Date: Mon, 25 May 2009 21:39:22 -0400
From: Jonathan Matthews <jonafunu@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Untellable Truth about Jake (Chapters 31-33)

Message / Disclaimer: I would like to begin this by thanking my proofing
team for their first project. With a 48 hour turn around from writing to
proofing to release, I think that's pretty darn good. I won't reveal their
names to respect their privacy but they are very much appreciated just the
same. I also want to thank each of you for your comments. I really can't
tell you how much they mean to me and they make it incredibly easy to write
this story. Please keep them coming!

If you are under eighteen, live in an area that deems this material illegal
or you find the genre of man-boy love to be offensive, then please do not
read the story! Otherwise, enjoy it!

Jonafunu@hotmail.com

************************

Chapter Thirty One

	I watched Colby awaken the next morning with partially squinted
eyes; partly because I wanted to check on him and also because I had a lot
on my mind. The events of the previous evening had been amazing to say the
least, but with those being in the past, my thoughts had returned to
Marco. I tried my best to angle my head towards the clock, finding myself
caught between my need to appear asleep and my desire to see the time. From
the light, or rather the lack thereof, I was fairly confident it was still
early.

	Colby would glance at me occasionally, the look of exhaustion still
heavy on his face. We had both stayed up fairly late, but from all other
perspectives he seemed fine. As he left the room and I managed to catch a
glimpse of the clock, I saw that it was only 6:10. I groaned to myself,
turned over and mashed my pillow over my face.

	I began to drift slightly, the faces of Colby and Marco gently
merging within my mind. How could I reconcile the two exactly? Was there a
way to do it? Did Marco mean anything at all? Perhaps it was all
misconstrued advances and remarkably poorly chosen words. At noon today, I
would have a clearer view of what the reality was.

	I began to feel that a few more hours of sleep would be possible,
when a dressed and clean Colby jumped onto the bed next to me, jarring my
eyes wide open from the unexpected shock.

	"If I have to be up you do too!" he exclaimed, wide awake and
prepared for the new day.

	I groaned, turning my back towards him. "Do I really have to?"

	Colby snickered a little. "Who else is going to walk me to the bus
stop?"

	"Point taken," I grumbled, managing to sit up and stare at
Colby. His face was one of typical delight. His eyes seemed just as
childish as they had the previous day. Maybe I had blown the whole
experience out of proportion? Maybe there was nothing to worry about? He
seemed happy enough.

	"So do you... feel okay?" I asked in intense curiosity.

	"Oh, me? Yeah I'm great! I'm kinda tired though." Colby
giggled. His reply seemed genuine enough.

	"Are you sure? Would you tell me if you weren't?"

	Colby rolled his eyes, something I had never actually seen before.

	"Yes I would." He wrapped his tiny hand within my own, to which I
returned the gesture with a squeeze.

	"Guess it's time to go downstairs huh?"

	Colby nodded and hopped off the bed, walking out into the hallway
ahead of me.

	I pulled a pair of jeans on and a t-shirt over my head, caring less
about the state of my stubble or my hair. As soon as I descended the
stairs, I saw Stephanie and Colby in their typical morning squabbles over
breakfast.

	For the first time, in a very long time, I examined them from an
outside perspective. I always felt an integral part of the household, even
before I made the commitment to live here, and took each word, each
conversation and each experience as being part of my own. At this
particular moment, I felt like a stranger. I knew that my feeling this way
was directly related to my thoughts about Marco. It was a path I could
choose, but a path that could possibly shatter the precious relationship I
shared with these two, especially Colby.

	Stephanie looked up to smile at me, "Want some pancakes?"

	I shook my head. "Not all that hungry really... Just got up to walk
him to the bus stop."

	Stephanie nodded, "Alright, I'll just get you some coffee then."

	I slid into the bench style dining table across from Colby,
watching the pancake with mild curiosity as it disappeared into his mouth
with profound speed.

	"You okay?" Colby asked, swallowing a bite and looking at my vague
expression.

	"Me? Yeah I'm good. I just have a lot on my mind."

	Stephanie giggled as she approached, placing the full coffee cup in
front of me as I took a large sip in gratitude.

	"Oh yeah, Marco is a whole lot huh?"

	Colby's eyes seemed to lose their gleam of inspiration and joy as
they shot towards the window. I tried to cautiously observe them without
ignoring Stephanie entirely.

	"Well he's far from being everything on my mind."

	"Why are you thinking about Marco?" Colby asked, his eyes still
staring out the window.

	Stephanie grabbed his plate and returned to the sink to wash it. I
was thankful that she appeared not to notice his mood.

	"Oh, no reason really. We're working together today and I just
wanted to thank him for helping me get the new car," I lied.

	I took another sip of my coffee, this one a little too fast. I felt
the back of my throat burn a little.

	"Oh okay." Colby grinned, his previous expression returning. Was he
really capable of feeling jealousy at this age?

	Well, naturally he was, jealousy was a part of anyone regardless of
their age, perhaps even more intensely as a child. I wasn't exactly sure
whether Colby parsed my being in his life as just a friend, a boyfriend (in
an adult sense) or a playmate. What would he have to fear from Marco?
Perhaps competition, perhaps something more. The adult mind would wonder
about possibilities of infidelity, but I was fairly certain his wouldn't
follow the same path.

	I'm sure he saw as a potential threat anyone who took attention
away that could be focused on him instead. Every time I went to work he
would become sad. It was to be expected. Most children developed deep
emotional attachments. To what extent Colby was attached to me I couldn't
be sure, but I knew it was something I'd be forced to learn over the coming
weeks.

	"About ready to go?" I asked Colby, after he managed to finish his
glass of orange juice.

	"Yep!" he giggled, sliding towards the end of his bench and leaving
the kitchen long enough to retrieve his messenger bag.

	My eyes flew to Stephanie, who was happily drying a few plates. She
seemed completely immersed in her work, and the previous topic of
conversation hadn't affected her at all. Did she notice Colby's shift in
mood? The potential jealousy? Did she care?

	I knew that she allowed, or rather, tolerated, what was between her
son and me. Was it simply that she just tolerated it? Was it her preference
that I leave him? She had made it fairly clear that she felt Colby would
outgrow me, that staying with him with any hopes for a long term solution
was selling myself short. Maybe the central point of that message, it's
most profound truth, was that she wanted me to leave him be? Did she
mention Marco to provoke an emotional reaction? I couldn't believe that she
would.

	As Colby returned with his messenger back and I stood, nearly
inhaling the remnants of my first cup, I ruffled his hair and followed him
towards the door.

	"Bye Mom! I love you!" Colby called after Stephanie, to which she
replied much the same.

	As soon as we were down the sidewalk a bit and I expected a slew of
observations, they never came. Colby seemed happy, as he did on most
mornings, but not a single question, not a single bit of curiosity about
what was going on with Marco. I felt myself appreciative of his child's
mind at that point; even if it made me feel all the worse that I felt I was
taking advantage of it.

	As we rose above the hill that existed nearly halfway between our
home and the bus stop, the other children came into view and Colby jogged
along to join them. This same experience had left me feeling dejected and
unappreciated before. The fact of the matter was that Colby was a child. He
didn't think of emotional relationships the same way adults did, he didn't
ponder infidelity, he didn't distrust without a reason. Surely he felt
jealousy when warranted, but only because he wanted attention focused on
himself.

	The only thing he had ever asked of me, his one solitary request,
was that I pay attention to him. Would I always be able to? Would he always
require it? Was that requirement all that much different than what an adult
wanted?

	As the bus approached and the children collected their things,
Colby ran up to me, wrapping his arms tightly around my mid-section.

	"I love you!" he expressed, his toothy expression shining brightly
up at me.

	"I love you too," I replied, managing a smile as I left the world
of my thoughts and returned to reality.

	Colby ran off, towards the other kids and onto the bus. I stayed
long enough to wave at him through the window as the bus disappeared down
the street. Turning towards the hill, I began my procession back towards
the house.

Chapter Thirty Two

	The remainder of the morning was uneventful. I watched each of
Stephanie's moves and expressions for some clear sign of her intention, but
nothing came of them. I drank a couple of cups of coffee with her before
she had to get ready for her day job. I wouldn't be home until around five,
leaving Colby alone for only the shortest of times. It wasn't something
that I wanted to do, but it was a necessity since the three of us were all
we had.

	The next day would bring the arrival of Susan, and as much as I had
expected a phone call, none had ever come. I felt it would probably be a
good idea to call her. As the sound of the rushing water came from the
bathroom above, I retrieved the phone and set about dialing her.

	"Hello?" I heard Susan's voice echo through the distant sound of
some obscure rock music.

	"Hey it's Jake! What's up?" I asked, trying to improve my mood a
little.

	"Oh, hey Jake! Not much. Are you ready for tomorrow?"

	I nodded, "Yep we're all ready for you. I can't wait to see you
again!" I smiled.  I truly felt appreciative for her arrival. I couldn't
exactly tell her about the experiences I shared with Colby, but surely she
could provide some sort of direction concerning Marco.

	"Sounds great!" she said. "Well I need to get off here, I'm
listening to some music with a friend. I'll call you tonight alright?"

	"Okay sounds cool. Take it easy."

	With that I turned the phone off, staring at the empty cup within
my grip. I rose, walking to the sink to wash it and put it in the dish
drainer along with the other artifacts of the morning's activities.

	As soon as Stephanie left for the day, I went upstairs to shower
and change, leaving with enough time to go by my house and locate my
uniform for work. It would be strange, returning to the nearly barren
apartment after having become accustomed to constant social interaction.

	I unlocked the front door, walked in, and stared at the collective
of boxes lining the walls. Stephanie had apparently completed a bit more
while I was gone with Marco yesterday. The carpet was pristine, the molding
around the doors and windows completely clean, and I was certain that if a
deposit had been paid, it would be returned. The condition of the house
upon move in aside, it was definitely an improvement.

	I climbed the stairs towards my room, looking through the sparse
remnants of my closet, and grabbed an old uniform from the very back. I
wasn't exactly sure where my newest uniform was, probably already packed,
but this would do all the same. I changed into it, checking my mirror just
briefly enough to confirm that I looked alright, and went back to my SUV
with butterflies flying violently within me.

	It was strange having the perceived ability to count each
revolution of your tires. Everything seemed to run in slow motion, and any
experience that occurred that day would be one I wouldn't soon
forget. There was so much riding on it. I stared at a few pedestrians
making their way down the road, each of them blissfully unaware of anyone
else's problems. I felt jealous. Why couldn't my life be so simple?

	As I turned into the parking lot, glimpsing Marco's little Honda, I
knew my moment had come. Today would be the day that my greatest question
would be answered. Lots of eighty's pop song titles came to mind, but none
that were worth mentioning.

	I stepped out of the tank, tried to wipe away a few wrinkles in my
shirt, and my eyes darted towards the inside. Marco was nowhere to be seen,
but that meant little. The fact that no employees were to be seen was
comforting. At least we would be alone to talk privately.

	As the door swung open I watched Marco appear from behind the
counter, a genuine smile stretched across his perfect face.

	"Hey Jake! What's up?" he asked, his face covered in barely
achieved stubble and his olive complexion seeming all the more attractive
to me at that moment. I blushed a little.

	"Not much..." My words trailed off as I suddenly became less sure
of myself. Why it came as a surprise I didn't know. I climbed behind the
counter, affixing a hat to my head, and saw Marco was sitting on the
floor. He had a slew of pamphlets from Brown spread across the cheap
linoleum.

	"Did you get in?" I asked suddenly, the experience from before had
almost completely slipped my mind.

	"I did. I start in the spring actually." Marco gleamed with
pride. He seemed fairly delighted with himself.

	I nodded, as we both sat down. Marco showed me a few pictures of
the campus, words from famous graduates and an outline of the various
courses they offered.

	"I'm majoring in Political Science," Marco remarked, his fingers
seeming to massage the page as he looked at the example class schedule.

	Politics had always been something that interested me, although I
saw myself as doing something very different for a living.

	"So what would you do?" Marco asked, glancing at me with his green
eyes full of interest.

	I blushed again, rubbing the back of my head for good measure. "Not
really sure, probably English..."

	Marco laughed, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I felt my body
tense. His touch was remarkably familiar.

	"I think you'd be great. I've read some of the papers you've
written in English before and they're always very well worded."

	I nodded. It was true, I did love writing. I also loved reading, it
was something that had always been a passion of mine. As with any integral
part of my being, I hate change, but I had decided that I would seriously
consider going to college. I hadn't spent any remarkable amount of time
trying to figure out what major I'd pursue, but English somehow appealed to
me at that moment.

	"Why don't you apply for Brown?" Marco asked, his arm still tightly
around me.

	"Yeah me go to Brown? They'd laugh their asses off." I laughed,
rather nervously.

	"If I can get you that car then SURELY I can get you into
Brown. Why don't you apply?"

	I felt myself tensing again. Progress took time, especially with
me, but I was appreciative that he was trying to help.

	"Thanks, I appreciate the offer. Maybe I will." I decided on
something positive but nothing definitive. I had to keep my options as open
as possible.

	"Cool," Marco remarked.

	"So, I've been meaning to ask you something..." I sputtered out. I
didn't want to break the good mood but his arm around me was making me
incredibly nervous.

	"Sure, what about?" Marco asked, his green eyes surveying mine with
intense curiosity.

	"Well yesterday at the lot you, umm, well..." My words faded as
soon as they had arrived. I felt my cheeks burn a fiery crimson, and my own
gaze fell to the floor.

	"Kissed you?" Marco asked.

	My eyes shot immediately back to his although the state of my
cheeks remained the same.

	"Yeah," I said simply.

	"Well, did you like it?" he asked, a look of mischievous glee on
his face.

	"It wasn't bad," I said truthfully, nearly crying for all the
emotions that were running through me. I wanted so badly for him to tell me
it meant nothing, that he was just that kind of person. I didn't want to
have to make a choice, I didn't want to have to think of Marco that way. I
knew very well what was coming. I knew that my path in life would be
forever altered by this man. Had this moment came five weeks before the
decision would have been simple. Now, I wasn't sure what to do.

	"That's good to hear," he said, closing his eyes and quickly coming
towards me. I felt the blood rushing to my face, the red contrasting deeply
with his own brown skin. As his lips touched mine, I felt a rush of
eroticism, a moment of absolute bliss. His lips were so soft against my
own, and I could barely contain the way I felt.

	As soon as his tongue pushed into my mouth, I felt the emotions
burst forward. I mingled my tongue with his, pushing against every reason I
shouldn't be doing this. My arms wrapped around his neck and I pulled him
towards me. It wasn't until he began to back away that I noticed that I had
been crying. A few of my tears standing on Marco's cheeks.

	"Are you O.K.?" he asked, a genuine look of concern on his face.

	"I don't know how to answer that," I said simply, my hands rising
to wipe them away before he caught my wrists, looking into my eyes. I felt
intoxicated, drawn in by his gaze.

	"Let me." He spoke with a smoky voice, retrieving an errant
handkerchief from his pocket and gently dabbing at the tears that sat
frozen on my face.

	I watched, frozen in place, his hands were perfectly formed and the
gentle nature with which he performed each action seemed so genuine. What a
wreck I was, how imperfect I was. How could he feel anything for me at all?
What if he knew the twisted inner workings of my mind? How could he feel
anything for me but revulsion? I didn't deserve it.

	"I know you're scared of a lot of things, but you don't have to be
afraid of me. I can be patient." Marco spoke gently, placing the
handkerchief back into his pocket and placing his hand on my shoulder.

	Of course it wasn't completely true what he said. He'd be going to
Brown in the spring and if I wasn't able to make a decision by then, he
wouldn't wait for me. He had grown up, as all my friends had. It wasn't
that I blamed him. That was what we were supposed to do.

	"Thanks...," I nearly whispered. Looking at his hand as it sat on
my shoulder.

	The front door swung open as a random traveler walked in. I sighed
deeply, grateful for the interruption. As we rose to help, I kept my eyes
unwaveringly on Marco's form. He was completely back to normal and handled
the customer with the same calm demeanor he always exuded. I couldn't
understand for the life of me how he changed so quickly. Surely he hadn't
been upset, but he saw the state I was in.

	Marco had dropped the subject, and apart from a few errant touches,
the remainder of the shift was a quiet one. We talked about anime, about
art. We talked about the music we both enjoyed and shared more than our
share of laughs. It was nice and a little bit comforting. By the time five
arrived and it was time for me to leave, I felt an intense need to stay. I
knew that I had to return home and see Colby. Colby...

Chapter Thirty Three

	The thought of retrieving my computer had crossed my mind, but I
felt it best to go straight home. Colby had been waiting for a little while
and would doubtlessly be worried if I didn't come straight there. I felt
nothing but guilt once more, guilt for having left him, guilt for having
kissed Marco and guilt for having thought about anyone other than
himself. I knew that I had to pull myself together and I had to do it
quickly.

	I suddenly envied Marco more than I ever had. He had this
incredible ability to change his mood at will. I wasn't sure whether that
was even normal, but I had never had a particularly strong amount of
control over my emotions. I envied it, I wanted it and at this particular
moment, it would have been a wonderful gift.

	As I pulled into the driveway and stared at the windows surrounding
the house, my stomach was filled with as many butterflies as it had been
that morning. I knew there was no way that Colby would know what
happened. I was just hopeful that he wouldn't notice my mood.

	I entertained the idea of running away, of going off to join the
French Foreign Legion or something like it, but I knew that it was of no
use. I had to face the situation at hand. What was done had been done and I
had to deal with it whether I wanted to or not.

	I turned off the ignition, stepped out and shut the door behind
me. I walked onto the porch with as much trepidation as I ever had, and
knocked softly to signify that I had arrived.

	"Jake!" Colby yelled as he swung the door open as happy to see me
as he always had been.

	"Colby!" I said, trying to feign delight as much as was humanly
possible. Seeing him always made me happy, but on this particular occasion
my delight was far from present. I had cheated on him, in truth, and I felt
horrible about it. Despite the condition of what our relationship was,
despite his age, despite the fact that he may very well "grow" out of it, I
had cheated, plain and simple.

	I followed Colby inside, listening to the sound of the television
as I flopped down and Colby climbed into my lap. I smiled a little, resting
my chin on his head and wrapped my arms around his torso. I had to show him
as much love as I could, and I had to protect him from the knowledge of
what had happened.

	"Did you have a good day at school?"

	He nodded, completely transfixed by the television. I was grateful,
it provided a much needed break from the topic at hand. I stared at the
phone on the table, curious as to whether Stephanie had called, or Marco
for that matter.

	"Anyone called?" I asked.

	Colby simply shook his head, signifying a no. I accepted that he
wouldn't talk to me. Television was very much like the pocket watch of a
hypnotist to him, it drew him in and there was very little that could
separate him from it. My fingers mindlessly rubbed his stomach beneath his
shirt. No reaction, as expected.

	I waited for something, anything. I wanted a momentary distraction
from my thoughts but it never came. Colby just sitting there, watching
television and being completely silent did little to accomplish that. I was
partially grateful that he was quiet, at least I wouldn't be attacked with
a barrage of questions about my mood, but maybe that was what I
needed. Maybe I required the conflict.

	I toyed with the idea of pushing him off, of making an early night
of it, but before I could the phone had rung and Colby quickly apprehended
it from the table.

	"Hi Mom," He spoke, smiling.

	"Yeah I'll tell him. Bye!" Colby replied after hearing his Mother's
reply.

	"Mom's picking up dinner, she said she'd be here soon," Colby said,
smiling at me slightly.

	I nodded in return as his gaze returned to the television and his
hypnosis returned. 'So much for going to bed.' I thought to myself. Not
even twenty minutes had passed when the front door swung open and the
sounds of Stephanie's footsteps and her bags in tow invaded the space.

	Colby jumped off my lap, rushing towards her with greetings and a
need for food. I sighed deeply, glad that he had left his trance, and
pleased with the distraction.

	"Hey Jake come help!" Stephanie called out from the entryway.

	I complied, rose from the sofa and walked to meet her by the front
door. She had a collection of different bags from the Italian restaurant,
her purse and another plain white bag. I took the food, to alleviate the
majority of her load, and deposited it on the dining room table.

	"I'll get the plates!" Colby yelled, rushing past me and towards
the cabinets to retrieve them.

	I looked at Stephanie's exhausted face and wondered at how she did
it all. It wasn't the first time I was amazed by her, but the fact she
maintained an enthusiastic attitude through it all was a bit exhausting.

	"How was work?" I asked, smiling a little.

	"Oh it was good! Busy night, loads of tips." She winked at me.

	Colby arrived with the plates and cutlery, deposited them next to
the food and slid into the bench seat farthest away from where I was
standing.

	"Let's eat!" he giggled.

	Stephanie groaned, "Hold your horses I need to get out of these
clothes."

	She disappeared into the entryway and up the stairs, the remainder
of her possessions in tow. I watched silently as she disappeared, deciding
to take a seat at the table and prepare the food.

	I emptied the various bags, opening different pastas, salads and
breads (leftovers from the night) and arranged the plates so that everyone
had one. Colby was hopping up and down with anticipation, obviously hungry.

	"Why didn't you tell me you were hungry?" I asked.

	"Huh? I was watching television, I don't know." He giggled again,
blushing a little.

	I smiled back. Stephanie descended the stairs and slid in next to
her son, eying the food gratefully and looking a tad more relaxed than she
had previously.

	"Alright let's dig in!"

	We all loaded our plates with the various offerings. If I wasn't
hungry before, I was now. By the time I managed to push the first fork full
into my mouth I couldn't help but smile. Italian was definitely a comfort
food, and comforting was exactly what I needed. I glanced at Colby, who was
ravenously devouring his own. Stephanie took a small bite before looking at
me with curiosity.

	"How did things go with Marco today?"

	I felt my cheeks flush violently, this wasn't exactly the topic of
conversation that I wanted to take part in. I glanced at Colby, who was
completely hypnotized by the food.

	"They went, well... I guess," I said, trying to be as non-descript
as possible.

	"Oh come on tell me the details! Did he kiss you?"

	Colby managed to come out of his trance at that point. I watched as
his eyes locked with mine temporarily before flying towards the darkening
window. I felt my stomach fall, and the intense feeling of remorse and
anxiety from earlier returned to me all too quickly.

	"Can we talk about it later?" I asked, straining my voice to try
and portray how much I didn't want to discuss it.

	"Oh come on we talk about everything!" She giggled, completely
oblivious as to how her son was feeling.

	"I think I'm going to go to bed," Colby remarked, with a monotone
that sank into me like a million knives.

	"That's all you're gonna eat?" Stephanie asked with surprise,
gazing at his only half finished plate.

	"Yep" Colby replied with the same tone from before. Stephanie
stood, allowing him out and he walked towards the stairs without even the
slightest glance towards me. I began to feel tears well in my eyes.

	Stephanie sat and stared at me, "What's wrong?"

	I just shook my head. How the hell wasn't she aware of what she had
done? Every ounce of me hated her; every bit of me wanted her to just
leave. She didn't know how much this relationship meant to Colby, and
apparently from his reaction it meant a whole lot more than I thought it
had.

	"Oh it's not like you two have had sex or anything." She laughed.

	I said nothing, still staring silently at the table.

	"Have you?" she asked, her tone becoming slightly nervous.

	"I think I need to go for a drive."

	She nodded, staring at me with an unreadable expression. I slid
out, my own plate's level of completion matching Colby's, and slipped
through the door without another word.