Date: Sun, 25 Jun 2000 03:37:05 -0700 (PDT)
From: bardiel13@yahoo.com
Subject: steven and the turners 21

This story contains descriptions of sexual acts between young men.
Although the characters are young teenagers, It doesn't mean the author
endorses or approves sexual liaisons between underage teens or young
men. The following story is just a fantasy. None of this stories are
based on any fact known to the author. If you are not of legal age to
read this, you should leave now. If you do not like stories about
homosexual sex and relationships, you should leave now. If you are of
legal age and like this kind of stories, then keep reading and feel free
to send feedback. bardiel13@yahoo.com.

Important: The story doesn't take place in the US, so don't be surprised
by different seasons and such. The story is copyright 2000 by "Bardiel".
If you copy the story, please leave the credits, and the email address:
bardiel13@yahoo.com. Keep in mind this is my first attempt.

Foreword: This is by far the most difficult and draining chapter I've
written so far. It is somewhat autobiographical and it has taken a huge
toll on me. I really need to hear from you guys. Let me know what you
think. I'm sure most people will hate me after this chapter, but bare
with me. There are still a lot of things on the way and I might have a
surprise ready when I post the next chapter. Tray: I hope you enjoy it.

Chapter 21: The Dark Side of Me

Well, it was finally March 11th. My birthday. Not the happiest one I can
remember, quite the opposite I might add. My family had been planning to
take me out for dinner like every year. When they asked me to choose a
restaurant, I tried my best not to sound too harsh when I told them that
I wasn't in the mood for celebrating. Of course, they didn't pay any
attention to what I was saying. again, when they asked me what I would
like for a present, I told them that all I wanted was to be left alone
and not to make a big deal out of it. I was certainly not in the mood for
any kind of celebration. In the end, I agreed to go out for lunch,
knowing that it would be over much quicker since my mom would have to go
back to work and my sister and brother would have to go back to school.
It's funny how your parents always think they know what you would like
best. Believe me, my family was just not paying attention to me and
that's what made things even worse.

Not only did I end up celebrating something I only wanted to forget, but
I also ended up having lunch with my uncles and cousins. That could be
fun, most people would say. Wrong. My uncles are much older than my
mother and that makes my cousins much older than me. Over twenty years
older. So, you can imagine what it was like to have lunch with all these
people that couldn't care less about the twenty year old and a twenty
year old who couldn't care less about anything they had to say. It became
more and more excruciating as they started talking about my work and the
same old question: when are you starting college? It was driving me
crazy. I was feeling so angry I just got up, excused my self and left
before we had finished eating.

This was by far one of the worst days since I left the Turner's house.
And believe me, most of them weren't that much fun either. I started
working soon after that, helping other kids to get ready for the
examinations in March. It was taking a lot of my time and I wasn't
getting much sleep either. But my lack of sleep was caused by another
thing. Something I hadn't felt in a long time.

As I made my way home, I couldn't stop thinking about all the things that
were going through my mind. Turning twenty was probably one of my biggest
problems. Maybe it was not just that, but it stood for a lot of things
that were quickly coming together, making me feel very uneasy and
restless. The last time I had felt like that, it cost me everything I
had. My friends, my happiness, my sleep and more tears than I can
remember. And I don't want to remember, because it makes that thing in my
chest even bigger.

I just wanted to be left alone for my birthday. I really didn't want to
be reminded that I was turning twenty. As soon as I got home, I sat on
the couch, turned on the stereo and set the volume high enough so my
family would know that I didn't want to talk to them. By now, they knew
that when the music is loud enough for them to have to shout, it means
that they will only get a louder and angrier shout back. Why was this
happening to me? Why was I feeling that way all over again? Things were
completely different, but somehow it only made me feel worse. I tried to
gather my thoughts, trying to understand what was going on, but I always
came up with nothing. Although that's not true. I knew. I knew exactly
what it was, but every fiber of my self told me to push it back, to
forget about it. It was all my fault.

Of course, I wasn't the only one suffering my insanity. Sean just
couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, but he could tell that
something was not right. I avoided him as much as I could, only agreeing
to get together on the weekends. I told him that I was just too tired,
that I needed to rest, but he knew better. At the same time, I tried not
to be left alone with him unless it couldn't be helped. That meant that
Jay and Mike were always around. That helped a bit, and I got distracted
every time, but when they left, I felt even worse. I wanted to tell him
something, but I didn't know what. Or maybe I did, but couldn't do it.

I must have fallen asleep even with the music as loud as it was. I woke
up around six and decided to take a shower, but it didn't help as much as
it used to. I had so many things in my mind, and I couldn't even separate
one from the other. My mind was a complete mess. I waned so much to be
able to pt this behind me, but I failed to realize how or where to start.
It was then that I wished that Sean was there holding me, but that only
made me feel sicker. I just couldn't even think about being with him
without feeling bad about myself. It all started as a painful separation
when I had to come back home, but it grew bigger and bigger with every
passing thing. Things were pilling up and now the ball of fear and pain
was too big to be stopped. I just stayed on the couch, with my eyes
closed in the darkness. I only wanted to be able to forget.

"Are you sure about this?" asked Mike as they walked from the bus stop to
Steven's house.

"What do you mean?" Sean asked.

"Well, he's been acting pretty weird lately, maybe we should have asked
him first" Mike replied.

"You don't ask someone if it's ok to surprise them!" Jay told his
boyfriend mockingly.

"Well, yes, but I'm not sure this is such a good idea"

"If we had asked him, then it wouldn't have been a surprise. I'm sure
he'll be glad to see us." Sean told his brother with confidence. "And
besides, I think this is just what he needs. He's been a little stressed
lately. I think a little fun is just what he needs"

"If you think so..." Mike trailed off.

They were standing just outside his house and they moved to the door that
opened into the hallway that led to Steven's "loft" as he called it. Sean
rang the bell and waited, but no one came down. He thought that hi
boyfriend must have fallen asleep and rang again.

"Maybe he's not at home" Jay offered.

"No, he said he wasn't doing anything. He told me he was going to stay
home" he told his friend as he rang the bell for the third time.

I was wishing that I could just fall asleep again when I heard the bell
ring. I ignored it, but soon it rang again. I got up from the couch and
started putting on my pants when the bell rang for a third time. I made
my way to the door and I could hear Sean's voice from the other side. For
a second, I thought about going back and pretending I was not home.
Somehow, I opened the door and was greeted by the three of them.

"Happy birthday!" They said at the same time, big smiles and laughter in
their faces. Not in mine.

"Come in" I said without a trace of emotion in my voice. I saw the way
Mike looked at Jay.

We al got inside and I sat again on the couch. Mike and jay took a chair
each and Sean came and sat right next to me.

"Happy birthday, babe!" he said as he gave me a quick kiss. I wanted that
kiss so much, wanted to return it, but at the same time I felt guilty.
And it was about to get worse.

I could hear a voice in my head telling me to relax, telling me I would
make it through. But to what? How was one more night going to make any
difference? The boys started talking about school, and the teachers. Mike
was very excited since that was his last year. As I listened to them
talking about school and their teachers and how lousy they were, I
couldn't help but feel bad. How long had it been? Two years? To years
since I finished high school? God, why was I thinking like that?

"Hey, what up with you?" Jay asked me being his usual happy self.

"Not much. Nothing new" I answered again without a hint of interest in
what was going on.

"Why don't we call for pizza? My treat!" Mike tried to lighten up the
mood.

"I'm in! If my brother is actually offering to spend some money, I'm most
definitely in!"

"Yeah, he is kinda cheap, right?" Jay asked Sean.

"Kinda? He is the cheapest guy there is!" Sean and Jay were laughing at
that, and as much as I wanted to join them, I just didn't feel like it.

Mike headed for the kitchen and opened one of the cans of coke they had
brought with them. He knew he wasn't cheap and he was getting used to
being teased like that by Jay, specially around Sean. But it wasn't a bad
thing, he enjoyed it, because this time he could join them in their
jokes, no like before. He went back to the couch were Steven was and sat
down next to him.

"So... What's up?"

"What?" I asked him.

"I mean, what's wrong? Are you ok?"

"I don't wanna talk about it"

"Come on, I thought we were friends?" he probed.

"That has nothing to do with it, so leave it at that"

"Ok, but if you need to talk to someone, I'm here for you"

"Ok" I told him just to make him shut up, and thank God he did, because I
knew I was close to do something I didn't really want to do.

Sean and Jay turned on my Paystation and were having fun on their own so
I decided to go to the kitchen and lay the table. As I was getting the
glasses from the cupboard I felt his arms around me. It was so painful. I
needed to tell him to get out, to leave me alone. To tell him that I
needed to be alone for a while but I couldn't tell him why. I had no real
reason. At least not one I could explain to him.

"What's wrong? Why are you acting so cold? Is there something I can do?"
he told me as he hugged me harder and pressed his head against my back,
feeling my heartbeat. "I want to help you"

"..." I wanted to say something, but the words that came to my mind were
full of anger and fear. I didn't know what to do.

The bell rang once again. It was the pizza delivery guy.

"I'll get it" I told Sean as he let me go.

"No, I'll get it. You stay here" and the moment I looked into his eyes, I
felt like dying. I had to get those eyes out of my mind or I was going to
have a break down in the spot. In the end, it didn't take long for what I
feared the most to happen.

Sean brought the pizzas to the table and the other guys got closer. As
they opened the first box, Jay brought a little birthday candle and
placed it in the middle. I looked at it and knew what was happening and I
was trying really hard to hold back. Wishing I would pass out or be
turned to stone. But it had to happen, I know that now.

"Well, since neither of us knows how to bake a cake, or at least one that
would look like a cake, we will be having a birthday pizza" Jay told me
with a huge grin on his face.

Mike brought the matches and lit the candle and they all got together on
the other side of the table and started singing "happy birthday". I
couldn't take it anymore. It was suddenly too much. It wasn't their
fault, it was mine, and I knew it, but it happened all the same.

"Please, stop" I said trying not to raise my voice, but they didn't even
flinch. "Please, stop" came my voice again, but I wasn't getting through.
"STOP!" I yelled as I banged the table with my fist, my eyes closed in
anger, pointing towards the floor.

"Are you..." I heard Jay trying to speak but someone made him shut up.

"I told you this wasn't a good idea. Maybe we should leave" I heard Mike
tell the others but I was just to out of it.

"I'm not going anywhere," Sean told the others, "You can leave if you
want, but I'm staying"

"Maybe you should come with us" Mike told his brother again.

"NO! You and Jay go home, I'm staying right here"

The room was silent and the first thing I could her as he door being
closed as someone left I was still lost in my thoughts, but that wasn't
anything new, and as I opened my eyes I could see him looking a me. I
expected him to be really pissed off, but that's not what I saw. He was
staring at me with a look of deep concern in his eyes. I wanted to look
away, to run to some other place, but not for my sake.

I heard him as he sat down on a chair across from me as he waited for an
answer from me. But he wasn't going to get it. I was trying really hard
to keep my mouth shut. I knew what would come out and I knew I wouldn't
be able to control it. All my thoughts and fears had burst the dam and
now my mind was overwhelmed with lot's of different feelings.

"Aren't you going to tell me what that was all about?"

"..."

"Come on! Where did that come from? What's going on with you?"

"I think you should better leave" I tried to sound calm.

"Why? Why do you want me to leave? Why won't you tell me what's going
on?"

"You... please, Sean, leave" I was loosing it, it was about to come out.

"I know something's not right. You think I can't tell? Why won't you talk
to me?"

"You wouldn't understand..."

"Try me! Why did you do that? Why are you acting like such a jerk?"

"LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me. Come on, you have to tell me!"

"I don't have to tell you anything!" And off it went and sadly, there was
nothing I could do to stop it.

As I looked up from the table I could see the look on his face, a look of
total surprise, like someone had suddenly hit him without notice.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"I don't want to talk about it"

"Well, too late! What is wrong with you? You really think I don't deserve
an explanation?"

"You wouldn't understand!"

"You'll never know until you try me!"

"It's too complicated"

"Try me"

"I... I..." I kept moving my hands trying to find something to say. "I
just need to be alone"

"Alone like you want me to leave or...?"

"NO, please, not like that"

"Then what?"

"I... I .." I was breathing hard then, panicking and starting to sweat. I
was getting scared out of my mind. "I just don't know what's going on
with me. I'm just too confused"

"Why don't you start from the beginning?"

"I don't ... I don't want to be... twenty" I saw him looking at me and I
knew there was no way he could understand what I was talking about. "Do
you remember thinking about growing up? Do you remember making plans for
your life, thinking about how it would turn out? I do. I remember so
clearly what I thought I was going to be doing when I turned twenty. I
remember thinking about the year 2000, the new century, I didn't even
know about the millenium. I just thought it was such an important event,
and that I was going to be twenty in the new century. Do you know what I
thought I would be doing?" Of course he didn't answer, he was trying to
cope with hat I was saying, but there was no way he could see where that
was going. "I thought that I was going to be married, that I was going to
be living with my wife and maybe a baby, that's what I thought. I know it
sounds stupid, but I was little, don't remember how little, but I
remember I had to count with my fingers to see how old I was going to be.
As I grew a little older, I realized I wasn't going to be married at
twenty, but I knew I was going to be in college, studying medicine. Half
way through my career..." It trailed of, half because I couldn't keep
looking at him, half because I was afraid to go on.

"So? What does...?" I didn't let him finish.

"It's not easy, please, I need some water." I said as I got some right
from the tap. My throat was dry. "Then, as I grew older, another thing
happened. I realized that one of the things I wanted most since I was a
child was never going to be possible. I was a little over 11 when I
realized that there was never going to be a wife, because I didn't like
girls. Even then I knew that there was no way I could be with one girl
sexually. I was pretty precocious and I had my first French kiss when I
was ten. She was my girlfriend since we were nine and we kissed a lot.
Everyone made fun of me, and then I realized that when I jacked off, it
wasn't her I thought about. It was boys. It was devastating The wife
would never be, the children would never be. Ever.

It wasn't so painful right then, but as I grew older and all my family
had such high hopes for me. Me, the smart boy in the family, they
handsome young man I was becoming and what a big catch I would one day
be. It was like a stab in the heart every time. Every family reunion,
every visit. They all had such high hopes for me. Now I turned twenty. I
have no wife, no children, no career. I just don't know where I'm going."

He got up from the chair and came closer to me, trying to comfort me, but
the moment he touched me, I jumped back like it had stung me.

"That's not all, but I don't think you wanna hear the rest"

"I need to know, please" His voice was soft and pleading. I went back to
my story. A story I never told anyone in my whole life and now that I had
started, I couldn't stop.

"I've always been the man of the house. Ever since my father left us when
I was two and my brother had just been born, a huge responsibility was
placed on my shoulders. I know my mother and grandmother never expected
it to happen, but it did. I was always reminded about how I was the man
of the house, how I should be responsible and help my family. It
eventually was the natural thing to do, I guess that's how I ended being
the "handyman". I had to get good grades and a lot more things in the
house I just can't put together. I eventually started to add up and the
pressure was bigger and bigger. My mom had remarried when I was four, but
they kept urging me to be the man of the house" Sean sat back on a
different chair and kept on listening to my ramblings. It only made me
feel even worse.

"It got difficult after a few years. Eventually, my sister was born and I
loved her from the very first moment. I started being difficult around
that time, and the pressure on my mother's marriage was too much, so they
separated. My mother worked all day, so I eventually became like a father
to my sister. It was great, but again, it became too much for me. I lost
it. I became a very difficult child and I had a hard time. Later, I fell
in love with someone, but it all ended with me being miserable and
heartbroken and I felt like I was never going to get out of it.

Then, everything changed. I got a job, and I enjoyed it a lot. It was
then that I started tutoring you and your brothers and I was so scared to
be working around boys, being who I am. An then it happened. I fell in
love with you. And after that, we were together..."

"But that's good, isn't it?" I could hear the tone of his voice, so
scared.

"Yes, but I don't know"

"What do you mean"

"I don't know where I'm going Sean. Suddenly I don't know what I'm doing
anymore. I'm twenty and I don't know what I want. When we spent that week
together, it was the best time of my life. Then, it was over. I didn't
have you with me all the time. And I need to have you with me all the
time. I'm just so scared that this is going to end. I always knew what I
wanted to do, and one by one, I watched those plans fall apart. I don't
know what I'm going to do"

"Why are you saying that? II don't understand..." the first tear fell
from his left eye and I felt sick to my stomach. I wanted to die right
then and there.

"Sean, I'm twenty... You are fifteen. I just don't know..."

"Please don't say it. Please, don't..." and then he was crying his heart
out. I turned around, trying to avoid looking at him like that, but the
crying wouldn't let me forget it. "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
Maybe... maybe you should find someone your own age"

"How can you think so little of me?" His voice had changed from hurt to
anger. "Do you really think that because I'm younger I don't understand?
That I'm not going to fight for us? Don't you love me?"

"Of course I do. More than my own life. I'm so in love with you I can't
go to bed at night if you are not there. I can't even stop thinking about
you all day, but it gets really scary. I just don't know what I would
do..."

"Don't say it! Why are you telling me this? Are you saying it won't
work?"

"I don't know..."

"I can't believe you! Where did all this come from? What happened to you?
You don't sound like the Steven I know"

"I'm not a good person. Never was"

"Yes you are. You are so sweet and understanding and so compassionate"

"Have you ever seen me hanging out with anyone other than Andrew or my
friend Valerie? You know why is that? Because I don't have anyone else.
I've hurt to many people."

"And now you are trying to hurt me? I won't believe that, ever!"

"Sean, I don't know what else to tell you. Right now I'm so confused, so
out of it, and I know I'm gonna regret this..."

"Then don't do it. Stop this right now! I don't understand any of it"

"I know. I've been through a lot, and meeting you was the greatest thing
in my life, but you wouldn't understand what I'm feeling"

"Why not?"

"Because you are fifteen. Because the fact that I'm going out with you
means I would go to jail if we got caught. Because we will never be able
to go out like normal people, because I'm so afraid of change, so afraid
of what might happen and so afraid to loose you, that I just don't know
what to do. I'm afraid Sean, you are the first really amazing thing that
has ever happened to me and right now, I don't know where to go or what
to do about it."

"Then let me help you. Don't shut me out! If you are not well, I'm not
well either. I f you are in pain, I feel it too, and If you don't let me
help you, let me there for you... I'm so afraid, please don't do this to
me" and he was crying in pain. Pain that I caused him. Pain caused by my
stupidity, pain caused by my fears, pain caused by my inability to face
the only thing that mattered.

"Please, I need you to hold me. Please" he begged, and I could never say
no. I held him like this was the last time. We stayed like that forever,
just holding onto each other. But it had to end.

We both let go at the same time. I sat on the chair and I heard him
sitting on the couch. We stayed silent for a while, both trying to
process everything that had been said. Everything that I had said, which
suddenly didn't even make sense to me. But it was already out there. It
couldn't be denied. I wanted to cry like I hadn't cried in many years,
but I couldn't. Had anything that I had said been worth it? Worth hurting
him like that? I couldn't know. Not right then. My mind wasn't working
anymore. It was completely numb.

Sean got up from the couch and walked around for a little while. He was
pondering something.

"Do you love me Steven? I mean, really love me?"

"More than I have words to say it. Yes, I love you. More than my own
life"

Silence again. A deadly silence that threatened to kill everything.

"Is this over? Do you want it to be over?"

"No... I don't. I need you. But I don't want to hurt you"

"Too late for that" Those words went right through my heart and I died.
"Steven, you are not a bad person. I don't know how you used to be, but
the Steven I know is a wonderful person. He is sweet and caring and he
has good friends. Some of them left today without knowing what was wrong
with you, just because you wanted them to leave." I couldn't face him,
not like this. Not knowing if I was going to make it worse. "I love you
Steven and I always will. I know you know that"

"I do" my voice was roughly over a whisper.

"What's going to happen now?"

"I don't know... I don't know"

With that, I heard him pick up something and then he went towards the
door. He left without saying anything else. I stayed like that for a long
time, just like a brainless vegetable. I don't know how long I stayed in
that chair but when I stood up, I could barely walk. My back hurt and I
didn't care. I was feeling so tired suddenly. So helpless and frightened.
But I couldn't react.

As I came closer to my bed, I saw something on the pillow. It was a
little black box. I picked it up and opened it. There was a small card
inside that read: "To the greatest boyfriend in the world". Below the
card was something I wasn't expecting. There was a beautiful silver ring.
It picked it up and it was engraved inside: "S&S forever".

I wanted to cry, to shout, to curse. But I couldn't. I was dead inside.

_________________________

I know most of you might be thinking about tracking me down and killing
me right now. Be patient, this is not over yet. Please, I need to hear
from you. It's knowing that you are out there that helps me get enough
inspiration to write: bardiel13@yahho.com