Date: Fri, 25 May 2007 15:15:33 -0700 (PDT)
From: Dan R <danrl1099@yahoo.com>
Subject: Me & Justin 19

I felt a slap on the back of my head and turned around and Jeff was
standing there.

"What's your problem man.  I've been watching you while I was in line and
you have been staring at your lunch for 10 minutes and not eating."  He
asked.

"I dunno.  I'm just thinking about stuff I guess."  I replied, looking down
at the cheese burger that wasn't even burger, they had this soy burger
thing.  I tried to hide the bad taste by putting on 4 pieces of cheese, but
the cheese wasn't even real cheese.  I pushed it away and shrugged.

"I'm not hungry man."  I said.  Austin who was at the table quickly scooped
up the basket and ate it for me.  Man, he could eat anything.

I felt conflicted, and maybe a little guilty about what I did on the Fargo
trip.  I didn't have any real feelings for Chris and I doubted that I had
any real feelings for Rusty, except wanting to have sex with him.  I did
really like him.  I think I went too fast with him and now I was regretting
it.

I was thinking about all of this watching everybody in idol chit chat at
the table about this and that.  I got out of my chair and said my good byes
and went to Rusty's locker and slipped a note through the vent hole thing.
`Rus, see me after school.  I need to talk to you.'  The note read.  I had
decided to break up with him.  I don't really know why, but I felt like I
needed to not have a boyfriend for a while.  I decided that I was cheating
on Sean by doing this stuff so soon after he had died and I didn't want to
do that anymore.


Rusty met me by my car in the lot after school and we talked.

"Rusty, can we drive down to the lake and talk?"  I asked.

"Sure, what about?"  He replied.

"Let's just drive down there and we can talk, ok?"  I said.

He shrugged and got in the car and we drove off.  When we got to the lake,
we parked in the beach parking lot.  It was fairly warm outside, so we got
out of the car and walked towards the lake, which was iced over.

"Umm, Rusty, I don't know how to say this, and I know however I say it, it
is going to be really bad.  But I need to stop seeing you."  I said very
seriously.

He looked up to me, I think hoping what I was saying was a joke.  But when
he saw my expression, he knew I was serious.

"Why?  What did I do wrong to you?  I mean, everything has been so^Å" Then
he lost it and started crying.  I wanted to hug him, but I didn't know if
that was the right thing to do or not.  He sat down on the ground and was
just sobbing.

I felt like shit.  "Rusty, listen man.  I rushed into this too fast.  I'm
sorry, I just need to time and some space.  I really do like you.  You
didn't do anything wrong.  Please.  LOOK AT ME!"  I yelled.  But he
wouldn't.

I tried to grab his arm to get him to stand up, but he wouldn't let me.  I
asked him to go with me to the car so I could drive him home and he told me
to fuck off.  I went back to my car and sat there for at least 5 minutes
hoping he would change his mind, but he wouldn't even look over at me.  So
I drove to a gas station a few blocks away and called up Ryan and told him
what I did and asked him to do me a favor and drive down to the beach and
pick him up and drive him home so he didn't freeze to death.  Ryan said ok
and did that for me.  Luckily Ryan didn't have any trouble convincing him
to get into his car and let him drive him home.

Ryan drove over to my house after that and went down to my room where I was
laying on my bed staring at the ceiling.

"What did you do that for?"  He asked, little anger in his words too.  "I
thought you really liked him."

"I Do.  I just don't want the type of relationship he wants.  He wants to
be my lover and I don't know what I want anymore.  I just don't want a
boyfriend."  I replied.

"Well, I dunno man.  He was bawling the whole way home.  Couldn't you have
done it a better way or something?  He yapped at me.

"Ryan, thanks for driving him home, but you are really fucking bugging me.
I never broke up with anybody before.  I didn't know how to do it.  If you
remember, my last boyfriend died on me, so go fuck yourself."  I yapped
back.

"Ohhhhh, Pooorrr Brian.  You're the only one in the world with problems.
Ya know, we all thought that you had moved on.  But you are still crying
for yourself inside.  Why don't you grow a set and move on."  He yelled at
me.

Fuck That, I thought.  I got off my bed and lunged at him and we wrestled
on the ground and he got in a couple of punches to my face, which dizzied
me.  He probably could have finished the job if he wanted to, but he saw
the tears running down my face and he stopped.

He got off of me and I sat up.  "Brian, I love you man, but you gotta get
over your shit, and your self.  Give me a call when you are Brian again."
He said, and then left the room.

I sat on the floor and cried.  I wasn't too sure at the moment why I was
crying, but I knew I felt like shit about everything.  I eventually crawled
into bed and I heard my mom calling me for dinner, but I told her I wasn't
hungry and just wanted to sleep.

When I got up the next morning, I had no interest in school.  I didn't want
to have to face Rusty in Law class, not to mention Ryan.  I stayed in bed
and my mom came down and I told her I was sick.  She felt my forehead and
saw my split lip from Ryan and asked me how I got that.  I told her a lie
that seemed to work and she said that she had to work today and dad was
left for out of town work earlier, so I was on my own until 4.

After mom had left the house, I fell back asleep until about 11 in the
morning.  I got up and took a shower and went upstairs to find some cans of
various soups on the counter with a note from Mom telling me to eat one of
them for lunch.  I picked the ham and bean and cooked it up and ate it.
The house was really quiet.  I felt weird, like somebody was watching me
seeing that I was skipping school.  I seemed to do everything very
carefully, which was silly.

I decided to get dressed and go for a drive.  It was unseasonably warm for
that time of year, plus there wasn't even any snow on the ground.  I drove
around the lake and my car pretty much steered itself to the cemetery where
Sean and his dad were buried.

I got out of the car on the dirt road closest to their graves.  I looked
around the cemetery and didn't see anybody.  It was really quiet here, just
like the house.

I walked up to Sean's grave and sat down next to it.  I talked to the
headstone for at least 30 minutes.  Seems kindoff silly to do that, but I
felt like I was talking to him.  I went to my trunk and found a fifth of
vodka in my trunk and brought that back with me to his headstone.  I took a
big swig and looked at his name on the grave and felt his engraved name
with my hand and I just started bawling.  I must have cried for an hour,
finishing off the booze as I cried.  I laid down next to his headstone and
hugged it and fell asleep.

When I woke up, it was dark, I was getting poked with something by a cop.
I recognized him as Jeff's dad.  He was talking on his radio thing.  I
could hear my mom's concerned voice.  He helped me up and I sat in the back
of his car.  He got in the back and sat besides me.

"Brian, you could have died out here tonight.  It is supposed to get down
to 5 degrees for crying out loud.  You had your mom and your friends very
worried."  He said very stern.

"I know.  I just^Å I dunno."  and I started crying again.  He hugged me and
held me for a while.

"Cmon Brian.  Let's get you home.  I will drive you home and tell Jeff and
Ryan to drive out here and pick up your car."  I nodded and gave him my
keys.

----

"Mom, I don't want to talk about it.  I'm just sorting some things out
today.  I'm sorry I lied about being sick, I just needed the day not at
school.  I am really sorry."  I said.

She nodded, but I could tell she was angry and very concerned.  "You will
be going to school tomorrow Brian."  She said to me.

I knew.  I couldn't avoid my life forever.


When I got to school the next day, I wished I was invisible.  I was happy
that all of the people around my locker were still people that I didn't
know and they didn't know the drama in my life.  I was dreading sitting
next to Rusty in law.  When I arrived to Law class, I took my usual seat
and saw Rusty walk in the door.  Our eyes met, but he didn't come to sit
next to me.  He took a seat in the back of the class.  Some girl sat down
next to me and introduced herself to me as Melissa.  I asked her why she
was sitting here, and she told me that Rusty asked the teacher to move to a
different partner and she was looking to move too so that was the deal.
Then she proceeded to talk endlessly for five minutes until the teacher
came in.  She gave me a glare and started the class.  We watched a movie in
class, which I ignored and put my head down on the table and slept through.
After the movie was done, the teacher came over to our desk and slammed a
book down on it.  That sure woke me up.

"Mr. Urness!  We are hear to learn."  She said very sternly and walked back
up front.  The bell rang and I got out of there as soon as I could.

I got to lunch and grabbed my usual terrible soy burger and was doing my
usual pondering at it.  I looked over and everybody was sitting at a
different table.  I didn't care.  I liked being alone.  I didn't want
anybody to notice me or even talk to me.  I just wanted to hide.  But that
lasted for about 30 seconds and Melissa came and sat at my table.

"Brian, I am getting an A in law.  I agreed to switch law partners with
Rusty because you are really good with law, but after what I saw today, I
guess Rusty is doing all the work.  You better not fuck up my grades."
Then she left.  I wasn't even able to give a response.

I ate a couple bites of my crappy lunch and wandered through the rest of my
day until practice after school.

I sat in front of my locker, studying my skates like it was the first time
I ever saw them before.  Everybody was milling around and joking and stuff
and I was just getting pissed off at everything.  We were having a
scrimmage against JV today except the varsity goalie (Chris) was playing
for JV and the JV goalie was playing on varsity.


I was happy to get back on the ice.  I could be in my own world out there.
Even though it was just a scrimmage, I treated it like the Stanley Cup
Finals.  At one point in the third period, I was skating towards the goal
and I decided not to stop and I crashed into Chris giving him a nice elbow
in the process.

He got up and took off his mask and got in my face.  A bunch of the JV guys
were standing behind him pointing their sticks at me.  I looked behind me,
and my team was leaning against the bench.  These fuckers.  I am there
captain and they are making me go 1 on 6.  Nice.

I took off my helmet and dropped my gloves and yelled at Chris.  "Let's go
fucker."  He dropped his goalie waffle and glove and we went at it.  He was
a lot bigger than me, and before I knew it, I got a fist in the head and he
pulled my jersey over my head and was just pummeling me.

Finally the coaches came and pulled him off of me.  I laid on the ice a
bloody mess.  I thought about how less than a week before, me and him had
sex, now he was kicking my ass.  I laughed to myself and said to myself.
`I deserved that'.  I skated off the ice to the locker room with blood
dripping out of my nose, leaving a trail on the ice.

I took a quick shower and got myself cleaned up and sat on the bench near
my locker and just started laughing.  I just got beat up by a goalie.  Not
only a goalie, but a gay goalie.

I put my stuff in my bag and I walked out of the locker room and drove home
chuckling the whole way home.



To be continued.