Date: Fri, 9 May 2003 18:28:07 -0700 (PDT)
From: LZ
Subject: Never Say Never, Nothing is Forever Chapter 10

     Saturday morning, Bill was waiting for me at a quarter
to nine, fifteen minutes before we were supposed to meet. I
half considered telling about my problem and asking if he
could find me a place to live if things got bad and I had to
run. The conversation never got to where I felt the courage
to bring it up.

     'So what do you think about a swim?' Before I could use
the excuse I'd prepared so I wouldn't get caught in my lie
about knowing how to swim, he said with a kind smile, 'I'll
teach you how I swim.'

     After a quick debate with myself, I smiled back and
agreed to go.

     'But I don't have shorts or nothing.'

     'Don't worry about that. You don't need them where
we're going.'

     'So, what do I wear?'

     'It's the YMCA, nothing!'

     'Nothing, like naked?

     'Like naked.'

     Visions of me swimming with fat, naked, old women
passed through my mind. 'Women too?'

     'YMCA means young men. Just males. No females. No
dicky, no swimy.'

     It took quite a while for me to get his little joke.

     We went to the Sloan House YMCA where customers had
taken me a couple of times. He was right, nothing but males.
One obvious gay commented on my `lovely eyes' and called us
`two muscle boys, yum' but appeared more interested in Bill
than me.

     I didn't see any boys until we were alongside the pool
where I counted seven from about six to fifteen years old. A
twelve year old with round shiny buns caught my eye as he
climbed out of the pool. Bill suggested we go to the shallow
end. I wanted to look at the boys. He pulled me by the hand.

     Once in the water, I became a little concerned. The
water where we were was shallow enough but I feared it
deepened just a short distance away. I held onto the wall.
Bill took me in his arms and gently pulled me away, holding
me face up, flat on the surface.

     'Just relax and float for a moment. I'll keep my hands
under you.'

     It took a few times because I kept doubling up and
sinking to his hands which were always there, one under my
ass, naturally, before I found enough confidence to loosen
up. Then he showed me how to kick and I found that I was
propelling myself, until I raised my arms and sank again to
his waiting arms. The next step was getting me to float face
down, holding my breath. I saw some kids with another guy
watching so I had to force myself to forget my fear of
drowning which was not as great as my fear of appearing
chicken in front of other kids. One had a wonderfully long
cock I wanted a longer look at but Bill kept goading and
pulling me so I didn't see much. In twenty minutes, I was
sort of swimming. When Bill pulled his hands away, I could
swim frantically from him about six or eight feet to the
ladder. It was exciting. I was sure I was the only kid in my
school that knew how to swim, at least among the Latinos.

     Past the excitement of my first swim, I took more time
to check out the boys who had been watching me. I wondered
what they thought a part nigger kid like me was doing with
this white man damn near as old as my grandfather. Was the
man with them their father? On closer examination, he was
far too young, probably in his very early twenties. There
was no obvious familial resemblance. Both of the boys were a
year or two older than me. One was pure blonde, very pretty
with skin like milk, almost as pretty as Georgie. He was the
one with the beautiful long dick that had caught my eye
earlier. The other was slim and muscular with light brown
hair and a smooth flat stomach that reflected light when he
got dripping wet out of the pool. They didn't look alike and
were the same age. The blond walked past us. His dick looked
an older version of Cholito's. It swung back and forth like
a drunken snake. His friend, following behind, was pubescent
with a fatter dong and bigger balls but no apparent pubic
hair.

     Maybe one was the young man's brother and the other was
his friend. That would really be neat, I thought, to have an
older brother who took you swimming and a friend who could
go with you.

     After an hour and a half in the water, Bill and I went
to the showers. Minutes later while Bill was washing my
back, the young man with the boys came in. The blond haired
boy was beautiful with his skinny, long hairless cock and
little balls that hung down at least a couple of inches like
marbles in a cloth bag. The circumcised cockhead seemed to
nestle between them. I couldn't take my eyes off him. Then I
noticed that the young man with them was studiously checking
me out. He and Bill greeted each other by name. The young
man asked him about me.

     'Michael, this is my friend Ray. He's a very nice boy,'
he put his arms around me affectionately, 'who is going to
be quite a swimmer one day if he practices.' I liked that
and looked to see how the other boys were taking it.

     They both nodded pleasantly at me.

     'This is Roy and Adrian,' said the young man indicating
the blonde first. I had a hard time not staring at Roy's
long, gorgeous dick. They stepped to me individually and
shook my hand. Bill still had his arms over my soapy chest.
Then he nudged me toward the others. 'You get to know the
boys while I talk to Michael for a moment.'

     I checked out his eyes to see if there was a hidden
message in what he had just said. He turned away before I
could tell. When I looked back, the two boys were patiently
waiting for me to talk with them.

     'How long you known Bill?' asked Adrian with a voice
that announced his entry into puberty. He had his hands
together in front of his crotch, accenting his nice
pectorals now punctuated with goose bumps.

     'About three weeks. How long you known him?'

     They both smiled. 'A long time, couple years at least.
You meet him on 42nd?'

     I nodded affirmatively. 'Where'd you meet him?'

     'In Queens, at the Astoria pool.'

     'How long you been with this guy?' I asked.

     'Oh, just a few weeks. Bill introduced us', answered
Roy. His voice was as smooth and young as his creamy body.

     The math was interesting. Did Bill drop these good
looking boys for me? 'You go with other johns too?'

     They glanced puzzled at each other then Roy spoke, 'you
mean like Bill and Michael? We did before, but not now.'

     'How much they pay?'

     Adrian looked first at Roy then said, 'they pay okay.
How much does Bill pay you?'

     'Five.' I wasn't sure I should have said that much. In
my experience, you only got over three if you did something
to the john and I didn't want these two thinking I was a fag
in case they didn't also perform extra services.

     They seemed impressed. 'They give us gifts too like a
couple weeks ago we both got watches and wallets, explained
Roy. Bill gave us bicycles last Christmas and some clothes.'

     My eyes kept dropping to that delectable dong between
Roy's legs. The bare, pinkish cockhead invited touch, looked
very suckable. I'd really have loved to see it hard, to see
how long it got and how it stuck out, straight in front or
up or curved like the fourteen year old I had to suck off
after the poker game. I wondered if they played games like
that. My dick was swelling.

     Two other men came into the shower so we washed
ourselves. I offered to wash Roy's back. It just came out of
my mouth, unplanned. He turned his back to me so I washed.
His skin with soap was as slippery as one of mother's dinner
plates. My dick stuck out like a one-way sign. I kept
washing, excited by the feel of his flesh while trying to
wish my pecker soft, an impossible desire. Adrian saw it and
grinned, nodding to Roy to take a look. That brought a
beautiful smile that just made my dick feel like it was
going to burst.

     'You better get upstairs quick so Bill can take care of
that,' whispered Roy.

     I looked over my shoulder to find our two men. They
were still talking and bathing at the same time. The two who
had just entered were under showers on the opposite side of
the room and seemed to be ignoring us.

     Adrian went to Bill and Michael. He glanced grinning
over at us as he spoke. Bill nodded assent to whatever he
said, rinsed off and left briefly, returning with an armful
of towels. He brought one to me though handing it over slow
enough to get a look at my hard on.

     As we dressed between the lockers, Bill asked me, 'Do
you want us to go with them to a restaurant or go upstairs
to my room first?'

     I preferred to go upstairs with Roy, but getting off in
whatever manner was my most pressing need. Still, I had to
ask. 'Are they going upstairs too?'

     Bill seemed to consider his answer before giving it.
'Would you like for all of us to go up together?'

     That was an exciting thought but there was Hell's
Kitchen tough kid decorum to be considered. 'Whatever you
want is okay.'

     'Let me see what Michael's plans are.'

     He went around to the other lockers for a moment. I
couldn't hear for the echoing noise from the pool. He was
back quickly.

     'We'll go up first and they'll join us in a few
minutes. That okay with you?'

     I tried to look nonchalant. 'Yeh.' Inside I was getting
that tingling feeling in my chest. My hard on came back full
strength. I hurried tying my shoes.

     We walked up to the lobby and to the elevators in back.
The young man behind the desk rolled his eyes and shook his
head. The elevator took us to the seventh floor to a nice
room with two beds, a desk and chair. I sat on the bed. It
was softer than the ones at the Holland but not as nice as
those of the Holiday Inn.

     Bill sat beside me and pulled me onto his lap. 'You're
sure it's okay for the other boys and Michael to be here
too?'

     I wondered if he actually didn't want them around when
he was having sex with me. I really wanted to have sex with
Roy or at least see him doing it with Michael. 'Whatever you
wanna do, it's okay.' I wondered if I'd said that right.
There was a light tapping on the door. Bill slid me off his
lap and let the three of them in. The boys were smiling and
came straight to me. They both sat to my left. Michael got
on his knees between them and began unbuttoning their shirts
simultaneously. Bill nudged his way between Adrian and me
and pulled me close. 'Want me to undress you?' he whispered
in my ear, `I'm an expert.'

     'Unnh huh,' I grinned.

     While he unbuttoned my shirt, I stretched down one arm
at a time and untied my shoes, pushing one off with the
other. Roy and Adrian lay back on the bed while Michael took
off their shoes and clean white socks. I was glad I'd washed
mine. Adrian's pants and underwear came down first. His cock
was already hard. It was fatter than Roy's though not quite
as long and had downy hair growing on the sides like a
small, split mustache. He glanced furtively at my crotch,
which was still covered as Bill undid the snap on my jeans.
I had my eyes on Roy's midsection from the moment Michael
pulled off his undershirt. I so wanted to put my mouth on
that smooth white skin. Bill stood me up so he could pull my
pants down. Roy lifted his hips for Michael. His dick sprang
out as the underpants came off, sticking straight out at
least four inches. I couldn't stop myself from reaching for
it. The feel was incredible. I regained control.

     'You got a big one, Roy,' I said clumsily, knowing full
well I'd already blown my cover.

     Then Roy fingered mine sending chills the length of my
body. 'Yours is going to be bigger than both ours. It's
already as fat as mine.' I was worried that if he held it
much longer, I'd get off.

     Bill and Michael stripped to their underwear, Bill
still apparently soft in boxers, Michael definitely hard in
briefs.

     My mind was spinning. What would they think if I
started sucking on Roy? Did they suck each other? Did they
want to fuck? How come the men were still in their
underwear? Were they waiting for us to do something? I held
on to Roy's dick, kneading it between my fingers. I hoped
he'd do something to get things started. He was already
beating me off a little. I lay back to see what he'd do,
wanting him to lay beside me. Would he kiss me? He stayed up
and masturbated me harder. It was nice but not what I
wanted. I looked at Bill, hoping he'd understand and fix it
so I could suck that long cock into my mouth. Bill didn't
understand. He knelt in front of me, gently removed Roy's
hand and began blowing me.

     Adrian crawled behind Roy and whispered in my ear, 'Let
me fuck you while he sucks.' I was far out of touch with my
usual persona. I was confused. I didn't want to let go of
Roy's cock. When Georgie fucked me for the movie, it felt
good but I didn't know this boy. How would I keep hold of
Roy's cock and let him fuck me? I sat up to be closer to
Roy, to see his face and try to figure out if there was any
way I could have him. Adrian took my move as an indication
that I was going to let him in. He moved close behind me and
slipped his finger underneath my buns, probing for my hole.
I didn't stop him but used it as an excuse to lean toward
Roy, to put my face on his shoulder. Adrian pushed me slowly
over. Bill moved to his right to stay on my dick. He either
didn't notice what was happening or didn't mind. I slid
farther across Roy's body, my hand still working his cock,
my face slipping down his chest. I couldn't stop my mouth
from opening, my lips from tasting Roy's hard nipple as it
went by.

     Finally, Roy lay back with my left arm under him. My
lips and tongue lathered his silky smooth stomach. There was
no stopping me from reaching my goal. I slowly stretched out
along the side of the bed. Bill moved with me, inadvertently
helping me adjust my position so he could suck me from the
floor but my face was at Roy's pelvis.

     Adrian moved in tight against my back and used his
fingers to locate my hole and guide his cock to the pucker.
It felt very slippery and warm as though someone had covered
it with hot saliva. I held Roy's peter with the palm of my
hand and let my mouth rest at its base. I could smell the
soap from the shower mixed with tender boy flesh. Adrian
pushed inside of me and hit the spot that made me stiffen. I
lifted my head, gazed at Roy's cockhead, and then dropped
down on it, savoring the feel of the spongy head then his
shaft sliding between my lips and over my tongue until it
rested at the back of my mouth. The sense of having hard boy
penises puncturing me from both ends of my body made me
cringe with pleasure, hug Roy tightly to me.

     Bill pulled my ass cheeks apart allowing Adrian greater
penetration. He pulled out and slid back in, again touching
that wonderful, tender spot up inside of me. I wished he was
longer. Adrian's fucking reminded me of the plastic handle
I'd taken off a carpet sweeper I'd found in the trash one
day so long ago. But this was much better. The feel of
Adrian's body tight against mine made it so much better.
Georgie fucking me had been great due to my feelings for him
but his dick wasn't long or big enough to provide the
physical sensations Adrian's did especially with Roy's
wonderful long cock nestled in my mouth. I went quickly past
the point of no return and throbbed inside Bill's mouth, a
throbbing that went on and on as Adrian fucked me again and
again. Roy had his hands on my head urging me to go faster
but always all the way down to his pelvis. I gripped his
body with my arms and clamped down with my lips, trying to
wrap my tongue around his shaft. Bill kept me in his mouth.
Adrian's thrusting punched my crotch repeatedly against
Bill's lips. The throbbing in my groin had stopped but the
good feeling stayed. I was going to be able to come again,
soon. Bill let my cock slip out of his mouth and sucked on
my balls. Roy was arching his back and moving his hips to
meet my mouth each time it descended. He held my head
tightly, pulling it hard against him each time I hit bottom.
Adrian bit into my shoulder. It interrupted my rhythm. I
felt him slamming into me harder, each time hitting that
spot, sending shockwaves of pleasure up through my cock and
spine to where he was biting me.

     Another arm wrapped around me. I hardly noticed but
Michael was behind Adrian with his saliva slicked dick
between the boy's thighs, his eyes on my mouth running up
and down Roy's slim, steel hard dick. The muscles on Roy's
body hardened. Adrian rammed into me and bit harder. I felt
the pumping of his orgasm. Michael's intracrural screwing
kept Adrian's dick banging against my spot. I tightened my
mouth even more on Roy's cock. He shuddered and worked his
hips harder, forcing me to pick up the pace. Bill sucked my
cock back into his mouth, keeping my balls in there too.

     Roy let go of my head and placed one hand on the bed
and the other on my shoulder to help his hips go higher and
harder. He sped up, bouncing my head all over. Then, with no
warning, he reached his summit. His cock didn't bloat, it
just pulsed sharply, almost as hard as Cholito's. I tasted
something sweet on the back of my tongue. He made a series
of short thrusts, his entire body shuddering. Then, just as
suddenly, he went limp everywhere but his cock. He was
breathing like a runner at the end of a marathon. Bill
sucked harder, his tongue rolling over my half exposed
glans. He grabbed Adrian's butt and pulled him hard into me.
His mouth on my cock and Adrian's peter against my prostate
took me home. I came again, this time from deeper inside
myself. My entire middle seemed involved. I had to open my
mouth and take in a couple of breaths.

     After a few moments, I realized that everyone was
still. Adrian was still inside me but Michael had apparently
reached his climax. Something warm and wet was dripping over
my thigh. Michel held the three of us firmly together. Bill
sucked gently on my balls. Adrian breathed through his lips,
which were still on my shoulder where he'd bitten me. I
hugged Roy.

     Gradually, Michael's hands fell away. Adrian slipped
out and fell back on the bed. I felt the cold where the air
hit the sweat that had developed between us. Roy sat up.

     Adrian said, 'I'm gonna take a shower.' There was sperm
dripping down the inside of his thighs. I looked at my own
and saw more of the same. Michael had pumped out quite a
load.

     We had to take turns, two at a time. I made sure I
showered with Roy and washed his back, and as much else as I
could. When I hugged him, he hugged me back.

     There was no discussion or comments from anyone about
what had just happened. I was very curious if this was a
regular thing with them, if we would be able to do it again.
But talk centered on hunger and where to eat.

     While we dressed, I began to contemplate what had just
happened. The sex was not business this time. It was more
like the night Georgie and I had slept together in the New
Jersey john's van but without the strong emotional tie I
felt toward my hustling partner. This had been sex for the
pure joy of it. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy a lot
of the sex I had with some of the men and definitely with
Georgie. Getting sucked off by someone who is good at it is
great. But it was done primarily for the money. It was
business.

            I looked at Roy who was sitting on the side of
the bed, still naked, putting on his undershirt. The light
from the thinly curtained window illuminated his creamy
flesh. His tummy stretched as he reached up, accenting the
muscles of his abdomen, drawing my eyes down to his crotch
and that wonderful long penis that flowed gently down from
where the abdominal muscles narrowed nearly to a point. I
found it beautiful and wanted to caress it, feel the smooth
flesh. His midsection softened gently as his arms came back
down. I felt a loss as the T-shirt covered him to his
thighs. His eyes caught mine staring at him. I realized I
had stopped dressing. Roy had seen my interest in his body.
He winked and smiled. What did he think of me? I'd blown
him, let his friend fuck me and was now engrossed with his
nude body.

     In the car my mind dragged up the hidden question: why
did I so like sucking on Roy's penis, feeling it, even just
looking at it. I even liked Adrian's cock and would have
happily sucked him too. I enjoyed having his dick up my
rear, feeling it pumping into me. I thrilled at his and
Roy's orgasms. Why? Georgie went with men but he never
sucked them nor allowed them to do more than stick their
dicks between his legs. When he blew me for the movie, that
was purely business. The moment it wasn't necessary for him
to have my cock in his mouth, out it came. I'd stayed on him
each time. Why did I like it and Georgie didn't? Why did I
suck on Roy and let Adrian fuck me? There had to be
something wrong with me. I wasn't effeminate, just the
opposite. I couldn't be a fag. Maybe I just liked sex more
than other people. So, why didn't I like Maria Santos like
Cholito. Jesus, this was so confusing, so screwed up! What
the fuck was I?

     I kicked hard at the car's firewall in front of my
feet. Bill was driving and looked over.

     `You okay?'

     I felt stupid and could only nod.

     `You're awfully quiet. Thinking about something we can
talk about?'

     Did he know what was in my mind? Could he read my mind?
That was scary. But maybe he knew why I was the way I was.
He liked sucking me and he sure wasn't a fairy. Maybe I was
like him. Holy shit, was I going to end up picking up boys
on Forty-Second Street and paying them three dollars to suck
their peters in movie theater bathroom stalls? Unless I
became a thief like my biological father, I wasn't ever
going to have the money to take kids to restaurants,
especially not in cars like the one Bill was driving. Shit,
why did I like sucking cock?

     Bill drove into an underground garage, driving the
disturbing thoughts out of my conscious. He and Michael
walked us to a restaurant on Second Avenue, knives, forks,
cloth napkins, thick ceramic plates with food I had never
seen before. It was delicious. I ate it all.

     Bill dropped Michael and the boys off near his
apartment and took me back to Hell's Kitchen. As I was about
to get out, he grabbed my hand.

     `C'mere you,' he said warmly. The hug was even warmer,
made me feel good all over.

     That night, I again found two fives in my rear pants
pocket. I was afraid to think about the possibility that
this man might really like me. None had before, not really.
Why should this one?

    As I'd promised him, I took Cholito to the Square
Sunday. I got us there before ten in hopes that John would
make our meeting. I kept us in Herman's for over an hour
before giving up hope he'd arrive. I was angry with myself
for not giving him my address so he could find me during the
week or early on weekends. Maybe he'd make it in the
afternoon. I planned to have Cholito back home and be back
on the Square by two or a little after.

    Cholito was becoming proficient at Skee Ball and went
through two dollars on that alone. He was apologetic when I
said that we had to save something for food and the movie. I
didn't really care. Watching this boy enjoy what my money
provided was worth every penny. I really cared about him. If
that was what it was like being the kind of fag I was, then
it would be okay.

    A man I'd never seen sidled up to us. I had no doubt he
was a john and wanted to get rid of the guy. But he was
persistent, finally asking, 'Aren't you a friend of
Georgie?'

    'Look, mister, I don't know who you're talking about so
take a hike!' I'd heard Bogart or Raft use that line. It
felt cool saying it.

    An amused expression appeared on the man's face. He
shrugged his shoulders and walked away.

    'Who was that guy?' asked Cholito. `You friends with
Georgie Shannon?'

    'Man, there's lots of Georgie's in the world. I don't
know who he's talking about.'

    As usual, Cholito accepted my shaky response but I had
to find somewhere else to take my friend or he'd soon figure
out why I knew the area so well.

    We ate burgers on Eighth Avenue and watched a war movie
with Kirk Douglas, another of my heroes. When alone and near
a mirror, I'd sometimes practice gritting my teeth as he did
and use a pencil to create the Douglas chin dimple.

    I got back to the square at quarter to three still
harboring a slight hope of finding John. During the cold
hour and fifteen minutes it took to find a score, he didn't
appear. I didn't get picked up until well after four. The
guy was new to me but short and clean. The tip of his
overcoat liner hung loose. He wasn't a cop. We went by
subway to a sleazy lower Manhattan rooming house where I
made four. His sucking technique was great. I got off twice,
sucking his small cock in between times. He offered a hot
shower, which I declined then accepted knowing there was no
more time for a second trick and I was already naked. The
shower was down the hall. He washed me. Another man passed
us on the way back to the room and, grinning, waved a finger
at my john. As I was leaving, he apologized for the small
amount, pleading poverty, which was believable. He did give
me a pair of subway tokens as a tip.

     I went straight back to the house.

     Lester Shannon was waiting on the stoop. My first
thought was that he was genuinely horny and desperate for a
blowjob. There was no way he was going to get one from me.
But his reason for being there had nothing to do with sex.

     `Ray Hoolihan says he wants to you to go see him at
Noonan's right now.' Noonan's was a bar on Tenth Avenue.

     My immediate reaction was that he was going to help me
with the juvenile court hearing. It was the farthest thing
from his mind.

     'We got this thing we gotta do tomorrow night and we
need your help. It's quick, easy and you'll make fifty
bucks.'

     I knew he was a thief and he'd never given me fifty
bucks except at Christmas. I was going to be a look out or
something. My money was running down so I agreed. And, after
this, he'd have to help me with my problem.

     He told my mother, 'My wife and I wanna take him out to
dinner with the family. It's gonna be in New Jersey so we
couldn't get back here 'til late. He can sleep with us and
I'll take him straight to school Tuesday morning.'

     'How come now you wanna do stuff with Ray? You didn't
do nothing before. How come now?'

     'Hey, I'm trying to be right here.'

     She was very suspicious but allowed it.

     'Don't you do nothing with him you're not supposed to
do like drinking, okay?' she told me as I left for school
carrying a set of my best clothes.

     After school, Cholito and I went to the basement and
beat off. I was starting to worry about whatever we were
going to do that night. If I got caught involved in
thieving, I was going away for sure. A chilling thought
struck me. Was I going to be doing what Kenny did, and got
caught three times doing it, finally being sent to a
reformatory? The possibility turned my dick into mush.

     Cholito noticed. He seemed too to sense my somber
thoughts.

     'You thinking about juvy court?'

     'Nah,' I lied.

     'I know kids that went there and they always came home
same day. They ain't gonna do shit.'

     That may have been so but I was scheduled to go to
court. What would happen if I got caught doing a serious
crime and they found out I was already in trouble?

     I struggled to figure a way out of what I was to do
that very night but came up with nothing viable. Turning
down a chance to work with the Westies just wasn't something
a boy like me could allow himself to do. This might be the
work of my future. I'd certainly considered it often enough.
I couldn't throw away a career opportunity when it might be
the only one available to me. Anyway, I convinced myself, I
was smarter than Kenny and would be careful, watch for
dangers and avoid them.

     I met my biological father at his friend's house on
Forty Sixth where we hung around watching television until
nine. A car picked us up and took us almost an hour away
where a large van like a laundry truck met us. Hoolihan, two
others and I transferred to the truck. We entered a large,
dark industrial area with rows of broad buildings with great
sliding doors and loading docks. Train tracks ran along the
front of the one where we stopped. The car had stayed behind
a couple of blocks away. Ray carried a military walkie-
talkie to stay in touch with it.

     On the way, he had explained that I was to climb a
drainpipe to the roof, break the glass of a window in the
middle and climb inside and across the wood roof support
structure. There were shelves I could drop down on and get
from there to the floor. The rollup door had latches on both
sides at the bottom. Pull them inward and Hoolihan and his
fellow thieves would open the door from the outside. That
was it. My part was over unless I wanted to help load.

     It was just as he had said. I carried a tire iron in my
belt for the window. The drainpipe was dirty cast iron, just
rough enough for me to climb. The roof was well lit by the
moon. I didn't have to break a window because several were
partially opened. Inside was a different matter. It was very
dark. The only light was the moonlight in the middle under
the windows. It took a while to feel my way across the dusty
wooden beams, picking up a splinter in my palm on the way.
At the side wall, my eyes had adapted sufficiently to the
dark that I could see the outline of large shelves under me.
It was an eight-foot drop. I didn't have any choice. I'd
have looked like raw chicken if I hadn't done it. I hung,
then let go barely seeing what I was going to land on,
making a loud metallic thump when I did. The rest was
easier.

     When Ray opened the door he said to his friends, 'Din't
I tell youse what a tough little kid I got here. A chip off
the old block.'

     I felt like Bogart, one of the gang, a Westie. I helped
load. The boxes weren't very heavy. 'Pharmaceuticals',
explained Hoolihan.

     The truck left us shortly after we drove away. I was
taken back to Forty-Sixth Street and told to take a shower.
When I came out wrapped in a towel, my biological father had
left, preventing a discussion of my juvenile court case.

    My clothes were put in a washing machine. I put on the
underwear from the dress up clothing I'd brought along and
went to bed. I arrived at school on time, not quite
strutting but doing the quiet criminal bigwig act. My
smalltime schoolmates didn't know who was in their midst. I
carried the fifty in my pocket and debated whether to let it
accidentally be seen. Common sense got the better of me and
it stayed in my back pocket.

    By early afternoon, I was nodding like a junkie, the
missed sleep catching up. Mr. Martinson commented but I
claimed that noise from the apartment across the hall had
kept me awake, pure bullshit as many a night I'd slept
through loud parties right outside our apartment door..

    The after school session with Mr. Martinson woke me up.
I was catching on to the material and had gotten to a point
that I was explaining things to Cholito. Afterwards, Cholito
and I went to the basement and had a different, far more
enjoyable kind of session.

    Wednesday morning, Cholito gave me some interesting
news.

    `That kid, Oscar Ostra-something, got kicked out of 111
last year. That's why he's in our school.' One eleven was
the public school on 53rd Street, almost directly across the
street from the sixth grader's house.

    `What'd he do?'

    `Nobody knows, just he got kicked out.'

    I had wondered why a kid from way up there was in our
school. Oscar Ostrowski was no angel. Maybe this would help
me in court.

    I tried unsuccessfully to find my biological father
that afternoon and early evening. After Monday night, he had
to help me get out of going to court. I was a Westie, or
almost a Westie.

    By Thursday, my strut was gone and I was again very
concerned about the following week's court hearing though
mildly hopeful that Ostrowski's past problems could prove
that he started the fight, that I was just defending myself.
The greatest problem was explaining why I had chased him all
those blocks to his house. I decided to discuss it with my
teacher whom I had come to consider a friend who could be
counted on for advice. I asked Cholito to wait outside at
the end of our class. I told Mr. Martinson I didn't want to
get put away over a fight especially with a kid that had
been expelled from another school probably for fighting.

    Martinson put his arm around me and held me to him. `In
the first place, they don't lock up boys for first offenses,
especially a school fight.'

    `Yeh, but my mother's gonna tell `em to put me in a
reform school.'

    Martinson frowned. `Do you mind if I come by your house
to see the papers they gave your mother?'

    I agreed without hesitation and told him where I lived
and that my mother was home by eight.

    Mother was not happy when she opened the door and saw
my teacher. `What he do now?' she asked exasperated.

    `Good grief, Mrs. Estrada, he's actually been doing
quite well lately.'

    `So,' she hesitated and invited him in making a series
of excuses why the apartment wasn't as clean and organized
as usual.

    `Mrs. Estrada,' he began, leaving me to speculate if he
realized she wasn't married, `I came here to look into the
juvenile court hearing next Wednesday. I'd like to see the
papers the police gave you.'

    `Sure, Mr., uh.'

    `Martinson.'

    `Yeh, Mr. Martinson.' She got them from off the top of
a clothes cabinet in her bedroom. He read them all
carefully. I awaited good news.

    `Mrs. Estrada, could we talk outside for a few
moments?'

    That was not what I wanted to hear. They went into the
hall and closed the door. All of us including Brenda put our
ears to the door but heard nothing.

    Delia asked, `He gonna help you?'

    `Yeh,' I said confidently.

    They were out long enough for the girls to be back
doing what they had been when he knocked. I sat, hands
clasped in front of me, on a chair near the door.

    `I'm going to write a letter to the court telling them
about your progress in my class and in school. But, Ray, I
don't think you need have any concern about being put away.
No one wants that.' He glanced at my mother, gave me a pat
on the shoulder and was on his way.

    Mother looked uncomfortable. She pushed me gently into
my bedroom and closed the door behind us.

    She was close to crying. She reached out and pulled me
tight too her. It had been a lot of years since she'd done
that.

    `I don't want you to be put away. I just get angry
because of all the things you do sometimes. You are my son
and I love you.'

    Now, I was about to cry. Forget hugs, I didn't remember
my mother ever saying that to me. She'd get close like
`querido', which means dear or beloved, but she never came
out and said she loved me. There were tears in my eyes but I
got rid of them with my sleeve. I was too old for that shit!

    Friday morning, Georgie passed me in the corridor and
stuck an envelope into my hand without stopping. It was from
Bill. He was out of town and couldn't make it that weekend.
I had planned on seeing if he could help with my case too.
He was rich, I thought, and probably had connections. And, I
liked him. He was the only john who really seemed to listen
to what I said, to show me respect. And, I believed he
sincerely liked me. And, maybe he liked Georgie, too. Was
Georgie going with Bill too? Georgie talked about a Saturday
steady for a while then I had met Bill. He had asked me if I
was Georgie's friend. That hadn't seemed strange me because
Georgie, one very pretty boy, had been on the Square for a
long time and most of the Johns knew him. The question was
how did Bill get a letter into Georgie's hands during the
week.

    Sitting in class, watching Mr. Martinson teach, it
occurred to me the Mr. Martinson might be just like Bill,
not just a friend, but a man liked sex with boys. He was
always hugging me, cupping my face in his big hand. I'd
never seen him on the Square but maybe he went someplace
else. There had to be other places, not just the Square.
Like that swimming pool Roy and Adrian talked about in
Queens. Did Mr. Martinson go looking for boys at the Astoria
pool?

    So what was I going to do the last weekend before my
court case? With the fifty from the burglary, I again had
over two hundred dollars in my stashes. That would cover any
emergency in case things went bad the following Wednesday. I
didn't need to hustle.

    Cholito joined me at recess. Instead of getting
involved in tag with his friends, I walked him to the
playground wall.

    `You wanna go on a trip tomorrow?'

    He was enthusiastic. I'd never been on the Staten
Island Ferry but knew the 7th Avenue IRT train went to where
it was.

    We left early, around eight. Cholito held his ears when
the train's wheels squealed loudly making the sharp turn
into the South Ferry station. We both enjoyed the salty cold
wind on the ferry deck and the view of the Statue of
Liberty, boats and barges and distant shorelines. On the
Staten Island side, we ate a `buuergerr', as the foreigner
making them pronounced it. We walked a few blocks up the
hill from the landing, decided there was nothing more to see
and took the next boat back to Manhattan. We rode the train
all the way to Queens, watching the buildings fly by once we
got above ground. Trying to avoid Times Square, I got us
lost and finally ended up back downtown at the Cambers
Street station. The subway map in our car was still a
mystery to me so we got off and asked directions from a man
with a briefcase. He showed me the train to Grand Central.
Cholito and I had pizza there before taking the shuttle back
to Times Square, walking the tunnel to the Port Authority
Bus Terminal and taking a train to Fiftieth Street, just a
couple of blocks from Cholito's apartment.

    I went with Cholito to his block hoping to pick up more
information on the reason my sixth grade nemesis was
expelled from school 111. No one knew a thing.

    I asked Cholito's mother if he could spend the night at
my house but she folded her arms and refused.

    Another search for Ray Hoolihan just cost me sneaker
sole. A couple of times, men in bars said he'd just been
there but I never caught up with him. It was only three more
days to court.

    Sunday morning, Cholito was on my stoop when I came
out. It was almost warm. He had on a sweater with holes in
the sleeves. I really wanted his company. The court case
should have been a matter of no concern at that point with
Mr. Martinson's letter, my mother promising to ask the judge
to let me go home and the fact that my accuser had been
expelled and I hadn't. But after a life of negative contacts
with authority, I was concerned.

    I took Cholito to a spy movie, Our Man Flint, on the
Square. I walked us in fast from Eighth Avenue, checking the
movie posters for something we'd enjoy. We managed to get
inside without being accosted by anyone.

    Before three, we were back in the neighborhood, our
stomachs filled with subs from a Ninth Avenue shop. All day,
I felt an increasing yearning to be close to my friend,
physically close. I suggested the basement. As usual, he
said, `Let's go.'

    Inside, cardboard on the floor, warmed by the boiler
and naked as we were born, I sat along side Cholito. There
was something I had to do before Wednesday, just in case, or
at least, that's what I told myself. In reality, I felt a
growing affinity for my younger friend. Although love wasn't
the word that would have occurred to me, that's what it was.

    `Cholito, I began hesitantly. I wanna show you
something we ain't done before but only friends can do with
each other and you gotta promise never to say nothing to
nobody.'

    He did a cross his heart with his hand and seemed
curious.

    I took his cock in my hand as we'd done before when we
beat each other off. He reached for mine. `No, it ain't
that. What really feels great is when someone puts their
mouth on your dick like this.'

    I lowered my heard and sucked him up and down three
times. He looked confused.

    `But that's what fags do.'

    I reacted instinctively to an attack on my machismo. `I
ain't no fag!' It's just.'

     `No, Gato, I din't say you was no fag..'

     `.what friends sometimes do but it ain't got nothing to
do with being no fag.

    `No, Gato, I din't mean.' The light from the uncovered
rear window caught the glint of tears in the bottom of his
eyes. `I'll do it. You're my best friend.'

    Two shots from opposite ends of the same gun. He'd said
something that hit me in the gut then embraced me with words
I'd never heard from another boy. I sat there mesmerized by
his words. I did like sucking other boys' cocks. I wasn't
interested in girls. What if I was a fag?

    Cholito broke in and pulled my arm. `Let's do it,
Gato.'

    I fell into his lap before he could move and took his
dick into my mouth. He struggled to turn himself around to
where he could lie at my side and take mine in too. I
shuddered. This was the real thing, not Georgie doing it for
money. Cholito did it because he wanted to do it with me,
because I was his best friend. I pushed my arm under him so
I could pull his body tight to mine, could hold him. He
tried to copy on my penis what I was doing to his but
obviously wasn't sure what to do. I took hold of his ass
cheeks. They filled my hands like smooth ripe melons. I
urged him to fuck my mouth and gently fucked his. He caught
on and held his head steady. I came seconds later. When it
started to tickle, I pushed his head down against my crotch
then nudged his ass to keep fucking. He got into it, his top
hand dropping to my middle back for leverage. His ass
muscles tightened with each thrust. I ran my hand between us
over his chest to his pelvis. He pressed his hand harder
into my back. His cock bloated and became stiff as a board.
He seemed to bounce back and forth for a few seconds,
staying bloated and hard but not reaching orgasm. Then it
came, starting from the bottom of his cock and pulsing to
the head. His legs stretched straight, muscles taut ass to
ankles. I had reached a new plateau of happiness, past where
Roy and Adrian had taken me. This time the sex, the
lovemaking, had been with a boy who was my best friend, a
boy I really cared about and who cared equally about me. I
struggled with the next admission, an admission that made me
an entirely different person. I was with a boy I loved!

    After a few minutes, without saying a word, we both
began slowly moving in and out again. It took longer this
time, gentler, more loving. I was a fag, a homosexual. Was
that possible? I didn't walk or talk funny like the gays in
the neighborhood. I wasn't afraid like them. I was tough, a
burglar, a fighter. Kids were afraid of me. I sucked
Cholito's balls in my mouth. He took in mine. I licked
around his perineum and along side his dick. He followed
suit. I sucked his cock and balls together into my mouth. He
tried but couldn't. I hugged his head to indicate he was
doing fine. Fucking each others' mouths, I came again but
not quite as wildly as the first time. Cholito apologized
that he couldn't.

    I pulled him up so he was sitting between my legs and
hugged him. He held my arms. `Cool, huh?' I asked.

    `Yeh.'

    I felt I was ready at that time for anything. But that
homosexual business would require more thought. How was it
possible?

    We left the area arms over each other's shoulders. I
had a true friend.