Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2013 17:37:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: Kiddo Xavier <discreetlyweird@yahoo.com>
Subject: Remembering It All Too Well Chapter 1: As I expected

The events and people you are about to read are only work of fiction and
just a product of my imagination. Any similar events are extremely
coincidence and not a proof of copying. Be aware of the sexual orientation,
although it is really part of it. But then again why the hell are you here?
O.o *no sex happened on this story though.

Remembering It All Too Well Chapter 1: As I expected

As I expected, Manila never changed.

It's been like yesterday since I left. The tropical feeling that somehow
burns my skin yet soothing at the same time is still there. Every face is
familiar, all are but brown skin, black hair and dark eyes far from where I
used to work where all I could see are face with rosy white cheeks, pale
blonde hairs and light eyes.

"Welcome back to the Philippines, Sir." One of the stewards greeted at
me. I knew she figured already that I'm back at my mother country. My face
and features aren't hard to distinguished: Pale brown skin because of the
unearthly cold weather in Canada, wavy black hair and broad face. I smiled
at her and the stewardess smiled back.

Whew I could already feel the pressure after 12 hours trip back here. The
sun is shining brightly at three o'clock in the afternoon. Thanks with my
sunglasses; I somehow manage to keep my eyes steady from the killing rays
of the sun.

I rush towards the arrival area to get my baggage right after I stepped
down the airplane. I took my black sealed trolley and proceeded at the main
exit. I showed my ticket for the final checking to record my arrival. It
wasn't as hospitable as I expected for the remaining crew outside but
shrugged off the idea of expecting. Besides it didn't did any good at me at
all.

I stepped out at the hallway and started to scan the crowd at the waiting
area. Everyone has the distinct tan faces I used to see back in the days
and yet none was familiar for me. Some has their own cardboards written
with names that they were waiting. Unlucky for me, it seems like my company
hasn't arrived yet.

Crap that hag!

I was about to grab my phone at my back pack when I heard a cheerful scream
calling. "BAKLA!!!"  (Filipino term for faggot.) A cheery high-toned voice
shouted. I looked up and one of my brows instantly rose up as I fought to
break a smile. "Bakla, I'm here!!!" She called once more as if she found
the word mouthful. I looked around in self consciousness. Well yes I am
gay, but I'm not explicitly fond of expressing it that much. I'm proud of
being a homo but let's admit it, there are places that are not pleased to
know you're one.

Her long curly brown hair, full lips, height and body of a real model tells
me that I wasn't staring at the wrong person. I walked at her still holding
back a smile as I took my shades off and hang it at my head.  "Bakla, will
you walk a little faster? My arms are longing to squeeze you for the past
three years!" She called out like there's an amplifier installed at her
throat.

"Jeez, Cha! Will you tone down your voice?" I chuckled as I spread my arms.

She rushed at me ignoring the bar that was separating us together. "Bakla,
I missed you so much!!!!!"  she squirmed as she gave me a huge and hard
embrace. She rocked me back and forth and I chuckled as I returned the hug.
I felt ashamed, though that she have too bent down a little since my 5'7
height wasn't enough to compare at her 6'0 height. We let go to look at
each other and she immediately swift her hand at my head that almost
dropped me down.

"What the fu---!!!" I scoffed as I glared at her. "What was that for?!"

"That's for leaving me alone here for 3 freaking years!" She shouted as she
tossed her bulky hair at her side with arms crossed. Her mood suddenly
changes. "Don't you know how it felt to be alone here without anyone in my
side? No beer buddy or party partner....."

"Oh shut up as if that was even true! Without me here, means you could
screw any guys you want.  And that's a fact." I shot at her with agreement
at my tone.

She glared at me before breaking in a wide smile again. "I really missed
you, bakla! Come here give me a hug again." She teased as she grabbed me
for another hug. "I swear I will make your vacation an extravagant. We'll
screw all the cute guys that our eyes crossed!!!" She cheered as she tossed
her hair again almost hitting my face.

I rolled my eyes chuckling at her comment. "Can you at least let me take
some rest? Major jetlag here." I groaned.

"Nonsense!" She snapped. "First, we have to go to our favorite spot. We
have so much to catch up!"  She let go of me as she rushed towards the main
road. I felt uneasy looking at her walk with those tight jeans and high
heels on her. She tossed her hair once more before waving for a cab.

"Abominable fag hag!" I muttered.

"Old-fashioned faggot." Cha replied before looking back. "Taxi!!!" She
called erotically. I rolled my eyes once more.

This is going to be so unfortunate.

*****

Cha is a shortcut for her name Charity. A short recap about our friendship
is that I was her usual side kick. Or at least that's what she
thought. We've been friends since high school and never did it happen that
we got separated. Of course that is when I decided to try my luck in Canada
and left her alone here. I remember her taunting me with my sexuality when
we first met. She was the first one to figure that I'm gay. Charity said
that I stink the moment she laid her eyes on me and that I may hide under
my closet as much as I wanted but not with her. She said that her Gay-dar's
version was beyond any version of Microsoft Windows or Apple's IOS which I
really don't understand at first. Of course I freaked out at first
especially that I considered myself a homophobe back then. But because of
her intimidating presence and crazy personality, I eventually accept who I
am. She taught me that it wasn't about what others would think but it's how
I would appear in front of myself and if I wanted to be like that
forever. I was scared at the idea but ever since she told me that she'll
help me cope up my distress, I soon warmed up with her. Right then we
became inseparable. Some even thought that we are together which we laughed
stupidly.

*

"One dark mocha blended iced drink with spearmint syrup for the cute stud
sitting in front of me." Cha teased as she handed it to me. She took her
own frap and sat in front. I scanned around and this place seemed to change
a little bit. The old stiff edge room was now a round swirl-roomed
cafe. The chairs and tables were different also. I remember it was pure
wood that gave me a back stiff, now it's foamed and wider. It's much
cozier. And the pure white lights were replaced with sepia bulbs with a
pots of green leaves and shrubs placed at each corners. All in all, it was
pleasing to the eye than before. "Bakla, you have no idea how much I missed
this." She stated as she took a sip.

I looked at her and smiled. "I missed this too. Remember the last time when
we visited here together?  The whole place was stiff and old and....." I
looked at her and she wasn't looking at me. She was looking somewhere. I
looked back. She was staring at the barista right at the counter. And I
took a sigh before looking back at her with one brow raised. Cha was still
staring at him intently as her lips sip at her cup. "CHA!!!" I snapped. She
almost jumped at her seat. And here I was, thinking that she missed us
being together when she actually meant was her boy hunting hobby. "3 years
long-lost friend here, can you at least pretend you are interested to what
I am saying?" I protested.

"Oh shut your virgin ass. I've been burning my eyes for the last 3 years
with nothing since you left. It's never been the same without you. So as a
token of gratitude, let me enjoy this one. And the guy's cute!" She
squirmed still her lips were holding the straw of her cup.

"You're such a perv." I whispered.

She looked at me skeptically. "Bakla, as if you don't see the guy cute."
She stated. "Admit it."

I looked back at the Barista and.... well.... His pale whites skin, spiky
hair and complete jaw line that complements his full pink lips has gotten
my attention, not to mention the bulging biceps across the sleeves of his
fitted black polo shirt. He's hot actually. "Uh huh, now who's drooling
like a bitch?" She sang before I felt my mouth was already open. "Admit it,
Erick. He's burning hot."

"Not my type." I lied as I sip my own cup.

"Oh come on, not your type? Don't make me go Bitch class 101A." She grinned
winking.

I chuckled. "Yup not my type." I nodded.

"Whatever. So share some exciting adventures you did in Toronto." She said
leaning forward.

I thought for a little before answering. "Well, besides the killing
temperature and the anti-sunset view of Canada, everything went pretty
cool. Anyway what else do I need to tell? It's not like we're not Skype-ing
every single moment you spot a cute guy."

She rolled her eyes in annoyance. "I'm not talking about that. I'm talking
about your sex life. Have you been screwing guys there? Or are they the one
screwing you?" She asked with a grin of a devil written at her face.

"Cha?!" I suddenly blurted. I felt uneasy suddenly. I know we've been
friends for ages but whenever she was talking about my sex life, I
immediately felt awkward. "I'm not there to have sex. I'm there to work and
be occupied."

"Occupied for what?" She asked skeptically.

I halted for a moment before our eyes met. I knew she already knew what's
in my head. I broke the stare as I looked away. "Nothing."

She then snorted as she leaned back. "It's been three years now,
Erick. Aren't you listening?" She stated as she pouted her crimson lips at
the speaker behind me.

I suddenly realized what was playing inside the cafe. 'Begin Again' by
Taylor Swift. I took a huge sigh. "I already moved on." I said flat without
looking at her.

"As you wish." She nodded.

My mind debated for seconds before I decided to ask. "How is... he?"

She then made a devilish giggle as if she won in a gamble. "I thought it'll
take days before you ask but here you are, not more than an hour."

I felt a sharp sting rupture through my chest. I forced a smile.

"Well, Its Wednesday today and we're in a cafe. I think it's a nice way to
follow what Swiftie here advised. It's about time to start again. " She
stated.  "Jomar is doing great. I think it's time for you to do the same."

"I am." Then it hurt again.....

Cha shrugged before sipping at her cup again. "Anyway, finish it up. I'll
be the one to drive you tomorrow at Tagaytay, okay?"

I just nodded almost ignoring her as my mind drifted back to the very
person I only loved.






---------------------------------------

-Jomar

It's been 3 years now and still I could feel the wound as fresh as
yesterday.

I hated myself for never moving on.

I am stuck.

It seems like I tried everything to move on. The annoying part is every
time I did, I just find myself drawn to another mistake of remembering
everything. I never asked for this kind of loneliness, all I could remember
is I only asked for me to love and be loved by him.

But he was long gone.

Where could he be right now? What is he doing? Is he okay? Does he even
think of me like I always did?

The fresh wind blew on my curled body on the ground. The view facing Taal
Lake is nothing to compare. It was somehow a good toll that there are
places like this where I could let out some of the heartaches that kept on
growing inside me. I could concentrate and think other things.

But tonight, it is different.

No matter how hard I tried to concentrate and think of other things, my
mind just end up thinking of him. As much as I hated the very person that
causes me this trauma, is just as how much I missed him.  Or even worse, I
badly wanted him back. Something tells me that there's about to happen that
I am not ready to face. I could feel it. I took the round silver ring that
I always had wherever I go. I stare at it for moments with heavy eyes. And
it all starts to come back.

I just wished I am wrong.

---------------------------------------------------


-Erick

I stare at the ceiling for almost an hour now. Good night sleep isn't
visiting me. My agony of pushing myself to go to sleep just worsens as I
heard the machine like snore that came from Cha. I looked at her and felt
sorry to whom she'll ever end up marrying. He'll have to suffer hearing her
sleep like this. I could even see her drool with her mouth wide open.

Something is bothering me, or should I better say that I am bothered
because now I am finally back here.

I closed my eyes hoping that darkness would slowly draw me to sleep. But
then even in the pitch black space, I could simply remember his simple soft
smile.

How did everything ended up like this? If I could have chosen differently,
would I still end up in this bed? Or everything would have changed into
something better? Something where all those guilt and longing are nothing
but a dust in the air?

I could still remember how everything we have simply burned, how I ripped
it all like a sheet of paper.

How easily I gave up everything........



######################### @3 Years Ago.


"Guess what?" I smiled in full delight as I stare his always-bored
eyes. But I have to admit, ever since we became together, his expression
lit up and it keeps on getting better.

He leaned forward almost ignoring the round dining table separating us
together. "What is it?" He asked like a little kid.

Looking at his face is just a plain delight for me. "I'm not going." I
stated trying to hide my smile. His face suddenly changed, like something
hit him. "I'm not going to leave. I'll stay." His reaction was still stoned
like he suddenly shut down. "Hey aren't you going to react there? Just a
single smirk would...."  But before I could let out another word, he
grabbed my face to let my lips touches his. It was soft and sweet but it
took me by surprise.

I held his hands so I could move away from what he just did. "Hey people
can see." I whispered scanning the faces inside the restaurant in self
consciousness. I looked back at him.

"I don't care. You don't know how much you made me so happy today." He said
still astounded. "I won't put your sacrifice to waste. You're finally here
with me for good and I won't spend my time hiding anymore." He stated
happily without any stain of fear. I was taken aback with this which almost
made me imitate his reaction earlier. He smiled again before giving me
another soft tender kiss. This time I responded, not in a sensual way but a
sincere and genuine kiss.  I just wish that I'll be as brave as he is. He
is ready to fully step out of the closet. "Wait a sec... How about your
family in Toronto? What did they say?" He asked breaking the kiss.

"Nah they're already old. I think they could handle it without me there." I
said. "Besides, there are what we so called as Skype. I could chat with
them anytime. And who knows, maybe one time I could introduce you to them."
I said winking. The relationship Jomar and I have is something that we hide
in the world and even our own parents are not aware of it, or at least my
parents only. But sometimes, even if how eager we are to hide everything,
it will suddenly dawns on me on how nice it would be if we can be what we
are without any fears and constraints from them.

He chuckled before returning to his sit. "Well, I'm looking forward to
that. It would be nice to finally tell them about your handsome boyfriend."
He chuckled.

"Handsome? Fabulously gorgeous sounds better." I giggled. He then made that
crook sarcastic smile which I love the most. Well, the truth is I never
like it before, but after her older sister Jana told me that he only saw
that kind of smile whenever I am around, I eventually found it cute and
funny at the same time. "Anyway, in celebrating the permanence of our
boring love story..." I stated chuckling before I took the tickets in my
pocket and raised it in front of him. "I bought two passes for E.K.
tomorrow, are you down?"

He made a face at me. "Only if you won't force me to die riding those
ball-cracking and brain-puking rides, I'm down." He stated with a hint of
fear from his tone which excites me more.

"Don't worry I won't let you die there, I promise." I chuckled. "I'll be
always on your side until you regret that I shouldn't have."

"That'll never happen." He nodded proud before devouring the food in his
plate. "In fact, I think that's the only thing I could handle." He added
making that crook smile again.

I nearly blush at that one before I looked back at my plate. But as soon as
I think of it, is the instant that all those smiles wiped out of my face.

Everything is in place.

**************

"So are you sure we need to ride that?" Jomar asked looking at the
rollercoaster in front of us. The rumbling sounds of metal cracks at the
park as the wind that came from the pressure of the ride blew on us. I saw
Jomar took a deep empty gulp with face full of doubt and
hesitation. "Space-shuttle?  Really? Sounds lame and unsafe... and
dangerous... and death-defying."

He can't fool me, though. He's just plain scared. "Come on you beak-headed,
don't be a pussy!" I taunted chuckling. "It'll be fun." Then another wave
of wind blew on us as another ride passes above.  The screams at the ride
was deafening which excites me more. It was repulsive to the guy beside me,
though.

I saw him took a step back while his face turned pale. He looked cute
though, especially under those red and cream striped sleeveless shirt and
maroon pants. His clear white skin just illuminated him more. I could sense
the tension building up in him. I swiftly pinched his huge nose until he
bent in pain to distract him. "Oowww, you son of a---!!!! What was that
for?" He groaned as he massaged his nose.

"Man up, little girl. My grandmother can ride this thing several times in a
row." I stated. He rolled his eyes in annoyance.

I then grabbed his left hand and interlocked my fingers on it. He caught it
and immediately looked at me. I kissed his hand before pulling him to line
of the entrance lane. "Oh boy." He said defeated as he rolled his eyes.

I am glad that it doesn't take much time and effort in convincing him. This
was easier than I expected.  But I have to admit that half of me didn't
want to try this one. The pathway of the ride was outrageously insane. But
my curiosity ate me first. Besides, as long as I am with Jomar, I know that
everything would be good. He made me brave; he made me want to try things
that I never did before.  Maybe because I knew that no matter what
happened, he would never leave me alone.

I remember when he finally admits that he wanted to spend his whole time
with me. It was that time I am sure that he will never leave me alone. It
sounds crazy especially that I don't hold any proof. But I guess that is
how you set your mind when you love a person. You just rely on how you feel
and have faith and trust on that person.

* "I don't know but this... It's... Erick I want you.. I want to be with
you." He whispered in teary and wary eyes. He held my arms as he closes the
distance between us.

I stare at him dismayed as I felt something inside me was crushed, like
something wanted to break free. But as much as I wanted to admit how I
really feel I still end up being consumed by fear and doubts. I looked away
and hesitated at my spot. I was somehow lost at the moment. "You know,
we're still young. You don't know what you're talking about" I stated as I
took my arms back and took a step back. "We still don't know what we really
want. You're just confused." I added hesitating to where I stood.

"What else can I do? That's how I feel." He suddenly pressed when I
rejected what he just confessed.  "Erick, listen to me." He said grabbing
my arms again inching the distant between us. "This whole me know how much
I wanted to deny and tell that all of this is nothing but a joke. But
there's this stupid part inside my chest that tells me, otherwise."  His
use to be bored eyes is now intense like nothing is holding him back
anymore. "Erick... I like you. No.... I'm freaking falling for you..... I'm
in love with you." He said about to choked because of the tears he was try
to fight back.

"Please tell me you love me too." He pleaded like a child.

I felt a piercing sensation crept in my heart. How long did I want to hear
those words to come out from his lips? Since the first time I saw him, I
know I wanted to be with Jomar. But now that he is in front of me offering
his heart like a price in a lottery, why am I feeling suddenly uncertain
now? Maybe I just realize how grave my wish is. "Do you really know what
you are asking? Look around you, Jomar." I hissed as I took his hands off
my arms. "Let me remind you where we are right now. We're at fire exit
hiding from those wild-eyed homophobic quips because we are scared that
they might hear or witness our homosexual acts. Tell me, do you even have
the guts to tell those things to you own parents?  Because if you ask me, I
don't have the balls to do it!" I scolded almost shouting at him. The
burden of being isolated or being prejudged by other people is nothing new
but it scared me that Jomar may not handle it well. "And don't play dumb to
me because I know you really can't do it!"

My words hit him like a brick that almost pushed him to the edge. "And what
do you want me to do?!"  He spat back. "Hide this feeling that I have like
nothing really happened?! I'm scared too. And I don't know if I can handle
being judge by the world! But I know that what I feel for you is much worse
than thinking all the mocks they could throw at me." He said mad. His eyes
were intense that it almost shut me down. "Erick, whenever I am around you,
I'm not afraid of being who I am, who I really am. I feel secure and at
peace when you're at my side. And it doesn't matter now if I get knocked
down for being a homo. All I know is I need you. And I know you feel the
same way." He added in teary eyes as he held both of my hands.

I looked at his hopeful face and right then, I knew he was right. I never
expected to hear those things from him. Just on that moment, I just wanted
to believe on his words. My whole heart wanted to give the remaining ounce
of trust for him. Slowly I felt my head tilted down and bent towards until
it was exactly lying on his head. I closed my eyes as I repeated everything
that he just said in my head. Why am I so afraid? I remember what Cha
said. 'Bakla, the thing you and that beak-headed freak will never move any
forward unless one of you took an initiative. You'll stay forever stuck on
figuring who's into whom and what's what. So I tell you, either you took
the risk or not both have somewhere to go, but not choosing any will never
get you anywhere.' I opened my eyes only to see that his was patiently
waiting for my gaze. "Jomar, I'm scared." I whispered. "This may end up
badly."

"Everything may end badly unless we let it happen." He said in low tone as
he squeezed my hands.  I kept my eyes on his and I can feel deep in his
soul that he wanted to take the risk of being with me.  And in that moment,
I know that's all that I needed. "I wanted you all along; I'm just scared
to admit it too." I choked almost tearing down. "Jomar, I love you in any
way possible. I love you, I love you, I love...." I started crying as
finally say those words to him.

"Shhh, I know. And I love you, too Erick. You hear me? I love you so much."
He stated as he tried to calm me down. I continued to cry like a kid but
the feeling in my chest was priceless. It was like breathing air for the
very first time or seeing everything bright after a pitch black
dream. "Everything will be okay. I'm with you now." He continued as he
kissed my forehead cradling me like lost kid. He then kissed my nose as I
continued to sob. "Don't be afraid." He whispered. Jomar then finally does
what I missed the first time he stole my heart. He brushed his lips on mine
and I happily accepted it.

This could have been our first kiss. I finally find my other half.  We then
separated as he immediately gave me a whole secure embrace. I wrapped
around my arms to his body as I continued to cry on his shoulder.

I finally took a step forward....

*

The screams of the passenger woke me up from my trance. Well this was
enticing. I looked up and we are already next in the line. The last ride
ended and the faces of the people who just stepped down were outrageously
retarded. Some of them were insanely laughing with their hairs were like
attacked by a tornado while some were stunned and sick like they were about
to throw up. Nonetheless, nothing stopped me from riding this extreme
ride. The operator opened the gate and the people next in line, including
us, walked in. I held Jomar's hand and he hesitated first. I looked at him
and he is pale white. "Come on, we're next." I said like a kid.

He didn't answer. He just remained perfectly still as his eyes were locked
in the ride. I grabbed his face and forced it to look at me. His eyes met
mine and I beamed at him. He shook his head disapprovingly.  "You're gonna
kill me." He finally said.

"Don't worry; I'll be always on your side no matter what. I promise." I
said losing my patience as the other behind started to pass us. Something
to what I had said made Jomar changed. He took a huge sigh before we
entered inside. I leap my way through at the end of the ride and hopped
inside. I sat at the left side and looked back to Jomar whom are still
dubious on why he is here with me. A few more seconds and he finally sat
beside me. His face is still pale though there was something in it,
determination?

The safety clutch started to drop in the front of the passenger pinning us
securely at our seat. Another set of exciting screams broke into the air
which pumps the adrenaline blood in me. I looked at the man beside me and
he went even paler like he was about to faint. I decided that instead of
holding at the safety hand rail, I just simply reached for his hand and
held it tight. He looked at me in hope. I gave him a childish smile and he
smiled back. The whole ride started to move backward in an inclined
position moving upward. Another set of screams broke into the air and I
can't help but to join the crowd.  "WHOOO YEAAAAH!!!! BRING IT BITCHES!!!!"
I screamed my lungs out.

The ride moved slowly backwards as we got higher to the ground. I started
to freak out at the height and view. We were like 10 stories high now. I
looked at the man of my life beside me and I haven't noticed that he was
already shaking. "Hey pussy!" I called. He looked at me in a stunned pale
face.  "Just let it all out!!! Scream whatever is in your head!!! " I
added.

"Like what?!" He managed to scream out.

"Like..." I looked at the ground which was like 20 stories high
now. "... Fuck off all you homophobes!!!"  I screamed with my throat about
to explode. "Or you're a freaking TWAT!!!!!!!!!!!" The upward crawling of
our ride was like taking forever and it just build up the tension in me.

I felt Jomar squeezed my hand harder and I looked back at him. "I LOVE YOU
ERICK DELA CRUZ!!!" He exploded and it felt like all the air came out my
chest as I heard those words came out from him. I wanted to keep looking
his face and remember every inch of it as he shouted those words but right
at that moment the ride was released and we dropped at the highest peak
like all the weight was on us.  Everything went blur as the wind slapped my
face. All I know at that moment is we were rolling and spinning with
outrageous screams coming from our lungs while my hand kept a tight grip to
the man I loved beside me.

The nice thing is he didn't let go of me.....

------------


That's it for chapter 1. How was it? Let me know what you think about it
and how you feel. Just email me here at >>>> discreetlyweird@yahoo.com Bad
comments are also welcome.

If you want more of my works kindly check out: Out of the rhythm Chapters
1-15, It's my first work so kindly be considerate on the errors
hahahaha. Love you all. XOXO


(Inspired by Taylor Swift's All Too Well. And someone that almost breaks my
heart)