Date: Fri, 15 Oct 2004 18:39:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: Thomas-Alexander Kind <thomasalexander_kind@yahoo.com>
Subject: Mihai-11

'The truth is out there.!'
And now here as well, as this is true and not all that
long ago...or maybe too long ago.!
No disclaimer, as the ones that hold the power do what
they want anyhow. Everybody else does not need one.
Storycode:M/b

Mihai-11

He is laying beside me, sleeping peacefully.
I can not find my way to dreamland.
Watch him as he moves a little closer to the edge of
the bed... curls into himself.
Somewhere else, somewhere far away it seems.
But as I feel the sadness slip into my heart... he
turns, pushes his head into the pit of my arm above
him, grips a handful of flesh on my neck and holds on.
Asleep, I pull him close to me and with a long exhale,
he stretches alongside of me and his leg finds its
natural resting place between mine.
So there is no place left for sadness in my heart now
tonight... it is full.
Full of love for my boy.
How easy it is to fall asleep.
	*
Business is getting worse, but pays for rent and food.
And I can not find a way to get me past the need to be
with him.
So we fall into the routines again that make the days
flow along like some lazy river.
I just about forgive myself for my monstrous deed of
leaving him again.
It becomes another one of those things that are locked
away in the darkness of the basement of my soul.
Mihai has put on weight again, looks almost healthy
with his summer-tan and another inch in height.
I keep stuffing him with more food... he has
discovered the delights of frozen Pizza.!
I make him eat salad... of which he picks out the
cucumber and tomatoes and leaves those leafs.
I have stocked up on Vitamin pills.
He needs new clothes... and is proudly showing off
that he has outgrown his running-shoes.!
And proceeds to take all his old clothes to his
mothers.

And brings Vasile back with him.
That night, Vasile is sent to sleep on the couch,
Mihai tells me that things are not so good at home.
Big brother is back.!
And asking questions about the food, the money,... who
is out there that is the 'money-bags' and obviously
scheming to get some of it for himself.
Mihai is scared of him, and I get the feeling that the
rest of his family is as well.
So,... how about keeping Vasile with us.?
Winter is coming and Vasile's life on the street will
become much tougher if he can't go home.
Snow and cold... having to make choices that are less
than healthy.
I know that Mihai is not all happy about it, and to be
honest, neither am I.
He feels responsible for Vasile, but knows that it
will not just be him-and-me any longer.
In the end he is almost crying.!

We will make arrangements.
How can I send this, even younger boy, out into the
street, with winter coming.?
It is not so long and Christmas will be here.
Gods, this sounds like a Dickens story.
But is the truth.

In the end we settle into this new arrangement with
less difficulty than I had feared.
Yes, there is fighting over which TV program to watch,
who's turn it is to take out the garbage and Vasile
needs to be corrected some times by me.
But there is no jealousy and in some ways Mihai is
clearly letting me take some of the responsibility off
his slim shoulders.
It is time for winter coats and boots.
The first frost and even a snow flurry.
Mihai is going into hibernation mode.
If I would let him, he would move from the bed to the
couch,... dragging the duvet-cover with him.
Vasile is out with the boys from the block.
The first snowfall demands snowball fights.
And even Mihai can't resist.

So that night, it is cold boys that need hot baths and
hot milk to defrost.
They discover the pleasure of warm rice-pudding...with
whipped-cream.!
And get cream all over their naked dry skin and
Vitamin pills down their throats.
I will get them through this winter without the usual
cold...which in this country gets cured with
'Antibiotics'.!
Well almost... beside the worry about the
ever-dwindling revenues from the shop, I now have the
worry of having 2 sick boys.
Just before Christmas.
So they are relegated to my bed, why are they
smiling?,... sweet-talk me into dragging the TV there,
and supplied with gentle cold medicine.
Certainly no 'Antibiotics' for a cold.!
They are miserable small mice under my duvet, hot
sometimes and cold the other.
I am sleeping on the couch for days.
But when I get woken up by Mihai sliding under the
covers next to me in the living room, I know that it
is almost over.
He wants to be close, wants loving... how can I
refuse.?!
Christmas comes with a lot of snow and small groups of
boys coming to the door, singing carols for gifts of
food or small money.
Every boy knows the songs to sing.
Vasile is out with the boys from the block, making
money.
Mihai sings for me sitting in bed with me.

Yes, they handed off their cold to me, thank you
boys.!
He smiles at me and makes me drink hot milk.!
Scolds me when I keep getting up to go to the shop or
to buy food and such.
Will not leave me at night.
And sleeps soundly through even my worst coughing
fits.

Mihai and Vasile are going home to mother with bags of
presents and food.
They are quite sure that big-brother and father will
be totally drunk somewhere else.
So it is safe.
So while they are out I set out their gifts.
Why does it always get me choked up.?
Since I have vetoed a Christmas-Tree, we have lights
strung around the kitchen, the hall, the bedroom...
the bathroom.! And of course in the living room.
I stop them from decorating my desk by threatening
physical punishment.!
At which they snicker.
But then, as I am waiting for them to return, and all
those little lights are positively twinkling, I admit
to myself that whatever comes, this was worth it.
Cold, exited boys snow in through the door.
Drop their coats and boots and after pit-stop in the
bathroom are all over the gifts that are in front of
the TV.
I wish I could give them something more lasting than
toys, though.
But toys are good too.
I make them sing me a song first,... but they are not
shy about it and I get kisses on top of it.

I get to play with Vasile with his new race-car set,
and Mihai has disappeared into the bedroom with his
CD-player.
The clothes that are presents only get looked at
cursory, until Vasile realizes that they
are...'original'.!
This is a big thing in this 'knock-off' country.
Yes, these are the real thing. Brand name and NEW.
Both boys snicker at the flannel pj's ... but spend
the entire next day in them.!
I push away all worry and fear and the little light
inside of myself is shining a warm light as I sit with
my glass of red wine and listen to them chatter.
	*
We are off to the airport to pick up a friend of mine
that has come to visit for a couple of weeks.
Always an exciting trip.
We may get stopped by the police... they like the
airport run for making a little extra money.!

Mihai is animated and happy after we find him.
Vasile quiet and cute.
He had visited before and so was no stranger to Mihai.
We are having a good holiday visit with Andy.
We go to shows and restaurants.
Play Monopoly.
In local language... I can't help but shake my head at
the situation.
Mihai is much too intense... Vasile makes deals with
Andy.
They are making deals in many ways and are getting
along very well.
Somehow it seems natural that Vasile ends up in the
living room with Andy, watching TV, while Mihai and
myself are in bed already.
Vasile never makes it back into our bed.
It seems to fit.
If I did not know Vasile as a very independent boy,
who has been taking care of himself for some years, I
would feel uneasy.
But I would doubt anybody could get Vasile to do
something he does not agree with. He has a much harder
shell than Mihai.
So in the end it is clear that Andy will come back in
a few months.
To stay... for a while.
Vasile will wait at my place, and then move in with
Andy.

I am finally admitting to myself that keeping the shop
open any longer will take more than it will give.
The damages are getting out of hand.
I have had to hire a guard.
I can no longer afford to replace things that get
stolen or damaged.
What took more than a year to build, is destroyed in a
little more than 4 months.!
And with it my income stream.
I am lucky to find that my friends have use for some
of the equipment and are willing to pay fair-market
value for it.

It somehow got to be Spring.
Andy has come back and has found an apartment.
Vasile has moved in with him.
Mihai is obviously quite releaved... celebrates our
'freedom' by making love with me on the living room
floor, laughing and moaning.
We are being reckless... we crawl into each other
again.
	*
Change is necessary.
My funds are seeping away.
We are moving to a new apartment.
Right in the middle of town.
Three stories closer to heaven.
Cheaper, and I can give back the car.
Mihai has his bike and I the Subway.

With a huge roof-top patio between the living room and
the kitchen.
High ceilings and only one neighbour on the same
floor.
I never do see them... begin to think they do not
actually exist.
We are moving to our own private place again.
There are visitors, but nobody is allowed to stay.
Just us.
I am jealous of every hour someone takes me away from
here, from Mihai.
It is a kind of desperation, that crawls around inside
of myself.
Try for all kinds of work.
But in reality there is little chance of anything.
Only want to go out if Mihai is out as well.
I am holding on, with both hands.
Hold on to Mihai at night with all my body.
But wake up sometimes in the middle of the night,
worrying about the next day.

Mihai is not immune to all this,... but I want him to
stay away from the money problems.
Want him to eat and grow and continue to be become
more beautiful every month.
He is going to be 16 this fall, and the top of his
head is now under my chin.
He is 4 feet and 11 proud inches tall.!
	*
Another hot summer.
I drive the car back to the West.
But this time I do not have to worry about Mihai.
He is staying with Andy and Vasile, while I am gone.
I am spending 26 hours in a bus to get back to him.

He is waiting at the bus-stop when I get off...
sparkling smile, a hug and a welcome kiss on my cheek.
I like this.
Carries half my bags and once inside our flat,
crunches me in a hug that lets me know that he has
been missing me, as much as I him.!
Not many presents for him this time... by now I am
living on borrowed money with him.
The rent is paid up until the end of the year...
borrowed money.
There is money for the utilities in the bank...
borrowed.
There is money for food and such... mine, but not
enough.
I have gone begging and I will have to do some more...
if things do not change.
Mihai does the shopping at the market, two blocks
away.
He is following the list too well... so I buy the
Strawberries, he likes so much.
I get scolded for it first and kissed after.
He is refusing to take any change for himself.

I have to fight with him about taking money to his
family... but I want to get his Birth-Certificate from
mother.
And that will not happen without 'good-will'.
This is the first step to get his Identity Card, which
he can apply for at age 16.
Which is the first step to a Passport.!
But mother has all kinds of stories.
Money has to be paid to who-ever for bribes.
It is the source of much tension and frustration
between Mihai and myself.
I do not get it,... he seems so reluctant to push for
this.
I harbour the silent dream of getting a Passport for
him... of getting him out of here... of taking him
with me.!
Somewhere in my mind I know this is a VERY long
shot... but I Have to try.!
Finally I have to stop handing out money with no
results.
Mihai is very angry at his mother and does not want to
go there any longer.
So with the help of a friend that translates, I
finally understand what the problem is.!
Mihai is very ashamed about this, but I press on to
get to the truth... which is that his
Birth-Certificate was used for the boy that was sold
to someone, whenever this was.!
By this time Mihai is yelling at me... I have
trespassed on ground that is not mine to walk on.
He is crying, angry and agitated.
Is ashamed for this all and will not listen to me
telling him that it is not his fault.
Yells at me that he will get my money back and belts
out the door.!
I am too stunned to grab him in time.

See him running down the street and around the corner.
Gone.

I worry.
I wait.
I am desperate when he is not home for dinner.
But my search does not turn up anything.

Am sitting for hours on the little wall, looking out
to the street below and the corner, hoping for him to
round it and walk up to the house.
The night is warm,... I sit and smoke the umpteenth
cigarette.
Until suddenly the door to the flat opens and Mihai
walks in... through the living room and bedroom into
the bathroom.
I follow him in... but he is already in the shower.
I watch him... as he is soaping himself behind the
clear shower-curtain.
Sit on the washing-machine to wait for him to finish.
He does not really look at me as he steps out, all
shiny and wet.
But takes the towel I hand to him.
Dries himself, drinks a glass of pop in the kitchen
and switches on the TV.
We have not said one word.
He avoids my eyes, does not answer my questions... and
finally snorts, switches off the TV and goes to bed.
I am still stunned.

But, in the end I just go to bed myself.
Am laying beside him, as he is hiding himself under
the covers... and realize that I better get to work.
He does not want to be turned around, does not want my
arms around him... hisses at me and gets up to get
something from his pants.
Puts a few large bills on the bed, and hides under the
covers again.

I pick up the money.
I know what this means of course.
I know where he got this... and how.
Am shivering... choked up... and can not stop the
tears that are forming in my eyes.
Mihai is pretending to be asleep.
Except, when I move closer to him, I can hear him
sniffling ever so softly.
I reach over and touch is cheek.... Right, it is wet.!
I sit up and pull him up with me... he wants to push
me away... but NO, I am clear now.
You came back, Mihai.
You came back to me,... so here I am.
And I will not let you push me away, not with your
arms or with what you do.
He is not even struggling after the first minute.
Lets me fold him into my arms.
Lets me sit him on my lap.
Lets me stroke his back and kiss his hair.

But does not let me look into his eyes.
Mihai, we have gone too far, to turn away from each
other.
This is not going to take me away from you... don't
let it take you away from me.!
Tell me you are ok.
We both know all about this.
I know the old movie theater you can go to, Mihai.
I have known for some time.
I know about the men that go there.
At a different time I may have been one myself, Mihai.

In a different time and place I have been like all of
those men.
But now, here, it is you and me.
I love you, Mihai.

I love you, Mihai... is all he can understand because
I am using his language.
But his face comes up.
He looks into my eyes, hard, looking for lies.

Kisses my neck and I his face.
Whispers that he does too.
And holds on to me as I slide down and keep him on me
in my arms until his breathing slows and he I is
asleep.



More in Mihai-12