Date: Thu, 15 Aug 2002 19:54:04 -0400
From: Roy Proctor <rep1937@hotmail.com>
Subject: Unforgettable Jay

Author's Note:  This is a true story that happened some years ago.  Comments
are welcomed.  Send responses to rep1937@hotmail.com

The Unforgettable Jay
by  Roy Proctor

The Unforgettable Jay - Part I

"Oh, that face," I thought, as a boy I'd never seen approached the door of
the second grade Sunday School classroom. One would think that posterity
had made our paths cross, as both of us stopped in our tracks the instant
we saw each other. Our minds were frozen in time and space while our eyes
seemed to search every inch of each other's person. Then he broke out into
a broad smile, and raced into the room with a shout that forced his arrival
upon everyone.

"Larry, who is that boy?" I asked.

"Oh, that's Jay Caradin. He's a little wild but he's really a nice kid.
Bright too."

He was wild to some but became utterly fascinating to me. It was anybody's
guess how he ever moved in a straight line, as his feet seemed to make
circles as he ran. Many people didn't like Jay too well, as he energized
the very air around him so much that it was irritating. Many simply thought
of him simply as a hyperactive "geek." As for me, I hardly ever noticed, as
his full smile always turned my heart into "duck soup." It didn't help
much, of course, that he had just enough freckles on his face and two
flashing brown eyes that joined forces to light up his countenance almost
constantly.

Jay's hair was especially unique. It was dark red in color, almost a
mixture of amber and dark brown. It was just stiff enough to maintain what
I always regarded as a perfect shape. No matter how long it grew, it looked
like an overgrown flat top. It flowed gracefully down to the nape of his
neck and clung to the sides and back of his head. That hair made him stand
out in any crowd. Jay's hair is an important part of this true story, but
more of that later.

You may have guessed by now that I an enamored with boys. Actually, all
kids and youth, both male and female command most of the thoughts and
intents of my heart. But boys make it sit up and take notice. This fact was
first impressed upon me when I was in junior high school. I remember this
one seven year old boy, who was visiting his dad for the summer. We met and
the two of us became one in a matter of seconds. Our relationship consisted
of close and intensive personal interaction. He left at the end of the
summer and never returned. It felt like the life was ripped out of my
heart.

My poor parents were forever being embarrassed. Whenever we would visit a
family who had kids, we would be wrestling with each other in no time at
all. At their insistence, we would end up in their room where they shared
their entire lives with me. They insisted that I be fully informed of
everything that was important to them.

It has actually been scary at times. In the process of becoming friends
with kids, especially boys, I often end up getting into the inner recesses
of their hearts. Many of my colleague of my working days would frequently
ask, "Ron, what do you do to kids? All they talk about is you."

Administrators would say that many had a tough time working with kids who
had previously been under my one on one instruction. I'm not bragging now.
That's just the way it is. It's just me. Just put a boy in my life and I'm
in seventh heaven.

It's always been strange to me why "getting it on" with boys is such a
natural phenomenon. My own childhood was a tragically unhappy one. I was
constantly subjected to cruel verbal abuse from my dad, even from my very
earliest memories. Consequently, I shrunk away from taking on the
challenges of life as they came. I would never fight with other boys, even
in "rough housing" that is so natural and enjoyable. It would have been
quite accurate to say that I was completely "out of it." It is hard to
believe it wasn't until junior high school that I discovered you are
supposed to dribble a basketball.

One could accurately say that I was a classic case of a broken heart. Years
of more positive experiences, including super natural assistance, have been
good to me, however. Yet, I still get "bent out of shape" whenever I see
kids and youth having a hard time in life. I remember being a big brother
to a 10 year old boy who came to the stark realization that his dad simply
did not want him. We spent many times with me simply holding him and crying
with him. "Your dad is a fool," I insisted.


The Unforgettable Jay - Part II

"I guess you could say that Uncle Sam brought us here," said Tory, Jay's
father.  Tory Carodin was one of the most open conversationalists, I've
ever known.  He was a guy who could "shoot the bull" for hours and still be
ready for more.  If eternity has a conversation throne, this man will be in
the very center of it.  Tory also had a heart that was ten miles wide and
he became a personal confidant was keenly interested in every aspect o my
life I shared.

Tory had a knack of seeing things from other's point of view, and I came to
treasure his companionship highly.  During the years we knew each other, we
solved all the world's problems and explored our own personal problems in
every detail.  Tory was fascinated by human interest situations, so my
personal involvement with boys always captivated his imagination.

Our friendship soon became very deep.  It would be common place for the two
of us to spend a Saturday just doing things together.  Consequently, I
became friends with his wife Trina, Jay and his younger brother, Jason.  I
became a special friend of the family and learned about every area of their
lives.  Tory and Trina even spoke of me as a surrogate grand father of
their boys.  This warmed my heart and gave me an unusual degree of access
to the exciting boy who had a way of making my heart ache.

My first involvement of any significance with Jay was brief, but had a very
profound effect on both of us.  Tory and Trina wanted to spend a little
time by themselves.  Naturally, Mr. Ron, being a hit with Jay and Jason,
was unanimously chosen to watch the boys.  They were instructed to get
dressed for bed, which was to be at a specified time.  To my surprise, Jay
and Jason, returned to the room dressed in T-shirts and white cotton
briefs.  To this day, I do not remember how this came about, but the boys
ended up laying on the floor, looking up at me while I was sitting down.
Jay's feet somehow ended up near my face.  Before I knew it here I was
fondling his feet and kissing them.  His brother was watching and smiling
but did not get involved in the act.

Jay loved every minute of my attention.  He curled his toes and moved them
over every inch of my face.  "Oh," he moaned.  The smile on his face, the
blinking of his nearly closed eyes, and the protrusion in his briefs,
revealed that he was basking in the utmost of pleasure.  His freckles even
shown from the intense enjoyment that took over every thought in his mind.

The object of my affection was not the only one who was enjoying the
experience.  His baby soft skin and padding of his feet, felt cuddly
against my well placed lips.  The fact that I would do such a thing raised
questions in my mind.  "Is this okay to do?  Am I all right?  Despite these
questions, I could have sold out to these actions for hours.

One does not see this particular show of affection very often.  But I would
think it indicates that two people are totally engrossed with each other.
Although the fondling and kissing one's feet, would naturally lead to more
intimate involvement, nothing more occurred that night.  The act was never
repeated but other ways developed that were more long lasting.


The Unforgettable Jay - Part III

It's funny how certain experiences lodge in one's memory.  I remember going
to Tory's house one day and being met by Jay and his brother.  Both of them
were happy to see me.  However, it was Jay's smile that seemed to extend
far beyond the physical boundaries of his face.  He was beside himself with
excitement as he said, "Hi, Mr. Ron.  I was surprised to realize that my
heart ached for attention and company of this exciting boy.

Since Tory and I became close friends, our families visited each other
frequently.  We shared many Sunday afternoons together, and a close
relationship developed between Jay and myself.  Essentially, Jay crawled
into my space and stayed there like a steel post anchored in a concrete
parking lot.  Jay made me his hero, without my deliberate personal
invitation or verbal permission.

We all know the typical scenario of family visits.  The adults "hang out"
together but the kids go off and do their own thing.  Ah, but not so with
Jay.  I had no utter idea just how or when this started, but Jay always
laid down with his head in my lap.  At his insistence, I caressed his hair.
This boy, who charged the very air around him with verbal and bodily
activity, was perfectly still.  One heard soft moans as his eyes would
partially close and roll in their sockets.

In one way, I really felt embarrassed.  "How much attention can one give to
a friend's son?" I asked myself.  "Doesn't it make him feel threatened?"

The answer came one evening while Tory and I were "hangin out" on the tail
gate of my pick up truck.  Somehow our conversation shifted to Jay.  "I've
never felt close to Jay," Tory admitted.  "You see, he isn't mine."

"What?" I asked.  "One would never guess it."

Tory went on to explain that he and Trina were high school sweat hearts.
She was very angry when, without warning, he joined the Navy after
graduation.  Trina then became involved with another guy and Jay was the
result.  The guy deserted both of them, but Tory married Trina and adopted
Jay when he was six months old.  "I sometimes have trouble dealing with his
origin," Tory concluded.  "So ... your relationship with him may be
helpful."

It was amazing to me that Tory was giving me a clear path into the life of
the boy he adopted.  Nevertheless, it encouraged me, all the more, to "hang
out" with he and his family.  It also heightened my desire for Jay and I to
assume our special spot together, where the rest of the world assumed
second place.

One might think that Jason, being a younger brother, would show jealousy
but he never did.  He did think I was an okay guy but was usually content
to play with his matchbox cars for most of an afternoon.

No one in my own family ever commented, questioned or objected to our
favorite past time.  In fact, my older son seemed to be pleased over all of
this.

It was a mystery to me why Jay behaved the way he did.  But there was a
deeper question in my own mind that really bothered me.  Why did I my heart
ache for such attention?  To be loved by a boy is like medicine to a man's
heart, yet I interpreted my dire need for such to be a serious flaw.  Would
my yearnings for Jay ever affect my wisdom in dealing with him?


The Unforgettable Jay - Part IV

It is important to this portion of my true story to introduce Trina, Jay's
mother. Basically, most everyone liked Trina. In the eyes of most people,
she was an excellent conversationalist, was always cheerful and always
demonstrated an exciting sense of humor. She possessed a gift of
hospitality that made one feel instantly at ease in her house. However, in
spite of these admirable characteristics, Trina had two faults that just
about nullified her good points where her family was concerned.

There is a proverb that says its easier to hold oil in the hand than to
quiet a contentious woman. Yes, Trina's default setting was locked into a
"Jezebel" mode, especially where her husband and Jay were concerned.

Trina was also verbally abusive to her son Jay. She was forever chopping
him to pieces with her venomous words, even in public. My own son commented
several times that he felt sorry for Jay, which was my sentiment as
well. According to Trina, Jay played with her mind and was hopelessly
selfish. In actuality, he was reacting mostly to her verbal abuse toward
him. Jay was an astutely perceptive person and figured her out at a very
early age.

There is another significant development. Tory had been out of the Navy for
a time and started a business, which didn't work out well. He re enlisted
in the Navy and was soon given a 6 month consignment. That turned Trina's
complaint machine on, big time.

The final significant development was Trina's attraction to another man who
lived not a few blocks from their house. Tragically enough, this grew out
of control during Tory's six month deployment.

I wanted to talk with Tory before he left and offer my assistance with his
two boys during his absence. But it was disclosed to me, some time later,
that he and Trina had an ongoing feud concerning his re enlisting in the
Navy. They were not even on speaking terms the day he left. So, he was not
accessible for me to discuss the matter. Trina, however was open to my
involvement, for a time at least.

Most of this portion of my true story took place during the summer of
1993. I was employed in a public school system and therefore had time to do
things with Jay and his brother Jason. There were times that the three of
us did things together but my involvement was mostly with Jay. It was
during the summer that our two hearts became welded together. If you saw
me, you saw Jay as my faithful companion. In my opinion, it was a dynamic
love relationship between a man and a boy.

It was during this time, that Jay opened his heart up to me and what I saw
was surprising. In some ways, Jay seemed to be selfish, but he had a
compassionate side to him as well. I shall never forget the time that a
friend of his broke both arms. "You've got to take me over there, Mr. Ron,"
Jay pleaded. "I've got to see if there are some ways I can help him."

Can you imagine the scene? Here stood this boy with both arms in a cast and
braces that held his hands out in front of him. The shock of having someone
showing sympathy toward him certainly helped him to accept his situation.
"I've never had anyone do something like this," he gasped.

Shortly after this touching scene, Trina was in the midst of another
cynical monologue of how Jay was selfish and thought only of himself. I
couldn't contain myself and really gave her an ear full. "Trina, this boy
has shown me more love than I've ever received from anyone outside of my
own family. And let me tell you about his friend who broke both arms."
Surprisingly enough, Trina did not throw me out of their lives.

There was yet another portion of Jay's heart that he revealed to me. "Would
you like to see my dad's military medal?" he asked one day. Off he went and
returned shortly. He opened the case and explained how it had been awarded
to Tory. Then I felt his heart sink when he added, "Yet, I don't feel like
I'm a part of this family. My mom hates me and dad hardly gets involved
with me."

"Jay," I responded. "Tory took you in and gave you his name, didn't he. How
much more can a man give than that?"

"I guess you're right, but when he's home, he never has time to do things
with me. You've done more with me this summer than he has ever done, but
you're not my dad."

"Jay," I replied. "I want your permission to do something. When I write to
your dad, may I brag about you? Maybe it will encourage him to get involved
with you when he returns."

"What is there to brag about?"

"Well, I find you to be real bright. You have a lot of compassion buried
inside. And, your not some `geek' but a very loving person. Sound good?"

Jay was speechless as his eyes examined every inch of my face. The `vibes'
I received raised the possibility that few people had ever given this boy
any such compliments. He started giving me what I call `love punches' and
we were soon wrestling on the floor.

So, I assumed the role of character advocate on behalf of Jay. Every time
some positive trait would emerge, I described it to Trina and filled
several pages of stationary writing to his dad. This was not to say that
Jay did not have negative traits. I got to know him to the point that both
of our faults clashed with each other. This entailed my calling him and
saying, "You know, I do want for the two of us to get along." The tone of
his voice disarmed his hardness and we were back in the warmth of each
other's space once again, with the resumption of the hair fondling routine.

Several times during the summer of 1993, I went to Jay's house, only to
find that he was in trouble with his mother. The story was always the
same. He was playing with her mind. I was always allowed access to Jay
during such times. We would discuss the situation, including some of the
stress that his mother was having to endure. Yet, there was one thing that
was never brought up, the guy down the street.


The Unforgettable Jay - Part V

A new character enters the scene in this part of my true story, Trina's
younger sister, Laura.  This beautiful woman was many things that Trina was
not.  Her personality was even and collected compared to Trina's moods of
disgust.  She possessed a fascinating amount of grace compared to Trina's
blustering verboseness.  Laura was a diplomat whereas Trina was blunt and
almost course in some of her communication.  It was Laura who played a
major stabilizing role in Jay's family.

One could not help but notice Laura upon first meeting her.  She had a way
of capturing a man's attention and arousing his attention, like, "Wow, who
is this?"  Laura was by no means petite but was attractive with her flowing
blonde hair and everything else that men notice.

"Hello Ron," Laura greeted with just the right tone of voice.

"Well ... hello to you." I answered.

Laura was a graceful communicator and could handle most any topic of
conversation.  It wasn't long before I was joking with her.  "Hey now, If I
wasn't married, we'd have a lot to talk about."

"Well now, Mr. Ron.  I'd certainly talk a lot too if you weren't married."

Trina, Laura and myself all joined in free laughter over our jesting with
each other.  Strangely enough, Laura was a very valuable confidante where
Jay was concerned.  She liked Jay and upheld his best interests.

The relationship between Jay and myself took on a little different twist.
I had gotten him a model aircraft carrier for his birthday.  You can easily
guess who he enlisted to help him assemble it.  He was also overjoyed that
I would suggest we take it to my house.  "She's been on my case all day,"
Jay complained.  "You play with my mind, you play with my mind, Yak Yak
Yak."

Trina said initially that she wasn't going to let him go.  "Look," I
pleaded, "I realize that all of you are under stress being by yourself.
Why don't you let me take Jay to my place.  Maybe both of you can cool
off."

"Yes, I guess you're right," Trina acknowledged.  So off we went with
jubilation in our stride to my house.

Assembling the model ship was quite a feat.  There was a lot of painting to
do as well as many small plastic stripes to put on.  We worked on it a
while and then retired to the living room to rest, maybe watch some TV.
Somehow, things were different on this day.  Jay sat on the sofa beside me
and I ended up messaging his back.  Suddenly, he laid across my lap but
with his head on the arm of the sofa and his knees in the air.  Without
thinking about it at all, I started fondling his legs.

I never saw Jay express so much pleasure since the first day I met him.
His eyes closed and he kept repeating in a soft and dreamy voice, "Oh, that
feels so good."  This went on for quite some time.  He was so carried away
by it that nothing else existed in the entire world.

A millions thoughts race through my mind.  "I do believe that he will give
me access to that which defines his boyhood," I mused.  It may disappoint
some readers, but I did not go on for what many might consider the ultimate
prize.  I knew that Tory and Trina would be utterly devastated if such did
happen and they learned of it.  And the possibility of other ramifications
were equally threatening.  We resumed our assembly of the model and never
repeated the scene.

Our relationship was never the same after that near incident.  It seemed as
though we were being driven together by something that neither I never
expected to happen.  This was obvious, to me at least, on one particular
day.  Jay had come in from outside and I was sitting in my familiar spot on
the sofa.  As Jay approached me, I could see something different about him.
He did look older but for the first time I saw every inch of him, in erotic
sort of way.  I felt that his body and soul were penetrating every inch of
me. With a shout, that sounded almost like a growl, he grabbed a pillow
from the sofa and pushed it into my face.  Then he ground his face into the
other side of it.

Shortly after that time, I stopped in to see Jay.  Trina and Laura greeted
me and it was obvious that this was not to be a pleasant social visit.
Trina was quite upset and was almost to a desperation stage.  "That kid has
played with my mind again," she said.  "He has got to be dealt with."  So,
being a parent, I went in and attempted to help her deal with it.

To this day, I really don't understand why I didn't take a long time to
listen to Jay.  Instead, I attempted to help in discipline by taking some
baseball cards away that I had given him.  They were vitally important to
him as he had been trying for some time to find them.  I never saw such
intense anger as on that day.  In just a few minutes a friendship that had
built up over several years was stripped way.  The drive home was
miserable.  "Oh God, what have I done?"

Trina called me a few days later. "Ron," she said.  "I don't think you
should come out here any more."

"You mean because of what I did with Jay, I presume."

"Well that yes.  It could be resolved.  But you should know that I am going
to divorce Tory and move in with Dave.  I've been discussing it with the
boys for some time.  They don't like it, especially Jay, but I can't help
it."

"So that was it," I told myself.  I should have seen that day that
something different was going on, just due to the heightened intensity of
emotions.  Jay had reacted to Trina and probably let her have it with both
barrels, as they say.  That compounded my sorrow.  Jay felt betrayed.  When
he needed someone the most, I wasn't there.


The Unforgettable Jay - Part VI

There is one more character to be introduced into this true story, a
delightfully charismatic boy named Elam. He was born shortly before the
disruption between Jay and I. He is now five years old, and charms everyone
he meets.

Time passed but my heart didn't go with it. Somehow, I was going to set
things aright. Peace would not come until it was accomplished. After a few
weeks, I wrote Jay a letter but never got a reply. I was later to learn
that he read it and tore it up. Tory came home from his six months tour and
I was able to arrange a meeting with him at a fast food restaurant.

Many questions bombarded my mind as I sat looking down the road from which
Tory would appear. "Will Jay come with him? How will Tory react to all of
this? If Jay doesn't come, will he be able to negotiate a time for my
humble apology?" Then, my heart beat raced a marathon as that all to
familiar van appeared. Jason, the younger brother was with him, but no Jay.

Our conversation was amazingly congenial. Tory had a choice to make. If he
stayed in the Navy, he would be sent to Virginia. But the real shocking
news was something I absolutely could not believe. Trina had moved in with
Dave, the infamous guy down the street. Tory arranged to live at his house
with the boys and guess who. Laura. "Man, this reads like a soap opera," I
thought to myself. Tory kept turning the conversation to what was going on
in my life. That hurt. Jason was there and would not be able to handle the
heavy questions I wanted to ask.

Time went on and it didn't look as though my chance would ever come. I ran
into Tory a few times but he didn't seem as open as I remembered him to be.
So, the door seemed to be closed. I remember calling Tory's house once and
Laura answered. "No one else is here, would you like to come out and talk?"
she asked. I jumped at the chance.

"Yes, Ron," Laura explained. "You did what you thought was right at the
time. But because of the circumstances, Jay feels like he was betrayed."

"Will I ever get the chance to reconcile it?"

"Someday yes, but at this time, no."

"Will you let me know when that time comes?"

"Yes, but you need to wait."

And wait, I did. Two years had passed and no chance. In the meantime, I did
a lot of soul searching. Like most people, when answers don't come from
human wisdom and ability, they ask the Lord. "Lord, is here some fault in
me? Why am I so bent out of shape over a kid that isn't in my family?"
Answers did come, as time progressed, resulting in relative sense of peace.
But my desire, before Him who knows all, was for a face to face situation
to set things straight.

I assume that some one else was praying as well, because Tory and Trina did
get back together. Their desire was to make a new start, so he got out of
the Navy and they moved back to their native state. Another year went by
and, for the life of me, I didn't see how a door would open for my
reconciliation, until ....

"A workshop on alternative communication - at the Marriot - Portland Maine"

The company I worked for required a certain number of hours in what they
called continued education. And the workshop in Portland would satisfy some
of those requirements. What's more there was money to pay my way.

"Oh Ron, we're so glad you could come," said Tory and Trina. "And you have
a whole week with us, that's great," added Tory. It was a strange feeling
to see that these two were actually happy together. "Oh, Jay and Jason are
staying up so they can say hello to you," Trina added.

The boys greeted me quite amiably and then went right to bed. I was utterly
shocked, naturally, to see that they looked like grown men. Tory, Trina and
I sat up for quite a while and talked as if nothing of a disturbing nature
had ever happened in the past. It looked as if the whole week would be
fully enjoyable.

Everyone was gone during the day, except for Trina and the "oh so" charming
Elam. What a wonder this boy was. He never ran out of things to say and do
to completely engulf me into his world. As it turned out, he put me at ease
during the entire week.

The next evening, Jay was upstairs in his room doing homework. "Well, if
you're going to do it, it seems that now is the time," I told myself. "Um,
Tory, Trina, do you think I could go up and talk to Jay for just a second?"

"Sure."

They looked rather casual about the whole thing, but I certainly was not. I
cautiously arose to my feet, walked to the doorway and began mounting one
delicate step at a time leading up to Jay's room. "After all this time," I
thought to myself. "I finally am able to set things right. I don't care how
Jay reacts. I've got to do this."

"Hello Jay, may I come in?"

"Sure."

"Man, you've got quite a pad up here. And all to yourself, stereo, desk,
the works."

"Sure do, I like it up here."

I pulled up a chair and sat down the typical way when a guy has something
big on his mind. You know, sitting backwards on the chair with knees spread
apart. After some smll talk about what was going on with him, I started,
"Jay, I guess the best way is to come right out and say this. Well ... the
truth is that I have not always treated you the way I should have. And I
want you to know that I am sorry for all of that."

"I accept your apology. That's cool."

"That's cool?" I shouted to myself. "No big hug? No tears? No dramatic
scene? No mutual slapping on the back?"

"Jay, I want to thank you for your attitude. I know this is heavy and maybe
not cool, but I've carried this thing for a long time. It seems so good to
shed it off."

"It's OK, Mr. Ron. Just let it go."

"I'll do that," I replied while rising from the chair.

I stopped just a few feet from the door and turned around. "This may also
not be cool but I would like to say this. You don't need to respond to it
but, I want you to know that I've really missed you as a friend. And I'm
glad to see that you are getting it on magnificently well. So ... you're
cool."

"Thanks."

The week went great. Elam snookered me every chance he got. Jay watched us
without any particular outward reaction. Tory and all of us went outside,
at one point, and tossed a football. There was one day though, that Jay,
Jason, Elam and I cooked lunch for ourselves. Then we played games. I felt
Jay's closeness but it was expressed in such a mature way that it was
almost unbelievable.

Time went by rapidly. After leaving and was by myself, I cried. A chapter
of my life, with its ups and downs, was over. It was time to move on.


Epilogue

I did learn since my reconciliatory visit, that Jay had found a special
girlfriend. Cool, man. A mutual friend in our area informed me also that
Trina, had turned into her old self. She got on a "huff" about something
and moved out. I tried to call Tory but the number was disconnected.

Oh well. Despite my blunderings in this true story, I'm still convinced
that I was put on this earth to encourage others. That's wild. I tend to be
a discouraged person myself. I'll certainly need super natural help on that
one.

I know, in my heart, that it's well past time to move on. I often wonder,
though. Has Jay gotten married and does he now have a son who will only go
to sleep if you fondle his hair?