Dave saw me looking.
"Whoops lads, one of out deep dark secrets is out, Chris has found our
monitor."
"I have fished the end of the pier loads of times, I've never seen any
cameras"
"Good, that shows how well we've concealed them. If they were on view
to the public, the vandals would have ripped them out as fast as we put them
in. So what we did was to put up the signs saying that video surveillance
operates here, then we put up the cameras. They were destroyed.
"We set up some more they were also destroyed. We set up some really
heavy duty dummy cameras and some real concealed ones. Nobody saw the real
ones and we prosecuted the people who destroyed the dummies. Now we just use
these hidden ones."
The shade of red I turned reminded them what I had been doing with Mike
in that shelter, thinking it was private. It was no good, they had seen and
I knew it, and without going into the music hall act, they knew that I knew
that they had seen it. Steve was the quickest witted of them and he decided
to talk plainly.
"Well now you know how we know all about you, how you are gay and who
your boyfriend was but please believe us, we treat all such things as
confidential. We would appreciate it though if you would keep it to yourself
that the cameras are there."
Naturally I agreed, It wasn't so much blackmail it was more a mutually
agreed silence regarding certain transgressions. The chat was as heart
warming as the fire was body warming. I learned that both Steve and Gramps
were gay or at least Gramps was, Steve was Bisexual. Then a terrible
possibility occurred to me.
"Does that security system errmm, ... are there any err, ... did you...
."
"I think Chris is trying to find out if our system records what it sees
and if so, are there any tapes of him and his boyfriend. Am I right?"
"Yes. Are there any recordings of Mike and me having sex?"
Although the existence of such tapes was denied, I had a sneaking
suspicion that such tapes did exist. It was obvious that we had been
recorded, that's the whole point of security cameras, the thing I was not
sure that I believed was that such tapes had been overwritten. I reckoned I
would have to think about that some other day, It was something that for now
I could not change. That damned prayer was going through my mind, I knew I
had heard it before tonight but couldn't place where.
"Do your parents know you are gay? Are you out of that closet?"
"I haven't actually told them, it was one of the things I was up the
pier wondering about, should I come out? If so, should I come out to
everybody or just to them?"
If I had been expecting nice solid answers wrapped up and tied in a bow
I was to be out of luck. Steve was adamant that I should come out, stop
living the lie and start living the life that ultimately would be mine.
"Why should he be burdening himself with the extra problems that
dishonesty inevitably brings when he knows that he will sooner or later want
to live with another man? Come on Gramps, tell me that."
"Oh come off it Steve, I know its great to think we live in enlightened
times but in reality we don't. Gay people are still persecuted in one way or
another. Its just another prejudice but its up there with the rest of them.
Life is hard enough without trying to feed yourself to the lions."
The argument was at the same time heated whilst still being friendly.
Only Dave remained quiet. He had moved from the wooden seat by the table to
a slightly scruffy looking couch against the wall.
He was the best looking guy there of the three, and the only one
wearing a wedding ring. As the other two argued, he beckoned me over to the
couch, to sit next to him.
"You wanna know what the only straight guy here thinks?"
I detected a slight Australian slant to his voice, something that
seemed to make him even more attractive. I nodded.
"It seems to me that there are several issues here, mainly, is he gay
and will he be gay in three years time. Nobody really knows the answer to
that, even though he believes himself to be as gay as a barn dance. Next
what do his folks think and what do his pals think. I reckon that he should
never live a lie, but why live his private life in public.
"As you get older Chris, it will become harder and harder to keep your
orientation private, mean time it's your business and no other bastards.
Sure if someone asks you if your gay and you feel inclined to answer, tell
them the truth. Mainly mate, if they don't ask, don't tell. That's what I
would do for as long as you are under legal age. When you are old enough to
have a boyfriend legally, and when you have found the right guy, just act
like you thought everyone knew. At the end of it, its their problem, not
yours.
"Your parents love you. They will carry on loving you gay or straight,
they will always love you. However, they might not thank you for giving them
a hard time, always having to defend you from bigoted idiots and the like,
where if you had kept your own council, it wouldn't have been necessary.
Your parents would die to save your life, but don't go standing in the
middle of the freeway."
The other two were quiet for quite a moment or two before nodding in
slightly reluctant agreement. I had been in the security hut for nearly an
hour. What with that and the time it had taken me to walk back down the
pier, when I looked at my watch, it was just gone ten thirty. If I had stuck
to my original plans, allowing myself fifteen minutes where I would have
been able to swim, I would have been just about dead right now.
Never had I ever felt so grateful for feeling alive, and never ever
would I go down that road again. Somehow I was feeling so much more
positive, there was just one other thing I was positive about. My parents.
They would have started to worry by now. It was time to go home. Time to
face the music then go to bed, tomorrow was a new day, tomorrow was a new
life, at least there was going to be a tomorrow.
Dave drove me home as although it would have been no more than a ten
minute walk, he thought that the sooner the better as far as getting me home
went. I was right, my parents had started to worry but I was able to placate
them with a slightly modified version of the evenings events.
Lying in bed I let my mind wander over the strange set of animals and
people I had let my mind conjure up. First there was Mike, I was going to
have to make my peace with him. When I had last seen him for real, I had
been less than congratulatory about his budding romance with a used car lot.
I wondered if my teacher really did know who in the school was gay, and
how I could find out, I also wondered if my uncle was gay. Somehow, I was
convinced he was.
I thought of Horace the Seagull, It was nice to get that line of his
leg, my scratched hand was a reminder that this was one action that was for
real, it also added weight to the story that I had given my parents. I
thought about the questions I had later asked him.
The one action I really regretted, was throwing the picture of Mike
into the sea. I was going to have to ask him for a copy of it. No. I had
more to do than just that, I needed to talk to Mike's dad. I had caused a
lot of problems. Hell, so many problems, I wasn't even sure he would talk to
me. How was I to say I was sorry, and sorry for what exactly.
For the first time in my life, my system failed. No imaginary Mr
Ridgeway appeared, nobody at all appeared, just darkness taking away my
conscious thought as I drifted off to a deep and restful sleep, happy in the
knowledge that I would wake from this one, unlike the one for which I had
planned. This was to be a good nights rest.
Wake up or what ?!!!, I went from deep slumber to wide awake in
seconds. I was electric, I was humming I was on a high like I had never been
on before. I looked out of my bedroom window. It was cold, wet, miserable
and grey. What is it they say? Up with the rocket and down with the stick.
Yes that's about it, still never mind.
I had my day all planned out and I had been awake nearly three minutes
of it and had done nothing. Time to improve on that!. I went down stairs and
started to put details to the plans I had pretty much woken up to.
First job. Top priority. The nasty one so get it over with. Go to see
Mike and his mum and dad. Loads of apologies and grovelling. If Mike was
straight after all, or even Bi, I wanted to get the friendship back on an
even keel. If he was really gay like I still thought he probably was, then I
wanted to be there for him when he and Mercedes didn't work out.
I also wanted to be seen to accept Mike in his new role. There were
brownie points to be won there. As I started eating my breakfast I looked at
Mum and Dad. I knew step one right away, slow down with the eating.
"Sorry I was late back last night, I sort of lost track of time when I
was up the pier."
"What on earth were you doing up there? I know you get on there after
its closed and fish, but you didn't take any rods or anything. What do you
think you were doing up there all that time?"
"I was just looking and thinking. I like it up there. I was hoping
Frank would be there, he often fishes on Friday nights if the tides are
right. I was going to borrow a rod and have an hour or so with him."
"Will you be going again tonight, Your dad reckoned you should, the
tides are good."
"They're as good as you will get this month son, If it weren't so
damned cold, I would come with you."
Dad rarely fished with me these days. I had taken to fishing at night
in the winter, he preferred day fishing in the summer. I suppose people get
like that when they're old. Also there was no way he could clamber about to
get up on the pier seaward of the gate house.
"Yes I will be there tonight. Is it ok if I do an all nighter, I think
Frank will be there."
"My god! When I was your age, a sleepover was at a friend's house with
a good mate, Your idea is to stay awake all night in the company of a dead
cod."
"Frank will probably be there!"
"I've met your friend Frank, I think I preferred the cod."
Frank was a cool guy about 25 or so. He often fished the pier and
sometimes took a small boat out, but the boat was only ever a daylight
thing. His main value to me was that as long as he was there, neither mum
nor dad minded me being there all night.
I knew he was gay too and he knew I was, but that was something I never
mentioned to mum and dad. Thought it best not to. He had never made a move
towards me and thinking back to those cameras, that was a result. I didn't
fancy him at all though, he was much too old.
Right, that was me settled. I was going to use the fishing trip as my
cover story for everything I wanted to do today. First get the bait. That
would take most of the morning as it would include going to see Mike.
Breakfast eaten and parents settled into their Saturday routines, I was
on my bike heading for Mikes house. It was not that far from the bait shop
so I went there first. Low water was at about five this evening so I would
be able to dig some more bait at about three thirty onwards.
I cannot say Mike's dad was wearing a smile when he saw me at the door.
He wasn't scowling exactly but I have seen more welcoming faces, sometimes
on the cod I've just caught. He informed me that I had just missed Mike, he
was out with a young lady called Mercedes.
"Oh pity, I'd hoped to see both of them. I wanted to see you too. I
wanted to... to... I wanted to... It was that I ... I... Well I... I mean ...
I... errr..."
"Would you like to come in, you seem to be struggling a bit."
I must have practiced this speech half a dozen times whilst riding my
bike, yet here I was absolutely lost for words. I knew I had caused problems
but I somehow couldn't get that one word I needed to say, to pass my lips.
"Now sit down Chris, and try again."
I have never had the reputation of being a cry-baby but the moment I
tried again to say I was sorry, it wasn't words coming out, it was tears.
Eventually it happened, it was stuttered slightly but it was out. I had said
`I'm sorry'.
Nigel Ridgeway was actually a really nice guy and he wasted no time in
lightening my load.
"It takes a man to admit that he has got something wrong and a bigger
man to apologise for it. I know you thought Mike was a homosexual, and you
know that I thought it was just a phase in his growing up. It may well be a
phase for you too. NOooo don't answer yet, let me finish.
"Mike is going out with a girlfriend. I know he told you he was,
because he told me how upset you were about it. I also know that he was
upset that you didn't seem interested in a continuing friendship. I take it
from this visit that you may have reconsidered that."
"I do want to stay friends with Mike if Mercedes will let me, and if
Mike still does too."
The conversation carried on along those lines for a while and Nigel
made us both a cup of coffee. I had regained my self control and was able to
discuss the issues quite easily. I had described my days plans to him and he
told me he would chat to Mike and perhaps Mike would catch up with me later
today or tomorrow. It was as much as I could reasonably ask... for now!
I followed the falling tide and as soon as it cleared my favourite
marks I started bait digging. After just over the hour I had enough bait to
last a good night session, more than enough, but I knew I could sell the
surplus easily. My arms and back however were telling me that I had worked
too hard too fast and they were not happy limbs.
I could see the base of the pier from where I stood and could see one
of the security men watching me through binoculars. I waved and he returned
the greeting. Well we both now knew where I was going to be found tonight.
It was now five o'clock and the pier was just closing. I would give it
an hour or so for everyone to be cleared off, that would give me time to get
home, have a bite and get my tackle back here.
By six o'clock I was at the head of the pier and had two rods out. I
looked round the shelter and after a while I worked out where the camera
was. It was well hidden but I waved to it anyway. I looked down the pier and
was surprised to see Mike and Mercedes walking up.
"Hi Chris, Dad said you would be up here, and security told us you
were. Oh yes, a message from them, `don't bother sneaking on here any more,
knock on their door and they will let you on.' They're cool aren't they. We
watched you climb up, you were on the monitor."
"I suppose you both think I've been a bit of a dork! I'm sorry"
Mercedes really shook me, she came over and kissed me square on the
cheek.
"Any real friend of Mike's is a friend of mine, and you are Mike's
closest friend. I know all about you, all that I need to know that is. If
you are prepared to let me into your life and let me be there with Mike, we
would both be very happy."
That was the moment the tip of my fishing rod twitched. In a moment I
was holding it. I could sense both Mike and Mercedes smiling at me and my
ideas about priorities. Holding the pier rod steadily I look into the sea,
waiting for that second twitch the cod are so renowned for.
The water looks black. It's seven in the evening and the pier closed two
hours ago. Yes I am back where I was just twenty four hours ago. There is a
difference though, such a big difference.
Yes I am still upset that Mike is no longer my boyfriend and yes it
still hurts, but it feels different now. Yes I am still worried about the
number of people who know I am gay but there is nothing I can do about that
so... Well so what!
Do my parents know about me? I really don't know. I thought they did but
now I'm not so sure. If I tell them all about me, what can they do about it?
And what if I am wrong?
So many people have told me that I could be wrong, I am left with two
options. Agree with them or disagree with them, either way it won't change
them, and it certainly won't change me so why do either. Just smile nicely
and do what I do.
I feel I have learned so many things in the last twenty four hours but
the one thing I have learned is something I was told ages ago but never
really thought about it. I am myself, nobody else just me.
So what about that closet I keep threatening to come out of. Wondering
if I should or not, wondering what's for the best, and worst of all,
worrying, always worrying. What will people say? What will people think? Do
they need to know? And do I need them to know? That's the big one, well both
of those last two questions are the big ones
`Do they need to know', and `do I need them to know'. This is my
decision. If someone needs to know or should I need someone to know, I shall
tell them. I shall ask them to respect my privacy and not broadcast it
unnecessarily but it's not a secret. I will not be telling them I am gay, I
shall tell them that I am what I am, and if I am attracted to them sexually,
I shall tell them that too.
If somebody wants to come into my life I'll say to them,
"Come on in. Sorry about the mess!"
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That was `Come on in. Sorry about the mess' by Angela Mynah
angela_mynah@msn.com
All comments welcome, even flamers. Its being ignored I can't stand.
Please do e-mail me; I get a lot of my ideas from what you say, also, please
tell me where you read this as I intent to post it to more than one site.