Date: Fri, 13 Feb 2004 22:45:04 -0500
From: Krys T <liljademoon@msn.com>
Subject: Dealing With It 9

Well, here's chapter 9, finally finished.  I'm sorry it took
so long, but it's not my fault.  Shoot my editor.  Yes Mike,
I'm blaming this all on you!

You know the rules, don't read if you're not suppose too.


9

Caelum

Why is it that when you need it, courage is always out of
your reach? I had spent the past week trying to work up the
nerve to approach Zane about the night of the party. Ci said
that he wasn't angry, but that didn't mean he was okay with
it. I needed to know how he felt about all of this. Once I
had that knowledge, I could decide whether to tell him how I
felt or not. But I was having trouble just being able to
talk to him at all. Anthony and Ci constantly berated me,
pushing me to talk to him, but the more they pushed, the
farther I seemed to run in the opposite direction. I started
feeling bad about avoiding him, but I couldn't seem to deal
with how I felt, I couldn't deal with it at all. The New
Year came and went with the normal fanfare, but I felt no
joy or excitement at the passing of another year. I spent
the night with Ci and Anthony, watching the new couple
welcome 2004 with smiles and laughter. I welcomed the year
with loneliness and an ache deep within me.

School started back up with the usual lack of enthusiasm
from both the staff and students. Assignments given before
the break were handed in, new assignments were given out,
and the monotony that is high school began again for another
semester. Last semester, I had managed to escape the
pleasurable torment of having Zane in any of my classes;
this semester I wasn't so lucky. As I walked into the
classroom, a glint of red on brown caught my attention, and
I turned to see that liquid fall of mahogany hair spill over
the paleness of his face, obscuring it for a moment until
Zane pushed it back. I had the distinct impression that this
semester was going to suck. I moved past him to sit on the
far side of the room, as far as I could get from him. As I
sat down, I saw the chase of emotions across his face as he
looked at me: sadness, confusion, hurt, and another emotion
that I couldn't name. I forced myself to look away from him
and concentrate on the board and the teacher who was now
standing in front of it.



Zane

Caelum was avoiding me. There was no doubt about that. Every
time I entered a room, he seemed to find a reason to exit
it. Though we had never been close, the new distance between
us was tearing me apart, and I didn't know what I could do
about it. It didn't even stop when school started. That
first morning after the holiday, Cae walked into the same
homeroom as me, but he sat on the other side of the room and
barely acknowledged my presence. When he looked away, it cut
deeper than glass and hurt more than I could imagine
possible. Confused, I did the one thing every smart person
should do; I went to Ciana.

"Have you tried to talk to him?" she asked after I told her
about Cae's recent behaviour.

"I can't. He won't even look at me when we're in class
together. It's like I don't exist to him," I grated. "I
wanted to talk to him about the morning after the party.
Anthony said that he seemed upset. I wanted to make sure
he's okay but every time I approach him he makes some vague
excuse and walks away!"

She stared at me for a second, or to be more precise, she
stared through me, a thoughtful look on her face. "I'll talk
to him; find out what's going on, okay?" she assured me. I
left her feeling slightly better, though Cae's actions still
hurt deep inside.



Caelum

I had begun to live my life in seclusion. School in the day,
homework when I got home, Lucas' if I was scheduled, and
then back home to bed. It wasn't the first time I had done
this, but the last time had not been to this extent. I
didn't talk with the guys, and I avoid Ci almost as much as
I avoided Zane. I spent so much of my time alone that I was
surprised when Ci sat herself down on my bed after school
one day.

"You know, when you started this bullshit, I was fine with
letting you drive yourself insane," she began
conversationally, "but it has come to my attention that you
have been driving someone else nuts. You've also been
hurting him. Normally I'd let you work through this, you
always have, but this time I can't. So quit being an asshole
and talk to him!"

I didn't have to be a mind reader to know whom she was
talking about. I hadn't really thought about how this was
affecting Zane; I'd been too caught up in my own personal
struggle. I looked up at Ci from where I lay and saw the
concern mixed with anger on her face. This was worse than I
thought. Just her expression told me how much I had fucked
up this time.

"I don't--" I started.

"You can. You will. You have no choice in this." Ci stopped
and looked at me thoughtfully. "Actually, you do have a
choice. You could not talk to him, continue to live locked
away like a hermit and lose touch with the world. Or, you
could grow a set, be a man, and talk with Zane. It's your
choice."

As always, she was right. It was my choice. I could continue
being an asshole and a coward, or I could move forward and
at least talk to Zane about what happened. I won't say the
prospect didn't frighten me, because I was scared witless,
but I was also tired of hiding in my room.

"Saturday," I said shortly and turned my attention to the
book sitting in front of me. I felt Ci's hand brush across
my hair and down my back before she leaned down and kissed
my cheek.

"Proud of you."

The weekend rolled around much too quickly for my taste.
Saturday found me sitting on my bed, staring at the door,
wondering what would happen when Zane walked through it. Ci
promised to give us some privacy; she and Anthony would be
upstairs watching TV with Mom. The sound of feet on the
stairs made my heart beat faster, and I thought for a moment
that I would pass out.

Anthony stuck his head in through the door. "You ready?" he
asked. I nodded, not trusting myself to speak just yet. The
door opened a little wider, and the two ushered Zane into
the room before shutting the door behind him. The latch
clicked with a sound of finality, and I tried not to take it
as a bad omen.

"Ci said you wanted to talk to me," Zane stated, sitting
down on the other bed.

"Yeah," I started, "but you'll have to bear with me, this
isn't as easy as it seems." He smiled a little, but it did
not reach his eyes. I had noticed how dim they seemed, how
dull and almost dead. It bothered me to realize I had hurt
him that much, but what I could not understand was exactly
how I had managed to hurt him that much. "I guess I kinda
freaked the morning after the party. I think that it was
mostly because everyone was privy to it, and I couldn't face
you knowing that. What makes it worse is that it wasn't the
first time-"

"I know," Zane broke in, and I felt my face flush with
embarrassment. .

"I'm sorry about that. I was kinda hoping you didn't know.
I'll admit that I was surprised you were willing to share a
bed with a gay guy, but knowing that, I'm even more
surprised that you were willing to do it again."

I had been staring at my hands the whole time I was talking,
and when I looked up, I noticed that Zane's face had gone
very pale. "What?" I asked.

"You're gay?" he whispered. I nodded and he looked away, a
strange expression on his face.

"You didn't know?" I asked.

He shook his head and looked at me, "I gotta go." He left
the room quickly, almost running, and I heard his feet pound
up the stairs.

I had just outted myself to the one person who probably
didn't know I was gay. Just my luck, he was the one person I
wanted to be comfortable with that fact. The pain I had been
feeling since I met him welled up in that one instant, and I
did the only thing that seemed logical. I put my head in my
hands and cried.



Zane

I ran up the stairs, confusion and a sense of betrayal
battling for dominance in me. Betrayal won out, and I shot
into the living room where Ci and Anthony were curled
together, oblivious to the world.

"Zane? What's wrong? Where's Cae?" Ci queried as I stood in
front of her.
"
We need to talk. Alone. Now."

"Where's Cae?" Anthony asked this time.

"Downstairs," I replied.

"I'll go check on him," Anthony told Ci. He leaned over and
gave her a brief kiss.

"Was it all some sort of a joke?" I turned on Ci as soon as
Anthony was out of the room.
"Was it a game?"

What are you talking about?" she exclaimed.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Zane, I need to know what you're talking about. Why didn't
I tell you what?" I could tell she was getting exasperated.
That didn't really bother me. I was still pissed.

"That Caelum was gay!" I almost shouted the last word.

"Shit," she whispered. "I didn't think about it. I kinda
took it for granted that everyone around here knows, I
didn't considered that you wouldn't. I'm sorry Zane, I'm so
sorry."

"Yeah, right."

"No, I'm serious. Cae came out when he was ten. He let
everyone in town know that he was gay by the time he was
fourteen. It's gotten to the point over the last three years
that no one really comments on the fact anymore. He just
is."

I could hear the remorse in her voice. She hadn't meant to
hurt me. That made me feel a little better, but it didn't
make it easier. All this time, and I didn't know. This gave
me not a few things to think about, and I needed the time
and space to think about them.

"I'll talk to you later," I told her as I headed out of the
house. I needed to be alone.
I started toward my own house, but my feet carried me right
past. My thoughts were a jumble as I continued on, and I
paid no attention to where I was going. My feet took me to
the park that was around the corner. Being January and very
cold, it was deserted, and I had the place to myself. I sat
on one of the swings and thought about the events of the
past couple months and more importantly, the last hour or
so. My mind kept going back to the shock on Cae's face as he
realized that I really hadn't known. I was so engrossed in
my own thoughts that I didn't notice that someone had joined
me on the swings until I felt a hand push me slightly to
start me rocking. I turned to see Jeff staring at me out of
solemn blue eyes.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey yourself," I answered.

"Ci thought you might need some company," he told me,
answering my unvoiced question.

"Did she tell you what happened?" I asked.

"Nope, and I didn't ask. All she said was that you got some
unsettling news and took off," he replied, still staring at
me.

"Ever feel like your life has been turned upside down?" I
asked him, pushing myself a little to set the swing in
motion.

"Oh yeah. Shaken, turned upside down and then shoved back
together all wrong," Jeff said with a little laugh.

"How did you deal with it?" That wasn't what I wanted to
ask, but I wasn't going to pry into Jeff's personal life
without permission.

"I had a friend who stuck by me and kept me from doing
stupid things," he told me softly, his gaze now on the
horizon. "I didn't come out by choice. I made the mistake of
telling the wrong person and found myself facing many angry
people. The worst happened to be my parents. They didn't
think having a gay son was acceptable. They sent me to a
shrink who was supposed to "cure" me of the disease. When
that failed, they started to consider sending me to military
school to teach me to be a man. I was only fourteen, but I
refused, and my father disowned me. A friend of mine gave me
a place to stay while I got my life in order. He also helped
me contact an uncle who gave me a permanent place to live.
This friend also taught me about love and loving. Not just
physical and emotional, but that spiritual bond that friends
can have."

Jeff stopped and looked at me again. I wasn't sure what to
say to all that. I didn't know that any of this had happened
to him. It bothered me that I hadn't bothered to learn more
about the people I called my friends. I knew plenty about Ci
and Anthony because I spent most of my time with them, but I
realized that I needed to know more about Jeff and Rick and
Rich.

When I finally spoke, it was to voice the question that was
running through my brain, "Who was the friend?"

"Caelum," was the answer. I wasn't surprised; he struck me
as the sort to go out on a limb for a friend. I didn't say
anything for a while; instead, I digested everything that he
had said.

"I think I fucked up, Jeff," I finally said. He didn't
reply, only looked at me with those sky blue eyes. "I found
out Cae was gay today. I didn't know, and no one clued me in
on the fact."

"Are you okay with it?" he asked.

"Yeah, but that's how I fucked up. Instead of saying
anything to him, I just bolted. I can just imagine what he's
thinking now," I groaned.

"Why did you leave? I mean, if it didn't bother you. Is it
about sleeping in the same bed as him?" I didn't know if
Jeff was actually confused over the fact, or if he was
trying to help me work through this.

"I ran cuz I was afraid," I stopped and took a deep breath.
"While I thought Cae was straight he was off limits; look
but don't touch. I could sleep in the same bed with him and
not worry cuz to me, I wasn't allowed to do anything."

"Are you gay, Zane?" Jeff asked, turning to look at me. I
nodded, and he began to laugh.

"What?" I shouted, not seeing the humour in the situation.

"He doesn't know," he told me, still laughing. "Sorry, but
it's funny. So what are you going to do about all this?"

I was wondering the same thing. "I don't know, what do you
suggest?"


Caelum

I cried until I felt a pair of arms encircle me and a
familiar voice whisper words of comfort. I turned my face
into Anthony's shoulder and let my emotions go. I don't know
how long we sat there in silence, but I was grateful for the
company.

"I think I fucked up, A," I whispered, my voice hoarse from
the tears. He didn't reply, just wrapped his arms tighter
around me. "He didn't know I was gay. All this time, and he
didn't know, and I just blurt it out. That's why he ran.
He's probably disgusted with me."

"I think he's just confused and shocked. None of us said
anything to him; it's our fault, not yours. Give him time to
adjust, okay?" he murmured. I nodded, and he relaxed his
hold on me. "Why don't you take a nap? I need to talk to Ci
for a while. We'll be down later, and we can watch a movie."

I nodded again, too tired to argue. Anthony waited until I
was almost asleep before turning off the light and heading
upstairs. As sleep overcame me, I prayed that he was right,
and everything would work out.