Date: Sun, 28 Dec 2008 23:20:52 -0500
From: Jonathan Matthews <jonafunu@hotmail.com>
Subject: The Untellable Truth about Jake (Chapters 5-7)
*****DISCLAIMER*****
As always don't read it if you aren't supposed to or you aren't a fan of
such things. I wanted to thank everyone for their positive feedback so far
and I sincerely hope that it keeps coming! These few chapters are mainly
focused on developing Jack as a character more so bare with me it will get
even better soon. Please keep those emails coming, you are the fodder of my
inspiration!
*********************
Chapter 5
I must say that I was grateful for the fact that Stephanie
showed no concern to those comments, and equally as grateful that Colby
actually managed to stay up until 12:30. Just as the movie had reached its
climax I noticed that he had curled into a ball next to me, fast asleep. I
smiled a little, glancing over at Stephanie who smirked.
"Well he lasted longer than I thought he would."
I quietly laughed and stood, scooping Colby into my arms
and carrying him up to his bedroom. Colby had always been a heavy sleeper
and I was always charged with the task of taking him to his bed whenever he
fell asleep during one of my visits. Stephanie had found it increasingly
difficult to carry him, but to me he was still the perfect size. As I slid
him beneath his covers and made sure that his blankets were wrapped tightly
around him, I bent over and paused for a moment just admiring his face.
Colby was a bundle of energy, there wasn't anything in his
life that he pursued without passion and determination. His face was always
full of expression and I felt very strongly that he'd never meet success
playing poker. I gently ran my fingers through his bangs, pushing them out
of his eyes as I gently kissed his forehead, "Good night my prince." I
gently whispered to the sleeping cherub below me.
As I stood straight up and glanced at the door, bathing the
room in the dim light from the hallway, Stephanie was already standing
there with her coat secured next to her body. I smiled and whispered to
her, "Coming."
--
The street lights outside were fighting against the light
haze caused by the impenetrable wet atmosphere of winter, and the sound of
our footsteps against the pavement echoed into the dead of night. It had
been our tradition for sometime to go for a late night stroll when ever I
chose to spend the night. I had completely forgotten to bring a coat so I
had a fleece throw wrapped tightly around me although I couldn't help but
shiver against the cool breezes that penetrated it with the greatest of
ease.
"I'm very glad you're moving in with us." Stephanie
suddenly broke the silence with an unusually quiet and contemplative tone.
"Well you know me, I'm a people pleaser." I laughed a
little.
"I really feel like I pressured you into it..." Stephanie
stopped suddenly and turned to look me directly in the face. "I only want
you to move in if you truly want to; I don't want to pressure you into
something you'll regret."
I smiled gently in return and placed my hands on both of
her shoulders, "No one has ever pressured me to do anything I didn't want
to. I'm happy to do it, just wasn't really in the mood for moving at the
moment."
"You know I'll help all I can."
"Nah, I think I'm good, got to give these guns a workout
some time don't I?" We both laughed heartily, I was hardly a weight lifter
and usually had to ask for help just to move the full carafes at work.
"Just whatever you do, don't disappoint Colby he's been
through enough. If you ever want to move, or hang out somewhere else, just
be upfront with him and let him know."
We began walking again, turning the block to make our usual
circle. "You know that I love Colby dearly I'd never do that to him."
Stephanie sighed a little, "You know it's too bad you're
straight."
I laughed; it was something that I'd heard a million times
before for various reasons, but never from Stephanie before. "Are you
saying I'd make a good father?"
She nodded, "I think so, I would have been happy to have
had you as one."
As we kept walking I couldn't help but think about all of
the awkward moments I'd found myself in with Colby. I remembered the first
time he kissed me on the cheek, the first time I had returned it. I
remembered the first time he sat in my lap and the first time that I
playfully slapped his bottom. Every one of them was an intentional
expression of my adoration, none of them were meant in a sexual
way. None-the-less I found each action with him; each touch, each kiss,
each hug... they all just caused me to become increasingly paranoid. All of
these simple tasks that someone unlike me could do and never think twice
about always caused me great worry.
The whole world knew me as gay and it was true, I did
indeed enjoy the company of men. I remembered being a kid in school where
hugging a male was forbidden and the idea of hanging out with a girl was
ludicrous. I spent so many years trying to hide those feelings and it took
me opening myself to the world to finally feel no shame about hugging or
kissing a man. The only thing about loving a boy is that you're never
provided with that opportunity, so I knew well that those same feelings of
paranoia and trepidation would always remain.
It seemed unfair to me in so many ways that my being with
Colby would never be a reality. I genuinely loved him and wanted for
nothing but his happiness. I realize that there are a lot of men in this
world with nothing but ill will, who pursue relationships with children to
establish dominance or to perpetuate the pain they felt as a child, but I
am quite different. I was never molested; I was raised in a fairly decent
home. I had no desire to cut Colby up into tiny pieces or parade him around
to other pedophiles that would defile him and never appreciate him. All
that I wanted was to be able to hold him in my arms and kiss him, without
fear of being persecuted or thrown beneath a prison for my misdeeds. Was I
truly a monster because all I wanted was to love?
I wrapped my arm tightly around Stephanie's shoulder and
held her close, the fact that she accepted the friendship that I had with
her son was both appreciated and welcome, I just knew that it was the
closest I'd ever come to true happiness. "Thank you."
"For what?" She asked, leaning her head against me as we
walked.
"Just for being you and being such a great friend."
She smiled and wrapped her arm around my waist "You aren't
getting the master bedroom."
I laughed a little as we rounded the corner and returned to
the front of the house.
"I hope you know I'm not just buttering you up, I just
really feel like you guys are a family to me. Susan was always my best
friend and she was great to hang out with, but it was never like this you
know?"
Stephanie nodded a little as she slid the key into the lock
and unbolted it, sliding the door open.
"Well you feel like family yourself; there isn't a day that
goes by that I don't worry about you."
I smiled and followed her inside, it was already 1:30 and I
could feel my eye lids getting heavy from the excitement and emotional toll
the day had placed on me. "Well I guess I'm going to go up and tuck myself
in next to Colby, I'm really tired."
Stephanie nodded, hugging me one last time upon removing
her coat and placing it in the coat closet by the entrance, "Just try not
to wake him up, you know he'll never go back to sleep if you do."
I laughed a little, "We both know that's not going to
happen."
We both said our goodnights as I ascended the stairs, my
pajamas in toe. I quietly entered the bathroom to change and snuck back
into Colby's bedroom closing the door behind me. A dimly lit nightlight in
the corner provided me with sufficient light to get to the other side of
the room without killing myself. I slid down the covers and crawled in,
lying on my back as I always did.
Colby rolled over, laying his arm over my chest. "Good
night Jake..." He said groggily, nuzzling his face into my side.
"Good night Colby." I whispered silently in return, as I
closed my eyes tight and drifted away into the darkness.
Chapter Six
"WAKE UP!" Colby's voice echoed throughout the room as my
eyes flew wide open in shock and surprise.
"What time is it!?" I exclaimed, not exactly used to being
awaken in this fashion.
"It's nine already!" He giggled and jumped onto the bed
next to me, placing his nose against mine and staring into my doubtlessly
blood shot eyes.
"Ungh... you really need to practice your waking up skills
more I'm an old man you know..."
Colby giggled, "You aren't old, now get up! Mom's making
pancakes!"
I nodded and sat up on the edge of the bed, the image of
Colby disappearing down the hall filling my still clouded vision. I needed
coffee and I needed it badly, I stumbled from the bed and managed to
descend the stairs to the dining room below. The sweet smell of coffee
filled my nose and the smell of nicotine seemed to fill any space that it
already hadn't.
"Morning..." I grumbled to Stephanie as she handed me a
prepared cup.
"I figured you might need this."
I nodded in thanks and took a sip, she truly knew me well
the coffee was perfect. As I felt my eyes begin to open a little a plate
of pancakes and bacon was deposited in front of me on the table, "Eat up!"
"Thanks..." I murmured in appreciation as Colby slid onto
the bench next to me, starting work on depositing a ridiculous amount of
syrup onto the contents of his own plate. "Do you really need that much?"
He nodded and giggled, "Yep!"
I couldn't help but laugh, Colby loved anything sweet and
syrup was no exception. Once he had finished depositing half the bottle
onto his own pancakes I managed to save it and pour a little onto my own. I
cut in and took a bite, glancing over at Colby who was tearing through his
like a hungry animal.
"Now you know better than to eat like that!" Stephanie
scolded causing Colby to stop mid bite, syrup caked on his mouth causing
him to look even younger than he already was.
"Wha?" He spoke with a half full mouth. Stephanie and I
both laughed as we ate our pancakes in a civilized manner. Upon finishing
his plate, Colby immediately jumped up prepared to run into the living
room.
"Now just you wait a minute, you know better than to leave
the plate on the table like that." Stephanie scolded.
Colby groaned "Yes mam..." He grabbed the plate from the
table and placed it in the sink opposite him. He walked out and entered
into the living room, the familiar sounds of cartoons invading the once
quiet atmosphere.
"Do you have to work today?" Stephanie queried.
"I think so... Five o'clock if I remember right." I
replied, genuinely not caring at this point.
"Well Rob is working today; you can always call and ask."
Stephanie mused, laughing a little to herself with a trying so hard to be
serious expression in her eyes.
I rolled my eyes in response, "Then I'd miss him calling at
four and telling me I'm late, I do so adore our conversations together."
We both laughed as I managed to apprehend a few particles
of pancake from their syrup tomb and pop them into my mouth "Breakfast was
great, thanks." Stephanie smiled as I grabbed the plates and washed up the
remaining dishes for her.
As soon as I finished, wiping my hands on a towel, Colby
ran into the room with an excited look on his face, "Are you gonna spend
the night again tonight?" I laughed a little and patted his shoulder.
"Sorry kid I have to work tonight, I really need to get
going soon so I can take care of a few things."
Colby's expression quickly turned to one of disappointment
as he looked up to me.
"Now don't make that face at me you know as much as I'd
love to be with you constantly I can't do that, plus you get to spend all
next week with me and I'll be moving in soon as well."
Colby cheered up a little at the reminder, he seemed more
than satisfied to know that we'd be spending so much time together soon.
We both went back into the living room and watched some
cartoons together; Stephanie was sitting opposite us on the loveseat
reading the morning paper. By the time the clock struck noon it was time
for me to depart and I bid my adieus to the pair, receiving hugs and kisses
from both. I placed my guitar in the back of the Pacifica along with my
over night bag and turned in time to see Colby waving to me on the porch.
"Drive carefully! See you Monday!"
I smiled and waved in return "You know it!" I got into the
drivers seat and backed into the road, watching Colby excitedly wave as I
drove off into the distance. My stomach had finally settled for the first
time since yesterday afternoon but leaving Colby behind left me empty as it
usually did. I heard my cell phone ringing for the first time in days and
looked down in time to see that it was work. I rolled my eyes and opened
it. "Hello?"
"Hey dude its Marcus."
"What's up?"
"I was wondering if you could cover my shift from three
till five since you're working tonight anyway."
I blinked a little; Marcus wasn't usually one to ask for
time off. "Yeah, what's going on?" Marcus hesitated a little.
"I really can't explain it now but I really need to be off,
please?"
I sighed a little to aggravate him "I guess since you're so
cute and all."
Marcus laughed, "Thanks dude I really appreciate it, gotta
go!"
As I closed my cell I began wondering exactly what Marcus
was up to, he seemed fairly normal yesterday when I picked up the iced
coffee. Maybe he had some huge date or another job opportunity had come
available? I couldn't conceive of why anyone would actually trade doing
nothing for twenty an hour for doing something for much less, or more
even. As I drove into my driveway and got out, I quickly walked inside and
jumped into the shower. I was going to go to work early and corner Marcus;
I just had to know what was going on.
After sliding my uniform on and driving the usual five
minutes, I parked outside to see that not only was Marcus nowhere to be
seen, but Rob's car wasn't there either. "Geez..." I murmured to myself and
stepped out, opening the door as Marcus popped up from behind the counter.
"Hey! It's only one why are you here so early?"
I smirked a little and rounded the counter, standing above
him and staring him directly in the eyes, "Now you know I'm the gossip
queen of this little outfit, spill."
Marcus sighed and averted his gaze for a moment, finally
succumbing to my intimidation tactics (if you could call them that), "Well
I've been thinking you know with Susan leaving and all, we can't stay in
community college forever man. I have an interview with a guy from Brown at
3:30 and my Dad knows a guy, so I think I really have a shot."
I stood there quietly for a moment, thinking to myself. Why
the hell was everyone leaving me? It wasn't that I had any particularly
close relationship with Marcus it just seemed unfair that a co-worker would
try to abandon me as well. "I see... umm... good luck?"
He shook his head and looked at me with a slightly nervous
expression on his face, "Don't be mad?" He added inflexion on the end so it
was definitely a question, whether that was intentional or not who knows?
"Why would I be mad? I'm happy for you. Go chase the dream
dude."
Marcus bit his lower lip "Susan said you weren't very
supportive... I mean maybe you should think about college?"
I felt my face begin to flush with anger as I turned
quickly and walked to the other side of the kiosk. "I'm NOT a fucking
failure and I know why she went! I'll go to college when I'm damn well
ready!" I couldn't believe what had just escaped my lips, showing anger was
very unlike me.
"Dude seriously just chill, I didn't mean anything by it."
Marcus said in a distressed tone. I turned around slowly and looked at him
with a look of apology on my face.
"I'm sorry..."
He just shook his head, "Don't mention it."
I headed out of the kiosk and towards the front door.
"Where are you going?" Marcus asked.
"Just out, I'll be back soon I promise."
I got into my car and drove down the road to think.
Chapter Seven
It's Monday morning and there are very few things in the
world that can describe my headache. I think that it's probably easier to
explain why I have the headache to begin with. I think the best way to
present the facts would be via a timeline, so here goes.
Saturday:
2:55 pm – Arrive at work.
4:00 pm – Sell a cup of coffee.
7:00 pm – Sell a latte.
9:00 pm – Drive with haste to the closest bar.
9:15 pm – Drank a beer.
9:30 pm – Drank another beer.
9:45 pm – Drank a beer and took a shot.
10:00 pm – Drank another beer.
10:15 pm – Drank a Tequila Sunrise
10:30 pm – Hit on impossibly cute guy and was turned down, decided to
drink another beer.
10:45 pm – Decided had drank enough, managed to drive home without
killing anyone.
11:15 pm – Passed out on bathroom floor
Sunday:
2:00 pm – Woke up
2:15 pm – Was on my way to grocery store to purchase ice cream and beer.
3:00 pm – Was eating Ben and Jerry's along with drinking a beer
3:15 pm – Drank another beer.
3:30 pm – Drank yet another beer.
3:45 pm – Oh fuck it, you catch the drift.
Basically I spent the entire weekend wasted. There wasn't a
single redeeming moment to be mentioned, and my head felt every moment of
it this morning. Two days worth of hangovers are rarely a good thing. I was
obviously angry, but why was I so angry? Exactly what about my life needed
fixing? Okay I'm obviously a slacker, I'm perfectly content with my
meaningless job and I only go to community college to extend my student
loans for as long as possible. I came to Portland because I was tired of
facing my past and I sure as hell didn't want to have to face my future.
I think that somewhere deep inside of me I wanted to
improve; I wanted to pick a major and move on with my life, I just wasn't
ready yet. I relished in the fact that I could spend every day playing
games and call into work whenever I wanted, I loved the fact that no one
had an expectations of me other than failure and that was perfectly fine, I
was more than excited about being able to spend so much time with Colby.
"Colby..." I murmured into the air, being as quiet as
possible so that my head didn't explode. Colby was sort of the embodiment
of what I was except he had every reason to be. Colby didn't have a job,
Colby didn't have a major, Colby played video games whenever he wanted and
no one expected him to grow up anytime soon. Of course that was the major
dilemma, Colby was nine and that was fine, I'm twenty two and I'm supposed
to be a little more mature than that. Why was that a requirement though?
Why wasn't it okay to enjoy the short life that I had while I still could?
I leaned forward and stared down at the empty cartons of
ice cream on the floor, the stubble on my face itching intensely. I looked
over at my laptop in the corner and frowned a little, "Wonder if Susan has
written..."
I managed to move enough to apprehend it and logged into my
email, sure enough a message was waiting for me and I quickly opened it to
read the contents.
--
Hey Jake,
Sorry I haven't written lately but things have been kind
of hectic transitioning into college life. Thanks for thinking about me and
writing; I really appreciate it. I hope that in time you can forgive me for
leaving and I hope that you join me on the road to higher education some
day.
Love your fag hag,
Susan--
Rather than sit and contemplate the meaning of life more, I
decided that the concept of a couple Tylenol and a shower seemed a better
idea. I closed the laptop and returned it to its place atop my side table
and scooped up as many empty ice cream containers as I possibly could. Upon
depositing them in the trashcan and swallowing those much loved pills, I
climbed my way to the bathroom and turned on the faucet.
As I stepped into the shower and the warm water covered
every inch of me I finally felt some relief, along with some much needed
clarity. I felt that it was high time for me to remove the thoughts of the
previous day from my mind and look forward to an afternoon with Colby. He
would be arriving via his bus and I knew that he would want to play games
and talk about any number of things. One of the things I appreciated about
Colby was that he was my only focus when he was around; I truly needed a
distraction at this point.
I cut off the water and toweled off, making my way to my
room to put on a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt. By the time I had
combed my hair and regained the ability to see, I finally took a look at
myself in the mirror. "I'm never going to drink again..." I muttered to my
reflection.
I went downstairs and managed to clean up the rest of the
living room. I felt no need to vacuum, the floor was fine apart from a few
specks of paper and the idea of a loud vacuum being greeted by my headache
didn't sound enjoyable. I went over to the television and apprehended the
remote, turning it to input so that Colby could play video games as soon as
he arrived. He sat down on the sofa and rested my head in my hands for a
moment, finally feeling the throbbing in my head beginning to decrease a
little.
I smiled; I actually smiled for the first time in a day and
a half. This relief was the most wonderful present that I could ask for.
Just as I slid my hands down from my face the doorbell rang, Colby was
here.