Date: Tue, 12 Jun 2012 15:55:37 +0800
From: Ben Ng <ng.ben9@gmail.com>
Subject: Rick's Diary Part 33 - The Kill

The Kill

I briefly considered Mike's offer. I thought about the times
we were together. True, we were happy, but how long can it
last? Mike was too confused. I needed him to be sure. This
could mean my lifelong happiness. Besides, was I ready to let
go of Ben? He may not forgive me ever, but I still love him
deeply. Mike, on the other hand, was different. It was always
brotherly love, mixed with sympathy. I was undecided. If I had
a choice, I would be with Ben. But if Ben wanted nothing to do
with me, would I consider Mike? I thought about it and the
answer was "yes," but Mike had to find himself first. I was
torn.

I strode back to the empty building, my mind conflicted. I
wanted to tell Ben and Josh the coast was clear, that they
could leave now without being harassed. When I opened the door
to the empty room, I was momentarily stunned.

Ben was standing with his back to the windows. The setting sun
illuminated his body and cast a long shadow in the room. His
hair glistened, his body shimmered as droplets of water rolled
off his beautiful physique. His shirt clung to him like a
glove, revealing every contour of his muscles. As he turned,
his muscles rippled, and the ever changing light of dusk
painted his body with shades of red and orange like
watercolor. He stood there like a perfect painting out of
Michelangelo's sketchbook. Neither Josh nor I could take our
eyes off this magnificent sight. It was breathtaking.

"I'm all wet. I need to get out of these clothes." He mumbled
to himself. He slowly lifted his shirt and pulled it over his
head. That glorious figure, now on full display. He casually
flung his shirt to one side. That was when he noticed both of
us staring at him.

"What?" He asked innocently. I had to shake my head to get out
of the trance. It was a hypnotic moment, so surreal. Josh, as
if by instinct, crawled to Ben and lowered his pants. He
hungrily engulfed that thick shaft into his mouth, devouring
it. For a moment I wished I were him.

Ben sucked in air and threw his head back. His hands gripped
Josh's head on both sides, guiding him. He moaned, so sexy and
carnal. He started thrusting in and out of Josh's mouth, his
grunts so powerful and animalistic. His muscles tightened and
relaxed on each thrust, he started to stand on tiptoes when he
pushed forward. By now Josh has lowered Ben's pants
completely, stroking Ben's strong thighs as he sucked. Ben was
stark naked and unashamed. What a wonderful picture of giving
and receiving, of lust and desire, of pleasure and carnal joy;
only I wasn't in the picture.

I suddenly understood what Ben meant by using sex to cope. For
this instant, all was forgotten. All his pain was unimportant.
For this brief moment, he could be away from the world of hurt
waiting for him. He could forget about Jimmy. And my existence
only served to increase his burden and remind him of the very
pain that he tried to avoid so desperately. I have brought him
happiness, but also unspeakable misery. It was at that moment
that I decided to let go, that Ben was better off without me,
at least for now. I was never going to stop loving him, but he
should have the right to live without me constantly shoving
his deepest hurt in his face.

I looked at Josh. He seemed as obsessed with Ben as I was. He
was completely mesmerized by Ben, totally held captive. They
seemed perfect together. He would never refuse Ben's advances,
and there were no strings attached, just what Ben was looking
for.

"Stand up, I want to fuck you." Ben commanded. There was no
tenderness, no love, just a simple directive, yet Josh
complied. He stood, hands against the wall, legs apart, ready
to be fucked.

And there was no hesitation as Ben's cock thrust into Josh's
ass all at once. Just a grunt and a yelp of pain, or was it
pleasure? It was both, as I could see on Josh's face. He was
enjoying it tremendously, to be taken, to be used. As Ben
fucked Josh brutally right in front of me, I couldn't resist
thinking they were the perfect pair. Sure, Ben was definitely
taking out his anger and frustration on Josh, but Josh seemed
to like it, so what's the harm? May be this was therapeutic,
if only an escape.

It was funny how watching them fuck contributed to my
emotional process of letting Ben go. They were in their own
world and I wouldn't be missed. I quietly exited the room, and
as I left the building, the halls were filled with the sounds
of their copulation; raw, animal sounds. Just a couple of days
ago I would have been insanely jealous and angry; now I'm
actually happy for them. It didn't mean I loved Ben any less;
it just meant that I loved him enough to let him have what's
best for him, even if that's not me.

Perhaps one day he will turn around, I don't know. But for now
things were best left as they were. Ben was right; I was too
intense. I wanted too much, I expected too much. May be Ben
was a mustang, never meant to be tamed. May be this was his
true form.

I was surprisingly peaceful the next day. At least I knew Ben
was in good hands. It gave me the space to consider Mike's
offer. I went to his room to talk. I wanted to see if he has
figured things out.

"Rick! I was just about to look for you!" Mike greeted me
excitedly as he opened the door.

"What's up?"

"Look at these!" I was shocked to see photos of Ben and Josh
having sex in that empty building. Clearly someone took this
from outside of the windows the day it happened.

"Who took these?"

"A guy was walking by the building that day and saw movement.
He went closer and when he found that the two were having sex,
he started taking pictures with his phone. He even recorded a
part of it. Wanna see?"

I felt cold. "What are you going to do with these? Who else
got these?"

"Just me and him. I told him not to do anything yet. I can use
this."

"Use this? What the hell are you talking about?"

"It's my big break, Rick! No, it's ours! Don't you hate him?
He dumped you and hooked up with this guy from the Bruins!
This is like the biggest scandal ever! Having sex in public,
on campus! We could get him suspended, or kicked off the
team!"

"Why would you want that? Our championship is coming up!"

"Don't you see? It's my chance to shine! I'll replace him as
quarterback! I'll lead us to victory and be forever remembered
as the quarterback of the champion team!"

My eyes narrowed. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Ben
gave us that victory over the Bruins, you and I both know
that!"

"But no one will care after the scandal goes public! Think
about it! Trojan's quarterback having sex with Bruin's
receiver on campus! The media will suck this up!"

"Mike!" I was abhorred. "I won't condone such dirty tricks!"

"Rick, don't you hate him? He had you and turned around to
have sex with that Bruin! He betrayed you!"

"Mike, I was there."

He stood there stunned. "What?"

"I bet if you look at that video carefully you'd see me
standing next to the door."

"You let them? You watched them have sex?" His face was
twisted.

"I pretty much put them in that room. I led them there."

"But... why? Why?"

"They are happy together."

"What about you?"

I forced a smile. "I thought you wanted to start over with
me?"

He looked surprised. "You... you mean... you want to?"

"Well, if Ben doesn't want me, then I'm available again."

"Wow... that's... I never thought... I..." He was speechless.

"But... I don't want to be with someone who uses such dirty
tricks on his teammate."

"But... he... I..." I could tell he was conflicted.

"Mike, I came here to talk about us. Have you made up your
mind?"

"Well..." He looked at the photos, then me. It seemed that he
was choosing between his football career and me, again.

I sighed. "Make up your mind, Mike. Let me know when you do."

I slowly walked away. I was tired. I thought I could find
comfort, or at least some company with Mike, but he only
brought more trouble. Now I have one more thing to worry
about: pictures of Ben and Josh having sex. I felt partly
responsible; after all I brought them to that room. It would
really be a huge scandal if this went public, for the school,
for the team, for Ben. I couldn't let that happen. I had to
stop Mike. I was almost at my room and I quickly walked back,
but he was already gone. There was no answer on his door.

My fear was great. Did Mike already decide to go public with
the pictures? One thing for certain: if those pictures ever
see the light of day, Ben will certainly not hesitate to
commit suicide. It would be the last proof he needed that the
world was not hospitable, that it's not worth living. I
panicked. I started to run, but where to? I picked up my phone
and called Mike but there was no answer. Did he go to find
Ben? Our teammates? Coach? The college newspaper? TV station?
Where should I go?

It was lucky I didn't need to go far. Mike was downstairs in
the lobby, holding up those pictures for everyone to see. Ben
was at the front door, just coming back from outside. His face
was pale.

"There he is. He's gay! He's with that Bruin receiver! Here's
proof! He had sex on campus!"

"Mike, you sure you want to do this?"

"Ben, it's over! Your football career is over! Everyone will
know who you really are!"

Ben was seething with cold anger. "What about you? Do you know
who you really are?"

There was one moment of awkward silence as Ben stared into
Mike's eyes and saw through him. "Anyone else doing this, I
might be able to brush it aside, but YOU of all people,
accusing me as gay. Who was the one trying to rape Josh in the
rec room?"

Mike was silent. His face was so red. "I..." Mike was never
known for his great intellect, or language skills. He was
caught red-handed.

"I am sure a few of us witnessed that incident. That's even
better than pictures."

Mike started to lower his hand, the hand that only a moment
ago was waving those photos in the air excitedly.

"I'm not afraid to admit that I fucked him. I like to fuck. I
fuck guys and girls alike. Can you say the same for yourself,
Mike? Can you admit to everyone here who you really are?"

"Fuck you, Ben!" Mike was pissed. "You know what I can do with
these pics? I could have you kicked off the team, hell, kicked
out of school! You'd be an embarrassment! You will be shamed!"

"Let me ask you again. Are you really sure you want to do
this. Yes, or no?"

"What are you going to do, huh?"

"I will kill you right now. I will finish what I started in
the rec room." It was simply stated as a fact. He dropped his
bag and took off his shirt. He stood there cold and composed.
It was not a threat. He was going to do it; I had no doubt in
my mind.

He flexed his muscles and continued, "I'm not doing this to
protect myself. I don't care if I live or die. I'm protecting
Josh, and most of all..." he paused and cracked his knuckles, "I
can't stand fake people, people like you."

Mike obviously didn't expect this turn of events. He had
expected Ben to succumb. He backed away, unsure of what to do.
Anyone would; I have never seen Ben so menacing. Even the
other guys didn't want to get in the way. Who would want to
approach a prowling lion?

I had to get between them. I knew Ben couldn't care less about
his own life; he would have beaten the crap out of Mike. He
even did it before, but this time he was determined to finish
the job. I flew down the stairs and got between them.

"Ben, don't do this!"

"Rick, you are protecting him?"

"No, I'm protecting YOU! I don't want you to go to jail over
this!"

"Rick, you are the only person in this house... in this world
that I give a damn about. If you ask me to stop, I will."

"Yes, please stop!"

He let out a deep sigh and forced a smile. He actually looked
disappointed. "Fine." He turned to look at Mike. "Mike, you
are lucky. If you cross my path one more time, I swear I will
kill you." He picked up his shirt and bag and started walking
upstairs, but he paused on the way, suddenly remembering
something.

"You want my quarterback position, don't you? You have been
vying for it for three years." Ben looked right through Mike
again. Mike was silent.

"You can have it. I don't care." He quietly walked back to our
room. And that was it.