From: jw@panther.pphost.nl (Jurgen van der Wilk)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Subject: UnLovable [mm/pedo/pedo/m/m]
Message-ID: <6B05B11C@pphost.nl>
Date: 22 Jun 94 01:23:00 +0200
Organization: PPNet - Internet MailGate Eindhoven (NL) * +31 (0)40-445086
Lines: 789


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 1) by Gipetto

                     "Fear and Loathing in The 'Burbs"

 It was no use. All the money I was spending on therapy didn't seem to
make me feel any better about myself. All those uncomfortable situations
that existed in my life before I decided to see a shrink were still there,
only they seemed to be harder for me to deal with as I grew older. The
worst were those family functions when certain relatives felt they had to
probe into my personal business, asking me why I wasn't married, if I was
seeing anyone. I knew that a lot of them assumed I was gay. All the signs
were there. I was STILL single, I never showed up anywhere with a date,
and I was neat, into art, etc. My friends weren't sure. They knew I liked
hockey and football, and they knew that there were certain women I found
attractive, but then again what did they think about my Smiths and Pet
Shop Boys CDs? What about my Renoir prints? Did they ever notice the
underlying theme of my video tape collection? Not a lot of action flicks
or thrillers, no, almost all of the movies I had taped featured boys,
young boys. A lot of them were foreign, coming-of-age films.
 The more I thought about it, the more I wished that I were gay. It would
be so much easier for me if I was.  At least I would have friends with
similar problems to talk with. I'd have places to go where I could feel
somewhat comfortable about who I was. I could tell my family and friends
that I was gay and then they would leave me alone. I would know for sure
where I stood with them. And who knows, maybe a few of them would have
supported me.
 But this was not the case. I was never really gay. I was never attracted
to any man. I was a boy-lover and this was the last taboo. I guess this
means i'm bi-sexual. Regardless, this is one secret that can never be
told. What friend who was not himself a boy-lover could be trusted with
such a secret? All it would take is one drunken slip of the tongue or
perhaps some random argument for a person to throw away my life. I could
loose my job, I could have my neighbors threaten me, and how could I face
my family?
 The emotions and the loneliness was starting to take it's toll. I was
feeling very stressed and I was drinking more, a lot more. The scary part
was that when I got drunk, I wouldn't care about anything, not even
myself. I was having fantasys that I would never dream of sober, some
were violent. I had to do something. A few weeks later I nervously
had my first session with a psychotherapist.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 2) by Gipetto

                "Journey to The Center of The Mind"

"Hello, I'm Dr. Carlson, but please call me Jon", the doc said as he
entered the room and shook my sweatty hand. "My name's Steve" I said,
afraid to use my last name even though he could read it on the forms I
filled out. These sessions were going to make my finances really tough
but I had no choice, I was too scared to use my company's insurance
benefits. I didn't want anyone to know I was in therapy. Doctor Carlson
made me very relaxed right from the start. He was thirty-something,
divorced and starting to grey, and the round John Lennon style glasses
gave him that intellectual look. But I wasn't convinced that his method of
therapy was what I wanted. I wanted him to scold me. I wanted him to tell
me that I had serious problems and that I had to change my way of
thinking. But I was wrong.
 Instead, he told me that almost everyone had such feelings,
only they didn't dare delve any deeper into them. I wasn't so sure. The
doc didn't seem to think that I was any threat to anybody.
 I told him everything that I'd held inside for almost two decades. I told
him how much I hated child-abuse, how I never wanted to abuse a child. I
told him that I only wanted to love children who needed someone to love
them. I told him how I never had fantasies about violence or abductions
(except for that drinking binge), how my fantasies were always about the
throw-away kids. The ones who are abandoned, or beaten, the ones who are
not wanted by anyone, the ones who need love, the ones who cry alone at
night too often, the ones who can't understand why nobody wants them.
I told him about how I dreamed that somehow I could open my home and my
heart to a boy or boys that would gladly accept my love. I would love
raising and nurturing them as if they were my own sons. I would spend
hours educating them. Surely, I could give a kid more than he would get
from any State agency. Jon believed me. He seemed to agree that I was no
threat and he worked hard to get me to stop beating myself up so much.
 One of the things he did that surprised me was handing me the photo of
his own two young sons from his desk. "Do you think my boys are cute?" he
asked me. I was really uncomfortable with this, but I had known the doc
for a few weeks now, and I really believed that he wasn't afraid of me.
He knew that I had a young nephew who I loved but would never, ever touch
the wrong way. Some of my friends had kids that I was around once in a
while but I never had any feelings for them either. It was because I knew
that these kids had wonderful parents who loved them dearly, so I knew
that they didn't need any special attention from me. It was like a trust
that I could not violate. By showing me the picture, he was letting me
know that he believed me, that I could be trusted. "Yes, I answered
honestly, "they are really beautiful boys, Jon." The doc could sense that
I was uncomfortable about this questioning. I tried not to stare at the
photo but Jon kept making me look at it. The picture was a close-up
of his two young sons, 11 year-old Jamie and 7 year-old Justin. Both
boys had dark brown hair, cut in a mushroom-like mop, and big brown eyes.
Jamie was holding little Justin on his lap. The younger boys' well tanned,
un-muscular legs were quite visible, his legs slightly spread so I could
see his soft inner thighs. I hoped the doc wouldn't know that I was
staring at his boy's thighs as well as his eyes, but he knew me better.
He asked, "What would you want to do, sexually, to Jamie and Justin if you
knew that they wanted to play sex with you, Steve?" I was embarrassed by
the question and told the doc so, but he insisted that I answer him
honestly, so I did. "Well, the older boy, Jamie, I guess I'd really want
to have anal sex with him, because he's old enough, and Justin's kinda
young, I think I'd like to have him lay on top of me and rub his penis
against mine until I came."
 Then he asked me, "If I had you babysit them, would you try to do those
things with them?" "No", I said, "they wouldn't even like me anyways, and
I could never force myself on a kid."
 Jon said, "That's what I hoped you would say, Steve, I really don't think
you should worry yourself so much, I honestly don't think you're a threat
to anyone. I'd like to try a stimulation test on you, but it's on the
honor system, you just have to tell me whether or not you're being
stimulated, ok?"
 "Sure", I said.
 The doc then went over to a safe behind his desk and took out a video
cassette tape. He put into the VCR in the corner of the office and
forwarded it to a certain point on the tape counter. "I want you to watch
some scenes on this tape and tell me how you feel", he said.  As he
pressed the 'play' button, my eyes widened at the sights before them. It
was a clip, apparently, of a nudist camp and it featured 4 young boys
sitting on the stairs in the shallow end of a pool. They were all between
6 to 9 years old and as they began wrestling with each other, their wet
young bodies glistening under a hot sun, one of the boys displayed a perky
boner. The doc stopped the tape, snapping me out of my fog and asked,
"well?" "Yes", I said as I fumbled with my own hard-on, "I find this type
of thing very exciting". The doc said nothing as he advanced the tape to
another index point. This one was very different. The camera started from
a close-up of a candle's flame and pulled out to show a dark, candle-lit
room, and made it's way towards the center of the room where a gorgeous,
mop-top blonde boy around 11 or 12 years old was laying on his back on a
bunch of pillows. He was surrounded by four men who were visible from the
neck down only. One man had the boy's soft thighs spread and up the air as
he pumped his rod up the kid's warm bum. Another was at the boy's side, up
near his head and he had the tip of his dick in the boy's mouth, sometimes
slapping it off his lips. The other two were on each side of the boy,
rubbing their stiff dicks against his smooth dry skin, and they
gently caressed his nipples and thighs. The boy's face was unforgettable.
He was smiling and giggling, talking to the men as if they were old
trusted friends, asking them to rub his 'pee-pee'. The man who was getting
head began to blow a load and I couldn't believe how the boy stuck his
tongue out to catch as much as he could, most of the payload running down
the side of his pretty cheek. Now the men on the sides were pulling their
rods hard as if they were ready to shower their young lover with warm
jizz. The doc stopped the tape there.
 I was ready to cum. "I liked that too!" I told Jon as if he didn't
already know. He had already advanced the tape again and pressed 'play'.
 Now, I saw a boy's face, 12 or 13 years old. He looked somewhat sad and
the camera pulled out to show him naked, his hands tied up by rope above
his head. Two bearded dudes came into the picture and one yelled at the
kid, "Are you gonna do what we want?" The kid didn't look at him. Now the
other dude gets in the kid's face and yells, "You deaf?" My dick was
starting to get soft. Then the second dude pulls out a whip and stings
the boys limp penis with it. The kid lets out a whimper and the guy starts
tugging at an earing in the boy's nippple. The other guy now had his pants
down and was waving his hardening dick in the boy's face. I could see
tears on his face as he took the asshole's pud into his mouth. Now the
other guy takes a swig from a Miller beer and pushes his arm against the
kids back and starts jamming the bottle up his ass. I could hear the poor
kid start to cry for help through his tears as the two jerks laughed.
 "Stop the tape, please." I said, dick completely shriveled.
 "That shit," I said "really bothers me.
 How could they do that to a beautiful kid?" Jon tried to explain that I
should feel good about myself because I apparently had no violent urges,
but it didn't make me feel better. I left the office feeling horrible
about myself. It would take a couple of days to get that sight out of my
mind. It would even pop into my head to interrupt my usual non-violent
fantasies. I could see the look in his eyes, I could hear his pleading
voice, and I could remember the sight of blood on the beer bottle
that was forced up the poor kid's anus. Where did they get him from? Did
he have a family that was missing him? Is he alive now? I didn't sleep
that night. No wonder Jon liked me!  As I left, he said that he had some
patients that loved that clip. "This therapy thing just ain't gonna do
it", I thought to myself as I planned out how to tell Jon that I was
going to stop the weekly sessions.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 3) by Gipetto

                            "Dickteaser"

I wished that I had a bigger dick as I stretched on my skin-tight
lycra bicycle shorts. I had arranged to do a 30-mile ride with Doc Jon
Saturday morning, seeing that we were both cycling enthusiasts and lived
only a few miles from each other. We met at a neutral site and had a
great ride through some heavily wooded farm-country. What better way to
spend a warm, sunny June morning? As we rode, mile after mile, I was
trying to think of the best way to tell Jon, who really did care about
his patients, that his methods of treatment weren't what I needed. Jon
waved at me to follow him as we went down some side streets that I was
not familiar with. After a while he stopped at the end of a driveway.
Water break, I figured, as I came to a stop and fumbled for my water
bottle.
 Now I see Jon start to walk up the driveway and I realize that this must
be his house. I follow him up the driveway towards the toy-cluttered
garage. I didn't really want to be here. The doc went over to the wooden
fence beside the garage and opens the gate to reveal his two gorgeous
sons playing soccer in the side yard. As the two young angels yelled
"Daddy!" excitedly and rushed their dad, I was checking out their cute
soccer uniforms. The younger Justin had white shorts with a yellow shirt
and knee-socks. Jamie also had white shorts but his knee-socks were red.
His shirt was on the ground, as his tender white skin was getting tanned
by the early summer sun. "Steve, I want you to meet Jamie and Justin" he
said as he motioned for the boys to shake my hand. I enjoyed each whimpy
hand shake as I tried to decide what I should stare at, Jamie's smooth
chest or Justin's cute butt. As I felt the first surge in my crotch,
I remembered I was wearing pants that had nothing to hide. The fear of
getting a boner in front of the doc was enough to make it subside again.
"Steve's a good friend of mine." he told his young offspring, as he walked
out of the garage, I noticed that he had a camera in his hand.
"Why", I thought to myself. I hate having my picture taken. Jon motioned
me to kneel on the lawn as the two cherubs snuggled up on each side of me.
  I had to think about hockey fights to keep my spandex pants from
revealing my thoughts to the doc. My mind was taking snapshots to take
home for later on when I was 'alone with myself'. I'd not forget the feel
of Justin's little arm wrapped around my neck or the tiny baby-fur hairs
on Jamie's thighs or the warmth of Jamie's pale shoulders under my hand.
Why was the doc doing this, though? He must have known what it would do to
me! Later, after he had shoo'ed the youngsters away, he told me that he
wanted to prove to me that I could be around kids, enjoy it, and not feel
like a freak or feel guilty. "If I went to the store right now and asked
you to keep an eye on them, would you abuse them?" he asked, looking me
straight in the eye. "Of course not," I said, "but honestly, I might
really want to horse around with them, you know, wrestle with them and
maybe give 'em hugs to let them know that I care about them." "That's
OK," he said, "there's nothing wrong with that. I would have no problems
knowing that my two boys, who I love more than anything, were with someone
who would give them as much love as I would!" "Don't you see Steve? Most
of your feelings are normal and you shouldn't feel any different about
your love for boys just because you're single. I trust that you would only
have sex with a boy who really wanted you too. But I don't know if that
will ever happen for you". I was actually starting to feel a little better
now, so I decided to lighten up the mood. "Do you need a babysitter?" I
asked with a wry grin to let Jon know that I was only kidding. "No", he
said with a smile, "their grandma watches them for me". "Damn!" I thought
to myself, "I hope she drops soon".


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 4) by Gipetto

                         "Invasion of Privacy"

"I'm sorry, Doc", I said, looking down at the familiar rug in Dr.
Carlson's office, "but I just can't afford these sessions any more."
 "That's your decision, Steve" he said sounding a bit dissapointed,
"I really thought you were making a lot of progress in terms of your own
self-esteem."
 "Well", I said, "sometimes I felt that way too, but whenever
I was at home alone, it just felt like I hadn't gotten anywhere."
 The Doc seemed to study the rug for a while as well, then he made the
offer that would change my life forever.
 "You're pretty good with computers, aren't you?" he said. "Yes, I know
quite a bit, mostly hardware." I replied. The Doc then offered me a deal
I couldn't refuse. He wanted to upgrade his old PC to a faster machine
but didn't know much about hardware. The deal was that I would select the
equipment for him, and transfer his patient data from his old machine to
the new one and provide whatever training he would need. In return, I
could keep my weekly sessions for free. We shook on the deal and within a
week I was building his new PC. One late evening while I was in the middle
of using a tape drive to transfer his patient files from his old PC to his
new one, the Doc told me he was wiped out and had to go home to see his
boys and get some sleep. I told him he would be without a computer the
following day if I quit then. He went into his office and came out with
a spare key. "Just lock up when you're done", he told me with a pat on the
back, "I really appreciate this, Steve."  Dr. Jon left, and I resumed
transferring his data.
 "It looks as if everything went off without a hitch", I thought to myself
as I closed up the case. I figured I should check it out just to make sure
that Jon wouldn't have any problems the following morning.
 All of a sudden it hit me. "Holy shit!", I thought to myself as I looked
at the data on Jon's computer. All of Jon's patient files where right here
for me to browse. My heart started to pound as I remembered that Jon also
counseled children who have been sexually abused as well as children who
were 'sex abusers'.
 I had seen stories about young boys who were themselves labeled as sex
abusers, probably because some uptight shmuck caught them playing sex
with other kids, forcing their own ignorant labels upon these young
innocents who were only sharing their own sexual learning experiences with
a trusted young friend. These well-meaning boobs hurt more kids than they
help because they don't understand the inherent innocence of children's
sex play. To me, that means kids as old as 14.
 It was like a dream come true, but it quickly ended when I entered
Jon's data base only to be greeted with the message:
"Please enter password:"


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 5) by Gipetto

                 "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side"

 It was getting late. I compressed the data base onto diskettes and
brought them home with me. For a week I tried finding the password.
Jon's name, the boy's names, everything I could think of. Then it
happened. One lonely Friday night, alone at my computer, I was trying
every date from 11 years ago, thinking maybe he used Jamie's birthday.
It didn't take long. 021282. All of a sudden the screen changed. I had
gotten used to the "Password Failure" screen that I had seen too many
times. Now the screen was full of alphabetical names. I saw my own name
there. I spent 3 hours reading true stories that were unbelievable.
Stories of rape, incest, and other sex-related crimes. Most of the files
however, seemed to tell stories of over-reacting adults, who unknowingly
were screwing up their own kids heads because they did not or would not
understand the sincerity of man/boy or boy/boy love. Some of these poor
boys were being treated like freaks just because they were caught sharing
a private moment of sex-play with another boy! This could have happened to
me when I was only 6! Thank god I wasn't caught!
Then, as my eyes grew tired, I read the file that stood out from the
others.
 He was 9 and 1/2 years old. Ethan had more problems than most adults I
knew. At the age of 6, he was raped and abused my his own mother and a
female friend. Naturally, he hated and did not trust women. His mom died
in a women's prison a few years later. Ethan was thrust into the State's
youth services system. He was sent to 4 different foster homes in 2 years,
and he a had psychological rap sheet that was enough to scare away any
prospective adoptive parents:
 -Ethan was expelled from one elementary school after a teacher walked
  into the boy's bathroom and found 8 or 9 little boys having a 'pee'
  fight. Ethan's idea!
 -Two foster families had him removed because he had a habit of climbing
  into the parents bed late at night, naked. The parents would tell him
  to get dressed and get back into his own bed but were shocked the next
  morning to find him in bed with one of their own boys, also naked.
 -In a State boy's home, he was accused of wetting his bed purposely
  because he liked having the male counselors undress him and clean him
  off.
 -In the same State home, he was accused of teaching younger boys to
  masturbate.

 The file went on to say that he would most likely have to spend his
entire life in the State's youth services system.
 I had other ideas.
 The file contained the address of a woman who would be Ethan's last
chance at a foster home. Why they'd make him live with a woman when he was
so distrusting of them made no sense to me at all.
 I started driving by the house once in a while, hoping I would see him.
A couple of days later, it paid off. I drove down the street and saw a
small boy leaving the yard and heading into the convenience store next to
his foster home. "This can't be him", I thought to myself, "he's too small
and way too beautiful". It was ironic that his name was Ethan because he
was almost an identical twin of the boy actor who played Ethan on the
'Thirtysomething' TV show.
 I went into the store and picked up a newspaper and stood over Ethan
who was carefully looking over the candy shelf. No one was looking,
so I slipped a dollar in front of Ethan who took it with a smile and
a big "Thanks, mister!"
 "Get whatever, you want, buddy." I said.
 I bent over and quietly whispered to him, "I'm a friend of doctor Jon."
He looked back at me with a surprised smile and said "really?".
"Yes", I said, "I need to talk with you about something private."
Ethan seemed to trust me, so we bought our candy and he jumped into
my car without any hesitation. He was wearing dungarees and a t-shirt, a
true-blue all-american boy, so I had to concentrate on his beautiful
face and his penetrating blue-green eyes.
 "I did a bad thing," I said to the curious boy, "I read Dr. Jon's
secret patient files from his computer." I know all about what a
rotten life you've had so far, but I promise I'll keep it a secret."
Ethan didn't seem to mind too much, he just looked a little embarrassed
and seemed to wonder where I was going with all this. "I'm a
photographer", I said, making it up as I went along. "I'd really like
to take some nude photos of a little boy, and I thought that you would
probably be willing to do it. I'll even give you fifty dollars for it,
but it has to be our little secret, OK?" Ethan's face lit up as he said,
"yea, sure i'll do it".
 I started driving towards my condo thinking that I has just gone to
heaven.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 6) by Gipetto

                           "Model of Innocence"

  Ethan removed his tee shirt as I fumbled to put a fresh role of film
into my camera. The first picture was kind of artistic, with Ethan leaning
up against a wall, shirtless, pants unbuttoned and partially unzipped,
hair all messed up, and a tough-guy look, complete with cigarette. Now I
wanted some innocent looking shots. I got one of my tee shirts for him to
wear. He put it on and removed his pants and underpants. "Let me see it",
I said boldly. Ethan obliged, pulling up the shirt and shaking his hips
to make his 3 inch boner dance for my eyes. Any innocence would have to
faked with this boy. I had to adjust the growing flesh in my own pants,
and Ethan seemed to be proud of the effect he was having on me. I finished
the session with many close-up of Ethan's face, ass, penis, and legs
before the roll of film was spent. I put down the camera and walked up to
the naked kid, trying to think of some way to thank him, but at a loss for
words, I just put out my arms and Ethan walked into them. I put my hand on
his head, which came up to my chest. He said nothing and looked down at
the floor. I ran my hand through his hair and we said nothing as we walked
into the bedroom. Ethan laid face down on the thick comforter on my bed
and I was drooling as I eyed his soft pale-white ass cheeks. I ripped off
my clothes as fast as I could and joined my new young lover on my bed. I
started rubbing the soft mounds when Ethan rolled over, exposing his stiff
young rod.  "I'll masturbate you if you masturbate me", he said eagerly.
 "That's cool.", I said, figuring that I'd be happy to let things go at
Ethan's speed. "I wanna do you first", he said as he sat up at my side.
 Ethan gently grabbed my throbbing dick and started stroking it like a
pro. I wondered how many other men had experienced this amazing sensation
before me. I was getting close to coming when I noticed how much in love I
was with his beautiful face and his muscular young body. I had to feel
more of Ethan. "Hump your pee-pee against mine", I asked. He eagerly
obliged, spreading his legs to straddle me, placing his hot, little-boy
boner against mine. His entire warm body was now rubbing against mine, his
loving eyes were inches from mine, and each of my hands clutched a soft
bum cheek as Ethan humped away. My heart was pounding as I breathed in the
smell of sweatty sex. I closed my eyes an began humping back, feeling the
shot after shot of warm cum, blasting out of my dick and making it even
more slippery between the boy's penis and mine. I opened my eyes to look
into his, but Ethan's head was down and his eyes were closed. He was
pumping even heavier now, and his small fingers dug into my shoulders.
I noticed how heavy he was breathing as he pumped his little hot rod up
and down against mine. I stuck a finger in my mouth to wet it, then slowly
pushed it up his warm, tight ass which was still pumping furiously. Then I
heard him gasp softly and his rhythmic pumping slowed as my little lover
opened his eyes and said to me apologetically, "I don't have wet cums
yet." I placed my first loving kiss onto his lips and I pulled my finger
out of his warm love hole and rolled over onto of him now, and began
exploring his sweet body with kisses. I kissed his lips, his cheeks, his
nipples and tongued his belly-button which made him giggle wildly.
 His high pitched, little boy laughs were like the most beautiful music
I had ever heard. I longed to play a symphony of giggles on Ethan's
lovely body.
  "The finger up my bum felt funny, Stevie.", Ethan said. I told him how
much I wanted to have my penis inside him but I felt he wasn't ready for
that yet, when he looked me in the eye and said "Dr. Jon said that too!"
 "Oh my God!", "Dr Jon?" I thought to myself.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 7) by Gipetto

                 "There Is a Light That Never Goes Out"

Ethan and I shared a warm shower together, during which he told me about
how Dr. Jon had invited him to his house one weekend. Ethan said he liked
Dr. Carlson and liked having sex with him but he enjoyed having sex with
Jamie and Justin even more. I couldn't believe that Jon would have sex
with his own sons, but Ethan told me all about it. Another thing we
discussed really bummed me out. Ethan had some nasty scars on his wrists
and when I asked about them, he admitted that he tried, unsuccessfully,
to kill himself a few weeks ago. I was in shock.
 Ethan started to cry as he told me why he did it. "I don't want to be
sent to a new home every 2 months." he said. "Nobody wants to love me!",
"Why?", he pleaded.
 I told him honestly, "People are probably afraid of your strong sexual
urges, buddy. They don't want you playing sex with their kids."
 He looked up at me with the saddest puppy-dog eyes I had ever seen and
pleaded, "What's so wrong about loving kids?" I had no answer. I only
asked him to promise me that he'd never try to do that again, and I would
try to work something out for him with Dr. Jon. He didn't answer me. We
just stood there under the warm shower and hugged each other. "Can we
spend some time together again?" I asked the boy whose arms were tightly
wrapped around my waist. "Yes, and Stevie, I don't want any of your money,
just promise you'll take me out some night?", he said.
"I promise, buddy", I said. His words reminding me of one of my favorite
songs, "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" by the Smiths. I could hear
Morrissey singing the first verses:
            "Take me out tonight,
             To where there's music and there's people,
             and their young and alive...
             Driving in your car, oh please don't drop me home,
             because it's not MY home, it's THEIR home
             and I'm welcome no more"
 I played the song for Ethan as I drove him home that night. He was one of
those latch-key kids who were home alone all day. As long as I had him
home by 6:00, his foster mom wouldn't even know he was away all day. Ethan
loved the jangly guitars of the song and I could tell that the words were
hitting home for him.
  The next song on the CD, "The Boy With The Thorn In His Side" hit me
even harder.  As the guitars strummed away, Morrissey seemed to sing
exactly what was in my heart at that moment:
             "The boy with the thorn in his side,
              behind the hatred there lies
              a plundering desire... for love...
              How can they see the love in our eyes
              still they don't believe us?
              How can they hear me say those words
              still they don't believe us?
              And if they don't believe us now
              will they ever believe us?
 I looked at Ethan's leg which was keeping time to one of my favorite
songs and thought about how perfect it was that he had impeccable taste in
music, as well. I thought about how i'd love to teach him how to play
guitar, and how cool it would be if we could write songs together about
our love. What controversy! Do you think a man/boy duo would be more
shocking than Madonna. Yea, so much so that I'd probably end up in jail.
 Ethan left with a simple handshake and a promise from me that i'd call
him tomorrow. As I drove away, I put in a CD by Peter Murphy and played
yet another song, "Strange Kind of Love", that made my amazing day with
Ethan come back to life in my mind:
               "A strange kind of love
                a strange kind of feeling
                swims through your eyes,
                and like the doors
                to a wide vast dominion
                they open to your prize"
 As I sang the words to the soft, gentle love song, it came to me. A plan
that would save Ethan's life, as well as mine. I don't believe in God,
yet I thanked him anyway, thinking that if there were a God, and he loved
Ethan and me, he would know that we only wanted to be together, and love
each other. I would work out the details that sleepless night.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 8) by Gipetto

                           "Boys on Film"

I met Ethan at a pre-arranged spot early Saturday morning. It was yet
another beautiful early summer morning. We talked about how cool it was
that we had found each other and promised that we would share the rest of
our lives together. I honestly told him that I couldn't promise him that
I would still be sexually attracted to him once he reached his late teens
but I DID promise to always love him and take care of him. He knew me well
already because I could tell that he knew I was being honest. He told me
that he really liked boys more than men but right now he really wanted a
daddy to love him. And I was the lucky guy! This was better than hitting
the lottery.
 We drove past Dr. Jon's street several times. Finally, I saw him leaving
the garage on his bike, going out for his usual 30 mile Saturday morning
ride. Once he was out of sight, I pulled up in front of his house. Ethan
pushed the doorbell button and we waited for a minute until a tiny voice
yelled from behind the door, "Who is it?" Dr. Carlson's kids obviously
had been taught about strangers. I was wondering what to say when Ethan
took over. "Hey Justin, it's me, Ethan, remember?" The door opened a
crack and I saw the little boy's eye look us over. Justin then opened the
door wide and gave a big enthusiastic "Hi Ethan!" "Hey Jamie, Ethan's
here!", he yelled down the stairs to the dark basement. Justin showed
Ethan and me downstairs to a dark playroom where Jamie was sitting in
the dark watching Saturday morning cartoons. "Hi", he said looking us
over quickly and returning his eyes to the television that lit the room.
Both boys were wearing thin summer pajama shorts and no shirts and their
hair was messed up enough to tell me that they had just recently gotten
out of bed.
 "Daddy didn't say that you were Ethan's daddy", the inquisitive little
Justin said. Ethan and I smiled at each other and I said "Well, it's not
official yet!" Enough small talk. I gave a discreet wink to Ethan to put
the plan into motion. "Jamie, do you know where that tape is that we made
with your dad last winter?" Ethan asked the older boy. "Uh huh", he said
as he jumped over to a bookshelf containing volumes of encyclopedias. The
older brother grabbed a volume from the bottom shelf and opened up a
hollowed-out volume, removing the videotape that Ethan had told me about
two days before in my shower.
 "You can't take it though, unless you ask my dad", Jamie said.
 "We have a VCR right here!", the little brother volunteered.
 "I just wanted to show it to Stevie", Ethan said. Without any
reservations, little Justin took the tape and placed it into the VCR
and started the show. I sat down on the couch in the dark room, Ethan at
my side. As I placed my arm around my young friend, little Justin
decided that he wanted some cuddling too. He climbed up on my other side
and snuggled up against me. I placed my other arm around his warm, young
body and began rubbing his neck and shoulders.
 The tape was filmed in the same room as we were in, only all the lights
were on. Dr Jon was apparently playing the Fellini role as I could only
hear his voice from behind the camera. He was prodding Ethan and Jamie
into comparing pee-pee's. Justin was on the couch in the background,
giggling wildly, having nothing to loose, knowing that he didn't have a
chance in this contest. I gently tickled under Justin's arm to make him
giggle just like in the film. I generally craved boys a bit older than
him, but little Justin was winning my heart. He seemed to crave attention
and cuddling and I was happy to oblige. My attention was drawn back to the
tape where Ethan had opened his dungarees and pulled down his underpants
below his ballbag to proudly show his stiff young penis. Jamie soon
followed the lead, but just to do one better pulled his pants and undies
down to his ankles. There wasn't too much difference between the boys,
and both kids were circumcised. The camera was then set down onto
something and I could now see Jon directing the two pantless boys towards
the couch. Jamie walked up to his dad with his arms up in the air so that
Jon could take his shirt off. Ethan removed his own shirt. As Ethan laid
back on the couch, Jon told Jamie to "give Ethan a blow-job". Jamie placed
his hands on Ethan's thighs and slowly took his hot little rod into his
mouth. Ethan had a peaceful look on his face as he lovingly rubbed Jamie's
hair. At the side of the couch, young Justin was sitting in a chair on his
daddy's lap, pants pulled down to his knees. Dr. Jon was lovingly stroking
his 7 year-old's baby boner. They both starred quietly at the wet, moaning
pre-pubescent boys making love on the couch. "I wanna cum", the usually
reserved Justin yelled, as he pushed Ethan's legs up into the air and
fumbled to jam his dry dick up Ethan's love hole. Dr. Jon ran over and
quickly rubbed some lubricant onto his boy's trembling penis and a little
onto Ethan's tight hole. Now the stiff little rod was pumping in and out
smoothly. Jon now removed the rest of Justin's clothes and told the
littlest one, "go let Ethan suck your pee-pee". Justin ran over and
climbed onto Ethan's chest, spreading his legs wide, and thrusting his
little pee-pee and ballbag into Ethan's wet mouth. Jamie's eyes were
closed and his whole body trembled as he yelled "Ohh" and pumped harder
a few more times, finnally pulling out his stiff dick. I could see a trail
of cum between the tight pink hole and the wet little dick.
 Seeing that Ethan was stroking himself, paying more attention to sucking
the little boy in his mouth and fingering his tight little asshole, Jamie
took over, stroking Ethan's now purple dick hard and fast, probing his now
loose anus with two fingers. Ethan's hips started pumping up and down and
soon his whole body shook. He let out a sigh of relief, and as little
Justin crawled off his chest, knowing that even though it was dry, Ethan
had had an orgasm, Ethan grabbed the youngster around the neck and pulled
Justin's soft lips to his. As I watched them kiss, I noticed that Justin's
lips were getting really wet. Ethan was a wet, wet kisser. We hadn't done
much kissing during our first love experience, but I loved wet kissers,
especially boys. There would surely be more kissing in our future.
 Dr. Jon was now on the end of the couch, rubbing his dick on Jamie's.
He kissed his son and said "I think you're ready for me now", to Ethan.
 Little Justin climbed onto his brothers lap, and Jamie started fondling
his little brothers genitals as they both watched their dad
gently take Ethan's head and guide his warm, wet mouth onto his hard-on.
 As I watched Ethan suck Dr. Jon, I finally took my eyes off the
screen to see what was happening in the playroom. Jamie was on the floor
at my feet fondling his dick. Ethan had his hand up Justin's shorts and
was feeling up the 7 year-old. I pulled off the boys PJ's and placed him
onto Ethan's lap. I then sat on the floor next to Jamie, placing my arm
gently around his shoulders and looked directly into his eyes. Having
nothing clever to say I just quietly mumbled, "Can I love you?". Jamie
gave me a little smile and let go of his boner so that I could go to work.
As I started stroking the eager youngster, I realized that it was Jamie's
sweet, soft ass that I'd wanted ever since I met him. I sucked his
soft upper lip between mine for a moment, then asked him to "roll over,
honey". Jamie obliged and I rubbed my face in between his pale white buns
which were not tanned like the rest of his muscular, athletic body.
I took in as much of his scent as I could, then began licking each mound,
making them wet with my spit. Just in time, I stuck my red-hot prick
between the cheeks and began rubbing it against the wet, soft mounds,
the heat of the tight brown hole exciting the tip. I never made it inside
of him. I began blowing gobs and gobs of juice between his ass cheeks.
When I could pump no more, Jamie rolled over, still stroking his small
hard on. I owed him now, so I laid back against the couch and told him to
stand up in front of me. As he did I took his love-bone into my mouth
and began sucking and stroking, sometimes going down enough to take his
ballbag into my mouth. Justin was kissing Ethan's boner beside us. I
knew Jamie was ready when he started running his small hands through my
hair. I heard him groan out load as I felt the hot shots of salty jizz
fill my mouth. I didn't matter what it tasted like, as long as I knew it
was Jamie's love in my mouth, I swallowed all he could give. It was the
first time I'd ever had a young boy cum in my mouth, and I thought nothing
else could ever be so exciting. I had to pinch myself to believe that
after so many years alone, fantasizing that I would someday make love to
one young boy, I was actually surrounded by three young angels who were
having fun, and sharing sexual love experiences with me.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 9) by Gipetto

                              "Family Values"

 It felt like we were a close nudist 'family' now. We all cleaned up our
wet naked bodies together in the bathroom. I was amazed at how close Ethan
and Jamie were. They were hanging all over each other, wrestling and
talking about how much fun it was when Ethan used to sleep over in Jamie's
bed with him. I wondered how close and tender those nights must have been.
Poor Ethan, with all his problems holding onto caring Jamie's young naked
body for the love and attention that every kid needs, as much as they need
food. Justin was all excited now, telling the older boys to show me the
hot tub. I followed the boys as the littlest one pulled me by the hand.
 We ran upstairs and out onto the deck in the back yard. It was absolutely
gorgeous, completely private and looked out to miles of heavily wooded
conservation land. Tucked neatly into the corner of the deck was a big
European style hot tub. We slowly climbed in, and after our bodies got
used to the water, we started horsing around. Wrestling in a hot tub with
three naked young boys? Gotta be in heaven. All of a sudden I saw two legs
next to me.
 As I looked up, the spandex bicycle shorts confirmed what the soft 7
year-old in my lap had yelled out, "Daddy's home!"
 Dr. Jon didn't look mad but he didn't look happy either as he calmly
asked me, "What are you doing here, Steve?" As I started to answer,
the wrinkles on his forehead disappeared, and a surprised look appeared
as he saw Ethan. "Ethan, how are you?" Ethan stood up, the water bubbling
just above his knees, and his half limp/half hard pee-pee sticking out
for all of us to admire. "Hi Dr. Jon!", "Stevie brought me here!" he said
proudly. "I heard what you tried to do, honey", he said as he walked over
to Ethan, grabbing the boy's wrists to see if it was true. Jon pulled
the boy's wet head to his chest and hugged him, saying "Please, don't
ever try doing that again!. We all love you too much, understand?"
 "As long as I can stay with Stevie forever, I promise." Ethan responded.
I gave him a look to let him know that I should handle it from here.
 "What are you waiting for?", I said. "Hop in and join us". The good
doctor removed his shirt and shorts and slowly climbed in. He gave wet
kisses to each of his boys and sat opposite me. Justin quickly filled dad
in on the days activities so far but Jon only half listened. Dr. Jon and
Ethan were now in each others arms, having a serious talk. I could see
that Jon was beginning to hump Ethan under the water. I started feeling a
little jealous, but then I could see in Ethan's face how much he loved and
trusted Dr. Jon, so I decided that I would not deny him of any love. So
Jamie, Justin and I horsed around some more by ourselves. When the other
two started talking to us again, I figured that they had shared enough
time together. I told Ethan with a wink to take the boys inside to play
for a while so that Dr. Jon and I could talk. Jon and I watched the six
pale little buns run off into the house.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 10) by Gipetto

                            "The New Deal"

 "How on Earth do you know Ethan?" Jon asked me right away.
 "Well, I guess I kinda scooped him, ya know?" I answered. The look on
Jon's face told me that he wanted more details than that. "Ok, I have to
be honest with you Jon, I owe you that much", I said.
 I told him the whole story. How I read through his patient files, how I
really met Ethan, and about how much we wanted to be together. He didn't
seem totally convinced. I went on to tell him about how I'd seen the
videotape of him and the boys, and that we had made love that day. But
the one thing that we both agreed on completely was that we both could
not live with ourselves if we didn't prevent Ethan from trying to kill
himself again. The doctor agreed with my analysis that Ethan could not
survive one more foster home. He needed someone to make a lifelong
commitment to him, as well as he needed to be able to make a commitment
of his own, for the first time in his life.
 I told the Doc that I needed him to do whatever was necessary for me
to be able to adopt Ethan. He told me that he knew some people but was
not sure how much he could do.
 We spent the rest of the afternoon playing with the boys. Some football
out on the front lawn, some horseplay around the pool, and we finished
the day with a cookout. I thought about how wonderful it would be if
Ethan could ever be my own son. Dr. Jon's family would surely be our
closest friends. I felt it would be important for Ethan not to loose the
bond he shared with Jon and Jamie, and I would surely like to watch
Justin grow up as well as spend more time with Jamie, who really
excited me because he was the youngest boy I knew who had wet orgasms.
 As Ethan and I left(I hated having to get him home by 6), Dr. Jon gave
me an envelope. He told me to fill out the forms and return them to him.
He would do everything he could to get them approved, but it would take
several weeks. I reminded him that the life of our young friend might
depend on it.
 The next 4 weeks were hell. Ethan didn't know anything was going on,
which was good because the last thing I wanted to do was let him down.
We would talk on the phone for hours some days. He seemed dissapointed
that I wasn't seeing him, but I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize
any investigations that might be going on by the State adoption agency.
 It was a Thursday afternoon when I received the call from Jon at work.
I had to fight myself to keep from jumping up and down when he yelled in
my ear, "You're approved!". "They interviewed me, and I was able to get
you approved". "I'm gonna call that bitch foster mom of his right now and
tell her to have Ethan's things ready by Sunday".
 "Wait a minute", I said "tell her that his new dad will be picking him
up for an overnight on Saturday morning". I continued, "Tell her that
we'll pick up the rest of his stuff on Sunday and make sure that she
doesn't tell him anything about the adoption. I want to tell him".
 "Ethan was really excited on the phone as I told him that I had arranged
to take him for an overnight stay. He told me that he was going to wear
his yellow shorts that I loved so much, and NO underwear. It was so cool
knowing that he was just as turned on as I was by the thought of our
spending a weekend together. After I hung up the phone, I remembered
that Sunday was July 17th, Ethan's 10th birthday. I remembered him telling
me how much it hurt him having birthday parties in State homes, where they
forced the other kids to attend. Twice his birthday fell while he was in a
foster home, and they didn't even give him a party, or even a gift, just
a lousy 'happy birthday, kid'. Well, not this year. Ethan's 10th birthday
would be one he'd never, ever forget.


UNLOVABLE (Chapter 11) by Gipetto

                           "Our Time In Eden"

 I didn't have to beep my horn at all. As soon as I pulled in front of
Ethan's foster home, he came charging out of the house with an overnight
bag in one hand. He had worn the yellow shorts that I always thought made
him look even cuter, no shirt, and he had a new haircut that I loved. He
had his long brown hair cut short on the sides, but he had left a thin
little pony tail on the back. It was a typical hot, humid July day. As we
drove away towards the first surprise I had for my young lover, Ethan
flashed me an evil grin, then stretched open the leg hole of his shorts to
show me his limp dick and little ballbag, to assure me that he hadn't worn
any underwear as he had promised. The little flasher finally looked into
the back seat to eye the fishing poles.
 "We gonna go fishing?" he said with a grand smile. "Surprise!", I said.
I was never very big on fishing, but I knew that Ethan loved it. We found
the secluded part of the river that a friend at work recommended. I was
so glad that I decided to do this. What a wonderful way to spend a hot,
sunny summer afternoon, alone in the woods with a beautiful young boy
who loved me. We spent the afternoon quietly sharing our deepest secrets
with each other. It was so cool how much we trusted each other. We almost
made love right there when Ethan went over to the bushes to take a piss.
 At first he pulled his shorts down just below his ballbag as he began to
give a bush a golden shower, but as he saw me staring at him, he pulled
the shorts down completely and stepped out of them. What a sight! The boy
looked so beautiful and natural, completely naked, except for his
sneakers, as the sun made the baby fur hairs on his golden body glisten.
I wanted to be the bush. As I thought about rolling through the bushes
with him, Ethan had to quickly put the shorts back on as we could hear
some voices coming through the woods. It was a couple of old farts who
would invade our private 'Eden' to do a little fishing of their own.
 As we packed up to leave, I realized that it was good that the old
dudes interrupted us anyway. I had waited all week for tonight, a few
more hours wouldn't kill me.
 Ethan thanked me for the special fishing day, and as we went into my
house, he had his arm around my waist as if he already knew that we would
be together always.


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