Date: Sun, 10 Jun 2001 07:45:58 -0700 (PDT)
From: Ryan Scott <ryanscott@mail.com>
Subject: Sammy's Journal (part 1)

There are graphic scenes between boys and men, if you are not old enough,
or are offended by such things then do not read any further.


Sammy's Journal (part 1) 1 of 3
By Ryan Scott
(b/b b/m)


				Author's Note

I met Sam over the Computer and he was in serious need of help when I
started talking to him. He had been involved in gay porno since he was
around 11. He had finely gotten out of it when he was 13. About Six months
later one of the guys that had been filming him started calling and
threatening him if he didn't come back. After I talked to him a few weeks.
I convinced him to tell someone about it. This is were the story starts. I
talk to Sam for about a year and almost every day. This journal is about
Sam's experiences growing up gay I wrote it from his viewpoint, and much of
it is in its original form that he wrote to me. As you will see, this kid
is unbelievable. Sam is a very good-hearted person, but he has gone though
just about every trial of growing up gay. I think Journal really captures
the heart of a young boy, So I tried to leave in as much detail as I
could. Sammy is a talented writer and wrote to me from his heart. It is
something rare to see and I wanted to share it. All of the names mentioned
have been changed including Sammy's, but that is all that has been changed.
I have wanted to share this story for a long time, but I didn't want to
hurt Sam. He is grown up now and I think that even he would enjoy seeing
the heart of a boy as only it can be seen by a boy.



Date: 11/24 08:56 AM

I got home late last night.  My grandma is better but still in hospital. We
go there for Thanksgiving so now we will just stay home. You know, it is
over 8 hours to her house. Even though I am only 14, my dad lets me drive
when we go to grandmas. My dad slept most of the way but when he woke up it
was like he was watching me. Finally he said did I need to talk anything
over with him. He said that he was sorry that he had been so busy and had
not made time for me. I acted like a big baby. I started to cry. I had been
keeping a big secret for a long time, and now my secret had caught up to
me. As he was sleeping next to me, my mind was flying with a new problem. I
didn't take notice that he had woken up.

About 2 years ago, I had managed to get my self into a child porno ring. I
was one of the stars. I got paid well, and I also enjoyed it very much. The
one thing I regret is getting my friends into it. I had gotten my best
friend Ricky and his little brother Billy, and also some of Billy's friends
into it. I decided about six months ago that I had enough of it and I
stopped going. The man who ran it got very angry with me and was calling my
house and threatening to put pictures of me where all my schoolmates would
see them if I didn't come back. I didn't know what to do. This is when I
met Ryan over the Internet. I saw a post he had made on a bulletin board
and he looked like someone I could trust. He convinced me that the man
would never post my picture anywhere, but he also told me I should talk to
an adult that I could trust. The first and only person I could tell would
be my dad. I wanted to tell him, but I was so scared. When my dad asked me
if I needed to talk to him on our trip to grandmas, I just exploded with
emotion.  I had to pull over on the interstate so he could drive. It must
have looked dorky to the cars going by. He gave me a big hug right there on
the interstate. When we got going again I told him about some of the
stuff. He got mad as hell.

Not at me so much but just that it happened. He said that when we got home
again he would get me anything I needed. Like somebody to talk to or
something. He has a friend on the police and he said did I want to talk to
him. What happened next really scared me; I told him I thought I was
gay. He had to pull over in a rest area. He did not say anything but just
got out of the car and walked around. I think I hurt him bad. He was pretty
quiet the rest of the way. Coming home we talked some more. He said he
could not understand how I felt but that he would try to. I did not know
what to say then. I had thought he would be really pissed cause I know he
doesn't like gays. He wants me to get checked for AIDS. I a clinic where I
can go. They do not tell any body about the test. I'm scared but it is
probably good idea. Most of my stuff has been with kids so I do not think
about AIDS. But there was some with older guys. There must be something
wrong me. I do not feel mad at anybody. I am sorry that the little guys got
hurt a little but as far as me I told you I liked it and that is maybe why
I have something wrong. How can I feel this way?

I have to get ready and go to work today. We are out of school until
Monday. Usually I would be real happy but with all that has happened I kind
of like going to school cause it is easy to forget for a while.


Date: 11/24 10:27 PM

I don't really know if I feel better or not. I think it was really hard to
tell dad. I DID NOT tell him all of it. I feel kind of lousy about that but
I just could not do it. Not all at once anyway. Maybe later I can tell him
more. Why is it so hard to tell somebody face to face? I did not have a lot
of trouble telling Ryan. I had a bitch of a time telling him. You know-I
felt like I was letting him down somehow. I don't know. It is a lot
different. Ryan has really helped me a lot, and I trust him. I am kind of
feeling better but I do not know how to feel about all that happened.

Like I said this morning I do not hate any body and since I liked doing
it. It is a problem for me to know how to feel about all of it. It is clear
that he could not show any videos or pictures without getting into lots of
trouble himself. Ryan was 100% right about that. I called Ryan on the
phone, and we talked for about an hour. He is a really cool guy He told me
what it was like for him growing up gay and he made me feel really
comfortable talking about some of the things I have gone though.


Date: 11/26 11:21 AM

Well, I have sort of introduced my self to you with the things that are
going on in my life right now, but maybe you are wondering how a kid can
get into porno when he is only 11. That was not the beginning of my gay
experiences. I was 9 years old when I had my first experience. This is how
it happened; I do not remember how I knew the guy. He was maybe a friend of
my dads from work. He and his family came to picnics and stuff like that so
our families knew each other. At one of those picnics he asked if I wanted
to make some money helping him clean out his garage.

He said he would pay me $2.00 an hour and at 9 that was a lot of money. He
lived about two blocks away so on a Saturday morning I went over to his
house. I had on a T-shirt and shorts.

We cleaned out his garage which took about an hour and I got real hot and
sweaty so I had took off my T-shirt. He had on the same and had off his
shirt. He was all hairy and I thought he looked like a bear. I asked him
were the bathroom was because I had to pee. He said he did to but his wife
had just cleaned the bathroom and we were all dirty so we went behind the
garage to pee. He pulled down the front of his shorts and I saw his big
dick hanging there. I really had to go so I pulled my shorts down and
started to pee. I saw out of the corner of my eye that he was not peeing
but was rubbing it. It was getting hard! I forgot all about peeing and
watched him. It was the biggest one I had ever saw.

Then mine was getting hard to. He was watching me and so I started to rub
mine like he was. It made me feel funny to have him see me about naked and
to see my hard dick but somehow I liked it to. My stomach and balls felt a
squirmy feeling. He asked me if I wanted to touch his. I KNEW I should not
but I wanted to. I was SO curious. I reached out and touched his. He made a
sound and I thought I hurt him but he said it was OK. It was just that it
felt good. He said did anybody ever touched me?

I said no and he said it was a great feeling and did I want to try it. I
said OK. We went into the house in the living room. He had me stand in
front of him and he started to rub his hands all over me. It felt good when
he rubbed my back and stomach and chest. He rubbed my butt and between my
legs with my shorts on and then pulled them down. I had on underpants and
he ran his hands all over the outside of them and then put his hands down
the top of the elastic and rubbed me. I was hard as a rock and when he
finally touched my little 3 inch dick he took it between his fingers and
made the skin slide up and down. It felt GOOD. It was so cool to have him
rub it. When I was naked, we went into his bedroom and got on the bed. He
got naked and his big dick stuck straight out. He laid down and had me lay
on top of him.

Our chests were together and I could feel his scratchy hair against my
chest and my hard little dick was pressing on his hairy stomach. I told him
it felt tickly and he helped me slide around on top of him. As I was moving
around he moved me down and pretty soon I felt his boner between my legs
rubbing and touching my balls. I was real squirmy inside now and liked the
feeling. He asked me if I wanted to try something else that felt real
good. I said OK and he put me on the side of the bed with my legs hanging
over and got down on his knees. He put my legs on his shoulders and leaned
forward so my legs spread wide open. I felt good but then he stuck out his
tongue and put it on my dick head. I about jumped out of my skin! His warm
tongue moved up and down my little dink and it made me get goose bumps. I
thought it was the best feeling I could ever have but then he took my whole
boner in his mouth and held my dick skin with his lips and moved his head
up and down it was even better! I felt him lick my ball sack and take it in
his mouth and felt his tongue roll my balls around. Then he licked between
my legs and his tongue almost went inside my hole. He had me turn sideways
so I was lying full length on the bed right at the edge. He spread my legs
and I felt his finger in my butt cheeks and then felt it try to go inside
me. It was dry so it hurt and he pulled it out and sucked it and then put
it back in. It went in easy and he slid it in and out a few times. Then he
told me to raise my hips up and down while he sucked. I did and my dick
slid in and out of his mouth and he made his finger match the in and out
motion. He did it 5-6 minutes and then I thought I was going to pee! I told
him and he said it was OK and to keep moving up and down. I felt my body
get stiff and then I could not hold the pee feeling and my dick started to
jerk and jump and the greatest feeling started. IT WAS AWESOME! I had my
first cum feel. When I started to jerk he made a big noise in his throat
and started breathing fast and when I got up off the bed there was his cum
all over the bedspread. He had done it without even touching himself. After
we got done he said he was sorry. I said what for. He said that he should
not do that stuff with me. I said it was neat and that if he wanted to do
it more I would. We did. About 4-5 times. He showed me how to suck him and
I even swallowed his cum. He had me put my dick in him but he never did it
to me. He liked to put his finger into me and slide it in and out fast.
Well, that was my first time. Hope you aren't disappointed.


Date: 12/01 08:50 PM

Have you seen Free Willy? Man-what a cool movie! The story is good and the
whale pictures are GREAT! I always like whales. I have a CD of whale
"songs".  It is just their calls or whatever but it almost sound like
singing. It is a real amazing thing how they are so graseful in the water
isn't it? It is like they move effortlessly.

Call me a whale nut! If you have seen it, what did you think of Jessie? God
wasn't he the cutest?!?! His real name is Jason-James something. I kidded
my buddy Ricky that he was not near as cute as JJ. Geez, my dick was hard
most of the way through the movie. I did not see it in the theatre. I was
over at Ricky's last night and we watched it. And while we are talking
about my hard dick <G>, did you see the Circus of the Stars on TV? There
was a guy, Will Estes that did stuff on a trapease (sp?). He is on some TV
show I never saw. Anyway he is outrageous cute! He isn't to old because he
did not have any hair under his arms and you should have seen his bulge!
(maybe 13-14?  I do not have any yet so it is close) He had on REAL tight
pants and you could see his bulge every time the camera got on him.
God--that was hard on my heart <G> not to mention other parts of me! Ummm
good stuff!  I think it is time to jerk off.

Do you remember when you got your first cum? (juice not feel) I was almost
13! My friend Ricky got his lots sooner. His brother is just 12 now and he
can already get pre-cum. I got it for about 3-4 weeks before it turned
white. They don't get as much as me.

I get maybe a tablespoon or so and the first time each day I shot on my
belly but after than it runs down my hand. Maybe I can't get more because I
do it so much ever day! Usually 3-4 times! <G> I guess everyone likes
different things. My favorite thing to be done to me is to be on my knees
over a guy and have him lick me between my legs that little cord like thing
that runs from your hole to the bottom of your ball sack. That REALLY gets
me going!!! I love to suck dick to. I do not know why exactly but the feel
of a hard dick in my mouth is radical! I am cut. I did it with a guy once
who wasn't. Now THAT is different! SUPER COOL! I liked to get him when he
was soft and lick up into his skin. He did not stay soft long but putting
my tongue into his foreskin was great. I wish sometimes that I were not
cut. His dick was so sensitive you would not believe it! I could put my
tongue on his dick head and lick just a little and he would almost
scream. After he would cum he could not stand to even touch it for a little
while. It must be neat. Well that is just about it for now. I have some
homework to do and then I am going to hit the feathers. I have a cold or
something and my head is all full so it makes it hard to breathe. I don't
get many colds but when I do it is a good one.


Date: 12/02 09:26 PM

I know I have mentioned Ricky and Billy a couple times, so let me tell you
about them. Ricky is my friend for a real long time. They live down the
street and I go there a lot. I eat with them and his mom even does some of
my washing and stuff. I have spend a lot of time there since my mom left
and dad is not home so much. I don't like to be home alone. When it is for
a long time it gets real lone some. I don't mind being along for a while
but it is a real pain if it is a lot. Ryan told me he could cum at the age
of 10. Gees! That is young, Most guys I know about never did until maybe
late 11 or 12. I myself did not until almost 13! Geez I must be a slow
developer. Ricky was later than me even. We jacked each other lots to try
and get it but didn't for a long time. But then we did and it has been
super cool since. About how Billy got involved with us. Well Ricky and me
did things for a long time. When we were little we would go in some bushes
and pull our pants down and look and rub on each other. We didn't have much
idea of what to do but it felt good and so we did it. Well one night when I
was maybe 10 I slept over. Ricky and me were awake and we thought Billy was
asleep. We got naked and I got into his bed and we were rubbing around. It
was summer and we were not covered up. I remember that Ricky was lying on
top of me and we were rubbing our dicks together. (Did you ever do that
with a guy?  That is the coolest!) Anyway we must have made to much noise
because all of a sudden Billy was standing there beside the bed watching.
We were kind of scared that he might tell but he only asked what we were
doing and if he could do it with us. His dick was hard so he must have been
watching us for a while. We told him to jump in so he pulled his underpants
off and got in with us. It was neat. He has a hard little dick and liked
doing stuff. Ricky and him don't do to much together. Ricky said he doesn't
like to do it with his brother. I guess I can see why. I mean they did in
the videos and stuff but that is about all. So Billy and me do stuff once
in a while. He is a cool little dude for a younger kid. He REALLY likes
doing stuff so I do not feel bad about doing it with him when he wants
to. Last summer he sat for some twins. That was RAD! He wanted to do stuff
with them. I will tell you about it cause it was a good deal for me to.

Oh about me. I am 5'4" and about 112 lbs. I have brown hair and eyes. I
will tell you about the rest of me. My dick is not real big. I am only
about 4.75 hard and about 3.5 soft. I have got pubic hair but it is not
real thick yet. I don't have any hair under my arms yet or anyplace else. I
told you I was cut and my balls are about like big marbles. Ricky and Billy
have black hair and cool green eyes. Ricky's dick is just about 5" long and
Billy's is about 4". Ricky has hair and Billy does not. I think they are
cute. They are both cut to. When you do stuff, you know how you get a kind
of funny feel in your stomach and balls? I do not know how to explain it. I
call it my squirmy feel. I get it when I think or do sex stuff. Its cool
and I like it.

Anyway I had a real cool time with Billy last summer.  He was sitting for
some 9 year old twins two or three times a week while their mom was
working. He took them swimming and had seen them naked and wanted to get
something started with them.

He asked if I wanted to help him. The big problem we had was how to get it
started. So he finally said he had an idea and to just play along with him
when he started it. Do you know that we both got boners while we were
talking? I told you about a feel I get in my belly and dick when I think
about doing stuff. I had that feel as we were talking. I was thinking about
them and what we would do. My dick got hard and seemed to stay hard and
when Billy and I were walking to their house it was super hard. Billys was
that way to.

When we got to their house and their mom had left, we told them we would
take them swimming and Billy said for them to change their cloths. We went
into their room with them and they started changing. Their names are
Brandon and Brian. Brandon is the oldest. He came out 3 min before his
brother. They have red hair and green eyes. They have some freckles on
their faces by their nose. They are REAL cute and are hard to tell
apart. Brandon has bigger ears than Brian and I can tell them that way. He
has a brown spot on his butt cheek to but nobody would know that unless
they were naked. Just when they got down to their underpants, Billy said
did they ever play doctor? It was SO cool! It surprised them and they
looked at each other and you could see that they did.

They were shy and then he said that he and me did it when we felt like it
so they did not have to be scared to say if they did. He said to me if I
felt like doing it. I said I did. He asked them again and they said that
they did once or twice. Did they want to do it now? They said what did they
have to do and we told them that we would all get naked and touch each
other and it would feel good. I said that I bet they were to little and
would be scared to get to get naked. They said no that they would if we
would. Billy and I took our clothes off down to our underpants and we each
took one. I got Brian. I rubbed my hands over his front and back and then
down over his butt and down his legs.

Billy was watching me and doing the same thing to Brandon. After we did
that I had him do it to me. Then we all rubbed all over each others bare
chests and stomachs. I put my hands down the back of Brian's underpants and
rubbed his butt and then had him do it to me. After he rubbed my butt I put
my hands back inside his underpants and rubbed over his dick. His dick was
hard when I first touched it. Billy was doing the same with Brandon.

Their hard dinks were pushing out the front of their underpants like little
poles! It was SO cool when they rubbed our dicks the first time! We still
had our underpants on and the front of Billy and mine were all pushed out
to. Then it came time I was waiting for. I pulled Brian's underpants down
and saw his dick sticking out. It was so cute!!! They are not very long
about 2.5-3" maybe and not to big around but they are only 9 so that is
why. Billy and I stood up and had them pull our underpants down.

You should have seen their eyes when they saw our boners.  It was RAD!!
They were the biggest they ever saw. I said did they want to play with them
and they said yes and did. It was tickley cause they were touching my dick
so soft at first. We asked them if they ever jacked off. They did not even
know what that was. We told them and then we had them rub us. We rubbed
them to and felt their balls. Know what? Brian only has one ball!! His
other one is still up in side him. He said both of them were up there but
one of them finally came down and the doctor said the other one would to
but if it did not he would have to have an operation.

Did you know that about balls? That they are up inside boys before they are
born? I didn't and it's interesting.

Anyway we had them jerk us and we rubbed them and tried to get them to cum.
We tried for a long time but could not get them to get any feeling. They
jerked us until we came and THAT was a big surprise to them when they felt
our dicks jump and move and cum shot out. It was super cool and I kept
asking them if they was having fun and liked it and they said yes. We
rubbed around on each other and had them show us what they do when they are
alone.

They just mostly rubbed each others dick a little and their balls. It was
cool watching them doing it to each other.  It made my squirmy feeling real
strong and my dick got extra hard. We had them rub their dick heads
together. God that was cool to see. They said Billy and me should do it to
so we did and then we did it with them. I was sitting on their bed and
Brian was between my legs. He had my dick in one hand and his in his other
hand and rubbed our two hard dick heads together.

Then I did it with Brandon the same way. It made me cum AGAIN!! It was
AWESOME!! After about 1/2 hour Billy said did they ever take a shower with
each other. They never did but used to take a bath when they were
little. We said it was fun so we all got in their shower. God it was so
cool! We got each other all soapy and slippery and rubbed all over. I got
right behind Brandon and pushed my dick into his butt crack. Not in his
hole but just in his cheeks. I wanted him to bend over so I could push my
dick up his butt but I did not say so. We had them hug each other and rub
their dicks together and we did it with them to. Then Billy said did they
ever suck each others dicks. They never thought to do that. He said it was
cool and to watch and he got on his knees and sucked mine. When he got done
I did his. We said did they want to try it and they could not decide. I
said it was fun and did they want us to suck them and they said YES! Their
dicks were so hard! We sucked them both and then told them to suck each
other so they could try it. They did! That made my squirmy feeling really
jump! Then we said to suck us and they did it! It was so cool! After that
we got dressed and we told them that the stuff they had learned was just
about us guys and not for any body else to know. They said they would not
tell and that it was fun to do that stuff. I think they had a good time. I
did and Billy to. When their mom got home we left. We never did go swimming
that day. Geez it was such a cool time. I felt so good and my stomach and
dick had that squirmy feeling. I have it now when I am telling you what
happened. My dick is hard as a rock to. I think it's about time to stop and
jerk off.

Well I hope you liked my experience. I didn't bore you did I?  <grin>.  I
have GOT to go and do homework! I really got long winded tonight.


To be continued in part 2

If you have any comments, feel free to E-mail me at ryanscott@mail.com