Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2004 20:54:28 -0500 (EST) From: "Publishing@TomCup.com" <publishing@tomcup.com> Subject: My Symon By Rick Lawton - Chapter 4 - A/Y Copyright 2000-2004 by the Paratwa Partnership: A Colorado Corporation. All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic or mechanical, except in the case of reviews, without written permission from the Paratwa Partnership, Inc, 354 Plateau Drive, Florissant, CO 80816 This is a fictional story involving alternative sexual relationships. If this type of material offends you, please do not read any further. This material is intended for mature adult audiences. Names, characters, locations and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ********************************************************************** What's New at TomCup.com? My Symon by Rick Lawton Chapter 7: Added 04/09 * The Nasty Boys Club by Tom Cup Chapter 3: Added 04/04 * Calvin: Identity Crisis by Tom Cup: Chapter 3 Added 3/27 The Innocents Part 4: Paulo and Beto by Richard Dean: Chapter 19 Added 03/15 Short Story: On the Way to Walmart by Tom Cup: Added 03/14* Airport Voyeur Part 2 by Adam Bricker Chapter 4: Added 03/09* Lion of Bolognia by Tom Cup: Queen of Hearts Chapter 1: Added 03/07* My Symon by Rick Lawton Chapter 6: Added 03/03* KOABoy By Tom Cup Chapter 12: Added 02/29 YardWork by Thorn Added 02/26* The Innocents Part 4: Paulo and Beto by Richard Dean: Chapter 18 Added 02/23 My Symon by Rick Lawton Chapter 5: Added 02/13* The Confederados by Richard Dean: Chapter 4 Added 2/08 Lion of Bolognia by Tom Cup: Lion's Heart Chapter 11: Added 01/27* The Innocents Part 4: Paulo and Beto by Richard Dean: Chapter 17 Added 01/16 My Symon (Revised) by Rick Lawton Chapter 4: Added 01/14* *TomCup.com now offers an Executive Club membership! ** Tom Cup's "Of Our Teenage Years" is scheduled for publication and release in paperback in the Spring of 2004. Check it out at http://www.tomcup.com! ********************************************************************** The Paratwa Partnership, Inc. is a publication and marketing agency and is not responsible for the content of the Tom Cup Library, TomCup.com or its affiliate sites, or stories written by Mr. Cup or his associates. ********************************************************************** My Symon By Rick Lawton ricklawton@tomcup.com Chapter 4 I sat for what seemed an eternity. My sheets were soaking wet with my sweat. The dream was more powerful than I had thought, and that disturbed me. Hell, everything about this bothered me; from a simple look having an impact on me, to a touch sending shivers through my body, to his piercing gaze looking directly into my soul. What was Symon doing to me? And why was I so scared? Unfinished business, he said. Did he mean he wanted more? Did he want another blow-job? Was that all he was looking for? Was I falling for someone who just wanted to get laid every now and then? The voice inside me started - falling for someone... Lawton get a grip! You sucked a kid off, that's all. He got a blow-job and left. You're actually falling in love with him? What a dumbass! Get your head out of your ass and come back to reality. Hello, you've done this before, remember?? Jeremy. Ian. Steve. Shall I keep going? You've "fallen" for these guys, and all they wanted was sex. And what did you end up with? A broken heart. Stupid, Rick, very very stupid. Yeah, I was stupid. That was the story of my life. I looked around my bedroom, trying to clear my head. It didn't work -- I had too much on my mind. Or was it just one thing on my mind? Was it just Symon? The house was quiet; all I could hear were the raindrops hitting the roof. The storm had passed, and the neighborhood was calm; at least something was calm, because I sure wasn't. I hadn't felt this way since I was younger and still in the closet, nervous as hell about what people might think about my being gay. I had these nightmares of my entire family turning their back on me. My parents would disown me. My brother would never want to see me again, and he'd never allow me to see my two nephews. My friends would tell me to fuck off, everyone I knew would say "we knew he was gay!!" and then the gossiping would start, and my life would be ruined. It was for these reasons that I kept to myself, hiding away my true self from everyone I knew and loved -- my family, my friends, even from myself. And I became depressed and miserable and angry. I got mad at the dumbest things. I questioned everything about myself -- my appearance, my career, and my choices. I hated myself, and it showed. I also did stupid things, like meeting strange guys from the Internet just for sex. I was lucky to have never gotten physically hurt. If I had been, I don't know how I would have been able to explain myself -- I never told anyone where I was going, or what I was doing. Being an intelligent man (or at least in my mind), I started to think through all that had happened since meeting Symon on Sunday at the market. First I wanted to figure out why this kid, whom I didn't know, was affecting me in such a powerful way. What was it about him that got me all nervous? Yes, physically he was my type, there was no doubt about that. But was this another stupid obsession of mine? Was this yet another example of my getting into something that, in reality, wasn't what it seemed to be? When it comes to my life as a gay man, it took me a long time to accept my sexuality. At the outset, I always thought my having feelings for other guys were due to my constantly being horny. What did I know - I was a young healthy teenager, who always had raging hardons. In fact, I would jerk off three or four times a day, every day -- I was that horny! And my first encounters with guys were just jerk off sessions with my high school buddies. We didn't know what gay or straight meant -- we just needed to get off. As I got older, I got braver, and started going to the gay clubs (still lying to my folks about where I was going on a Saturday night -- I still have guilt about that). And in the gay clubs, I met guys who just wanted to get off, but instead of jerking off, they wanted to suck a cock, or get fucked. Lucky me! I was a kid in a candy store -- it was amazing!! Then the Internet sprang up, and I began meeting strangers in chat rooms and leaving the house at all hours of the night just to get off. Unfortunately, I ended up with genital warts from one such encounter, and my whole world came crumbling down. I mentioned I never got physically hurt, which is true. But I did get a fucking STD, and it was then I came out, not by choice but necessity. I couldn't call anyone but Kerry. I knew he'd be the one who would know what to do, and be there for me. Prior to this, Kerry and I had spoken about my sexuality only once. "We have to talk about something," he said. I immediately knew what he wanted to talk about. "What?" "You know what." "Okay, so we're going to play that game, are we?" "Rick, you know..." and his voice trailed off. Fuck, he knows. How the fuck could he know! And why was he asking me now, of all times. "Kerry, stop being so mysterious and tell me what you are talking about." "Come on man. You want me to say it?" And we remained quiet for a few seconds, as I tried to figure out what to say to him. Fuck! "You want to know if I'm gay," I finally said, not sure why I vocalized it. "Yes." "Well I'm not. And I've never been asked that before. But thanks for being my first," I said jokingly, hoping to break the serious mood. It didn't work. "Rick, please be honest with me. Listen, it doesn't matter. I could care less. Really. Megan and I spoke about it over a year ago, and it doesn't matter to either of us." Over a year ago? He's known for over a year, or suspected, and didn't say anything. I wasn't sure what was scarier -- him asking or him knowing without asking. At that moment, I knew in my heart that no matter what I did or said, Kerry Hactor would be my best friend forever. But for me to tell him, I would have to accept it. And I just couldn't. Not yet. "Sorry you think I'm lying, Kerry, but I'm not." With that I gave him a lame excuse and hung up. I looked at the phone. "Fuck." With the STD that I had gotten from an anonymous encounter a few years later, I had to tell Kerry. He and Megan had just gotten married, and we were closer than ever. Still, he never brought up the conversation from the night years before Perhaps because he was waiting for me to bring it up. I've got to hand it to him -- it really didn't matter. "What's wrong? You look like shit," Kerry said as he walked into my apartment. "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to say something, but couldn't vocalize the words. I was so damn scared. "Rick," Kerry said softly, "just tell me what's wrong. It's okay." "Kerry," I began, clearing my throat, "um... I... er..." God help me. Why was it so hard to just say those three words? It's Kerry, he knows already anyway, knows me better than anyone, even myself. Just say it and get it over with. "I'm gay." He smiled. "Finally. Big deal, I've known you're gay for years. Now where do you want to go for dinner?" I had to laugh. I felt the years of secrecy, of guilt and lies, roll off my shoulders and away from me, and this huge weight that I had carried for what seemed like an eternity disappear. "Ker, there's more," I said suddenly, breaking the jovial mood. Kerry's face became serious and sad. "Rick, are you sick?" "I am sick, but not with HIV, thank god," I started. "I have genital warts man, and I don't know what to do." Without saying another word, Kerry took out his cell phone, dialed a number, spoke to whoever answered on the other end, and then hung up a minute later. "Let's go," he said, grabbing his coat. "Where?" "You'll see." Kerry drove me downtown to what turned out to be his doctor's office. And for the first time, I met Dr. Brian Snyder, about whom Kerry spoke highly and who, it turns out, was gay. Brian examined me, while Kerry waited in the waiting room, and spent an hour talking to me about my sexual history. Never once did it seem he was judging me. Not once did he give me a weird look, or make a dumb comment. He was a professional. In the end, he gave me a prescription for this cream that applied three times a day would rid me of the warts. I shook his hand, thanked him for his time, and Kerry and I left. We were quiet in the car. "What tipped you off?" I finally asked. "About you being gay?" he asked. I nodded. "Nothing specific. Just something I felt." He parked at the curb, turned the ignition off, and turned toward me. "Rick, you are my best friend. You have always been my best friend, and will remain my best friend. The fact that you're gay doesn't matter to me. It doesn't change who you are. It doesn't make you a different person. You are still Richard Michael Lawton, the guy I love like a brother. All I ask from you is to remain honest with me, okay?" I started to cry. "Kerry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to lie to you, of all people. I trust you with my life, and I love you too. Please forgive me." The years of my being in the closet kept a lot of emotions hidden. There, that evening in the car, with my best friend holding me tight, I finally came out of the closet, and every emotion I ever had came out with me. Kerry held me tight as I cried, smoothing my hair and whispering everything would be okay. I believed him. With Kerry at my side, I knew everything would indeed be okay. Everything would work out. Everything would be fine. I came out slowly over the next few months to my family and select friends. And it went much smoother than I had ever imagined. Most people told me they already suspected but weren't sure. They all asked if I was okay, and if this decision was making me happy. I wasn't sure how to answer that. I saw the disappointment in my parents' eyes, and that hurt me the most. I never wanted to hurt or disappoint the two most important people in my life, and yet what choice did I have? If I couldn't be honest with them, and in turn with myself, I would have remained miserable for the rest of my life. And I know in my heart they didn't want that. They wanted me to be happy, and if my coming out was the path that I needed to take for this happiness to occur, then so be it. I stopped meeting strangers for sex. I joined the Gay & Lesbian Alliance, and became an active member, meeting people for non-sexual activities, becoming friends with a few members, and friendly with others. I became more comfortable with my sexuality, and didn't allow it to rule my life. As I tell people to this day, "I'm a guy who happens to be gay, not a gay man." That may not make sense, but in essence I tell people that being gay is just a part of me, like my being a Financial Advisor, or like my interest in sports, or history. It doesn't define me. I remember going online to these chat rooms and every week guys would be talking about their plans to go to this club or that club on Friday and Saturday and then they'd be back in the same rooms on Monday talking about what clubs they went to that weekend. It was a never-ending cycle, and I got bored of it quickly. I became more and more interested in helping people who were either just coming out or thinking about it. The people who worked at the Rainbow Center, where the Gay & Lesbian Alliance had their offices, asked me to help out with the gay hotlines once a week, so I began doing that. I also began mentoring young men who would come around, and one of these guys, whose name is Chad, was someone I became quite close to. Chad was just a few years younger than me, very confused about his orientation, and not at all sure about what to do. When he first came to the Rainbow Center, I was the one who first spoke with him, and before too long, he and I became good friends. Chad looked up to me as an older brother and I became his confidant. He told me everything about himself, about where he went to find sex, how he obsessed over his looks and appearance, how self-conscious he was because of his weight (he was just a bit overweight) and how he was constantly being turned down by guys because he wasn't what they were looking for. Chad told me these guys only wanted other guys in shape or muscular, who had big cocks and could fuck like rabbits. "Why would you want anyone who wasn't interested in you?" I asked him one evening over coffee. "Look at how amazing you are -- you're smart, funny, cute, and a great guy. You have so much to offer." Chad blushed. "Thanks Rick, but my being smart and funny doesn't matter when it comes to looks. You see how I am -- short, fat. I'm not hung, I'm not muscular. I don't have a flat stomach... Rick, this is what these guys want." "Not all guys, Chad," I started. "And like I said, why would you want these guys if that is all they want?" "Cause I'm horny," he said smiling. And we both laughed. But his telling me how depressed he felt every time he was turned down by someone really hit home. Chad had posted a picture of himself online, but no one responded to his ad. He would go online and wait in the chat rooms, but no one would approach him. He was sad, lonely, depressed, and utterly confused. I asked him if he had ever met anyone he liked more than just a fuck buddy, and he said yes. Chad, like me, is a romantic, and has met a few guys with whom he's wanted more than just sex. These guys would constantly turn him down, but instead of letting it go, Chad would get obsessed and try his best to convince them to have sex with him at least once. He told me of this one guy named Mike whom he had met online. They chatted and eventually traded pictures. Mike told Chad he wasn't his type, but Chad, who was very interested in Mike, desperately tried to get Mike to meet up. Chad actually begged, but to no avail. Mike refused, until one day both he and Mike were in the chat room, and began to talk. Surprisingly, Mike actually invited Chad over to his place, and Chad rushed over. When he got there, Mike had changed his mind and told him he wasn't interested. Chad was crushed, and dejectedly left Mike's place. Chad told me he runs into Mike every now and again, but Mike refuses to have anything to do with him. "What should I do? It's like an obsession with these guys. I can't help it," he said, and his words echoed in my ears as the rain continued to fall and the house remained quiet. An obsession... was Symon my obsession? What was I going to do? ********************************************************************** Send comments to: ricklawton@tomcup.com To support this and other stories by the author, join at http://www.tomcup.com. If you like this story, check out Tom Cup's "Calvin: A Coming of Age Story." Available at Barnes and Nobles Bookstores, Amazon.com, your local independent bookseller, or from Tom Cup.com. Tom Cup's "Of Our Teenage Years" is scheduled for publication and release in paperback in the Spring of 2004. Check it out at http://www.tomcup.com!