Date: Sun, 2 Jul 2000 14:18:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: bardiel13@yahoo.com
Subject: steven and the turners 22

This story contains descriptions of sexual acts between young men.
Although the characters are young teenagers, It doesn't mean the author
endorses or approves sexual liaisons between underage teens or young
men. The following story is just a fantasy. None of this stories are
based on any fact known to the author. If you are not of legal age to
read this, you should leave now. If you do not like stories about
homosexual sex and relationships, you should leave now. If you are of
legal age and like this kind of stories, then keep reading and feel free
to send feedback. bardiel13@yahoo.com.

Important: The story doesn't take place in the US, so don't be surprised
by different seasons and such. The story is copyright 2000 by "Bardiel".
If you copy the story, please leave the credits, and the email address:
bardiel13@yahoo.com. Keep in mind this is my first attempt.

Foreword: When I wrote the previous chapter, I thought you weren't going
to like it and was expecting a lot of mails telling me so. But that never
happened. I got more mails than ever, and all of them told me how much
they liked it (except one). I never expected such a response from it and
I felt a little intimidated after all your praises and words of
encouragement. I don't know if I can get any better, but I will try to
keep doing a good job. Thanks to all of you who wrote to me. It's your
words of encouragement that help me go on. I might have a surprise ready
for next week, I'll tell you about it next time. Sorry for the delay.

Chapter 22: Fear..

I was supposed to start working the next week after that horrible event.
I had to start going to his house. I was in no shape to show up at his
place after what had happened. I couldn't even face Mike, so you can
imagine how I felt about facing Sean. I called in sick, I told all of my
students that I had to stay in bed and wouldn't be starting until the
following week. The expert liar as always got away with it.

The whole week was a mixture of pain and numbness. I laid in bed most of
the time, too weak to even eat some days. I stayed in the darkness of my
room, trying to hide from the pain and the confusion that my life had
become. I didn't even feel like trying to figure out what I was going
through. Just remembering everything that I had done made me sick.

I didn't even leave my place during the whole week. My family didn't get
any answers from me when they knocked at my door. I was alone. Just like
I had asked, but it didn't have the effect I had hoped. It wasn't helping
me figure out what I was going to do. Time went by, and day and night
lost all meaning. I was so depressed I didn't care about anything
anymore. During that week, the bell rang many times, but I never got up
to open the door. I just covered my head with my pillow and pretended
that it never happened. The phone's ringer had been turned off a few days
before.

Saturday was an ugly day. Really dark and rainy. By then, I was sick of
laying in bed, letting my feelings torture me, even though I knew I
deserved it. I sat on my desk by the window, hugging my legs close to my
body and my face on my knees. I watched the rain falling down, the drops
sliding over the glass. I stayed like that for a long time until one
thought was clear enough to go over it. Why did I tell him all of that?
Why did I push him away? Even then I knew that I didn't want him to leave
me, but even when he gave me the chance, I again pushed him away. How
could all of my confusion cost me what it did? The thought of him crying
like he did was to painful to bear, so I pushed it back. I was not ready
to face that just then.

"What's wrong with me?" I whispered. "What am I going to do? Where am I
going?"

(Where do you want to go?)

Until only a month before all of that, I was thinking about getting my
own place. The truth is that Andrew had been helping me analyze the
possibility. I had started checking out apartments, but then I started
considering leaving my family. It's true that even though they weren't on
my case and I was free to do whatever I wanted, just a simple "hello" or
"how are you feeling" was driving me mad. I wanted to get my own place so
bad, but at the same time, I couldn't walk away.

(WHY?)

And then it hit me. I couldn't walk away because I was taught that I
couldn't. Well, not exactly taught, but it felt that way. I was raised to
be the man of the house, to take care of them and the house. To be the
man in charge. To always be there. How could I? Could I just leave them
and get my own place? I wanted to, so much. But I felt guilty. I felt
guilty about leaving my grandma and sister. About not being there for my
sister all the time, about not being there for my grandma who had always
been there for me. She had taken care of us when my father left us and my
mother had to get a job. I wanted to leave, but could I? Why did I feel
like that?

"I should be able to lead my own life and not feel responsible for them.
I shouldn't feel the need to stay"

(You've never told them)

It was true. I had never talked to them about my plans, about wanting to
have my own place. I needed to do that. Maybe they could help me
understand. Maybe they could help me.

I took a deep breath and sighed. It was like a little part of the cloud
had been lifted. That was one of the things that where eating me, but not
the only one. As I thought about it, it didn't seem such a big deal, only
it was. And since it wasn't alone, it only seemed bigger. It was time to
start a new life, and getting my own place was an important step, but it
wasn't the first. I needed to know where I was standing, and before you
start walking, you need to know where you're going.

(What are you going to do?)

I wanted to start college that year, although I wasn't very sure what I
was going to study. Maybe something business related, maybe something
different. But I soon realized that I had missed the date to pay my
tuition. I had been planning to do it all summer, but it had completely
forgotten about it as I laid in my bed all week. It certainly wasn't my
priority right now. I still could start the next semester.

As I kept thinking about what I wanted to do, what I really wanted to do,
I felt a little better. Not much, but better. At least I was getting
somewhere, and after a whole week of nothing but incoherent thinking and
suffering, it felt good to be able to put some of my thoughts in order.

I heard a noise coming from the door as someone was using my grandma's
spare key to open it and I thought it was her. It wasn't, and my heart
sank a little lower as I looked at who was standing at the door with my
sister.

He walked into the studio looking for one of his books. Sean was using
the computer and didn't even notice when he came in. It had been a whole
week since he had left Steven's, but he still didn't know what had
happened after he left. Sean said nothing about it, but just looking at
him told Mike that it couldn't be good. Trying to call Steven didn't
provide any answers since he never answered. He walked closer to his
younger brother and stood beside him.

"How are you doing?" he asked softly, testing the waters.

"I don't know" Sean answered in a sigh.

"Want to talk about it?" It looked like he was trying to decide what to
say but no words came out. "Why don't we go up to my room?" Mike offered.

Sean stood up and he walked along with his brother, never making eye
contact. He sat on his brother's bed as the Mike closed the door behind
them. Mike looked at him and wasn't sure what to say, but he could see
that his brother was struggling with something. He sat down next to him.

"What happened?" he asked, but before he got an answer, Sean started
crying. He was crying so hard, Mike knew that it had to be bad. "What's
wrong?" Sean turned to his brother and hugged him as he cried on his
shoulder. He was hanging to Mike for dear life. He tried to help him
relax, holding him as tight as he was being held. He couldn't help but
remember a time when this wouldn't have been possible, and he swore to
himself that he would help his brother any way he could. "Tell me what
happened" he whispered softly.

"I..." the crying hadn't slowed down enough to let him speak clearly. "I
don't want to loose him!" he cried out. "I'm so afraid Mike. I don't...
want to loose him" Sean told his brother between sobs.

"Shh, it's ok. It's going to be ok" He tried to comfort his brother,
patting his back as he held him close. It seemed to help, as his crying
subsided until he was just breathing hard and shaking a little.

"Want to tell me what happened?"

Sean tried to explain what had happened, trying to explain everything
that Steven had said, hoping that his brother would help him understand
what it meant, what was going to happen.

"I'm scared, Mike. I don't want to loose him. I need him"

"I know. You're not going to loose him."

"How can you be sure? He wasn't even sure himself"

"Because I know how much he loves you. He must be feeling really bad
right now and I know he must be very confused if he told you all of that,
but he loves you. Don't ever doubt that."

"I don't, but I'm so scared. He told me to find someone else" he said as
a new flow of tears started coming out again.

"Forget about that, don't let it get to you. I'm sure he didn't mean it"

"Then why did he say it?"

"I don't know, but you have to be patient. He will tell you when the
right time comes"

"What if he doesn't? What if he leaves me? What if it's over?"

"It isn't. Even then, he told you that he loves you. I know you must be
scared and I don't know what he's going through, but I know it's not
over. You have to believe that. I don't know if it helps, but you will
both get over it. Just give it some time"

"But I need him. I need him so bad"

"I know. Just give it some time. Everything will be alright."

"I'm so scared Mike. I know he'll come back, I know it. But what if he
doesn't?"

"Don't even think about that. You have to trust him, now more than ever."

Both of them stayed like that for a long time until Sean cried himself to
sleep. Mike told his parents that they weren't going to join them to go
out for dinner. He said that Sean had just fallen asleep and that he was
going to stay to study. After assuring them that everything was alright,
he went back to his room and sat down on the bed near his brother. He
couldn't believe what had happened and he wasn't sure how he could help
them. He was sure that Steven had to be going through some difficult
times if he had pushed Sean away like that. He wanted to help, but he
didn't know how. He could have called Steven, but he didn't want to have
that conversation over the phone. Then he realized that Steven wouldn't
have answered it anyway.

"Hi. I asked your sister to let me in. You haven't been answering my
calls, so I decided to drop by" Jay told me as he sat on a chair. "I
don't know exactly what happened, but from the look on Sean's face it's
pretty obvious"

"I'm sorry about the other day. I didn't mean it"

"It''s ok. You obviously weren't feeling very well. But I'm not here to
talk about that. I came by everyday after school but you wouldn't answer
so I just had to lie to your sister. How are you?"

"Honestly? I'm still not sure"

"Is it that bad? Is it so bad that you had to break up with him?"

"Did he tell you we broke up?" I felt very desperate suddenly.

"No, I just assumed that since neither of you were willing to talk,
something bad had happened. He looks really bad, you know?"

"He didn't tell you what happened?"

"No. He comes to school and he doesn't talk to anyone, and when I go back
to his house with him, he just locks himself in his room. What happened?"

"I fucked up. That's what happened. I always fuck up"

"That's not true and you know it. I don't know what is going on, but you
don't look so good yourself"

"I know"

"Why don't you take a shower while I make us a cup of tea or something?
the we can talk about it."

"I'm not in the moos to talk"

"Look, if you don't do it on your own, I'll drag you to the shower
myself"

I knew he meant it. He was big enough to do it too. I climbed down from
the desk and picked up a short and a shirt and headed for the bathroom. I
hadn't taken a shower all week, as I was too focused on my self loathing.
The shower helped a little. It seemed like my head was willing to work
with me for once. As I got out of the bathroom, Jay was waiting for me on
the table with two cups of tea.

"Why don't you tell me what happened to you? I never expected to see you
act like that"

"That's because you don't know me"

"Yes, I do. Don't start with that. I've known you for over a year, and we
both have been really close over the last few months. Now tell me what's
so wrong with you that made you screw up the best thing you've got going
on"

"I wouldn't know were to start."

"Why don't you tell me what you're going to do to make it right again?
That's what you want, don't you?"

"I don't know"

"You don't know what to do or if you want?"

"Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do. But I have to figure it out
on my own"

"Are you trying to do that? Or are you wasting your time with whatever it
is that made you do it?"

"I don't know. I want to sit down and think about it, but I'm not sure I
have an explanation for you. I have to get one for myself first."

"Ok. Just one thing. Don't shut me out like that. Sometimes you need help
from your friends and both me and Mike will be there for you, whenever
you need us. And second, he's the greatest thing that has ever happened
to you and you know it. Whatever is wrong with you, it can't be worth
loosing him."

"I know that. That's what makes it so difficult"

"What is so difficult?"

"I don't think I'm ready to say it, but I think I'm beginning to
understand."

"Steven, you are a great guy, don't let this get to you, whatever it is.
It's ok if you're not ready to talk about it, but I hope you will tell me
someday." He drank the last of his tea and he got up, ready to leave.
"Walk me to the door?"

"Ok" Before he left, I needed him to say something. Something that I
needed to be told, just to make sure, I don't know why. "Do you really
think I'm a good person?"

"Why do you ask that? Don't you know?"

"I think so"

"Steven, you are a great guy. A great friend and a great person. I mean,
why would Sarah trust you her children if she thought you weren't? People
LIKE you, they can all see just how good and caring and responsible you
are. I mean, I look up to you" he said blushing a little.

"You really mean that?"

"Of course, and it isn't just me. We all do. I wish I had it all worked
out like you when I'm your age!"

"I haven't got all worked out"

"But you are doing fine. Whatever it is that hasn't been worked out,
you'll find a way. I know you will." He's words meant a lot to me, and
although I still wasn't feeling very good, they helped a lot. I felt good
enough to face the mess in my head.

"Thanks Jay. I really appreciate that" I gave him a quick hug before I
opened the door.

"Should I tell Sean anything?"

"No, please. Let me get through this first"

"You have something special going on. Both of you. Think about it."

He left me thinking about that. I went back to my place over the desk. I
kept thinking about that night, Trying to understand why I pushed him
away. Trying to figure out why I did what I did. The only thing I was
sure about was that I loved him. I loved him so much it hurt. I had grown
to love him more than I ever expected. More than I thought that I would
ever love someone.

I had promised myself I would never fall in love again. The last time had
been devastating. And yet, when I fell for him, it just fell so right. I
never even questioned it and accepted it willingly. But why did I
suddenly feel so scared about it?

(What do you want?)

I don't know. I know what I want to do and where I want to go.

(What do you want?)

I'm not sure. I know that I want to be with him, but it's scary all of a
sudden. How can it be like that? I know I want him. I know I want to be
with him, and yet, I pushed him away. Why? Why is the fact that I want to
be with him scare me so much?

(You can't keep avoiding the truth)

But what is the truth? What is it that I really want? Why is it so
difficult? I felt the anxiety draining me of whatever little strength I
had left. I felt tired and was beginning to get confused all over again.
I had managed to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and yet I
couldn't understand why I pushed him away. I made my way back to my bed
and before I knew it, I was asleep.

I was very young again, and I was playing with some toys. People were
around me, all seemed to be very happy. I looked around but didn't
recognize any of them. Then someone picked me up and started tossing me
into the air. I felt so happy and started laughing. It felt really good.
That's when I heard it. That's when I finally got it.

"When you smile, the world seems much, much sweeter..."

I woke up from my dream. The room was totally dark and it seemed like it
was really late. But I got it. I had the answer. I knew it.

(What do you want?)

"I want Sean. Plain and simple. I want him and nothing else. The other
things have no meaning if he isn't with me. The only thing that I want is
to spend my life with him. Forever. I want to grow old with him, to hold
him at all times for as long as I live. That is what I want. That was it
all the time."

Bu then it hit me again. Only this time it was the whole truth. It was
the reason why everything else seemed so much bigger. It was the reason
why I didn't want to be twenty, why I was afraid of everything else.

I was afraid of turning twenty because it meant that time was passing by,
and when that happens, things change. And I don't want things to change.
Change seemed like the worst thing that could happen. I was scared to
death about all of it, because everything was perfect. For the very first
time, I had exactly what I wanted. But the thing is, when everything is
perfect, it can only get worse. And although I knew it didn't have to
happen that way, I was afraid of wanting to spend my life with him,
because I realized that he might say no. Because I felt he was too young
to really know what he wanted or who he wanted for the rest of his life.
It sounds stupid, but it was the scariest thought in my mind.

So, just after I realized that I wanted to get him back more than
anything in the world, I didn't know if I could. As much as I wanted to
go to him right then, I was scared out of my mind. What if he didn't want
me back? What if he said no? Just the thought of being turned down made
me doubt if I should. I wanted to, but I was so afraid of the "no". He
could say yes, of course. But in my state of mind, the "no" was stronger.
The fear was stronger.

I had woken up knowing exactly what I wanted only to realize that I
didn't know how to get it. Especially after all that had been said. Did I
still have a chance? Would he take me back? All I wanted was to be with
him, to see him smile, but what if he turned me down? I just couldn't
live with that. That was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. So
I just sat there, in the middle of the darkness, knowing exactly what I
wanted but no knowing what to do about it.

Like being lost: knowing exactly where you want to go and not knowing how
to get there.

_____________________

It's seems like finding the source of your problems is not always the
solution. Will Steven be able to get over his greatest fear? What will
Sean have to say about it? Sometimes help comes from the most unexpected
of places. As always, feel free to tell me what you think at :
bardiel13@yahoo.com (thanks for telling me it was misspelled last time)