Date: Fri, 13 Jan 2006 23:33:37 -0500
From: Henry Higgins <escribir12@hotmail.com>
Subject: Nevermore--Chapter 20

Statement of Intent: M/t/t
This story is about sexual love among adult males and
consenting teenage males. If the subject of the story is
offensive or illegal for you to read, then don't. Otherwise,
enjoy! All persons, places, and events in this story are entirely
fictional, the product of the author's imagination. The author does
not condone adults having sexual relations with minor children.

Statement of Ownership and Copyright:
Copyright (c) 2005 by the author known as Henry Higgins reserves
all rights accorded by United States copyright law. This story is for
your enjoyment only. You may not post, sell, or otherwise transfer
this story to anyone else.

Author's note:
   Hello, friends. Life seems to have escalated around the holidays,
with the resultant reduction in time to write. Yet I've tried to
persevere and get at least some writing in each week. Here is the
result.
   I continually thank you, my readers for your inspiration and good
thoughts, especially when you send them to me in email messages.
I always welcome your comments and feedback at
escribir12@hotmail.com.

Warm, bear-hugs to all of you,
Henry


Nevermore!
by Henry Higgins


20--Hatching a Plan for Rusty


I slept wrapped in Roger's warm embrace, cuddled in his hairy
nest. A boy spooned into each of our backsides--Rusty behind
Roger and Kenny behind me. Could it have been any other way?
My sleep was total until sometime around 3:00 a.m. when I heard
Rusty begin to mumble in his sleep. Both Rog and I had been
concerned about his emotional state, so I was alert for any signs of
distress.

"I'm sorry, Daddy. I won't do it again. Please... no... don't, Daddy,
please don't!" Rusty whimpered a little but didn't wake up. Rog
stirred but didn't wake. I, however, was wide-awake and into
Rusty's dream experience. I couldn't see what was happening in the
boy's dream, but I felt his feelings--of guilt, shame, and stain. He
felt responsible for something terribly wrong and now feared
punishment for it.

I reached over Rog to caress Rusty's shoulder and help him ease
back into sleep as I tried to send him comforting thoughts of
compassion and forgiveness. I had no idea what I was doing or
whether I was doing it right. However, it must have worked
because the boy seemed to sink back into deep slumber. I thought
to myself that Rog and I would have to discuss this tomorrow and
make some sort of plan to help Rusty.

Meanwhile, I noticed the window brighten as a full moon came out
from behind the clouds and a nearby owl started hooting. We were
bathed in the silvery light spilling into the room. Kenny snored
lightly as he clung to me and pressed his pelvis into my butt every
now and then. Rog and I rumbled in counterpoint. And once again,
Rusty slept peacefully.

The next morning the sun was full upon us as we awoke to
unaccustomed brightness. Apparently, a front had come through
and we would face a chill, windy day, but with abundant sunshine.
I opened my eyes and focused to see Roger peering intently at me
with so much love I felt naked in his sight. Well, I guess I was! So
was he. He grinned and all I could do was return it in my own
sloppy way.

"I've dreamed about this for so long," I whispered. "I wouldn't have
it any other way."

In answer, he leaned forward to kiss me, deeply, as he had done
two nights before, and I reveled in that warm, whiskery nuzzle.
Not since I had loved David had I felt so completely loved and
accepted for who and what I was. And the miracle was that I didn't
have to feel guilty about damaging his relationship with Peter.
They had already provided for that and made space for me.

We didn't stay that way for long. Soon, two teenage boys with full
bladders were beginning to stir and wake. And suddenly, it was a
race to see who could get into the bathroom first. Giggling, we all
tried to push through the door at once and of course, got stuck.
Rusty got us unstuck as he worked his way free and ran to the front
of the toilet.

"Now, now, guys. There's room for all of us. We just have to adjust
a little," I admonished. So Kenny scooted Rusty around so that the
boys were on one side of the toilet and Rog and I on the other, and
then we let our four streams descend at once into the bowl.

"Ah, now... that's much better," sighed Rog as he finished and
shook. I noticed that two sets of younger eyes were riveted to his
penis, but I felt curiosity more than envy in those stares. I wrapped
my approval around them. I think Roger did, too.

I finished and shook off the last drops, as did Kenny. Only Rusty
didn't shake. Rather, he reached for a piece of toilet paper and
peeled back his foreskin to wipe away the residue of his urination.
Now, three sets of eyes were focused on him.

"What?" he asked. "What'd I do?"

I smiled. "You didn't do a thing, Rusty. I think that all of us
circumcised guys are just curious about how you uncut guys
handle peeing."

"Oh. Well, it's not that big a deal," he said, showing his impish
little grin.

"Not for you, bud; but it is for us, 'cause we don't got any foreskins
left," said his bro'.

"Yeah, foreskins have always fascinated me," said Rog. "You've
got a beaut there, Rusty."

For the first time that day, Rusty beamed in Roger's golden
approval and acceptance. He stepped over to hug Rog and as he
did so, brushed against Roger's penis.

"Keep that up, and we'll have to postpone breakfast," said Rog.

"That wouldn't be so bad, would it?" asked Rusty.

"Well, I don't know about you, bro', but I'm starving," said Kenny.

"I guess that does it, then," said Rog. "We can't have anybody on
the team starving to death!"

"Yeah," said the little redhead, "I think I'm starving, too."

"What about breakfast au naturel?" I suggested.

"Great idea," they all said at once.

So we all padded naked into the kitchen to prepare our breakfast. I
turned up the thermostat a few degrees on the way. Kenny and
Rusty went about setting the table and pouring some juice as Roger
and I set about making coffee and then preparing eggs and bacon.
Kenny put some bagels into the toaster, Rusty got jam from the
refrigerator, and soon we were sitting down to a royal breakfast.

"Betcha never thought you'd be sittin' around all nakey and eating
breakfast with a couple of hot guys, didja, bro'?" said Kenny, as he
nudged his younger companion.

Rusty was strangely subdued. "Naw, I guess not," he answered.

I glanced a Rog and immediately felt a level of concern for Rusty
that had ratcheted up a notch or two from yesterday. And then I
realized... Rog had our "empathic thing," too. About that time I felt
Kenny tune in to us with his own concerns for Rusty.

"Look," Rusty said, "You guys don't have to worry about me like
that. I mean, I'm just not worth all that worry." He looked around
at us and looked like he would burst into tears at any moment.

Kenny reached over to hug the boy, but Rusty shrugged him off.
"Look," he said, "I know I'm just a drag on you guys. I don't really
know why you put up with me. I ruined your day yesterday... made
you spend most of it in the hospital. And then... and then... Oh
Lord Jesus! It was me! I killed that guy. I know he wasn't any good
and he hurt me; but I killed him! Me! I'm a murderer! Why do you
even want me around? I'm just a piece of shit!"

The tears rolled fast as Kenny grabbed Rusty and held him tightly.
Rusty tried to shrug him off again, but Kenny wouldn't let him. I
started to move around to try to add comfort to our little redhead
and support to Kenny, but Rog held me back with a slight wag of
his head. I could feel his restraint and figured out that it would be
better to let Kenny be Rusty's main comfort right now.

Kenny held Rusty tightly against his chest and was cooing to him
the way he had when Rusty had the nightmare the day before. "It's
gonna be all right, bro'; it'll be all right. You're okay. I've gotcha
and I'm not gonna let anything happen to ya. It's all right. Even so,
Rusty's wails only grew louder and longer.

Rog got up and stepped out of the room, returning in a minute with
a packet of powder. He got a glass and filled it with water, then
stirred in the powder before setting it down in front of Kenny.

Kenny nodded in acknowledgement as he continued to comfort
Rusty, who seemed to be crying himself out. He was at the sniffle
and hiccup stage so that when Kenny offered him the water, he
gladly drank it. In a few minutes, the sedative began to take effect.

"I just need some sleep," Rusty said. "I'm so tired!"

"Come on, bro'," said Kenny. "Let's get you back to bed for a
while." Together, the two boys headed back to Kenny's room as I
studied Roger.

"You, my friend, are just unbelievable. You always seem to have
the right answer for things," I said.

"I guess it's just that empathic thing," said Roger. "When I'm alert,
I'm pretty good at sensing people's needs and then confirming it
with them before I act. I'm often right. Of course, I didn't need any
confirmation just now about Rusty. I've been worried about him
since yesterday. I could feel him taking the brunt of the blame for
this whole tragic series of events."

"What can we do?" I asked. "I'm at a loss when he gets so down on
himself."

"He's spent a good part of his life learning to take the blame in his
family," said Roger. "I wouldn't be surprised if he blames himself
for his father's imprisonment. Kids tend to be very self-centered,
especially at the age when his dad raped him. So, all of a sudden,
Daddy leaves home, Mom's unhappy, and he feels he's to blame. I
doubt that his mother has ever been aware of that thought pattern."

"Yeah, but her bitterness at what happened is pretty obvious," I
said.

"Exactly my point," said Roger. "All he has to hear is his mom
being unhappy, and he's right in there blaming himself--even if he's
not totally aware of it."

"How do you know all this psychological stuff--do they teach that
in medical school?" I asked.

"They should, but they don't. Before I decided to go into general
practice, I thought I wanted to specialize in psychiatry. So I got
some basic courses in childhood and adolescent development
under my belt, along with other courses in clinical psychology.
Even though I didn't go the full route into psychiatry, those basic
courses have turned out to be highly useful. Most gay guys I
encounter are dealing with some kind of emotional baggage that
they picked up in childhood or their teens."

"Yeah, I hear that!" I agreed. "So what do you see as our options
right now for Rusty--given what's happening with all of us?"

"I'd like to see him get into some regular counseling," said Rog.
"But I don't think it would work to get him into a 'straight-oriented'
program. He's better off in a gay-oriented program for teens so that
he can discover that some of the shit he's been feeling is also felt
by just about every other gay kid in our culture. Peter was telling
me the other day about a program for teens that the local LGBT
Center sponsors that might be just the ticket for him. I think we'd
have to set up an intake interview, first. And, I'm sure you're aware
that if we do that, we have to involve his mother. She has legal
custody of him."

"You know, somehow I think she'd go for it. I sensed a whole lot
of care and love and concern for him when I met with her the other
day. And like I said, I think she knows something is going on with
him--she's just not sure exactly what," I said.

"I agree," said Rog. "We'll have to work on that. But you know
that means working on Rusty to open up to his mom about what
he's been doing with men."

"That's going to be a tough one," I observed.

"You got that one right, buddy!"

"He's got what right?" asked Kenny as he came back into the
kitchen.

Rog hesitated a moment before answering Kenny. "Jim and I think
that you guys could use some counseling help."

"You think we're sick?" Kenny asked in alarm.

"Not like mentally ill, Squirt. But, many of us get to points in our
lives where somebody else's perspective can fill a big need and
help us to make more sensible decisions in our lives. Right now, I
see Rusty taking way too much responsibility for what's happened
recently. Do you see that?"

"Well, yeah, like that shit he was just talking about killing that
creep who attacked him yesterday."

"Exactly," said Roger. "The way I see it, Rusty may have started
thinking this way back when his dad raped him when he was three.
Kids that age don't have the logical power to separate what
happens outside of them from what happens inside. So, Rusty
could have thought that he was responsible for making his dad go
to prison and his mom so unhappy. That's a big burden to carry
when you're growing up."

"Yeah, I see what you mean," said Kenny. "Do you think I have
the same problem?"

"No, because when your dad raped you, you were older, like
already in your teens. The experience was just as bad, maybe
worse, because you were older and could put more meaning to it.
But, you knew that your dad raped you because he wanted to and
not because of anything that you did."

"You got that right! That scumball bastard took everything he
wanted to from me. The only thing I might have done is be in the
wrong place at the right time and it didn't take me long to learn
how to stay out of his way most of the time."

"You learned how to avoid your father because you were older and
you could separate you and him in your mind. At three years old,
Rusty didn't have that ability. It's like he and his dad were almost
one in his mind. He couldn't separate the two of them. His dad
probably reinforced this without knowing what he was doing," Rog
finished.

Kenny thought for a minute. "Do you think it ever got to where it
felt good to Rusty? With me, it hurt like hell at first, but then after
I'd gotten used to it, it gave me the most delightful feeling. 'Course,
I didn't let on to him that I liked it. I just stayed pretty silent. But
after I started doing things with other men, I found one or two that
made it feel so delightful I had a hard time remembering that it had
ever hurt."

"From what Rusty's mom told me," I said, "It sounded like his dad
split him open the first time he tried it. I imagine that's how she
found out about it -- the boy would have needed medical care.
Moreover, you were lucky to find those guys. So many people
think that anal sex is just gross and painful. But when two people
have the right feeling for one another, it is just the most beautiful
way to be together."

"I think I may have that feeling for Rusty," Kenny said. "But it's
not all the time. Sometimes, it's like he's my little brother and I
love him like a brother and want to care for him. Other times, he
turns me on so bad... It's like I just can't keep my hands off him,
even though I manage to because he can be so jumpy about being
touched."

"That's a very good point, Kenny," Rog said. "I think counseling
could help Rusty learn to recognize good touch from bad. That's a
confusion from his experience with his father that he still carries
with him."

"Well, how do you think counseling could help me?" Kenny asked.

"For one thing," Rog answered, "I think both of you boys could
benefit by rubbing shoulders with other kids who are gay."

"You mean, it wouldn't be just me or Rusty talking to a shrink?"

"No, although you might have some one-on-one sessions with a
counselor. Jim and I have been thinking about getting you guys
hooked up with a teen gay group that meets at the LGBT Center.
Peter knows of a guy who is a counselor there, so that it could be a
little easier than if we just wandered in off the street. And of
course, Jim and I would go with you guys for the first time or two
just to help you get started."

"Cool," smiled Kenny.

"Another way that it may be able to help both of you is to help you
learn the difference between love and sex," said Roger.

"Huh?" said Kenny.

"The short version goes like this: When boys first experience
orgasm, most tend to think that's the same as the love that they
learn about between their parents, or that they see in the movies
and on TV, or what they may hear in sex ed class--if they're lucky.
Only as they grow older do some begin to realize that sex is one
thing, love another, and sex as an expression of love is the most
exquisite thing of all. A lot of people never learn this; or, they
never find that special someone to love. They lead their whole
lives going from one fuck to the next, always wondering what's
missing. Others are fortunate to discover the difference between
sex and love. I think some of the things you've said about how you
love Rusty suggest that you're beginning to master this concept.
But I think this counseling group could also be a big help to both
of you--and especially for Rusty."

"And I could, like, sorta help ease Rusty into this group," Kenny
grinned.

Rog and I glanced at each other. This kid's depth and his need to
nurture Rusty impressed us.

"Yeah," said Rog, "I think you could be a huge help to Rusty, as
well as get some good out of it for yourself."

"I'm in," said Kenny. "I'd do anything I could to help Rusty. That's
how much I love him."

"We see that, Kenny," I said. "I so hope that all of us can nourish
that love."

Kenny looked at me, right through to my core. "But I love you,
too, Jim. You've done so much for me in just the few days that I've
known you. I don't ever want to let you go."

"And I love you as well, Kenny," I said. "I hope there's enough
room in our hearts for both of those loves."

The boy brightened. "Yeah, that's awesome, Jim! Maybe there is--
especially after what happened last night!"

Rog beamed as he surveyed the terrain of my body, a study that
was not lost on Kenny. The boy joined in and both of them feasted
on my nudity as I did on theirs. We all started to grow erect with
the visual stimulation. This was the first good, clear look I'd gotten
at Roger since we had entered the tub last night. I was amazed at
how thick he was, even if his penis didn't look very long; but then I
realized it was coming from a huge, coppery bush of pubic hair.

I had the same slight curve to my erection that I'd had in high
school when Roger and I had played "hide and peek" in the
showers. I wasn't nearly as thick as he was, but mine might have
been a bit longer. Kenny was Mr. Straight Arrow, his penis
sticking straight out from his sparse patch of light brown springy
curls and ending in a most beautiful, conical glans.

"Why don't we move into the living room," I suggested. "It would
be more comfortable."

Both my companions agreed and we moved onto the couch where
we could all be close. I got an afghan to cover us, as we were being
fairly still and might get chilly.

Roger asked, "Kenny, what do you make of what happened in the
hot tub last night?"

The boy thought for a minute and then said, "I think we all have
this ability to sense each other's feelings, just like Rusty and I do. I
think that's why we can tune in to each other so deeply that we
could all come together. I don't know about you guys, but that felt
way more intense to me than when I just jack off by myself."

Roger and I agreed that it had felt similarly intense to us.

Kenny continued. "I've wondered if that's what being in love is
like, where you tune in to your lover so much that you each kind of
magnify what the other one feels."

"That could be, Kenny," said Roger. "But, Peter and I love each
other very much and it feels great when we have sex together. Still,
I don't think I'd say that we magnify each other's feeling the way it
happened to the four of us last night. That seems to be something
special. I wonder if it's a special gift that you and Rusty share."

"That could be," I said. "I didn't start experiencing this closeness
until Rusty came into our little group. Kenny, have you guys
shared this feeling since you met?"

"Um, yeah, I think so," said Kenny. "It's hard for me to tell. I don't
think we had it when we first met, but then when I started noticing
it, it was like it had been there all along."

"Did Rusty know about it? Did you talk about it?" asked Rog.

"I don't remember us talking about it. It was more like an
understanding that grew between us," said Kenny. "When I first
noticed it for sure was when Rusty was getting hassled by a bunch
of dickheads after gym one day. I knew his schedule and where
he'd probably be, so I asked for a restroom pass and then went over
where he was, near the showers. When I showed up, those guys
suddenly lost interest in doing whatever they were going to do to
Rusty. I told 'em to leave him alone or they'd have to deal with me
and my friends. Hah! As if I had any! But they didn't know that.
They've left him alone since then."

"Remarkable," said Rog.

"Yeah," agreed Kenny. "What's more, it seemed like after that,
Rusty and me didn't even hafta talk about it. We were just kinda
automatically tuned into each other."

"Do you know what changed?" asked Roger.

"Um, lemme think... Oh! After that we started telling each other
more secrets and stuff. That was when I told him about what my
dad did to me and he told me what he remembered about what his
dad did to him. I started spending the night over at his house at
times after that."

"So your mutual pain formed the common bond between you," I
observed.

"Yeah," Kenny grinned. "Asshole buddies--that's what we were."
Rog and I chuckled along with him.

"One time when I stayed overnight, he showed me the scar where
his dad tore his hole. It's all ragged and everything. He must have
bled all over," the boy continued.

"Yeah, and I noticed that he's got a couple of well-developed
hemorrhoids from that episode, too," Roger observed. "That's
highly unusual in someone so young."

"Well it's pretty obvious that his dad didn't give a shit about him,"
added Kenny with a scowl. "...any more than my dad cared about
me. Those fuckin scumbags just took whatever they wanted. What
bastards!"

"I don't blame you for being bitter about it," said Roger.

"The word 'bitter' doesn't even start to say how much I hate that
fucker. I will loathe him till the day I die," Kenny cried.

"And, from what I have heard, you have every right to," I said.

A tear began its run down Kenny's cheek. Roger reached over to
wipe it away and the boy went to him and hugged him as the
copper bear pulled him up onto his naked lap under the afghan. I
sat there and just marveled at the raw beauty of my naked friend
and my naked boy communing together so intimately.

"Kenny," said Roger, "I can feel how strong your passion is in your
feelings towards your father. Are you aware of how strongly you
feel right now?"

"Oh yeah!" said Kenny. "It's like I can feel it in every cell of my
body."

"Okay," said Rog, "Imagine with me for a minute that Rusty is
feeling that same strength of passion about the things that
happened to him, only it's himself that he hates because he thought
originally that he was responsible for all of it.

"Oh my god," said Kenny. "Rog, what can we do? I love him too
much to have him feeling that way about himself, especially when
it's not true!"

"That's exactly why we to get you guys into counseling. You need
to be there for him to help him through this," said Rog.

"Well, for sure I can do that," said Kenny. "But what other kinds of
problems do you think I have to deal with?"

"For starters," said Rog, "You have the same issues as every other
gay kid in this fucked-up culture or ours. You must deal with an
immediate sense of being so different that you think everybody
would hate you if they knew you're gay."

Kenny nodded vigorously as he perched naked in Rog's lap.

Rog continued. "Then, I suspect that you may have some conflicts
around your mother dying and your father continuing to live--as in,
why couldn't she have lived and your father died."

Kenny stayed quiet, but I could feel that he was on full "receive"
mode.

"Finally, I think it's important for both you boys to get a sense of
the other boys who share your feelings and orientation. You guys
are all very different individuals, but you have much in common
with each other. You need to get more acquainted with that."

Kenny clung to Rog as he said, "I'll do whatever it takes to help
Rusty."

"And help yourself, too," Rog added.

"Yeah, that too."


To be continued...